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The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated
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And so it begins....
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With offering Free Window Cleaning
To some it's quite clear
It's because you can peer
up the nethers of anyone leaning.
There once was an elderly goat
Who'd spawned several offspring of note
The Grand Druid of Wales
Often ran off the rails
Then got stoned and sowed out his wild oat...
There once were five spicy girls singing
But now they sound flat and look minging
If Take That re-formed
Then let us be warned
Alarm bells should be set ringing
There once was a Samurai hero
Whose score in swordfighting was zero
Though lacking in skill
He managed to kill
Both Lulu and Helen Shapiro. Bastard!
There once was a girl that could sing
(or so she once thought) anything
But once on the "X"
She lowered her kecks
And sang "Desert Song" a la Sting
The thing about artisan bread
Is its guaranteed freedom from lead
Instead you will find
That it makes you go blind
So I'll eat Hovis® instead
A vacation that is what we need
To drink beer, and cider, and mead
Relax by the pool
Eating gooseberry fool
Did anyone bring any weed?
I woke today with a sore throat
So I chewed on a piece of fried stoat
And to my surprise
I've a three octave rise
In a ditty I sing with my goat
This soup, with its noodles and chicken
Is good for the ill and flu-stricken
And even, some say
Keeps the lurgi at bay
In need though of Rum to un-thicken
When treating a bronchial infection
You'd better obey this direction
To draw out the phlegm
Just shout out "A-hem!"
And prepare for social rejection.
When drawing your last living breath
Here's what you can do to cheat death
Grab the Grim Reaper's scythe
With a gesture most blithe
Shouting, "Is this a knife?", like Macbeth
If you can't tell a knife from a spoon
You'll get classified as a loon
So just use a fork
When screwing a cork
And, yes, you are a buffoon
I uncorked a cru Beaujolais
With a vigneron from Régnié
But in getting my glass
I fell on my arse
Hidden text( M Logiciel) I am disappointed, as they say, that you have not pointed out that the first two lines don't rhyme.
So I guess I won't drink it today.
Down at the pub when I ordered my beer [M Rosé] c'est un petit point contesté, peut être.
[Software] By no stretch of poetic license does that scan into a limerick. I suggest:
Software - Down the pub when I ordered my beer
The barman said, "Be of good cheer!"
You're mighty good lookin'
Hidden text[Rosie] It's a subtlety that I think even French poets would get away with. Similar to 'glass' and 'arse', which don't rhyme terribly well for the majority of English speakers (even in England). It all worked out to be a good Limerick though, IMHO :-)
You do really good cookin'
So just maybe you should work here!
Who in their right mind would say
That duckin' an' divin' don't pay
For evading the law
(as a thug, thief or whore)
(not to mention the great CIA...)
I've invented a new kind of chair
It seats both you and your confrere
Your discreet tête-a-tête
Might make you be late
Hello, hello, hello. What's goin'on 'ere, then?
Because you can't go anywhere.
[Scansion Police] I read cfm's line as " it suits both you and your confrere." Sort of fits.
My village is threatened with Lidl
Let's hope the development bid'll
Fall foul of the planners
Or else protest banners
Will foil the town councillors' fiddle
Next week on the old village green
Is the festival of the obscene
We'll all go sheep-tupping
Unless we're one-upping
Then we'll shout: Hello Wean - you're so mean!"
Hello Wean, I have heard you've been here,"
Hidden textRosie, Software, Raak and Gil: I like the Lidl one :-)

Is the phrase that we don't want to hear
Because of the hype
And our pumpkins are ripe
Understood, then it's time to disappear.
We end up being eaten by worms
(It's in the conditions and terms)
If the deal's terminated
With the worms left unsated
We're reborn as a bunch of mean germs.
I can't help but think that that my wife
Is going to cause me more more strife :o)
Her insatiable needs
For thick Harris Tweeds
Have virtually killed our sex life
Tomorrow I vow that I will
Tell Starbucks their product is swill
And then let's all partay
With mugs of real lahtay
And stick Howard Schultz with the bill
For those really hard to reach places
And other quite difficult cases
Try this handy new cleaner
Her name is Georgina
Employed on a no clean, no shag basis.
If out to eliminate bacteria
You need to eschew all hysteria
Calmly use bleach
On every and each
And then your milieu will be clearier sorry sorry sorry
[pen] fair enough :-)
In London it's raining today
Elsewhere it's flooding they say
But I haven't seen yet
A great spouting jet Surprised the word "posterior" didn't come up in that last one ;-)
Like the one at Trafalgar Square Bay...
I eat a durian each day
And I get them for free, do not pay
And while they are stinky
Like my wee willie-winky
They increase your libido, so-say
Some lines are real close to perfection
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