mc5 - The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated

arrow_circle_left arrow_circle_up arrow_circle_right

The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated

help

And so it begins....

arrow_circle_up

If the Euro does go down the pan

If the Euro does go down the pan

Whoops - got the 2-for-1 offer by mistake

I shall unveil my dastardly plan

(bifurcation) I'll buy every cabbage I can

And restore threepenny bits Route 1

To resort to barter Route 2

Which clearly is smarter Route 2

Try stop staring at tits Route 1

Than selling French nukes to Iran Route 2

Marc (previous one)

And write better lines if I can... End of route 1

There once was an impatient killer

Who was known to resemble Camilla

Her frightful coiffure

Which was less than demure

Made her look like a bad Phyllis Diller

Let us all now praise the spider

And resist the strong urge to deride her

For her wondrous web

From April to Feb.

Accounts for the insects inside her

Now it's less than a week until Christmas

I'll retire to my own private isthmus

Feast on egg nog and manta

Festooned with diamante

[cfm] Come on, that doesn't rhyme and hardly scans - how about
And, as a present from Santa,

[INJ] A touch of the shoehorn there?

Some glasses to cure my strabismus. Following INJ.

When your scansion is called into question

Be open to any suggestion

Do not post crappy lines

Or you'll have to pay fines

For causing grammatic indigestion

Dear Santa I've been a good boy

So what if I'm Jewish, not goy

I've said my baruchs

And kept off all hooches

A day of good kosher joy

If you want we could meet at the pub

For a pint and a nice syllabub (Slight failure of rhymage in line 4 of previous. Mind you, what English word rhymes with 'baruchs'?

[Knobbly] "loud heuchs"?

Hopefully there's trivia (as for rhying with baruchs - Tuques, kooks, Luke's, nukes, souks . . .)

About Oman or Bolivia

And something resembling fair grub.

I put some crushed ice in my shaker

And added a loaf from the baker

Three jiggers of rye

Two ounces of lye

I'm preparing to now meet my Maker

"NOW THE ENDING IS NEAR - PLEASE BEWARE!"

Said the pilot, when flying RyanAir

Then turbulence hit

And the purser said "Shit!"

And the queue for the loo, c'est la guerre.

There once was a cute little maiden

Whose talent was lovely hair braidin'

Her fingers flew faster

Than light - then disasteru

She saw that the colour was fadin'

A fella with long flowing locks

, a beret and some blue argyle socks

Approached me and said

"I would not be seen dead!

In anything but fancy frocks"

My tailor and I are in tune/b>

Since we danced by the light of the moon

He has measured me up

For the Tailor Dance Cup

Which takes place promptly at noon!

She liked her hair long and skirts short

And to drink: a small lime and port

But question 'her' gender ... interesting that the last ten limericks bar one have been started by the same two contributors ...

Is "she" really a bender?

I'd check but I'd end up in court

As we journey through life, we should try Excellent finish Darren

To have ready a good alibi

And to question the fitness

Of each expert witness

Because folks, given chance, often lie.

The passage from thought into words

Proves tricky for most geeks and nerds ...[cfm,CdM,R,pen] classy teamwork :)

To help their expression

Or fervid confession

They should sing it with flat minor thirds. Bluesy . . . .

Using mice and a furlong of string

I fashioned some low-budget bling

That I'd tie to my cat

In the way of a hat

Which made it quite easy to fling

Spare a thought for the down-trodden vole

Who is often confused with the mole

But the piles that they leave

If you look, won't deceive

'Cos it all comes out of a hole.

Tonight I will go to the pub

For the craic, a pint, and some grub

Perhaps a quick song

Then, if nothing goes wrong

I'll be throwing some shapes at a club

And if I'm in luck, then I'll pull

A fancy trick on a bull

It won't buck me off

If I don't start to cough

And my evening would then count as full.

When I do take the bull by the horns

The damn thing stands on my corns

But after some bellows

My misery mellows

'til I take 'nother Gin spiked with thorns...

My carpenter hammered and screwed

He was quite the industrious dude

He made me a closet

In which I deposit

Young Marc when he tries to be lewd :)

My mother is ninety today

So I'll sing her a song, if I may

"Knees up Mother Brown"

And she'll then go to town

For her regular 'roll in the hay'...

On the telly I saw Doctor Phil

Who said I should take this blue pill

But I took the red

My love life is dead

And the willy now lacks all its will

The firm Williams, Johnson & Dick This crowd is a v bad influence

Has taken a great deal of stick

But these upstanding men

Will, no doubt, come again

And give all your egos a prick. MOVING ON

A day in the country is nice

A breath of fresh air for my lice

And my worms like the view

As I visit the loo

And dispose of my dodgy fried rice.

I'm learning to trust my optician

But I still have a nagging suspicion

He's paid just to flatter

Which shouldn't much matter

As I already have perfect vision

With one of my ears on the floor

And the other one nailed to the door

I'm over-extended

Much more than intended

But my ears do not ring anymore

I think that my tongue's swelling up!

I find my pint I cannot sup

But if I had a straw

Or two, three, or more

I'd sip from this large china cup

One day we will run out of air

You'll inhale--and it just won't be there

And no-one will hear

Your screaming with fear

And there will be noone to care

I hope when I breathe my last breath

Of the fumes from that sweet crystal meth

That I'll be in the arms

Of the great Chelsea Charms

And that she is not clearly brain death.

I hope when I drop from this coil This theme is a bit deadly, isn't it?

And I'm under six feet of soil

That someone will say

"He was great in his day"

"But now he is starting to spoil"

I'll be pushing up daisies one day

Until then I'll be happy and gay

I'll dance right through life

With one not my wife [irach] LOL--great line.

Never caring what others might say

I'm hoping when I kick the bucket

It will make the front page in Pawtucket

My corpse they'll cremate
In a neighbouring state
And scatter the ash in Nantucket
Apols for 3 lines - I've never done that before AFAIR, but I had an uncontrollable urge.

There once was a doddy old fool

Who fancied a swim in the pool

He made a high dive

Then - heavens alive -

Trunks slipped, revealed fam'ly jewel

I am stuck in this game what 'bout you?

They should lock all of us in a zoo

They could then charge admission

And give no remission

Till at least twenty minutes past two

I haven't a clue what to say

My mind's in complete disarray

I feel so confused

By words I have choosed

I think I'll just go away

Four minutes and thirty-three seconds

It took to peel 43 almonds (tricky rhyming there, good luck to line 5)

Lemonds?

Now her marzipan beckons

So her pastry chef reckons

Pate d'amande sera bien charmante
Desperate attempt to escape the cage with the unconventional ABA*A*B* limerick rhyming scheme.

I've broken my grandma's sledgehammer

While breaking up rocks in the slammer

She was here years ago

Her offense? I don't know

Except she was a wife of Osama

The thing about being best friends

Should be that the fun never ends

How much fun it would be

If we went out to sea

And you dove and came up with the bends

Come on, you've got nothing to lose

From walking in A. Nother's shoes

When you've walked for one mile

You can pause for a while

And sing a song -- A. Nother's Blues

There once was a song 'bout a girl

Who had a wild fling with an earl

Though not born to the manner or manor, if you prefer

She checked in her planner

To find he was down as a churl
Amazing how few rhymes there are for "girl", as I found when writing a song who's hook line ends with it. Pain in the arse for lyricists...

burl, curl, earl, hurl, kerl, merl, merle, nerl, pearl, searl, searle, shirl, sperl, sperle, swirl, twirl, whirl

and my favorite, unfurl

There once was a song 'bout a boy

Who played every day with his toy

He'd first make it stand

With a flick of his hand

In a way that would give him much joy

Then after, he'd fold it away
[Mom] Perhaps I should have said useful rhymes :-)

His mom would scold him, and say

"You're just so self-centered!"

"Come on, get re-entered!"

I do not care to know how this one ends, thanks.

"And finish our last Wordfeud play!" [cfm]Have you got a pervert mind?

The flowers that bloom in the spring, don't you see? Moving swiftly on - I agree with cfm, the last couple were satisfying only one or two *ahem* 'players'. And neither of them were me.

[pen] Agreed. But that line needs shortening. Hope you don't mind if I go:
The flowers that bloom in the spring
Are saluting the birds on the wing

While the bees and the bears

Are putting on airs

and dancing the mambo to swing.

When needing three hots and a cot

I recommend my favorite spot

On Dartmoor it's found

Right behind that black hound

and it's ten quid up front for the lot!

An inscrutable girl from Japan

Went the distance with old Jackie Chan

But the man from Hong Kong

(Still wearing his thong)

Took one look at her mother and ran

I fancy a third cup of tea

But the caffeine does not fancy me

It gives me the jitters

My heart patters and pitters

And worst of all, I'll have to pee

I've three hundred papers to mark

Before I go hunting the Snark

So I'll tick here and there

(Which is all I can bear)

And the rest's just a shot in the dark

On Friday, my mind starts to wander

To racing my gold-plated Honda

Or a ride on my Harley ?

Singin' "Work" by Bob Marley

And dressing a bit like Jane Fonda.

Cross-dressing at weekends for fun

Was a priest's habit, dressed as a nun

arrow_circle_down

Want to play? Online Crescenteering lives on at Discord