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Pea and Honey Recipes
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I Eat My Peas With Honey
And tales of derring-do.
Four lines, they can be rhyming
(That's Glow Worms to me and you).
Ending line is as usual.
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Sign on the dotted line
As I awoke this morning
My little dream was scotched
I knew I'd made a boo-boo
'Cause my tartan sheets were blotched - I'll get my jacket then ..
I wish I were a referee
'Cause I look good in black
And what's more I'm a bastard
And common sense I lack
[Rosie] I remember once seeing some "humorous" foreign language translations in preparation for a big football tournament - Italia 90 World Cup maybe. The one I always recall is "Bastardo" = Referee. Still makes me chuckle.
I wish i was caddis fly
Skimming o'er the water (Bigsmith) The thing is "Bastardo" is actually an Italian town and surname.
I'd keep and eye out for the trout
And the salmon's hungry daughter
I wish I were a paperclip
I'd straddle many pages
And though I am dispensable
I pay my maker's wages
I wish I was a stocking top I have a precise idea where this one might go, but I wonder if anyone else gets it?
Encircling a fine leg [pen] This may be off your female beam, given my gender
Mmm, cricketers in lingerie
In mid-slip, for which I beg
It really wasn't cricket
But more like table tennis
My stocking tops went off the boil
as Nancy said to Svennis It's the tatty denim jacket...
A Viking who ate much salt cod
[irach] is your mind really on this?
let's try a revamp:

I wish I'd been a Viking

Intent on rape and pliiage
Because I have a liking (Assuming it's 'pillage' not 'pliiage') please, go ahead...
To escape this tiny village.
I'd love to be a warrior
I'd warry and I'd warry
But dressed in all this armour
I'd not get quizzed by MORI. Non sequiturs - c'est moi.
"Morituri te salutant"
Was once to Caesar said
So then he went and conquered
Who said that Latin's dead?
Sorry if you all know this one, but, back in the mid-seventies two years' study of Latin was still compulsory at my school. Handwritten in the front of my (very old and much used) textbook was this wonderful little ditty: "Latin is a language, As dead as dead can be, First it killed the Romans, And now it's killing me...."
I wish I'd been a Roman Last one v good
And lived the Roman ways
I'd doff my toga in the baths
With all the other straight people moving right along...
Latin is a language
With endings and declensions
It's quite the grammar sandwich
With classical pretensions
How fond I am of Kipling
Of Kim and Gunga Din
Of verandah-settled tippling
Small tonic, lots of gin.
I wish I'd lived in days of Raj
With my hookah and my bhisti
A most impressive entourage
Quite unlike E L Wisty.
I want to turn the decades back
And have my time again
Well, maybe not the early days
'cause teething was a pain
I wish I could remember
Why I came upstairs
But I'm sure that it will come to me
Perhaps I'm hiding from the Blairs?
a merciful end...
I wish I was a dentist's drill
A-grinding at your teeth
I'd snigger as I hit a nerve
And the touchy stuff beneath. (Softers) You BASTARD :-)
I wish I was an albatross
A soaring o'er the briny
I'd check out female Albatrii I know...
E'en though my willy's tiny. (Botherer) That's all right then. :-)
I wish I were an eagle
Perched on my cliffside aerie
Bunny rabbits, watch your back
I feel a little queerie
I would I were a hummingbird
Sipping nectar dawn to dusk
I'd beat my wings so very fast
I'd not have time to busk There, that's that then
I wish I were Geordie (Softers) Well done. I found that one impossible.
I'd call everybody man
I'd preface statements with "Why aye"
And shirtless try to tan (Rosie) busk and musk were the only words I could think of so was hinting at working up a sweat...
I'd love to sip some Earl Grey tea
With rusk and homemAde scones
I'd feel so very dignified
Talking in snobbish tones that's how I pronounces it
I wish I were a white van man
Foot hard on the floor
I'd rob the middle classes blind
And undercharge the poor Poetic licence invoked
I wish I was the Moomintroll
But why I just don't know
Perhaps it is the Snork Maiden
Her norks are rather droll
I paint my feet with mayonnaise
And stand on Regent Street
But only on those sunny days
When rats deserve a treat
In Noorvik lives a noble moose
The monarch of the tundra
He grazes lichen all the day
And fresh leaves by the hundre(d)
That's a point on your poetic license, Mr Raak. We'll be watching you.
The oboe is a woodwind
And has a double reed
The clarinet has only one
Which quite fulfils it's need
Oh, please, lend 'us a tenner
I'm short of a few bob [Kim] scan a bit sus, there, mate :o)
A fiver simply will not do
'Cos I'm a boozy slob.
[Softers] Oh, please, lend 'us a tenner - 's wrong wi' that?
[Kim] Sounds a bit limerickish to me.

Anyway:
I wish I were a bookie

I'd make more dough than bakers
So get my share of nooky
With the movers and the shakers
I have a niece called Sunny
By name and nature too
She wants to join the Moonies now
The silly little moo
Curses! Simulposted and with a very similar line.
I like my Brie all runny
Disgusting though it looks
As long as it's not furry
Then I'd throw it at the rooks
I wish I was a Bo Peep sheep
All lost and undiscovered
But my mistress for me would go seek
She really would be bovvered
I wish I were a conker
And be the conkering hero
But 'gainst the oven-hardened champ
My chances approach zero
I wish I were a-sunbathing
A-naked on my porch
Scandalising passers-by
Who giggle while I scorch
I wish I were the gas-man
I'd cut off your supply
And that would be a gas, man
Because I'd make you cry.
Step on the gas man!
I'm flying down to Rio
Sugarloaf Mountain beckons
My jouney is con brio
Or so the Missus reckons...
I wish I were a real cool cat
And stunningly good-looking
Dick Whittington would disown his
And I would get his booking
I wish I were a High Court judge
Doling justice from the bench
I wish they'd bring back hanging
That'd make the buggers blench!
I wish that Keira Knightley's toes
Were hairy, just like mine
Instead they're varnished in bright hues
But I only counted nine
I wish I were an athlete
With awesome washboard abs
Enhanced by ev'ry drug there is
Including androgenic mAbs (monoclonal antibodies, that is...)
I wish I was in Heckmondwyke
I tire of Cleckheaton
My head is all messed up and like
A carpet, beaten. In another life I used to deal with a computer company based in Heckmondwyke
I wish my elephant would tread
A little more discretely
But when I tell him, "Whoa, Fred!"
He loses it completely.
My love is like a red, red rose
That's been decapitated
By someone who sadly knows
Bugger, something fouled up - it should read:

How much its overrated

What the f...

I wish that I could turn back

And not screw up this time
Were there but a BUTTON I could press
I could go back and have a second attempt at making this line scan as well as rhyme
I wish I were a satnav
That told you where to go
Then I would tell you to sod off
Sounding like Seb Coe onwards...
I wish I was a dwarf star
In a fairground freaky show
I'd shave the bearded lady
Which part you'll never know.
I wish i was a Punk Rocker
With acne, grease and bile
My ears all full of safety pins,
My vocabulary vile
I wish I were an aerial
A Yagi not a dish
Grabbing waves ethereal Why has this sat here for a week? It's not difficult.
Is that too much to wish?
I'm glad I'm not a poofter
Or a drag queen with a pouf
And though I'm homophobic
I like a bit of rouf.
A ladder in my stockings
A stairway to your dreams?
Held up by suspenders
And other fiendish schemes.
I wish that colonoscopies
Were broadcast on the telly
Just the place for yet more crap
To turn our brains to jelly
[i,p,R,S] V. Good
I wish I'd done some thinking
Before I chose to speak
So now my foot is in my mouth
It's been there all the week.
I wish I was an alpaca
Instead of being a llama
But then again a camel
Is one to cause a drama
I wish I were a farmer
With fields all bare and ploughed
I'd grow my hops and barley
No trespassers allowed
Alas, the fields are flooded
So let us all grow rice
Now, now, please don't have a paddy
Paddy leeches aren't nice
I wish I were a boxer
Rather than a scotty
Or even a dalmatian in a desperate bid to get this moving again
Costing fifty zloty. Crap, but it'll do. (CdM) Well done. No-one's fault really.
[Rosie] I was expecting "dotty" :-)
I wish I had the foresight
To know what banks to short
Then I'd make a killing [Rosie] I thought that I'd primed it for the last line to be something like "Cos my nose is snotty" but there you go ...
If I'd sold what I bought sorry for the doublepost, but it just seemed right
I wish I was a chimpanzee
Tossing off with vigour
I'd stare at you from in my cage
(For chimps that's so de rigueur)
I do so wish I could speak French
The language of romance
Much better than the Double Dutch
"Take off der pants, der pants!"
O! Would I were a poet!
My verse, it would astound
And what it lacked in scan and rhyme
I'd make up with sheer sound.
I wish I were a sculptor
Wrestling with wet clay
Trying to create beauty
In a Venus de Milo way
I wish I was a frisbee
Spinning through the air
I'd land in someone's picnic
With buoyant savoir faire
I like my steak done meejum rare
Blood-stained, not dripping red
Served up with crispy onion rings
And crusty, warm French bread *rumbles*
I wish I were a salmon [Pen] Nicely topped and tailed
Swimming to my spawning ground
And though I'm going 'gainst the flow
My methodology is sound I wonder why some "stick"?
I wish I were a stick insect [Software] I think it has to do with the movement of the stick market
Just like Peter Crouch
I'd stick one in the Kazakh's goal
I really am no slouch
I wish I were a Two-toe'd Sloth
I just hate having five
I'd spend each day just hanging on
To prove that I'm alive.
When I switched on my telly
The news was far from good
I've lost a lot of money
So let's play Robin Hood.
When I switched on the wireless
To hear Evan Davis drawl
I sat and quietly panicked
It made my skin just crawl
I wish I were an ingot
Locked up in Fort Knox
Safely away from mayhem
In Uncle Sam's steel box
It's not the way I planned it
It's not like it should be
Alas, it's all gone pear-shaped
But it suits me to a tee
I wish I was a chimney sweep
Just like Dick Van Dyke
I'd stick my brush right up your flue
And shake it, if you like. My coat? How kind......
I wish I were Italian
Ruthlessness plus charm
I'd cruise Roma on Lambrettas
A compare on my arm Compare n. crony, close pal, buddy. Literally, "godfather" in Italian.
I wish I were a compère Compère n. master of ceremonies. From old French, meaning "godfather".
Oozing wit and charm
I'd denigrate the other acts
And call Queen Lizzie "Marm"
I wish I were a Comice Pear
A female shape for sure
Narrow here and wider there
Luscious, juicy, phwooar! Er, sorry. Saw a copy of The Sun in the Co-op.
I wish that baleen whales had teeth
(irach) Have you started a limerick?
(Rosie) No. It's exactly the same format as earlier one in syllables and scan...)
And roamed upon the land
But wouldn't want to stand beneath
As they walk down the Strand
[i,R,p,S] Lovely. Qualities of Lewis Carrol about it.
I wish I were a vendor
Of pies and potted meat
And with the cash you tender
My bookie I would meet
I wish I knew exactly
How I would react
But I am so uncertain
So that wish I'll retract
I wish I were a bishop
With mitre, cope, and crook
I'd stand out on a chessboard
From queen and knight and rook
I wish I were the President
I'd set the whole world right
From my perspective, obviously,
I'd be neck-deep in the shite
I wish I were a cheeseboard
That smelt like gorgonzola
An aroma sooo Italian
Like Monza and Imola Har har
I wish I was in Magny Cours
In a Citron set to go
My lemon-powered vehicle
More juiced than a Poiregeot
I drive a Massey Ferguson
A farmer's boy I am
It is a strange attractor
To every little lamb
I wish I were a tube of glue
I would be stuck on you
In fact I am quite super
and sticking's what I do
I wish I had a bus pass
Alas, I'm far too young Hur, hur, hur...
But never mind, I can wait
Until I am well-hung Yes, coat please....
These days there's no denying
That we eat far too much Still haven't finished me birfdy choccies.
So let's all check our diets
With low-fat meals and such
I wish I could be Santa
If only for a day
Let's say the 25th of June
Or else the 4th of May
Genius...
I wish I could write poems
Of elegance and style
That touched the reader's very soul
And left them with a smile.
I must not be unwary
Of opportunitee
So when the chance arises
I grab it all for MEE!
I wish I were a hosepipe
Connected to a tap
Instead I'm just a drainpipe
I'm really rather crap
I think my phone is dying
Its number has come up
I'm ringing for a doctor
But he can't think of a suitable rhyme for 'up'. Mercy killing
I really wish that Camembert
Did not smell quite so strong
I'd like to gobble down a pound
Despite the awful pong. oblig.
I wish that influenza ack ack
With whisky could be cured [Pen] Get well soon.
But this, I fear, is fanciful
But drink it if your bored. Get well soon, pen.
I wish that pen feels better
Than pencil in my hand What?!?
Abhor all things hexagonal
We live in circle land
I wish I were a hedgehog
Scuttling 'cross the road
I'd swerve between the traffic
Till permanently slowed
I wish I was a kerb stone
I just love to be stepped on
And scraped by fancy wheel-rims
And occasionally slept on
I wish I were a conductor (CdM) Nice one.
Feeding voltage to a train
Trundling up the District Line
My job's a shocking pain
I wish I were a Christmas card [pen] I was half expecting the rather more prosaic "and trundling down again."
Sold for charitee
For orphans or for UNICEF
With love for you from mee
I wish I was a Dundee cake
A-fill with fruitiness
Scoffed in no time - yum yum yum
Then thrown up - what a mess
Each day I feed my pussy cat
It grows a little fatter
And when I think it's grown enough
I'll fry it in some batter
I wish I were a lighthouse (Darren) You BASTARD!. Welcome back, BTW.
Standing firmly on a rock
So everyone who saw me [Rosie] Thanks!
Could sail in and safely dock
It seems the harbour's frozen up
And though it looks quite nice. easyfeeds r us
I think there'll be some fun and games
if someone has the dice
I wish I were a slithy tove
A-gimbling in the wabe
I'd stick one to a borogove
Then frabjously outgrabe
I wish I were on the Ning Nang Nong
Where the teapots jibber joo
My flannel's got a funny pong
Was that from washing you?
I wish I were a domino
Then all these spots I've got
Would mean more than just acne
They'd be right on the dot
My life is like a pack of cards
And fate is playing poker
I've only got a pair of eights
And Mr Soot the Stoker
I wish I were a roulette wheel
I'd take you for a spin
And if you said "Rien ne va plus!"
I'd still ask for your PIN.
And now alas, I'm stony broke
I've frittered all my cash
On booze and birds and lines of coke
Hidden textRude alternative:-On booze and birds I didn't poke.
You pay the bill - must dash!
I wish that Amy Winehouse would
Put on a paper bag
She really is an ugly, skinny,
Tone deaf, pissed up hag.
Findus fish fingers are no more Some spiffing ones in the last week, well done!
The Firm's be frozen out; iCPB - excellent
Captain Birds Eye rules the roost
Such gastronomic clout.
I wish my unicycle had
An extra wheel or two
For I'd prefer to bi- or tri-
-cycle along with you.
To drive an eighteen wheeler
Needs a beefy set of pecs
Unless there's power steering
Or warp drive (like Star Trek's)
I wish I were made of perspex
I just love acrylic glass
Every part of me'd be see-through
But not my clothes, alas.
I've just received a box of cheese
Tilsit and Bel Paese
My cheesy habit they will foster
Replacing Brie and Double Gloucester Don't get me started on cheese...
I wish the folks of Limpopo
Would choose a better name
And Peneloopij's scansion
Is OK. What a dame!
I wish I were a hedgehog
Curled up into a ball
A compact spiky little sphere
Impeneteraball. ....apologies....
I wish I were elastic
Your highly flexing friend
Our friendship is fantastic
But plastic in the end
[K, S, p (me), J] That one is exciting and sad at the same time.
I wish I were a Velcro strip
I'd stick where I'm not wanted
And when you ripped my sides apart
I'd be non-orthodonted. ....difficult....
I swim beside my manatee
She's such a gentle soul
Without a trace of vanity
We queue up for the dole
I wish I were a High Court Judge
I like to dress in wigs
With toupée tape they shouldn't budge
On my Old Bailey gigs
I wish I were a magistrate Continuing the legal theme
Sitting on the Bench
Dispensing justice all day long BTW; we had magistrate twice before
To every wanton wench
At last I've found my one true love
I found her in a cave
She dropped upon me from above
… It's been a splendid rave!
I wish I were a botanist
Researching Cannabis
I'd take samples home with me
And hallucinate in bliss
I wish I were the very last
On which my shoes were made
A boot I'd seek, a sole-searching soul
One that could be laid. coat!
I wish I wasn't left-hand-drive gah, I'm struggling with it - and often set off on the wrong side of the road, despite a new easy-to-drive car and a helpful sticker on the windscreen.
It's clearly just now right;
now = not :o(
I can't change gear with my right hand
Not since I had the fight moicy
For fifty miles I chased the Stig
In my Cooper S
But just as he was in my sights
I span off - what a mess.
They once put Clarkson in a tank
Of boiling caustic soda ...dream on...
But the b*stard's really so thick skinned
We wait to write his coda
I wish an anaconda could
Wear a feather boa
On the catwalk it would slither
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