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Pea and Honey Recipes
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I Eat My Peas With Honey
And tales of derring-do.
Four lines, they can be rhyming
(That's Glow Worms to me and you).
Ending line is as usual.
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Make an nuisance until May.
I wish I were a snowflake
Perfection in my shape
I'd have no twin in all the world
No sibling I could ape
I know a lad named Calculus
Who knows how to integrate
His twin does cube roots in his head
That's how they differ-en-tiate
I have a suit of armor
It clanks like Puffing Billy
Made of chain and plate and scraps,
Don't dare tell me it's silly!
I have a great big knobbly mace
That lives under my pillow
I have it near me just in case
Should my bedroom monster bellow
I wish I were invisible
- A power I'd use for good
But efforts have been risible
I just can't drain myself of blood.
I wish I were knurlèd knob (RW) You from t'north?
Knobkierie or Shillelagh
I like to crush [Rosie]: Nope, I'm an American with a sense of poetic license. Even Shakespeare didn't always "rhyme" in the normals way.
the heads should be added. I'm sorry, I was in limerick mode...
Of those who mess with B Disraeli
yeah ... right, a bit crap, but it seemed a reasonable RHYMING option.:-)
I wish I had a dozen eggs
To chuck at Griff Rhys-Jones (RW) I know you're American - I was being sarcastic, because I'm a nasty old bugger. ;-)
And I'll have to use a dozen eggs [RW]No worries, love. ;) (Just to add to the confusion...)
To throw at them wot moans
I've eaten forty-one mince pies
My tummy don't feel well Just had one myself ;o)
I'll only have a couple more
So then I'll feel like hell
I am the forty-fourth mince pie
Why have I been neglected?
Is it because old Sweeney Todd
And the filler he collected.
There is a place in Missouri Let's see if y'all can follow the mispronounciation on that... Not that it has to be rhymed.
That's famed in rhyme and song
So thanks be to W C Handy . . . the bog's just round the corner . . .
We're bound to get it wrong
Chalky - I wish I'd been to Cambridge
But I was just too thick
So I got stuck at Oxford
And have no sense of poetry now. Yes, for those of you who don't know, that was intentional.
I wish I were a tiddlywink (Red Wolf) You're forgiven - this time. (Chalky) WC Handy wrote St Louis Blues, one of my favourites, but his name still makes me giggle a bit.
All round and red and shiny
Instead I am a poker chip
And doomed to igno-miny
I wish I had an Oscar Mayer
And not this Nathan's wiener
Since I'm a grumpy old tax payer
And Nathan's just makes me meaner...
I wish I was a baker
I'd wear a baker's hat
And eat large sticks of butter
I love imbibing globs of fat
With crown and orb and sceptre
My aim is for to please
And few could be adepter that's a mains adepter, btw
At avoiding all the sleaze
I wish I was a radio
That was tuned in to you
You can twang my aerial
It sure beats Radio 2
If you get poor reception
Try stroking your aerial
It will certainly mess up the scan
And if combined with poor insulation could lead to your premature burial.
I wish I were a bar of soap
Almost a glowing clerihew, that last one. Or perhaps a cleriworm
Fragrant Camay, Pears, or Fairy
My bubbles would caress your skin
And scents send your head airy.
I'm in an awful lather here
I just can't choose between
The liquid or the solid soap
Which will best keep me clean?
I've heard the tales of cooking woes
I've empathised and wept
For oysters, like famed Carpenter
In month's not 'r' except
I'm going to the corner shop
I may be quite a while
The lady at the counter's cute
I'll try my rakish smile
I wish I were an oyster
An aphro-dis-i-ac
I'd make folks feel quite fruity
So they'd end up in the sack
My college class has started
And I am running late
I have no time to eat my lunch
And no time to masturbate coat!
I wish I were an actor (Softers) 15-yr-olds do it in class (so I'm told)
I'd strut upon the stage
There'd be no dry eye in the house
My "Macbeth" would be the rage
I wish I were a guru
My every word you'd heed
I'd tell you to strip naked
To do a Kama Sutra deed
To partake of my wisdom
You must wear this party hat
Your brain will function better
Although you'll look a prat oblig, probably
I am a perfect Bayesian
I am coordinated
And all those silly Frequentists
Can say what they like
When Ike and Tina Turner
River deep-ed and mountain high-ed
They left a good job in the city
But then ol' Ikey died
I'd climb the highest mountain
And forge the wettest stream
Just to get away from you (SM) Did you mean ford?
You're a nightmare not a dream
O poets red in tooth and claw [Rosie] Yes, I was thinking of 'Climb Every Rainbow'
Have no truck with sonnets (SM) Ah! The steep bit near the ground is the worst, always.
It's best to use a car instead
And etch your verse on bonnets [Software] "Can say what they like"? (three poems ago) Am I missing something subtle?
I wish I were a jam jar
Packed with jellied berry filling
Then I'd feel the rock star
Who liked young girls quite willing [Phil] yes
I wish that I were clever
And won a Nobel prize
I'd then become quite famous
And get away with lies. . . . cynical old bugger . . .
I wish I were a liar
Alas, though, I lack guile
But what I miss in cunning
I make up for with pure style
I've only ever once been caught
With my trousers down - J,R,E,C - nice :o)
The trial was held at County Court
With my boxer shorts stained brown
I wish I were a magistrate
A-sending folks to hang
I'd be acting ultra vires
But I just don't give a dang (y'all)
I wish I were immortal [Phil] I'm as confused as you are, btw.
And immoral would help too
I'd sin for all eternity [CdM] Thank god, it's not just me :-)
The bill would ne'er come due.
I wish I was a shuttlecock
Winging back and forth
My feathers start off perky
Then end up pointing north [CdM, Phil] It's me as well :-)
I wish such obfuscation - I've been waiting for ages to post that word
Would be more oft eschewed
For spurious complication
Is moral turpitude. We are the New Puritans. Aaaaaghh!
[C,R,p,R] Excellent. I've said more than once that to be a good citizen in the morniverse, particularly in poetry games, you need to know when not to post. This morning I wrote the line "Well -- I just think it's rude" to finish that last glowworm, but upon previewing I thought, 'well, that's ok, but I bet someone else can do better'. So I deleted my line, and -- sure enough -- Rosie came along with one that was ten times better. Oh, and while I am it, applause also to S,P,R for the immor(t)al one.
(CdM) Thanks for the compliment. Your point is very pertinent. If I can't think of a good one I try not to put anything up. Part of the reason, I have to admit, is that I don't want to put my name to some banality. People will think I'm going soft or have lost it. But really one has to ask oneself "Is this worthy of the Morniverse?" If not, say nowt. Your inspiration will return. This condition can be relaxed to end a poor one has been hanging about for a while.
I wish my knarfled sprugget-flink Yes, but you should have seen the lines I rejected.
Was cruft with sparkly prill
With splinky dik-daks all around
Upon my window sill.
I wish a were a geyser now, now . . .
And not a girly fountain
I'd live in lovely Yellowstone
And squirt at Saddle Mountain
When continents are drifting
Pangaea's split apart
Gondwanaland's a-forming
And India gets its start
I wish I knew the answer
I haven't got a clue
Don't understand the question
Besides, I'm pissed. What's new?
I've changed my online atavar
The new one's so much cuter [ITYM "avatar" ;-)]
I like to watch her in the nude
By hacking her computer
I wish I was a chocolate bar
Instead I'm just a flake
But just like British chocolate I have an ending in mind, I wonder if others do?
I leave Hershey's in my wake [Soft] was that it?
I wish I were an ombudsman
I would investigate
Nefariousness in all its forms
The piss I would not take [Phil] Not quite - "I'm just a bloody fake" was my idea.
i wish my work was finished
And I could go straight home
But maybe I'd swing by the pub
"I can't resist." (Georg Ohm)
Banality in all its forms
Is found on MC here
In fact it is one of our norms
No deep thoughts shall appear.
(A hymn to be sung to the tune of "All Things Bright and Beautiful".)
If any intellectual
Attempts to prove us wrong
She or he'll be pilloried
In poetry and song. Fat chance
A cross-eyed bear called Gladley
Met a cock-eyed bear called Bill
The pair devoured a wall-eyed pike
Strabismus wins two-nil.
I wish I were a dashing spy
Dashing from Prague to Rome
With pistol, gloves and killer shades
And camera in my comb

Perhaps this deserves several verses ..

I'd have no need for mundane things
I'd love my Austin Martin
Its blazing guns would clear the road
And leave the baddies smartin'


My basic needs would be supplied - usa
(Women, wine, and poker chips)
My cool, suave charm would be applied
To Octopussy's swaying hips.
Nasty villains I'd track down
Mmmmm - try that with more space

Software - Nasty villains I'd track down

Blow up their secret hideaways
they'd stroke their cats to no avail
Their henchmen turned to runaways. oish

On service to Her Majesty

My license is to kill
With ricin or with bullets' aim
Either way it's brill.

I'm on the SMERSH most-wanted list
But do not care a jot
I'm women-and-martini-pissed
My suave is all to pot


Most of all, I'm just so cool
My machismo knows no bounds
But that's my dream. In real life
I'm a milkman on my rounds Well, that was fun while it lasted :o)
I wish I were a painter
My house I'd decorate
I'd paint it in pink candystripes
and sell it to the Tate
I wish I were decisive. That spy series wasn't bad at all. A bit of polishing and it would be reminiscent of Milligan.
Or do I? I'm not sure
But then, on the other hand
I like to dither more
I wish I could remember
Whatever I forgot
But did I forget anything?
My memory says not
I wish I could stop dreaming
and rouse myself from sleep
But the arms of Morpheus
Are lovely, long and deep
Oi! You nicked my bicycle!
How can I get home?
The bus is gone I've got no dosh
So Oi'll polish off me pome
I wish I were a test pilot
In stratospheric realms
Mach IV would seem slow to me
Until I hit those elms.
I wish my sinuses would drain [Rosie] marvellous finish!
Then I could hum fine tunes
But sadly I just suffer Which I do, actually :o(
Most Aprils, Mays and Junes. (blamelewis) Cheers. I was inspired by the thought of a mate who flies a Tiger Moth. Top speed 80 mph and it can just about clear the trees.
I wish I was a tiger moth
I'd aim to clear the trees
With wooden prop and wings of cloth
Being careful not to sneeze.
I wish I was a cauliflower
With fractal-like florets
But please don't overcook me (Raak) Yeah, all right, :-)
Else I'll get the sweats
I swoop above the cabbage fields
To look for Peter Rabbit
Airborne death falls from the sky
The vultures dive and grab it.
I wish I was a Brussels sprout veg cascade!
Fresh-steamed and dipped in butter
Best Brassica that ever was
"I hate you!" children mutter
I wish I were a curtain (Softers) About right. :-)
Upon a Broadway stage
I'd be raised revealing stars
From Vaudeville's golden age
A second use for cabbages
Which very few folks know
Is in machines of Babbage's
To smooth the data-flow.
Excellent stuff. Bravo those people
I wish I were a Pearly King Here Here!
A cockney through-and-through
Robed in gaudy sequinned bling
And act 'oity-toity too
I wish I were a Weetabix
Or two - they're best in pairs
But quick, I go all soggy
If with liquid one prepares
I wish I was a Metro train
My headlights incandescent
'Neath the streets I would wind
In ecstasy transcendent.
A duck is sleeping on the tracks
Its head beneath its wing
It doesn't hear the closing train
Now it's dead, poor thing re last one: I would have thought someone would have spotted something like - "N'ere stopping at the 'Crescent" but there you go.
We're stopping at the "Crescent"
Let's all get out and look
This station looks quite pleasant
Aye, fancy, in't it, chuck?
A smart and well-kept station
Is wond'rous to behold
It fills me with elation
And makes me brave and bold.
I wish I worked for TfL
They're full of japes and stunts
When storms blow leaves across the lines
I think "Those useless people."
I wish I didn't have thith lithp
'Cos really I'm dead hard
I'll thmack the thod what takth the pith
Or callth me a wetard ...and fair enough...
I'd like to spend my life at sea
A-seeking grog and plunder
And have a girl in every port
Who's willing to go under Yeah, mine's hanging in the hall, thanks.
I wish I'd been a Chippendale
In lycra posing thong
However, I am but a weed
And won't reveal my dong
I wish I were a checkout clerk
With barcode-reader thing
I'd wear my name-badge upside-down [Soft/Raak/Rosie/blame] Genuinely laughed out loud.
Of Tesco I am King.
Outside the supermarket
Beside the bottle bank
I'll take myself in hand right now
There's only me to thank aha!
It doesn't take a lot to find - [pen] tee hee
You've nothing in your purse [pen] :0)
So stick it on the credit card [pen] thank you
And let the debt get worse aka Patience Strong.. Would someone give me a break from moralising last lines please?!
I count my money every day
It takes me all the morning
Whoever said that crime don't pay?
They've not read the safety warning to put this one to bed
I like to dress in orange garb
and paint my buttocks blue
Then storm the pitch at Boundary Park
And entertain the few.
I smeared my shins with marmalade
Said Paddington one day.
Mr Gruber frowned and shook his head
"Sticky little bears can't play." ...there.
I wish I could be somewhere else
And even then, not there
Where'er it is I seem to go
I'd rather be elsewhere.
I've just come back from nowhere
Or Redditch, as it's called
Up there they talk quite funny
As they think "called" rhymes with "carpet". Eh?
I wish I had a time machine
Like that I once had soon
This time I'll read the user guide
No matter how jejune
I wish I were a molecule (Phil) V good!
Of purest anthracite [Rosie] I used to have a chemistry teacher who pronounced it "mow-lay-queue-all",
I'd rule a landscape miniscule
With my atoms all packed tight
If I had much more money
I'd buy myself some friends
I'd bask in sycophantic praise
In my Mercedes-Benz
April makes me happy
September makes me sad
April is quite crappy [Rosie] Ta! [Quendalon] Minuscule is the correct, if widely unknown, spelling
But September is rad! bipolar? [Phil] Even I've fallen for that one... classic Graeme Garden new definition for it though =)
I wish I was the Taj Mahal
All marble pure and white
Best Asian grub in Colliers Wood
It hits the spot just right [Phil] You are correct! I'm so embarrassed. I feel small -- nay, minuscule. :-)
I wish to find Nirvana
Or any sort of grunge
Maybe AC/DC
Or Napalm Black Death Gunge.
I'm off to visit Shangri-La
And learn the secret truth
Of jet lag, crap food, cancelled flights
LHR T5 forsooth!
I've been around the world again
But when I got back home
My bags were still in Cairo
My underwear in Rome
I'm glad I'm not a terminal
With baggage all astray
And I'm glad I'm not an airline
In terminal disarray
I wish I was a marmoset
In marmalade or jam
'Cos I am a real sweet tooth
Don't like green eggs and ham.
I wish I had some oobleck
To spread upon my toast
To eat with my Green Eggs and Ham
While I'm reading next door's post
I wish I manned a tower crane
Armed with a wrecking ball
I'd be every building's bane
In Telford, first of all. Pandering to popular taste, though Swindon, Basingstoke and Crawley would have done.
A nuclear bomb and Bracknell
Go like toast and jam
This should be known more widely (SM) I used to work there (Met Office) 1964-66. A soulless dump even then.
So I'll set up Auto Spam - which gets rid of that one - phew
I have a proposition
To end this sentence with
That's such a supposition
From mister Simons Mith
Oblig.
I wish I were a lumberjack
Hanging round a bar
I'd wear long frilly dresses
Just like my dear mama - oblig.
A fact that few consider
Regarding soccer moms
Is that their little poppets
To matches carry bombs
Rule one is that Thou Shall Wear Socks
Rule two is to not catch the Pox
Ah, this is a limerick, yes?
I wish that I were hosiery
Wrapped 'round a woman's thighs
Instead (here's full disclosury)
I just dreams and sighs
I wish I were a proper noun
And not a proper twit
I wouldn't mislead my online friends
By pretending I'm a wit
I wish I were a raspberry [Softers] Precisely the line I nearly put in yesterday!
Blown in your direction
Then I would really signify
Contempt for your complexion
Spare the rod and spoil the child
So whack him with a kipper
The little sod has run quite wild
Who'd ever have a nipper?
I wish I were a bumblebee
I'd bumble hither-thither
Up to the point when you might say - go on - swear out loud. You know you want to.
Fuck it, then. Why dither? (Chalks) Oh, I do, but actual invitations are scarce.
I wish I was a potted plant
A fern or aspidistra
I'd live in conservatory
De-dum te-tum de-dah -life's too short to faff around with impossible rhymes and nonsensical third lines :-)
I wish I had more patience
With Software's last third line
I wish I'd thought before I wrote My fault - I must have had a brain fart
Contrition, thus, is mine. (pen) Which orifice is involved in these eruptions?
I wish I owned a parrot
I wish I owned a parrot [pen] confession is good for the soul ;o) + More brain farting!
Oh I wish I owned a parrot
But I don't.
I've thought a lot about this line
Perhaps I've over-thought
But when I think about my thoughts
I get really overwrought
I wish I were a beer mat
For real ale not for lager
Anything that I soaked up
Would serve to end this saga (mercy killing)
I wish I were a Riesling
Or maybe a Gewurz
Instead I'm just a pale Soave
Life's so unfair, it hurts
I wish I was a mezcal worm
Condensing boozy vapours
In stasis there I would remain
A source of mental capers
I would I were a pint of ale
As clear as amber dew
I'd sit upon my beermat
Anticipating you
As swift as Summer Lightning
Your cooking passed through me
The thunder rumbles on, though
As does the smell of brie
I wish I were an antelope
An ungulate or deer
I'd skip across the grassy plains Do I sound like a lumberjack? Hello, Darren. Where have you been, then?
And wonder why I'm here
I like to play upon my oud
Or my didgeridoo
But as for my soprano sax
it always leaves me blue
I wish I were a tangerine
I really don't know why
They say I'm prone to whimsy
My head floats in the sky
I wish I were a dicky-bird
A-sitting on the fence
I'd then uncover what occurred
If I were not so dense
To wait and watch and listen
While drinking whisky sours
Is, I think, a great fun way
To while away these hours
To fart and belch and chunder
Is what every Aussie loves
So is it any wonder
They don't quite sound like doves. v few rhymes
I wish I was the Ace of Spades
So black and curved, yet pointed
We aces all are renegades
When trumped we're disappointed.
I wish I were a saxophone
All levers, pads and keys
I'd be blown and fondled
Is no-one going to finish this bugger? It's not that difficult, surely, and it has stood here for 4 days.
Right between the knees
For hours I stood and waited
For any sign of you
I sighed and contemplated
Stalking someone new.
I wish I were a chainsaw (Quen) That's the 'cello, surely. :-)
I'd really get a buzz
From taking part in massacres
And perplexing Texas fuzz
I wish I were a plank of wood
With no termites around
By carpenters I would be nailed
By creosote be browned.
I booked a flight to Katmandu - Last three - neat :-)
It seemed a good idea
I then went on to Timbuktu
Tomorrow, Llwynypia. It rhymes, it scans. Look it up. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!
I traveled to the Isle of Man
(The third leg of my trip)
I spent three days in fun Milan
Some tw*t put me in knip - I dunno - I'd barely uttered the word scaloppini... and there he was, brandishing his Mario Batali Oil Drizzler ...
Begone, vile knippieri! (Phil) V good
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