[Lib] Stockport? No problem. I'm well away from there. Once you've got some practice in, I daresay you'll be very good, but thankfully I'm feeling very well at the moment, living here in the south east! And as for your nightmare scenario... several years after I graduated I had a nightmare in which I found out I hadn't actually graduated at all - I failed the maths module because the lecturer had lost my coursework. *shudders*

[Lib] I'm not going to ask.

A woman wakes up with a terrible hangover and finds herself sharing her bed with an elephant. "God I must have been tight last night!" she exclaims. "Yes," says the elephant, "at least the first couple of times."

Luckily I can't be bothered to type out the hamster joke.

...a dog playing chess with its owner. So he says, "What a remarkably intelligent dog!", and the owner replies, "Not really, he's lost the first two games."

A West Virginian man walked into a bar....an' it et him to bits!
Explanation upon request.

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a cheetah.

He was trying to pull a fast one.

And never forget the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!"

Well, my great uncle died of deafness...

...he didn't hear the steamroller.

Four fonts walk into a bar.

The barman says "we don't want your type in here."

[BtD] Presumably the publican didn't like the look of their face?

[BtD] You're a Tim Vine fan, aren't you?

I said to the newsagent, "I'd like to read a magazine on the supernatural, please."
Newsagent: Fortean Times?
Me: No, just once.

[MF] In all honesty - I don't know who Tim Vine is - but if you think he'd make me laugh...

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Q: what do you call a communist volleyball player?
A: a red setter.

[Lib] That one just sticks in my mind.

Tim Vine writes a lot of this kind of one-liner. Most of the gags on this page are by him, esp. the ones lower down. He's a regular on ITV's The Sketch Show, which is starting next week I think. He's also on tour this year.

I was in the video shop, and I said, "I'd like an action movie please." The assistant went, "D'you want to rent Batman Forever?" I said, "no, just for a couple of hours."

A man walked into a bar...gain antique shop and said "What's new?"

ok, I'll bite.. what's the west virginian one about? Oh, and Lib, I must insist that you type the hamster one..

[snorgle] Here's another joke as a hint.

Q: Why does a West Virginian Nativity Scene have the Three Wise Men in total fireman's gear?
A: Because it says in the Bible that they came from a'far.

(If all else fails, think Huckleberry Hound.)

[Dr Q] Who? Was s/he Tom Sawyer's companion? ☺

[Dr] Ah... I've just worked it out... Yes, second one was a big hint!