The return of the facial nightwear game

Forget names, faces? Embarrassed by your poor command of English? Have you encountered a mysterious and possibly very rude phrase, but you're afraid to ask what it meant? This is the place for you. Leave such face pyjamas here, and let our panel of resident experts laugh at them.

And so it begins...

• Breadmaster - To kick things off, a young lady friend of mine recently enquired if I had ever enjoyed a nocturnal breakfast. Would I have to bring my own bottle of milk, or was something else meant?
• gil - I can tell that you've been imagining all sorts of salacious double-meanings here. Corn flakes soaked in bodily fluids - albeit the bodily fluids of cattle, specifically, milk - do sometimes figure in even conventional breakfasts. However, there is no salaciousness involved in a nocturnal breakfast. It is simply a snail and frog hunt, conducted with torches in the open air near wet boggy places. And the penalty is that you have to take the sorry captives home in the grey dawn and eat the poor devils, which will make you nearly as unhappy as it makes them.

  Javanese Bicycle

• DrQu+xum - Do you remember the Sun JavaStation? It was essentially a Sparc 4 put into a purple wedge. A Javanese Bicycle is when you have two Beowulf clusters of these things (reformatted and running NetBSD, of course), which are positioned to make a wheel-like shape.
  
  I think Blob suggested it in The Banter Page: Playing The Glass Harmonica
• rab - This is the practice of attempting something whose outcome can be beautiful but potential for calamity is large. The etymology is obvious: the glass harmonica, it is said, produces some of the purest tones ever heard by the human ear, but at least 80% of those who have tried to play it have met with untimely death.

  A friend once asked me if I'd mind buttering her muffin tin. I think this might be illegal in some places. Could you advise?

• Bob the dog - I would have accepted immediately - never turn down an offer like that! She was referring to I can't give precise details on what, after all, is a family oriented web site. Your presumption that it is illegal in some places is correct. It is against the law to do it around the armpits.
  
  Whilst on holiday in the midlands I once heard someone refer to a Kidderminster Whelk. Can anyone advise?
• snorgle - This is a reference to an unfortunate result of Buttering a Muffin Tin, in which the sufferer has a strange, bow-legged gait, which may persist for 10-14 days, until fully healed. Personally, I have always wondered what licking the icing meant, as when I heard it, we were nowhere near a kitchen and no confectionary was being prepared.
• PaulWay - Was it just me, or did face pyjamas used to mean "things that sound like a euphemism but have no obvious connotation"? When presented with something like 'licking the icing', I'm afraid I have all to literal a picture in mind... involving whipped cream and... fades into mental haze
• Bob the dog - Ah ha! the Campaign for real Face Pyjamas continues!
  
  [snorgle] I think you misheard licking the icing. The term is linking the ricepudding and refers to the fundamental Christian practice of mixing savoury and sweet dishes in a blender (originally operated by donkey). This is in order to create a "bland dish worthy of the lord" (Deliah Ch2 vv7). This explains a lot as most schools, hospitals and meals on wheels services are run by Seventh Day Adventists.
  
  But what is a folly bucket?
• gil - [PaulWay] You are almost correct. Face Pyjamas was a kind of euphemism game, as originally conceived, and as I tried to make clear in my initial move, above. But some seem to have found the concept impossible to comprehend, and it's now a sort of MC Dictionary.

  Folly Bucket - the polite name for a device originally invented in Geneva, Switzerland, as a sort of portable vomitarium cum chamber pot for young bloods intent on getting helplessly drunk without sullying the pristine streets. The term is now used to describe the sort of person who ought to carry one.

  Velvet Scabbard

• PaulWay - I think I overheard someone explaining that one at work today; it's the term for some piece of 'assistance' rendered by management to employees that is supposed to save time and money but is actually practically useless. E.g. "I wanted a sword and he gave me a velvet scabbard." The velvet bit refers, I think, to the fact that management find these things quite attractive in a "buzzwords and warm glows" way.

  I've got one for you: Pudding elbow

• gil - Embarrassment caused by over-reaching oneself. Derived from the fate of those who, in reaching for the cream, dangle their sleeves in the Charlotte Russe.

  Cornish Date?

• Breadmaster - This is a thing rather like a haggis, but instead of wholesome meat and vegetables it's filled with dried fruit. It was originally made for tin miners to take to work as a kind of packed lunch, the rationale being that it was so revolting it would make working in a tin mine seem not so bad after all.
  
  An acquaintance asked if I want to try salty surfing. Do I need a licence?
• PaulWay - This is simply another name for bodysurfing, where you use yourself as the board. More salt in the face, you see.

  What do you think of a round of foot crepes?

• Wol - No thanks. Those large, round discs of dead skin from the soles of your feet are hard to make palatable.

  Purple lampoon?

• DrQu+xum - As I see it, it's a guy sharking after hours in Cleveland.
  
  I've heard this one but not sure of its meaning: A frayed rope in the pulley.
• gil - It's applied to chaps who (ahem) can't get IT up. IT, or Information Technology, is quite a complex undertaking and a broken wire (frayed rope) in the circuit (the pulley) will just prevent the user getting it working (up).

  Safari Beard

• Bob the dog - The results of a night in the bush.
  
  Ahem.
  
  I've heard of a Toilet Duck, but what is a Pantry Chicken?
• Blob - Ah the Pantry Chicken is that strange little beast that lurks in the larder, but whose existence it is impossible to prove. It is responsible for mysterious crumbs where there used to be cakes. For scuffling, scuttling noises heard on opening the door suddenly. For any strange noises heard through the closed door. And most notably for the fact that eggs - that turn out to be hopelessly addled - turn up in the most unlikely places.
  The chicken itself of course is mythical, but it is used to explain any of the above (and many other) inexplicable phenomena involving this store room.

  I once overheard an elderly pair of ladies discussing Pimlico pasties - any ideas ?

• gil - It's difficult to tell the context from your question, but if the ladies seemed to be the kind of elderly ladies who enjoy their food, then they were probably referring to savoury filled pastry snacks. Pimlico pasties, in particular, are characterised by a generous admixture of horsemeat (Pimlico being a racecourse in Maryland, USA). On the other hand, if the ladies still looked in fine fettle, slim and a little cheeky, they may have been referring to that variation on the glittery stick-on pastie used by strip artistes as a rather vestigial modesty aid - a tip of the hat, if you like, to covering at least one goose pimple - the Pimlico Pastie, made entirely of cellophane.

  Stiff Gallop?

• DrQu+xum - I think you misspelt it. A Stiff Gallup is a election/poll/whatever in which all of the choices are equal given the margin of error. So named because it was said that deadlocked votes were the only means of excitement for Mr Gallup.
  
  Tuna Harbour
• Uncle Korky - The semi-mythical Tuna Harbour is a massive 'C'-shaped formation of rocks, just below the surface of the Pacific Ocean, which is possibly the remnants of a long-extinct underwater volcano. As such, the composition of the rocks are such that marine life thrives there, and hordes of tuna descend upon the place daily to feed. Canny Hawaiian fishermen have sussed this out, and are known to make frequent nocturnal trips to Tuna Harbour, where a little effort guarantees great satisfaction.

  I heard that a friend of mine was caught polishing the yucca. Is this serious? (And do I win £10?)

• gil - Very serious. Though it sounds like simple hanky panky (if you know what I mean), it is, in fact, much more serious. It concerns the fraudulent filling in of email addresses when requested by websites. This may seem pretty innocuous, until you realise what damage is done by perpetuating false email addresses. Think of the vast quantities of important advertising email that is sent to bogus recipients. Think of the plight of African victims of oppression who have several million dollars to move to the West, and can't find anyone trustworthy to help. Think of all the poor devils who need parts of their bodies enlarged, or access to life-saving drugs like Viagra. And think how email-spoofing behaviour is harming all these wonderful enterprises. The name is derived from the unfortunate Yukka Polish Inc, which pre-dated the internet. They send out their adverts in these handy reply-paid inserts that you just love to find in magazines, but to which some twisted pervert of a DJ on The Light Programme of the BBC took an unaccountable dislike. He recommended that listeners fill in the reply with a bogus name and address and send it back. The resulting postage-paid bill would have sunk the company anyway, had not the weight of accumulated mailbags not caused the company HQ (a portakabin) to slide into Portsmouth docks with the loss of all hands.

  Try something less vicious, like the Belfast Sandwich

• Not gil. Oh, no. - What did I say that stopped the game dead?
• Uncle Korky - Dunno, Gil - I thought it would be cheeky if I posted again so soon on this one!
• rab - They say the best things come to those who wait.
• gil - Oh. I thought it might have been the double negative in the last sentence.
• Bob the dog - A Belfast Sandwich refers to any foodstuff which causes highly explosive flatulence - as eloquently expressed in the well known saying, "Those globe artichokes make me fart like a Belfast Sandwich."
  
  While I'm getting my coat, does anyone know what a Tavistock Kevin is?
• DrQu+xum - Oh yes. Kevin Tavistock ("Kevin t' hav' 'is stock"; shown as Tavistock Kevin) is a fake sender name filled in by automatically propagating spamming worms. If you recall the Weebl & Bob episode "Bob Goes To France Part 3", you'll recall that Kevin was a transvestite French stripper that stole Bob's kidneys. The e-mailed name gives reference to that; the contents of the spam are for smuggled organs.
  
  Anyone ever hear this one, popular in Maryland: Frightened pink terrapin ?
• gil - [Frightened pink terrapin ] Nope. That's a new one on me. On the other hand, you may have been fooled by the rather broad Maryland accent. Could you have been hearing, instead, "Heightened sink tarpaulin", a device for preventing one's washbasin from being invaded by what the locals, for tourism reasons, like to call "pine bugs", but are, in fact, massive, rapacious, fast reproducing, genetically modified cockroaches with very loud voices.

  What's it mean when someone is referred to as a bit of an Andogynous Andrew.

• Bob the dog - A little confusion here too. An Androgynous Andrew is someone who is readily available for procreation with either sex (eg "he's very 'Andy"). An Anogynous Andrew, however, is an unlicenced form of wholewheat bread*.
  
  What takes Jones'Finger to arrange when in Kent?
  * - Made from incorrectly Spelt flour.
• Raak - Jones' Finger is a Kentish expression for a dibber, a finger-shaped implement for dibbing holes in the soil to plant seeds in.

  Isn't a frightened pink terrapin what happens when a gentleman's *ahem* is unable to *ahem*?

  What are Curtain Tongs for?

• gil - [when a gentleman's *ahem* is unable to *ahem*] ... due to a hairless scrotum, perhaps?

  [Andogynous] sorreee - inadequate poof reading.

  deliberate error, turkey

  Curtain Tongs (the real thing) are used for hanging, taking down and adjusting glassfibre drapes which are magnificently fireproof, but tend to insert fine fibres of, frankly, glass under the fingernails if dealt with by bare hands even in latex gloves. The term is really now the equivalent of "A Bargepole" in the phrase "I wouldn't touch him/her with Curtain Tongs, even before I heard the rumour", and is even reduced to an adjective in some demotic contexts. As in: "Whaddya think of 'er?" "Curtain Tongs, mate. Curtain Tongs."

  Phone Bottle

• Raak - The ability to charm someone's knickers off over the phone, especially when one is invariably tongue-tied and bashful face to face.

  Chimney Poker

• gil - Any gambling card game conducted in a smoke-filled room (usually with attendant beer, flatulence and bad language)

  Modesty Cupboard

• matt - Isn't that where one keeps one's face pyjamas?

  Greased Lemon

• Ly - Buttering you toast - someone used this as a sexual reference...and I'm dying to find out what it means...
• Raak - I believe it involves a greased lemon.
• Ly - [Raak] righhhttt....
• gil - Bit of a messy entry there. Thanks for clearing it up, Raak.

  Buttering you (sic) toast. Simply means spreading a sort of emulsion made from the scum that floats to the top of a certain farmyard animal's mammalian secretions onto a scorched slice of material sawed from a block consisting of the ground up tops of certain grasses, a fungoid organism which exhales greenhouse gases, a little fat and ascorbic acid mixed with a little water, which is pounded together, allowed to ferment for a while and then roasted in a hot oven until brown all over. Not terribly romantic, I'm afraid. And you do NOT want to hear what's meant by "bacon, black pudding and eggs"!

  Puffed Wheat - Ha! I nearly said "Corn Flakes".

• Raak - This is an allusion to the story of the three little pigs and the big bad wolf. The first little pig built his house of straw, and the wolf huffed and puffed and blew it away. Hence, to describe an enterprise as puffed wheat is to imply that it has been undertaken with no real effort and no knowledge of what is required and how to carry it out, and will fail at the first test. Cf. Stacked Broomhandles, referring to the second pig's house of sticks, which meets a similar fate, showing that although real effort has been applied, it is wasted without real knowledge; and Stout Brick, referring to the third pig's house built with right effort knowledgeably applied.

  Daisy Piercing

• Dujon - 'Daisy Piercing' was well known during the 17th and 18th centuries but appears to have fallen into a decline of usage. Whilst it originally had only one meaning it was expanded during it's later use and, eventually, meant two things
  
  A) The art (and it is one) of hanging a cow bell
  
  B) The act of a gigolo - the inference here being that gigolos generally 'date' old cows.
  
• Dujon - Hello, hello; I seem to have cut off myself. So, and it's something that has always intrigued me and yet something to which I have never had a satisfactory answer; what is a
  
  Kiwi fruit?
  
• Breadmaster - Quite simply, I suggest you go into a bar in Invercargill and, clutching your tube of Speights firmly for protection, ask the massed ranks of ram-castrating rugger buggers for a Kiwi Fruit. I can guarantee that you will learn pretty rapidly what it means, and you will probably learn a lot of other new words too.
  
  In the same spirit, I was recently offered a Cornish Pasting, but had no time to spare and was forced to make my excuses. Would I have needed to bring my own wallpaper?
• Darren - No, this is simply the process of tenderising meat in the preparation of a Cornish pasty. The word is also applied to the meat after it has been so treated. Some aficionados of meat products enjoy eating a Cornish pasting without the pastry of a pasty around it, and clearly this is what you were being offered. However, it can be an acquired taste as the meat hasn't yet been cooked.

  Recently I heard an answerphone message in which the callee claimed to be busy Gluing the Green Envelope. What was really going on?

• Dujon - Darren, this is a political term. When those standing for a particular constituency do their junk mail distribution they have three distinct tasks. Firstly, the 'blues', who are virtually guaranteed to vote for 'the party', the 'reds', who are not, and the 'greens' who are most likely undecided (as opposed to being 'greenies'.) So, 'Gluing the Green Envelope' actually means sucking up to someone you don't know with the intent of influencing them to your way of thought.
  
  Now, a young lady asked me this the other day and I was at a loss for words - in fact I was flabbergasted as I hadn't put the hard word at that time; help me please, what is a Dirty Line
• Raak - One on which you cannot get a clean signal, meant either literally or metaphorically. A young lady so au fait with hacker slang sounds a valuable catch.

  What goes on in the purple light district?

• gil - Very much the same as goes on in a red light district, but with additional farm animals. Mind your feet when you visit, and do not be surprised if you see a good-looking ewe in a shop window.

  Paper CD?

• gil - And I hope you noticed that I said nothing at all about Welshmen or welly boots in that entry about purple light districts. Oh, bugger, I just pressed "Submit" by mistake....
• Darren - A paper CD is an item of clothing (if it may be termed clothing) for suntanning the genitals, consisting of a circle of reflective paper with a circular hole cut concentrically in it. To wear the paper CD, you simply stick your (cough cough) through the hole, go sunbathing wearing nothing else. The sun's rays are concentrated on the key area producing a pronounced tanning effect. Just be careful you don't burn.

  What about a dog-end brusher?

• gil - Originally a specialised tool for the removal of ordure from the smelly end of long-haired dogs and cats, it is now applied to any person with a truly distressingly repulsive job, such as teaching schoolchildren or telephone sales.

  Welsh Stripper

• Chalky - This is blindingly obvious really. Everybody has heard of a Welsh Dresser, that substantial and robust decorative pine display unit which leans precariously against the wall in a kitchen, or indeed sitting room, in some cases dining room, and rarely, a posh entrance hall [pause for breath] - which has shelves and in some instances, little nooks and crannies, etc. Well, most folk proudly display their knick-knacks or amusingly-shaped teapots on these shelves, in order to attract a compliment or two from a passing guest. In short, they 'dress' the shelves. A Welsh Stripper, quite simply, is someone who UNdresses these shelves.

  Oh, and while we're on the subject of egg-cups with cute little legs, my Auntie from Clitheroe has threatened to bequeath to me her precious collection of Oily Leathers and I'm shuddering in anticipation, nay - ignorance. Any ideas?

• Darren - These are simply a form of home-made preserve. To be more precise, oily leathers are a type of marmalade where the "bits" in the marmalade are entire fruit skins. The name comes from the appearance and texture of these skins. Oily leathers are considered something of a delicacy, and are surprisingly hard to make (at least, such that the end product is edible). Futhermore, as they are an acquired taste, I advise you to approach them with caution.

  Meanwhile, what's a tablet contestant?

• Raak - One who takes an aide-memoire to consult in any potentially complex situation, such as being in bed with someone.

  Just what are lucubrations, really? Especially epistolary ones.

• Dujon - I must admit that this took a while to come back to mind, but it finally did! If you ever went to Sunday school I am quite sure that this will ring a bell. epistolary lucubrations is the raw fear experienced by those of little faith when asked to quote a text from the letters of the apostles - it seems (for some as yet unexplained reason) to be more severe should that citation be sourced from the book of Luke.
  
  Now, I came across this the other day and, says he hiding his head in shame, do not know what it means; we all know what "a penny for your thoughts" means, but what about "A quid for your pro"? Surely nothing to do with ladies of the night - or is it?
• plump - This was an early attempt by the World Health Organisation to stop mosquito bites by jamming their proboscis with a concoction of chewing tobacco and DDT. The "quid" in question proved very popular with the insect fraternity and when sprayed in the area was rapidly sucked up the proboscis(or Pro) however they used the human population as a mobile spittoon and the resultant spotty complexion resulted in wasting millions of pounds of a false measles epidemic.
  
  During my wasted years in the local library I borrowed a book about nutty seepage which I lost after page six whilst the expedition was still being organised. What happened and what was it?
• Raak - A hazard of testicle piercing.

  What is a lizard shiner?

• gil - Aussie term for one who wrestles crocodiles for the amusement of tourists.

  Namibian Knot

• Raak - Something I'd rather not know to do with circumcision rituals.

  Is this now a Moribund Entertainment?

• gil - By that, do you mean
  a Norwegian Blue?
• Inkspot - A Norweign Blue and a moribund entertainment are referring to the activity but as seen from across the gender divide.
  A norweign blue was a prank developed by the female students of Oslo University. During rag week they stood by traffic lights in the buff, when the front cars stoppped male drivers were then offered a bucket of cold water, a soapy sponge and 30 seconds to rub the student down.
  What Raak refered to is the jealous wives in the passenger seat death like, arms folded and grim ashen faced not looking.

  My brother who is more widely travelled is rumoured to have had a great time with a Swindon plank is this possible?

• Raak - Only if one is into necrophilia.

  Someone I met in a bar urged me to Repurpose my assets. I backed away slowly -- did I do the right thing?

• Rosie - I think it is highly likely that you did precisely the right thing. It's a a gay chatup line.

  Years ago I was offered a Rum Baba. I had no idea how to conceal my awful ignorance.

• Dujon - A Rum Baba, at least if you come from Wales, New Zealand or Australia, is a strange (read very strange) sheep. Whilst we are on the subject of strange phrases, I was up the local shops the other day and one of the proprietors mentiond a Virtual Ending. Did I hear this correctly, or is there something that I am missing?
• Raak - You're not missing anything, although someone else may be. A Virtual Ending is when two people in bed together amicably decide, for whatever reason, that it's not going to work, and just have a snuggle instead.

  I recently heard a birdwatcher mention sighting a Trunnion's Warbler. It's not listed in any reference book I've looked at. What is it?

• gil - Twitchers' slang originally for a magpie, now applied to any common bird. An amateur birdwatcher called Goately Trunnion famously excited the ornithological world with reports of a pair of Pied Blue-winged Azalea Warblers (thought to be extinct) in his Wimbledon garden. They turned out to be magpies, to Trunnion's eternal shame.

  Brighton Snack?

• Crudpuppy - A Brighton Snack is a posh name for a visit to the Massage Parlour.

  Gammon Ears

• virushead - I've come across the word "spotty" in some British literature. At times it seems to mean "pimply-faced" but other times something closer to "cowardly." Is this Brit slang? What is the etymology - anything to do with smallpox?
• Breadmaster - If, despite being generally quick on the uptake, you unexpectedly commit a social faux pas because you have competely misunderstood something, you can be said to have "gammon ears". An example might be mistaking a foolish word game for a genuine etymological discussion. (I have never heard of "spotty" meaning "cowardly" though.)
  
  Someone once complimented me on my Cat's toenails. Should I be offended?
• Chalky - On the contrary. The phrase 'Cat's Toenails' ranks highly in the Idiomatic Chart, just below 'the Bee's Knees' if I recall, and considerably higher than 'the Dog's Bollocks'.

  Talking of which, I am experiencing some bonding difficulties with my boyfriend's schnauzer. A West Byfleet Purfling Cobnut has been recommended but must confess to being too embarrassed to purchase one. Should I be?

• Bob the dog - West Byfleet Purfling Cobnuts are "Cobnuts" made by Purfling Ltd, a veterinarian toy manufacturer based in West Byfleet. Cobnuts are very much like scented doughnuts that can be hung from your belt. If you do this, your boyfriend's schnauzer will be your friend for life. The downside is that you will have to put up with smelling like a dog's arse.
  
  I recently won a raffle. Someone referred to me as a Poncho Flinger. At the time I thought it was a complement...?
• gil - One who pretends never to have won anything, never to enter competitions or lotteries, but regularly receives prizes. My mother was one such. The expression derives from the habits of Poncho-brandishing Mexican entrepreneur Don Garcia Alfonso Alhambra, the founder of the Alhambra cinema chain, who ran well-publicised weekly raffles in his cinemas but always won the raffles himself under various assumed names.

  Pencil Sharpener

• Raak - Circumcision knife.

  Black & Decker

• Chalky - . . . is the name of the duo recently formed by celebrity redheads Cilla Black [of Liverpewl] and Carol Decker [of T'Pau]. Their debut rap single, produced and mixed by DJ Workmate, will be released in time for the Christmas season and will be titled 'Screw you - bosch bosch'.

  On a recent caravan holiday, I was offered Camping Gaz. As it was my last day, I demurred. Was I wise?

• DrQu+xum - [Chalky] You sure that wasn't Camping Gazza, a time-wasting caravan game where people do combination impressions of two famous people? So named for the first one attempted -- Lionel Blair + Paul Gascoigne.
  
  What about chippolata slogging?
• gil - A reduced form of the game Hide the Salami (qv)

  Aberdeen Galloper?

• Darren - This term refers to someone who enjoys riding horses wearing only a kilt to protect their modesty. Saddles for Aberdeen Galloping are usually covered in metal studs, and Gallopers usually whip themselves while they are riding while screaming, "Oh yes!" in high-pitched squeals.

  In the United States, an Aberdeen Galloper more usually refers to someone who has participated in the annual race between all three Aberdeens, in Washington, South Dakota and Maryland. No form of motor transport may be used during this race - any violations of this rule lead to being summarily shot by the race officials.

  In the meantime, what is a meaty palm?

• Raak - One which is holding a salami.

  Who goes nogging the nog, and why?

• gil - The reason, Raak, that no-one has bothered to reply to your "Who goes nogging the nog" entry is that the answer is so obvious that we cannot bring ourselves to utter it.

  Moving swiftly on... I used to think that Revolving Door was rhyming slang, but could never conceive of a rhyme that fit the context in which the expression was (with rolling eyes and nudges) used. Now I'm not so sure...

• Chalky - Hmmm - your secondary instincts may be spot-on . . . only because a 'revolving door' is an alternative [rhyming slang] yet polite way of describing a 'Roger' [bruising nudges, grossly exaggerated winks and embarrassing stretchy mouthshape] short for 'Roger Moore' - he of the questionable raised eyebrow and much else besides.

  OK. What about this weight-lifting mallarkey then? I am told that a Clean and Jerk technique is desirable if one wishes to go from strength to strength?

• DrQu+xum - Yes, "clean and jerk" is now a weightlifting term (to lift and successfully support the weights are two different levels -- one at shoulder-height, or the "clean", the other with arms straight above the head, the "jerk"), but it came from the original weightlifters -- Eastern European immigrant women to the US. They often had 10 or more children in the fambly (accent declared), and as such the laundry load was wont to be 100lbs or greater, so the mother had to do a similar technique to carry it.
  
  The reverse term could also apply to the fathers after the 5th or 6th kid....
  
  I was having a drink with a few friends from Physics when one of them pointed to a nice-looking girl, but said "he once gave her out for hitting the ball twice." Was I right in choosing to avoid her then?
• plump - Yes "hitting the ball twice " is a reference to somebody who when first met was fantastically beautiful and well turned out but after a couple of dates turns into a smelly unkempt wretched figure who you wouldn't look twice at. The phrase originates from the story of Cinderella who arrived at the ball looking like a princess but by the time she left had already lost a shoe and arrived home looking like a tramp, one can only imagine what a subsequent trip to the ball would have resulted in.
  
  Moisten the sand and old Bedouin saying but what was it about?
• Dazed5 - Before we stray too far (because then it will cease to be funny), from the subject of female weightlifters, the 'clean and jerk' is, of course, not the only discipline. It was reported, perhaps apocriphally, that an Olympic T.V. commentator had once described a Bulgarian girl as having a 'world-class snatch'.

  ---

  To 'Moisten the sand' could well refer to the Bedoiun behaviour of staggering out of the Camel and Scimitar at chucking-out time and finding no taxis of the desert waiting, chooses to relieve himself behind the bus-stop at the nearest oasis.

  ---

  I was somewhat perterbed the other day to hear something or other described as 'like throwing a Woodbine up Broad St' What do you think they were talking about?
• Raak - Broad Street is a street in the middle of Oxford, and is indeed broad. The phrase refers the traditional May Day festival held there, which would commence at dawn with a competition to see who could throw a bunch of fragrant woodbine herbs up Broad Street the farthest. This would be followed by a race to sweep the resulting pile of woodbine all the way along the street. In the days of horse-drawn transport, this also served a useful function in cleaning and deodorising the road of unwelcome material. So metaphorically, throwing a woodbine up Broad Street means any way of transforming a necessary chore into a joyful activity. Try dropping this phrase into your next management meeting: "Let's throw a woodbine up Broad Street on this one and see where it drops."

  What are hot boots and cold boots?

• JLE - The remedy for cold feet and warm feet, respectively. D'OH.

  In other words, "hot boots" are anything, be it an actual object, argument or other psychological device, used to convince someone to do something that s/he is scared to do (has "cold feet" about). Whereas "cold boots" is pretty much the reverse - anything, be it an actual object, argument or other psychological device, used to try and either extricate or at the very least calm down someone who *has* jumped into a situation feet-first only to find it "too hot to handle". Very often the person who was too scared to get into whatever situation it was, turns out to have been right in the first place, and giving them the cold-boots treatment is the only remedy for your own mistake of having given them the hot-boots treatment in the first place. The two concepts most often crop up in arguments between friends over a romantic relationship that one of them is either (a) not yet involved in, and too scared to start, or (b) has gotten involved in, found out that they were *right* to have been too scared to start but it's too late now as it's already started, and wants to try to find a way of reasoning themselves out of it again becuase they can't handle it: and it is the best mate that provides the warm- and cold-boots treatment successively and ill-advisedly ;-)

  In the days when my father was a computer programmer, he would sometimes say that a hard day's work had in fact been turd-varnishing.

• Dujon - Sir/Madam, should your father have really said that, then he was dredging the pond of poor taste! The term turd varnishing is one step lower than 'brown nosing'; it refers to those moments in an office when everything is up-to-date and staff are at a loose end. (Ed: Yeah, right!) Most go to the pub. Others, the 'turd varnishers', head off to the head and take with them 'procedure manuals', a copy of the remarks section of the most recently purchased software core, the company 'directions' manifesto or copy of the latest speech made by their Project Manager, supposedly to 'polish their skills'. I'm sure you get the drift.

  Now, oddly enough, also gleaned from and I.T. type - what the heck is a Farenheit Burster?

• Inkspot - In the depths of the IT department wallows the BOFH and the ever present PFY. And it to this latter ungodly creature that we must turn our attention. Not too bright the the PFY lurks in front of humming screen and servers, surfacing only briefly to ghost into a work area first thing on a Monday morning, 'Tut' three times before removing a computers base unit as the Farenheit Burster looks on in spluttering astonishment.

  Next time I go to the beach should I take a scanning basket.

• JLE - well, Dad used the expression to mean "adding fancy-looking bells and whistles to a product that is in fact, deep down, crap" ;-)
• JLE - that last comment addressed to Dunx by the way.
• JLE - um Dujon not Dunx. *shoots self in head*

  Game on, with Inkspot's scanning basket.

• plump - A scanning basket is the latest timesaving supermarket idea which scans the shopping as they are placed in the basket and a running total appears on the handle. It will also scan the shelves and direct you to the special offers and when you reach the checkout it scans your retina and wallet and deducts the amount from your bank account. The trial was discontinued after the baskets were stacked together and went into a neverending loop charging Tesco £28Billion for a small pack of strawberries.
  
  Slipping Toffee tasty or what?
• Ladybird with no spots - Um while I don't know about slipping toffee could someone explain Frognal twitching to me? I'll get back to the toffee later.
• Fandango - Slipping toffee - only tasty if you get away with it. It was a disparaging term invented around the "Cash for Questions" kind of time - it referred to the brown envelopes of money which bore a passing resemblance to the paper bags which the older politicians remembered taking their pocket-money toffee home in, and the underhand delivery of said envelopes between those involved became known by their disapproving colleagues as "slipping toffee".
• Raak - Frognal twitching is the state of frustration experienced by a man when he thought he would be invited in by his new girlfriend after walking her home. Related to the expression Finchley Road and Frognal, meaning a couple who are (or are presumed to be) having sexual relations.

  What is Double Bassooning?

• smutty voice - Apart from painful?
• plump - Double Bassooning is a variation on breaking wind similar to "stepping on a duck" whereby one breaks wind on each stride but in this instance two people are involved with one playing the counter melody. An attempt by the Coldstream guards to achieve this on mass was the highlight of the 1964 Trooping the Colour.
  
  Tricycle Ointment can it be trusted to do the job?
• Wol - I interject with this irrelevance. I went to school in a tiny village north of York (near Castle Howard). The matron (she had a deputy who really was, as I recall, the product of mixing 1 part Hattie Jacques to two parts Nursie from Blackadder) had a magnificent, all-purpose, 'there-that'll-make-it-better-it's-only-a-graze/bruise/burn/headache-so-stop-fussing' medicinal cream specially made up by a pharmacist in Malton, nearby (God alone knows what went into it). The name of this panacea? Trinity Ointment. And as far as I recall, yes - it could be trusted to do the job ... I now return you to your normal programme
• Raak - Trinity Ointment might well do the job of Tricycle Ointment. The latter is a lubricating and emollifying material for smoothing the axle of the Three Great Turnings of the Wheel of the Dharma; put more prosaically, it is an anti-haemorrhoid cream for monks who must spend many hours sitting in meditation.

  Where might one see a Manchester Gallop?

• gil - Prefixing a Face Pyjama with the word Manchester traditionally coarsens the thing described. For example "I unscrewed it with a Manchester Spanner" means you used a Hammer. "I knocked it back into place with a Manchester Hammer" means you kicked it, and so on. So, a "Manchester Gallop" must mean one of those stumbling runs with random reels to one side or the other and frequent collisions with road furniture that are popularised by the consumers of Strong Drink.

  Portsmouth Kettle

• Bob the dog - The use of the word Portsmouth in a Face Pyjama is very similar to the use of the word Manchester above. It is used to describe something that is unutterably dull. Obviously a Portsmouth Kettle either needs a good polish or lacks charisma.
  
  But what are Budgerigar Trousers?
• Dujon - Ah ha! You have come to the right man for that information. Back in the Dark Ages, circa 1958, I was heavily involved in the breeding of those delightful little creatures - budgerigars, that is, not trousers. Actually I would have taken on trousers but, in those days, it was nearly impossible to get the zips mated. However, I digress.
  The main aim of breeders at that time was to produce a bird which would 'drop it's daks' only for the right mate; it was considered that this would enable the use of multi-species aviaries without the risk of any cross-breed infections. To this end many, many experiments were undertaken and, sadly, in the interest of science, many birds perished. Eventually, being a leading light in this field, I was successful - to a degree anyway. Regrettably, whilst the finished product looked fine and theoretically should have worked, it didn't. It turned out that the male budgies were only 'turned on' when the female produced with the new genes was deceased. So, effectively, the breed died out after only one generation. It became obvious that, instead of producing a budgies gene rouser, I had inadvertently come up with a budgie rigor rouser. This was a spectacular failure which, to my chagrin, has gone down in the annals of the bird breeding community as a 'cheap and seedy' endeavour. Unfortunately it was also picked up by the popular press (in particular the "Parrot Breeders' Bible.") So, with it's wide circulation - and numerous typographical errors - the term which they coined has now entered the common vernacular. I'm sure that most of you would know the phrase (although some are more protected than others) which both sexes use in the pub when a particularly attractive specimen of the opposite sex is sighted wearing a well fitting pair of jeans?
  Basically it means that s/he wouldn't be interested in you even if you were dead!

  Leaving wild life to itself these days I am now more involved in the 'meaning of everything'. So when I came across an articulated case the other day, I was rather intrigued. Something to do with the law? A strange and mobile computer container? The title of a detective novel? Anybody know?

• Raak - This is a doctor's discreet euphemism, when speaking in front of the patient, to signify that the patient has a screw loose, is unhinged, a leg short of a trivet, etc.

  Speaking of trivets, or perhaps not, what is a trivet screw? I don't see it listed in Machinery's Handbook.

• gil - Ah! I think you'll find that should be T-rivet screw, and it's under Screws, Rivet, T-section in most catalogues, but don't ask what they're for. However, as a face pyjama, it carries the connotation of a rather unconventional coupling of human animals of either or both sexes usually in threes, but sometimes in ambitious pairs. I am unwilling to describe the configuration here, but Google should point you to an explicit How-To website.

  Soap Sausage

• Angus Prune - Soap Sausage is anything served up for a meal in any particular popular evening television show. These delicacies serve 3 purposes.
  1) To provide something to be thrown in an argument
  2) To be a backdrop for a date that doesn't happen(ie, dater spends hours preparing said meal for datee, burning the house down in the process, or at least causing GBH to some poor passer by), and
  3) To be on a fork midway between plate and mouth when the argument in scenario 1) breaks out in a public place.
  
  Speaking of trouble, what is a Speke Lexden?
• Dujon - Ah, my dear, you are showing your age. A Speke Lexden is simply a dictionary (including pronunctiations) of "modern" English - i.e. as it is spoke.

  I was glancing through one of my wife's specialist magazines the other week and came across the term tipple peak. To be honest I'm not sure whether I mis-read the words but, if not, can anyone help?

• Angus Prune - You read correctly. I assume this is latest edition of 'Hot Toddy Monthly', the magazine for liqueur coffee connoiseurs. The tipple peak is the small bit of cream on the top of, say, an Irish Cream that ends up on your nose if you glug it down.
  
  Now that you are enlightened, can anyone tell me the purpose of Kemsing Ringers?
• The Truth - hahahahahahahahahaha this is so crap
• The Truth - james is so stupid someone threw a petrol bomb at him and he drank it.
• Bob the dog - Ah a prime example of a Mornington Wassak. Which brings me on to Kemsing Ringers. Basically it refers to anyone who looks like Albert Kemsing (ie 7 foot 2, bald, jug-eared and a tatoo of an armadillo on his chin).
  
  But what is a Christmas Dixon?
• Raak - Christmas Dixons are policement on the beat during the shopping season trying to look friendly and avuncular, like the eponymous copper of Dock Green. This is a rather difficult act to pull off nowadays, when they go clad in bullet-proof vests and fluorescent yellow overcoats, with side-handled telescopic truncheons and rigid handcuffs stuffed into their belts.

  Would one go to the other Dixons for Purple Headphones?

• Angus Prune - Certainly not! I think you'd be likely to get slapped should you dare ask for such a thing! Let's just say you'd be more likely to find that sort of, erm, 'entertainment' in, say, Soho or Montmartre or 5 Bradley Road, Peterborough. (Just say Angus sent you...).
  Now that I've tipped you off, what is the purpose of an Easter Staverley?
• Poisoned Pigeon - That's an ancient religion. Devotees turn their back on Mecca, whistle three times and pray to their cooking pots. Of course with the advent of modern gas stoves, this particular cult has fallen into decline. I came across a reference to a Hogsbotham in a book I'm reading, but can't for the life of me work out what it is. Can anybody help?
• Raak - Literally a hogshead's bottom, this means something similar to the modern expression "scraping the bottom of the barrel". A hogsbotham is something so produced.

  Perhaps we have reached the hogsbotham of this game? Perhaps the definition of Inverted Nuptials will decide?

• gil - A posh name for divorce in which the grounds for separation relate to a so-called "sixty-nine" act performed by one of the partners with NOT the other partner (IYSWIM). Keen mathematicians will immediately perceive that 69 looks the same upside-down as right-way-up.

  As to termination, I agree, Raak. But, just as a final question, what's a Mornington Crescent?

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