The return of the facial nightwear game

Forget names, faces? Embarrassed by your poor command of English? Have you encountered a mysterious and possibly very rude phrase, but you're afraid to ask what it meant? This is the place for you. Leave such face pyjamas here, and let our panel of resident experts laugh at them.

• Wol - I interject with this irrelevance. I went to school in a tiny village north of York (near Castle Howard). The matron (she had a deputy who really was, as I recall, the product of mixing 1 part Hattie Jacques to two parts Nursie from Blackadder) had a magnificent, all-purpose, 'there-that'll-make-it-better-it's-only-a-graze/bruise/burn/headache-so-stop-fussing' medicinal cream specially made up by a pharmacist in Malton, nearby (God alone knows what went into it). The name of this panacea? Trinity Ointment. And as far as I recall, yes - it could be trusted to do the job ... I now return you to your normal programme
• Raak - Trinity Ointment might well do the job of Tricycle Ointment. The latter is a lubricating and emollifying material for smoothing the axle of the Three Great Turnings of the Wheel of the Dharma; put more prosaically, it is an anti-haemorrhoid cream for monks who must spend many hours sitting in meditation.

  Where might one see a Manchester Gallop?

• gil - Prefixing a Face Pyjama with the word Manchester traditionally coarsens the thing described. For example "I unscrewed it with a Manchester Spanner" means you used a Hammer. "I knocked it back into place with a Manchester Hammer" means you kicked it, and so on. So, a "Manchester Gallop" must mean one of those stumbling runs with random reels to one side or the other and frequent collisions with road furniture that are popularised by the consumers of Strong Drink.

  Portsmouth Kettle

• Bob the dog - The use of the word Portsmouth in a Face Pyjama is very similar to the use of the word Manchester above. It is used to describe something that is unutterably dull. Obviously a Portsmouth Kettle either needs a good polish or lacks charisma.
  
  But what are Budgerigar Trousers?
• Dujon - Ah ha! You have come to the right man for that information. Back in the Dark Ages, circa 1958, I was heavily involved in the breeding of those delightful little creatures - budgerigars, that is, not trousers. Actually I would have taken on trousers but, in those days, it was nearly impossible to get the zips mated. However, I digress.
  The main aim of breeders at that time was to produce a bird which would 'drop it's daks' only for the right mate; it was considered that this would enable the use of multi-species aviaries without the risk of any cross-breed infections. To this end many, many experiments were undertaken and, sadly, in the interest of science, many birds perished. Eventually, being a leading light in this field, I was successful - to a degree anyway. Regrettably, whilst the finished product looked fine and theoretically should have worked, it didn't. It turned out that the male budgies were only 'turned on' when the female produced with the new genes was deceased. So, effectively, the breed died out after only one generation. It became obvious that, instead of producing a budgies gene rouser, I had inadvertently come up with a budgie rigor rouser. This was a spectacular failure which, to my chagrin, has gone down in the annals of the bird breeding community as a 'cheap and seedy' endeavour. Unfortunately it was also picked up by the popular press (in particular the "Parrot Breeders' Bible.") So, with it's wide circulation - and numerous typographical errors - the term which they coined has now entered the common vernacular. I'm sure that most of you would know the phrase (although some are more protected than others) which both sexes use in the pub when a particularly attractive specimen of the opposite sex is sighted wearing a well fitting pair of jeans?
  Basically it means that s/he wouldn't be interested in you even if you were dead!

  Leaving wild life to itself these days I am now more involved in the 'meaning of everything'. So when I came across an articulated case the other day, I was rather intrigued. Something to do with the law? A strange and mobile computer container? The title of a detective novel? Anybody know?

• Raak - This is a doctor's discreet euphemism, when speaking in front of the patient, to signify that the patient has a screw loose, is unhinged, a leg short of a trivet, etc.

  Speaking of trivets, or perhaps not, what is a trivet screw? I don't see it listed in Machinery's Handbook.

• gil - Ah! I think you'll find that should be T-rivet screw, and it's under Screws, Rivet, T-section in most catalogues, but don't ask what they're for. However, as a face pyjama, it carries the connotation of a rather unconventional coupling of human animals of either or both sexes usually in threes, but sometimes in ambitious pairs. I am unwilling to describe the configuration here, but Google should point you to an explicit How-To website.

  Soap Sausage

• Angus Prune - Soap Sausage is anything served up for a meal in any particular popular evening television show. These delicacies serve 3 purposes.
  1) To provide something to be thrown in an argument
  2) To be a backdrop for a date that doesn't happen(ie, dater spends hours preparing said meal for datee, burning the house down in the process, or at least causing GBH to some poor passer by), and
  3) To be on a fork midway between plate and mouth when the argument in scenario 1) breaks out in a public place.
  
  Speaking of trouble, what is a Speke Lexden?
• Dujon - Ah, my dear, you are showing your age. A Speke Lexden is simply a dictionary (including pronunctiations) of "modern" English - i.e. as it is spoke.

  I was glancing through one of my wife's specialist magazines the other week and came across the term tipple peak. To be honest I'm not sure whether I mis-read the words but, if not, can anyone help?

• Angus Prune - You read correctly. I assume this is latest edition of 'Hot Toddy Monthly', the magazine for liqueur coffee connoiseurs. The tipple peak is the small bit of cream on the top of, say, an Irish Cream that ends up on your nose if you glug it down.
  
  Now that you are enlightened, can anyone tell me the purpose of Kemsing Ringers?
• The Truth - hahahahahahahahahaha this is so crap
• The Truth - james is so stupid someone threw a petrol bomb at him and he drank it.
• Bob the dog - Ah a prime example of a Mornington Wassak. Which brings me on to Kemsing Ringers. Basically it refers to anyone who looks like Albert Kemsing (ie 7 foot 2, bald, jug-eared and a tatoo of an armadillo on his chin).
  
  But what is a Christmas Dixon?
• Raak - Christmas Dixons are policement on the beat during the shopping season trying to look friendly and avuncular, like the eponymous copper of Dock Green. This is a rather difficult act to pull off nowadays, when they go clad in bullet-proof vests and fluorescent yellow overcoats, with side-handled telescopic truncheons and rigid handcuffs stuffed into their belts.

  Would one go to the other Dixons for Purple Headphones?

• Angus Prune - Certainly not! I think you'd be likely to get slapped should you dare ask for such a thing! Let's just say you'd be more likely to find that sort of, erm, 'entertainment' in, say, Soho or Montmartre or 5 Bradley Road, Peterborough. (Just say Angus sent you...).
  Now that I've tipped you off, what is the purpose of an Easter Staverley?
• Poisoned Pigeon - That's an ancient religion. Devotees turn their back on Mecca, whistle three times and pray to their cooking pots. Of course with the advent of modern gas stoves, this particular cult has fallen into decline. I came across a reference to a Hogsbotham in a book I'm reading, but can't for the life of me work out what it is. Can anybody help?
• Raak - Literally a hogshead's bottom, this means something similar to the modern expression "scraping the bottom of the barrel". A hogsbotham is something so produced.

  Perhaps we have reached the hogsbotham of this game? Perhaps the definition of Inverted Nuptials will decide?

• gil - A posh name for divorce in which the grounds for separation relate to a so-called "sixty-nine" act performed by one of the partners with NOT the other partner (IYSWIM). Keen mathematicians will immediately perceive that 69 looks the same upside-down as right-way-up.

  As to termination, I agree, Raak. But, just as a final question, what's a Mornington Crescent?

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This is the end of the line. There is no more.