It's at times like this I wish I had listened to what my mother told me.
And so it begins...
ImNotJohn - Rise and Shine, Morning's fine, Sun's shining bright enough to burn your bleeding eyes out.
What my father might have said on a morning like this cfm - If you need something done, ask a busy person.
Raak - It's a knack.
My mother's universal explanation of how to perform any physical skill. Simons Mith - A stitch in time saves nine going in through one ear and out the other like water off a duck's back.
Raak - It'll stay like that!
A warning against the dreadful dangers of pulling faces. cfm - You are
not going out of the house wearing that!
irach - If you don't watch out and spit it out, you'll swallow that seed, and don't you come complaining to me when there's an orange tree growing out of your tummy.
Uncle Korky - Go and take a long walk off a short pier.
Raak - Shh....the cat's peeing.
According to my father, something his father would say during a lull in the converation. Phil - There's no point sinking the ship for a ha'porth of tar.
One of my dad's irach - What is thunder?...that's just God rearranging his furniture up there; He's pushing His sea chest to the other side of Heaven.
flerdle - What do you think this is, bush week?
cfm - Somebody's going to wind up crying.
flerdle - I'm making a wing-wong for a goose's bridle.
In answer to "What are you doing, Mummy?" flerdle -
[irach, seeds] It was watermelon pips, here. Raak - You must have been born in a field!
Said when one left the door of a room open. Phil - [Raak]
"...in a barn" in our family Shurrup or I'll bash your face in
- a favourite of my mother's. jim - Come on, you could get a tank through there!
A favourite of my dad's when somebody in front wasn't quick enough moving into a gap in traffic. Thing is, he used to work for the MOD on Salisbury Plain, so he'd know ... Uncle Korky - I could do that
quoth my Dad whenever a snooker player on TV missed a shot. ImNotJohn - Just taking seamanlike precautions.
(Mrs INJ's dad when going to the loo before going out - and yes, he was a sailor) irach - You'd better brush those teeth, and make them clean and shiny, or else the tooth fairy won't leave you anything for them when they fall out.
cfm - Wear it (them) in good health.
(Accompanied each gift of clothing or jewelry) CdM -
This was in one of Max Boyce's routines, but I always liked it Fine! Go play your stupid rugby. But if you break both your legs, don't come running home to me.
irach - If you pick your nose any more, you'll strike oil.
Raak - Come on, you could drive a bus up here!
My father, urging me to climb up a steep hill behind him. Software - If you do that again I'll make you smile on the other side of your face.
My mother's favourite preparation for a sharp slap. Phil - Der landschaft ist mit schnee bedeckt!
My mother, whenever it snows overnight. She claims it's the only thing she remembers from one year of German lessons at school (in about 1948) Darren -
In response to a burp:Pardon me for being rude
It was not me, it was my food
It just popped up to say hello
And now it's gone back down below.
cfm - Don't make me come in there...
CdM - Aye, and when tha's finished peeling potaytoes, tha can peel t' bloody peel.
For some reason my Welsh father always delivered that one in a Yorkshire accent Phil - An
other lovely day!
Another one of my mum's, after a woman she knew who had moved to India, in the 1960s, with her husband who had been posted there with work. After about 6 weeks in India, the servants opened the shutters one morning and she declared the astonished line above. Hence my mum uses it whenever there is a spell of 3 or 4 days of blue sky in a row. cfm - You're just like your mother!
My father, to my brother, subtly implying that cfm was more like himself, of course. Software - Laughing leads to crying.
My late mum in law's favourite. Phil - It's all coming back to me now, as the boy scout said when the wind changed.
cfm - Sneeze of the truth.
Raak - Better out than in.
Phil - There's enough blue sky to make a pair of trousers for a sailor.
A very optimistic view of a tiny break in the cloud cover (generally during family holidays in North Wales) Raak - It's all a matter of taste, as the man said when he kissed the cow.
A favorite of my father's. I later discovered that it can be found in Don Quixote. Software - It's cold enough for a fur-lined walking stick.
My late dad's winter comment. ImNotJohn - It'll all end in sick and tears.
One of Mrs INJ's favourites, but originally from her mother - generally about a film or TV programme. ImNotJohn - ......s! I've shot 'em
(one of my father's when he came across any particularly shoddy piece of work or poor service; as in 'Cooks! I've shot 'em'. Rosie - You won't die!
(mother, in response to a variety of mild childhood traumas). OK so far. Uncle Korky -
I'll go and jump in the clock! -
apparently a favourite from my late paternal grandmother, and, no, my Dad doesn't know what she was getting at either Software - ... and one for aunt Aggie.
My mother adding spoons of tea to the pot, though I don't remember any aunt with that name. Boolbar - Pull my finger!
Thanks Dad! Phil -
Quis!, my dad would should with his hands behind his back. The first son (of 3) to shout "Ego!" would get the treat - chocolate, sweets etc.
Rosie - Keep that. Come in 'andy even if you
never use it.
(Work colleague/technician/jack of all trades). Projoy - Arsenal!
my dad, whenever anyone sneezed, in tribute to Eric 'n' Ernie Projoy - What a der-brain! (Sung to the tune of the Hallelujah chorus)
My dad again, prior to contemporary theories on raisinf kids' self-esteem Phil - [Projoy] Well if we're bringing out child abuse, I used to get called
"You silly, twisted boy" (a Grytpype-Thynne line, I believe) by my dad, and my mum's go-to threat to make me behave was
"I'll bash your face in", which I've discovered works on my own children (the empty threat, that is) :-)
Chalky -
Only boring people get bored Still wonder about the veracity of that one .. I have been known to say it to my own daughters Raak -
Sowing plums to catch medlars, which I haven't heard myself, but I've heard of it being used as a reply to "What are you doing, mummy?"
ImNotJohn -
C F F T B Short for 'Chock full fit to bust' after a particularly large meal.
Raak - [INJ] Or in my family,
fair boakin' fu'.
Rosie -
Penolopy jolly This means
bottom, backside, arse, bum, derrière etc. and is derived from the Welsh
pen ðl (same meaning) and the fact that my mother had had a friend at school called Penelope Jolly. The
jolly was optional and sometimes Mum used simply the Welsh term on its own. Thus;
"Oh, did you hurt your penolopy?" We had a number of these Welsh-derived words at home. This one was in frequent use but is untransferable, you could say.
(INJ) In our family it was just the last three letters, which my mother would half-heartedly claim meant "Full to the brim". Such a lady!
Phil -
F H B - is what my dad would say at the dinner table if we had guests. It's short for "Family hold back" and was the instruction to allow the guests to help themselves to vegetables, gravy etc first. I seem to remember him explaining that it's what his own Da used to say, and so I've tried to get my own children to use it too.
Kim -
"Sufficient unto the day thereof" is what my paternal grandmother used to say when she'd had enough to eat, misquoting Matthew 6:34.
gil -
You'd make a better door than a window. said when one was between parent and what they wanted to look at.
An overhang from wartime, when someone was going out, my mother (or her sister) would call Don't forget your gas mask! Oh! I see you're wearing it.
Wood! meaning "shut the door" - (short form of "Oi! Put that piece of wood in the hole in the wall")
nights - On a similar theme,
CLICK! whenever someone forgot to switch off a light. Generally me.
Phil -
S'nuff ter blaah yer lugs off My mum, a Geordie, uses this when it's rather windy. As a result, so do I. penelope -
"You don't want to go stuffing your face with food every five-and-twenty minutes!" said to my teenaged or 20-something father and and a small bunch of his mates after they'd spent a very long time - possibly a day and half a night - on some hunting/shooting/fishing mission, which involved some mishap of getting lost. On returning to civilisation they were hungry, but whoever it was they had arranged to meet that evening had been well-fed that day and didn't feel the need to dine. It was repeated by my late Daddy whenever we complained about being hungry.
cfm -
She's some kinda lady. Delivered derisively to mean quite the opposite after Mom had witnessed something very unlady-like indeed. :-) gil - If a light was left on...
"It's like Blackpool illuminations in here!" I don't think she ever visited Blackpool.
Software -
She's all kippers and curtains. My mother on somebody with social pretensions.
Phil - I seem to remember my dad referring to large whiskers (aka "Mutton Chop") as "
Bugger's Grips". It was only when I used the phrase out loud, in my thirties, that it dawned on me what it meant.
nights - Not mine, but has anyone seen Russell Howard on his parent's metaphors for someone's sexual proclivities?
He likes to keep a skipping rope in the glovebox! Phil - [nights] I introduced my kids to "Total Recall" (the 1990 version) last night. There was a real struggle to stifle sniggers, in unison, by all three of us, when Arnie says,
"All my life, I worked for Mars Intelligence, I did Cohaagen's dirty work. But then I met someone, a woman. She taught me a few things, like I was playing for the wrong team." Our household thrives on innuendo :-)
cfm -
Many hands make light work. Software -
The Devil finds work for idle hands. My paternal grandmother who worked all her life running a guest house.
Botherer -
It's not the cough that carries you off
It's the coffin they carry you off in.No, I've still no idea what it means.
Raak - [Botherer] My father said that as well, and I've met other people who recognised it. Google has "about 57,000" hits for the complete saying in quotes (but only "about 13,200" without quotes).
Phil - My parents and wife have all used that one.
Pablo -
I think he's studying to be an idiot. Said by father about any school-aged person he thought was a twat.
Raak - Is anyone still listening?
Phil -
I heard that, pardon - as my parents used to say, which I've just googled to discover it's from "I Didn't Know You Cared", which I didn't know was written by Peter Tinniswood.
[Raak] I don't think so, TBH.
- Audience - *shouts, screams, generally goes wild for Raak*
This is the end of the line. There is no more.