It's eerily quiet here at Bethnal Green. Too quiet.

Last night I trawled Kings Cross but found few birds, though there was a fair number of transvestites. I have now returned to see if my night glasses will help ... hang on a bit there's something ahead of me with its head stuck in the sand ... could it be? might it be? ... Damn, it's just my local M.P.

CHarging up the ACME Ostrich Finder at the terminus at Euston Road, and looking very very threatening.

All very quiet at Amersham, looks like the trail has gone cold.

I've found some droppings at Acton Town. I'm beginning to regret not bringing gloves.

As no-one has joined my team, I am throwing in my lot with the Red team and will make my way to Archway, where I expect to pick up a distinct whiff.

Peeeeyewww!