Is everyone here for the editorial meeting? Ok, good. Heavy news week this week, so only the best stories are going to get space. We'll start with Cheddar Headlines. Ten words max, and the headline can be self-explanatory as in 'The Independent', or horrendously convoluted, as in, erm, The Cheesy Headline Game. Once the headline is finished, I'd like a few words containing the story in a news style, please. Subs, clear your desks, and let's get the presses rolling. Spike it once we reach the usual back page move.
Following the recent terrorist attacks against bathroom installations, engineers responsible for dealing with sewerage have unanimously elected to crap themselves against union rules. "I know the regulations stipulate that we should crap into the toilets, but since the toilets have started blowing up, we've decided it's much safer to crap into our own pants."
A government spokesman responded, "We understand the workers' concerns, but we do not believe the pants are able to take this much load, and intend to launch a full public enquiry into their contents."
Full-colour pictures on pages 10, 12-15 and 30-105. Ask your newsagent for your free Scratch-n-Sniff card!