Is everyone here for the editorial meeting? Ok, good. Heavy news week this week, so only the best stories are going to get space. We'll start with Cheddar Headlines. Ten words max, and the headline can be self-explanatory as in 'The Independent', or horrendously convoluted, as in, erm, The Cheesy Headline Game. Once the headline is finished, I'd like a few words containing the story in a news style, please. Subs, clear your desks, and let's get the presses rolling. Spike it once we reach the usual back page move.
A destructive rampage by guests at former Dollar lead singer David Van Day's low-budget hotel has resulted in the discovery of a previously unknown album by 1970s prog rock band Gong. Van Day has so far made no statement to the press, although the guests (including Gong founder Daevid Allen) have claimed that they were attempting to highlight the poor quality of decor at the lodging house. The album was found when floorboards were prised up by Allen. "It was being guarded by pixies," he said later, "and they told me its name. It can't be pronounced by humans, though, so I just call it Damp Feet Expressway."
The Rev. Andrew Throbbing astonished worshippers at St. Vitus Parish Church last Sunday when he stopped midway through his sermon, jumped off the pulpit and stripped naked. Grabbing a nearby candlestick he proceeded to hit himself repeatedly on the head while shouting out "Pulsate no more! I will pulsate no more!" "It was amazing" exclaimed long-time parishioner Marjorie Smith, 85, "I never thought he had so much hair on his chest." The other member of the congregation, Marjorie's nephew Peter, 7, said "Better than Tellytubbies!" Throbbing was later escorted to a waiting ambulance and whisked off to a local nursing home.
The Serbian and Croatian Legislatures, in a rare act of cooperation, have simultaneously and unanimously passed new legislation banning TV in cars as part of a broader campaign to curb all types of pollution affecting Serbian and Croatian children. "The proliferation of programs such as Sponge Bob Square Pants and The Simpsons on TV has led to the mental pollution of our nations' youth" commmented Irma Veriprim-Prudic, Speaker of the Serbian House, in Belgrade. "It is enough that our children watch these shows at home; we don't want them to suffer even more mental assaults by watching TV in cars while being driven to and from school, or while stuck in traffic jams", she added.
A startling turn of events led to the collapse yesterday of Faria the Foxhound, on the stage at the annual convention of Canines without Borders, being held at the Hydrant Hotel. Faria, President of the organization, who was voted Top Dog at last year's convention, was apparently very alarmed to hear the statistics on the global feline population explosion presented by conventioneer Salma Saluki. In his comments following Saluki's presentation, Faria commented, "Make no bones about it, these felines threaten us and are the bane of our existence! What is more, they think they're the cat's meow. And what is even worse, we don't have the necessary funds in our kitty to combat this global menace. No, I'm not barking up the wrong tree by thinking so. This is no time for us to pussyfoot around the issue!". Faria got so worked up that he finally fainted from the stress. He was revived and helped to his paws by convention delegates Carlos Chihuahua and Boris Borzoi.
Women have been mincing around in his hot couture heels since the '70s, but it wasn't until the '90s that Manolo Blahnik really hit his stride, thanks in part to "Sex and the City" and Sarah Jessica Parker's shoe-obsessed character. A contemporary of Andy Warhol, Blahnik was happy to send his best wishes along with a shoe drawing for the auction at the Andy Warhol Museum's 10th Anniversary Party Saturday, April 9th at the South Side Works. The dinner is sold out, but tickets to the dance party starting at 9 p.m. are still available. (true story!)
The Walt Disney corporation has revealed that the plot for 'The Incredibles' was based on a real story. A family with amazing powers did in fact save virtually the entire planet from destruction before retreating back into obscurity. The real-life culminating battle resulted in the laying waste and destruction of a large portion of a town centre. However as the real town concerned was Slough in Berkshire, no-one actually noticed.
The notorious and inane booty hunter, Mr. Serge Wigglinbotham, has finally uncovered evidence to suggest that the buttocks of famous actress and pop star Jennifer Tropez are indeed (as many have suspected) false. Rooting around in a discarded suitcase he found in a garbage dumpster within the actress' sprawling Florida estate, Serge discovered the suitcase had a false bottom. Within that fake interior he found a discarded pair of women's underwear with built-in padding, mimicking grossly enlarged glutei maximi. Wigglinbotham reported his scoop in an interview and picture spread featured in this week's tabloid rag, The Exploiter.
John Travolta, the aging darling of the silver screen, is currently filming a new musical in Australia based on the traditional Aussie song "Waltzing Matilda". However, the star refused to strut his stuff in front of the camera until he received fresh crisp white pants from the wardrobe department. "You can't expect me to troll around the set in these tramps trousers," he fumed, "what'll do to my image?" The film is though to be somewhat stilted by this demand from the leading man. The film's producer, who prefered to remain anonymous, said: "One just can't imagine a swagman strolling through the bush dressed like a 1920's tennis player, but, hell, its only a movie." Travolta is 51.
Woman Finds Vision Of Jesus On Meat Pie Anchorage, Alaska -- Bidding is now over $700 for a pie that some say has a vision of Jesus Christ on it. The Jones family that owns it says they found it on Easter and it was too good to eat, so they put the blessed pastry in a shrine in there garage bult specially for it. During an interview with Mrs. jones the facts are revealed: “ well it was Easter morning and I was flipping pastries john was at the table, and after flipping the pasrty I saw that it was burnt in the shape of a face, so I screamed and my husband jumped up and said its jesus in our frying pan! We were so glad to have received such a revalation that we walked through our neiboorhood visiting every house and letting them see our divine pastery. Its been three weeks since the incident and we still have it , jesus is starting to mould but we don’t think it right to desecrate the face of god”that concludes the news flash for today tune in next time for U.S nightly news.