Is everyone here for the editorial meeting? Ok, good. Heavy news week this week, so only the best stories are going to get space. We'll start with Cheddar Headlines. Ten words max, and the headline can be self-explanatory as in 'The Independent', or horrendously convoluted, as in, erm, The Cheesy Headline Game. Once the headline is finished, I'd like a few words containing the story in a news style, please. Subs, clear your desks, and let's get the presses rolling. Spike it once we reach the usual back page move.
A destructive rampage by guests at former Dollar lead singer David Van Day's low-budget hotel has resulted in the discovery of a previously unknown album by 1970s prog rock band Gong. Van Day has so far made no statement to the press, although the guests (including Gong founder Daevid Allen) have claimed that they were attempting to highlight the poor quality of decor at the lodging house. The album was found when floorboards were prised up by Allen. "It was being guarded by pixies," he said later, "and they told me its name. It can't be pronounced by humans, though, so I just call it Damp Feet Expressway."
The Rev. Andrew Throbbing astonished worshippers at St. Vitus Parish Church last Sunday when he stopped midway through his sermon, jumped off the pulpit and stripped naked. Grabbing a nearby candlestick he proceeded to hit himself repeatedly on the head while shouting out "Pulsate no more! I will pulsate no more!" "It was amazing" exclaimed long-time parishioner Marjorie Smith, 85, "I never thought he had so much hair on his chest." The other member of the congregation, Marjorie's nephew Peter, 7, said "Better than Tellytubbies!" Throbbing was later escorted to a waiting ambulance and whisked off to a local nursing home.