We have just been informed that there is a suicide bomber on board, so to protect people on the ground we will shortly be diverting into the side of a mountain. Fear not, for God will know his own.
Ladies and Gentleman in the First Class Cabin. We regret to announce that, due to an error by our ground catering staff, we failed to load our stocks of the Dom Perignon 1996, and will instead be forced to serve the 1995 vintage.
Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your Captain speaking. Please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until we're at the gate. And welcome to Indianapolis... Oops! Was this supposed to be the flight to Chicago?
Arr! This be Talk Like A Pirate Day, it be! Now landlubbers, see ye watch the cabin boys as they show ye the safety drill, case we be shipwrecked! Arr!
And now a request from Dave and Renee, who are celebrating their fortieth anniversary today. Shortly I'll play "Save Your Love", but first... all together now... For they are jolly good fellows...
Ladies and gentlemen, contrary to what it says in your inflight magazine, you won't be able to have your palm and tarot read or your horoscope calcuated by our normal onboard seer. Unfortunately, she decided not to come on the flight today.
Welcome aboard flight SOS13 on Macbeth Airlines, we'll be cruising at an altitude of approximately 13,013 feet and our journey will take us safely under the famous "ladder" cloud formation just north of Bermuda. We're afraid there's no salt left on board as it was all spilt on takeoff when we swerved to avoid that black cat on the runway. Shortly our cabin crew will begin demonstrating our new range of Macbeth Airlines souvenirs, including our ever popular umbrellas. I'm flight commander James "Lucky" McDeath, wishing you a pleasant and comfortable flight. [Projoy] That's gooood :)
The bad news is we've almost run out of jet fuel. The good news is that our pilot Captain Mahoney started out his career by flying test gliders for the RAF.
"This is your captain speaking. Are you prepared for an event one does not witness everyday ladies and gentlemen? If you would each maueuver so you can look sharply out the windows to the west there can shortly be seen a trio of airforce jet fighters scrambling to greet us."
Ladies and Gentlemen, we would like to welcome you aboard our non-stop flight to Los Angeles. Our flying time tonight is scheduled to be 13 hours and 26 minutes. And I would like to extend a special welcome to all of those families traveling to the Third Annual Chronic Infant Colic and Earache Convention...