mc5 - Cleri Who's Who

Was nobody's hero.

Sir Alec Guinness

Had bones of a most extraordinary thinness

This caused problems while playing Obi Wan Kenobi

And which is why the lost the role of Genghis Khan to a horribly miscast John Wayne in "The Conqueror", to lead a horde of Mongols across the barren Gobi.

Geoffrey Chaucer

Liked to sip his tea not from a cup, but a saucer

He liked to write in English about ordinary folk

While eating omelets made without the yolk

Mr. T

"I pity the fool," says he

He's reformed and divested himself of heavy gold chains

Uncle Korky

But you still won't get him on aeroplanes.

Sean Bean

Could never be a drag queen

He played Boromir in Lord of the Rings

Botherer

The only semi-convincing performance he's managed in a role that was just one of many, the others largely disappointing things.

Don Rumsfeld

Needs his bumps felt

After being called "incompetent strategically, operationally and tactically"

Politically he's dead, practically.

Shad'wy Fig're

Nancy Pelosi

Has never met even a single solitary one of America's many Mafiosi

But Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin

Were claimed to be so close to Carlo Gambino as to frequently hear him fartin' (Sorry,....coat!)

Gary Gygax

Gets +1 to all his attacks

His Vorpal Sword

Gives him that reward

John Stonehouse

Had no nous

He failed to realise that just leaving a pile of clothes on a beach

Would not necessarily convince the Director of Public Prosecutions that he had succumbed to a watery grave and was consequently out reach.

Rolf Harris

Once painted Niles Crane's first wife Maris

Probably a more significant sitter for the bearded Oz was Queen Elizabeth the Second

Who was hoping she'd be depicted as a kangaroo more than Rolf reckoned

Steve Irwin

Often dangled raw meat in front of crocodiles whose dinner he was servin'

His boldness was his demise

Dujon

Said Germain Greer who was ever so sad that she had no chance to say her goodbyes

Shad'wy Fig're

Ricky Ponting

Whose captaincy in the last Ashes series was found wanting

Relied heavilly on Shane Warne

But for whose contribution Australian hopes would have been folorn.

Alan Rickman

Has never had a suntan

But could he be a lovey, having trod the boards at the RSC?

That may be true, but his best work is on film, if you ask me.

John Barrowman

Is not portly; nor is he a slender narrow man

Seems to have a predilection for science fiction

In which he has a glamorous depiction

Nouri Kamal Al-Maliki

Heads a government that's cliquey

When shove comes to push

He wants rid of Bush as expected, Raak?

Link, frequent rescuer of Princess Zelda,

Actually plotted her abductions, so he could have an excuse for jumping into the fray each time, and to have held her

nice

Like your local bobby

It's done as a hobby quickly moving on ...

Paul Merton (Softers) Exactly as I had hoped. :-)

Paul Merton Try again

Is often certain

But his guest

He sometimes views as a pest

Matt Lucas

Can find comedy in the darnedest things, like the North Korean leader's threats to nuke us

But on the other hand his partner-in-crime David Walliams

Is basically a persistent depressive and is hooked on the Valiums.

Puckoon

Spike Milligan

Was mad, and shot flowers with a lily gun

StormWraith

But his radio, poetry and books

Are all worth second looks

Armando Iannucci

Can afford Gucci

He's even had his own television and radio shows

Sir Joseph Bazalgette

but where the humour was, nobody knows

The Editor of the News of the World

Spent £95 having his hair curled

However, the present holder of this post

Still publishes far more bollocks than most That was hard

Dame Judi Dench (Softers) I cocked up on the 3rd line, thinking that the Ed. was the abysmal Rebekah Wade

A very British wench

Zarbenia

Until she got stuck in the water closet

CdM

-- Now that wasn't a very nice thing to mention, was it?

Helen Mirren

His in Austrilian mite called Dirren [Softers] Another nice easy rhyme [all Australian Crescenters] apologies

And all the corks dangling from his hat

Showed he was a bit of a twat. Further apologies.

Shilpa Shetty

Robin

Found the behaviour of her fellow contestants rather petty

Particularly that of the rather ugly and overweight "celebrity" Jade Goody

But the boss of Channel 4 wouldn't condemn it, would 'e?

Richard Harris

Left his cake out in the rain, but him it did not seem to embarrass

Robin

When acting, he used to ham a lot

And when shooting the movie musical about the Arthurian legend he was known to shout "Damn!" a lot

Barack Obama - careful now

According to certain rumour-mongerers is a radical Muslim just like Osama

The Democratic party is divided about his suitability as the Presidential candidate

But most of the rest of the country is piqued by the possibility of a leader who actually can orate

D'ye ken John Reid?

CdM

Aye, indeed!

some say he has accepted the poisoned chalice

Others detect a degree of malice.

Lord Michael Levy

Founded the label Magnet Records which featured many recording artists, but never ever the Wonder man, Stevie

This avails him naught

'Cos the bugger's been caught

The accused, Anthony Charles Lynton Blair

Obviously does not give a care

That he sometimes appears to be George Walker Bush's eager lap dog

And at other times appears to be wandering in the fog.

King John That last one was a bit earnest, wasn't it?

Everything he did went wrong

Whereas the Abbott of Canterbury

Didn't even make it into Wiki, in fact I think irach made him up...

[IS,P]- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Abbot_(Archbishop_of_Canterbury)

[irach] oops. sorry.

Lou Costello

Was not always a likeable fellow

Whereas Bud ~~Archbish~~ Abbott

Had many a bad habit

Bob Dylan

In 1988 recorded a Woody Guthrie ballad immortalising the life of crime of "Pretty Boy" Floyd, a Depression-era bank robber and villain

He played the guitar

And the harmonica(r)

Bonnie and Clyde

Died

While Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

blamelewis

also did.

Major Major Major Major

Fecked off with Yossarian's pager

While Nurse Duckett

Phil

Was the under-age inamorata alluded to by Gary Puckett

Dudley Moore

Phwooar!

Five foot two inches of pure man

And as such many starlets of him became a fan

Peter Cook

Was a founder and contributor to Private Eye and once even wrote a book

He also liked the occasional drink

Better than ink

Ian Hislop

Not much cop

Still, he is the editor of Private Eye

Which must never die.

Anna Nicole Smith

Will become an urban myth

Like many of her peers, she had a romance with silicone

Uncle Korky

And she remains newsworthy, even though she's dead and gone

nights

Captain Sisko

Uncle Korky

Had allllll the right moves, and was always a big hit down the disco

What's more, ever since his wife died

He wakes up with stabbing pains down his right side
Sorry, there just don't seem to be enough Trekkies around, so trying to unblock the game

Sir Launcelot

Was famous for using his lance a lot

But Guinevere

In the company of Lancelot's lance was known to delightfully quiver

Richard Stilgoe

Used to have a stilted show

He played his piano while standing on tall stilts

At which one's will to live wilts.

Gordon Brown, texture like sun, lays me down with my mind he runs throughout the night no need to fight...

Perpetual frown (ISP) Can you get me some of the stuff you're on?

David Cameron

Kim

Does yammer on.

Gordon Brown, finer temptress, through the ages, he's heading west. From far away, stays for a day, never a frown, with Gordon Brown

nfras

Is the MP for what was my home town.

Whereas Robin Cook

Could easily be mistaken for a crook

Stephen Fry

Thinks he is wry

Alan Davies

Doesn't understand the ravies.

Hugh Laurie

Never had a starring role in Corrie

But playing Lord Peter Wimsey

Is, as a claim to having played a great rôle, rather flimsy.

[Softers] When was that, then? I'd like to see that.

William Shakespeare

Addressed many of his sonnets to a young man, the "Fair Youth" who Willy apparently homoerotically held as dear

Whereas Keats

Wrote letters that covered many sheets See for yourself, ISP: Jeeves and Wooster.

Line of verse:

[Softers] I've got that DVD set (Excellent) but cannot see Lord Peter Wimsey anywhere. Are you confusing him with Bertie Wooster?

After all, one is a character in humorous P.G. Wodehouse novels, the other is a Dorothy L. Sayers detective so it's an easy mistake to make.

Hercule Poirot

Never knew when to say "no"

Whereas his sidekick Captain Arthur Hastings

Spends more time at wine tastings ISP - Ahhh!...

[ISP] Somewhere on the web there's a crossover story involving Bertie Wooster the amateur cracksman and Lord Peter Wimsey.

[Raak] Any clues? All I can find is Raffles the amateur cracksman.

Georges Seurat

[ISP] Here it is.

Un broad brush n'utilisait pas

Il a préféré des dots.

Bum. Let's tidy this up...

Projoy - Georges Seurat
Raak - Un broad brush n'utilisait pas
Darren - Il a préféré des points

Quant à ses admiratrices, they went "Mwa".

Matisse

Egalement, il était impressionniste

comme Mike Yarwood

Whose soul, like Matisse's, has now gone starward

Geoffrey Chaucer

Few were coarser

But his characters were true to life

Though it's unclear whether any were based on his wife

Garibaldi

Famous for both biscuits and perhaps less importantly, the reunification of Italy

Was abducted by Shadows

Then Hank Marvin presented him to the Pope as one of many cadeaux[Raak] Do you have to go out of your way to find words with no rhymes, or is it a gift?

Graham III

Margaret Beckett

Is known to yell "Feck it!"

While Donald Duck

Says something altogether different

Mickey Mouse

Has much nous

Goofy, however presented as a candidate for feedline of the month

Was very far from clever [ISP] thanks

The new Justice Ministry (departing, for a moment, from human subjects)

Is a little bit sinistery and from words with rhymes. I dunno, man of your calibre.

But the Home Office, however

Is a fundamentally oppressive endeavour

America's "Department of Homeland Defense"

Must cost a few cents

While the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms

Relies on congressional alms

Morgan Tsvangirai

Has one hell of a black eye

Even for an African, if the frivolity may be pardoned

Though after so many years of Mugabe, his physique may have hardened

Robert 'Honest Bob' Mugabe

I always at The Derby

Pisspots! For "I" read "Is".

With Zimbabwe's rate of inflation, he looses less with every race

But don't tell him that to his face.

gil

Ronnie Corbett

Should be sent into orbit

- Just my little joke

Well, he is a little bloke

Judas Iscariot

Had such a burden of guilt that he could barely carry it

Borges wrote a story in which Judas was the Saviour
How else to explain such odd behaviour?
(Apols for taking two lines, but they came to me fully formed.)

The great prophet, peace be upon him

Phil

Surrounded in the heavens, by cherubim and seraphim

Must be pissed off at what those fundamentalists are up to

And, consoling himself in drink, found that one was insufficient, so supped two.

John Cleese