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Cleri Who's Who
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Four lines rhyming AABB - scansion, rhythm, metre and all that malarkey is as random as-u-like. Oh yes - the featured subject, usually a person, is mentioned in the first line.
Here's a full and frank(ly better) intro by Thos along with some that were made earlier.
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Whilst Brutus
Threatened to shoot us
Nefertiti
Was a bit of a sweety
But what she thought of King Tut
Would have to be editorially cut
Karl Friedrich Gauss
Wrote most of his mathematical formulae on cocktail napkins at his local Bierhaus
However, it is not known if he had a magnetic personality
But he certainly had German nationality.
Jerry Lee Lewis
Never met Peter Brewis
While Dean(and Steve)Martin
Were found dead with a carton.
Brian Perkins
Amassed a vast collection of blond and brunette merkins
While on the other hand, the lovely Charlotte Brown
Would not, despite her alleged horniness, on someone who thus misnamed her, go down.
Peter André
Does his landré
In a place so very large
It resembles a theatre stage rather than un cage
Jaap de Hoop Scheffer
Being Dutch, loves the Fresian heffer
The heifer is not amused
Although, admittedly, somewhat confused
Pete Tong
Has not been around that long
Not everyone's name has passed into Cockney rhyming slang
Not even The Emperor Wang.
Pele
Was never involved in a goalmouth mêlée
Unlike Bobby Tambling
Who, as a Jehovah's Witness, preached in the goalmouth and was oft accused of rambling
Lord Reith (Softers) Yeah, nobody's perfect, but 200 goals will do me nicely.
The first director of the BBC who ruled it like a feudal chief [Rosie] Yes, despite what some people think, football is not a religion.
Determined to inform, educate and entertain
The way it is now would have driven him insane.
Ronan O'Rahilly
Always signs his e-mails with a smiley
Quite unlike Ronan Tynan
Who sends emails without signin'.
Yanni
Probably does not speak Azerbaijani
Which may have helped his defence when accused of domestic battery by his his girlfriend, Silvia Barthes
He wouldn't have done anything to harm his hands, his lawyer says
W. G. Grace
Had a hairy face
But what was really weird
Is that he wore a false beard
Ernest Hemingway
Never wrote a play
Except in Key West
A place most detest.
Steve Punt
****!
Hails from Hackney Wick
D***
Armando Iannucci
A Glaswegian Italian, though never wears Gucci
When he is reminded of the Friday Night Armistice
Dithers around like a Useless Eustace
Dylan Moran
Was wonderful in Black books, but opinion is divided about his lead in the forthcoming Ken Loach production of Desperate Dan
Despite his fame, the English-speaking world is divided on which syllable of his surname should be stressed;
Which leaves me, for one, impressed
Rasputin
Is surrounded by many myths which I'm glad to be refutin'
Among which is his stated power over the late Tsarina
Which gave him unbridled access to her vagina. Latin pronuciation invoked.
Graham Dott
Not a ball he can't pot
But is he anything of a looker?
Not important if he can play snooker Invoking Lancashire accent
Snoop Doggy Dog
Keeps the pro-censorship lobby agog
Whereas Pam Ayres
Writes poems about which nobody really cares Nice lady, really
Charles Clarke
Enjoys releasing prisoners for a lark
Which, I suppose is fine...
If they commit no further crime
Sergio Leone
Has been unfairly characterised as a one-trick pony
In fact he had no tricks at all
Like Paul Daniels, who's small.
Jeff Daniels
Buys a lot of electrical goods but never reads the manuals
Whereas George Clooney
Is as likely to play in the World Cup as Wayne Rooney
Isaac Asimov
Though that most science fiction critics just tried to pass 'im off
In fact, they loved him (at least posthumously)
And now he is hailed almost unanoomously. mercy killing
Arthur C Clarke
Doubted the very existence of a quark
He believed the true nature of subatomic particles would be forever unexplained
(At least until God had been named)
John Wyndham
Was distraught when he wrote stories and others binned 'em
The Midwich Cuckoo did not suffer this fate
Nor did The Day of the Triffids, which was great.
James Tiptree, Junior
Wrote her books with a pen made from a petunia
Thus did her career flower
Although her act of killing her husband, and then shooting herself made some of her loyal readers really cower.
Barry Cryer
Could have joined the Church and become a Friar
In a school pantomime he once played the comical Friar Tuck
His bad luck.
Noah
Was a bit of a goer
He built The Ark
But not the Cutty Sark.
Lot
About his wife he gave not a Jot
He sneered at her as he drank his favourite malt
But her subsequent mineralisation was entirely her own fault.
Job
Was generally thought a snob
While Zachariah
Became a bit of a pariah (I always thought "Job" was pronounced to rhyme with "robe.")
The Apostle Paul (Darren) It is. This must've been a job lot.
Was also known as Saul
But Mark
Was never known as Clark.
Judas Iscariot Balancing the ying and yang
Hung himself from a tree using a noose on his lariat
His hair was red
It was said.
Adam and Eve
Wouldn't believe
That the simple apple
Would lead to them being immortalized in Michelangelo's painting in the Sistine Chapel.
Prince Charles
Rarely snarls
Although he does talk a lot of drivel
And on occasion is known to snivel.
Louis Pasteur
Preferred Mademoiselle to Monsieur
Apologies and an alternate more suited to the game.
Found prevention more viable than cure
While Marie Curie
Pressed on regardless, to her Safety Officer's fury.
Anton Lavoisier
Had absolutely nothing to do with the brassiere
But that's not to say
That he wasn't loved by Mrs. Lavoisier
Cary Grant
Married my aunt
And Garfunkel
Was described as Simon's carbuncle (avoiding the obvious...)
To boldly draw the line....
Was described as Simon's carbuncle
Sid James
Was adept at card games
Not so Hattie Jacques (Dandalf) Neat.
Hardly a card shark
[irach] Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't Hattie Jacques' surname pronounced to rhyme with "rakes"?
Oh well, I stand corrected. Here's an alternative line...Who, when playing gin rummy made such terrible mistakes.
Sherpa Tensing
Was never obsessed with skin cleansing
Therefore, he led a lonely life
Shunned by one and all, including his wife
Sir Edmund Hilary
Was surprised to find himself in the pillory
Because he thinks that modern mountaineers are too blasé
About considering human life just passé.
"Dave" Cameron
His political rivals would like to put him in the slammer on
The basis that he attracts women like flies
They do admire his shapely thighs
Magellan,
Or "Ferdie-baby" as addressed by Sir Ian McKellen Crap, but what else is there?
Did a bit of circumnavigation a while ago which has led to his name being used for a Global Positioning Satellite system because there is a tenuous connection
Why not vote for him at the next General Election?
Michelangelo (Rosie)- there was "felon, melon, Helen, no tellin'..."
Liked to indulge in the odd fresco
Whereas J M W Turner (Softers) I am far too innocent to know about felons or indeed melons. :-)
was a bit of a watercolour churner
W. G. Grace
How could he be such a good cricketer with such a hairy face?
Consider the baby-faced Babe Ruth
Who hit seven hundred and fourteen home runs! Streuth!
Svennis Yeah, I know you don't call him that. At least this should be rhymeable.
Became known as "The Swedish Menace"
While Bjorn Borg
bored.
Obi-Wan Kenobi
Gets someone to do his dhobi
While Luke Skywalker
Watches Night Stalker
Alec Guiness
Was a great fan of Neil Innes
He used dream of being in the Rutles with Neil
Until someone told him he didn't have the right 'feel'
Johannes Brahms
Possessed the standard number of arms
Which limited the type of music he was able to write
Yet, on the other hand, playing Chopin's piano pieces is facilitated by one's possession of supernumary digits on one of one's hands- the right.
Humph
Triumph
Brooke-Taylor
Failure (As if Brooke-Taylor rhymed with Failure... I ask you)>
Graeme Gardner
Seldom, if ever, greeted people saying "Howdy, Pardner!"
Unlike Graeme Garden (who is Graeme Gardner?)
Even when he visits Henley-in-Arden. (Darren) I think Chalky's been working too hard and by way of compensation may be in her cups at this late hour.
Bill Oddie oblig.
What a body!
So hairy!
No fairy!
Sam Loyd
Created the 14-15 Puzzle that any smartarse would avoid
Whereas Erno Rubik
Had ideas more cubic
Laszlo Bíró more world-famous Hungarians . . .
Was on the ball and is now upheld as a writers hero
Whilst Marçel Bich
Failed to click pronunciation assumed
Hieronymus Bosch
Thought by some to be the inventor of power tools, but that's tosh. (Softers) :-)
But Salvador Dali
Considered a genius by some, but, by God, didn't he over do it? Some of his work wouldn't even be accepted by the people of Mali.
Not that I'm claiming Malians have no taste in art. If you can show me the proof, I'll retract...
Roy Liechtenstein
Thought pop art was very fine
While Andy Warhol
Might have come with something worthwhile if he'd dug a borehole.
Tom Cruise
Makes me snooze
And Katie Holmes
Inspires no pomes.
Houdini
Drank Martini
Whereas Cyrano
Played with Meccano . . . one for the oldies . . .
I.M. Pei
Designed the glass pyramid structure over the Louvre that is reviled and adored equally by Parisians and was brought to dubious fame by Dan Brown whose yarn is, quite frankly, pie in the sky
On the other hand, Richard Rogers
Had no truck with bodgers.
Oscar Hammerstein
Would that the the first or second in line?
"The the the the the the," was one lyric he wrote
In response to which, Richard Rodgers left him a very snotty note
Che
Whaddya say?
He was a middle-class Argentinian that ended up as a Marxist revolutionary in Cuba somehow
And on to grace t-shirts worn by those who think they're cool now.
Fidel Castro
Is the maestro
He reeks of cigars
He hated the Czars.
Ho Chi Minh
Had quite a few hairs on his chinny chin chin
On the other hand, Nguyen Van Thieu
Considered shaving to be very much part of his world view
Syd Barrett
The last brick just fell out of his garret
After they'd sacked him, the rest of Floyd wished he was here
Although, had he stayed, would David Gilmour have had a career?
Nelson Mandela
Had an ex-wife Winnie whose behviour was far from stellar
He crossed paths in a peaceful way with F.W. de Klerk
Who viewed the end of apartheid as more than just a quirk (sorry to get two lines into this one; it's just that it's been languishing unfinished for days...)
Kylie Minogue (irach) Fair enough, but to rhyme it has to be said in deep Scouse. :-)
A neighboutly girl whose singing was at one time very much in vogue
If only she'd stayed with Jason Donovan
Nice boy, but they wouldn't have got in on often.
Alanis Morisette
Is old enough to have recorded on casette
Whereas Jo Brand
Is old enough to have had her act recorded in longhand
Stephen Harper
Wishes that Shay Given would not sign a new contract at Newcastle United, and just scarper. I suspect we may not be talking about the same Mr Harper, but the NUFC reserve goalie is the only one I know
Meanwhile Tim Krul
Maybe only young but is certainly no fool
Folk troubadour Bob Dylan
Was held to be the evangelist of the sixties protest movements but their attribution was misgiven
As for Pete Seeger [Phil] No we're not, but yours is better.
When it came to the shift from acoustic to electric, he wasn't eager
Jimi Hendrix
Did bluesy note-bend tricks
With his teeth
Which numbered twenty-six
I never realised before that "teeth" rhymed with "six!"
[Darren] I must have been in CleriGlowWorm mode.
How about:
Jimi Hendrix
Did bluesy note-bend tricks
With his teeth
Which were woven into his wreath
Germaine Greer Chalky] Nice save
Has no peer
And Simone de Beauvoir
Has said au r'voir.
Jean-Paul Sartre
Jean-Paul Sartre
Was an existentialist old fartre
Nevertheless, his works confronted basic religious bprinciples and he thus seriously pissed off Pope Pius the twelfth who had his books banned for reading by the good catholic faithful
For which only they were grateful.
Jean-Jacques Rousseau
Sired many children and encouraged his friends to do so
Among his enemies was Voltaire
Who, among his other contributions to the Enlightenment, first coined the term au pair
Zinedine Zidane
Everyone but the French thinks he's insane
Never mind how much he was provoked by Materazzi
You can't do that in front of so many paparazzi
[Tuj] Brilliant - I couldn't think of a 4th line, but I hoped someone would be inspired :-)
Vladimir Putin
Won his political spurs while disputin' [Phil] I blush!
This is the way with most politicians (Tuj) You shouldn't. It were a good'un.
But (sharp intake of breath) when it comes to estimates and billing, you'll find it's a practice employed by numerous electricians
Steve McClaren
His future looks barren
While David Beckham
Will do fine, since he does not allow wife Posh Spice to henpeck him.
Monty Panesar
Looks pretty solid, so far
And good old Ian Bell
Wrote Elite with David Braben, which sold rather well
Samuel L. Jackson
Is not Anglo-Saxon
Whilst Sean Bean
Is Martian and green
"Doctor" John Reid
Is soft in the heid
He thinks that plastic bags are the best defence against terrorist bombers
And, inserts, wrongly too, many commas.
"Doctor" Gillian McKeith
Would have appalled Lord Reith
An Australian self appointed nutritional expert, though thought to be a quack
How can we persuade the Australians to take her back?
George Jean Raymond Pompidou
Il est mort, mais ils sont les autres en son lieu
Contrairement à Jean-Marie le Pen
Le leader du partie <>, qui est electé again et again.
Drat, that was the parti «Front National»
Sir Alan Sugar
When crossed, can be an ill-tempered old bugger
And when tired
You're fired I guess that was what you had in mind, pen
Brian Blessed
Playing Fancy Smith in Z Cars as a policeman dress-ed
While Michael Laerned
(OOPS! That should be Learned, of course...)
Often went to fancy dress parties dressed as a St. Bernard just to move it along
Darrell Hair
Found a problem that wasn't there
Mind you, after that dubious decision his application of the law
Stuck in many people's craw
Alan Bennett
Wrote about people who say "’Ot, ennit?"
Unlike Enid Blyton
Whose characters' pronunciation was always right-on
Lee Perry
Was influential in the development of reggae and dub, particularly in Jamaica, and was diametrically opposite in style to Mungo Jerry,
Whose advocacy of drink-driving
Was perhaps what kept an otherwise promising career from thriving
Rudolf Diesel
Had a stressful life as an engineer and thus turned to lecturing with the aid of a blackboard and easel
He eliminated the need for a spark plug found in the earlier internal combustion engine design of Nikolaus Otto
And instead used it for cheap thrills whenever he was blotto
Dmitri Shostakovich
Wrote symphonies and pieces for string quartets for which (... unfinished sentence alert)
Zoltán Kodály It must be
Hidden textWould die-y.
(So says Rosie) would die-y.
Fact: my father (who worked in BBC Radio) made a telephone request to the BBC Sheet Music library for "Could I But Express In Song" (Composer unknown) and received a memo back a few days later reporting that no record could be found of "Kodály: Buttocks-pressing Song".
[Kim] What I particularly love about that anecdote is the window it gives us into the mental world of whoever took down your father's request.
Avogadro
Do you mean the bishop or the count? Sadly we will never know.
We'll assume you mean the man with the famous number
Being 6.0221367 x 10 to the power of 23 which if one is not of a chemical bent, is likely to induce slumber.
The T.U.C.
Right now doesn't have a lot of time for Ton-ie
It would have even less for a Tory
End of story.
The Queen
Drinks Ovaltine
While Prince Phillip
Prefers a Mint Julep
Silvio Berlusconi (Robin) One's Mint Julep?
For your support he'll bung you a pony
It'd be handy for riding into town
If Yankee Doodle doesn't and lets us down
Andrew Strauss
Is not the one who composed Die Fledermaus
That will do for an opener
Of his success his wife has some hope in 'er
[Darren] Well rescued! [Rosie] Couldn't think of many other drinks that rhyme with Phillip. However,
Phil the Greek
Thought my reference to his liking Mint Julep a cheek
For when it came to his favourite booze, oh
He much preferred Ouzo.
(Robin) Here, drink this; it'll give you a fillip.
George the Third
Sometimes he though that he was a little bird
During his reign there were two Prime Ministers called William Pitt
Though they had different ages which helped a bit
Brad Pitt
American upper class twit
He'll never be Prime Minister
Maybe politics is not so sinister.
Angelina Jolie
Does a surprisingly accurate impersonation of Buddy Holly
Now she just needs to find her Ritchie Valens and Big Bopper
But she could try to do Fred Astair in a topper
Quentin Crisp
Despite many affectations went to great lengths to disguise his lisp
He made no bones about the fact that he was as camp as a row of tents
And enjoyed the company of other gents
Jackson Pollock
Dedicated his art to the service of Moloch
Although his technique was somewhat simple
(Instead of painting, he just squeezed a pimple)
Tilda Swinton
Strangely has a name that sounds like a mark of punctuation
She appeared naked in Orlando
But never did appear onscreen with Marlon Brando.
Robert the Bruce
With the English played fast and loose
Legend has it he learned a life lesson from a spider
Which an old lady swallowed, and it wriggled and wiggled and tickled inside her.
Gerardus Mercator (for it is he)
Not to be confused with Nicholas, the mathematician and music theorist, noted for his works on natural logs and "53 equal temperament", who lived roughly a century later,
Developed a famous map projection
But suffered because of the Catholic church's rejection
Sir George Everest
Never really knew when to give it a rest
A man of precision
Not an object of derision
Peter Gabriel
When trying to intone the word "grill" always, for some reason, managed to say "griel"
Founded Genesis and then left it to Phil Colins who hung in rather longer
Thereby earning a great deal more "wonga".
Eve
Felt quite the outsider once Adam met Steve
But God disapproved
Thus the Gay Rights campaign ensued.
Adam
Took a right ribbing from Eve, the little madam
Pretty soon, yielding to temptation, they got to breedin'
Followed by many months of breast-feedin'
Heinrich Rudolf Hertz
Had a pet iguana that was bigger than Prince Albert's
His descendants rented vans
And his name had some letters in common with that bloke who put beans in cans
William Morris
Provided calligraphy for an 1876 edition of The Odes of Horace
But best remembered for his contributions to the world of wallpaper and other interior designs and decorations
And sometimes his orations
Eleanor of Aquitaine
Of both France and England she became queen
Mother of Richard the Lionheart
Had a sister named Petronilla, but not (to my knowledge) a brother named Bart.
Michael Portillo
Has many a peccadillo
Having been pipped as Tory leader by IDS he resigned his seat
If not in control of the kitchen he couldn't take the heat.
Ezra Pound
During the Second World War was mostly renowned
Particularly for his fascist views
Which at the time was bad news.
King Leonidis of ancient Sparta
Though not generally recorded in history books, was a champion farter
His expulsions were legion
And but for a system of funnels which channeled them harmlessly underground, would have decimated the region.
Al Gore
Informed environmentalists that a rare sort of spore
Had infected the White House
And had replaced the President with a woodlouse
Ada Lovelace
Devised the first computer program with a smile on her face
In that respect she worked on the difference engine with Charles Babbage
Who had the countenance of an old cabbage.
Helen of Troy
Was mad about the boy
Her face may have launched a thousand ships
More likely to have been her snaky hips.
Caligula
Would diddle with his sister quite regula'
While Nero
Was nobody's hero.
Sir Alec Guinness
Had bones of a most extraordinary thinness
This caused problems while playing Obi Wan Kenobi
And which is why the lost the role of Genghis Khan to a horribly miscast John Wayne in "The Conqueror", to lead a horde of Mongols across the barren Gobi.
Geoffrey Chaucer
Liked to sip his tea not from a cup, but a saucer
He liked to write in English about ordinary folk
While eating omelets made without the yolk
Mr. T
"I pity the fool," says he
He's reformed and divested himself of heavy gold chains
But you still won't get him on aeroplanes.
Sean Bean
Could never be a drag queen
He played Boromir in Lord of the Rings
The only semi-convincing performance he's managed in a role that was just one of many, the others largely disappointing things.
Don Rumsfeld
Needs his bumps felt
After being called "incompetent strategically, operationally and tactically"
Politically he's dead, practically.
Nancy Pelosi
Has never met even a single solitary one of America's many Mafiosi
But Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin
Were claimed to be so close to Carlo Gambino as to frequently hear him fartin' (Sorry,....coat!)
Gary Gygax
Gets +1 to all his attacks
His Vorpal Sword
Gives him that reward
John Stonehouse
Had no nous
He failed to realise that just leaving a pile of clothes on a beach
Would not necessarily convince the Director of Public Prosecutions that he had succumbed to a watery grave and was consequently out reach.
Rolf Harris
Once painted Niles Crane's first wife Maris
Probably a more significant sitter for the bearded Oz was Queen Elizabeth the Second
Who was hoping she'd be depicted as a kangaroo more than Rolf reckoned
Steve Irwin
Often dangled raw meat in front of crocodiles whose dinner he was servin'
His boldness was his demise
Said Germain Greer who was ever so sad that she had no chance to say her goodbyes
Ricky Ponting
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