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Cleri Who's Who
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Four lines rhyming AABB - scansion, rhythm, metre and all that malarkey is as random as-u-like. Oh yes - the featured subject, usually a person, is mentioned in the first line.
Here's a full and frank(ly better) intro by Thos along with some that were made earlier.
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Given that her name sounds like a high-rise prostitute [2 z's, I think - Condoleezza]
It may be to the Americans' advantage that they found a substitute.
The millionaire businessman, Alan Sugar
Prefers football to rugger
Although his favourite football team
Appears to have run out of steam.
Jeremy Paxman (Darren) And coal, and water, and oil, and the driver doesn't "know the road".
Is known to his friends as "The Axeman"
Ever since
He chopped Michael Howard into mince. Did you threaten to overrule him?
Michel Pignolet de Montéclair
Often thought it was terribly unfair
He didn't have enough time to compose
But may still influence future Rameau's
The Master of the West Kent Hunt
Is more than happy to bear the brunt
Of Tony's wrath
And tell it not in Gath.
Saff African Retief Goosen *several accents declared*
Stephen Leaney's game will loosen I had to research this, you know! The only golfer I know is Jack Nicklaus..:)
But not his pants I'm plumbing the depths because I'm refusing to research anything.
Which are held up by ants I'm beyond caring about anything...
Ken Livingstone
Is on the phone
He's concerned that people think him sim'lar
To a sketch Gerald Scarfe had made of Picasso drawing a picture of Queen Victoria channeling the future spirit of Derek Acorah picking up a psychic message from Frankie Howerd concerning the reproductive equipment of Heinrich Himmler.
Snookerist Jimmy White
Held his cue too tight
And because of this
Played like piss.
Ernö Rubik
Made puzzles cubic
For a time they were de rigeur
Although why is hard to figure.
"Still-in-the-running" Lord Coe
Has an Olympic bid on the go
But we'll always remember him best
As a man who ran fast in a vest
[K,R,D,T] :-)
Risque comedian Chris Rock
Will, during the Oscars, mock
many, but Razzie-winner Halle Berry
Will escape with just a gentle poke from England and Chelsea defender, John Terry. allegedly
H. G. Wells
Was driven to the end of his tether by the sound of bells
Whereas Edgar Allan Poe
Gladly gave them a go.
Tim Brooke-Taylor
Is, in all but the following respect, completely unlike Norman Mailer:
Tim is on I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue,
In which he claims he was, like Mailer, a sergeant in the US Army during World War II.
Humphrey Lyttelton
Ever admired, not a belittled 'un Bastard rhyme, Tuj.
Is assisted by Sven and Samantha
Who, as anyone knows, are about as real as The Pink Panther.
Peter Sellers
An actor more liked by women than by fellers Speaking of bastard rhymes...
Goodness gracious!
His appetite for ladies was really quite voracious.
Rudolf Hess [Rosie] Oops, sorry! [D,I,R,S] Nice one, right out of the music hall!
Got into a mess
When he heard Spandau Ballet's famous hit record, "Gold",
He then knew why to stay in prison he was told.
Rudolf Hess, Commandant of Auschwitz
Was known to have a soft spot for us Brits
And eventually, when he was found by the Scots
who, despite his good intentions, concluded that the leopard cannot change its spots.
[Darren] No, no, no. You are confusing Rudolf Hess, the subject of the prior clerihew, with Rudolf Hess.
[CdM] I wondered if there were two Rudolf Hesses, and indeed asked at the pilg at the weekend about this, but the consensus was that there was only one. Now, assuming you're right and there were two, it's still the case that most people in my survey weren't aware of that fact and really you have to expect this kind of confusion.
[Darren] Well, if you are going to take the word of a bunch of drunk Crescenters over that of the Great And Mighty Google, you really only have yourself to blame. :-) But, oddly enough, yes there were two senior Nazis called Rudolf Hess (although the Auschwitz Hess is sometimes written as Hoss, or Hoess, or Hoss with an umlaut).
Er, can I start another one. Oh good.
Mark Twain
Travelled here to Europe, then went home again
The only thing that can be said about what he wrote
Is that he wrote prose and was not a pote.
Marco Polo
Went solo
Whereas Vasco de Gama
Was accompanied by a llama.
Guglielmo Marconi
Was considered by some to be a phoney
But by signalling across the Atltantic
He allowed The Times' American correspondents to become less frantic
What is it with this game and bastard rhymes?

Former Prime Minister Edward Heath (Irouleguy) It's a pedantic semantic antic.
Was proud of his teeth
In certain places better known as the Grocer
A ladies' man? Oh, no sir!
Maggie Thatcher
Can anyone match her?
What? The Iron Lady? Handbags at Dawn?
"Sink the Belgrano!" She gave Little Englanders the horn.
William Shatner
Took 'is missus by the scruff of the neck and threatened to flatten'er
Then sang "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds"
And took care to over-emphasise the rhymonds [Raak] You're evidently in sadistic rhyming mood.
Charlotte Church
Should be given the birch
For beating up boyfriend's who have no discression or tact
Let her be whacked.
It's a foregone conclusion
That some of these poems instead of naming the subject straight off will only reference them by allusion
And, inevitably, while some will be formatted incorrectly,
others, though orthodox in form and hoping to excite the reader, will, through laborious witlessness, fail abjectly. Not getting at anyone, no, really.
Once paid a visit to Crewe
Sadly, he really wanted to be in Birmingham
Where he could have exercised his flabby thighs and begun firming 'em.
Charlotte Green Yummy! though not as yummy as Corrie Corfield, R4 fans.
Chocolate voice, serene With you all the way, Rosie:-)
Though she doesn't have the gherkins Euphemism invoked, and next rhyme forced.
Bun, lettuce, mayo, cheese, beef pattie and special sauce of Brian Perkins *sigh* I am so pleased that's over.
The itinerant, St Patrick
Never bowled a hat trick
As cricket had not been invented
He had to devise other ways of driving people demented
Ray Mears
Appears to have no fears
And can do without ordinary household goods
But I bet his cameramen don't sh*t in the woods.
John DeLorean
Is a name you have probably completely forgotten by now, unless you work in the automobile industry (like penelope), or are a historian
Conned the British government into shelling out millions to build a car of stailess steel
But, thanks to Back to the Future, most people don't realise the car was real.
[CdM] 'e's dead. It was on the front page of BBC news today :o) (And I was a fan of Back to the Future)
Roddy McDowall
Whose name has a rather high ratio of consonant to vowel
Inspired nobody three days!!
To lust for his body.
Doctor Who
Started out alone but now has a very large crew
This includes Dr Zhivago and Dr Kildare
For whom one of the main attractions of travelling through time and space is that they don't lose their hair
Rose Tyler oblig.
Has necessitated Hackney Borough Council to introduce a new Bye-law
Viz:
No police boxes without planning permission, no matter who you are with.
Pope John Paul II
Remained serene as death beckoned
Though retirement was never an option
He at no time regretted his office's adoption
Jamie Oliver, chef extraordinaire
Has exposed the disgusting nature of children's school fare
From Greenwich to Goodge Street, Peckham to Pinner
And now, with more governmental money for school meals, our children will all be fitter and thinner.
The next Pope
Is unlikely to have ever smoked dope
Mind you...
Noone knows what long-term exposure to incense can do.
David Blaine [R,I,Z,S... nice.]
Is a teensy bit insane
David Copperfield, on the other hand
Is rather bland
Charles and Camilla
Do not, unlike Nigel Kennedy, support Aston Villa . . . for which much thanks.
But does anyone really give a toss?
It's their loss.
Camilla and Charles Round Two
Are quite unlikely to spend their honeymoon in Avignon, Carpentras, Nîmes or Arles
Whilst they have nothing specifically against those places
There's something enticing about his mothers large collection of palaces
Tony Blair
Labour's despair
May be brought down
By Gordon Brown. forced
Casanova
Was known to get his leg over
They say he also used protection
Despite the Pope's theological objection
Benjamin Disraeli
As PM was promoted to the Lords and spoke there daily
(As opposed to merely
twice yearly)
William Gladstone
Disdained the whole grubby business of canvassing, kissing babies and making extravagent promises to the electorate (as far as is known)
But became famous for his bag
and never losing his rag.
Nights
Loves good frights
But his essential commitments to his studies at The University Of Bath mean his sojourns here are no longer as regular as they used to be
But an ex-MCer is something I am sure he would refuse to be.
Napoleon and Josephine
Apparently, at night, together would ne'r be seen
He'd tell her "DON'T WASH"
And then this poem ended, the last line distinctly lacking panache.
The Dalai Lama
Couldn't be calmer
He ponders great things
And does not desire blings.
Ravi Shankar
Has rarely regretted defying his parents' wish for him to become a banker
HSBC's loss
Especially since Bank of America just hired Luther Vandross
Elton John Much belated praise for The Dalai Lama one before last. Excellent!
Is neither forgotten nor gone
Whereas Billy Joel
Is on the roll
Frodo Baggins
Went on a long and at times excruciatingly painful journey in payment for someone else's sins
Whereas Sam Gamgee
Might well have had a far less exhausting time of it if he'd simply suggested at Rivendell that those big Eagle fellas give his Master a lift straight to Mordor where he could've chucked the Ring in from the air, and been flown back home in time for tea.
Fay Weldon
Seldom
If ever
Said "Sir".
Boris Johnson
A haircut? He wants 'un.
Although, by and large, he'll tend to avoid Liverpudlian hairdressing salons
Those Judies have talons.
Robert Kilroy-Silk
Soured milk
whereas Tony Blair Don't all rush
Is yesterday's square.
Darth Vader
No friend of Ralph Nader
No father to Luke in any real sense other than biologically
And had a head remarkably resembling a bialy.
Sir Edmund Hillary
Climbed mountains all willy-nillary sorry...
And swore he would never rest
Until he was atop everest
Rosie *opens can of worms*
Interested, but never nosy
Sounds girly
But is, in reality, burly.
Gorgeous George Galloway
Was no Stanley Holloway
But his vitriolic performance in front of a US Congressional Committee
Gave rise to a really interesting Billy Bragg ditty.
Glenn Miller (pen) Ooh, I dunno. 5' 8", 11 stone 12. Empties can of worms into saucepan. Yummy!
A musical pillar
Played "Little Brown Jug" (the only thing I know about him)
And disappeared on his way to Paris in a fug. [Raak] bugger to rhyme, better than Pennsylvania 65000 though
Senator John Glenn
Went to the moon, but then came back again
But Captain Scott (Raak) "In the mood", "String of pearls", Tons of stuff. You're not old enough. :-)
Went to the South Pole and came back - not!
John Travolta
Went to Malta
But Olivia Newton-John
Took literally the old joke about Jamaica and so went to Kingston
Rumpole of the Bailey
A bottle of port daily
But Perry Mason
Only every other day, son.
René Descartes Careful . . .
Married geometry with classical algebra, two studies that had until then been thought irreconcilably apart oh, always.
Whereas Isaac Newton
Intrigued himself with laws of motion, the development of calculus, and was not involved in any way with the KGB, as was Putin.
Ethelred the Unready
Once he's got to the stage of getting Ready, then Steady
, went
And had sixteen children with Aelfgifu and the daughter of Thored, but never did make out with the Duchess of Kent.
Showy starman David Bowie
Disliked pizzas that were too doughy
The effect of these on his adrogynous persona
Was that his fans thought him bona
Anakin Skywalker
Expressed so much remorse at the death of Padme, but in such a totally rubbish way ("Noooooo!!!!" - I mean, what was that all about?) that he'll never be a top drawer after dinnertalker
His acting ability, rather than tears, evokes mucus
He might as well nuke us
James Watt
Noted Scot
Watched a kettle
Made of metal
Michael Palin
Acquired an exquisite collection of whale baleen
While Ann Boleyn
Found her head in the bin.
Jason, hero of ancient Greece [thanks for ending that one, Rosie]
Took his argonauts on a legendary journey to find a golden sheepskin that was in one piece
These lusty rowers (Juxt) It needed a mercy killing, unlike Ms Boleyn. :-)
Really messed up on their return and Jason's esteem lowers.
Jacques Chirac
Was denied a "d'ac!"
He may have to go (Raak) Nice!
Il n'est pas bien dans sa peau.
Silvio Berlusconi (Softers) Yet more classy stuff. :-)
Could win a 'Tony'
As Blair blags free holidays at posh Italian villas [Rosie] :-)
He keeps spouting hot air which would be sufficient to power a dwelling a bit like Windy Miller's.
Paris Hilton
Has a penchant for cheese, particularly Stilton
Also gorges on Cheddar
Which would possibly explain the fact that even when I see her with no clothes on I get a wilt on With no apologies
[Botherer] You should have rhymed with "Cheddar" and not "Stilton." It's Clerihews, not Glow Worms! Here's a replacment:-Which explains why I don't want to bed 'er
Bree van der Kamp
Is she a lady? Or a tramp?
Maybe both, according to the song
Thirty million Frenchmen can't be wrong.
Sydney Poitier
Doesn't wear anything designed by Jean-Paul Gaultier
Because he thinks [Darren] oops... too many games, not enough time...
Chic stinks.
Henry Ford
Sold Model Ts and got himself a multi-million dollar hoard
Whereas John Delorean
Wasted even morean.
Mahatma Gandhi
Shunned vodka and brandy, and to my knowledge never did date Jessica Tandy
Violence wasn't his thing
Neither was bling.
Michael Portillo (Botherer) :-)
Who, alegedly, many women would like to find on their pillow
Lost his seat
He was quite soundly beat
Bob Geldof
Thinks that the wife who left him for Michael Hutchence could have held off
That's why he swears
He only eats pears.
Home-style guru Martha Stewart, ex-con
Whose wealth outstrips the combined resources of The Queen, Delia Smith and Madonn...
Aims to top Bill Gates
As the person the world most hates.
Rudolf Diesel
Despite his fame for the combustion engine had all the endearing traits of a weasel
Whereas James Watt
Did not!
Isambard Kingdom Brunell
Designed the world's first steam-driven transatlantic carousel
Better known for his bridges
But unlike Jacob Perkins, not for fridges.
Aussie skipper Ricky Ponting
Has found his much vaunted and sickeningly overrated team somewhat wanting
On the other hand, Michael Vaugha
Thinks Ponting wishes he (Michael) was never born.
Mohammad Ashraful Did you watch it, DrQu+? Talk about warm the cockles of the heart.
Proved that Bangladesh, while still a little rough round the edges, can't be written off as dull Or so I understand from a 30-second perusal of the headlines....
While Inzamam-ul-Haq
Is wont to make a quick knock. I missed that one, and was quite floored by the headline. I did catch the England/Australia match from Bristol, which featured the awesome thwappings of...
Kevin Pietersen
Whose 25th birthday is in six days (June 27) is a good sportsman and quite a neat person
But he's no Andrew Flintoff
Neither will he have quite the political impact of Dom Mintoff. Thank God that one's over. :-(
Attila the Hun
Was a bundle of fun
His passion for terror
Left his men no margin for error
Charles de Gaulle
Was incredibly tall
"Après moi le déluge"
But it was Pompidou, his stooge.
Inspector Clouseau
Would practice judo
And Robinson Crusoe
Knew so.
Sir Christopher Wren
Has done it again
St. Paul's
Enthralls.
Theophilus Monk
Argued images are not junk (St. Theophilus, persecuted for defending the veneration of holy icons.)
But Leo the Isaurian
Rose to be an 8th century Byzantine Emperor through his prowess in the military, though it's uncertain whether he was ever a centurion
Sylvester Stallone
Has a voice like an agonised moan
Whereas Arnold Schwarzenegger
Is just a noisy beggar.
Harold Wilson
Never did date model Glenda Gilson (www.assetsmodels.com/female_models.php?model=19&i=6 - )
Neither, one strongly suspects, did his successor Edward Heath
Who is thought to have had a thing for Yasmine Bleeth.
David Hasselhoff
Told the residents of Basel off
For selling him a faulty signature line Mel Tormé "Swatch"
They offered him some scotch.
Batman begins
Almost as fast as Hurricane Higgins It's easy rhyme day, I see...
But cartoon mouse Speedy Gonzalez (Andele, Andele! Arriba, Arriba!))
fortunately frequents the bar less.
Katie Holmes
Allegedly prefers shorter men and gnomes
This predeliction
Surely must be fiction.
Speilberg's interpretation of War Of the Worlds
Makes your hair stand on end and straightens out your curls
While the 1938 broadcast by Orson Wells
Let loose all Hells.
Alfred Hitchcock
set his alarm clock [Software] that's Welles, please.
To a time that remains a mystery - invoking blindingly obvious feed-rhyme
The rest is history, Happy to oblige, Chalks
Boutros Boutros-Ghali
Is fluent in Bengali
This should serve him well
But who can tell?
Bob Geldof
Thinks the world of
Catherine Zeta-Jones (as so many do)
He'd like to jump her bones.
Stephen Fry
What a guy!
A prince, a pearl, a polymath
But not (as far as is known) an osteopath
Groucho Marx
enjoyed his larks
While brother Harpo
Parodied the Gestapo.
Leif the Lucky, viking gent
Gave up mead and strong ale for Lent
But Hagar the Horrible, contrarily
Continued to indulge, keeping it from Helga, warily.
Edward Heath inevitably
On losing the leadership of the Conservative Party to Margaret Thatcher was for the rest of his life fed up to back teeth
But, nevertheless, enjoyed his sailing
That is, when he wasn't bailing.
Ken Livingstone Nice one, Rosie
With his Estuarine drone
As Mayor of London
Has left a lot undone.
Former Transport Minister Stephen Byers
Hoped to impose a tax on frequent flyers
And on railways he told porkies
Hoping that we'd all go walkies
Franz Liszt
For all we know may well have met Johannes Brahms in Vienna and got pissed
Whereas, when he encountered Johann Strauss
He had the presence of mind not to ask about his latest spouse.
The noble canine Lassie *wince*
Was played in the movies by male dogs as bitches were far too sassy.
While Toto in "The Wizard of Oz"
Didn't care which sex it was. So they say.
Elizabeth Arden
Laces her cosmetics with 2-chloro-3-ethoxyphenyl-5-methylparaben
Which makes her lippy shiny
But has the side-effect of making sipped coffee taste briny
Sinn Fein President Gerry Adams
Has a strange rapport with bordello madams
This sounds like a Loyalist smear
Or something very near.
Sigourney Weaver
Is fascinated by the natural history of the beaver
And the fact that petting beavers is so much fun
Gave her the idea for her character in 'Alee-yun' erm...
[pen] Bravo!
Domenico Scarlatti
When ordered to his room after being naughty
Composed unplayable sonatas
And seven operas for Queen Maria Casimira apparently
Salvador Dali
Was as hypnotic as the legendary Svengali
Had a discerning eye for women but in the case of Amanda Lear
It seems to have deserted him, I fear.
Gaston Leroux's Phantom of the Opera
Was made into films several times but never by Frank Copra
Neither did he re-make Bram Stoker's "Dracula"
Although some of the movies he did make are considered quite spectacular.
The Three Musketeers
Sorry - could have sworn I saw a line there. Encore une fois
The Three Musketeers
Were queers Oh come on, it was begging for that line
But the Three Men in a Boat
Were more into Deep Throat.
Jerome K. Jerome
Is remembered for that one book alone
And that character of his, old Uncle Podger [I can see the obligatory next line already...]
A literary bastion as memorable as Dickens' Artful Dodger [I couldn't.]
Enid Blyton
Unlike Stephen King, didn't write stories that would frighten
Her Noddy books and the Famous Five
Made one glad, or perhaps not, to be alive
Lorna Doone
Had a personal genie who granted her a boon
Or am I confusing her with Alladin?
, or possibly Aladdin.
Robin Cook
Was principled and such a stand he took
Unlike Clare Short
Of whom it's difficult to find as glowing a report.
Bonnie and Clyde
Lied
But "Dangerous Dan" MacGraw
Swore.
Benjamin Disraeli
Dressed gaily
While William Gladstone, his arch rival
Had a sombre, almost funereal style, of which the only recollections now are archival
Gloria Estefan
Would be unlikely to do a gig in Esfahan er . . . Iran.
While Celine Dion
Quite often does one in Lyon.
(New lymerik) the idaho lisence plate offers eating suggestions
Good heavens, Holmes, what does this mean?
Clement Attlee
Intoned flatly
Unlike Winston Churchill
Who, in private, squeaked like Julie Burchill
Plato
His Republic wouldn't have joined NATO
He wrote: "Everything that deceives may be said to enchant"
And his books are both shorter and much easier to read than those of Kant
Peter Gabriel
Creates and lives his own bizarre unreal world - an unsavoury 'ell
Whereas Phil Collins
Thinks he's Henry Rollins
(Although I did consider "Doesn't.")
I
Being very egotistical and self centred, aye
but They
Being so introverted and self-effacing, nay.
Patsy Cline
Is no longer mine :-(
But the legacy of Twangy Guitar man Duane Eddy Dusted off (literally) some his 1959 singles last night. What taste I had in those days.
Was Heinz, already
Ogden Nash
His bones are ash alas . . .
His words, though, live on
To be long pondered upon
George Michael
Rides a unicycle
So there's nothing to sit on
For poor Elton John
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