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So the Danish guy dies
help
Well, we've all seen those promising trailers that make the worst films seem like the next Oscar winner - how about writing a description that makes a classic sound absolutely dire? e.g. So there's this teenager and he hates his mother and his stepdad and there's loads of drugs and gore and they all die. Only better, hopefully. And without Mel Gibson.
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Jaws
A shark eats people. Well, what do you expect, that's what sharks do.
Ghandi
A story about someone's life that starts with his funeral. Once you've seen someone buried you don't need to know the rest.
Gone With the Wind (PG)
Romantic tragi-comedy set against the backdrop of the American Civil War about a woman who makes the mistake of marrying the wrong person, three times. Contains some mild swearing.
Donnie Darko
Kid in a small town has some psychological problems, which makes him think he travels through time. Except the ending makes no sense because it seems to suggest he actually can.
Ghost (15)
A man is brutally murdered in a city street. He is so in love with his girlfriend that his ghost tries to make contact with her. Except that the ending makes no sense because it seems to suggest that he actually succeeds. Contains some sexual references.
Fight Club
A man is so bored with his life he makes up an imaginary friend to blow up his appartment, have sex with his crush, teach him to make soap, get a friend killed, and overthrow all governments.
Die Hard
A policeman embarks on a bloodbath after getting trapped in a tower block. At no point does this seriously ring true to life.
2001: A Space Odyssey
A computer crashes while a big black cuboid floats around for no apparent reason. At this point, the entire concept of storytelling completely breaks down and the movie degenerates into a son et lumière show.
Casablanca
A bar owner bets that the most wanted man in the western world can get out of town. He then gives the guy a plane ticket and starts a "beautiful friendship" with a frenchman.
Shrek
Ugly troll wins beautiful princess, who turns out to be an ugly troll, and the two live happily ever after, thus saying something deep and meaningful about conventional standards of beauty, a message fatally undercut by the fact that the bad guy is also portrayed as physically defective.
Star Trek: The Motion Picture
Loosely based on the original television series, but with none of the excitement. At the start of the film all the characters have aged about twenty years. An hour into the film, so has the audience. At that point, the entire concept of storytelling completely breaks down and the movie degenerates into a son et lumière show lasting even longer than 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Psycho
A film about a young man and his mother. Except that his mother's dead. No wonder they couldn't afford colour with a premise like that.
The Wicker Man
Scottish policeman mislead into thinking a crime has been committed - it hadn't.
Barbarella
Jane Fonda searches for 80's popular beat combo whilst wearing entirely inadequate spacesuit.
The Lord of the Rings
9 hours in which they find a ring, then lose the ring. Lots of battles, but few of any intrinsic relevance to the ring thing. Some people fall in love, but very implausibly, and the main characters are all gay.
Parting Glances
Most people are gay in this too. Nobody falls in love, really. Nobody dies.
Macbeth
Ambitious nobleman gets the top job, but handles it badly, but the whole plot is revealed anyway early on by some witches, so only worth watching until Act IV Scene i. Lots of people die.
The Matrix
Basically, this is just the whole "he woke up and it was all a dream" ending, except the ending comes at the start.
Titanic
Boy meets girl on a ship which later sinks.
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