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So the Danish guy dies
help
Well, we've all seen those promising trailers that make the worst films seem like the next Oscar winner - how about writing a description that makes a classic sound absolutely dire? e.g. So there's this teenager and he hates his mother and his stepdad and there's loads of drugs and gore and they all die. Only better, hopefully. And without Mel Gibson.
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Shrek
Ugly troll wins beautiful princess, who turns out to be an ugly troll, and the two live happily ever after, thus saying something deep and meaningful about conventional standards of beauty, a message fatally undercut by the fact that the bad guy is also portrayed as physically defective.
Star Trek: The Motion Picture
Loosely based on the original television series, but with none of the excitement. At the start of the film all the characters have aged about twenty years. An hour into the film, so has the audience. At that point, the entire concept of storytelling completely breaks down and the movie degenerates into a son et lumière show lasting even longer than 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Psycho
A film about a young man and his mother. Except that his mother's dead. No wonder they couldn't afford colour with a premise like that.
The Wicker Man
Scottish policeman mislead into thinking a crime has been committed - it hadn't.
Barbarella
Jane Fonda searches for 80's popular beat combo whilst wearing entirely inadequate spacesuit.
The Lord of the Rings
9 hours in which they find a ring, then lose the ring. Lots of battles, but few of any intrinsic relevance to the ring thing. Some people fall in love, but very implausibly, and the main characters are all gay.
Parting Glances
Most people are gay in this too. Nobody falls in love, really. Nobody dies.
Macbeth
Ambitious nobleman gets the top job, but handles it badly, but the whole plot is revealed anyway early on by some witches, so only worth watching until Act IV Scene i. Lots of people die.
The Matrix
Basically, this is just the whole "he woke up and it was all a dream" ending, except the ending comes at the start.
Titanic
Boy meets girl on a ship which later sinks.
Passport to Pimlico
Early attempt at European Integration runs into bureaucratic problems
Titus Andronicus
Er, I think the "message" is, like, don't cook people and serve them to their relatives in pastry. Well, duh.
Perfect Blue
A moderately successful pop singer becomes a successful actress when someone on the internet starts killing people who don't like her.
For a Fistful of Dollars
Bangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbang$$!!
The Merchant of Venice
A rich merchant who loses his fortune gets out of debt by hiring a smart lawyer to prove that black is white and seize all the assets of the moneylender he's in hock to.
Moby Dick
A whaler goes on a long hunt for a whale. After a long time, he finds it.
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
King Arthur assembles his Knights of the Round Table, and together they embark on a quest to seek the Holy Grail. They fail, utterly, in almost every sense.
The Full Monty
A group of not-terribly-attractive men decide to take their clothes off in public. The final shot is a freeze-frame of their bare arses.
This is Spinal Tap
A group of stupid, obnoxious, non-terribly-attractive men travel the USA, shouting and generally making a racket. Nobody likes them. In the middle of the film, even *they* don't like them. When it finishes, everything is still exactly as it was at the start.
U2: Rattle & Hum
See "This is Spinal Tap." (nb. As an admitted U2 fan I must now go away and self-flagellate for my sins. Sorry.)
Ghostbusters
Some scientists set out to save the city from ghosts. They destroy the ghosts. And the city. And, for that matter, their own business, too.
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