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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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And we we'll wait for three hours at Staines
When you find yourself gasping for air
And no-one around seems to care
Take a deep mental breath
be prepared for your death
And kiss farewell to your derriere oblig.
Let's all go out with a bang
And a zoom and a whizz and a clang
For with any luck
We'll hit more than a duck
And the rest of the world can go hang!
It was twenty years ago today
Sgt.Pepper thought Lennon was gay
So he tried a test
And then pulled off his vest
And found Yoko Ono in play!
I'd like to be under the sea
And take part in the Whale's Jamboree
The octopus can
make mincemeat of man
With tentacles one, two and three
But tentacles four, five and six to continue a second verse...
are for en-tire-ly separate tricks
Pick a card, any card...
... study it, long and hard
And the tentacles will beat you with sticks.
Now, tentacles seven and eight (Oblig.)
(the subjects of fiercesome debate)
Are they just spares? (Chalky) Fearsome? Fierce? :-)
Used only on stairs?
or just put on show in the Tate? -like dead sheep...
But all the tentacles have suckers The grand finale! :)
When aroused, every one of them puckers
into shape most beguiling
The creature is smiling
No wonder! It's caused a great ruckus. [Rosie - re. above] yeah - one of my invented words.
While making a nice good thick gravy Without lumps, I'll have you know.
An art which I learned in the navy
I dropped in the pot
A crusty old Scot
- when he came out, his curlies were wavy. There is no alternative ...
We were sad when Pants went away Yes, we were :-(
It was oh such a very sad day
For both players and vicars Hmm... anyone in a real 'Friday afternoon' frame of mind care to follow on...?
Are bereft of their knickers ... wondering if there was a ruder word I could have used . .
As they squat in the cats litter tray
If you catch a whiff of ammonia,
You should travel at once to Livonia
Eùmist kõrd mierdõ (Carpe Diem invoked)
You've pissed up me 'airdo Er . . .Will this do?
And now I've got double pneumonia ... best I could do - given the bizarre switch to 'first person'.
I don't mind the getting up early
When the dawn is tendrilled and pearly
But what I can't stand
Is the touch of your hand
That's caressing my Curly Wurly
I once was attacked by a squirrel
Whilst using an epidural only 2 rhymes left, unless someone uses their imagination..
Which I had received
in my dire hour of need (snorgle) Where's Birkenhead?
from a backstreet old quack, name of CyrilScouse avoidance invoked
To make a relationship work
IDS must convince us he's sane - uphill struggle in Blackpool
Bugger, simulpost, Hi Chalks, BTW
One must not act up like a jerk - going with Chalks, on this one.
To make a relationship work
One must not act up as a jerk
By groping those bits
That the hand nicely fits
you'll drive any female berserk. (Uncle K) Birkenhead - Wirral, squirrel. :-)
A microwave oven will cook
An elk, a badger, or rook
But if you try bison .. oh dear - more animal cruelty. See Orange - NB. not for the squeamish
or even Mike Tyson
It could get quite ugly - don't look!
The loveliest boy in the school
Is usually gay, as a rule Squirrel and Wirral don't rhyme to me!
You can tell by his satchel
He hangs out with Tatchell (thanks for the feed, Chalky)
He's as gay as a damsel Oh, dear, Chalks, another duff rhyming word
Bugger simulpost
At Eton, being camp is thought cool might as well get this over with.
Never mind, Softers. Rest assured, I would never post anything that didn't have a rhyme - but in this case, there was really only the one which rab picked up. Now for linesperson duty ...
When simulposted, I just stare
At a line which ain't meant to be there
My brilliance is wasted!
My genius untasted!
And my fine words are all rendered spare.
While studying a map of Belgrade
On my yacht (for I'm rather well paid)
There's a gaping big hole
the size of a goal
at the place where explosives are made.
There once was a house on a hill
Just Checked, it's up there still
Oh dear. It's turned Tartan
And I'd so set my heart on (unfinished sentence alert)
Grey pinstripes made out of fine twill. ... It seemed lonely sitting here for days without a finale.
Well there I was, wondering if anyone would bother finishing it off and up you pop ... with, if I may say, a very elegant last line. Bravo.
I went to the tailor's this morning
(Quite early - just as the day's dawning)
"Which way do you dress?" [well done, Duj]
, he enquired. In distress,
"With just simply the suit I was born in."
It's high time you told me the truth
without being rude and uncouth
"well, its like this"
"I want you to kiss"
And to what she said next I said "STREWTH!"
My sins now I wish to confess
I admit I like wearing a dress
But so what? I'm a girl
not some poncy old earl (Projoy) Are you, in fact? I'm not, BTW.
Though I've often been called 'My Princess'
Durn it, forgot the bold!
All conferrences over, thank God
With IDS left on his todd
His politics should be dangling sentence alert
cast into the sea
and consumed by ravenous cod.
Forgot the underline. Here goes.
[Rosie] Is that Newcastle Underline?

The secret to being a man

Was mislaid in the back of a van
it's hormones, you see The last time I was mislaid in the back of a van.........;-)
Causing trouble for me
and the poor sod who has no idea how to make this last line scan. (Thos) No, actually it was Ashton Underline. Sorry!
Bugger! Done it again.
Summer comes with the much warmer weather
And the crack of bare willow on leather.
By "leather," I mean
my pants, Josephine
When I'm fastened to you by a tether
Rosie/pen - oh-ho! It looked so innocuous until it got that far!
The trouble with wasting one's time
Over looking around for a rhyme
Is that some are so tricky
That you can't be too picky
and ridiculous displaces sublime. Alas!
I seem to be finishing an awful lot of these, maybe because I go to bed rather late and don't really do mornings. The joys of retirement! It's not one o'clock yet so maybe some night owl can start one.
My undies have turned pink and blue......It's been a bit like that, Rosie, I too have left a few for others of late. I suspect it's just 'one of those things'.
And I owe the whole thing to you
Colours don't mix with whites [Rosie] I'm going to be working nights come next month, so I anticipate doing some entire limericks myself...
And I'm working nights (sorry to hog two lines but frankly BM's line was too good to pass up)
But in darkness, you can't see the hue.
[Rosie: I seem to find myself doing a lot of first lines. Perhaps its all in the timing. Should we set up a kind of limerick tag-team?]
It's Monday again. What a pain!
Let's get naked and dance in the rain!
But there's work to be done!
And that man's got a gun!
Still, better than being David Blaine.
There's a rumour down St. Austell way
That the vicar's an awfully good lay
The rev's a woman, you see
So let's, after tea
Get down on our knees and then prey. yes, I can spell ...
As God said to me yesterday
'It's a shame that mans' feet are of clay,'
"But women's are wood"
"which isn't much good"leaving an opening for a grand finale....
When rolling around in the hay.... that was pantsy wasnt it?... onwards and downwards...
The voices I hear in my head
Say, "Kill them all, make them all dead!"
So keep out of my way
If you're planning to stay
Alive, and not copiously bled.
Beware! There's a beast on the loose
It's already beheaded a moose
It's got massive claws
And three sets of jaws
All SNARLY like big men called Bruce.
apologies to any non-snarling mild-mannered Bruces out there
I wish to object very strongly
For being treated so wrongly (I know, I know!)
You cad, oh, you fiend
I feel so demeaned
And you have made my face grow long-ly
And now I shall sue you for slander! [invoking more fiendish rhymes]
For you called me 'a cad and a bahnder'
But wives make good secs topicality invoked
And they come with free specs [doubling entendre]
And they all call their husbands, "Commander" That was a bizarre swerve, Projoy!
Darren - didn't you realise that IDS's given name is Longfaced Bruce?
Evidently not.
There's a lot of <HR> tags above!
Yeah. 'Fess up.
But still, it is you that I love!
ahem..
There's a lot of HR tags above!
But still, it is you that I love!
May I be so <bold>
Ahem...
May I be so <bold%gt;
You're simply too old (I thought I'd get a few in the bank back there.)
And you're ugly, when push comes to shove. [Darren] Well, I was recalling that IDS had threatened to sue anyone who impugned his character over the matter of his sec's life.
I'd risk all the world for your smile
As you smile in a very strange style
Your teeth are perfection
Despite the infection
which makes your gums shrink back a mile
Your feet are the colour of sin
So let's just pop them back in the bin
Your hands, I shall chop
To sell in my shop
With a pie with your entrails in
That last name made the homepage all wide and ugly. This is not the start of a limerick.
This is:
The homepage is ugly and wide
And all rotten and stinky inside
We have rab to thank
for the stink that it stank
- He caused it, though much he denied!
A magician, on doing a stunt,
That was *meant* to start a new limerick
Made sure that his knives were all blunt
His assistant insisted
That on throwing, they twisted
And kept well away from her front! (see how clean and restrained I managed to be)
It is said there's naught like a full moon
To encourage a lowly buffoon
to pull down his pants
And bathe in red ants
Till his buttocks are like a balloon.
I heard it once said in jest:
That Carlsberg is "prob'ly" the best
But Heineken reaches
the parts that one teaches
To stick their hands up ladies' vests.
When dancing at the P'liceman's Ball
I said, "No, dear sir, not at all!"
"I will not grab hold"
"Do you think me so bold"
"As 'pride' comes just 'fore a 'fall'"
A Chinese has been up into space
Wins the 'Great British Takeaway' race
Now the Yanks are all jealous
and that seems to tell us
Competition's the thing they can't face.
A Yank and a Chink in a bar
One in armour, and one on guitar
The Chink went clink
The Yank tried to think
But for a Yank, that just goes too far. Yup, I love our cousins across the pond. But they are Canadian ...
Gay bishops will guide us henceforth
(They're the one's who don't know south from the north)
They'll be quick to preach...
And then they will reach (dot dot dot)
Shirtlifters the way of the cloth Pronounced clorth by all Dick Emery style vicars, as you will recall.
err ... substitute the for with :o)
blimey - well done Software. I realised after I'd posted that first line - there are only two true rhymes.
Intelligent bio-design
is awfully fiendish to rhyme
But nevertheless
I'll try to impress
By invoking the presence divine.
[P, s, r, D & K] - satisfyingly concise and to the point!
If I end all parental controls
Will my offspring turn out to be trolls?
Or will they just lurk?
and never get work
, indulgence being one of their goals.
If I could go backwards in time
All the things that I'd do
I'd teach you a new way to rhyme (Since Projoy has varied from the Limerick form, let's just see where this goes. I've started what seems to be an ABAB pattern.)
And I'd keep winning the Lottery, too I memorise the numbers every week on the offchance that I will fall into a wormhole and go back to last month...
[Darren] I was actually shooting for a reverse limerick there (i.e. mine was line 4) but no matter...
The perfect acausal-type crime (unfinished sentence alert)
All the bits seem to be there, so shall we move on?>< hr>
On Sundays, I just like to laze
On Saturdays, shirk... since the last reverse failed, let's try again
'Til Friday I work
The week passes by in a haze
On Mondays my head's in a daze ... that gets the job done
How about a word reversal one now ...
reverse to has just one sometimes
perverse so be often can rhymes
kilter off up end you
filter a need words do?
.....verse of form this 'gainst many are crimes
Again! Again!
then okay ...
low brought often is scansion the where...
show to eager who're experts are there ... Double enders, eh? Excellent.
are they clever how
far too goes it now
foe formidable a metre's rare
Time in backwards go could I if
,thyme and parsley and rosem'ry sniff,
past the of think I
vast was garden My
crime a are looks youthful Richards Cliff
There's hardly a day that goes by
When you see people screaming out, "Why?"
Are they stupid, or mad .... [Chalky] you missed 'sage' above - sorry, I rather like S&G.
When they talk of Baghdad?
No, they once met Uday and Qusay.
Whilst hunting around for some sage
I met a bacteriophage
He had a big microscope
Which used a rare isotope ... Obviously not a scanning device
In a sensor wired up to a gauge
[Tina] If you want to highlight your entries, there are some helpful tips in the 'Banter Game' - about 4 or 5 pages back :-)
Biology's all very well
For people with no sense of smell-Thanks Chalky
But ammonia gas
Will empty the class oh, those northern vowels of mine...
Long enough to be saved by the bell.
By 'eck, lad, it's grim in the North
Och, cruvvens! Ye've no' seen the Forth!
So, oi'll stick to moi coider
(moi cumfert provoider)
In the Snug of "The Bear", Perranporth
It's quaite naice dyne h-yah in Surreh (sic)
We even eat foodstuffs laik curreh (sick)
In our hiyses of staine
orf porcelaine of baine
Which the servants prepare, so whay worreh?
They say that to lead a long life
You must eat your peas with a knife
Simulposted .... It is wise not to move to East Fife (in a desperate attempt to avoid yet another life/knife/wife limerick) ... I was just too late, it seems :-)
better luck next time CdM - remember not everyone here posts in 'Orange'.
If you used a long spoon
You'd finish too soon.
[Chalky] True. However, a troll through the archives on the three main servers finds eight life/wife/knife limericks, and a further twelve where life is rhymed with either wife or knife. (There are several that involve pea-eating among them. :-) ) And that is without the !York or Pants archives. I think that "life" should be classified with "month", "silver" and "orange" in the officially-frowned-upon file. But maybe that is just me.
And that will be the day that you die-F
-or they sing "Bye, American Pie
[Chalky (and Tuj)] Re-reading, that comes across as kind of critical, which was not my intention; my apologies for that. It was meant more as a tongue-in-cheek observation about what happens when you have been hanging around these servers for too long.
It's the best in the south you can buy ... This is becoming somewhat surreal.
If banoffee or lime
Seem less than sublime [CdM] quite so :-)
wash it down with plenty of rye.
They say there's a whorehouse in Texas
Where girls bounce on you solar plexus
So your breath comes in fits
You burst all your zits
BUT! It's all lies - made up by some lechers.
I once heard a lecher remark:
"Hello there, my name's Alan Clark"
I once was a Tory
But that's a long story
If you'd like, we can f*ck in the park
While pruning a bush in the garden Butchering, more like.
I found myself caught with a hard 'ern ... Lowering the tone, unless some horticulturist might rescue it.
I got out my clippers
In front of the nippers
- They didn't get even a 'pardon!'
I once took a trip to Estonia
Where brass bands have several euphonia.
I joined with a band
And got a big hand
Where not even doctors will go near
(emphasis on go and it works. Apologies for not knowing how to underline!)
[Angus] use <hr>
If you were to purchase a present
For me - how remarkably pleasant!
I'd rip off the wrapping
My wife would be flapping (Angus P) Try less-than hr greater-than.
"Slippers! You bloody peasant!"
While mixing cement in the bath [Angus] Actually, underlining is <u>like this</u>
I incurred mum's consid'rable wrath
She said "It'll set.... (Run-on)
In your creases, I'll bet!"
"so we'll just roll you out on the path!"
Using only Weetabix and mice
(And ignoring my father's advice)
My latest invention
got my mother's attention
By bringing her breakfast up (twice)
Since Darren can't access this site, - heh heh...
I can say whatever I want out of spite.
He'll return full of ire
With his friend of the 'spire'......Sorry, Chalky
And us with pestilence blight
hmmm ... apology accepted.
That Darren's a marvellous chap
When he purrs and curls up in your lap
But if you arouse his
Feline-fur trousis gimme a C!, gimme an O!, gimme an A!, gimme a T!
He'll join in with meaningless pap.
I love to peel a banana
And wrap the peel round a sultana
When boiled in wine,
And Seasoned with Thyme, Riff - use < b >tags< /b > to make your message bolder.
tastes great while grooving Santana
An indigent bookbinder's clerk
Rode a broomstick to get into work
. He saved money on petrol
But got his pants wet-rol
-ler skating in rain, what a berk. oh dear...
"Trick or treat" say the kids at my door (Darren, Big Dave) Real class!
so I sit tight and them I ignore
They pelt me with eggs
Shall I break their legs?
Then trick them to treats off the floor. .. heh heh
A good thing to say to a ghost
might be: "Hi - can you please pass the toast?"
A breakfasttime spectre
is a good dust collector
But reality comes with the post.
There is a huge flare on its way
Perhaps I could try that again?
There is a huge flare on its way
Well, the Sixties are back, so they say
it won't be so bright
If my trousers aren't right
Floral hipsters are just so passé!
I've just heard that Jon Snow's in the dock
for failing to adhere to the clock
like a well-dispatched fly
kept zipped, bye and bye
just listening to the tickity tock.
The problem with video games
Is they've got such ridiculous names
The Sims and the Lemmings
There's even Ian Flemming's
"Bond's Name Is No Longer James"
The trouble with very long bridges
Is they have lots of rust in long ridges
That's the problem with steel
Provided it's real
It attracts lots of magnetic midges
It'll soon be the Fifth of November
With fireworks and parkin, remember?
The Gunpowder Plot
Bonfires, hot
And annoying small brats, to dismember I'm not old and bitter, me..
The sixth of November will bring
The first signs of Global Warming
Unseas'nable weather
Cuckoos in't heather
And tides in the main street of Tring
just for Blob's benefit
The thing with the liner Aurora
Is it keeps getting smaller and smaller dodgy, but...
'Til it's just a mere speck.
but the people on deck
's arses are still getting sorer
In Paris, one might say it's chic
To be battre avec le 'ugly stick'
In the Rue de Montmartre
You can see Jean-Paul Sartre
Searching the ground for du fric
There was a young man from Nantucket
Who lived all his life in a bucket
To the end of his days
his oddly strange ways
were why passersby always struck it.
When invited to dine with the Queen,
Prince Phillip created a scene
He swore and he cussed
But Her Maj was non-plussed
by the way his nose glowed tangerine.
On a bath day, when losing the soap,
Is the best time for having a grope
For an innocent fumble
Is no cause to grumble
Just make sure the soap's on a rope!
Guy Fawkes was a wonderful chap
He's been given a terrible rap
He just wanted to say
'Being Catholic's okay'
'Boom boom, folks, now please mind the gap'
Tchaikovski found fortune and fame
By playing a tedious game
He used to subscribe [Projoy] Last line above - awesome!
To a Balinese tribe
Who never could quite spell his last name
In the middle of singing a tune
That Ruby Wax caused me to swoon
For her grasp of tonality
and vocal neutrality
Were nil. Ought to try the bassoon. On second thoughts...
*applauds* Whilst staying just south of Milan
I began to dance a "can-can"
- except that I can't
'cause my recent implant
Is still sore (But at last I'm a man!)
In the middle of making a toast
To my flatulent ill-mannered host - [st d] superb!
I felt a deep rumble
my bowel, it did grumble
And then my gas gave up the ghost.
Mr Howard is now Tory Leader
Another smug and fawning bleeder
It seems they can't win
It makes Kennedy grin
That damn little Scot ginger weed - er
I would like to point out at this time I have nothing against Scots, ginger people or indeed the Lib Dems.
It's goodbye to Iain Duncan-Smith
We will all shed a tear and a sniff (sorry)
who returns to the darkness forthwith.
BUGGER - SIMULPOST. How did that happen?
(Bifurcating then...)
He was Labour's best hope / He was banished by Howard
Now it's gone up in smoke/The backstabbing coward
And he's now been replaced by a twit-h
Many terrible deeds at the palace
none commited, however, by Alice
All we know is - a writ
We'll know more in a bit ...
But I bet it involves a royal phallus
Last night I dreamt I was walking
Surrey streets in a town known as Dorking
And when I awoke (Ken T) I see you've got here at last. :-)
I was really in Stoke
Being arrested for illegal stalking. [plump] Actually a servant's, according to what I hear... you didn't get it from me though...
If you want to develop your pecs
Take a hint from good old T-Rex
Just strum your guitar
and don't wear a bra
And engage dear Prince ********** in sex sorry if I lowered the tone at all...
How do you get a line in here?
Like this.
In the middle of sueing for slander
(for they spoke out with far too much candour)
We stopped for a dance [barbacoa] <hr> - I remember it as short for "horizontal rule"
Just on the off chance
A Cha-Cha with Chi-Chi the panda
There's an injunction on part of this verse
For the censored censored, it gets worse!
The Guardian's screaming
The lawyers are beaming
And every report must be terse.
For those who are feeling the cold
Remember it stifles the mold.
So get on with living
Be loving and giving
And let those warm feelings unfold. aaah
In the middle of drinking some tea,
I thought "this will make me pee". Old men and their bladders :-(
What if I don't get up? ohdearohdearohdear
Or I drench the new pup? yelp!
A dilemma I'm sure you'll agree
If you curtsey again I shall scream
I can see your knickers, they're green
At least, I think they're your pants
Inside, I feel ants
gnawing away at my spleen. What a compendium of non-sequiturs, mine included. I feel we can do better. :-)
From Hackney to Bromley-by-Bow
And the meadows of old Pimlico Already I'm liking the poetry of this one ....
The byways we tread
As we breathe in the lead
And eastward t'wards Dagenham we go. Hit me with your rhythm stick!
Kew Gardens; the height of the fall
Has tourists who just have the gall
To drop all their wrappers
Then run like the clappers oblig
and leg-it over the wall
It's rumoured that Hampton Court Palace in keeping
Was the setting for BBC's 'Dallas'
And that really, JR
Was Kath-ar-ine Parr
Dressed-up and sporting a phalus.
Meanwhile, back in Kalamazoo
Michigan State's playing host to The Who
They've already smashed
Guitars and they've trashed
all the hotels they've stayed in too
George Bush isn't bright it is true
But I don't think it matters, do you?
He's just one of the guys.
Although he denies
The attack on Iraq was a coup
From Kalamazoo to East Lansing
"Who" fans blocked the streets up with dancing.
But things went awry
When a pineapple pie
Hit the vocalist, who now just can't sing.
thanks!
On a day out with Danny La Rue
I found half a didgeridoo
Its twang was almighty
- It was heard back in Blighty -
and Danny dived into the loohighly unlikely, anyway it's a dunny down under, or so us poms are led to believe. Here endeth the lesson.
Lusaka, Kinshasa, Harare
St Fagans, Blaenavon and Barry
Kilmarnock and Fife
Looe and St Ive
And Kenya (Whilst lost on Safari).
They say I'm a much-travelled man
And it's true - I've spent time in Japan
and also on Mars
(But mostly in bars)
Where I filled up my green petrol can.
Is it true to say green eggs and ham unfi...
Are unfit for consumption by man ?
With a fox, in a box
and cream cheese and lox
They're still better for you than spam.
At last I have ultimate power! Muahahahaha!
Before you all people shall cower! (echoes laugh)
The formula's mine
For the fog on the Tyne
And the alpine fresh scent in your shower! It doesn't come much more potent than that.
Syntactical rules are not made (sentence alert unfinished)
Syntactical rules are not made
to beguile, tempt, cajole or persuade
But to help make some sense
(and not cause offence)
Of all the preceding tyrade
My tirades 'gainst poor grammar are fraught
With the pedantry that I was taught
By a teacher at school
(the silly old fool)
His lessons weren't not what they ought.
Bad grammar, poor syntax, crap rhyme
So many to try, but no time!
So here I will just unfinished...
Make do with a lust
For the great Ogden Nash in his prime.
As Yoda declared once to me,
'Confused by this all will you be'
Well, he was right
for I sat up all night
I can't choose! With the plotline for Episode Three / How the hell did he beat Christ'pher Lee? / With a Grammar book, pencils and tea
Whilst inhaling a pinch of good snuff
I was tempted to say, to Frank Bough
"Try this for size" [Dazed] Ah - so that's how they pronounce Buff in Brum :-) ]
"It'll bug out your eyes"
But I sensed that he'd had quite enough.
While cruising to tropical climes
To escape prosecution for crimes
I happened to meet
A cop on the beat
Who said "Sunshine, you're nicked, you'll do time!"
My cell is just six feet by ten
And I share it with 26 men
My left knee is wedged
between something alleged unf...
(sorry! for grammar:) behind something alleged
to be bigger than that owned by Sven.
If sleep were a treat, not a right,
I think I'd still do it all night
I'd stay in my pit
Until I saw fit
To get up [or just needed a shite] thangyew thangyew
I wish I did not oversleep
But when my alarm clock goes "beep"
The temptation's too great
And I must masturbate
Because I've been counting those sheep.
Of all of the people I've met,
None compares to that nice Yorkshire vet
for creatures, he's best great and small, that is
But dont shake his hand, lest FG] I almost ruptured my throat laughing at that !
Yours ends up all slimy and wet... eeeeewwww.....
One Saturday in Piccadilly
I met a transvestite called Lily bit of a drag, though
She took me in hand
(Plus a minor brass band)
And then we... no, that would be silly
One night, while traversing Kings Cross,
Like a Rolling Stone gathering moss [invoking st dogmael]
A complete unknown
playing trombone
Said, 'Quite frankly I don't give a toss'
I think I've drunk too much 'Red Bull'
So my bladder is buzzing and full [FG] I've got the most *awful* image in my mind of someone OD-ing on RB...
My 'water' is pink
And it's starting to stink
I don't think I'm going to pull.
I'm morose, really down in the dumps
'Cos my willy has come out in lumps maintaining the base level
He is such a good dog Straining to get out of the mire....
He sits on the bog
But when he gets to the sink, he just humps
Sinatra was once heard to say
I'm proud that I did things my way
Though I cheated and cussed
Was my hair ever mussed? Have I missed an obvious song-led rhyme here?
and the Mafia augmented my pay
Bruce Forsythe enjoyed a good game [penelope] Not that I made intentionally, no :)
'Though his wig received all the acclaim
It did a small jig
Then grew very big
Now it's taken the star role in 'Mame'
My friend is called Pudsey the Bear (topical)
We go round to children in care
And give them a thrashing Children in Need? Why can't they stay in bloody need? That's not me talking btw - it's a quote from the Fast Show...
With feathers, not bashing ... Which sounds a little like the sentences imposed on murderers, rapists etc. meted out by my local judiciary system.... (tucks occasional right wing tendencies over tender left wing and flies off.)
It's a smash when it goes out on air! Or the S4C primetime highlight: "Children In Neath"
I'm a big fan of Children in Neath
And of Ladyboys in Cowdenbeath
The Teenagers in Frome
Have been swept to their doom
And Looe Pensioners all have false teeth.
Suspected of fiddling with boys,
And playing with cudd-er-ly toys,
Here soundeth the klaxon
For that idiot Jackson (forced)
Whose 'hanging' created some 'noise'.
[Angus Prune] Forced? Forced???!!! Au contraire, it was a gift! Carefully planned and skilfully made!! If you don't like it, then don't take it! ;o)
Caref'ly planned and skillf'ly made
And usually cheerf'ly displayed
Was the head of a moose
Which hung from a noose
Keeping fresh thanks to plenty of shade.
While practising a quite tricky stunt
With my neighbor, good old Allen Funt
I fell in a trap
Constructed of scrap
Which proved that I'm simply a runt.
This first line's a bit lame, it's true,
And for the third, better must do.
But to make matters worse
This entire piss-poor verse
Has ended up blocking the loo.
Lets try Jackson now in the press !
It's clear that his face is a mess a couple of tracks short of an album, if you ask me.
And as for the songs
Well - they right no wrongs
String him up ! Lynch him ! Kill him ! YES YES!!!
Let's all get together and sing
A hymn to The Great Blob of Tring
samn - simulposted! Of the relative merits of 'bling'
Bifurcating: Whose one saving grace/The rocks and the gold
Is the look on His face / Are a sight to behold
And the merriment that it will bring. hoping I have covered both possibilities neatly in one line. :-)
The chance that was too good to miss
Ended up being seized by the Swiss
The Americas Cup
And the chance to throw up!
Hang on. Are you taking the p*ss?
/ Jeez - that sure made limer-sense. Ah well - onwards and upwards ...
Chalky - Whilst cooking in loco parentis
(Mom*ma had gone off to the dentist)
I put on the gas
And shook my yas-yas (obscure 1930s southern US slang declared)
And proved I was non compas mentis.
[Tina] Good call.!
I sit in my nice padded cell
And giggle, as I ring my bell
But the imps and the pixies
Try to tell me that six is
Seven, and eight is aswell
I know how to carbonate tea
And how to select the best Brie
But what's got me stumped
is how come I got dumped
And why she picked a she over me
While eating a plateful of turkey.
Along with some bits of old jerky
I started to wonder
About having a chunder
and that's why the fish tank's all murky.
For Christmas I want in my stocking
A hoist, to facilitate docking
Though the fit may be tight,
It will be all right
bah! simulpost My prospects just might [forcing bifurcatory dénouement]
[Thos] I'll slide it in with careful rocking. [Chalky] Avoid the scene getting too shocking.
Bifurcation can be very tricky
And if you're not careful, quite sticky.
But if one can reverse
In a Mercedes hearse
One can refurcate in Billericay.
Dear Santa, I'd like a new hearse Stealing pen's hearse theme as I like it! (hope you don't mind!)
'Cause my death wish is getting much worse
If you can't manage that
I'll just bury the cat
And then, when it's dead, write a verse.
I read in the papers today
Mutant Llamas are heading our way!
So let's board up our houses
And gird up our trousis oblig.
Fall to our knees and just pray
The only way to success
In this game we call "Mornington Cresc.",
Is so closely guarded
Because it's bombarded
By the bloodsucking hounds of the Press.
Out bowling with old Tony Blair,
I stamped on his foot for a dare
He said "Listen, mush"
Nobody but Bush (a gift)
Ever gets to touch me just there! Oh, the satire of it all.
I ache for the touch of your lips (dear)
But much more for some good fish and chips (sorry)
smothered in salt
and vinegar malt
rubbed in wounds that are left by your whips. accepting Kim's invitation
I stimulate this piece of dough
I'm podgy, lethargic and slow this is only verse, you understand...
And so when I stroke More "t" in simulate, Vicar?
The fat, stodgy bloke Try and keep this clean please?
I'm confident nothing will grow I did my best...
When eating a bucket of rice
Try saying "janitor" - twice
I'll lay odds your tongue
will foul the dipthong dodgy, dodgy...
and it won't look (or sound) very nice.
I don't think too much of this groove
And I fear that my mood won't improve
so perhaps I should leave
I've no wish to deceive
This guide showing *me round the Louvre
Now the Christmassy season is here
I'm up to my eyes in false cheer Bah, humbug
Is it only me
Who gets Yule Anomie Look that one up - Nasty !
Den Watts, Anne Robinson and Germaine Greer?
[Pogle]Not in the dictionary!
My English has gone all to pot
Bad language is all that I've got
I swear and I curse
I blaspheme and much worse
I've started to talk like a Scot
Despite having only one thumb - [chuckle at Software :-)]
And only one cheek to my bum (thx, Chalks ;-)
In fact, no left half
And a lopsided laugh
I blame it on my right-wing mum.
The circus is coming to town! (Splendidly surreal, that one.)
I think I'll dress up as a clown!
And then, with this axe,
I'll land a few whacks
On anyone wearing a gown
When working with HTML,
One summons things arcane and fell
Like "nbsp"
And things you can't see ...
would not to your best friend tell
A government study has found
We're really quite hard to astound.
MP's we don't trust
Prescott's nose I will bust
Unless of course Prince Charles gets crowned
(referring to the second line rather than the fourth)
Though usually dazed and confused,
Last night I was more than bemused
By the folks on my street
All singing "tweet tweet"
Whilst using my 'phone, which is orange
And being so highly enthused. Ignoring Mr Jimmi's rather unorthodox rhyming convention, there
Coherent in thought, word and print,
- If you are, you'll be earning a mint
Your wage will be herbs
If you screw up your verbs
and you'll be out on your neck at a sprint
While watching a video of Paris
I swore I'd glimpsed Anita Harris
But actually it's
A set of her bits
And a bare naked view of 'er 'arris
I've not been around for a while
As you'll see if you look in my file.
In fact, I've been shaking
My booty, and making
A fortune by flashing my smile.
Hooray. What perfect scansion that one had!
Joe Public just hasn't a clue
'Bout the plan to submerge London Zoo
For the canal will be dammed
And an hippopotamus rammed
In an effort to clean up its poo. coat
Some carollers came down our way
"Penny for the song" they all started to say
"For 2p we'll just go"
"And for 3p, we'll show..."
"what happens inside Santa's sleigh."
I did all my laundry today (Almost true, even)
. My whites were getting quite gray.
But a sneaky blue sock
ruined the whole f******g lot!
Dunno what my missus will say! been there, done that...
One day I went fishing for bass.
Instead, I hooked a bold lass
she'd dipped in the buff
And had just had enough poised...
Of the plaice so I floundered a pass
Pray silence to mark our respect [st d] classy!
For a thing that is very erect
It stands out proud
and attracts quite a crowd
It's said to have a healing effect
While in a nativity play
(When the shepherds had knelt down to pray)
Mary let out a scream
When she stood up, a bream
Was revealed, still alive, in the hay.
Poor Joseph was shocked to the core
When he found what the donkey was for
"You just lift the tail
It'll fill up a pail
If you tickle his balls he'll do more
An angel, by the name of Trevor
Oh buttons, how did that happen ?
An angel, by the name of Trevor
Used to work whatever the weather pronounced "wever" :-)
His wings might get chilly,
But never his willy,
all swathed in its loin cloth of leather.
It's festive, it's bright, and it's gay
It's the New Santa! Now on his way
To deliver your gift
'tho he is pis't
and likely to 'total' his sleigh...
Christmas parties are dangerous things
For married men take off their rings!
There's no way of knowing
What seeds they are sewing.
25 hours of stunned silence - a mercy killing is obviously needed:
(when lining up their New Year flings)
disclaimer: the sentiments expressed above do not represent my personal viewpoint and I would like to assure the readers that faithful husbands were not used [or even stitched up] in the making of that last limerick :-)
Wrapping up presents is fun
A ball and some slippers, a gun... in the form of a list, y'see
..a hanky and socks
...some ears just like Spocks,
And a bottle of rosé Blue Nun.
Why, Grandma, it's just what I wanted!
Is what I would have said - but I grunted
'Twas all I could manage
On that day in Swanage (it doesn't rhyme, I know)
After a kiss from my old transvestite aunt Ted
The sexton said to the vicar
(Who reacted with naught but a flicker)
"Which way do you lean .. [UNfinished quote alert]
because you see I'm quite keen careful, now...
To make your silk vestments look slicker.
Twas the night before Christmas, it's said,
While all the good folk were a'bed,
That Santa's wee elves
make friendly spells
for sugarplums and gingerbread. (ignoring Fridge's blatant mixing of tenses)
Sesquipedalianism
essentially, verbosity driven
Makes people, in herds
(Whose brains are like bird's)
Feel their corpus callosum is riven.
I saw David Beckham last week
I gave his left butt cheek a tweak
It came off in my hand
which was not what I'd planned
so next week I'm in front of the beak. One wonders what Victoria would say - if she actually realized, that is.
One has to be cruel to be kind ... sigh
So here is a piece of my mind
I'm sick of your moods,
and your Chopin Preludes
Hence I'll play by myself and go blind ... I'm leaving
Cette sauce d'haute qualité
qui contient d'la merde rechauffée
est un petit peu drolle
nous sommes a l'ecole?
Bien sur - comme vous avez gouté!
Vous avez le Knockwurst chez vous?
Aber nein doch, das geb' ich nicht zu
Mais, ce grand saucisson?
*no "?" intended*
dont l'odeur est si bon
Damnit teach me to spend a long time reading before posting...
Das ist Bratwurst nicht Knockwurst, (qui pue !)
What's wrong with plain English I ask?
Mon Dieu! Nous sommes taken to task.
Mais j'ai peur that I'm stuck
Und Ich hab nicht mehr luck
Et je veux's Nächstenmal we speak Basque.
- oh, sorry
Last night as I went off to bed
, a polka dot scarf on my head,
I tripped on a stair
Landing on Tony Blair
Now I'm in Belmarsh until I am dead!
The trouble with children today
Is they don't kneel down and pray
When asking permission
to indulge in coition
They say "No, you big perv, go away"
When the Crescenters arrive at rab,
They find it all dreary and drab poetic licence. Not true, rab sweetie.
With colours insipid - second application for poetic license
Walls all strippéd - can it really be this bad?
But I'm joking -- it's really ab fab!
I know all the secrets of love
When to wriggle, when to roll, when to shove.
But this illness, I fear
Was brought on by beer
so I'm flacid and won't fit like a glove
My fingers are feeling quite sore Make of it what you will...
For I got them trapped in the door
It could have been worse
For I got the nurse
To kiss them and wrap them - and more!
I once knew a man from Northants
who cooked a stew made of old pants
with dumplings like lead
And an old cabbage head
all garnished with microwaved ants.
One day I'll stop starting the rhyme
start stopping - now is the time
When future and past
Turn to present, at last
Was and will be starstopting sublime.
It's been a stop/start kind of day
Iv'e been casting my glances away
, The kind where there's simply no way
oops simulpost. Ignore mine.
Too late, It's been captured online
On balance, we'll go with Zarbenia
It's been a stop/start kind of day
I've been casting my glances away
where shall I go?
'Cos I simply don't know
How to finish this in a clever way
The trouble with being so clever
Is you can't keep your thoughts all together
They prance and cavort
Way odd in an of sort
Thus scuppering scansion endeavour [ZK - what were you thinking of?] :-)
The trouble with aardvarks is this:
(Trust me, I'm not taking the piss) [Chalky - the 2nd line of the limerick, naturally :)]
Alphabetically
they're tops, if trickily Do I read you right, Chalks?
served under hot melted Swiss.
My belt hardly fits round my waist!
All due to a turkey's great taste
The magic of 'tatoes
Purchased from Waitrose Best I could do. (PP) "Taters" would have been easier.
And eaten with indecent haste
In the post-Christmas, pre-New Year gap [Rosie] I thought of "And - yikes! - up my weight goes" for the 4th line above, but decided against it.
The TV has rather less pap. (Kim) No worse than mine! I tried to think of the chemical name for various sugars, eg lactose, fructose, sucrose etc but the neurons had congealed. Alas!
Though there's no more The Office
The ISIHAC sophis- (-try, -ticated, -m, etc.)
-ticates will say 'bah' to the crap.
There once was a girl called Sally
A 'bush baby' born in the mallee
Her chief claim to fame Wossa "mallee", Duj?
Was a deep source of shame
For the dark deed she'd done in the alley.
There once was a playwright called Will
Who said that he'd had his fill unfinished sentence alert..
So with a groan and a sigh
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Want to play? Online Crescenteering lives on at Discord