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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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I would prance like an elf
Casting spells at myself
And play Mahler on the bassoon
A wonderful sight to behold
Is rab (or so I am told)
But snorgle, however
(when clad all in leather)
Makes poor Uncle Korky feel old I'm just asking for trouble, aren't I?
[snorgle] Sounds like I owe your source a fiver.

It seems pen's asking for trouble

As I'm not quite as old as my double
aside [rab] Can't bring yourself to write pen is on your own site to make it scan, eh? Why on earth not? ;o)
But the double I've seen is
[pen] Um... I was drinking a cup of tea at the time, which threw my scansion into disarray. Obviously.
Now on The Tweenies invoking dubious rhyme
And now my double is double bubble
Whilst walking one day in Bangkok
I happened upon Doctor Spock -- Keeping it clean; well, so far. :-)
I asked his advice
About pubic lice Sorry, Dujon, couldn't resist
And then "Got the time on ya, cock?"
Eurovision's come round again!
So let's have a big hand for Spain
'Cos they know how to dance
So much better than France
And list'ning to Norway's a strain
And talking of strain:
My diet is lacking in fibre a nice easy rhyme...
My innards now flow like the Tigre
It's not at all funny
Why can't it be runny?
And it's really not fun for my wiper. [I'm the Prince of Wales y'know]
I'm in dire need of good advice!
About the cost of herb and spice
For I make pot pourri
And I brew it like tea.
Does it work to eradicate lice?
Tonight, in the Big Brother House
There will be an arrogant louse
Who claims to know
That Anouska will go
OK, make that That Scott will soon go (who is from Liverpool)
But will he talk or is he a mouse.
sorry forgot a line.
Is it fair to talk of mice and men?
D'no. Good question Pen'.
Why not speak of blatant floozies?
Or of Tommy guns and Uzis
Or of when we'll have lim'ricks again sorry, sorry -- I'm not usually a CAMREL activist ... but we are setting new records here. I don't think any of those lines scans appropriately for a limerick.
In the quest for new methods of scansion
< Mode= Huff >Oi, Oi, Oi!!! My line goes thus
Is it fair to talk of mice and men... and I really don't see a problem with that or with any of the other lines.
OTH, you are entitled to your opinion, but in your haste to make a point, you have chosen a line in which you have had to delete a syllable to make it scan. Perhaps you can now start us off on a suitable new scheme? ;o) < / Huff>
We now return to our regular schedule... sorry to interrupt Uncle K, but I was simulposted.
[pen] I really don't want to start another scansion war; god knows we have had enough of these. And I agree (and almost said, and should have said) that your line was ok except for the peculiar stress on a preposition. (Maybe you meant to set a limerick in which we would contrast talking of mice and men with talking to them? :-) ) But the other lines ... I'm sorry, but even with a lot of squeezing and twisting, they really can't be made to work. And, yes, I deleted a syllable. So what?
Each line becomes prone to expansion
The longer they get [pen] To be fair, I read your opener about 12 times and couldn't get it to fit what I consider a limerick pattern. But as CdM says, we don't want to go down the road of another scansion war (see the York archives for what happens when things get really ugly).
The less well they vet
And it all gets too ugly to mantion </scansion war> <pararhyme war> ...
If you find yourself short of a rhyme
Or your syllables all out of time
Don't panic - just doodle
Or suck on a noodle
Or large Gin with tonic and lime
Hurrah!

When pen's full of derring and do

s'funny, smells more like some poo. sorry Pen...
No, in better light.. unfinished sentence alert
the resemblance to shite
Is this lim'rick. Now what shall we do?
I once had a haddock called frank
That I'd use to give children a spank
The fish didn't mind
Hitting a behind Yes, the maroon windbreaker. Thankye.
cause he laughs all the way to the bank.
"Stop thief!" came the cry from the bank
said the man who was driving a tank
Quite why he should yell
well, no-one could tell
but I suppose we've New Labour to thank
Jonny Ball's a strange man on TV UK TV that is... I first remember him on Playschool.
He said "Think of a number!" to me I always enjoyed his programmes!
In refusing his game I wanted the car off choc-a-block
I was only to blame Johnny Ball is a great man, and it is a tribute to him and to the dire state of contemporary children's TV that he would never make it today, on account of being over 12.
For the subsequent puddle of wee
It doesn't take a genius, you know
to be able to write in the snow continuing the theme
but calligraphy
Whilst having a pee oblig, really.
May result in a word overflow
That President Bush is so smart!
He gave Saddam Hussein quite a LART! LART = Luser Attitude Readjustment Tool, e.g. a sledgehammer.
but Saddam's disappeared,
behind a big beard
And Osama Bin Laden's a tart lame, I know. *shrug*
I'm so sorry, the news isn't good
But we did everything that we could
The defibrilator
was unable to cater
For a heart that was made out of wood
A ride on the night bus to Romford
Is a journey devoid of all comford [Yeah? Yeah? Wanna make something of it?]
You part with your fare
travel as far as you dare
Then leap off and dash home just like Tom would [well - that's what HE told me and I have no reason to doubt him]
On moving to Nik's shiny server
We could scarcely contain our great fervour
Our bookmarks are updated
Download time truncated
We're finally off that Bluecurve-r.
D'oh! Forgot the bold!
DrQu+xum is a forgetful chap
That's why he suffered this mishap:
He left out a tag
But tags aren't my bag (qua pantsmc)
He'll get it right next time, mayhap.
Ignore not the rules of scansion
Whether trochees, iambs or dipthong
When being quiet anal
When being quite anal obviously, although quiet anal possibly deserves some examination as a concept
Complaints are morainal (OK, I used Rhymezone to find that one.)
So fill out your lines with aplomb.
A game of Celebrity Shares
Will attract the bulls and the bears
The trading is brisk [a gift of a rhyming opportunity]
But better not risk
All your assets. (But frankly - who cares?)
While walking to work in the rain
I danced as I felt quite insane
[Bifurcating]I felt like Gene Kelly/I jumped in a puddle
(as opposed to George Melly) / found a stranger to cuddle
And sang out THAT well-known refrain / Then suggested acts base and profane [oo-er]
The day you install a new bath
Should be marked by drinking a swift half,
But - beer or bathwater?
Should I drink? Well I oughtta - weren't expecting that eh?
Before I go down the bath path
To make the best beef and veg. stew,
First kill your cow. Then take two
Bushels of sweet potatoes
Fry them on a hotplate, close
The oven, wait, serve, spear and chew - I like the creative scansion going on here!
I once met a young plain-clothes nun
Disguised as Attila The Hun
Yet I (to my shame)
Thought she was on the game
Now Attila the Nun's on the run!
I got caught out today in the rain
With an outcome of very great pain
I was poked in the eye
And was told "Get me dry!"
By the great and irate Michael Caine
I wonder where porcupines sleep?
On cliffs? In a cave? In the deep?
Laying still and supine
(All their quills must align)
Else the prickles will tickle their feet.
Be careful when you knock on doors
Especially in the Azores
You just never know
You'll find on the loo
P'raps Andrea or Jim from The Corrs... some well dodgy rhyming going on there!
Do the light bulbs need changing in here?
Who'll do it? And what's their career?
The task is quite tricky
The end might be sticky
Let's just put it off till next year.
Awww... and I thought someone would pick up on my feed line re: How many (people of a particular walk of life) does it take to change a lightbulb?
Uncle Korky is feeling let down [mea culpa]
And Chalky a bit of a clown
Our lim'ricks lack wit
Our rhyming is crap
So it's good that our scansion is sound
Penance complete! Further self-flagellation not required! :-)
Take a deep breath, and let yourself go
down to London on a very slow
train, that breaks down
In a Devonshire town
Just south of Westward Ho
Now, not wishing to come over all Westcountry on you... I believe Mr Ho is in Somerset, not Devon...
Not that that need preclude somewhere lying just south of that. And in any case if moi geographee be nart in the roight koinda areahh, there's definartlee one ah them thassavam exclumashion markie jarbies afer 'Ho'. Oh God I wish I hadn't grown up in Carrrnwalll...
Westward Ho! is indeed in North Devon. The main failing in the above the the absence of a railway line in the area Ho! Hum!
Calamity! Apologies for the drunken outpourings. That'll learn me.
Let's draw the line under that then :-)
Geographical know-how is fine [but....]
But where would you all like to dine?
I know a good spot
Where it won't cost a lot
Though I hope you enjoy drinking brine
I got lost on my way in to work
My boss will think I'm on the shirk
But my caravanette
Is slippy and wet
I went tits-up and felt a right berk
That evening, I felt a right tit
It was soft, warm and round, though a bit
droopy, although
I would like to know
Which girl was the owner of it.
Some men have remarkable breasts [hmmm . . must be open season on lewd sauciness - PantsMC is similarly obsessed. I blame Darren]
Which show when the geezers wear vests [I don't think I'm particularly lewd or saucy. Not compared to most other people, anyway. In what way should the lewdness and sauciness be curtailed? Any suggestions?]
You're not. T'was a joke.
Such pendulous mounds [Nowt wrong with a touch of sauciness. It all depends on where the line that shouldn't be crossed lies, and that everyone is in agreement with it]
Should be hid, on the grounds
Of upsetting our VIP guests
They say we're all getting obese
But really we're just wearing fleece
On our stag nights we leap
right into the heap...
of roast lamb laced with oodles of grease.
The heat is still on Tony Blair
And his lying colleague Alistair
Now that wasn't quite true
What they claimed they could do
But at least they both tried, for a dare.
Forgive me - for asking you this . . .
Can you hold this while I have a p*ss
it is nothing rude!
although slightly chewed
But beware, it's a mess when I miss.
Whenever you start a new day
Take a deep breath and yell, "Hip Hooray!"
Then take off your pants
Check your recent implants
And your morals will then go astray
I lay myself down now to sleep
On this couch that I found going cheap
But the springs aren't quite right
I'll be up most the night
Installing the ones from my jeep
At lunchtimes, I eat quite a lot
from the buffet - both cold food and hot
My mid-afternoon snack
Matches my brown anorak
Which I flash in, more often than not.
I noticed, whilst having a shower,
That I'd developed my own super power
"Eureka," I cried
As I started to slide . . .oo-er
On the soap for at least half an hour
"She said she was nineteen, yer honour
If I'd known, I would not have lain on her
And bumped up and down (very highbrow!)
And spun round and round
It was later I knew t'was Madonna
It's a 'rollover' weekend again
And so I shall be stripping for men
And then let them grope
In the misguided hope
*with a great effort of will, resists temptation to post line ending in "pen"*
That their fumblings'll score ten out of ten. [CdM - am assuming that the above isn't line 5]
The outcome is certain, that's true [CdM] You're too kind :o)
A bed made especially for two Ooer, missus
With a whip and a rope I'm in a funny mood..;)
Plus some carbolic soap [snorgle :-)]
And a drop of the best superglue.
If you wear a hat, you should know
That it brings you nothing but woe
For when the wind blows
From your head off it throws
Thereby leaving your bald patch on show.
Whilst driving a red Kia Pride
I found a dead body inside
It stank to high heaven
So I drove down to Devon
Where 'twas easier than Oxford to hide.
I do hope that I am not overstepping the line
Oh no! I've done it again!
I've been caught 'below decks' with a WReN
She gave her consent
When our passion was spent
To reveal all I knew to the men.
In an effort to be more appealing
I have plastered myself to the ceiling
From this lofty abode
O'er the family Spode
I would welcome a cup of darjeeling [very Lewis Carroll]
All above - muddy rarvellous!
A mishap while I hoovered the floor
Caused the hoover to suck up the door
The windows and walls
and even my smalls
not to mention my Greenwing Macaw
It's rainy and windy and wet well in Cardiff, anyway, and I'm going to damn well make you all suffer as well!
No respite from that curry, as yet Terrible thing, IBS...
I can still smell the sauce
'Cos I'm farting in Morse sorry people - Uncle K's fault :-)
So best dash, Dot, in case it should set
They say that it's rude to stare
But I really don't care
Also, I smell
Like the cesspits of Hell
'Cause I bathed in yak's milk for a dare [Darren - that's your second smelly third line!]
I suffer from awful BO
You'll smell it wherever I go [That's my third!]
My pox scabs are rotting [Darren - shame - I was feeding you a third line and we simulposted]
And my groin is hotting [Hint: up]
up by the hour, it's gonna blow!! [rab - hint taken, v subtly done :-)]
I cannot believe it's not butter
is not easy to say with a stutter
So I'll spread it with jam
Or bake it with ham
Or beat it at golf with a putter.
I appear to be missing a ball
Said Adolph Hitler, to us all
I'll take one of Goering's
Cute spherical nose-rings
And clip it to Eva Braun's shawl.
I don't like the way that it sounds
When love-making strays out of bounds
And I'm in the next room
On top of a broom
But at least for divorce I have grounds
I'm a hundred and twenty today!
So unless I drop dead
Oh dear - taking rudeness to faint new depths...*Don't I deserve head?*
Before I waste slowly away [Don't be coy, pen - I'm sure we were all thinking the same :-)]
Nothing wrong with a bit of bawdiness.
That's not a limerick line, btw
Now bawdiness just ain't my style lies, lies and more lies ;o)
We'll leave that to Chalky and Kayl
They prefer, so it's said,
To say this instead:
"I love how you shunt as I strile" (Have I had Kayl's pronounciation wrong all this time - i took it to rhyme with shale...? No criticism intended, just curious!)
[blamelewis] I was never too sure, myself, but decided that Kayl is the only MC player I could think of whose name might rhyme, so I used a bit of limeretic licence. And are you telling me your name isn't pronounced bla-melloo-iss?

It's high time that I wrote a first line

You did a good job - that one's fine!
The next one is bad
The fourth one is trad
And this last? Just call it asinine!
Today I must trim all my warts
So I can look good in my shorts
The one on my heel
Is starting to feel
Like the ball from a basketball court.
I come back to England tonight Really! First lot of Fish n' Chips for 4 months! Can't wait!
Proving that I'm not that bright
What's more, I will wear
The pelt of a bear
And thus be a nightmarish sight Sorry to do 3rd and 5th, but this one had lain around for far too long
just an observation - limericks that begin with an 'actual' first-person experience are always tricky to follow . . .
Whenever the clock chimes, I wonder
Which cities I'll ravish and plunder
For at 12.59,
I think its the time,
To steal, pillage and wrent asunder
It's a hundred degrees in the shade
And commuters' tempers are frayed
For instant relief
Penelope Keith
Is free, in the Penny arcade.
When Valéry Giscard d'Estaing
Goes out to buy six petits pains
There's not enough argent
To feed him and his sergeant Pronunciation? What's that then?
Aujourdhui et demain au matin.
My legs have just melted away
With my third hit of acid today
A purple giraffe
Has invaded my gaff
Which I wasn't expecting 'til May
I've married my step-son's third cousin
Tongues are wagging nineteen to the dozen
The consanguintee
(See the family tree)
Did not vote for Anders Fogh Rasmussen
(That's the prime minister of Denmark, as you know.)
If Ricky had've lost that number . . . bbcR2 playing here
We'd be up to our ears in old lumber
But Ricky is just
Earning a crust
Aboard that knackered old boat on the Humber . . . thought I'd administer a swift but humane killing. Ricky obviously didn't capture imaginations. Moving swiftly on . . .
Emblazoned across the wall
Are the words, "This is nothing at all"
"There is nothing to see"
"If you don't pay a fee"
But fork out and the sight will appall
Nasturtiums are an edible bloom lovely in salads!
Which are currently enjoying a boom
But pansies, they say
Will make you turn gay This is one of those oblig ones, isn't it
And a tulip's a portent of doom.
A great metropolitan man
Alighted the train at East Ham
He walked several miles
Towards Chalfont St Giles
And declared Mrs Trellis a sham
I'm not taking prisoners today
I will eat all who get in my way
"Any chance of a fork?"
I asked of a dork
Then I tucked into him straight-away!
When exposing a snake in the grass
Be careful you act with some class
Otherwise, keep it schtum
By inserting your thumb
And heading it off at the pass
It's painful to make the admission
That your power is from nuclear fission
But it's safer than coal
But on the whole
just leave it to your electrician
Garden sparrows, wrens, finches and tits
Can all be assembled from kits
Using small bits of wire
And an old rubber tyre
And a car engine, taken to bits.
The beauty of avian construction
Is the match of its form to its function
You must get this right
For the things to take flight
Lest they plummet on down to destruction.
The terrible thing about crows
Is that I've got three stuck up my nose
They peck at my eyes
Unbutton my flies
and crap all over my toes
My budgie looks terribly strange
I think it's got some sort of mange
It's purple and green
It's lost all its sheen
And it's singing "Oh, Home on the Range"
To make sense of the birds and the bees
one must crawl on one's hands and one's knees
And look for a clue
About what to do
Re. the mating behaviour of fleas
In Ottawa, during the blackout, (Just got back)
I got my adventuring pack out [UK] Love the last line of the budgie one.
My Leatherman tool
My good old slide rule
And a Packet of three (just about) My good old slide rule
It was just as the night turned to dawn
When I decided to blow on my horn
I woke up the neighbours
By tossing them cabers
I sell it as DIY porn
A spider just ran up my leg just to creep certain people out..:)
And left, in my knickers, an egg (there are certain recurring themes here...)
For warm incubating . . . assuming the knickers are warm
And the chance of creating
Thousands of spiders - oh smeg!
A wasp laid its eggs in my foot
Then stung me, the ungrateful brute What is this? David Cronenberg Limerick hour? yeuugh...
[blamelewis] I'll spare you "There are maggots infesting my brain" then.
Its progeny hatched - Does Software not know about the magic of the >b< tag?
>b< even.
I give up.
and were swiftly despatched . . . having problems Darren? hehehe.
By a blow to the head from my boot - How about the magic <b> tag, Darren? - I find it works better :)
With killer bugs eating my face,
I sprayed myself well with some Mace
Then to cut out the pain
I cut out my brain
And replaced it with Chantilly lace . . . like you do :-)
Thus spake Zarathrustra (to me):
"It's lovely to be a Parsee"
For when you are dead
You get breakfast in bed
and in mid-afternoon, you get tea.
"Ecce homo!" he cried to the crowd
"How dare you?" I replied aloud
He said, "Ooh get her!"
Then his fists were a blur
Thus to prove his manhood and stand proud.
With a deafening cry of "Eureka!"
Duncan Smith took a swing at the Speaker.
He took up the Mace
Wiped the egg off his face
And became the Commons' first streaker.
I've run up a slate at the bar
As a Silk this is just about par.
Then I ran down a bike,
Ran into a dyke,
Which won't take my career very far slack... but a mercy killing.
The rich make their to Cancun
Gah! YES! let's try again..
The rich make their way to Cancun
The poor remain stuck in Rangoon
And that's where they'll stay
'Til they make their way
to their graves, with their rice bowl and spoon.
There's nothing like bright merry laughter
For post-coital gloom the day after
So tickle me pink
With a blinky wink wink
On the other hand - just go and shaft 'er. - COAT!!!
Oh, dear! I appear to be dead.
I wish I was living instead.
I should not have jumped
Can I claim I was bumped?
Or I sleepwalked off of Beachy Head?
Your Honour, the verdict is clear.
And I tell you, without any fear
The defendant's a duck
At him throw the book
- he's guilty of rhymes worse than Lear. phew!
The trouble with Britain today
Is the Gummint won't do things my way
If I were dictator
I'd sort out this state, or
sulk, pout and call you all "Gay"!
The head of Alfredo Garcia
Is, sadly, now missing an ear
It got pulled right off
By a dodgy old toff
Who'd had far to many crates of Beer
Announcing my can-di-da-cy,
I'd like to become an MP
I've reached the right weight
Appeared on 'Blind Date'
And now, Captain Peacock, I'm free-eee
Alighting the train in Pristina
I met a cute girl called Christina
She was going my way
(and we did have all day)
But all she would drink was Ribena
The best way to piss off a rhino
Is to tweak him and call him a wino
Then pull down your pants
Do the St Vitus dance
Mind the horn, though 'cos it can be final! (employing "Cockney Cheeky Chappy" convention)
While out in the bush, hunting dik-dik,
I ran from a snake, very quik-quik
However, the beetle
Though not eating meat'll
Still make a bloke feel quite sick-sick.
Let's all go and moon David Blaineyarr..
Yes! We could meet up on the train! Arrr!!
We'll stand in a line Avast! what a sight we be! Yarrr!
And drink buckets of Wine
And drop all our pants in the rain
[Sorry to hog two lines, but I have to know...]
Will somebody kindly explain
The point of this tit, David Blaine
Is it just show biz
Does anyone know? Is
It worth bringing him up again?
If you swallowed him bring him up quick!
He'll be right if you make yourself sick!
Your face went quite red
At the mention of Fred
Have you eaten him too, you great prick? - I'll be needing that coat after all.
Well, now that I've broken my wrist - and will be in agonising pain for the next 4-6 weeks thanks to some idjit learner driver...
You'll be spared the caress of my fist[MF] Commiserations. Sue!
And the way that I pass
my hand over your ass sorrysorrysorry - I don't know what's come over my this morning ...
To fondle your sebaceous cyst - yughk ! [pen] Don't call Martha, Sue, he doesn't like it.
I hate that I've become a mute I've still got no voice!
But still I am sexy and cute
The sight of my curves
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