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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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Performed with eclat
Just bowls me right off of my trike.
We listen; we keep a straight face
As Bush pronounces "nuclear race"
But we can't hide a grin
At George's chagrin
When, mid-sentence, he loses his place
There once was a writer from Wrab
Who wrote of lives dreary and drab
These sorry commuters
On sorrier scooters
Since long they had left in a cab....
There was an old man from Nantucket
With no worldly goods but a bucket
At the bottom of which
Lay a kitten, named Titch,
People gaped at how far he could chuck it.
Do I win £5 for not finishing with "f*ck it"?
*splutters tea into her keypad*
While wand'ring around B & Q (ISP) Only if you can prove that you would not have used that asterisk.
I searched high and low for a screw
Just one, on its own
Or two-- one to loan--
But multipacks is all that they do. Bloody irritating. In the old days, one could go to the local ironmonger, but they have all gone to the wall. Grumble, moan.....
I grumble and moan and complain
That my wife is the cause of my pain
But her skill at defining
My incessant whining
Is proof that she has half a brain
Half a brain is better than none
Why just ask a zombie, my son
Why not ask Tony Blair
He's the brain of a hare
And Mad Hatter all rolled into one
“Hey you, please get up and get dressed,”
Called chef to a bare turkey breast
But the breast did not answer
The culinary chancer
Who was mad, as you may well have guessed. . . . weird . . .
"Oh Gwendolyn please get my helmet,"
I said as I painted the pelmet good luck...
And read from Wyrd Sisters
While piercing my blisters This is really stupid - someone put it out of its misery, please!
Where my heels and my shoes had just met Now moving swiftly on...
I stay in the poshest hotels
With the Bishop of Bath and of Wells
We share a hot tub [Chalky] In my defence, I invoked Wyrd Sisters only because it pointed to the only other rhyme for "helmet" I could think of (Duke Felmet).
Eat room service grub- [PJ] Not you, m'dear - it was yet another opening line in speech marks I was railing against :-)
And play Beatles songs on our handbells.
The Bishop has got a big dong
It's not nearly so wide as it's long
When he puts it on show
The sharp end does glow
And choirboys keep singing their song... Oh Gwendolyn please get my helmet, I said as we swung from the pelmet, And while we’re up here, I’ll lay you my dear, And use my baldhead if you’re unmet….
The sign in the window: "A vendre"
Which I took as a double entendre
I based my suspicions
On other omissions
Elle repose á la fenetre se détendre
There are discs; some are hard, some are floppy
There are bisques, some with lard, that are sloppy
I like to compare
The two, although they're
As diverse as a rose and a poppy
Horticultural savvy is fine
When it comes to a Wisteria vine
But it won't help you change
Your opinion on mange
Though it helps with a glass of red wine.... (Noah, one of our first Horticulturists taught us the tricks of enjoying garden life!)
Escaping conventional thoughts
Requires a dozen blue cots
One handful of brainwaves
A few music staves
And an infinite number of noughts.
'S not easy to grasp Relativity
And that is a shame, quite a pity
For the concept of time
Is bent, like this rhyme
To which I have quite a proclivity
Tonite I must polish my Harley
With a lettuce and syrup of barley
I find that the shine
On that Fat Boy of mine
Leights up the whall Rhondda Vaali.
Expenditure budgeted well
Is joyous, so I ring my bell
For fiscal propriety (Projoy) God, that's boring. :-)
Brings people satiety
By making life as boring as hell
Actuarial recalculations
Have declared that in Europe all nations run on . . .
Are living too long
And, therefore, must pong
So let's have some deodoration
(Sorry, missed off the S.)
Freight loadings are 5% up!
That's great, now I'll by a Pick-up!
But freight on the rail
Arrives on the nail
- Allows you to stay home and sup
Your lips are as shiny as honey
But don't make for me any money
So go on the game
But assume a false name
I swear I'll be proud of you, sonny.
In Canada, dollars and dimes
Are slang for the tariffs for crimes
Sow your oats and do porridge
Only eat what you forage
And gamble the proceeds betimes [SMith] That was SUCH a funny last line :-)
It's time for 'objectives' and 'plans'
Writ in Powerpoint with Comic Sans
With sliding transitions
Of your fiscal ambitions
Or you'll find yourselves driving white vans.
"The better to see you with, dear,"
"My, my! You've a wonderful rear"
"The left half is quite..."
"....neat, unlike the right"
"I’ll just take a lick, have no fear!"
"Dear Gram, why your ears are so hairy"?
"Because I'm a lycanthrope, deary."
"So I'm one as well?"
"Yes, you'll go to hell."
And that was the end (well, in theory).
A long list of things I must do
Leaves me no time to care about you
No matter that your
Foot's nailed to the floor
And you're bursting to go to the loo
A shortlist of people to see
Is something I'll write you for free
And if you've got time
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