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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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'Twas then that the flood did commence
And swept the menagerie hence
Alas, few could swim
So Noah sang out a hymn
To save all from a damp consequence
But it fell on deaf ears, floods increased
The rain, though, had long ago ceased I'm sure there's a hydrological explanation.
Then the crocodile pair
Emerged from their lair
To size up the animal feast!
Hors d'oeuvre was a Hamster En Croute
With a garnish of fricasséed newt
And a cherry coulis
A glass of cat's pee
And little dungballs en mazout.
With years left in prison to serve, - Unfinished sentence alert..
Hussein has lost none of his verve
He still sings the blues
Having nothing to loose
And writes fan mail to Catherine Deneuve
Whilst disinfecting the loo
I noticed the pee left by Pooh
'T was all over the seat
And it covered my feet
I can't potty train him; can you?
I'm gaming with each of your minds
By undressing with open blinds
Exposing my Long-Johns,
[I'd put on the wrong ones] [Marc] thanks a bunch :-)
And showing my Oxfam shop finds
The higher you climb up the pole
The harder to reach your prime goal
Especially when
The bosses are men
, iguanas, or fillies in foal
Perfection is hard to achieve
Yet if I fail, then I must leave
, Commit hara-kiri,
The philosophical theory
That death will, less than failure, aggrieve.
Few people are practised at pottery
At the wheel I'm all shaky and tottery
Don't mention the glaze
I applied in a daze
Simul'ed - I had (And, my God, all those clays!)
The result at the end is a lottery
For seven and fourpence a week
One could dress quite remarkably chic
In 1908
But I fear that, of late,
You'd be kicked out of any boutique
I fear that disorder is rife
In the one-time Kingdom of Fife
The serfs in Fife's fiefs
Are revolting their chiefs
By offering the use of their wife
There's panic and fear on the streets!
They resound to the mob's trampling feets!
Setting buildings ablaze
And undoing their stays
And denouncing the works of John Keats.
The looters are seen on the telly
Raiding grocery shelves to steal jelly
Let's enforce martial law
And give them what for
For they have no casus belli.
It's Oat-en the open - those swine (unfinished sentence career alert)
Who escaped from the hog farm are mine! Waiting for cereal killer reference
[Both] I was shooting for a Lib Dem Homo affairs topic there, but no matter :)
We'll return now to order,
Redefining the border
Of what's pink and what's pork - so that's fine.
At dinner there's only one topic
Should the Liberals choose Lembit Öpik
Should we fear asteroids
Shall I take my steroids
Should we worry 'bout things microscopic?
To be continued....
Charles Kennedy - all is forgiven
We know why to drink you were driven.
Your bright ginger hair
The Lib Dems' shape? Pear
It makes your life hardly worth livin'
My niece tells me Campbell's a minger . . . . continuing the theme . . . .
She says I should give him the finger
But to play devil's A
Even dogs have their day
And give him his due, he's not ginger
A description I have of Chris Huhne
Mentions a Yellow Baboon - hope that rhymes???
As seen from the rear
He inspires great fear
That all of a sudden he'll moon. (SalPud) Well, not really, but I'll go along with it. :-)
Is the moon tonight waxing or waning?
No-one can say, 'cos it's raining
The raindrops that fall
Let me see b*gger all
Which is why I am loudly profaning.
The good folk of Maidenhead, Berks
Are known by their conspicuous quirks
'Cos their bland little town [F'staff] in UK 'Berks' is pronounced 'barks' for your future enlightenment
We have turned upside down [Software] what’s UK?
And moved up to Bromsgrove in Worcs.
I once hopped a train to Helsinki [i,R,B,p,P - nice] [Marc - United Kingdom. England et. al.]
Where I met a strange man (well, I think he...
Was strange and quite rude
Using language quite crude
Whilst flashing his wee willy winkie) well - I HAD to close the parentheses somehow, didn't I?
A terrible fellow called Lance
Was never invited to dance
His lumbering gait (penultimate Lim) - Catastrophe in F# for five voices, K627.
And his greasy bald pate
Forced rebuttals to any advance
Wolfgang Amadeus once said:
"I've got this great riff in my head".
It's Eine fine riff
But now Mozart's a stiff
His music is also quite dead.
Was Wolfgang Amadeus called "Mo"?
I think his fans all need to know.
For they are devout
When they hear his "The Trout" - Yeah, yeah, but what Mozart piece ends with "out"?
Which starts on Sol but ends on Doh. (Projoy) All trad jazz numbers end with an "out chorus", so-called.
In contrast, the "Trout", Schubert's best
Should be witnessed while wearing one's vest
Not to look dashing,
But rather, just flashing
The orchestra with your bare breast
[Rosie] I wasn't aware Mozart was involved with trad jazz.
Jim Mozart, that king of trad jazz
And Correa, (that's Chuck and not Chaz.)
Don't forget Parker
His music's much darker
Just the thing for a night on the razz
My little imaginary pig
Wears a syrup-of-fig
It's from California
All pink, and named Sonia
Wow, man, great acid, you dig? (It's the only logical explanation)
I once bought a kilo of coke
With it my fire to stoke
But the fizz had all gone
So I downed it in one
And that's when I started to choke
A feller named Ludwig van Beet
The end of his name did delete
His tune for Elise
Can be played with some ease (Chalky) That doesn't rhyme! I dunno, woman of your calibre.
With your heart, with your hands, with your feet
[Kim] Have you heard Chalky speak? She's dreadfully posh, she'd get away with it.
This booklet is missing some pages
My interest it no more engages (pen) Did you mean that for me? :-)
'Cos the bits taken out
Were the ones all about [Rosie] "Beet" "delete", it's quite fine :P
The cut in our Directors' wages *blithely ignores Rosie's irony bypass*:-)
It's such a big shame that the boss
Aims never for profit, but loss
He's as stupid as sh*t
Which his arse doth em*t (Chalky) Not at all, m'dear. I wouldn't have put it up if I fought you was like higgonorant (Yes I would)
But the workers don't give a toss
If I'd known it would cause so much strife (Re: the one before last)
I would never have married my wife
Cause here rhyming is bad,
And her scansion is sad (assuming here=her)
In fact I don't know what she's on about half the time.
Salaciously creeping around
With my belly quite close to the ground
I bite on her heel
And erotic'ly kneel
Then howl like a love-seeking hound
Caressing my neck-hairs she said:
"I really wish you were dead"
"So I could shag your corpse" [rhyming challenge]
From here to Cleethorpes
(imagine inverted commas suitably arranged)
But I'll settle for Grimsby instead"
I'm counting the ways that I love
Each finger's own place in a glove
Though it's with mittens I'm smitten
Thus I've written the worst love poems in Britain when in Rome...
With my middle finger raised high above ... don't do as the other nuts do!
There once will be peace in this valley,
And soon we were counting the tally
Of those now departed time space continuum r us
As off they are carted Lucky them . . . .
to Bristol, to rot in an alley or dropped from an overhang onto a passing garbage scow
The prodigal son doth return
With a listhp and bad cathe of thun burn I don't know any more than anybody else, okay!
The fatted calf lows
Snicker-snack! So it goes
For his sound effects CD we yearn
A cat in a hat once said,
"Please get this daft thing off my head open quote alert
Or I'll crap on your chair
Cough up balls of my hair
And put mice and dead birds in your bed"
A School Bus Driver once said
"This bus driving won't keep me fed"
So he nicks all the sweeties
Contracts diabeeties
And from hypoglycaemia's'dead a grim tale for anyone thinking about stealing confectionery
I like stealing candy from kids
Except little Suzy McLids
'Cause her's is all covered
with drool, where she's hovered
And will transmit diseases like SIDS
I act as the spoke in the wheel
with lots of bananas to peel,
I'm a fruit addict, see?
No scurvy knave, me
As I prepare my vitamin meal
There once was a Lady so lewd,
That even the Essex Men booed
For when she disrobed
With her fingers she probed - I can feel a coat requirement coming on.
And outdid the goatse.cx man for good. Yes, it's a URL. No, you don't want to see it. NSA (Not Safe Anywhere).
At the times when I haven't a clue
I tend to join hands with a gnu [I'm clearly certifiable]
We smear the vast veldt
With wildebeest smelt
Then go for some females to screw (Bestial behavior amongst all those animals...)
I'm sure to enjoy Lanzarote
I've heard it's not rainy or grotty
But instead, clean and sunny
Good value for money,
Two bottles of wine for a zloty
For free you'll get crabs at the loo [sim]potty
You can boil them in lye to make glue
And should you be "loose"
Feel free to make use
Of the paper. Use one square, not two.
Each night we'll swim (nude) in the pool
Please join us ...I guarantee you'll
have fun and get wet,
Which is not all you'll get
When we swim, (nude) in the pool.
And should we decide to get dressed
The bishop will have us all blessed
Our midnight baptism
May well cause a schism
If Janet exposes her breast
Janet was always an odd sort
Aroused by the chance she'd get caught
Though her legs she keeps crossed,
She frets at the cost
Of all the rude clothing she bought
Yet Janet J's infamous bro
Don’t like when the nose he must blow
But he'll blow something else
OK, try again, But he'll blow other things
While undressing his strings
Like a flute, a trumpet, or a oboe
While scoffing a lemon curd tart
I felt a slight pain in my heart
T'was indigestion
Which did beg the question
“What did cause that loud smelly fart?”
Explain, then, how drums came to be
They sound much too noisy to me
And as for the cymbals
They're cacophonic symbols
Of storm, strife, and turbulent sea.
I wish that my friends were not feckless
And had guarded my new diamond necklace :-(
But instead they got high
On hash cakes (with rye)
And peckish, they ate it for breakfast (the jewelry, that is)
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