And quite anaaethetic
And doesn't do much for your breath
Now prepare for the pizza of life
Topped with joy and a sprinkling of strife
Try not to be cheesey
Life should be easy-peasy
Consumed in slices with a fork and a knife(using the scansion license #312)
Our license to life may expire
If we find ourselves playing with fire (see CdM's recent hyperlink over at MCiOS by way of demonstration)
For an arsonist's woes
And inadequate prose
May arouse a literary ire.
There once was a man from New Delhi
Whose favorite dish was Cow Jelly
But to eat sacred cow
's Something none will allow
not e'en in the trendiest deli.
A scunner, call'd Cambell by name
Tried to set the McDonnalds aflame
But he'd run out of matches Is this double mis-spelling deliberate, I ask myself.
And the terrible catch is
Big Mac Meals, not soup, enjoy fame. [Rosie] Probably to avoid being sued
Prince Phillip was once heard to grumble
When he tripped on a corgi and tumbled
"Those bloody Chinese"
"And their damn' bonsai trees"
Why can't they be ever so 'umble?
Please place all your goods in my hands
Especially the fashionable brands
I'm referring, of course,
To my job as clothes horse
And this gun will back up my demands
Splendiferous, Fabulous, Great!
It's the best thing that ever I ate!
Can I have another?
If it's not too much bother
And this time, please leave me the plate (scuse rudeness, it just arrived in my head)
An old man on the bus starts to ramble
All the passengers begin to scramble
Chaos ensued
When his rambling turned lewd
(He's a friend of 'McDonnald' and 'Cambell') please see above!
Now let us all praise leafy Surrey Do your bloody worst, then :-)
Where they make the most wonderful curry
And Woking so gray
And Esher so gay
And Bagshot all covered in slurry.
I met a young gunner named Lunz
Who wanted to go to bed soon'st
His grand stra-te-gy
To lie down before three
Was scuppered by Field Marshall Gunz
To lie down before three
Was scuppered by Field Marshall Gunz
sorry - it just popped out fully-formed
Please don't try to spoil my grand plan
By beating my head with your fan
For what I've conceived
Has got me quite peeved
And I must work as fast as I can
[Chalky] ...as the bishop said to the actress.
[Chalky] ...as the bishop said to the actress.
An ant in Antananarivo
(A member, perhaps of the species noted at jodkowski.pl/we/Reuters003.html)
Speaking Spanish, said loudly, “¡Yo vivo!
Just then a grasshopper
In coat, tails and topper Madagascar is a centre of haute couture, I'll have you know.
Leapt in and gave him the heave-ho
got that one out of the way, at least
got that one out of the way, at least
Procure me tobacco, my love
And fetch me my slippers, my dove
And do wag your tail
As I sip my cold ale
And later I'll take you above
There was a young lad from Calcutta
Who liked to hit balls with his putter
Men far and wide
With more hurt than their pride
Regretted their brush with this nutter.
Were we to proceed in this matter
With pointless, banal, inane chatter
Then boredom were certain
'Twould e'en vex Paul Merton
Who'd say we're as mad as a hatter
Whilst trying to make non-lumpy gravy
[A trick I had learned in the navy]
I added some salt
And some whisky (fine malt)
The swell sent the sailors all wavy
It seems that bad light has stopped play
And that sky looks awfully grey
For when we play darts
In these northern parts
We only play on a bright day
I wouldn't think that was my car
Without fuel it shouldn't go far
So I'll panic-buy
And my tank won't be dry
I'll be the UK's Petrol Tzar.
The Guardian seems to have shrunk in size
It's not so good for swatting those flies
But the crossword's the same
(my attempts just as lame)
I just wish they'd show more bare thighs
A pension is something you need
A truism few young folk heed (Darren) Try the Torygraph, which is trying desperately to hold on to the retired-colonel-in-Hampshire readership.
If you save all your life
and insure your dear wife
You may profit from a dastardly deed.
There was a young lady called Hilda
Who sought fame as a great body builder
The size of her pecs
Made her friends nervous wrecks
But her six-pack did mostly bewilder.
All Telegraph readers say this:
It's the Home Service I really miss
And you can take ITV
Dump it into the sea
And sink it into the abyss
You can say this about Arnold Palmer
Than many old golfers, he's calmer.
Though he's strong as an ox
And he wears mismatched socks
And never been on Panorama. Be grateful for small mercies.
On Sunday my brother was wed [I got to give a toast!]
Then brought his young bride straight to bed,
On Monday he staggered
To his Mistress, the blackguard
A cosy affair, 'nuff said
While trying to sort out the plumbing Last one - V. good!
I heard Super Mario humming
So I blew down the pipe
A loud fart very ripe
So in revenge he's taken up drumming - it's the only thing I could think of that isn't filthy
Way back in the reign of King John
Whose follies we now dwell upon
The barons revolted
The serfs they all bolted
And Runnymede staged 'Magna-thon'
While re-writing the old magna Carta
I was attacked by a catholic martyr
Who rose from the grave ...presumably...
And made me a slave
Of the hon'rable Knights of the Garter
While cooking a great fat pork chop
I spied a large maggot on top
But as they're nutricious
It was not that malicious
To serve up the meal to my pop
Ben Johnson's a bit of a cheat Nothing if not topical eh? :-) Today is the 17th anniversary of his 100m gold in Seoul though.
He took drugs to speed up his feet
But to speed up your brain
Like La Moss, try cocaine
Line up for a cracking good treat!
Let me clean 'twixt your toes, mother dear
Lest the itching becomes very bad, as I fear oh yuk
Your joints are too stiff [Pen] Was the 'yuk' for the concept or the scansion? ;-)
and I can't stand the whiff
Of your feet when I venture too near.
Unleash all those inner desires!
By admitting you love Richard Briers
And Penelope Keith
And the voice of Lord Reith - Oddly enough, I'll be seeing Richard Briers and Penelope Keith soon.
And the odour of burnt rubber tyres. Rather sensuous. OK, I'm mad.
I once met an ogre so vast
That I thought I had breathèd my last
With a 'Fee fi fo fum'
As he spat out his gum
He advised me to run away fast
So I did, and I'm here - he's outside
I think he wants me for his bride
But when he gets close
I'll give him a dose
Care of Doc Jekkyl and old Mister Hyde
Relax now - this won't hurt a bit
Bend over, expose your left tit, ...at the dentist's or shooting porno-movies?
[Marc] I see you managed to sniff out an opportunity to lower the tone - behave yourself!
For we are freemasons
Hereditas jacens
Bend over, remove all your kit In the Masonic sense of course...
In time, you will come to discover
The call of the Little Ringed Plover - oft described as a 'loud pee-oo, uttered on rising'
It starts with a shout
Of a "pee", short and stout
then an "oo" like the sigh of a lover
Is there anything left in the sky?
Which would fit in my gravy-rich pie? hungry again...
A lark or a dove?
Or a cloud high above?
Or a piggy with wings that can fly?
With catkins surrounding my face
Like high quality Nottingham lace the taught me that at school
I danced round the tree
widdershins,naturally
And then clockwise too, just in case
Strange news, ma'am, has come from abroad
Your husband has swallowed his sword
And not only that
He chewed up his spat
But has changed his socks, thank the Lord.
Golly gosh, goodness me, bless my soul!
My laptop is running on coal!
It likes nutty slack
And cocaine, beer and crack
Is there something I haven't been told?
And now that we're into October
From now until June we'll be sober
We'll drink only water
Just as we oughta
Or else one may try to disrobe'er ...do not know if that is appropriate or not for a Gentleman...
"Winter draws on", my gran used to say
And the snowdrifts will be there till May
But come rain or shine
I know you'll be mine naww...
Come spring we will all want a lay. ...don't know if that's appropriate or not for a Gentleman...
There once was a maiden who said:
"I like to be taken to bed"
'Cos I've got some lurgi
I caught it off Fergie
Who taught me how lurgi's are fed.
In Fall, when the leaves have turned gold ...brother Marc, my kine send their regards ;)
And the Autumn evenings get cold
Now the eggnogs we mix, ...Thx Gregor, and all the best to your flock!
For the fire gather sticks
And we shall sing Christmas hymns of old
There once was a masterful baker
Who married a pretty young Quaker
Of course they stayed Friends . . . disdaining any reference to oats . . .
With no reverends
And had fun with his bulbous flour shaker.
While mending a fence with some nails
A milkmaid passed swinging two pails
my cap I did doff
her pants she pulled off ...just referring to what I saw...
Now we're parents and living in Wales.
A way of discouraging weeds
Is reading them poems of Swedes
Their perplexitee Yesterday's fence-mending led to nothing more than a mended fence, alas.
From across the Nordzee
May make them repent their misdeeds. 3rd and 5th is all right, isn't it?
The third and the fifth is all right
I said to my mistress one night ......... we have a list
Her face flushed to red
As we bounced out of bed Greg'r, can you post us a copy of that list?
'Cos the fourth had been rather tight.
Imagine a cube on a plane:
is the picture clear in your brain?
Intersect with a sphere
A shape will appear (Projoy) 216 airline passengers?
That'll look like a ball down a drain
The Queen stood and waved to the crowd
The smirked as she farted aloud
s/the/then
The regal emit
A fart full of wit
To touch cloth simply isn't allowed. (Darren) Most restrained.
He promised the earth and the moon
Then said it would arrive soon magic word..?
And, lo, it appeared!
Although it looked weird
From behind, rather like a baboon.
The barometer falls, like the rain
Mercury goes down the drain
So let's not go out
Lest we go mad and shout
And get hurtiness all in our brain
*chuckles*
A yellow canary named Tweety [Projoy] Lovely finish!
As a veggie wasn't known to eat meaty (sorry)
But Sylvester (the cat)
Will have none of that
He likes puddings or something quite sweetie
Spend time in an oxygen tent
Wear boots that are cast in cement
Read that one in bold ...
This new form of training
Is physically draining
My aerobic credits are spent!
The EU's not sure about Turkey
Its past seems decidedly murky
Its Ottoman roots
Are as rank as old boots
Though its branches are looking quite perky
There once was a lad in Istanbul
[irach] Give us a chance! Can't you call it Constantinople just this once?
(pen) Hear, hear. Doesn't scan, either.
I suggest amending it to:
There once was a lad in Stamboul
There once was a lad in Stamboul
Who went into town,'on the pull'
oops
It could not be said
He was right in the head
'Coz his technique was verging on cruel ... sorry - that was getting-rid-of-sad-limerick effort. Let's draw a line eh?
Don't force me to drink too much punch
I've not even had any lunch
But when I have eaten
Then I won't be beaten
So get out my way you sad bunch No, really, yous are my besht pals ever.
(Hic!) I really do love you, you know
(stifled belch)At least 'til dawn tomorrow
For it's only at night
That I'm sweetness and light
and a function-ing libi-do.
Zippedy Doo Dah, Oh My!
Who'd have guessed elephants could just fly?
And toads sing The Messiah
p****d as newts, in a choir
It's all very nice, Walt, but why?
And now let us praise margarine . . .lovely girl . . .
With its buttery taste and nice sheen
But it's stuffed full of E's
So unlikely to please - [Darren] v good :-)
Nutritionists, Cows or the Queen (who is eating it in the parlour with her bread and honey)
Decorum et dulce it est
Of my old school Latin, the best
But quo vadis, pray?
Vade in pace
Sed non sequitur you'll be blessed.
Elizabeth Violet Bott
Was rather a fine polyglot
Tho' she spoke with a lithp
Her diction was crithp
And for William she had a thoft thpot
(Projoy) It was Violet Elizabeth Bott. (I've read the books). So I'm going to thtamp my foot and thkweam and thkweam until I'm thick.
Violet Elizabeth Bott oblig
Some Mums do 'ave 'em, what?
A truculent child
Not meek, still less mild [Rosie] Oops. So it was. I read most of 'em too in my youth so should have recalled that. I think I must have just mentally transposed the names for the sake of slightly neater scansion.
Except after smoking some pot.
So, let's "big it up" for the Swiss!
And take the proverbial piss
Their fraudulent bankers . . . careful . . .
And Swiss naval tankers
And cuckoo clocks all score a miss
The Swiss Army Knife's greatest blade
Pulls hooves from the stones in a glade
And should you need slices
As you may, in a crisis,
It puts all its rivals int' shade
Pink piggies are playing in pens
On a piggery deep in the Fens
They wallow in muck (Could I just mention that the cuckoo clock is in fact a Bavarian invention and not a Swiss one. It's a popular misconception that Mrs Kim (who is Swiss) has asked me to clear up.)
But don't give a f**k appologies in advance ;-)
Until Jamie Oliver attends.
The knockings that come from my car
Have a cause which is somewhat bizarre
There's a mouse in the shaft
Woodworm, fore and aft
And the ghost of a dead Russian Tsar
One day, spurred on by a bet
I spent a whole day as a vet
Castrations and Neut'ring
Ligations and suturing
Paid off my credit card debt
If ever in need of some money very nice that last one
Keep bees and sell epicure honey
You'll feel more alive
May your apiary thrive
And your life always be sunny
A stack of six waffles is here
But at ten pounds apiece, they're quite dear.
Perhaps they're organic
Or alleviate panic
Which I'd like, as I'm wracked with fear
Darren's now got wafflophilia
Armed wit fork and syrup he'll (-khilia) *[pronunciated]*
But just say "Hang on!"
"Don't bend that fork prong"
"Stop waffling and just take this pill'ere"
What an outrageous colour is puce
It seems to be quite without use
Apart from on bras
(It looks awful on cars)
A colour old Morris Marinas abuse
The pleasure I get from a duck
Fades to nought next to that from a buck
But, as for a runt
which gets killed by the hunt (Projoy, Botherer) Further details, please . . .
It gets proned cross the hood of my truck [best way to bring the game home]
I think I've forgotten to mention
I suffer from hyper-tension
[SW] can you nick one of the spare syllables from your previous entry and put it in the line above? That's twice today. I'm laughing, honest ! :-D
'old hyper-tension'? Hmm. Whassat then?
The blood in my veins
Makes them stand out like canes
And my prick's of outrageous dimension.
Chalky doth laugh like a drain [Chalks] Glad to be able stimulate you tickle buds, especially on your 'tough day' (Orange). However, in my accent, the last entry scanned ok, the previous one, however, would have been better without the 'old', but it is a necessary qualifier for Marinas. They were old when they first appeared at the motor show.
Her giggles she cannot restrain [Software] Done it again, I think. Needs something at the front to scan properly. How about "Yon"?
My sides are just splitting (Rosie)Further details,please...
She's had to stop knitting Hope that isn't libellous.
whilst from laughing she tried to refrain
The Welsh have the gift of the gab (Softers, Kim) Can't read your comments; something odd about the font because Chalky's and pen's comments in the previous limerick are quite clear despite being small. Is there a fix for this?
And their accent is quite far from drab [Rosie] Have you tried increasing the text size in the browser?
But their fondness for L's
And wet, sheepy smells
Means most now go into rehab.
The software I have in my bum
(er, not a reference to you, Softers)
Tells me when I should empty my tum
It frequently starts
With preliminary farts [Pro] No offence taken :-)
And some 'agricultural' hum oblig.
Blue cakes dead ahead! 12 o' clock!
They'll make me pop out of my frock
But if they're not eaten
They'll need some re-heatin'
By stuffin' 'em into your sock
The weekend approaches, get ready!
Its coming is rousing and heady
There's no time to lose!
There's no time to snooze!
Start drinking now, and go steady. Rather difficult rhyme, surprisingly. Much easier in Welsh; dozens of words. Probably in Italian too.
I've Veni-ed, I've Vici-ed, I've Vidi-ed
Precisely the things that were needed
To beat up the Gauls
And steal all their smalls
For my loins were ungirt; they were needed
Shit! I've just used the same word as line 2. Better do another one. Here goes:
And make sure their gardens are weeded.
'tis the hour of my discontent
And I'm full of evil intent
All round me beware
I'm likely to bare
What I shouldn't expose, as a gent
I like the red highlight for the preview but the explanatory text says "..a preview which, in words, means..." - is there an "other" missing?
Cry Havoc! (And let out the dog.)
Cry Havoc! (And let out the dog.)
Thus read a Shakespearian blog
To be? Undecided.
Our winter: now chided.
All grist for the new pedagogue.
There was a young fellow called Danny That last one was a bit posh, eh?
Who felt very keen on his granny
His fetish for dentures
Regaled his wild ventures
But he drew the line at her fanny Coat...
píu mosso, col legno, atacca
e conflagrazione alpaca
E per si muove
Implorate Giove I don't think this is terribly good Italian grammar
E venerare Signore Chewbacca
The brightness of Venus is striking (Knobbly) Too right. It's from the Nicht gefingerpoken school of European languages.
But slightly too brash for my liking
The evening star
That shines from afar oblig.
Is an excellent guide when night-hiking
Be honest, and tell me your thoughts
Whether fully worked out or mere orts [orts: crumbs, scraps (Dictionary of obscure words)]
For a trouble when shared
Like a soul that is bared
Is soft like a sofa from Courts
nice :-)
Just say what you think. Don't hold back
Even if what you say gets a smack
Yet, an eye for an eye
Isn't something I'd try
When the faux pas occurs in the sack
The premise on which this is based
Yields a sport, keenly fought and fast-paced
Yes! it's Twister-by-email
Designed for the female
All dressed up in basques, tightly laced.
"Are all muppets Jews?" she enquired
"Or are they by Allah inspired?"
"Are controlling hands Druid?"
"With their movement so fluid" Oblig., more or less
"Or just puppets sewn and wired?"
The cause of my facial contusion
Is a thin air and plate glass confusion
The one is ethereal
The other's material
And my face, their media for fusion.
A good dump of snow in the morning
Is a reason to stay in bed yawning
'Cos all the damn schools
Will be closed; safety rules The little buggers might get COLD!
Must all be obeyed. That's a warning.
This comedy mask doesn't fit
In places it pinches a bit
And it's not really funny
To look like a bunny
Who's crouching and ready to... spit
Open season on pantomime dames
John Inman's been shot down in flames
Dale Winton's in panic
Frank Bruno's just ... manic
But don't mess with Botham; he maims. . . . rather unfair to him, actually, but this has been hanging around for a few days now.
This feels just the winter for cricket
I think I'll be keeping the wicket
But bowling on ice
Is not very nice
To penguins; take your ball and stick'et.
There once was a svelte young brunette
Who was smuggled aboard a corvette
The boot was too small - what's a corvette?
Though she curled in a ball - [Chalky] Er, it's a small ship, so unlikely to have a boot really, but we'll pretend we're talking about a Corvette Stingray shall we ? ;-)
A position she called cul-à-tête
My new sailing ship has a boot :-D
I'm a Corsair so I'll fill it with loot while on the boat/car bifircation...
An act of no Merit That's my rough little Corsa.
Like slipping a ferret
Down a gentleman's whistle-and-flute
When a bear does his job in the wood
(Proverbially, just as it should)
The mice in the grass
Start nibbling his arse
With hindsight they'd've run if they could. [a bit dull sorry - anything to get things moving again ...]
The cause of this sorry affair
So foul that I do not dare
To mention the fact
I have nada for tact
So I'll tell the whole world, I don't care
I've managed, without interference,
Ahem
I've managed, without interference,
To alter my husband's appearance
He's now eight feet tall
But has only one ball sorrysorrysorry
And that needs a sixteen-inch clearance - oooh - what a monster I've created
For those with testicular gigantism . . . there ought to be a few rhymes, and if not, well, bollocks.
(Barring the mono or double schism) Mmmm, yes, that could work, subject to the scansion police
It's wise, I suspect, throwing caution to the wind...
To join the new sect
Baptised by immersion in... (No, I can't bring myself to type it.)
It takes just a moment to find [Raak] admirable restraint, sir,
That an orange tastes better "sans rind";
But if you chew the pips
Take this wisest of tips Pompous, moi?
- just don't take the pith: 'tis unkind.
A river of buttons doth flow
A river of buttons doth flow
To a land where the cuffs dare not go - I smell realism here...
Lest they cover my watch (Projoy) You're mad. :-)
(An extravagant Swatch™)
Where they've all come from, I don't know
There was a young chap from Slovakia
Whose verse, beside ours, was much tackia
His scansion was iffy
His rhyme scheme was whiffy
Alas, uncorrected aphakia!
A seagull is fond of a beer
Until it succumbs to the fear
That one day its liver (Jux) Just going to look that up.
Will be cut as a sliver
Of coal, when the long winter gets here.
The nights are approaching their longest
The werewolves are reaching their strongest
The ghosts and the ghoulies
And Syd Rumpo's moulies
Play host to God, who is the wrong guest. - a bit clunking, sorry. That was a difficult one.
My celibate friend - here's a tip:
Use a lock to secure your fly zip
This sec-urity
I'm sure you'll agree
Will keep you safe when you let rip
If a zip-lock should fail to prevail (continuing the excellent advice...)
We'll all find out if you're male
But if you're a lass
You should go to mass
And cover your sins with a veil
For celibacy, give three cheers!
I'll not bonk for the rest of my years
That's the end of my knockin'
The bed will stop rockin'
As the eve of my life swiftly nears
While waiting for lights to turn green
I've acquired a malaise in my spleen
At red-amber I felt
My testicles melt
So please do not ask if I've "been"
I've "been" and I'm now "feeling lighter" This is disgraceful stuff. Terrible.
Yet my pants strangely seem a bit tighter
And strangely much wetter [Chalky] How do you know about testicles?
As my bits they do fetter
Could my underpants be any shite-er? No-one else could have done it with so much sweetness and panache. But I'm sorry anyway, and I'll get my coat.
When recently showered and fragrant [Darren] eeh lad ... I've melted a few in my time :-) [pen] stick around - we need you for this one ...
I jumped on an elderly vagrant
We made passionate love
While the pigeons above
Doled out the lubricating a-gent. almost rhymes...anyway it made me smirkle
Ahhh, we raise our game and lower our tone - can't be coincidence!
Stand back! I'm about to erupt!
Stand back! I'm about to erupt!
In a manner both loud and abrupt!
There's nowt you can do
I'll explode right on cue
Unless you bribe me (I'm corrupt)
In New Jersey, New York and New Delhi
You see all the same things on the telly
For Sesame Street
Or the Kumar's we meet
But not the beach webcam, Pwllheli.
And those 'Stars' with that tw*t Matthew Kelly. sorrysorrysorry - no, not really.
Well, dash it - simulled.
They think they have 'Stars in their Eyes'
They think they have 'Stars in their Eyes'
Which flew down from the vault of the skies
If only they knew
They're just specks of poo
And the promise of fame is all lies.
My handbag's possessed by a demon
Actually, forget that. Not very rhymable.
Copernicus brought down the Earth
Copernicus brought down the Earth
To a much more acceptable girth
He then set about
To prove without doubt
what heliocentricity's worth. (Projoy) Your HAND-BAAAG??
Father Christmas has multiple forms
But one nature, to which they all conform
And on Christmas Eve
(so they'd have us believe)
A fat 'Ho-ho-Ho' is the norm
The Geese are getting quite fat Do you want stuffing?
I don't really care for all that Get Stuffed! yourself...
Succulent marinaise I'll have potatoes wit that if you don' mind!
On these festive days
Is best served alongside your cat
I looked in the mirror; it cracked
You'd think it'd've shown more tact
But an ugly boat-race
Has rowed over my face
In a mutual suicide pact
With Thomas and Richard and Harry
With Thomas and Richard and Harry
Lay Dierdrie and Senga and Carrie
They'd all lost a bet
as to whether they'd get
Themselves out of a duty to marry
The motion of trees in the night
Without wind, is a worrying sight
The dryads will walk
The Triffids will talk
Our lives the spirits will blight
Play chess on the roof of your shack
Your imagin'ry friend can play black
So if he says 'mate'
You can nail in a slate
And if he says 'check,' shoot his back
I sense an impending disaster
And so I have brought a small plaster
I've some ointment as well
For use when all hell
Breaketh loose and becometh the master
Courgettes - which are Jewish, of course -
Courgettes - which are Jewish, of course -
Must not be combined with stewed horse
So take your zucchini
Marinate in Martini
Then stew with some beetroots for borsch
I like a good seasonal stew
There's a very fine place down at Kew
Where they stew a live dog
In eau de la bog
(Please take over my place in the queue!)Yuk!! .....seasonal?
A snowman is best if he's given
The eyes and nose of David Niven
Sean Connery's hat
And Dr. No's cat
Who'll ensure that with piss-holes it's riven.
This year I have only one plea [jim] sure. the dog is a german shepherd.
Please give all your presents to me
And when you've done that [Rosie] well played - you'd be amazed at the amount of time I spent conjuring up 'acts' on a snowman to guarantee a last line ending 'riven' or striven' - I obviously have nothing better to do this time of year :-)
You can don this daft hat (Chalky) Cheers. The busiest thing I am doing at this time of the year is firing off apologetic letters to all those who sent a Christmas card to my late Mum. Oh, the sins of omission.
While I *hum* a refrain at your knee. [slipping out the back door]
"Here's to you, Mrs R!" Ben declared.
To which Mrs R said: "Don't be scared" [Rosie] see Banter
And slipped off her coat
Her charms to promote (Chalky) Seen it. :-)
'Twas more than her soul that she bared.
'Tis the season for to be jolly
via HYPnotic trance of svengali
whose staring mince pies
, boring deep in my thighs,
have detected both ivy and holly.
When cold in the morning, it's best
To pack up one's back and head west
s/back/bag
Get right out of town
And dress up as a clown
But do not join the legion, Beau Geste.
A jelly what sits on a plate
Is the latest thing in the TATE
Its wobbly appeal
As an artistic meal
Was reduced when it passed sell-by date
This shed (first a shed, then a boat)
Needs treating with fresh creosote
This strange piece of art
is falling apart
And the artist has just got his coat...
The champion liverwurst maker
Has retired as town undertaker
The deli's now broke
And he's moved down to Stoke
For a life as a pottery maker
Whilst opening a tin of sardines
I squirted some sauce on my jeans
Then opened the tin
What the sardines were in
Then ate them with toast and beans Sounds pretty average for the lone eater just in from a long day :-(
'Twas the night before Christmas and all
Panto Dames had gone to the ball
Not one ugly sister
to ruin the vista
Cinders was left, with mice et al.
It's over, you've eaten. Go home!
Do not roam over land, sea or foam
And don't you dare linger
Or phantom flan flinger
Will splatter your cranial dome - is it me, or have limerick standards slipped lately, particularly at MCiOS ?
The winter sun shines on my screen (Phil) It's not you. Rhythm and humour in short supply - even rhyme sometimes.
Why, oh why, is this golden beam
So bright, yet so cold
And so young yet so old | [Phil] I agree. It was never brilliant (check the archives for evidence), but the art of scansion in particular seems to be crumbling lately.
(Compare some our current efforts with the Platonic limerick)
Only indoors this scene should be seen.
There once was a lim'rick so poor
Out of twenty, I'd give it a four
That lousy attempt
Was crude and unkempt
Now we're back to high standards once more.
Today it's so cold that I shiver (Projoy) There's posh. How do you do that? Point well made but the melody's crap. :-)
Drink hot rum, tho' it'll fu*k up your liver
A bobbly hat
A romp in my flat
Who can say there's no fun en hiver?
Inside of a hive you'll find bees
They can spell, and all have great knees
And what's even better,
They fill out a sweater,
So long as there's no absentees
This caffeine will give me a lift
The lead in my head it will shift
but as for my liver...
It will cry a river
What will spill when my flood gates are rift
So welcome to 2006
I shall learn every day some new tricks
Involving some rope
And our new model Pope
and a very large box of matchsticks Cor strike-a-light guv'nor! and other such 'Van Dyke cockernee'
Resolutions are most often broken
In ways which are better not spoken
Are those such as these:
Oops, I didn't notice the "are" in the first line, or I imagined a "which", so mine makes no grammatical sense. Try this instead:
One's New Year intention
One's New Year intention
Of modest dimension
Is less use than a £1 book token
This stance is under inspection
It seems to need no correction
But since golf requires
Lots of land in the shires
It attracts some rural attention
I'm off out to hunt for wild boar
I've got bullets enough to shoot four
Provided I aim
To kill, not to maim
Protestations I'll choose to ignore
I'd say to be fluent in Latin
You'd choose the right chair to be sat in
Whilst gargling with petrol
I'm ready to bet you'll
Achieve a result by le matin.
Well, that was really average.
A sailor from far-off Malay
Well, that was really average.
A sailor from far-off Malay
Denied that his boyfriend was gay
He did, though, admit
That he managed to fit
The figurehead in his back way
Now THAT was well above average:-)
My father would often insist
He could fit, in his mouth, a whole fist
but we said, "We don't care."
So he showed us with flair
He put hand to mouth, and he missed
There was a young lady called Karen
Who knew a young lady called Sharon
The one was delightful
The other, most frightful
But both will be punted by Charon
This scotch in my slippers is yummy
This scotch in my slippers is yummy
The taste is OK, but it smells hummy
The aroma's not peaty
But rather quite meaty
And smells like my feety, says Mummy
Have you ever been in a canoe?
And if so, do you know what to do...
In an eskimo roll
You must waggle your pole
And watch out for where the bears poo
In my hat is some dry Plymouth gin - continuing Projoy's theme
That enters my head through my skin.
To drink through osmosis
Halts liver cirrhosis
Allowing unlimited sin.
Bravo! Wit, scansion, clever rhymes! That one had the lot!
It's time to play Beethoven loud!
It's time to play Beethoven loud!
Come one and come all, join the crowd!
The Ninth in D Minor
For nothing is finer
I'm sure his old mum would be proud
While reading The Meaning of Liff
(As a PDF, not a GIF)
my screen it went blank - More of a bang really, s'bit of a bugger really...
Not surprised, to be frank
As the file was served as a TIFF
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
We're going to visit, because
I'm hoping he'll give
me reason to live . . . . sad . . . .
i.e. repeal the polygyny laws. ...so true....
A feisty young pilgrim named Scott
Was getting on fine, until shot
In the back, by a gun
By a militant nun
Whom he'd made agreeably hot.
The building site over the road
Can be entered by keying the code
"GNISSAPSERT_TON_MI_ON"
Which should open Gate 1
What drops, squishing you flat as a toad
One night as she opened her door
She noticed an absence of floor
"Oh, what has become ... " Hanging quote warning!
"of my hall - how rum..." Warning extended
"that it looked like this after the war." ...oldie... (Softers, IrG) Why close the quotes, then?
I heard a loud "Squish" in the hall
But on checking, there was f*ck all
It must be my ears (Softers) Have the courage of your profanity. :-)
They've been waxy for years
And go "squish" till I give them a trawl.
The animals entered in twos
The animals entered in twos
The Ark was more cramped than most zoos
Survival became (.. unfinished sen ..)
The name of the game
Let's see what they found on their cruise
As Noah had hoisted his sails,
The elephants lifted their tails
A fair wind ensued
A fair wind ensued
(Albeit quite rude)
And threw Japeth and Shem o'er the rails
'Twas then that the flood did commence
And swept the menagerie hence
Alas, few could swim
So Noah sang out a hymn
To save all from a damp consequence
But it fell on deaf ears, floods increased
The rain, though, had long ago ceased I'm sure there's a hydrological explanation.
Then the crocodile pair
Emerged from their lair
To size up the animal feast!
Hors d'oeuvre was a Hamster En Croute
With a garnish of fricasséed newt
And a cherry coulis
A glass of cat's pee
And little dungballs en mazout.
With years left in prison to serve, - Unfinished sentence alert..
Hussein has lost none of his verve
He still sings the blues
Having nothing to loose
And writes fan mail to Catherine Deneuve
Whilst disinfecting the loo
I noticed the pee left by Pooh
'T was all over the seat
And it covered my feet
I can't potty train him; can you?
I'm gaming with each of your minds
By undressing with open blinds
Exposing my Long-Johns,
[I'd put on the wrong ones] [Marc] thanks a bunch :-)
And showing my Oxfam shop finds
The higher you climb up the pole
The harder to reach your prime goal
Especially when
The bosses are men
, iguanas, or fillies in foal
Perfection is hard to achieve
Yet if I fail, then I must leave
, Commit hara-kiri,
The philosophical theory
That death will, less than failure, aggrieve.
Few people are practised at pottery
At the wheel I'm all shaky and tottery
Don't mention the glaze
I applied in a daze
Simul'ed - I had (And, my God, all those clays!)
The result at the end is a lottery
The result at the end is a lottery
For seven and fourpence a week
One could dress quite remarkably chic
In 1908
But I fear that, of late,
You'd be kicked out of any boutique
I fear that disorder is rife
In the one-time Kingdom of Fife
The serfs in Fife's fiefs
Are revolting their chiefs
By offering the use of their wife
There's panic and fear on the streets!
They resound to the mob's trampling feets!
Setting buildings ablaze
And undoing their stays
And denouncing the works of John Keats.
The looters are seen on the telly
Raiding grocery shelves to steal jelly
Let's enforce martial law
And give them what for
For they have no casus belli.
It's Oat-en the open - those swine (unfinished sentence career alert)
Who escaped from the hog farm are mine! Waiting for cereal killer reference
[Both] I was shooting for a Lib Dem Homo affairs topic there, but no matter :)
We'll return now to order,
Redefining the border
Of what's pink and what's pork - so that's fine.
At dinner there's only one topic
Should the Liberals choose Lembit Öpik
Should we fear asteroids
Shall I take my steroids
Should we worry 'bout things microscopic?
To be continued....
To be continued....
Charles Kennedy - all is forgiven
We know why to drink you were driven.
Your bright ginger hair
The Lib Dems' shape? Pear
It makes your life hardly worth livin'
My niece tells me Campbell's a minger . . . . continuing the theme . . . .
She says I should give him the finger
But to play devil's A
Even dogs have their day
And give him his due, he's not ginger
A description I have of Chris Huhne
Mentions a Yellow Baboon - hope that rhymes???
As seen from the rear
He inspires great fear
That all of a sudden he'll moon. (SalPud) Well, not really, but I'll go along with it. :-)
Is the moon tonight waxing or waning?
No-one can say, 'cos it's raining
The raindrops that fall
Let me see b*gger all
Which is why I am loudly profaning.
The good folk of Maidenhead, Berks
Are known by their conspicuous quirks
'Cos their bland little town [F'staff] in UK 'Berks' is pronounced 'barks' for your future enlightenment
We have turned upside down [Software] what’s UK?
And moved up to Bromsgrove in Worcs.
I once hopped a train to Helsinki [i,R,B,p,P - nice] [Marc - United Kingdom. England et. al.]
Where I met a strange man (well, I think he...
Was strange and quite rude
Using language quite crude
Whilst flashing his wee willy winkie) well - I HAD to close the parentheses somehow, didn't I?
A terrible fellow called Lance
Was never invited to dance
His lumbering gait (penultimate Lim) - Catastrophe in F# for five voices, K627.
And his greasy bald pate
Forced rebuttals to any advance
Wolfgang Amadeus once said:
"I've got this great riff in my head".
It's Eine fine riff
But now Mozart's a stiff
His music is also quite dead.
Was Wolfgang Amadeus called "Mo"?
I think his fans all need to know.
For they are devout
When they hear his "The Trout" - Yeah, yeah, but what Mozart piece ends with "out"?
Which starts on Sol but ends on Doh. (Projoy) All trad jazz numbers end with an "out chorus", so-called.
In contrast, the "Trout", Schubert's best
Should be witnessed while wearing one's vest
Not to look dashing,
But rather, just flashing
The orchestra with your bare breast
[Rosie] I wasn't aware Mozart was involved with trad jazz.
Jim Mozart, that king of trad jazz
And Correa, (that's Chuck and not Chaz.)
Don't forget Parker
His music's much darker
Just the thing for a night on the razz
My little imaginary pig
Wears a syrup-of-fig
It's from California
All pink, and named Sonia
Wow, man, great acid, you dig? (It's the only logical explanation)
I once bought a kilo of coke
With it my fire to stoke
But the fizz had all gone
So I downed it in one
And that's when I started to choke
A feller named Ludwig van Beet
The end of his name did delete
His tune for Elise
Can be played with some ease (Chalky) That doesn't rhyme! I dunno, woman of your calibre.
With your heart, with your hands, with your feet
[Kim] Have you heard Chalky speak? She's dreadfully posh, she'd get away with it.
This booklet is missing some pages
This booklet is missing some pages
My interest it no more engages (pen) Did you mean that for me? :-)
'Cos the bits taken out
Were the ones all about [Rosie] "Beet" "delete", it's quite fine :P
The cut in our Directors' wages *blithely ignores Rosie's irony bypass*:-)
It's such a big shame that the boss
Aims never for profit, but loss
He's as stupid as sh*t
Which his arse doth em*t (Chalky) Not at all, m'dear. I wouldn't have put it up if I fought you was like higgonorant (Yes I would)
But the workers don't give a toss
If I'd known it would cause so much strife (Re: the one before last)
I would never have married my wife
Cause here rhyming is bad,
And her scansion is sad (assuming here=her)
In fact I don't know what she's on about half the time.
Salaciously creeping around
With my belly quite close to the ground
I bite on her heel
And erotic'ly kneel
Then howl like a love-seeking hound
Caressing my neck-hairs she said:
"I really wish you were dead"
"So I could shag your corpse" [rhyming challenge]
From here to Cleethorpes
(imagine inverted commas suitably arranged)
But I'll settle for Grimsby instead"
I'm counting the ways that I love
Each finger's own place in a glove
Though it's with mittens I'm smitten
Thus I've written the worst love poems in Britain when in Rome...
With my middle finger raised high above ... don't do as the other nuts do!
There once will be peace in this valley,
And soon we were counting the tally
Of those now departed time space continuum r us
As off they are carted Lucky them . . . .
to Bristol, to rot in an alley or dropped from an overhang onto a passing garbage scow
The prodigal son doth return
With a listhp and bad cathe of thun burn I don't know any more than anybody else, okay!
The fatted calf lows
Snicker-snack! So it goes
For his sound effects CD we yearn
A cat in a hat once said,
"Please get this daft thing off my head open quote alert
Or I'll crap on your chair
Cough up balls of my hair
And put mice and dead birds in your bed"
A School Bus Driver once said
"This bus driving won't keep me fed"
So he nicks all the sweeties
Contracts diabeeties
And from hypoglycaemia's'dead a grim tale for anyone thinking about stealing confectionery
I like stealing candy from kids
Except little Suzy McLids
'Cause her's is all covered
with drool, where she's hovered
And will transmit diseases like SIDS
I act as the spoke in the wheel
with lots of bananas to peel,
I'm a fruit addict, see?
No scurvy knave, me
As I prepare my vitamin meal
There once was a Lady so lewd,
That even the Essex Men booed
For when she disrobed
With her fingers she probed - I can feel a coat requirement coming on.
And outdid the goatse.cx man for good. Yes, it's a URL. No, you don't want to see it. NSA (Not Safe Anywhere).
At the times when I haven't a clue