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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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For nothing is finer
I'm sure his old mum would be proud
While reading The Meaning of Liff
(As a PDF, not a GIF)
my screen it went blank - More of a bang really, s'bit of a bugger really...
Not surprised, to be frank
As the file was served as a TIFF
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
We're going to visit, because
I'm hoping he'll give
me reason to live . . . . sad . . . .
i.e. repeal the polygyny laws. ...so true....
A feisty young pilgrim named Scott
Was getting on fine, until shot
In the back, by a gun
By a militant nun
Whom he'd made agreeably hot.
The building site over the road
Can be entered by keying the code
"GNISSAPSERT_TON_MI_ON"
Which should open Gate 1
What drops, squishing you flat as a toad
One night as she opened her door
She noticed an absence of floor
"Oh, what has become ... " Hanging quote warning!
"of my hall - how rum..." Warning extended
"that it looked like this after the war." ...oldie... (Softers, IrG) Why close the quotes, then?
I heard a loud "Squish" in the hall
But on checking, there was f*ck all
It must be my ears (Softers) Have the courage of your profanity. :-)
They've been waxy for years
And go "squish" till I give them a trawl.
The animals entered in twos
The Ark was more cramped than most zoos
Survival became (.. unfinished sen ..)
The name of the game
Let's see what they found on their cruise
As Noah had hoisted his sails,
The elephants lifted their tails
A fair wind ensued
(Albeit quite rude)
And threw Japeth and Shem o'er the rails
'Twas then that the flood did commence
And swept the menagerie hence
Alas, few could swim
So Noah sang out a hymn
To save all from a damp consequence
But it fell on deaf ears, floods increased
The rain, though, had long ago ceased I'm sure there's a hydrological explanation.
Then the crocodile pair
Emerged from their lair
To size up the animal feast!
Hors d'oeuvre was a Hamster En Croute
With a garnish of fricasséed newt
And a cherry coulis
A glass of cat's pee
And little dungballs en mazout.
With years left in prison to serve, - Unfinished sentence alert..
Hussein has lost none of his verve
He still sings the blues
Having nothing to loose
And writes fan mail to Catherine Deneuve
Whilst disinfecting the loo
I noticed the pee left by Pooh
'T was all over the seat
And it covered my feet
I can't potty train him; can you?
I'm gaming with each of your minds
By undressing with open blinds
Exposing my Long-Johns,
[I'd put on the wrong ones] [Marc] thanks a bunch :-)
And showing my Oxfam shop finds
The higher you climb up the pole
The harder to reach your prime goal
Especially when
The bosses are men
, iguanas, or fillies in foal
Perfection is hard to achieve
Yet if I fail, then I must leave
, Commit hara-kiri,
The philosophical theory
That death will, less than failure, aggrieve.
Few people are practised at pottery
At the wheel I'm all shaky and tottery
Don't mention the glaze
I applied in a daze
Simul'ed - I had (And, my God, all those clays!)
The result at the end is a lottery
For seven and fourpence a week
One could dress quite remarkably chic
In 1908
But I fear that, of late,
You'd be kicked out of any boutique
I fear that disorder is rife
In the one-time Kingdom of Fife
The serfs in Fife's fiefs
Are revolting their chiefs
By offering the use of their wife
There's panic and fear on the streets!
They resound to the mob's trampling feets!
Setting buildings ablaze
And undoing their stays
And denouncing the works of John Keats.
The looters are seen on the telly
Raiding grocery shelves to steal jelly
Let's enforce martial law
And give them what for
For they have no casus belli.
It's Oat-en the open - those swine (unfinished sentence career alert)
Who escaped from the hog farm are mine! Waiting for cereal killer reference
[Both] I was shooting for a Lib Dem Homo affairs topic there, but no matter :)
We'll return now to order,
Redefining the border
Of what's pink and what's pork - so that's fine.
At dinner there's only one topic
Should the Liberals choose Lembit Öpik
Should we fear asteroids
Shall I take my steroids
Should we worry 'bout things microscopic?
To be continued....
Charles Kennedy - all is forgiven
We know why to drink you were driven.
Your bright ginger hair
The Lib Dems' shape? Pear
It makes your life hardly worth livin'
My niece tells me Campbell's a minger . . . . continuing the theme . . . .
She says I should give him the finger
But to play devil's A
Even dogs have their day
And give him his due, he's not ginger
A description I have of Chris Huhne
Mentions a Yellow Baboon - hope that rhymes???
As seen from the rear
He inspires great fear
That all of a sudden he'll moon. (SalPud) Well, not really, but I'll go along with it. :-)
Is the moon tonight waxing or waning?
No-one can say, 'cos it's raining
The raindrops that fall
Let me see b*gger all
Which is why I am loudly profaning.
The good folk of Maidenhead, Berks
Are known by their conspicuous quirks
'Cos their bland little town [F'staff] in UK 'Berks' is pronounced 'barks' for your future enlightenment
We have turned upside down [Software] what’s UK?
And moved up to Bromsgrove in Worcs.
I once hopped a train to Helsinki [i,R,B,p,P - nice] [Marc - United Kingdom. England et. al.]
Where I met a strange man (well, I think he...
Was strange and quite rude
Using language quite crude
Whilst flashing his wee willy winkie) well - I HAD to close the parentheses somehow, didn't I?
A terrible fellow called Lance
Was never invited to dance
His lumbering gait (penultimate Lim) - Catastrophe in F# for five voices, K627.
And his greasy bald pate
Forced rebuttals to any advance
Wolfgang Amadeus once said:
"I've got this great riff in my head".
It's Eine fine riff
But now Mozart's a stiff
His music is also quite dead.
Was Wolfgang Amadeus called "Mo"?
I think his fans all need to know.
For they are devout
When they hear his "The Trout" - Yeah, yeah, but what Mozart piece ends with "out"?
Which starts on Sol but ends on Doh. (Projoy) All trad jazz numbers end with an "out chorus", so-called.
In contrast, the "Trout", Schubert's best
Should be witnessed while wearing one's vest
Not to look dashing,
But rather, just flashing
The orchestra with your bare breast
[Rosie] I wasn't aware Mozart was involved with trad jazz.
Jim Mozart, that king of trad jazz
And Correa, (that's Chuck and not Chaz.)
Don't forget Parker
His music's much darker
Just the thing for a night on the razz
My little imaginary pig
Wears a syrup-of-fig
It's from California
All pink, and named Sonia
Wow, man, great acid, you dig? (It's the only logical explanation)
I once bought a kilo of coke
With it my fire to stoke
But the fizz had all gone
So I downed it in one
And that's when I started to choke
A feller named Ludwig van Beet
The end of his name did delete
His tune for Elise
Can be played with some ease (Chalky) That doesn't rhyme! I dunno, woman of your calibre.
With your heart, with your hands, with your feet
[Kim] Have you heard Chalky speak? She's dreadfully posh, she'd get away with it.
This booklet is missing some pages
My interest it no more engages (pen) Did you mean that for me? :-)
'Cos the bits taken out
Were the ones all about [Rosie] "Beet" "delete", it's quite fine :P
The cut in our Directors' wages *blithely ignores Rosie's irony bypass*:-)
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