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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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Up that lump of slimy chew-bacca
A frivolous lass from Manchester
Would go out wearing just a sou'wester
She said "I'm not cold, *open quote alert*
and I'm told I'm quite bold, *continues*
by the visiting fans up from Leicester."
I won't do it! No! You can't make me!!
I will not go into that teepee
I'll stay in my yurt
, my loins primly girt
I simply will not let you take me!
A Rabbi, a Priest, and a goat
Sought out the Conservative vote
For each was a Tory
A right fairy story
Politically, they've missed the boat.
The Cup has come back to North London
It's fashioned from polycarbundun - that means 'crappy old plastic'
It leaks like a sieve
But, as long as I live,
I'll boast that at least we have won one
To Bombay, a travelling circus Sorry... ;-)
Made think us, say! what if we lurk us?
So we hid in the corner
Right behind the sauna
So no one or nothing could irk us! :)!
There was a young lass from Old Sarum
Who found herself in a sheik's harem
Though worried at first,
She rallied and cursed: *open quotes implied*
"They don't know I'm a boy! That'll scare 'em!"
[R,i,J,I,B] Heheheheh!
It's not a good morning for all
Who stayed up too late at the ball
For wine has effects
On some types of sex
Male or female, this mess will appal
I met a harpoonist from Munich
Who was seeing a Swiss gnome from Zurich
He whimpered and whaled
Then simpered and sailed Open alert...
Away in his shocking pink tunic
Bangaladesh have collapsed
[UK] What sort of Line 1 is that?
For their use of good grammar has lapsed
Can we speak Bengali? I think that's their language.
The metre and length are there, and it's a reference to the first day's play in the first test match.
[UK] sorry, I did rather pounce on you. Just a build up of mild frustration that after some wonderful free-flowing limericks over the last couple of months, this game seems to have become clogged up by clever-arse rhyming challenges. Spelling it out: Bangladesh has only two 'a's' so you've inserted an extra syllable; using a proper singular noun, the line should read 'has collapsed'; how many rhymes are there for a word ending in '-lapsed' apart from other words ending in, er ... '-lapsed'?; finally, test match eh? whoopee-dee
Curses! Let down by my spelling! Oh bugger it.
Move along now, nothing to see Giving up the previous one for dead
Except for the glory of me
clad only in pants (Chalky) Uncle K's spelling mistake improved the scansion no end, whether by accident or design. I'd like to think the latter. Am I right, UK?
As I gyrate and dance Northern pronunciation invoked. (Rosie) Of course! Ahem... Well, as I said above, I felt the scansion was fine, and I defend my use of 'Bangladesh' as a plural noun to refer to a team of individuals!
A fine jig called 'The Maid of Tralee' [UK defence] quite right too! Now what about the '-lapsed' rhyme potential? teehee :-)
They say that obsession with cricket
Makes you throw a ball and not kick it
Start yelling "Howzat!"
And "Look at my bat!"
And "Read the new Lemony Snicket." For a slightly spooky experience, try Googling "The maid of Tralee" (with the quote marks).
A golfer with only one club [Irouléguy] Try clicking on the "repeat the search with the omitted results included" for a heavy dose of repetition.
Will oft find his ball in a shrub
This provides explanation
of tight-lipped vexation
Venting frustration o'er his flub
Don't ever play poker with Mice!
And don't let the cats near the dice!
Don't play a smidgen
Of chess with a pigeon
or brag with a goat. That's vice.
Avoid playing boule with a sloth
And don't trust a Romulan's oath
When he bellows, "Oh, blast!"
Get out of there fast!
Or else it's the end for you both.
There once was a fair maid from Skye
Who would bathe in a tub full of lye
She'd scrub with wire wool
(The naïve young fool)
those parts in which men like to lie.
The difference between you and me
Is obvious. What? Can't you see?
Just look down here
There's nothing to fear
I've filled up my basement with brie
I never eat lobster or crab
On the whole, I prefer food quite drab
Don't mention a taco
Tex-Mex gets me wacko
Yes, bread rolls (I say) are just fab.
A potter from Guadalajara
Was enamoured of Maureen O'Hara
So he threw a pot
In the shape of her bot
For use in films that don't star 'er.
There once was a lonely young Tsar [oh you brits and your adorable vowels]
Who searched for a bride wide and far
In the Urals and Steppes
He found some sales reps [Software] "Steppes" is a bloody hard rhyme.
Who were wider than his Bentley car
While charging my printer with ink
I said to my spouse with a wink
"How 'bout a quickie?"
it'll be nice "n" sticky
My inkjet is hard, stiff and pink." (yes, coat)
Whilst scanning the paper for news
as distinct from political views
I chanced on a story
Both funny and gory
Of pool players impaled on cues
So, pot all the reds and screw back
And try to get onto the black [obvious rhyme]
Then chalk your tip
And prepare to let rip
Damn it! Just can't get the knack!
Eheu Alack and Alas!
+ ,
Actually, let me take another run up at that, for a better rhyme...
Eheu, alas and alack!
A lass is, alas, what I lack
So I'll look for a lad
Can it be that bad?
if I don't mind what goes up my back? Ahem
[Rosie] Considering the available rhymes, I think you showed admirable restraint there!
Believe me, it's going to snow.
This is Antarctica, that's how I know
The penguins are huddled
But my mind is muddled
Watch out! It's just ready to blow
Uhu, alas and alack
, is the glue-sniffer's version of crack (Projoy) :-) I am capable of such. I thought it was about rude enough.
It sticks things together
Be they wood, steel or leather
Why doesn't it stick to the pack?
Uhuru, alas and alek!
That momma ain't got no respec'
She got soft-boiled heggs
And dem unshaven legs
And wrinkles all over her neck
Why, George, that's the best of the year!
Took an age, but worth waiting, my dear!
The thing I most like
Is an interest rate hike
And a drop in the price of my beer
My alias, Alec O'Hara
Wears orange and ocre mascara
His glitter-gel pen
Gives a rash, now and then
But makes him look like Che Guevara
Establish your characters first
The hero's dashing, the villian's the worst
The love interest's next
With scenes of hot sex
And the heroine's bodice all burst
Now send it straight to Mills and Boon
(whose office with virgins is strewn)
Their readers adore
Affairs by the score
And sex by the light of the moon.
Prepare for a minuscule death
Don't even take a last breath
Your quietus make
as your life we Snopake
'Tis come-uppance for stalking Gwyneth
Salubrious parts of the town
Are located quite a way down
The old Royal Mile
So go there with style
With cigars, and dressed like a clown
The pedantic ethnologist screamed
For language was not as it seemed
Since Phoenician vowels
Would sound from the bowels
And consonants emerge therefrom, steamed
A disgusting limerick, to be sure
Should be full of the stench of manure
And filled up with sick
jokes about Jackson's dick
To dirty the minds of the pure
Hypnosis with strawberry jam
Can be undone with shortcake and ham
Waved before one's left eye
With a slice of Jewish rye
And really not giving a damn!
A cell that is eukaryotic
That's steeped in substances narcotic
Has a nucleotide
Thats prone to divide
To produce an antibiotic
Prions in brains of mad bovinesc
And the rancid remains of dead ovines (fifth line rhyme gauntlet laid down)
If you think this is bad
Then you must be mad
And should be held in well-kept confines
Yipsody yapsody yok
Wha-a-a-a-?
Whaaaaaat?
The mouse ran up the clock Attempting a benign recovery. Must be going soft.
The clock struck eleven
The mouse went to heaven
Yipsody yapsody yok It was the logical choice
A cursory glance would suggest
That this game has matured past its best
Or perhaps that's just us
'cos we do make a fuss
C'mon all, it's all just in jest
A limerick's no laughing matter
It's more than mundane idle chatter
It must be seriously taken
And leaves some of us shaken My apologies.
But time your illusions will shatter
To the faithful - this game invariably goes through crap phases [like now]. Luckily, it usually dusts itself down and becomes occasionally brilliant without too much prodding.
'Keep it simple' my tutor advised
Complexity's to be despised
The more succinct the better
Good metre's no fetter
To keeping your list'ner surprised
My poofreader wrote I was wong,
So I sent my first draught to Hong Kong
And lo and behold
The noodles were cold
As was ym Eggy Foo Yong
I've now installed an extractor . . . . getting into home dentistry
A turbine and nuclear reactor
But my house is still cold!
Fission's best, I was told
But forgot thermostats in to factor
A centipede learned how to dance
A fifty-leg pirouette prance
But it just cannot jive
With my big brother Clive
As fast as these forty-odd ants
Talking of centipedes, how about adding extra feet? (one per line)
The earliest type of the Irish commode
Was made from the skin of a leathery toad
My grandfather used one for racing {is that right?]
While virgins so chaste he was chasing{did he use a toad or a commode, and was he chaste?}
But had to take care or the pot overflowed.
Perhaps better as a glow centipede?
The earliest type of the Irish commode
Was made from the skin of a leathery toad
Its warts gave one's nethers a jolly good scratch
And when it wore out it was easy to patch.
When my parachute did not quite open
I plummeted down and kept hopin'
The ground would be soft
Where I stopped being aloft
And for seconds it helped me with copin' [Raak] Isn't that more of a cleripede?
[Projoy] Except a "cleripede" would be impossible, because you can't add feet to a poem with no metre, can you?
The good folk of Minsk, Belarus
Recently offered a truce (but to whom, to whom...?)
To the men of Ukraine
Who said, "What? Again?"
"No! We think this is merely a ruse"
[Darren] I was more referring to the way it used AABB rhyming structure instead of the ABCB of the glow worm. I perhaps meant "imposing feet upon the Clerihew".
'Twas Clerihew Bentley, I think,
Who caused the Belgrano to sink
As he pulled out his plug
And it started to glug
He said "It's gone down in the drink."
The Reverend Spooner, 'tis said
Beamed when his queer dean was wed
but not to Friar Tuck
Who he called "fat duck"
As he crushed their newly laid bed (matrimoni is not a sin!)
He said: "I have sailed seven seas,"
"In search of the perfect green cheese"
But alas and alack
Ive found blue, I've found black
But none in the hue of green peas
Tonight there's been lightning and thunder (Chalky) How did Edmond Clerihew Bentley cause the Belgrano to sink. I think we should be told.
And a'tearing my garments asunder
The humidity's high
From my neck to my thigh
And it's too hot to eat -- I'd just chunder!
"Abracadabra !" said the wizard
Dropping into his potion, a lizard
And a piece of a frog
Two fried balls of a hog
And from his own pet warthog, the gizzard. Brothers and sisters, let us all puke.
Quoth the hoary old priest, "Let us pray"
"That the rain won't stop tennis this day"
"It's God's favoured game"
So take the Lord's name
So that He can keep showers away"
"I'm back!", cried the happy young man
I survived the war in Iran
But President Bush
Kicked us all in the tush
In the way that only he can.
Resign if you must - I don't care!
You can sue me in court -if you dare!
But you must not try
To poke me in the eye
Or all of your sins I'll lay bare.
I find, when I travel in vans
That there's not enough room for my fans
My groupies and flunkeys
And trained helper-monkeys
Are forced to stay over at Gran's
Gran's last guests were Hansel and Gretel
While Grandad's were Debbie and Petal
While I entertained
With arts unexplained (who's slash?)
Bands: rock, punk, heavy metal.
So what's Shangri-La when at home?
It's to lie in a bathtub in foam
And feast on the feeling
Of pruning and peeling
And arouse yourself with a comb.
While trekking in Lhasa, Tibet
I met a piano quintet
The head lama played Liszt
Another was pissed
I'm taking one home as a pet
I noticed my armpits got sweaty
whenever I thought of my Betty
My hyperhydrosis
Backs up the prognosis
That I need to cool off on the jetty.
Last night as she entered her bed,
My sweat glands started to shed
Big globules of puss
Puss?! As in cat? Priceless. Carry on chaps ...
Ah med a reet fuss attempting a rescue.....
'Bout disgusting lim'ricks - 'nuff said
O to be a perfect type - ist
And to be a flawless rhymist (the scansion, on the other hand...)
That's a dream we all have, (Then tonite I’d want to get pissed!)
As we sit on the lav There's only one direction this 'limerick' is going, and that's daaaahhhnnnn
After riches (still top of the list)
Let's all get in tune with the nation
And channel our exasperation
To make a wrong right
We'll work through the night did think of "We'll kick the shite" but thought it might not pass the PC test.
In a fever of pheromonation. There's a PC test?
When you want to re-boot your PC
Make sure the keyboard's not greasy
Press "Ctrl-Alt-Del" pronounced "delete", not "del"
And all will be well
Let's try (It's a bit of a cheat) instead. [Raak] Do pay attention... ;-)
So long as you press the right key, see? / So long as you press the right key, see?
.. bifurcation to validate BOTH line 4s [mutt - I'm sure Raak knew exactly what he was doing]:-)
A young chap from Horncastle, Lincs
went once to see the Sphinx
He loved his dear camel
Whom he named after Pamel-
a Anderson. Why? 'cause she stinks.
A mad bomber from -- no, too soon for that I think.

On a stroll in the gardens of Kew [Chalky] Well, I know now, I didn't see the middle two words.

I discovered a cure for the 'flu
Once I'd eaten the herb
the bugs to disturb
And it cured too my coeliac sprue
"Play 'Misty' for me!", bellowed Wendy.
To her new man - a Turkish effendi
He played not a note
Nor strummed his sarod
Or blew on his brass horn so bendy.
I know I've been gone for a while
And left in a worrying style
But I've now done my time
And constructed a rhyme
To puzzle, bemuse and beguile:

My first letter looks like a tent
My second's a coin oft spent
Then ditto for three
The fourth's a trainee
And my last is the vowel in Lent

[Chalks]*hasn't seen a doctor in months* (dammit, because some of them are actually quite good-looking)
In a fairy tale that I once heard
McDonalds serve fresh lemon curd
Causing Little Miss Muffet
To 'Go Large' on her tuffet Oblig.
Until her-locution is slurred
I stood in the nude and yelled "Stalin!"
It didn't go down too well in Tallinn
The Estonians booed
The Lithuanians sued
Made a great document'ry for Palin Is assonance allowed...?
On this notable day for the French
They set fire to a large garden bench
It's forty foot high
The flames reached to the sky
But the smoke and the soot please don't mench'. (Bothere) Eh? I thought it was "Pay-lin".
[Rosie] That's why I asked about assonance. In the word's of Rita, "Getting the rhyme wrong..."
A lim'rick with dubious rhymes
Is barely worth nickels and dimes I don't want this to develop into a punch-up but shurely "assonance" means getting the rhyme right. Did you mean "dissonance", as Google might patronisingly ask.
It doesn't make cents My dictionary gives 'assonance' as 'partial correspondence; rough similarity', so Botherer is right about that, even if he doesn't know how to use apostrophes. *evil grin*
[Irouléguy] Doh! It's a fair cop!
And it's camp as pink tents
Much in line with The Financial Times.
I'm rowing the rivers for fun
While attempting a painting in oils (Irouléguy) I'm not going to give this up. :-) My Concise Oxford Dictionary (1964) says of assonance that the vowels must be the same but not necessarily the consonants, this being the partial correspondence you mention. Since it's vowels we're talking about I claim victory, virtue and points, and what do points mean? Derailments.
Oh, shit! Projoy, how dare you!
My subject declares
in four spades, no less . . . going with the flow
"I'm so glad it wasn't a hornet!"
A verse lacking reason or rhyme
Can be seen around here all the time
Just don't get involved [Rosie, IRG et al] Beyond the point of caring :-P
Things are easily solved
Just call it a victimless crime. (Raak) :-)
I once met a man from Morocco
where they don't get the scorching scirocco Meteorological correctness is all.
Just a pleasant mistral
Which slams doors in the hall yeah, yeah, I know it doesn't rhyme perfectly, but the picture in my head is nice :o)
And winds up the chaps on our block oh

What a pleasure it is to be given such challenging rhyming opportunities. And to get two such challenges in the one limerick! Appropos of everything - this may be of some interest to enthusiastic limerickators :-)

To know when to keep ones mouth shut
'Cos one's poesy don't make the cut
A male attribute? raising the controversy level...
No, that I'd refute (Chalky) I had thought of adding " . . and God help the fifth-liner" in the last limerick.
The very idea,indeed, tut tut
It is said that the pharaoh, King Tut
Had a frantic aversion to fruit
The mere thought of a plum
Left him forlorn and glum
And with bad indigestion to boot!
The storms of the wild Southern Ocean
Make a very unsettling commotion
Whose effect on landlubbers
Dustmen, nurses and clubbers
Evokes tormentuous emotion
O, list to these omens portentuous
Yon Cassius' a Roman contemptuous
But he has feet of Clay
So send him away!
And let's bring in Marcus Antonius
While making his last bid for glory
Michael Howard, the wily old Tory
stripped anked and swam apologies to anyone eating their lunch
Asking, "What's 'anked', kind Ma'am?"
And displaying his assets, quite hoary.
The weekend is finally here I couldn't decide whether Irouléguy had got the letters in the wrong order or simply left one out.
Lawks m'm, it's the police
I'll be loafing and vegging, right here [PM] we have nothing to hide but our genius ;o)
Opening a bottle blushes deeply
muttleee] It's the first one - a venial sin, not a mortal one.
And binging, full throttle
On the whisky and beer I've got here.
While reading some tales Canterbury
Of widows and others quite merry
I marvelled at Chaucer's
linguistic enforcers
But thought the sex unnecessary. well .. someone had to finish it :-)
[Chalks] Bravo!
In my dreams, I'm a dustbin man's moll
He whispers his love, "Aw'ight, doll?"
"I'd like ta talk dirty"
"'mong the garbage get flirty"
I came top in the Binman's Moll Poll
pen hates it when subordinates sulk
So she buys pink highlighters in bulk
She then hands them all out
Before they all pout
Or make stupid faces, or skulk. [RSnap] I think the pink pens caused the sulking ...
The best time of year to grow leeks
Are the three intermediate weeks What I want to know is, how did it realise I had spent so long thinking of a first line that Darren beat me to it and point it out?
When Winter's well-spent
and the first days of Lent I proof read with pink pen. I don't let anyone else use it, and I certainly don't hand them out!
By calendars of Orthodox Greeks
"The reason is clear" he explained
"When the grime and the grease are ingrained unfini...
In the prints on your fingers, Still unfin...
and foul odour lingers
It's time for your bath to be drained."
He continued, "I think you will find
"That a dirty bath cleanses the mind,"
And, proving his point,
He swivelled his joint
and mounted the duck from behind.
I've heard mud packs are great for complexion
Along with a Botox® injection
To the front of the brain
Straight into a vein
To give you that facial erection
To poke fun at a pig in a poke
One needs an insensitive bloke
Who lunches on cats
And wears bright purple spats
Such as the men one finds in Stoke
Your claims have no basis in fact
Men of Stoke have oodles of tact
And manners to spare
So if you are there
You'll see that their brains are intact
Unfortunately, they are insane
So is my scansion. Let's try again.
Unfortunately, they're insane
Or so say the folks from Brisbane
But how would they know?
Since they so seldom go
Anywhere Northwest of Ukraine
There was a young fellow called Keith
Who sported elongated teeth
He would prey in the night
For morsels to bite
And thusly his curse would bequeath
There was a young feller called Ernie
Who appeared in E.R. - on a gurney
He hadn't a line
But just let out a whine
As he acted the end of life's journey No flowers please. Sniffle.
When you become overly tired [continuing from "thusly" above]
You may appear badly attired
With two mismatched socks
And your sisters best frocks
(insert apostrophe wherever desired)
and those black shiny stockings you hired.
The sandman is coming, my dear
Night drapes our celestial sphere
If you shut your eyes tight
And wish hard, you just might
In the morning, with luck, still be here
Are those French fries called French by the French?
Ask that lady of wisdom, Dame Dench
No, the French call then Frites
Because of their heat
And apply them to feet - cures the stench
I drift in a boat on the ocean
I drift in a boat on the ocean
And rub, on my skin, suntan lotion
My feet get Huile d'Frites [see above]
As the French say, tout de suite,
But my vomiting's due to the motion.
And now let us celebrate summer
Tho' the weather's a bit of a bummer
We'll just be beach bums
Each downing neat rums
Before driving off in our Hummer
If you want to impress an old flame
Invite her to go on the game
For cricket she'll love
With bat, balls and glove
But removing the stumps was a pain
My favourite firework of all
Is this rocket that stands six foot tall
The touchpaper lit
It then scares the shit
out of children who stand under it
In the beautiful waters so clear
Fixing Starsky's F*uck-up

Darren - My favourite firework of all
Robin - Is this rocket that stands six foot tall
Botherer - The touchpaper lit
Rosie - It then scares the shit
Software - Out of us as sparks from it fall

Starsky - In the beautiful waters so clear

Swam two little creatures quite queer
Their antics and games
Went up in flames
Burning offshore oilrigs being near.
The weekend's upon us at last!
I'm sure we'll all have a blast!
That's dangerous talk!
Said Mindy to Mork
"You're likely to get us both glassed"
An odd-looking bird is the stork
But tasty with onions and pork
It delivers babies
And can't transmit rabies
But its voice is much better than Bjork
A chicken which once crossed the road
Fell in love with a natterjack toad
It stopped for a chat
Result, they begat
A fowl in amphibian mode
A chicken that's born with frog's legs
Results from the scrambling of eggs
When cloning goes wrong
You'll find it's not long
Before the gene pool is nothing but dregs
A tune in the Dorian mode
Sung by a natterjack toad
Is likely to cause
loud, ringing applause
From the bloke in the pub 'cross the road.
Unlike froggies, most toads are all warty
Green, slimy and not very sporty
They don't like to joke
Or eat artichoke
Or do anything cheeky or naughty
By golly that just takes the biscuit!
Ten quid for some gristly old brisket
That's just taking the piss
My arse you can kiss
The feeling is nice if you risk it
hmmm... didn't like that much, but oh well.
When will my tomatoes be ripe?
They go so well with custard and tripe
Just place in the sun
You'll know when they're done
If you are a greenhousey type.
Tomatoes make such great bruschetta
With a glass of Peroni® much better
Add some antipasta
And Laetitia Casta [Simply scrumpotious!]
Then gently bend over toiletta
So swiftly he mounted his horse
That he fell off into the gorse
I said, "That'll learn 'im"
As he fractured his sternum
Maybe now he'll agree to divorce. - pen - very funny ending to the biscuit one I thought!
When your plant starts to wither and die
You should let them pickle in lye
And then let them whiten
The more so to frighten
The Dark Gothic Masters of Rye [that was rubbish - I know - but no worse than going from a singular plant into the plural - gosh, I'm in bullish mode tonight]
It's widely assumed that pigs sweat (Chalky) Yes, you are, aren't you. What's the weather like down there in Spiral City? :-)
But just to be safe, ask the vet
He'll tell you, I'm sure,
That your pig is impure
If he don't use deodorant yet
It is widely assumed that moles sing [R,J,D,D,p - nice]
A selection from Wagner's Ring
The part of Brunnhilde
(Portrayed as a builder)
Is a concession to feminist bling.
It is said that owls they are wise
As to why I can only surmise
Since they can't do sudoku
just like that bloke who (Wymo) Their wisdom is in doing something more interesting, such as perching.
Can't also so he never tries
"Pudenda"'s a funny old word
I'd use it if I were a bird
As a bloke I'm more blunt careful.....
With a wink and a grunt "careful" he says... *rolls eyes*
Use another I'm sure you have heard.
A walk by the Nile is just grand (Rosie) Indeed.
As I stroll with my love, hand in hand
The crocodiles yawn
They'd like some soft porn
So they sit back an watch my grand stand. moving swiftly on...
When crocodiles bask by the river
Make sure that you cover your liver
In onions and gravy
And call out the Navy
'Cos they're all sure to want a thin sliver
Relax and lie back in this chair
Said the dentist, a man without care
This may not be nice
But you take my advice
Be thankful I don't drill down there
[Darren] well done - I was havering with You've got to brush more than your hair! but was thinking it was rather boringly unsubversive...
You've got to brush more than your hair Waste not...
Your teeth, for example, and where Unfinished sentence...
The sun doesn't shine
At the base of your spine
Then plait it and look debonair
Just sit down carefully afterwards, is my advice.
When digging up bodies at night
You may meet with a ghostie or sprite
They may glow in the dark
And pinch bums for a lark
And somtimes they'll give you a fright
When playing a scale on the drums
You get to a point when there comes (Pr) 'n' I fought you was musical
A high "C" that sounds
[Rosie] They could be timpani :P
Outside of the bounds
Of regular drum tum-ti-tums
You coward, come 'ere and say that!
My first-born is not- not a gay brat!,
Though often he's stroppy
His wrist is not floppy
And supports Millwall, the daft twat. (Projoy) Could be! Nudge, nudge.
Prepare for the pancake of death
Made from chocolate, beef lard, and meth
It's highly emetic
And quite anaaethetic
And doesn't do much for your breath
Now prepare for the pizza of life
Topped with joy and a sprinkling of strife
Try not to be cheesey
Life should be easy-peasy
Consumed in slices with a fork and a knife(using the scansion license #312)
Our license to life may expire
If we find ourselves playing with fire (see CdM's recent hyperlink over at MCiOS by way of demonstration)
For an arsonist's woes
And inadequate prose
May arouse a literary ire.
There once was a man from New Delhi
Whose favorite dish was Cow Jelly
But to eat sacred cow
's Something none will allow
not e'en in the trendiest deli.
A scunner, call'd Cambell by name
Tried to set the McDonnalds aflame
But he'd run out of matches Is this double mis-spelling deliberate, I ask myself.
And the terrible catch is
Big Mac Meals, not soup, enjoy fame. [Rosie] Probably to avoid being sued
Prince Phillip was once heard to grumble
When he tripped on a corgi and tumbled
"Those bloody Chinese"
"And their damn' bonsai trees"
Why can't they be ever so 'umble?
Please place all your goods in my hands
Especially the fashionable brands
I'm referring, of course,
To my job as clothes horse
And this gun will back up my demands
Splendiferous, Fabulous, Great!
It's the best thing that ever I ate!
Can I have another?
If it's not too much bother
And this time, please leave me the plate (scuse rudeness, it just arrived in my head)
An old man on the bus starts to ramble
All the passengers begin to scramble
Chaos ensued
When his rambling turned lewd
(He's a friend of 'McDonnald' and 'Cambell') please see above!
Now let us all praise leafy Surrey Do your bloody worst, then :-)
Where they make the most wonderful curry
And Woking so gray
And Esher so gay
And Bagshot all covered in slurry.
I met a young gunner named Lunz
Who wanted to go to bed soon'st
His grand stra-te-gy
To lie down before three
Was scuppered by Field Marshall Gunz
sorry - it just popped out fully-formed
Please don't try to spoil my grand plan
By beating my head with your fan
For what I've conceived
Has got me quite peeved
And I must work as fast as I can
[Chalky] ...as the bishop said to the actress.
An ant in Antananarivo
(A member, perhaps of the species noted at jodkowski.pl/we/Reuters003.html)
Speaking Spanish, said loudly, “¡Yo vivo!
Just then a grasshopper
In coat, tails and topper Madagascar is a centre of haute couture, I'll have you know.
Leapt in and gave him the heave-ho
got that one out of the way, at least
Procure me tobacco, my love
And fetch me my slippers, my dove
And do wag your tail
As I sip my cold ale
And later I'll take you above
There was a young lad from Calcutta
Who liked to hit balls with his putter
Men far and wide
With more hurt than their pride
Regretted their brush with this nutter.
Were we to proceed in this matter
With pointless, banal, inane chatter
Then boredom were certain
'Twould e'en vex Paul Merton
Who'd say we're as mad as a hatter
Whilst trying to make non-lumpy gravy
[A trick I had learned in the navy]
I added some salt
And some whisky (fine malt)
The swell sent the sailors all wavy
It seems that bad light has stopped play
And that sky looks awfully grey
For when we play darts
In these northern parts
We only play on a bright day
I wouldn't think that was my car
Without fuel it shouldn't go far
So I'll panic-buy
And my tank won't be dry
I'll be the UK's Petrol Tzar.
The Guardian seems to have shrunk in size
It's not so good for swatting those flies
But the crossword's the same
(my attempts just as lame)
I just wish they'd show more bare thighs
A pension is something you need
A truism few young folk heed (Darren) Try the Torygraph, which is trying desperately to hold on to the retired-colonel-in-Hampshire readership.
If you save all your life
and insure your dear wife
You may profit from a dastardly deed.
There was a young lady called Hilda
Who sought fame as a great body builder
The size of her pecs
Made her friends nervous wrecks
But her six-pack did mostly bewilder.
All Telegraph readers say this:
It's the Home Service I really miss
And you can take ITV
Dump it into the sea
And sink it into the abyss
You can say this about Arnold Palmer
Than many old golfers, he's calmer.
Though he's strong as an ox
And he wears mismatched socks
And never been on Panorama. Be grateful for small mercies.
On Sunday my brother was wed [I got to give a toast!]
Then brought his young bride straight to bed,
On Monday he staggered
To his Mistress, the blackguard
A cosy affair, 'nuff said
While trying to sort out the plumbing Last one - V. good!
I heard Super Mario humming
So I blew down the pipe
A loud fart very ripe
So in revenge he's taken up drumming - it's the only thing I could think of that isn't filthy
Way back in the reign of King John
Whose follies we now dwell upon
The barons revolted
The serfs they all bolted
And Runnymede staged 'Magna-thon'
While re-writing the old magna Carta
I was attacked by a catholic martyr
Who rose from the grave ...presumably...
And made me a slave
Of the hon'rable Knights of the Garter
While cooking a great fat pork chop
I spied a large maggot on top
But as they're nutricious
It was not that malicious
To serve up the meal to my pop
Ben Johnson's a bit of a cheat Nothing if not topical eh? :-) Today is the 17th anniversary of his 100m gold in Seoul though.
He took drugs to speed up his feet
But to speed up your brain
Like La Moss, try cocaine
Line up for a cracking good treat!
Let me clean 'twixt your toes, mother dear
Lest the itching becomes very bad, as I fear oh yuk
Your joints are too stiff [Pen] Was the 'yuk' for the concept or the scansion? ;-)
and I can't stand the whiff
Of your feet when I venture too near.
Unleash all those inner desires!
By admitting you love Richard Briers
And Penelope Keith
And the voice of Lord Reith - Oddly enough, I'll be seeing Richard Briers and Penelope Keith soon.
And the odour of burnt rubber tyres. Rather sensuous. OK, I'm mad.
I once met an ogre so vast
That I thought I had breathèd my last
With a 'Fee fi fo fum'
As he spat out his gum
He advised me to run away fast
So I did, and I'm here - he's outside
I think he wants me for his bride
But when he gets close
I'll give him a dose
Care of Doc Jekkyl and old Mister Hyde
Relax now - this won't hurt a bit
Bend over, expose your left tit, ...at the dentist's or shooting porno-movies?
[Marc] I see you managed to sniff out an opportunity to lower the tone - behave yourself!
For we are freemasons
Hereditas jacens
Bend over, remove all your kit In the Masonic sense of course...
In time, you will come to discover
The call of the Little Ringed Plover - oft described as a 'loud pee-oo, uttered on rising'
It starts with a shout
Of a "pee", short and stout
then an "oo" like the sigh of a lover
Is there anything left in the sky?
Which would fit in my gravy-rich pie? hungry again...
A lark or a dove?
Or a cloud high above?
Or a piggy with wings that can fly?
With catkins surrounding my face
Like high quality Nottingham lace the taught me that at school
I danced round the tree
widdershins,naturally
And then clockwise too, just in case
Strange news, ma'am, has come from abroad
Your husband has swallowed his sword
And not only that
He chewed up his spat
But has changed his socks, thank the Lord.
Golly gosh, goodness me, bless my soul!
My laptop is running on coal!
It likes nutty slack
And cocaine, beer and crack
Is there something I haven't been told?
And now that we're into October
From now until June we'll be sober
We'll drink only water
Just as we oughta
Or else one may try to disrobe'er ...do not know if that is appropriate or not for a Gentleman...
"Winter draws on", my gran used to say
And the snowdrifts will be there till May
But come rain or shine
I know you'll be mine naww...
Come spring we will all want a lay. ...don't know if that's appropriate or not for a Gentleman...
There once was a maiden who said:
"I like to be taken to bed"
'Cos I've got some lurgi
I caught it off Fergie
Who taught me how lurgi's are fed.
In Fall, when the leaves have turned gold ...brother Marc, my kine send their regards ;)
And the Autumn evenings get cold
Now the eggnogs we mix, ...Thx Gregor, and all the best to your flock!
For the fire gather sticks
And we shall sing Christmas hymns of old
There once was a masterful baker
Who married a pretty young Quaker
Of course they stayed Friends . . . disdaining any reference to oats . . .
With no reverends
And had fun with his bulbous flour shaker.
While mending a fence with some nails
A milkmaid passed swinging two pails
my cap I did doff
her pants she pulled off ...just referring to what I saw...
Now we're parents and living in Wales.
A way of discouraging weeds
Is reading them poems of Swedes
Their perplexitee Yesterday's fence-mending led to nothing more than a mended fence, alas.
From across the Nordzee
May make them repent their misdeeds. 3rd and 5th is all right, isn't it?
The third and the fifth is all right
I said to my mistress one night ......... we have a list
Her face flushed to red
As we bounced out of bed Greg'r, can you post us a copy of that list?
'Cos the fourth had been rather tight.
Imagine a cube on a plane:
is the picture clear in your brain?
Intersect with a sphere
A shape will appear (Projoy) 216 airline passengers?
That'll look like a ball down a drain
The Queen stood and waved to the crowd
The smirked as she farted aloud
s/the/then
The regal emit
A fart full of wit
To touch cloth simply isn't allowed. (Darren) Most restrained.
He promised the earth and the moon
Then said it would arrive soon magic word..?
And, lo, it appeared!
Although it looked weird
From behind, rather like a baboon.
The barometer falls, like the rain
Mercury goes down the drain
So let's not go out
Lest we go mad and shout
And get hurtiness all in our brain
*chuckles*
A yellow canary named Tweety [Projoy] Lovely finish!
As a veggie wasn't known to eat meaty (sorry)
But Sylvester (the cat)
Will have none of that
He likes puddings or something quite sweetie
Spend time in an oxygen tent
Wear boots that are cast in cement
Read that one in bold ...
This new form of training
Is physically draining
My aerobic credits are spent!
The EU's not sure about Turkey
Its past seems decidedly murky
Its Ottoman roots
Are as rank as old boots
Though its branches are looking quite perky
There once was a lad in Istanbul
[irach] Give us a chance! Can't you call it Constantinople just this once?
(pen) Hear, hear. Doesn't scan, either.
I suggest amending it to:
There once was a lad in Stamboul
Who went into town,'on the pull'
oops
It could not be said
He was right in the head
'Coz his technique was verging on cruel ... sorry - that was getting-rid-of-sad-limerick effort. Let's draw a line eh?
Don't force me to drink too much punch
I've not even had any lunch
But when I have eaten
Then I won't be beaten
So get out my way you sad bunch No, really, yous are my besht pals ever.
(Hic!) I really do love you, you know
(stifled belch)At least 'til dawn tomorrow
For it's only at night
That I'm sweetness and light
and a function-ing libi-do.
Zippedy Doo Dah, Oh My!
Who'd have guessed elephants could just fly?
And toads sing The Messiah
p****d as newts, in a choir
It's all very nice, Walt, but why?
And now let us praise margarine . . .lovely girl . . .
With its buttery taste and nice sheen
But it's stuffed full of E's
So unlikely to please - [Darren] v good :-)
Nutritionists, Cows or the Queen (who is eating it in the parlour with her bread and honey)
Decorum et dulce it est
Of my old school Latin, the best
But quo vadis, pray?
Vade in pace
Sed non sequitur you'll be blessed.
Elizabeth Violet Bott
Was rather a fine polyglot
Tho' she spoke with a lithp
Her diction was crithp
And for William she had a thoft thpot
(Projoy) It was Violet Elizabeth Bott. (I've read the books). So I'm going to thtamp my foot and thkweam and thkweam until I'm thick.
Violet Elizabeth Bott oblig
Some Mums do 'ave 'em, what?
A truculent child
Not meek, still less mild [Rosie] Oops. So it was. I read most of 'em too in my youth so should have recalled that. I think I must have just mentally transposed the names for the sake of slightly neater scansion.
Except after smoking some pot.
So, let's "big it up" for the Swiss!
And take the proverbial piss
Their fraudulent bankers . . . careful . . .
And Swiss naval tankers
And cuckoo clocks all score a miss
The Swiss Army Knife's greatest blade
Pulls hooves from the stones in a glade
And should you need slices
As you may, in a crisis,
It puts all its rivals int' shade
Pink piggies are playing in pens
On a piggery deep in the Fens
They wallow in muck (Could I just mention that the cuckoo clock is in fact a Bavarian invention and not a Swiss one. It's a popular misconception that Mrs Kim (who is Swiss) has asked me to clear up.)
But don't give a f**k appologies in advance ;-)
Until Jamie Oliver attends.
The knockings that come from my car
Have a cause which is somewhat bizarre
There's a mouse in the shaft
Woodworm, fore and aft
And the ghost of a dead Russian Tsar
One day, spurred on by a bet
I spent a whole day as a vet
Castrations and Neut'ring
Ligations and suturing
Paid off my credit card debt
If ever in need of some money very nice that last one
Keep bees and sell epicure honey
You'll feel more alive
May your apiary thrive
And your life always be sunny
A stack of six waffles is here
But at ten pounds apiece, they're quite dear.
Perhaps they're organic
Or alleviate panic
Which I'd like, as I'm wracked with fear
Darren's now got wafflophilia
Armed wit fork and syrup he'll (-khilia) *[pronunciated]*
But just say "Hang on!"
"Don't bend that fork prong"
"Stop waffling and just take this pill'ere"
What an outrageous colour is puce
It seems to be quite without use
Apart from on bras
(It looks awful on cars)
A colour old Morris Marinas abuse
The pleasure I get from a duck
Fades to nought next to that from a buck
But, as for a runt
which gets killed by the hunt (Projoy, Botherer) Further details, please . . .
It gets proned cross the hood of my truck [best way to bring the game home]
I think I've forgotten to mention
I suffer from hyper-tension
[SW] can you nick one of the spare syllables from your previous entry and put it in the line above? That's twice today. I'm laughing, honest ! :-D
'old hyper-tension'? Hmm. Whassat then?
The blood in my veins
Makes them stand out like canes
And my prick's of outrageous dimension.
Chalky doth laugh like a drain [Chalks] Glad to be able stimulate you tickle buds, especially on your 'tough day' (Orange). However, in my accent, the last entry scanned ok, the previous one, however, would have been better without the 'old', but it is a necessary qualifier for Marinas. They were old when they first appeared at the motor show.
Her giggles she cannot restrain [Software] Done it again, I think. Needs something at the front to scan properly. How about "Yon"?
My sides are just splitting (Rosie)Further details,please...
She's had to stop knitting Hope that isn't libellous.
whilst from laughing she tried to refrain
The Welsh have the gift of the gab (Softers, Kim) Can't read your comments; something odd about the font because Chalky's and pen's comments in the previous limerick are quite clear despite being small. Is there a fix for this?
And their accent is quite far from drab [Rosie] Have you tried increasing the text size in the browser?
But their fondness for L's
And wet, sheepy smells
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