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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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The feeling is nice if you risk it
hmmm... didn't like that much, but oh well.
When will my tomatoes be ripe?
They go so well with custard and tripe
Just place in the sun
You'll know when they're done
If you are a greenhousey type.
Tomatoes make such great bruschetta
With a glass of Peroni® much better
Add some antipasta
And Laetitia Casta [Simply scrumpotious!]
Then gently bend over toiletta
So swiftly he mounted his horse
That he fell off into the gorse
I said, "That'll learn 'im"
As he fractured his sternum
Maybe now he'll agree to divorce. - pen - very funny ending to the biscuit one I thought!
When your plant starts to wither and die
You should let them pickle in lye
And then let them whiten
The more so to frighten
The Dark Gothic Masters of Rye [that was rubbish - I know - but no worse than going from a singular plant into the plural - gosh, I'm in bullish mode tonight]
It's widely assumed that pigs sweat (Chalky) Yes, you are, aren't you. What's the weather like down there in Spiral City? :-)
But just to be safe, ask the vet
He'll tell you, I'm sure,
That your pig is impure
If he don't use deodorant yet
It is widely assumed that moles sing [R,J,D,D,p - nice]
A selection from Wagner's Ring
The part of Brunnhilde
(Portrayed as a builder)
Is a concession to feminist bling.
It is said that owls they are wise
As to why I can only surmise
Since they can't do sudoku
just like that bloke who (Wymo) Their wisdom is in doing something more interesting, such as perching.
Can't also so he never tries
"Pudenda"'s a funny old word
I'd use it if I were a bird
As a bloke I'm more blunt careful.....
With a wink and a grunt "careful" he says... *rolls eyes*
Use another I'm sure you have heard.
A walk by the Nile is just grand (Rosie) Indeed.
As I stroll with my love, hand in hand
The crocodiles yawn
They'd like some soft porn
So they sit back an watch my grand stand. moving swiftly on...
When crocodiles bask by the river
Make sure that you cover your liver
In onions and gravy
And call out the Navy
'Cos they're all sure to want a thin sliver
Relax and lie back in this chair
Said the dentist, a man without care
This may not be nice
But you take my advice
Be thankful I don't drill down there
[Darren] well done - I was havering with You've got to brush more than your hair! but was thinking it was rather boringly unsubversive...
You've got to brush more than your hair Waste not...
Your teeth, for example, and where Unfinished sentence...
The sun doesn't shine
At the base of your spine
Then plait it and look debonair
Just sit down carefully afterwards, is my advice.
When digging up bodies at night
You may meet with a ghostie or sprite
They may glow in the dark
And pinch bums for a lark
And somtimes they'll give you a fright
When playing a scale on the drums
You get to a point when there comes (Pr) 'n' I fought you was musical
A high "C" that sounds
[Rosie] They could be timpani :P
Outside of the bounds
Of regular drum tum-ti-tums
You coward, come 'ere and say that!
My first-born is not- not a gay brat!,
Though often he's stroppy
His wrist is not floppy
And supports Millwall, the daft twat. (Projoy) Could be! Nudge, nudge.
Prepare for the pancake of death
Made from chocolate, beef lard, and meth
It's highly emetic
And quite anaaethetic
And doesn't do much for your breath
Now prepare for the pizza of life
Topped with joy and a sprinkling of strife
Try not to be cheesey
Life should be easy-peasy
Consumed in slices with a fork and a knife(using the scansion license #312)
Our license to life may expire
If we find ourselves playing with fire (see CdM's recent hyperlink over at MCiOS by way of demonstration)
For an arsonist's woes
And inadequate prose
May arouse a literary ire.
There once was a man from New Delhi
Whose favorite dish was Cow Jelly
But to eat sacred cow
's Something none will allow
not e'en in the trendiest deli.
A scunner, call'd Cambell by name
Tried to set the McDonnalds aflame
But he'd run out of matches Is this double mis-spelling deliberate, I ask myself.
And the terrible catch is
Big Mac Meals, not soup, enjoy fame. [Rosie] Probably to avoid being sued
Prince Phillip was once heard to grumble
When he tripped on a corgi and tumbled
"Those bloody Chinese"
"And their damn' bonsai trees"
Why can't they be ever so 'umble?
Please place all your goods in my hands
Especially the fashionable brands
I'm referring, of course,
To my job as clothes horse
And this gun will back up my demands
Splendiferous, Fabulous, Great!
It's the best thing that ever I ate!
Can I have another?
If it's not too much bother
And this time, please leave me the plate (scuse rudeness, it just arrived in my head)
An old man on the bus starts to ramble
All the passengers begin to scramble
Chaos ensued
When his rambling turned lewd
(He's a friend of 'McDonnald' and 'Cambell') please see above!
Now let us all praise leafy Surrey Do your bloody worst, then :-)
Where they make the most wonderful curry
And Woking so gray
And Esher so gay
And Bagshot all covered in slurry.
I met a young gunner named Lunz
Who wanted to go to bed soon'st
His grand stra-te-gy
To lie down before three
Was scuppered by Field Marshall Gunz
sorry - it just popped out fully-formed
Please don't try to spoil my grand plan
By beating my head with your fan
For what I've conceived
Has got me quite peeved
And I must work as fast as I can
[Chalky] ...as the bishop said to the actress.
An ant in Antananarivo
(A member, perhaps of the species noted at jodkowski.pl/we/Reuters003.html)
Speaking Spanish, said loudly, “¡Yo vivo!
Just then a grasshopper
In coat, tails and topper Madagascar is a centre of haute couture, I'll have you know.
Leapt in and gave him the heave-ho
got that one out of the way, at least
Procure me tobacco, my love
And fetch me my slippers, my dove
And do wag your tail
As I sip my cold ale
And later I'll take you above
There was a young lad from Calcutta
Who liked to hit balls with his putter
Men far and wide
With more hurt than their pride
Regretted their brush with this nutter.
Were we to proceed in this matter
With pointless, banal, inane chatter
Then boredom were certain
'Twould e'en vex Paul Merton
Who'd say we're as mad as a hatter
Whilst trying to make non-lumpy gravy
[A trick I had learned in the navy]
I added some salt
And some whisky (fine malt)
The swell sent the sailors all wavy
It seems that bad light has stopped play
And that sky looks awfully grey
For when we play darts
In these northern parts
We only play on a bright day
I wouldn't think that was my car
Without fuel it shouldn't go far
So I'll panic-buy
And my tank won't be dry
I'll be the UK's Petrol Tzar.
The Guardian seems to have shrunk in size
It's not so good for swatting those flies
But the crossword's the same
(my attempts just as lame)
I just wish they'd show more bare thighs
A pension is something you need
A truism few young folk heed (Darren) Try the Torygraph, which is trying desperately to hold on to the retired-colonel-in-Hampshire readership.
If you save all your life
and insure your dear wife
You may profit from a dastardly deed.
There was a young lady called Hilda
Who sought fame as a great body builder
The size of her pecs
Made her friends nervous wrecks
But her six-pack did mostly bewilder.
All Telegraph readers say this:
It's the Home Service I really miss
And you can take ITV
Dump it into the sea
And sink it into the abyss
You can say this about Arnold Palmer
Than many old golfers, he's calmer.
Though he's strong as an ox
And he wears mismatched socks
And never been on Panorama. Be grateful for small mercies.
On Sunday my brother was wed [I got to give a toast!]
Then brought his young bride straight to bed,
On Monday he staggered
To his Mistress, the blackguard
A cosy affair, 'nuff said
While trying to sort out the plumbing Last one - V. good!
I heard Super Mario humming
So I blew down the pipe
A loud fart very ripe
So in revenge he's taken up drumming - it's the only thing I could think of that isn't filthy
Way back in the reign of King John
Whose follies we now dwell upon
The barons revolted
The serfs they all bolted
And Runnymede staged 'Magna-thon'
While re-writing the old magna Carta
I was attacked by a catholic martyr
Who rose from the grave ...presumably...
And made me a slave
Of the hon'rable Knights of the Garter
While cooking a great fat pork chop
I spied a large maggot on top
But as they're nutricious
It was not that malicious
To serve up the meal to my pop
Ben Johnson's a bit of a cheat Nothing if not topical eh? :-) Today is the 17th anniversary of his 100m gold in Seoul though.
He took drugs to speed up his feet
But to speed up your brain
Like La Moss, try cocaine
Line up for a cracking good treat!
Let me clean 'twixt your toes, mother dear
Lest the itching becomes very bad, as I fear oh yuk
Your joints are too stiff [Pen] Was the 'yuk' for the concept or the scansion? ;-)
and I can't stand the whiff
Of your feet when I venture too near.
Unleash all those inner desires!
By admitting you love Richard Briers
And Penelope Keith
And the voice of Lord Reith - Oddly enough, I'll be seeing Richard Briers and Penelope Keith soon.
And the odour of burnt rubber tyres. Rather sensuous. OK, I'm mad.
I once met an ogre so vast
That I thought I had breathèd my last
With a 'Fee fi fo fum'
As he spat out his gum
He advised me to run away fast
So I did, and I'm here - he's outside
I think he wants me for his bride
But when he gets close
I'll give him a dose
Care of Doc Jekkyl and old Mister Hyde
Relax now - this won't hurt a bit
Bend over, expose your left tit, ...at the dentist's or shooting porno-movies?
[Marc] I see you managed to sniff out an opportunity to lower the tone - behave yourself!
For we are freemasons
Hereditas jacens
Bend over, remove all your kit In the Masonic sense of course...
In time, you will come to discover
The call of the Little Ringed Plover - oft described as a 'loud pee-oo, uttered on rising'
It starts with a shout
Of a "pee", short and stout
then an "oo" like the sigh of a lover
Is there anything left in the sky?
Which would fit in my gravy-rich pie? hungry again...
A lark or a dove?
Or a cloud high above?
Or a piggy with wings that can fly?
With catkins surrounding my face
Like high quality Nottingham lace the taught me that at school
I danced round the tree
widdershins,naturally
And then clockwise too, just in case
Strange news, ma'am, has come from abroad
Your husband has swallowed his sword
And not only that
He chewed up his spat
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