mc5 - The Obligatory Limericks Game

I'll check if he's there.....oh he's gone

I can't look; if I do I am cursed

by those who despise Damien Hirst

Because he's preserved

A sheep dipped in derv

But you'll have to admit - that's a first.

As I stepped away from the urinal

I went arse-over-tit on the vinyl

Then I slid to the sink

Set my nose in a kink

Now it smells just like Domestos pine'll

When dogs catch the scent of a pine

They'll either cock a leg or whine

But the worst part is this

On your leg they may p*ss rising to the bait :-)

And the owners a £25 fine

There's going to be an election

So gentlemen, wear some protection

For what's coming up

From the depths of my cup

It's a wonder of nat'ral selection.

On this day of a right royal wedding

All adultrous stigma they're shedding

But to just say 'Ones Sorry'

Kevin

For a 31-year foray

Would ignore many sessions of bedding

I bring you a new kind of drink

It is made with the musk of a mink

And, since it is fizzy,

You're bound to get dizzy (Oblig.)

And spill most of the drink down the sink

I did about half, then gave up

It's so hard to wash a whole cup

With hands that are soft

I just lazily waft

Some Fairy suds in the general direction of the kitchen sink and then wander off to play with my Weimeraner pup

The battle for gold is intense

though tin's just as good, and less dense

The bronze age's agent

Was copper's reagent Basta*d rhyme, mutter, gripe

But steel wire's the best for a fence

I'm willing to negotiate

Please Joe, say it ain't so

argh, sorry...

Kim - I'm willing to negotiate

CdM - So tell me please, what's your best rate?

If we can agree [CdM] What a curious misspost - am wondering if it offers a window into your psyche :-)

By quarter to three

Then we can make it before its too late

variation time:
May we invite alternative last lines? [no offence, S'ware] It seemed to have so much potential ...
I'll start with
I'm willing to negotiate
So tell me please, what's your best rate?
If we can agree
By quarter to three
My ego won't over-inflate.

[Chalky] Nothing so interesting; I just failed to notice when I previewed that I was also simulposted. :-)

[CdM] I used to have a really patronising message warning you about that, but it upset snorgle so I turned it off.

By four-o-clock I'll find a date

This time I won't procrastinate

So let's get it on

Tuj] I may be wrong but I think the previous two lines were alternative endings - which is entirely my fault for over-complicating things ...however, it all fits so I'll follow ..
Chalky - Before this mood's gone

So to bed where we'll procreate [Suitable, Chalks?]

[CdM, Chalks, Irouleguy, Softers, Juxtapose, Pen, Tuj] Most satisfactory. This should become a variation of the game, where a number of alternatives for lines 3, 4 and 5 are suggested (but 1 and 2 remain fixed).
Now, if you'll just slip on this slip

You may trip up just a bit Thanks for the accolade, Kim :-)

And slide on the floor

And collide with the door

Taking care not to bite on your lip

There once was an artist from Prague

Who painted the central Camargue

White horses galore

Galloping along the shore

Entre toute des grandes vagues

There was a young lady from Tottenham (Softers) Je suis impressionné

Short skirts - wow! She really looked hot 'n 'em

With her legs e're so long

And quadriceps strong

Néa

And clogs, that she got straight from Rotterdam.

A gent who was sent up to Ghent

Caused havoc wherever he went

When he jourmeyed from Aix

"journeyed"...

He let loose a hex

Since his pronunciation was bent

You give me lager when I ask for beer

And cast me down when I just want good cheer Are we creating a new form, the limeronnet?

But give me a cider [Raak] No... ;)

Complete with dead spider Ahhhh! scrumpy..

And you just watch me disappear!

"Would you like an extra strong mint?"

As a chat-up line [maybe a hint?]

Can only be said

"I'd rather be dead!"

"Well, I'd buy you a beer, but I'm skint"

When you finish your call and ring off

I can't help but think "what a toff"

Your accent is posh

You talk utter tosh

From my list you will now be struck orff.

I once met a psychic named Beth

Who told me the date of my death

It was two months ago

Which just goes to show

Thou shouldst e'er ignore what Beth saith.

I died on the first day of Spring

And lay dead as a very dead thing

I nourish the worms

But can't come to terms

With r&b, swingbeat or bling

The one thing to remember is this:

Keep your feet wide apart when you piss sorrysorrysorry

Urine-soaked feet

For girl's is not neat

You'll not be number one for a kiss.

The good folk of Tierra del Fuego

Bif

Know just how to make a good play go

Their theatre's fame

Derives from its name:

"The Performers of Japanese Plays - No"

The insurance you sold me's no cushion

So don't come back round to me pushin'

Bigsmith

With your foot in the door

Your patter's a bore

So scram, or I'll clobber yer mush in!

Align

Let's open a new pack of verses

So cough up, chaps, and open your purses

They cost a pound each

Irouéguy

The basics we'll teach

Of rhyming and meter and curses

The people who live down the road

Have cornered the market in woad

They paint themselves blue

An interesting hue

Then explode like a germanic toad (what a great story that was)

Actually; following on from the aborted bifurcating limerick...

As you eat this Duck à l'Uranium

To the sound of the sweet-toned harmanium (which is like a harmonium, but more harmanous)

You might catch a queck (which is like quick but more quacky)

peek at the old beck (which is like a bick, but sharper)

Or dig around inside its cranium. (which is a bit like a...oh, sod it.)

One holiday weekend in May

I went to a very strange play

Just an empty old stage

Holding Nicholas Cage

With music by John. Stay away.

I wish I could play violin

'Cos fiddling is said to be 'in'

Like fiddling the books

With too many cooks

Kiwi Chris

Can lead to many a sin

Kiwi Chris

rats misaligned

In politics, all is not fair

Unless you support Tony Blair

Whose radical stance

on invading France

Touched the heart of the public right there.

The wilderness threatens my garden

So in tactics I beg no one's pardon

I'll brandish this scythe

And Paraquat-ize

And wait for the green concrete to harden

Bordellos in Brighton-on-Sea

Actually, scrub that, probably has more potential as:
Bordellos on Frinton-on-Sea

Are the place where we'd all like to be

Yes, grab a granny

And then shag a trannie [oh dear- SO sorry - very naughty]

with no need to fear pregnancee. ©G & S

I bring you the following news:

The government's bought Rodney Bewes

They're selling Mo Mowlam

(She was just a golem)

And increasing the tax on left shoes [Chalks] Re: Rude line - I wrote almost the same one myself but then thought better of it and didn't post it!

[pen] ah yes, my 'bravery'. Look at the time of posting :-)
[Rosie] Top finishing btw
[K,UK,m,INJ,p] latest lim - bravo!

She attributes her high popularity

st dogmael

To her straightforward honest vulgarity

Her Je ne sais quoi

And the size of her bra Sorry...

Are the cause of much frequent hilarity.

Oh, woe and alas and alack!

My baby's been caught smoking crack!

I do hope her craving

Will stop her from shaving

The fur off our guinea pig's back.

I've been lost for a rather long time

Got stuck in the sunniest clime

It might sound inviting

But not when you're fighting

for rhyme so sublime it will chime.

Tomorrow, I think I'll go fishing

My Wife wont even know that I'm missing

I'll take stacks of beer

To the end of the pier

And over the end I'll be pissing oblig.

Of first lines, I'm heartily sick (six out of the last nine, including this one)

They really do get on my wick

So next time I'll wait

till I see the bait (pen) Isn't that rather difficult for the fair sex?

Then in my 10p's worth I'll stick!

[Rosie: a propos your comment to pen: my family and I (including my wife's mother) were out for a walk in the New Forest some while ago. Half way through the walk, my mother-in-law had to heed the call of nature and took herself off the path. My younger son, Sam, noticed her absence. "Where's Grandma Alice gone?", he asked. "She's gone to do a wee-wee", my wife told him. He absorbed this information and we moved on. After a few moments, he tugged at my sleeve. I leaned down and he whispered urgently into my ear: "how's she going to hit the tree?".

It seems I just can't stop this racket

Next time I may add one more bracket ;-)

and layers of felt (Kim) He knows too much. :-)

Pulled from my belt

And pockets I tore from your jacket a bit weak, but it seems nobody wanted to end this one...

I double-post here to spare Kim

For too many first lines is grim

But third line is easy

By the fourth, I am queasy

Now we're done, so back over to him

!Kim

If you think this is me - well it's not

!penelope

But quite who it is, I forgot

!Dazed5

It certainly aint me

!Chalky

And I am not he

!Dujon

So let's explore who we are - in the cot.

Three hundred grams of hard cheese

Dazed5

Lovingly applied to the knees

Will server to save

A maid or a knave

From vicious attacks of large bees

While applying a nice coat of lacquer

My wrist just gets limper and slacker

But, once it dries off

I stiffen and cough

Up that lump of slimy chew-bacca

A frivolous lass from Manchester

Would go out wearing just a sou'wester

She said "I'm not cold, *open quote alert*

and I'm told I'm quite bold, *continues*

by the visiting fans up from Leicester."

I won't do it! No! You can't make me!!

I will not go into that teepee

I'll stay in my yurt

, my loins primly girt

Irach

I simply will not let you take me!

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a goat

Sought out the Conservative vote

For each was a Tory

A right fairy story

Politically, they've missed the boat.

The Cup has come back to North London

It's fashioned from polycarbundun - that means 'crappy old plastic'

It leaks like a sieve

But, as long as I live,

I'll boast that at least we have won one

To Bombay, a travelling circus Sorry... ;-)

Notoncompanytime

Made think us, say! what if we lurk us?

So we hid in the corner

Right behind the sauna

So no one or nothing could irk us! :)!

Linearity

There was a young lass from Old Sarum

Who found herself in a sheik's harem

Though worried at first,

She rallied and cursed: *open quotes implied*

"They don't know I'm a boy! That'll scare 'em!"

[R,i,J,I,B] Heheheheh!
It's not a good morning for all

Who stayed up too late at the ball

For wine has effects

On some types of sex

Male or female, this mess will appal

I met a harpoonist from Munich

Who was seeing a Swiss gnome from Zurich

He whimpered and whaled

Then simpered and sailed Open alert...

Away in his shocking pink tunic

Bangaladesh have collapsed

[UK] What sort of Line 1 is that?

For their use of good grammar has lapsed

Can we speak Bengali? I think that's their language.

The metre and length are there, and it's a reference to the first day's play in the first test match.

[UK] sorry, I did rather pounce on you. Just a build up of mild frustration that after some wonderful free-flowing limericks over the last couple of months, this game seems to have become clogged up by clever-arse rhyming challenges. Spelling it out: Bangladesh has only two 'a's' so you've inserted an extra syllable; using a proper singular noun, the line should read 'has collapsed'; how many rhymes are there for a word ending in '-lapsed' apart from other words ending in, er ... '-lapsed'?; finally, test match eh? whoopee-dee

Curses! Let down by my spelling! Oh bugger it.

Line and length

Move along now, nothing to see Giving up the previous one for dead

Except for the glory of me

clad only in pants (Chalky) Uncle K's spelling mistake improved the scansion no end, whether by accident or design. I'd like to think the latter. Am I right, UK?

As I gyrate and dance Northern pronunciation invoked. (Rosie) Of course! Ahem... Well, as I said above, I felt the scansion was fine, and I defend my use of 'Bangladesh' as a plural noun to refer to a team of individuals!

A fine jig called 'The Maid of Tralee' [UK defence] quite right too! Now what about the '-lapsed' rhyme potential? teehee :-)

They say that obsession with cricket

Makes you throw a ball and not kick it

Start yelling "Howzat!"

And "Look at my bat!"

And "Read the new Lemony Snicket." For a slightly spooky experience, try Googling "The maid of Tralee" (with the quote marks).

A golfer with only one club [Irouléguy] Try clicking on the "repeat the search with the omitted results included" for a heavy dose of repetition.

Will oft find his ball in a shrub

This provides explanation

of tight-lipped vexation

Venting frustration o'er his flub

widey

Don't ever play poker with Mice!

And don't let the cats near the dice!

Don't play a smidgen

Of chess with a pigeon

or brag with a goat. That's vice.

Avoid playing boule with a sloth

And don't trust a Romulan's oath

When he bellows, "Oh, blast!"

Get out of there fast!

Or else it's the end for you both.

There once was a fair maid from Skye

Who would bathe in a tub full of lye

She'd scrub with wire wool

(The naïve young fool)

those parts in which men like to lie.

The difference between you and me

Is obvious. What? Can't you see?

Just look down here

There's nothing to fear

I've filled up my basement with brie

I never eat lobster or crab

On the whole, I prefer food quite drab

Don't mention a taco

Tex-Mex gets me wacko

Yes, bread rolls (I say) are just fab.

A potter from Guadalajara

Was enamoured of Maureen O'Hara

So he threw a pot

In the shape of her bot

For use in films that don't star 'er.

There once was a lonely young Tsar [oh you brits and your adorable vowels]

Who searched for a bride wide and far

In the Urals and Steppes

He found some sales reps [Software] "Steppes" is a bloody hard rhyme.

Who were wider than his Bentley car

While charging my printer with ink

I said to my spouse with a wink

"How 'bout a quickie?"

widey

it'll be nice "n" sticky

My inkjet is hard, stiff and pink." (yes, coat)

Whilst scanning the paper for news

as distinct from political views

I chanced on a story

Breadmaster

Both funny and gory

Of pool players impaled on cues

So, pot all the reds and screw back

And try to get onto the black [obvious rhyme]

Then chalk your tip

And prepare to let rip

Damn it! Just can't get the knack!

Eheu Alack and Alas!

+ ,

Actually, let me take another run up at that, for a better rhyme...

Eheu, alas and alack!

A lass is, alas, what I lack

So I'll look for a lad

Can it be that bad?

if I don't mind what goes up my back? Ahem

[Rosie] Considering the available rhymes, I think you showed admirable restraint there!

Believe me, it's going to snow.

This is Antarctica, that's how I know

The penguins are huddled

But my mind is muddled

Watch out! It's just ready to blow

Uhu, alas and alack

, is the glue-sniffer's version of crack (Projoy) :-) I am capable of such. I thought it was about rude enough.

It sticks things together

Be they wood, steel or leather

Why doesn't it stick to the pack?

Uhuru, alas and alek!

That momma ain't got no respec'

She got soft-boiled heggs

And dem unshaven legs

And wrinkles all over her neck

Why, George, that's the best of the year!

Took an age, but worth waiting, my dear!

The thing I most like

Is an interest rate hike

And a drop in the price of my beer

My alias, Alec O'Hara

Wears orange and ocre mascara

His glitter-gel pen

Gives a rash, now and then

But makes him look like Che Guevara

Establish your characters first

The hero's dashing, the villian's the worst

The love interest's next

With scenes of hot sex

And the heroine's bodice all burst

Now send it straight to Mills and Boon

(whose office with virgins is strewn)

Their readers adore

Affairs by the score

And sex by the light of the moon.

Prepare for a minuscule death

Don't even take a last breath

Your quietus make

as your life we Snopake

'Tis come-uppance for stalking Gwyneth

Salubrious parts of the town

Are located quite a way down

The old Royal Mile

So go there with style

With cigars, and dressed like a clown

The pedantic ethnologist screamed

For language was not as it seemed

Since Phoenician vowels

Would sound from the bowels

And consonants emerge therefrom, steamed

A disgusting limerick, to be sure

Should be full of the stench of manure

And filled up with sick

jokes about Jackson's dick

Suzfork

To dirty the minds of the pure

Hypnosis with strawberry jam

Can be undone with shortcake and ham

Waved before one's left eye

With a slice of Jewish rye

And really not giving a damn!

Realinement

A cell that is eukaryotic

That's steeped in substances narcotic

Has a nucleotide

Thats prone to divide

To produce an antibiotic

Prions in brains of mad bovinesc

And the rancid remains of dead ovines (fifth line rhyme gauntlet laid down)

If you think this is bad

Then you must be mad

And should be held in well-kept confines

Yipsody yapsody yok

Wha-a-a-a-?

Whaaaaaat?

The mouse ran up the clock Attempting a benign recovery. Must be going soft.

The clock struck eleven

The mouse went to heaven

Yipsody yapsody yok It was the logical choice

A cursory glance would suggest

That this game has matured past its best

Or perhaps that's just us

'cos we do make a fuss

C'mon all, it's all just in jest

A limerick's no laughing matter

It's more than mundane idle chatter

It must be seriously taken

And leaves some of us shaken My apologies.

But time your illusions will shatter

To the faithful - this game invariably goes through crap phases [like now]. Luckily, it usually dusts itself down and becomes occasionally brilliant without too much prodding.

'Keep it simple' my tutor advised

Complexity's to be despised

The more succinct the better

Good metre's no fetter

To keeping your list'ner surprised

My poofreader wrote I was wong,

So I sent my first draught to Hong Kong

And lo and behold

The noodles were cold

As was ym Eggy Foo Yong

I've now installed an extractor . . . . getting into home dentistry

A turbine and nuclear reactor

But my house is still cold!

Fission's best, I was told

But forgot thermostats in to factor

A centipede learned how to dance

A fifty-leg pirouette prance

But it just cannot jive

With my big brother Clive

As fast as these forty-odd ants

Talking of centipedes, how about adding extra feet? (one per line)
The earliest type of the Irish commode

Was made from the skin of a leathery toad

My grandfather used one for racing {is that right?]

While virgins so chaste he was chasing{did he use a toad or a commode, and was he chaste?}

But had to take care or the pot overflowed.
Perhaps better as a glow centipede?

The earliest type of the Irish commode
Was made from the skin of a leathery toad
Its warts gave one's nethers a jolly good scratch
And when it wore out it was easy to patch.

When my parachute did not quite open

I plummeted down and kept hopin'

The ground would be soft

Where I stopped being aloft

And for seconds it helped me with copin' [Raak] Isn't that more of a cleripede?

[Projoy] Except a "cleripede" would be impossible, because you can't add feet to a poem with no metre, can you?

The good folk of Minsk, Belarus

Recently offered a truce (but to whom, to whom...?)

To the men of Ukraine

Who said, "What? Again?"

"No! We think this is merely a ruse"

[Darren] I was more referring to the way it used AABB rhyming structure instead of the ABCB of the glow worm. I perhaps meant "imposing feet upon the Clerihew".

'Twas Clerihew Bentley, I think,

Who caused the Belgrano to sink

As he pulled out his plug

And it started to glug

He said "It's gone down in the drink."

The Reverend Spooner, 'tis said

Beamed when his queer dean was wed

but not to Friar Tuck

Who he called "fat duck"

As he crushed their newly laid bed (matrimoni is not a sin!)

He said: "I have sailed seven seas,"

"In search of the perfect green cheese"

But alas and alack

Ive found blue, I've found black

But none in the hue of green peas

Tonight there's been lightning and thunder (Chalky) How did Edmond Clerihew Bentley cause the Belgrano to sink. I think we should be told.

And a'tearing my garments asunder

The humidity's high

From my neck to my thigh

And it's too hot to eat -- I'd just chunder!

"Abracadabra !" said the wizard

Dropping into his potion, a lizard

And a piece of a frog

Two fried balls of a hog

And from his own pet warthog, the gizzard. Brothers and sisters, let us all puke.

Quoth the hoary old priest, "Let us pray"

"That the rain won't stop tennis this day"

"It's God's favoured game"

So take the Lord's name

So that He can keep showers away"

"I'm back!", cried the happy young man

I survived the war in Iran

But President Bush

Kicked us all in the tush

In the way that only he can.

Resign if you must - I don't care!

You can sue me in court -if you dare!

But you must not try

To poke me in the eye

Or all of your sins I'll lay bare.

I find, when I travel in vans

That there's not enough room for my fans

My groupies and flunkeys

And trained helper-monkeys

Are forced to stay over at Gran's

Gran's last guests were Hansel and Gretel

While Grandad's were Debbie and Petal

While I entertained

With arts unexplained (who's slash?)

Bands: rock, punk, heavy metal.

So what's Shangri-La when at home?

It's to lie in a bathtub in foam

And feast on the feeling

Of pruning and peeling

And arouse yourself with a comb.

While trekking in Lhasa, Tibet

I met a piano quintet

The head lama played Liszt

Another was pissed

I'm taking one home as a pet

I noticed my armpits got sweaty

Effable

whenever I thought of my Betty

My hyperhydrosis

Backs up the prognosis

That I need to cool off on the jetty.

Last night as she entered her bed,

My sweat glands started to shed

Big globules of puss

Puss?! As in cat? Priceless. Carry on chaps ...

Ah med a reet fuss attempting a rescue.....

'Bout disgusting lim'ricks - 'nuff said

O to be a perfect type - ist

And to be a flawless rhymist (the scansion, on the other hand...)

That's a dream we all have, (Then tonite I’d want to get pissed!)

As we sit on the lav There's only one direction this 'limerick' is going, and that's daaaahhhnnnn

After riches (still top of the list)

Let's all get in tune with the nation

And channel our exasperation

To make a wrong right

We'll work through the night did think of "We'll kick the shite" but thought it might not pass the PC test.

Wol

In a fever of pheromonation. There's a PC test?

When you want to re-boot your PC

Make sure the keyboard's not greasy

Press "Ctrl-Alt-Del" pronounced "delete", not "del"

And all will be well

Let's try (It's a bit of a cheat) instead. [Raak] Do pay attention... ;-)

So long as you press the right key, see? / So long as you press the right key, see?
.. bifurcation to validate BOTH line 4s [mutt - I'm sure Raak knew exactly what he was doing]:-)

A young chap from Horncastle, Lincs

nights

went once to see the Sphinx

He loved his dear camel

Whom he named after Pamel-

a Anderson. Why? 'cause she stinks.

A mad bomber from -- no, too soon for that I think.

On a stroll in the gardens of Kew [Chalky] Well, I know now, I didn't see the middle two words.

I discovered a cure for the 'flu

Once I'd eaten the herb

the bugs to disturb

And it cured too my coeliac sprue

"Play 'Misty' for me!", bellowed Wendy.

To her new man - a Turkish effendi

nights

He played not a note

Nor strummed his sarod

Or blew on his brass horn so bendy.

I know I've been gone for a while

And left in a worrying style

But I've now done my time

nights

And constructed a rhyme

To puzzle, bemuse and beguile:

My first letter looks like a tent
My second's a coin oft spent
Then ditto for three
The fourth's a trainee
And my last is the vowel in Lent

[Chalks]*hasn't seen a doctor in months* (dammit, because some of them are actually quite good-looking)

In a fairy tale that I once heard

McDonalds serve fresh lemon curd

Causing Little Miss Muffet

To 'Go Large' on her tuffet Oblig.

Until her-locution is slurred

I stood in the nude and yelled "Stalin!"

It didn't go down too well in Tallinn

The Estonians booed

retiredpete

The Lithuanians sued

Made a great document'ry for Palin Is assonance allowed...?

On this notable day for the French

They set fire to a large garden bench

It's forty foot high

The flames reached to the sky

But the smoke and the soot please don't mench'. (Bothere) Eh? I thought it was "Pay-lin".

[Rosie] That's why I asked about assonance. In the word's of Rita, "Getting the rhyme wrong..."
A lim'rick with dubious rhymes

Is barely worth nickels and dimes I don't want this to develop into a punch-up but shurely "assonance" means getting the rhyme right. Did you mean "dissonance", as Google might patronisingly ask.

It doesn't make cents My dictionary gives 'assonance' as 'partial correspondence; rough similarity', so Botherer is right about that, even if he doesn't know how to use apostrophes. *evil grin*

[Irouléguy] Doh! It's a fair cop!

And it's camp as pink tents

Much in line with The Financial Times.

I'm rowing the rivers for fun

While attempting a painting in oils (Irouléguy) I'm not going to give this up. :-) My Concise Oxford Dictionary (1964) says of assonance that the vowels must be the same but not necessarily the consonants, this being the partial correspondence you mention. Since it's vowels we're talking about I claim victory, virtue and points, and what do points mean? Derailments.

Oh, shit! Projoy, how dare you!

My subject declares

in four spades, no less . . . going with the flow

"I'm so glad it wasn't a hornet!"

A verse lacking reason or rhyme

Can be seen around here all the time

Just don't get involved [Rosie, IRG et al] Beyond the point of caring :-P

Things are easily solved

Just call it a victimless crime. (Raak) :-)

I once met a man from Morocco

where they don't get the scorching scirocco Meteorological correctness is all.

Just a pleasant mistral

Which slams doors in the hall yeah, yeah, I know it doesn't rhyme perfectly, but the picture in my head is nice :o)

And winds up the chaps on our block oh

What a pleasure it is to be given such challenging rhyming opportunities. And to get two such challenges in the one limerick! Appropos of everything - this may be of some interest to enthusiastic limerickators :-)

To know when to keep ones mouth shut

'Cos one's poesy don't make the cut

A male attribute? raising the controversy level...

No, that I'd refute (Chalky) I had thought of adding " . . and God help the fifth-liner" in the last limerick.

The very idea,indeed, tut tut

Forgotten_____

It is said that the pharaoh, King Tut

Had a frantic aversion to fruit

The mere thought of a plum

Left him forlorn and glum

And with bad indigestion to boot!

The storms of the wild Southern Ocean

Make a very unsettling commotion

Whose effect on landlubbers

Dustmen, nurses and clubbers

Evokes tormentuous emotion

O, list to these omens portentuous

Yon Cassius' a Roman contemptuous

But he has feet of Clay

So send him away!

And let's bring in Marcus Antonius

While making his last bid for glory

Michael Howard, the wily old Tory

stripped anked and swam apologies to anyone eating their lunch

Asking, "What's 'anked', kind Ma'am?"

And displaying his assets, quite hoary.

The weekend is finally here I couldn't decide whether Irouléguy had got the letters in the wrong order or simply left one out.

Peter M

Lawks m'm, it's the police

I'll be loafing and vegging, right here [PM] we have nothing to hide but our genius ;o)

Opening a bottle blushes deeply
muttleee] It's the first one - a venial sin, not a mortal one.

And binging, full throttle

On the whisky and beer I've got here.

While reading some tales Canterbury

Of widows and others quite merry

I marvelled at Chaucer's

linguistic enforcers

But thought the sex unnecessary. well .. someone had to finish it :-)

[Chalks] Bravo!
In my dreams, I'm a dustbin man's moll

He whispers his love, "Aw'ight, doll?"

"I'd like ta talk dirty"

"'mong the garbage get flirty"

I came top in the Binman's Moll Poll

pen hates it when subordinates sulk

Dazed5

So she buys pink highlighters in bulk

She then hands them all out

iredSnapper

Before they all pout

Or make stupid faces, or skulk. [RSnap] I think the pink pens caused the sulking ...

The best time of year to grow leeks

Are the three intermediate weeks What I want to know is, how did it realise I had spent so long thinking of a first line that Darren beat me to it and point it out?

When Winter's well-spent

and the first days of Lent I proof read with pink pen. I don't let anyone else use it, and I certainly don't hand them out!

By calendars of Orthodox Greeks

"The reason is clear" he explained

"When the grime and the grease are ingrained unfini...

In the prints on your fingers, Still unfin...

and foul odour lingers

It's time for your bath to be drained."

He continued, "I think you will find

"That a dirty bath cleanses the mind,"

And, proving his point,

He swivelled his joint

and mounted the duck from behind.

I've heard mud packs are great for complexion

Along with a Botox® injection

To the front of the brain

Straight into a vein

To give you that facial erection

To poke fun at a pig in a poke

One needs an insensitive bloke

Who lunches on cats

And wears bright purple spats

Such as the men one finds in Stoke

Your claims have no basis in fact

Men of Stoke have oodles of tact

And manners to spare

So if you are there

You'll see that their brains are intact

Unfortunately, they are insane

So is my scansion. Let's try again.

Unfortunately, they're insane

Or so say the folks from Brisbane

But how would they know?

Since they so seldom go

Anywhere Northwest of Ukraine

There was a young fellow called Keith

Who sported elongated teeth

He would prey in the night

For morsels to bite

And thusly his curse would bequeath

There was a young feller called Ernie

Who appeared in E.R. - on a gurney

He hadn't a line

But just let out a whine

As he acted the end of life's journey No flowers please. Sniffle.

When you become overly tired [continuing from "thusly" above]

You may appear badly attired

With two mismatched socks

And your sisters best frocks

(insert apostrophe wherever desired)

and those black shiny stockings you hired.

The sandman is coming, my dear

Night drapes our celestial sphere

If you shut your eyes tight

And wish hard, you just might

In the morning, with luck, still be here

Are those French fries called French by the French?

Ask that lady of wisdom, Dame Dench

No, the French call then Frites

Because of their heat

And apply them to feet - cures the stench
I drift in a boat on the ocean

I drift in a boat on the ocean

And rub, on my skin, suntan lotion

RedsSnapper

My feet get Huile d'Frites [see above]

As the French say, tout de suite,

But my vomiting's due to the motion.

And now let us celebrate summer

Tho' the weather's a bit of a bummer

We'll just be beach bums

Each downing neat rums

Before driving off in our Hummer

If you want to impress an old flame

Invite her to go on the game

For cricket she'll love

With bat, balls and glove

Gruff

But removing the stumps was a pain

My favourite firework of all

Robin

Is this rocket that stands six foot tall

The touchpaper lit

It then scares the shit

Starsky

out of children who stand under it

Starsky

In the beautiful waters so clear

Fixing Starsky's F*uck-up

Darren - My favourite firework of all
Robin - Is this rocket that stands six foot tall
Botherer - The touchpaper lit
Rosie - It then scares the shit
Software - Out of us as sparks from it fall

Starsky - In the beautiful waters so clear

Swam two little creatures quite queer

Their antics and games

Went up in flames

Burning offshore oilrigs being near.

The weekend's upon us at last!

I'm sure we'll all have a blast!

That's dangerous talk!

Said Mindy to Mork

"You're likely to get us both glassed"

An odd-looking bird is the stork

But tasty with onions and pork

It delivers babies

And can't transmit rabies

But its voice is much better than Bjork

A chicken which once crossed the road

Fell in love with a natterjack toad

It stopped for a chat

Result, they begat

A fowl in amphibian mode

Line_ prompt

A chicken that's born with frog's legs

Results from the scrambling of eggs

When cloning goes wrong

You'll find it's not long

Before the gene pool is nothing but dregs

A tune in the Dorian mode

Sung by a natterjack toad

Is likely to cause

loud, ringing applause

From the bloke in the pub 'cross the road.

Unlike froggies, most toads are all warty

Green, slimy and not very sporty

They don't like to joke

Or eat artichoke

Or do anything cheeky or naughty

By golly that just takes the biscuit!

Ten quid for some gristly old brisket

Ciaran

That's just taking the piss

My arse you can kiss

The feeling is nice if you risk it

hmmm... didn't like that much, but oh well.
When will my tomatoes be ripe?

They go so well with custard and tripe

Just place in the sun

You'll know when they're done

If you are a greenhousey type.

Tomatoes make such great bruschetta

With a glass of Peroni® much better

Add some antipasta

And Laetitia Casta [Simply scrumpotious!]

Then gently bend over toiletta

So swiftly he mounted his horse

That he fell off into the gorse

I said, "That'll learn 'im"

As he fractured his sternum

Maybe now he'll agree to divorce. - pen - very funny ending to the biscuit one I thought!

When your plant starts to wither and die

You should let them pickle in lye

And then let them whiten

The more so to frighten

The Dark Gothic Masters of Rye [that was rubbish - I know - but no worse than going from a singular plant into the plural - gosh, I'm in bullish mode tonight]

It's widely assumed that pigs sweat (Chalky) Yes, you are, aren't you. What's the weather like down there in Spiral City? :-)

But just to be safe, ask the vet

He'll tell you, I'm sure,

That your pig is impure

If he don't use deodorant yet

It is widely assumed that moles sing [R,J,D,D,p - nice]

A selection from Wagner's Ring

The part of Brunnhilde

(Portrayed as a builder)

Is a concession to feminist bling.

It is said that owls they are wise

As to why I can only surmise

Since they can't do sudoku

just like that bloke who (Wymo) Their wisdom is in doing something more interesting, such as perching.

Can't also so he never tries

"Pudenda"'s a funny old word

I'd use it if I were a bird

As a bloke I'm more blunt careful.....

With a wink and a grunt "careful" he says... *rolls eyes*

Use another I'm sure you have heard.

A walk by the Nile is just grand (Rosie) Indeed.

As I stroll with my love, hand in hand

The crocodiles yawn

They'd like some soft porn

So they sit back an watch my grand stand. moving swiftly on...

When crocodiles bask by the river

Make sure that you cover your liver

In onions and gravy

And call out the Navy

'Cos they're all sure to want a thin sliver

Relax and lie back in this chair

Said the dentist, a man without care

This may not be nice

But you take my advice

Be thankful I don't drill down there

[Darren] well done - I was havering with You've got to brush more than your hair! but was thinking it was rather boringly unsubversive...

You've got to brush more than your hair Waste not...

Your teeth, for example, and where Unfinished sentence...

The sun doesn't shine

At the base of your spine

Then plait it and look debonair

Just sit down carefully afterwards, is my advice.

When digging up bodies at night

You may meet with a ghostie or sprite

They may glow in the dark

And pinch bums for a lark

And somtimes they'll give you a fright

When playing a scale on the drums

You get to a point when there comes (Pr) 'n' I fought you was musical

A high "C" that sounds

[Rosie] They could be timpani :P

Outside of the bounds

Of regular drum tum-ti-tums

You coward, come 'ere and say that!

My first-born is not- not a gay brat!,

Though often he's stroppy

His wrist is not floppy

And supports Millwall, the daft twat. (Projoy) Could be! Nudge, nudge.

Prepare for the pancake of death

Made from chocolate, beef lard, and meth

It's highly emetic

And quite anaaethetic

And doesn't do much for your breath

Now prepare for the pizza of life

Topped with joy and a sprinkling of strife

Try not to be cheesey

Life should be easy-peasy

Consumed in slices with a fork and a knife(using the scansion license #312)

Our license to life may expire

If we find ourselves playing with fire (see CdM's recent hyperlink over at MCiOS by way of demonstration)

For an arsonist's woes

And inadequate prose

May arouse a literary ire.

There once was a man from New Delhi

Whose favorite dish was Cow Jelly

But to eat sacred cow

's Something none will allow

not e'en in the trendiest deli.

A scunner, call'd Cambell by name

Tried to set the McDonnalds aflame

But he'd run out of matches Is this double mis-spelling deliberate, I ask myself.

And the terrible catch is

Big Mac Meals, not soup, enjoy fame. [Rosie] Probably to avoid being sued

Prince Phillip was once heard to grumble

When he tripped on a corgi and tumbled

"Those bloody Chinese"

"And their damn' bonsai trees"

Why can't they be ever so 'umble?

Please place all your goods in my hands

Especially the fashionable brands

I'm referring, of course,

To my job as clothes horse

And this gun will back up my demands

Splendiferous, Fabulous, Great!

It's the best thing that ever I ate!

Can I have another?

If it's not too much bother

And this time, please leave me the plate (scuse rudeness, it just arrived in my head)

An old man on the bus starts to ramble

RedSnappper

All the passengers begin to scramble

Chaos ensued

When his rambling turned lewd

(He's a friend of 'McDonnald' and 'Cambell') please see above!

Ella - out of line!

Now let us all praise leafy Surrey Do your bloody worst, then :-)

Where they make the most wonderful curry

And Woking so gray

And Esher so gay

And Bagshot all covered in slurry.

I met a young gunner named Lunz

Who wanted to go to bed soon'st

His grand stra-te-gy
To lie down before three
Was scuppered by Field Marshall Gunz

sorry - it just popped out fully-formed

Please don't try to spoil my grand plan

By beating my head with your fan

For what I've conceived

Has got me quite peeved

And I must work as fast as I can

[Chalky] ...as the bishop said to the actress.

An ant in Antananarivo

(A member, perhaps of the species noted at jodkowski.pl/we/Reuters003.html)

Speaking Spanish, said loudly, “¡Yo vivo!

Just then a grasshopper

In coat, tails and topper Madagascar is a centre of haute couture, I'll have you know.

Leapt in and gave him the heave-ho
got that one out of the way, at least

Procure me tobacco, my love

And fetch me my slippers, my dove

And do wag your tail

As I sip my cold ale

And later I'll take you above

There was a young lad from Calcutta

Who liked to hit balls with his putter

Men far and wide

With more hurt than their pride

Regretted their brush with this nutter.

Were we to proceed in this matter

With pointless, banal, inane chatter

Then boredom were certain

'Twould e'en vex Paul Merton

Who'd say we're as mad as a hatter

Whilst trying to make non-lumpy gravy

[A trick I had learned in the navy]

I added some salt

And some whisky (fine malt)

The swell sent the sailors all wavy

It seems that bad light has stopped play

And that sky looks awfully grey

For when we play darts

In these northern parts

We only play on a bright day

I wouldn't think that was my car

Without fuel it shouldn't go far

So I'll panic-buy

And my tank won't be dry

I'll be the UK's Petrol Tzar.

The Guardian seems to have shrunk in size

It's not so good for swatting those flies

But the crossword's the same

(my attempts just as lame)

I just wish they'd show more bare thighs

A pension is something you need

A truism few young folk heed (Darren) Try the Torygraph, which is trying desperately to hold on to the retired-colonel-in-Hampshire readership.

If you save all your life

and insure your dear wife

You may profit from a dastardly deed.

There was a young lady called Hilda

IRACH

Who sought fame as a great body builder

The size of her pecs

Made her friends nervous wrecks

But her six-pack did mostly bewilder.

All Telegraph readers say this:

It's the Home Service I really miss

And you can take ITV

Dump it into the sea

And sink it into the abyss

You can say this about Arnold Palmer

Than many old golfers, he's calmer.

Though he's strong as an ox

And he wears mismatched socks

And never been on Panorama. Be grateful for small mercies.

On Sunday my brother was wed [I got to give a toast!]

Then brought his young bride straight to bed,

On Monday he staggered

To his Mistress, the blackguard

A cosy affair, 'nuff said

While trying to sort out the plumbing Last one - V. good!

I heard Super Mario humming

So I blew down the pipe

A loud fart very ripe

So in revenge he's taken up drumming - it's the only thing I could think of that isn't filthy

Way back in the reign of King John

Whose follies we now dwell upon

The barons revolted

The serfs they all bolted

And Runnymede staged 'Magna-thon'

While re-writing the old magna Carta

I was attacked by a catholic martyr

Who rose from the grave ...presumably...

And made me a slave

Blob

Of the hon'rable Knights of the Garter

While cooking a great fat pork chop

I spied a large maggot on top

Pook

But as they're nutricious

It was not that malicious

To serve up the meal to my pop

Ben Johnson's a bit of a cheat Nothing if not topical eh? :-) Today is the 17th anniversary of his 100m gold in Seoul though.

He took drugs to speed up his feet