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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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Of whom I was terribly fond
Her green brown grey eyes
And roan skewbald thighs
Made me ask if she'd like to abscond.
The loveliest lady I know
Is a tranny called 'Leg-over Flo'
What she'll do for a pound
Will amaze and astound
But the therapy after will cost though
My wife’s wearing spurs – in our bed,
There's an odd wire thing on my head Well, a guy gets simulposted, what dost thou expect?
And I don't know whether
we should get it together
With the guests or each other instead *deploys coat*
The problem with most politicians
Is their penchant for loose coalitions
They plan and they plot
And care not a jot
When spending our bank depositions.
My taxes so gladly I'll pay,
If you'll take Michael Howard away
Call men in white coats!
While he cackles and gloats
And makes like he's god's gift next May. 2005. Nah - surely not. He won't really WIN, will he?
A serious lot are the Swedes
Much given to wearing of Tweeds
They hammer and screw (Assembling those IKEA furniture)
and turn the air blue (Assembling those IKEA furniture)
with fumes from the smoking of weeds.
A frivolous lot are the Welsh
For scansion is left on the shelf
The same goes for rhyme
And tune, most of the time
And drinking on Sunday's I'm told
The Welsh are a frivolous lot - let's try that last idea out in a way that can actually be rhymed without recourse to the Star Trek Klingon Dictionary™
For their clothing they care not a jot! True. I wrapped one in tin foil today.
They can often be seen Curse that simulposting!!
in peninsular Lleyn (Bif) Yes, but we are deeply frivolous. There's a difference, inni' aye.
Knitting sweaters from seaweed and snot. http://www.lleynsheep.com/
Believe in your faith and you’ll see, Also a humble apology to all honest, frivolous but hard-working Welsh women and men!
The Welsh dragging snot from the sea
It gets caught in their rowlocks
And then removed by their cox
who sells it to tourists. Tee-hee!
welsh sea snot] I take it that you guys just stumbled upon that one ? Or have you perhaps tried Lava Bread ? para 7. Its basically seaweed/algae or similar and they mix it with oatmeal and make little cakes with it fried for breakfast. Marvellous stuff, though in it's pre oat added form it looks like a big pile of darkish green MUCAS.
Make that 'mucus', st d ;o)
I bake cakes with the stuff in my nose
With a pinch of jam found 'twixt my toes
And then sprinkle some
Of the fluff from my tum
It's good as a cure for all woes -- probably because once you eat this all your other problems will seem small in comparison :)
He nibbled her earlobe, then said: (all this food-talk makes me hungry...)
"Can I put some of this on my bread?"
She said, "Cut that out!"
"Or your ear I will clout!"
"You can't, 'S been eaten, You've fed!"
She served him a hot pie in bed, ...more food, now breakfast...
And rubbed warm goose grease on his head don't ask me where that came from
But in places below an oportunity for depravity, perhaps?
Whee no foodstuffs should go
Where Bugger, sorry..
He was subjected to leeches and bledThis sounds like a Michael Winner film
Well if that's what you think, I don't care!
I don't give a jot for your stare
Be off with you, fool
And as for your tool
, well, must cause you the greatest despair.
I once knew a farmer who said:
"O'ive no problem wi' rain on me 'ead"
"Now get orf me land"
"W'your marchin' band
"Or my roifle will soon make you dead." a happy end for that one!
Dear Father, please send fifty quid.
'Though I can't bear to say what I did
Don't ask any questions
About nasty infections You can tell that the University students have gone back cant you?
And d'you know a good name for a kid?
rofl at that last one...
It happened in old Monterrey
While enjoying the bracing sea spray
Due to great land erosion My geography is fairly poor, but isn't Monterrey inland? ;-)
If Toutatis had hit...
And my ships huge corrosion Noah made it inland didn't he (?) and my yacht is made of glass reinforced plasics but what he heck…
I could sail over land every day.
Toutatis has tried to board us! [Raak] Thanks for the inspiration
So I'll pack and leave with the next bus! (Space shuttle buses may become more common one future day....)
But in the act of escaping [Howie] - I thought it was a Cheese, but then again I know Jack!
A cake I was baking
Was launched from the oven toward us
His body dropped down like a stone
hit the ground with great smashing of bone
One more mountaineer
Now flying, Oh dear!....like an angel?
Approaches the heavenly throne.
The well-heeled folk of Sevenoaks
Turn noses up at lim’rick jokes
But with I M Pentameter
Their footwork is amateur
And fun at them everyone pokes
She said: May I teach you safe sex?
He replied: I'm more into safe hex
But activities in Binary
despite all the finery
Beats anything by Posh and Becks
She said: May I give you a tip?
He said "Not just now; I'm in knip"
But if you'll lend me a token
I'll leave Thorpe-le-Soken
And thankfully kiss your red lip. ....or: Getting rid of your stiff upper lip?
It’s Friday, let’s meet at the Pub,
[Marc] Love to, but I'm off to my club
It's highly exclusive - don't ya know
Because I'm reclusive
But please don't take this as a snub!
wonderful stuff!
Chalky - My brain is too full - I'm in shock
I shall hide in this grandfather clock
I just hope that the bob-weights
don't tickle my knob, mates,
Then grandpa’s for sure starts to rock![Rosie]...I thought you were a honourable woman!?
She giggled and said: “What is that?”
"It's a teapot on top of my hat!"
"If I want some tea," [Marc] Did you really not know that Rosie's a man??
"you must bow to me" (Marc) Wildly wrong on both counts. :-) See http://www.geocities.com/pantsmcprofiles/profiles.html
Why did it come out with all those spaces, but not this time?
Then I’ll kick your ass, said Cheshire cat [Rosie] No wonder then that I thought the fading scent from your lines was more like ‘Axe Marine', but my smelling sense is not so good any more.....
John Howard will never be gone!
"He goes on and on". (Anon) (Marc) Yerssss. I do wash y'know. :-)
So here's what I think:
We could all use a drink - though this is probably true at any time and not just 'cos of the Aussie elections :)
To celebrate (down-under) erection’s withdrawn?
My butler is off for tonight, (sorry all, of course I meant election !)
And he's left the house looking a fright Of course you did Marc :)
Because it is haunted
By spooks I'll be taunted
But I'm Dracula so off for a bite
"Do you have to go, Laura?" I said
"I thought you'd like Dawn of the Dead"
"They look just like you."
"Have not got a clue,"
"How do you get a girl into bed?"
She will get into bed when she's ready
With curlers and mudpack and teddy
Phooar, sexy mudpacks! Mmm!
Her nightgown is woolly
And covers her fully sorry, couldn't resist
Cor blimey! This outfit is heady! Haaang on...are we talking Teddy as in skimpy diaphanous-yet-wooly garment held together with "strategically placed snap fastenings" (hurhurhur) or were you thinking more along the lines of a clockwork Ursus Somnolus that sings "Walzing Matilda"?
There once was a dimwitted poet,
A Crescenter. Wouldn't you know it?
The name - I'll reveal
His ineptitude Stress shift required.
BUGGER! Didn't see you there, Darren. I'll have another go.
Not David Baddiel? Tiresome git. This is my actual contribution, BTW.
But ------- BLUE PENCIL -------
Sorry can't allow that to be seem
So who let that censor in here?
There once were two dimwitted poets,
Who kept as pets boy and girl stoats "Poets"? Come on...
Their loud copulation (Puckoon) Who's the censor? You, matey, to judge by the message timing. If you can't think of a line then just sit this one out.
Was justification
For helping them on with their coats Needs a Lincolnshire accent for this one to rhyme, but it does work, honest. 'Coats' is 'Coo-arts', 'stoats' 'stoo-arts etc etc.

A return to more RP reciting
Does one not think these vowels sound inviting? Kudos to Darren for that nifty line 4
For rain falls in Spain
Ignore Michael Caine (Pen) That sounds more like Hartlepool to me, where the word "no" is two syllables, prounced "Noah" or "gnawer". Maybe it's an east-of-England thing.
Cause he’s more for free fiction writing.
Alas poor Yorick, my head I have lost,
Alas
It is mouldering in the compost
Its vacuous grin God, this is gruesome.
And this dastardly sin
Will be solvèd by Inspector Frost.
My thumb's fallen into my soup
Said Scoutmaster Bill, to his troop
"Don't shout too loud!"
Was the will of the crowd
"You'll get it back once you go poop."I have been silent too long. Just intervening to say I've been laughing along wit you [arteests] for some tyme now. *chuckle* Now carry on! [slinking back into the shadows] don't be alarmed by me raucous laughter.
The election's a fortnight away
And our nerves are beginning to fray
Now this time peace will win ...winning scansion forever!
'Cause Kerry's long chin
Will start charming people any day
Now
"Wear shiny plastic on your skin" gruntgrunt
And try to imagine you're thin good memory required
The semi-transparent
... just almost apparent ...
It looks like you're just wearing a grin.
The Cheshire Cat smiled and spoke thus:
"Because I just fade, there's a fuss"
"People wonder and stare"
''When I'm only part there''
"And that's why I'm wearing this truss."
For five hundred years I had thought
that happiness could always be bought (Projoy) the secret of your longevity being.....?
And was cheap at the price
....so much cheaper than rice…
But then I found I'd been "caught".
It's taken me ten years to find
The piece that fell out of my mind
It was here all the time
It must mean that I'm
What's left after Lechter had dined
To a nice piece of liver I'm partial
Before I'm up for my latest court martial
It'll cook up so fine
Judge and jury shall dine
and I my defences shall marshal.
Close reading of texts will reveal
The source of your minister's zeal
Chapter 3, verse 16
No, not that! You’re so mean!
You might get off on appeal
The problem with such hermeneutics
They're no match for the Gaul sage, Refutix
Cite chapter and verse
Till they rage, spit and curse
Then persist: they'll explode in a few ticks.
I read, in today's Daily Mail,
That Prince Philip's turned into a quail stranger things have happened
Her Maj is appalled
Though he was pretty old
but now she'll have eggs sans pareil. All right, male quails don't lay eggs.
It's often been said, down our way Or often been Sid, as I typed before...
That male quails don't lay eggs, unless gay
And those that they do Mmm, this is getting quite surreal.
Are just filled with goo
Bollocks! That's all just hearsay.
There was a young lady from Camden
Who always liked to keep her hand in
Quite where, we don't know
We suspect it was Bow
(It's the sort of place she'd make one "stand" in)
I've been told that the Tottenham Court Road
Is a bad place to be for a toad
But frogs are OK
,lightly killed, they say, Rather crunchy.
Unlike ferrets, which tend to explode. It happened nine times yesterday...
There was a young gent lived in Fulham limerick syntax declared
A hit with girls - boy, could he pull 'em!
For he was well endowed opening for abuse....
And oft stood rather proud never knowingly underestimated
And his silken words always would lull 'em
I'm standing in two feet of rain
Yes, my basement is flooded again
The waters are lapping unfinished sentence al...
And the kids are all clapping
the Medway - it's won yet again.
Outside it is blowing a hooley More bloody rough weather, eh Rosie?
And the rain pisses down most unduly (Actually, it's quite fine here and now.)
But whether the weather
goes mad altogether (Softers) Yes. Nasty but not dire. This one's been hyped up a bit, but the barometer will go quite low, even so.
Would depend on 'Hurricane Julie' / Be sure to lag both of your goolies - Bifurcating, with slight force
Remember, when out in the rain / "I'll say it to you, straight and plain" No idea what happens next. Maybe this is just an advert for The Furcation Game. We'll see.
That hail would be causing more pain / "Bend your knees when lifting, don't strain"
It could be so much worse / For the weight of this purse
Then I’ll call my sweet nurse / We deliver this verse:
And we'll try that nice treatment again / By Virgin, the strain's on the train
Giving rise to much 'booing' and 'hissing'
For to Gerrymander
is but to pander
a sort of backhanded ar*e kissing
I'm off to an Anne Summers do! (not been to one before - should I be apprehensive?)
To see things...that are mainly see-through (oh yes)
Some of them wobble and buzz (can I come?)
Respectfully, Bm, might that scan a little better if it were:
Some wobble and buzz
Some light up - this one does!
Like my glowing vibrator does too.... (....well, not mine but maybe Anne Zummer's....?)
Now bin Laden is talking again, (does 'poetry' and politics unite?)
At least he has not got a plane *carpentry invoked*
His call to surrender
In bra and suspender
Show his smalls must be causing him pain LOL the mental picture of BinLaden in bra and suspenders is a disturbingly funny one...
There once was this horny old goat,
Who made an odd sound in his throat
Which sounded just like...
An old motor bike
That was pow'red by a treadmill-bound stoat.
I hide in the depths of this pear
Eating tunnels that go here and there A limerick narrated by a maggot?
On reaching the core
I start outward once more
So when you take a bite have a care (nothing worse than finding half a maggot in your pear)
Who cares about this election?
Cried the Chinese girl in my direction.
The whole politburo
standing leady, theil heads glow (what do I know about politicians….?)
Whatever - there's f**k-all selection.
The time to take action is now
The road ahead's blocked by a cow
And the bovine obstruction
(By simple deduction)
Is worse than that caused by a sow.
The omission of the letter 'K'
Is useful in one certain way
If you find that you kneed (Oh, a play on words... maybe I'm slowly getting better)
A Knurd knamed Knaveed
He's over on Knorthampton Way
In Knaresborough, knaves know about knickers
A Subject that sometimes sees snickers [Rosie] Fiendish Aliteration count there
When wearing white woolies
To ward off the bullies Nice one, Rosie :-)
Be braced for a big bloke that bickers
America civilised? Pah!
'Bout time we realised, yah?
George Bush has English roots
Thinks after he shoots
The Yank's guzzle more gas - by far.
In Arabia, baby, a girl
Whose umbrella refused to unfurl
Had a trouble with wind
'Cos her mother had sinned
by sitting with her feet on a sill
My tumour grows large in the Fall
My humour, by contrast, grows small
My gloags start to spread
(I hasten to point out, btw, that I wrote that line before I saw the news story about Mrs Edwards)
and click inside my head
Believe me, that's not nice at all.
So, reasons to not give a **** (you decide!)
Include rudeness, forgetfulness, thrift, This censorship is out of hand, at least if you don't get a Christmas present.
But my favourite excuse
To politely refuse
Which will leave grammar purists well-miffed.
So, reasons to not give a f*** (again, your choice)
That the Dems are so down on their luck (not beating about the bush, as it were)
It's only four years (Though imagine if Bush got assassinated - Cheney would get the rest of his term, then undoubtedly be elected for a new one, and could stand for yet another at the end...)
Yet I have many fears
, not least that the chimp runs amok
A radio drama is good
That's what you say - well you would
But give me a present
That is effervescent
And doesn't do more than it should.
Rememeber, when you're in the car
The four round things go on the tar
The pointier end
Should be first round a bend
And Ford means "Found On Road Dead," har har.
Bear in mind, when alighting the train
Look right, then left, then right again
"Is this Liskeard (for Looe)?"
"Or New Street (for Crewe)?"
"No. It's a roundabout and you are a pain!"
A splendour rose up in the sky
"Hey, big splendour!" I heard Shirley cry
The splendour replied:
"I'm small and on my side;"
Ne'er again will I stargaze while high.
A duck, and a coin, and a shoe
Are things I have fished from the loo.
tramp steamers and trains
(they're big, they block drains) Not the only thing, I've found. :-(
And a TARDIS mislaid by Doc. Who
If it's good, then give it no thought
Don't bother with "should I?" or "ought...?"
Just jump right on in
It can't be a sin
unless of course you get caught. (Raak) Amazing coincidence: - My first attempt was exactly the same as yours only you got in first. Great Minds . . .
[Raak, Rose] Great minds? I beg to differ. Anoraks... ;o)
Such a thrill to be breaking the law
So I think that I'll do it some more [Pen] I've met Rosie and I can assure you he is not/doesn't wear an anorak.
Oh. Hello Inspector!
My name's Doctor Lecter
Excuse me while I eat Al Gore.
My cholesterol levels are high
'cos I'm overly fond of Gore Pie
Except for the crust
all covered in dust
from cremating that Arafat guy.
The great thing 'bout this time of night (Softers) Cheers. I did have a duffel coat at one time.
Is that nobody else is in sight ;-)
They'll never find out
I'm tickling trout
But why do they put up a fight?
A double deep black cherry pie
A fruity delight to my eye
With thick double cream
And fish oils of bream
Has just made me puke down my tie.
Don't talk to the oiks, Pollyanna
They're bound to hate your jolly manner
And as for your hair,
Well, to be fair,
I would call it brunette, but I canna. Yeah, yer annoying wee gingernut....
[Projoy] so you had nothing better to do on Sunday afternoon than watch crappy films too?
Christmas is coming they say
So I think that I just skip that day
And just have New Year [pen] Yes, it was so utterly syrupy, I got stuck to the sofa. I cheered when she got run over.
With three gallons of beer
And lots of loose women, wahey!
An elephant kiss'd me, m'lud!
Its trunk was most clearly no dud!
It sought out the parts
For refreshment by tarts coat!
which sounds like a joke by Roy Hudd. I know one of his scriptwriters. So that's where he gets them.
Exhibit A: Elephant, one
Exhibit B: half a swiss bun
The jury will find
(if it's that way inclined)
The rest in a great pile of . . . "what's brown and sounds like a bell"
Douglas Adams wrote "The Salmon of Doubt"
Working title "Faith Haddock Without"
But the draft wasn't finished
Adams' strength was diminished
The light of his life flickered out.
Tim Berners-Lee said of the web
"It makes me look less of a pleb."
"For I now wear flash suits"
"Gone are those zoots"
"Don't you think I resemble a deb?" That's enough of that!
As he jumped from the wardrobe, he said:
"I am wearing my pants on my head."
"and my socks on my thumb"
Which has made them go numb
"And smell oddly like garlic bread"
In the middle of writing an ode
to the hard men who dig up the road
I spied a strange man
Making tea in a can
While his body was painted with woad.
While attending a conference in Ghent
I found that my briefcase was bent
Its titanium hinge
Had developed a fringe
Of no use to a business-like gent
The good folk of Buckfastleigh, Devon
All retire to bed around seven
For they get up at eleven (oops this is going to be an all lines rhyme limerick)
Read a book by Nye Bevan
and pray that they go to heaven
When standing alone in the dark
I disrobed, to my vest, for a lark.
I re-dressed in a hurry
when a truck load of slurry
Escaped (stained my shirt with a mark).
The trouble with loaning out bees
is thay always come back with strained knees Hern
Quite why this is so
I really don't know
But a physicist might for some fees (according to Physics, a bumblebee can't fly).
A stalactite falls from the roof
Wooky Hole provides us with proof quite splendid caves there, well worth a visit
That if no-one is there
does anyone care? - Who gives a Hern
Or are we completely aloof?
There once was a student in Leeds
Whose ambition was spreading his seeds
So of he went clubbing
while elm seeds dropping
And satisfied all of his needs.
"MY GOD" said her lady in waiting
"Her Ladyship's gorn out nude skating!"
"If she slips on her front"
"She may bear the brunt"
Of two Green Carpet Moths mating
It's about time I started a round I'm getting fed-up just drawing lines for other people.
"Frère Jacques" will do - nice sound.
"Sur le pont d'Avignon"
Si vous dirai-je mamman
Tut, tut. Our French is not good, I'll be bound!
There once was a frozen lake [previous limerick] it's not bad, and I'd know. I see bad French all the time - generally in my own notes. sigh.
Whose ice would many a maid take
The maids were not found (not aimed at anyone in particular, but players unsure of the best rhythm for a limerick might find this useful. (Rhymes are, luckily, more intuitive).
Actually, this page is a bit more user-friendly.
Above the cold ground
Sorry, it doesn't quite scan, so how about this, which keeps the original as much as poss -

There once was a large frozen lake
Whose ice would many maids take
The maids were not found
Above the cold ground
But below, astride the giant hake!

Huzzah! for brave snorgle; how quick!
She loves to display her new trick.
She scans like a dream
Just a pity the rest are so thick.
The man who came to fix my door [p,D,P,MD,B] Best for a while - the metric feet are dancing!
Left a ruddy great hole in the floor 'Twas on the Monday morning
His extremely large tool
He had placed in my stool ouch!
I'm still not quite sure what it's for.
The Alpha lost his Iota
Which took him beneath his set quota
The Beta protested
So the Gamma arrested
The Alpha for breaking the rota.
A Thesaurus is a very strange book
It won't help you garden or cook
Though Roget's compiling
often helps me when filing is no-one gonna complain about dodgy lines for a while then?
But it's no use to Peregrin Took
*grumble grumble*
Look at me! I can perfectly scan!
That he said as he shat in the fan!
Scatologically
There's an appology
For mistaking the fan for the pan. Honestly, I despair, sometimes!
Poor Kim's on the verge of despair
But truthfully, folks. Do you care?
For the world's never right
Full of envy and spite
And people with egg in their hair.
Let's all go and verb some new words!
And devariate a few herds
I've started to battle
With glaive and atlatl
I've joined the neologian nerds!
hmm - didn't actually intend to press the 'submit' button, but it's done now ... serves me right for multi-tasking
"I'm surrounded by fools!" I cried this is 100% true.
And, quite shortly after, I died
It just serves me right
For talking such shite
Now Hell's jaws, for my soul, open wide.
There was a young fellow from Barrow (Chalky) Wot - you got a cuppa tea there 'n' all.
Who grew a remarkable marrow
He took it to fair
But it could not compare
With Sid's prize-winning tap-dancing sparrow. [Rosie - yeah ... and the rest]
My job at the City Sperm Bank,....I'm very impressed by above sparrow-limerick, well done!
Makes use of a very large crank
When turned, it produces
A wide range of juices
And all for the price of a spank!
Fantastic!
When's the best time to eat bread?
While bathing or when you're in bed?
.. and as toast or just slices?
With jam or fried mices?
try rats and you'll just end up dead!
Clam up or start spilling the beans?
I'm sure you all know what that means!
Foul-spoken slang
with a south London twang I don't even need to try.
Is polite banter in Milton Keynes.
I live for the taste of curried beans
That just doesn't scan right, does it? How about...
I live for the hot taste of beans
Dripped over the neighbourhood queens
or bronx, brooklyn, staten
An' I'm estimatin'
oi u can't go around changing the start line! Where's the challange in that? I shall now sulk for the next 40 nights...........
[widey] We've only got one nights.
[SM] "One nights"?
Darren] ...and one Simons too.
widey - it didn't scan! And Simons - does that rhyme? Bah, I'm turning into Rosie!
The beans were produced by Peek Freans.
Today is the day that the bears... (unfinished sentence alert).
...will go hibernating downstairs, (do polar-bears hibernate?)
So lock up your fridge
To a nearby bridge
so as not to get court unawares [Marc] Of cause they don't, don't be silly, they do there best hunting in the dark, how else can they creep up on the Penguins?
With no more than a piece of elastic, [Puckoon] CAUGHT CAUGHT CAUGHT CAUGHT CAUGHT. Spleen vented; sorry.
I essayed a, épaulement fantastic
That's I essayed an épaulement fantastic
it delighted the crowds [everyone] STOP ARGUING! there's only one nights.
who hoisted their shrouds nights] What happened to the other one thousand then? More downsizing?
They don't know my hip's made of plastic.
I pulled, and I grunted, and groaned
And forgot my bold tags as well :-(
I tugged and I panted and moaned
But still I could not
shift Stonehenge one jot (snorgle) You'll need to acquire, ahem, certain features. But I'm sure you knew that anyway. :-)
So it's off to the Tor to get stoned
I essay a stunning jetée
(zhet-ay)
Followed through with a graceful plié (plee-ay)
But my battement tendu
Was pas bien comprendu
And everyone's calling me gay! boom-boom
When alone, with my "great" plans
I call in my legion of fans
They bow down before me
And all call me Normy
Disturbingly, most drive white vans.
On a recent visit to Devon
I refuelled at a small 7-11
I misread the sign
For the A339
and I'm now on the A327 help!
Be careful, be wary, be wise!
For all that they tell you is lies!
but I don't believe it
not one little bit
but they will ask, "Who ate all the pies?"
Oscar Wilde was a very great wit,
but others just think he was shit,
some like him a bit,
some call him a hit,
and others would cover him with grit.
Showing off I know but what the heck...
Now, Oscar, he's gone off to glory
That might be the end of his story
For those with such pride
(And Lions to hide)
the rest, I'm afraid, is too gory.
I'm looking out of my window
O'er the hillocks of blustery Findo
I must wear a hat
Made out of a cat
Or stay in and play my Nintindo.
"Pathetic!" I heard a man shout
"And you call yourself a Boy Scout?!"
"When in the BB" oblig. (BB is short for Boys' Brigade)
"It's apparent to me"
"You must NOT let your Troop be wiped out!"
Fall in!
He shouted "You 'orrible lot!"
"What a shower of shit that I've got!"
Shoulders back, stand up straight
And hold out your plate!
And eat it all up while it's hot.
The trouble with riding a horse
In traffic and not on a course!
Is unknown to me
However, I flee
In case it gives grounds for divorce.
I'm back in the saddle once more
not minding that it mkaes me sore
If I grip with my thighs
I get quite a surprise [pen'll know what I mean :-b]
For I've found an old apple core
A duck à l'orange, if you please!
And to follow, the board a la cheese!
And then, ice de cream
(I'll pass on the bream)
Try 'a runner' but lose my car keys.
I once saw a duck mount a moose
Perhaps she thought it was a goose
This sexual perversion
And cervine coercion
Demolished a Norwegian Spruce.
You can't fit a moose in your mouth
Unlike ungulates of the Deep South
Over in the East
Raw elk is a feast
but they still prefer haggis in Louth
Those sirens are driving me mad!
'Snot as if I've been really that bad...
If I give in to the law [Puckoon] Louth is my home town... I'll grant you a temporary poetic licence for that blatant untruth.
They'll sound them much more
And at our drowning we'll be glad using poetic license to switch between two meanings of sirens
'Tis the season of snow and good cheer
Though there ain't much of that around here
White stuff's not falling
I think that's appalling
"Oh shut-up and drink up your beer." -
So, only six months until Summer! Woo-hoo!
It's less than the wait for a plumber
But slightly more wet
There's much winter yet
Don't remind me, it is such a bummer
So is it a foot or an inch?
You'll see if you give it a pinch
I can tell by the scale
Because I'm a male
You need a ten horsepower winch.
So much for my expectations!
[Chalky] haven't you forgotten something?
Chalky - So much for my expectations!
The Wichita Lineman - T'is the season of good will to all nations (repair over)
In short supply
*confused* - thought I posted the first line to a limerick?
Well that's what it looked like on my browser :-S
And who is the Witchita Lineman?
This is all getting very confusing. The Witchita Lineman is probably attributable to Glen Campbell who is a particularly good example of the dreadful American "country music" genre.

So, shall we try again, and hope Chalky's browser has been de-bugged.

Chalky - So much for my expectations!
Software - I was expecting congratulations

Oh Lordy - woss goin' on?
SW - I like American country music, OK? :-)
Anyway, I'm going to start the Limerick again whilst waiting for the Witchita Lineman to reveal him/her self ..
Chalky - So much for my expectations!
I fear that all these castrations
Will hamper my search
For a ball-bearing perch blimey!
oh hell... forget the bold 'blimey'
And my hopes of infant relations. [Chalks], Oh, so you're the one ;-)
Well, that was all rather confusing
Is it HTML we're abusing? (comment test)
Looks like a </b> tag has gorn astray somewhere. I can't fix it from here unfortunately, as I fall foul of the Bad HTML detector
Ah, found it. There's a </b tag at the end of the "horsepower winch" move above.
Internet abuse
Such spurious code
Was that AXI's move? Maybe it was, so:

Uncle Korky - Well, that was all rather confusing
Projoy - Is it HTML we're abusing?
AXI - Internet abuse
Software - Is strictly no use

If the good guys always end up losing.
"Go away", I explode in my fury
Going nuclear like old Marie Curie
and do not come back
'Til you've found me that hack
That knobbled the judge and the jury.
"Stand back! It's a rabid mince pie!"
"One scratch from its fangs and you'll die!"
Though it's crust looks quite tasty
My decision was hasty
And now up in heaven I sigh. .. hmm .. bit wobbly on the tenses, that one.
Impartial advice is quite rare
And even then, to be fair
I seldom take heed
Carpe Diem's my creed
I just do what I want with my hair
Eating beans and fly fishing with Hartley
At a village in Wiltshire called Startley
I caused quite a stir
'cos I mimicked the burr
So the trout leapt and slapped my face smartly.
PLastic surg'ry to lengthen my spine
They said silicone implants were fine
But my facelift went "phutt"
Any now looks like my butt
Any --> And
Which is great! So I've no need to whine.
[SW] Do we really need all these hyperlinks?
Chalky - Buff up your German and write
'My German is shiny and bright!' - That's what you meant, isn't it, Chalky?
Then give him a roast
After that, you can boast: unfini...
'It's bangers and mash nächster zeit'
'My Bach is müch worse than my bite'. [alternative and much better ending - serves me right for getting distracted by that minx penelope when we're supposed to be hard at work. Anyway - apologies for hogging the game - over to you lot ...
A present is under the tree
I really hope it's for me
It's a very strange shape
and all are agape (Chalky) But is it verse zen your Cherman Bight?
So I'll open it and we will all see.
"..and so, in summation", he said,
"As thrilled as I am with this... head,"
"The other missing bits..."
(toes, teeth and tits)
"Will shortly mean I'll end up dead."
In a fight with the monster King Kong,
I realised something was wrong
For a start, he was tiny
and his nose it was shiny
And he emitted a terrible pong!
While paying for something by Visa
I was heckled by old Ebenezer
"Bah, humbug!" he cried
"I don't care who's died, This quote left deliberately open
cos I am a grumpy old geezer!" - this quote deliberately closed :D
I can't see the wood for the trees
And I can't see the pod for the peas
or the grass for the blades
Or my feet for the shades
I've got an oc-u-lar disease!
Prepare for the onslaught, my friend!
With pistols at dawn, make amend!
The revolution is here
Our aim? It's not clear
Oh just how will it all end.
With a bang, not a whimper, I fear!
That's how Iraq will end the old year
But not every place
With a US army base
will necessarily cheer.
And so, Merry Christmas to all!
I hope that you all had a ball
And all those at work
For whom it must irk
To be 24/7 on call.
So 2004's nearly done
I just wish it had been much more fun
In 2005
I will not deprive
The world of my second-best pun. oh yes - it's a killer ...
Happy New Year, to one and to all
And may your big things not grow small
If this should occur
due to alcohols blur
then piss up against that there wall. Plunge the knife, then, Chalky.:-)
Your target is 30 feet high
(For the Jolly Green Giant must die!)
I'll take my pea-shooter
(Blow legumes up his hooter)
And cook up his veg in a pie!
In spite of the blustery weather
I'm off for a tramp through the heather
'Cos the wind up my kilt
When I run at full tilt
Will toughen my scotum to leather oh dear oh dear oh dear....
I must say that I'm shocked and appalled! Nah, not really.
not to mention disgusted and galled [pen] what's a scotum? have I got one?
At the thought that someone
Should feel moved to con - [hey snorgs - where you beeeeen?]
us to thinking that this game had stalled! [nights] probably not yet, as you're still only very young ;o)
It was wrong, I admit and I'm sorry
To take her to a disused quarry ...bit dark perhaps?
But in my defence
I gave her ten pence
Then let her get out of the lorry dark indeed....
It's dark, deeply sordid, and wrong
Let's lighten the mood with a song
About fluffy chicks
Who go to the flicks
In pink feather boa and thong
The judge stood up straight and orated - Chalky - here and Dublin - just haven't had time to post!
The verdict that I had awaited:
"On the charge of fraud - guilty!"
And 'though not well-built, he
Smiled like a man being fellated
innocent whistling
My feet are too big for my shoes !
I've been wearing a pair of canoes!
But they haven't, as yet unfini...
Let me down in the wet
So I've booked for a trans-urban cruise. .. bon voyage
My balls itch so bad...
Stimpy, that line is WAY too short. It should be AT LEAST 7 syllables. Unless it was just a general comment - in which case, see your doctor!
If you find that your balls have an itch
Dip them into a tub of hot pitch
While it might make them swell
it's just as well
that your sex life was never that rich. (Raak) you're a sadist, man/
I find proper grammer attractive
Which suggests that my sex life's inactive
When I see a subjunctive
(Would it were conjuctive)
My libido becomes hyperactive
there once was a man from tashkent
Who, somehow, contrived to invent
A portable hole
and an inverted pole
And a corkscrew that was straight and not bent.
meanwhile, an old woman in Essex see how pretty things can be on these things?
Lay a claim to the Duchy of Wessex
The root of her title
Was a deed to a pightle
(bought with numerous fraudulent checks) (nights)What things?
at the same time, in darkest frome [snorgle] these forums on the INTarWeB, they can be so pretty when everyone works together
A maiden was lured to her doom [nights] we've visited frome before... ;o)
A talll man in black
who smelt like a yak and had a 50% excess in the "L" department. Better than three buttocks, I suppose.
Tickled her bits with a broom
A one-legged man from porthcawl as we are in this mode
Got pinned up against a brick wall
But with one mighty hop
He sprung into a shop
and gave the police a call [pen] what on earth FOR?
A disabled old bailiff from York
Had a peg-leg, capped off with a cork [nights] To argue about its pronunciation, of course!
His hand was a hook
His belly - it shook
whenever threatened with a spork [pen] there's no point - somerset people rarely see reason...
A train bound for South Abertawe
Was last seen en route to Malawi Hi all.
The points were set wrong Now, does everybody know that the last two syllables (out of the 4) of Abertawe rhyme, more or less, with the first 2 syllables of "sou' wester" and, furthermore, it's only bloody Swansea in Welsh anyway. I'll get the breakdown gang. :-)
Just outside Kampong
When some hitchikers yelled "Going our way?"      No, Rosie - well at least not me.
Hitchikers are normal people but they do occasionally drop their aitches.
*grumble* Banter Game?

Chalky - If you race round the M25

Between 4 and a quarter to 5 [Rosie] This site says ta weh. I did check...honest. :-)
You might see the ghost
Of the last man to post
That is, if Chalky's left him alive! *enters Witness Protection Programme*
Come on, guys, pay attention to the correct stresses of the syllables in the scansion... that last line *simply* *does* *not* *work* in any way, shape or form. Please learn how a limerick works.
I know that I'm quite the offender
When I go on a fifty day bender
But my very besht friend
Tries to pretend
That he is my staunchest defender.
The trouble with being a pedant JLE] It could work (possibly) without that rogue comma - stress on if and left, that is more like that's?
Is you're less well beloved than a red ant
And as hierarchies go
Red ants score quite low
So ease up and you'll be more pleasant. =)
Quite terrible things will occur
should it be that you fail to concur
So now you'll agree
You really want me
Even though I'm a "he" not a "her"
If you wish to determine my sex
You'll have to sign seven blank cheques
Stick three up your arse,
At the others, throw darts
And give both my cheeks sev'ral pecks
'A new lease of life' is a phrase
That is true in just so many ways
But it doesn't apply
To the mote in my eye
That afflicts me today of all days
I gambled, and now it's all lost
as they say in Brum, it's all "bost"
It's back to the streets
Dressed in re-cycled sheets
of old wallpaper, nicely embossed.
Playing golf, I am twelve over par
'Cos I can't hit the ball very far
I find when I swing
(and now, here's the thing)
I'm losing control of the car
My handicap now is just four
little mites crawling 'round on the floor
Must find a solution
To nappy pollution
Perhaps I'll just show 'em the door...
Some music has ended the day
The Birdie Song sent us away
Although it was naff
A friendly chiff-chaff
Set all our hips asway.
Instead of complaining all day
The Birdie Song is what we'll play
Or perhaps Agadoo
or Kajagoogoo
or 'Shaddup your face' by Joe Dolcé.
I can't get it out of my head
My brain (which is really learned)
This heavy gold mind
Is a burden, I find
So I never get up out of bed.
I once wrote a line that was good
And hid it in my Christmas pud
I poured custard on it
And then ate my sonnet
And now 'writer's block's understood
I opened the cupboard to find
I've clearly gone out of my mind
the jams and the sauces
And other resources
Are gone - all I have's bacon rind.
Your starter for ten runs like this:
What's the pH of elephant piss?
And if no-one knows
I shall have to suppose
The answer lies in the abyss
These Limericks are making no sense
Any more than pounds, shillings and pence
But the payment we get
Shows demand's being met
For rhyme that's banal, crass and dense.
Book early to get the best fare
Let the train take the strain if you dare
But if your destination
Is a Northern Line station
Dress boldly - clothe yourself in Edgeware!
Reselling my clothes on ebay
I blindly gave myself away
When I sold my best garter
I fumbled the barter
I went to the grocery store yesterday
The key to a pithy last line
Was lost on the banks of the Tyne
The poet, ashamed,
on dyslexia blamed,
His failure to lyrically shine
There's naught I like more than to shout
At the lads "C'mon, get it out!"
I'm sometimes surprised [nice one muttleee :-)]
That something so prized
Is so rarely bandied about
You'll get your extremities cold T/s/C/D/C - excellent!
Unless you will do what you're told
So I'm telling you now
Stick your hands in a cow © Dunx
Or a maiden from Stow-on-the-Wold
Cotswold ladies can react quite badly
When seduced by a schoolboy from Radley
They throw up their arms
And expose all their charms
Which are not all that charming, quite sadly
Until now I had never known fear
But my arm is now stuck up the rear unfinished sentence alert
Of a gestating cow
and what I need now
Is a booking on Brighton's West Pier
I've booked a half-page colour space bloody newspapers
(On which to emblazon my face)
It may cost a lot
but I'll give it a shot
My address is attached - just in case.
I threw up my arms in dismay
Distraught at the death of Fay Wray
at the hands of a monkey
So sprightly and spunky
a girl was gorilla paté.
The disturbance this evening in Maine god, I hope nothing's actually happened in Maine
For news of which we search in vain If we're that sad.
I am told was a shocker
It took place in a locker
But no trace of events do remain. ... bugger
Explosive and dangerous stuff
is Marmite stains on a shirt cuff
For, when they ignite,
Not even "Allbrite"
Can douse the flames quite well enough.
When rain stops play at Trent Bridge
I immediately dive for the fridge
In its depths I discover
My previous lover
That's Mary (with Mungo and Midge)
A cloak of the finest azure
With sequins and feathers galore
Is the best thing to wear
When you have an affair
And it beats 'doing it' on the floor
A dog and a cat and a hat
An ice-skate and large cricket bat
A man, a canal,
A plan quite banal
The result? An unsolved dingbat.
Most people who went to my school
Epitomised liminal cool
The rest of the nerds
Who travelled in herds
Are the ones who are destined to rule.
It's true that us nerds have an edge nice finish, Raak
In signing the temperance pledge
Because we can't drink
We think we can think
With more than our meat and two veg.
Confucius said: “This new year,”
just adding a tiny syllable ...
Confucius he said: "This new year
Will bring forth a glorious fruit beer.
It's flavoured with lichees
And, doing your tai chis,
will get you slung out on your ear.
Whilst on the razz, dressed as a nun
I happened upon a shotgun
I'd no need to worry
As I was in Surrey
A great place to be 'on the run'
Your honour, I plead mitigation
Because of this strange litigation
I'm stuck in this dock
Because of my cock a doodle doo
which I exposed at East Croydon station. What's the problem? Nobody would notice because they're all wittering into their sodding mobiles. (Tuj) Bad luck!
The judge showed no mercy at all continuing the story...
and had me chained up to a ball
He duly proclaimed Rosie] for the sake of decency, it could still be an animal...
I deserved to be blamed
For the rate of exchange in Nepal
The answers which all of us seek
Will be broadcast on telly next week
When Richard and Judy
And an overweight foodie
Will consume a quarter-ton leek
Whilst overindulging on veg
I managed to fall into a hedge
Beneath which, I found
ten dollars, one pound
And an ageing gay rocker named Reg
A predisestablishmentarian
Said this, to a parliamentarian
"The Bishop of Ely (snorgle) Are you absolutely certain that Parliament existed in the predisestablishment era? I only arsk. :-)
Just gave me a feely
Which proves he's a humanitarian."
And copped an incredibly hairy one
sorry - Simulpost Carry on
'On a course aimed at self-cultivation
We learned about auto-cremation
So give me a match
And a nicorette® patch
Self-esteem, Self-respect, immolation!
Exteleologicalism (that's better, I was trying to find a word that would take up a whole line).
*sigh*
Exteleologicalism
When spelled wrong can cause rheumatism
But with letters correct
It is not, I suspect
A reason for triumphalism
Proper spelling's a thing that's essential
Lest your writing's deemed inconsequential
So practise with letters
As do all good typesetters hope that's spelt right . . .
When slinging the lead to their betters.
Vary the rhyme scheme for kicks!
Or instead of just five lines, write six!
Yes, lengthening's one of our tricks.
When we get to the middle
Of the Rhymsterists's riddle
Attempting to fiddle
Around with the form, and to mix
In even more words, making the whole structure very hard to fix.
*Bing-bong* An announcement for you:
Pink will henceforth be sky-blue
Red is now Green
Fergie is now Queen
And all that was false is now true.
This lim'rick, in truth, is a lie
It was written by him on the sly
While him on the swings
Eating butterfly wings
Was sitting there wondering why.
While binning a pile of junk mail
I bumped into Donna McPhail
She's lived in my bin
With her patrilineal kin
writing jokes which invariably fail
My golden retriever once said
I fancy a trip to the Med
I sent him at once
'cos they've now banned the hunts
Which makes it hard keeping him fed.
On a bus into town one morning
A huntsman jumped on, without warning
, yelled, "Follow that Fox!"
Pointed at my red socks
I said, "They're pinks, now stop all that fawning"
While murdering a Chopin Mazurka
Veiled in her secretmost bhurka
The lady concerned
Amusingly gurned
And dreamed of her broad-chested Gurkha.
The cast of Auf Wiedersehen Pet
doubled as stagehands building the set
Their cry was, "Oh Lordie!" [setting up a rhyme there]
"We're almost all Geordie!"
"Except for that daft Brummy get!"
^^^^ Very good one! ^^^^

In time, we will look back and laugh

At the day we got stuck in the barf
As the water was rising
What we found most surprising
was the vulgar response of the staff.
Simplicity runs in my veins
I don't care for lacquers or stains
I like everything plain
I'll say it again:
I use spoons to hack off my chilblains.
The rain in Spain's mainly on plains
As stated by those with large brains
But the snow in Oslo
As any fule kno
Is there in spite of the Danes
The frost in Spain's mainly on cars
And the ex-pat's are mainly in bars
They get drunk most nights
And dress up in red tights
And dance like there's frost in their drawers
For those who are cymbocephalic
Cries of "egghead" ("oeuftête" if you're Gallic)
You look like a Martian
Much less than a Spartan Bastard rhyme, Rosie
All in all, you look really quite phallic.
Some people, it seems, like the snow (Softers) As I realised too late. :-(
But what I like, I really don't know
I've tried asking my
psychoanalyst why
I'm so fond of the stuff. He don't know Sorry for the grammar,but had to be done.
My fav-our-ite colour is blue
Dunno why, strange but it's true snorgs] simulposted, but I agree with you ;]
And that sky blue pink
I what most people think
I = Is :-(
Is a warning when bad weather's due. .. shepherds, notably. [not sure where you were heading with that line, Software, but I did my level best]
Personal hygiene's a must
In the places where gathers most dust
That hole in the tummy
is not always yummy
Go elsewhere to express your lust. Sage advice
One should never hide one's own smell
For perfume will damn you to hell
Especially if male
Are smelling like "Dead Whale"
For your pheromones will ring someone's bell.
The flowers that bloom in the spring Ought to be in quotes, really.
Are worn in the beard of the king
So let us cheer
And quaff lots of beer
And do ye olde "whoop-de-doo" thing.
Line. Drat.
The truth about Morecambe and Wise
Is they both shared the same pair of eyes
No-one could tell
save Eskimo Nell
Which joker was which, for a prize.
There once was a poet from Bonn
Who had lots of clothing to don
From her thong to her coat
and her little pet Stoat
Backwards strip-tease is a con!
If you are a fan of punk rock
You're locked in a timewarp, old cock. (Simons Mith) Quel espèce de con?
Such a '70's fad
You're worse than my dad
Whose tank-top and sideburns I mock.
Les mots vulgaires sont, ici, [rosie] j'suis tant choqué.
Je plaid coupable, tant pis. (nights) Well, at least someone got the joke. :-)
Par exemple, rupettes
Ou une bite à baguette
c'est chouette, quand nous faisons ceci. [rosie] what can I say, j'suis geeque.
The last one was lost in translation
No great loss (francophile masturbation)
When language gets screwed
And poets are lewd
We'll just leave to play Bifurcation.
Please start without me, I'm on leave/There once was a Lim'rick for sale
{And I've something that's hid up my sleeve / There's no chance of a sudden reprieve } / { Which came with a free pint of ale / Which was rather too old and too stale }
{Is this a dagger?; I'll produce it when/I'm doomed to remain; For fourty-eight hours}
{And a packet of nuts; It was Ruddles' best/The old man from Dover; Fresh blood was required}
Please start without me, I'm on leave
        And I've something that's hid up my sleeve
                Is this a dagger?
                        Or far Wagga-Wagga
                        Or an old Eton fagger
                I'll produce it when
                        I'm a master of Zen
                        The time's right, and then
        There's no chance of a sudden reprieve
                I'm doomed to remain
                        On this long-delayed plane
                        On a far darkling plain
                For fourty-eight hours
                        I must grade all these flours
                        I shall drink whiskey sours
There once was a Lim'rick for sale
        Which came with a free pint of ale
                And a packet of nuts
                        With a taste of goat butts
                        And some choice sirloin cuts
                It was Ruddles' best
                        Called Old Everquest
                        And stank of birds' nests
        Which was rather too old and too stale
                The old man from Dover
                        Who smuggled it over
                        Said "I'm glad it's over"
                Fresh blood was required
                        To make it inspired
                        To set it on fire

I'll have a go at the first one:

Please start without me, I'm on leave
And I've something that's hid up my sleeve
Is this a dagger?
Or far Wagga-Wagga
It's neither [or so I believe]
Left over from last New Year's Eve?

Please start without me, I'm on leave
And I've something that's hid up my sleeve
Is this a dagger?
Or an old Eton fagger
If so, then I must be naïve
Applying some fresh Ibuleve®?

Please start without me, I'm on leave
And I've something that's hid up my sleeve
I'll produce it when
I'm a master of Zen
And then, only then will retrieve
A state which is hard to achieve.

Please start without me, I'm on leave
And I've something that's hid up my sleeve
I'll produce it when
The time's right, and then
My state of mind you will perceive
You'll see why my name isn't Steve

Please start without me, I'm on leave
There's no chance of a sudden reprieve
I'm doomed to remain
On this long-delayed plane
Feeling sick with a strong urge to heave
With a cousin of Christopher Reeve

Please start without me, I'm on leave
There's no chance of a sudden reprieve
I'm doomed to remain
On a far darkling plain
With only this basket to weave
With piles of old timber to cleave.

Please start without me, I'm on leave
There's no chance of a sudden reprieve
For fourty-eight hours
I must grade all these flours
Amongst those who pillage and thieve
After which, a sponge cake I'll receive

Please start without me, I'm on leave
There's no chance of a sudden reprieve
For fourty-eight hours
I shall drink whiskey sours
It's by far the best way I can grieve.
At this rate I'll never conceive

I see no-one has yet attempted the second mighty-furcation - The Lim'rick for sale one...
Yesterday - it took me quite a long time to find 16 viable rhymes for the Please start without me one, and as I didn't want to hog the whole thing ... I stopped there. Anyone up for it?
[Chalks] A whole morning, and nobody has dared reply... Whaddyawannadoo?
Chalky] Go for it.

OK - here's part two:

There once was a Lim'rick for sale
Which came with a free pint of ale
And a packet of nuts
With a taste of goat butts
No kidding - just try and inhale!
And seventeen newly plucked quail

There once was a Lim'rick for sale
Which came with a free pint of ale
And a packet of nuts
And some choice sirloin cuts
Just right for the discerning male
A feast of gargantuan scale!

There once was a Lim'rick for sale
Which came with a free pint of ale
It was Ruddles' best
Called Old Everquest
So called 'coz it's beer's holy grail
Available only by mail

There once was a Lim'rick for sale
Which came with a free pint of ale
It was Ruddles' best
And stank of birds' nests
When newly blown down in a gale
But tasted of rancid ox tail

There once was a Lim'rick for sale
Which was rather too old and too stale
The old man from Dover
Who smuggled it over
Went straight to her majesty's jail
Dropped dead from a surfeit of kale

There once was a Lim'rick for sale
Which was rather too old and too stale
The old man from Dover
Said "I'm glad it's over"
"The new version I'll now unveil"
"The rhyme pattern WAS rather frail."

There once was a Lim'rick for sale
Which was rather too old and too stale
Fresh blood was required
To make it inspired
It's now reading Language at Yale
To be a nonsensical tale

There once was a Lim'rick for sale
Which was rather too old and too stale
Fresh blood was required
To set it on fire
And fresh words for comic detail
And give it that sting in the tail

*phew*

*creates a thunderous round of applause*
*gapes in awe. actually in bath, not awe, but you get the idea*
*WOW, very impressive masterpiece of bifurcation!*
There once was a Virgin so chaste ...not thinking of Camilla...?
Who refused to marry in haste ...no, no similarities at all...
Chalky] *jumps up and down cheering* WOW! Do we have a new game idea here?
"I'd rather," she said Chalky] Wow! Irouleguy] Well, there is still the furcation game...
"Keep wetting the bed"
"than indulge in an act so debased."
I'n't there 'owt else to eat but this food?
Ah'm clammin' and I'm norrin the mood
Fer this fancy frog shite
W'll 'av me up al' nite
unless . . .Aww Noooah, ah've pooed.
The duck à l'orange is delicious [I wonder .. do people still eat that?}
And the sole meniere is nutritious [Chalks] Yes, I had it on my birthday, last month. It was delicious.
The crème caramel
Has gone down very well
But the wafer mints make me suspicious.
Waiter! The bill, if you please / Excuse me, can we get the check [Raak] That had me laughing out loud.
As soon as we've finished our cheese/And we're moving inside 'fore we freeze

Or I'll miss my flight to Quebec/Don't worry, it's all on Cal Tech
Our taxi awaits/The hideous stilton / It's cold enough out/The troublesome weather // The flight from Toronto/It flies in an hour / Except for the beer/I've got an account
curse you, botherer... okay, I'll try line four
[Jux] Ha! that happened to me last time - Raak beat me to Line 4 by about 10 minutes. So I copped Line 5. Deep joy :-)
Waiter! The bill, if you please
As soon as we've finished our cheese
Our taxi awaits
So no further debates / In the United States

Waiter! The bill, if you please
As soon as we've finished our cheese
The hideous stilton
You serve at the Hilton / Could cause one to wilt on

Waiter! The bill, if you please
And we're moving inside 'fore we freeze
It's cold enough out
That my pitcher of stout / To destroy without doubt

Waiter! The bill, if you please
And we're moving inside 'fore we freeze
The troublesome weather
Has froze us together / Has ruined the leather

Excuse me, can we get the check
Or I'll miss my flight to Quebec
The flight from Toronto
Is taking off pronto / Will quickly be gone so

Excuse me, can we get the check
Or I'll miss my flight to Quebec
It flies in an hour
By platypus power / So bring it right now or

Excuse me, can we get the check
Don't worry, it's all on Cal Tech
Except for the beer
Charge that to Rich Gere / And these hazelnuts here

Excuse me, can we get the check
Don't worry, it's all on Cal Tech
I've got an account
Of a stunning amount / Thanks to Ms. Lisa Blount
[Jux] Bravo!
*hankers for a plain vanilla limerick*
pen] me too! If I read Irouleguy's comment in Banter correctly, the last installment will be appearing in the Bifurcation Game - so-o-o-o ...

Chalky - It's plain that for easy digestion

Five lines is the best, there's no question
If you squeeze any more
It becomes quite a bore
, to say nothing of mental congestion. Couldn't 'aandle that last lot. This is more like it.
True Lim'ricks will follow these rules: (...well, not at this site anyway ;-)
Good metre and rhyme are their tools
The scansion shall flow
The humour be low
The poets must always be fools.
Low humour is more of an art
An vulgarity sets one apart
*and, rather than an
So don't trust to luck
The use of cheap muck
Is ideal to make up your part
We'll greet the new day with a smile
And then enjoy breakfast in style
Croissants and coffee
Bats coated in toffee
And virgins we'll get to defile.
My cat has got stuck in the hoover
listening to the Bolan Groover
Now they jam in duette
Singing Alanis Morrissette
And Doug Sahm's She's about a mover
Whilst buying some bread at the shops
I also bought barley and hops
You may say that's small beer
But never you fear!
My pot still makes potcheen that's the tops!
Testing, one two and three
Why's this microphone wired to me?
'cos nothing I say
will enliven your day
More than watching daytime TV.
Turn left then go right at the gate
Twenty paces, then remove some slate
In the hole that you'll find
Is some bacon rind
Bring it here, put it straight on my plate. yum yum
My instincts, though somewhat subdued
Involve the consumption of food
My nibbling nature
Destroyed every plate yer
Put in front of me - ain't I rude?
My birthday's just one day away
I'll be ninety-three, so my kids say
But deep down I know
All the wild oats I sow
Is what has turned my hair grey.
I'm going to buy a new house
One which comes with a resident mouse Sorry, rab.
who will nibble my cheese
And give the kids fleas
And teach them to speak fluent Scouse KC - welcome back!
I'm going to buy a new love
Who'll hopefully fit like a glove
we'll skip 'mongst the daisies
Like a couple of crazies
Whilst vultures circle above
I once had a thoroughbred buzzard
well jolly good for you - didn't know they existed
All the vultures and kites thought he wuz 'ard
He married a thrush
Though had a mad crush
Chalky] I can as long as my poetic licence is in date.
On a peregrine falcon from Luzzard.
I once had a Falcon called Ken
Who drank all the scotch in my den
His resulting bad head
Imploded then bled
All over my carpet - bloody alcoholic falcons, ruined it is. RUINED, I tell you.
sorry, couldn't resist.
There once was a chap from Khartoum
Who scootered a way to his doom
Up the old Khyber Pass
Keeping Off The Grass
'cos it's really strong stuff, I assume.
I once knew a kestrel named Don
Who wasn't sure which side he was on
Though he he quite liked the hens Thanks Irouleguy - good to be back :)
err excuse the double 'he' - I was not in fact laughing (it's too early in the limerick for that) What I in fact meant was
Though he quite liked the hens
He hung out in the Men's
I'll check if he's there.....oh he's gone
I can't look; if I do I am cursed
by those who despise Damien Hirst
Because he's preserved
A sheep dipped in derv
But you'll have to admit - that's a first.
As I stepped away from the urinal
I went arse-over-tit on the vinyl
Then I slid to the sink
Set my nose in a kink
Now it smells just like Domestos pine'll
When dogs catch the scent of a pine
They'll either cock a leg or whine
But the worst part is this
On your leg they may p*ss rising to the bait :-)
And the owners a £25 fine
There's going to be an election
So gentlemen, wear some protection
For what's coming up
From the depths of my cup
It's a wonder of nat'ral selection.
On this day of a right royal wedding
All adultrous stigma they're shedding
But to just say 'Ones Sorry'
For a 31-year foray
Would ignore many sessions of bedding
I bring you a new kind of drink
It is made with the musk of a mink
And, since it is fizzy,
You're bound to get dizzy (Oblig.)
And spill most of the drink down the sink
I did about half, then gave up
It's so hard to wash a whole cup
With hands that are soft
I just lazily waft
Some Fairy suds in the general direction of the kitchen sink and then wander off to play with my Weimeraner pup
The battle for gold is intense
though tin's just as good, and less dense
The bronze age's agent
Was copper's reagent Basta*d rhyme, mutter, gripe
But steel wire's the best for a fence
I'm willing to negotiate
Please Joe, say it ain't so
argh, sorry...
  • Kim - I'm willing to negotiate
  • CdM - So tell me please, what's your best rate?
    • If we can agree [CdM] What a curious misspost - am wondering if it offers a window into your psyche :-)
    By quarter to three
    Then we can make it before its too late
    variation time:
    May we invite alternative last lines? [no offence, S'ware] It seemed to have so much potential ...
    I'll start with
    I'm willing to negotiate
    So tell me please, what's your best rate?
    If we can agree
    By quarter to three
    My ego won't over-inflate.
    [Chalky] Nothing so interesting; I just failed to notice when I previewed that I was also simulposted. :-)
    [CdM] I used to have a really patronising message warning you about that, but it upset snorgle so I turned it off.
    By four-o-clock I'll find a date
    This time I won't procrastinate
    So let's get it on
    Tuj] I may be wrong but I think the previous two lines were alternative endings - which is entirely my fault for over-complicating things ...however, it all fits so I'll follow ..
    Chalky - Before this mood's gone
    So to bed where we'll procreate [Suitable, Chalks?]
    [CdM, Chalks, Irouleguy, Softers, Juxtapose, Pen, Tuj] Most satisfactory. This should become a variation of the game, where a number of alternatives for lines 3, 4 and 5 are suggested (but 1 and 2 remain fixed).
    Now, if you'll just slip on this slip
    You may trip up just a bit Thanks for the accolade, Kim :-)
    And slide on the floor
    And collide with the door
    Taking care not to bite on your lip
    There once was an artist from Prague
    Who painted the central Camargue
    White horses galore
    Galloping along the shore
    Entre toute des grandes vagues
    There was a young lady from Tottenham (Softers) Je suis impressionné
    Short skirts - wow! She really looked hot 'n 'em
    With her legs e're so long
    And quadriceps strong
    And clogs, that she got straight from Rotterdam.
    A gent who was sent up to Ghent
    Caused havoc wherever he went
    When he jourmeyed from Aix
    "journeyed"...
    He let loose a hex
    Since his pronunciation was bent
    You give me lager when I ask for beer
    And cast me down when I just want good cheer Are we creating a new form, the limeronnet?
    But give me a cider [Raak] No... ;)
    Complete with dead spider Ahhhh! scrumpy..
    And you just watch me disappear!
    "Would you like an extra strong mint?"
    As a chat-up line [maybe a hint?]
    Can only be said
    "I'd rather be dead!"
    "Well, I'd buy you a beer, but I'm skint"
    When you finish your call and ring off
    I can't help but think "what a toff"
    Your accent is posh
    You talk utter tosh
    From my list you will now be struck orff.
    I once met a psychic named Beth
    Who told me the date of my death
    It was two months ago
    Which just goes to show
    Thou shouldst e'er ignore what Beth saith.
    I died on the first day of Spring
    And lay dead as a very dead thing
    I nourish the worms
    But can't come to terms
    With r&b, swingbeat or bling
    The one thing to remember is this:
    Keep your feet wide apart when you piss sorrysorrysorry
    Urine-soaked feet
    For girl's is not neat
    You'll not be number one for a kiss.
    The good folk of Tierra del Fuego
    Know just how to make a good play go
    Their theatre's fame
    Derives from its name:
    "The Performers of Japanese Plays - No"
    The insurance you sold me's no cushion
    So don't come back round to me pushin'
    With your foot in the door
    Your patter's a bore
    So scram, or I'll clobber yer mush in!
    Let's open a new pack of verses
    So cough up, chaps, and open your purses
    They cost a pound each
    The basics we'll teach
    Of rhyming and meter and curses
    The people who live down the road
    Have cornered the market in woad
    They paint themselves blue
    An interesting hue
    Then explode like a germanic toad (what a great story that was)
    Actually; following on from the aborted bifurcating limerick...
    As you eat this Duck à l'Uranium
    To the sound of the sweet-toned harmanium (which is like a harmonium, but more harmanous)
    You might catch a queck (which is like quick but more quacky)
    peek at the old beck (which is like a bick, but sharper)
    Or dig around inside its cranium. (which is a bit like a...oh, sod it.)
    One holiday weekend in May
    I went to a very strange play
    Just an empty old stage
    Holding Nicholas Cage
    With music by John. Stay away.
    I wish I could play violin
    'Cos fiddling is said to be 'in'
    Like fiddling the books
    With too many cooks
    Can lead to many a sin
    rats misaligned
    In politics, all is not fair
    Unless you support Tony Blair
    Whose radical stance
    on invading France
    Touched the heart of the public right there.
    The wilderness threatens my garden
    So in tactics I beg no one's pardon
    I'll brandish this scythe
    And Paraquat-ize
    And wait for the green concrete to harden
    Bordellos in Brighton-on-Sea
    Actually, scrub that, probably has more potential as:
    Bordellos on Frinton-on-Sea
    Are the place where we'd all like to be
    Yes, grab a granny
    And then shag a trannie [oh dear- SO sorry - very naughty]
    with no need to fear pregnancee. ©G & S
    I bring you the following news:
    The government's bought Rodney Bewes
    They're selling Mo Mowlam
    (She was just a golem)
    And increasing the tax on left shoes [Chalks] Re: Rude line - I wrote almost the same one myself but then thought better of it and didn't post it!

    [pen] ah yes, my 'bravery'. Look at the time of posting :-)
    [Rosie] Top finishing btw
    [K,UK,m,INJ,p] latest lim - bravo!
    She attributes her high popularity
    To her straightforward honest vulgarity
    Her Je ne sais quoi
    And the size of her bra Sorry...
    Are the cause of much frequent hilarity.
    Oh, woe and alas and alack!
    My baby's been caught smoking crack!
    I do hope her craving
    Will stop her from shaving
    The fur off our guinea pig's back.
    I've been lost for a rather long time
    Got stuck in the sunniest clime
    It might sound inviting
    But not when you're fighting
    for rhyme so sublime it will chime.
    Tomorrow, I think I'll go fishing
    My Wife wont even know that I'm missing
    I'll take stacks of beer
    To the end of the pier
    And over the end I'll be pissing oblig.
    Of first lines, I'm heartily sick (six out of the last nine, including this one)
    They really do get on my wick
    So next time I'll wait
    till I see the bait (pen) Isn't that rather difficult for the fair sex?
    Then in my 10p's worth I'll stick!
    [Rosie: a propos your comment to pen: my family and I (including my wife's mother) were out for a walk in the New Forest some while ago. Half way through the walk, my mother-in-law had to heed the call of nature and took herself off the path. My younger son, Sam, noticed her absence. "Where's Grandma Alice gone?", he asked. "She's gone to do a wee-wee", my wife told him. He absorbed this information and we moved on. After a few moments, he tugged at my sleeve. I leaned down and he whispered urgently into my ear: "how's she going to hit the tree?".
    It seems I just can't stop this racket
    Next time I may add one more bracket ;-)
    and layers of felt (Kim) He knows too much. :-)
    Pulled from my belt
    And pockets I tore from your jacket a bit weak, but it seems nobody wanted to end this one...
    I double-post here to spare Kim
    For too many first lines is grim
    But third line is easy
    By the fourth, I am queasy
    Now we're done, so back over to him
    If you think this is me - well it's not
    But quite who it is, I forgot
    It certainly aint me
    And I am not he
    So let's explore who we are - in the cot.
    Three hundred grams of hard cheese
    Lovingly applied to the knees
    Will server to save
    A maid or a knave
    From vicious attacks of large bees
    While applying a nice coat of lacquer
    My wrist just gets limper and slacker
    But, once it dries off
    I stiffen and cough
    Up that lump of slimy chew-bacca
    A frivolous lass from Manchester
    Would go out wearing just a sou'wester
    She said "I'm not cold, *open quote alert*
    and I'm told I'm quite bold, *continues*
    by the visiting fans up from Leicester."
    I won't do it! No! You can't make me!!
    I will not go into that teepee
    I'll stay in my yurt
    , my loins primly girt
    I simply will not let you take me!
    A Rabbi, a Priest, and a goat
    Sought out the Conservative vote
    For each was a Tory
    A right fairy story
    Politically, they've missed the boat.
    The Cup has come back to North London
    It's fashioned from polycarbundun - that means 'crappy old plastic'
    It leaks like a sieve
    But, as long as I live,
    I'll boast that at least we have won one
    To Bombay, a travelling circus Sorry... ;-)
    Made think us, say! what if we lurk us?
    So we hid in the corner
    Right behind the sauna
    So no one or nothing could irk us! :)!
    There was a young lass from Old Sarum
    Who found herself in a sheik's harem
    Though worried at first,
    She rallied and cursed: *open quotes implied*
    "They don't know I'm a boy! That'll scare 'em!"
    [R,i,J,I,B] Heheheheh!
    It's not a good morning for all
    Who stayed up too late at the ball
    For wine has effects
    On some types of sex
    Male or female, this mess will appal
    I met a harpoonist from Munich
    Who was seeing a Swiss gnome from Zurich
    He whimpered and whaled
    Then simpered and sailed Open alert...
    Away in his shocking pink tunic
    Bangaladesh have collapsed
    [UK] What sort of Line 1 is that?
    For their use of good grammar has lapsed
    Can we speak Bengali? I think that's their language.
    The metre and length are there, and it's a reference to the first day's play in the first test match.
    [UK] sorry, I did rather pounce on you. Just a build up of mild frustration that after some wonderful free-flowing limericks over the last couple of months, this game seems to have become clogged up by clever-arse rhyming challenges. Spelling it out: Bangladesh has only two 'a's' so you've inserted an extra syllable; using a proper singular noun, the line should read 'has collapsed'; how many rhymes are there for a word ending in '-lapsed' apart from other words ending in, er ... '-lapsed'?; finally, test match eh? whoopee-dee
    Curses! Let down by my spelling! Oh bugger it.
    Move along now, nothing to see Giving up the previous one for dead
    Except for the glory of me
    clad only in pants (Chalky) Uncle K's spelling mistake improved the scansion no end, whether by accident or design. I'd like to think the latter. Am I right, UK?
    As I gyrate and dance Northern pronunciation invoked. (Rosie) Of course! Ahem... Well, as I said above, I felt the scansion was fine, and I defend my use of 'Bangladesh' as a plural noun to refer to a team of individuals!
    A fine jig called 'The Maid of Tralee' [UK defence] quite right too! Now what about the '-lapsed' rhyme potential? teehee :-)
    They say that obsession with cricket
    Makes you throw a ball and not kick it
    Start yelling "Howzat!"
    And "Look at my bat!"
    And "Read the new Lemony Snicket." For a slightly spooky experience, try Googling "The maid of Tralee" (with the quote marks).
    A golfer with only one club [Irouléguy] Try clicking on the "repeat the search with the omitted results included" for a heavy dose of repetition.
    Will oft find his ball in a shrub
    This provides explanation
    of tight-lipped vexation
    Venting frustration o'er his flub
    Don't ever play poker with Mice!
    And don't let the cats near the dice!
    Don't play a smidgen
    Of chess with a pigeon
    or brag with a goat. That's vice.
    Avoid playing boule with a sloth
    And don't trust a Romulan's oath
    When he bellows, "Oh, blast!"
    Get out of there fast!
    Or else it's the end for you both.
    There once was a fair maid from Skye
    Who would bathe in a tub full of lye
    She'd scrub with wire wool
    (The naïve young fool)
    those parts in which men like to lie.
    The difference between you and me
    Is obvious. What? Can't you see?
    Just look down here
    There's nothing to fear
    I've filled up my basement with brie
    I never eat lobster or crab
    On the whole, I prefer food quite drab
    Don't mention a taco
    Tex-Mex gets me wacko
    Yes, bread rolls (I say) are just fab.
    A potter from Guadalajara
    Was enamoured of Maureen O'Hara
    So he threw a pot
    In the shape of her bot
    For use in films that don't star 'er.
    There once was a lonely young Tsar [oh you brits and your adorable vowels]
    Who searched for a bride wide and far
    In the Urals and Steppes
    He found some sales reps [Software] "Steppes" is a bloody hard rhyme.
    Who were wider than his Bentley car
    While charging my printer with ink
    I said to my spouse with a wink
    "How 'bout a quickie?"
    it'll be nice "n" sticky
    My inkjet is hard, stiff and pink." (yes, coat)
    Whilst scanning the paper for news
    as distinct from political views
    I chanced on a story
    Both funny and gory
    Of pool players impaled on cues
    So, pot all the reds and screw back
    And try to get onto the black [obvious rhyme]
    Then chalk your tip
    And prepare to let rip
    Damn it! Just can't get the knack!
    Eheu Alack and Alas!
    + ,
    Actually, let me take another run up at that, for a better rhyme...
    Eheu, alas and alack!
    A lass is, alas, what I lack
    So I'll look for a lad
    Can it be that bad?
    if I don't mind what goes up my back? Ahem
    [Rosie] Considering the available rhymes, I think you showed admirable restraint there!
    Believe me, it's going to snow.
    This is Antarctica, that's how I know
    The penguins are huddled
    But my mind is muddled
    Watch out! It's just ready to blow
    Uhu, alas and alack
    , is the glue-sniffer's version of crack (Projoy) :-) I am capable of such. I thought it was about rude enough.
    It sticks things together
    Be they wood, steel or leather
    Why doesn't it stick to the pack?
    Uhuru, alas and alek!
    That momma ain't got no respec'
    She got soft-boiled heggs
    And dem unshaven legs
    And wrinkles all over her neck
    Why, George, that's the best of the year!
    Took an age, but worth waiting, my dear!
    The thing I most like
    Is an interest rate hike
    And a drop in the price of my beer
    My alias, Alec O'Hara
    Wears orange and ocre mascara
    His glitter-gel pen
    Gives a rash, now and then
    But makes him look like Che Guevara
    Establish your characters first
    The hero's dashing, the villian's the worst
    The love interest's next
    With scenes of hot sex
    And the heroine's bodice all burst
    Now send it straight to Mills and Boon
    (whose office with virgins is strewn)
    Their readers adore
    Affairs by the score
    And sex by the light of the moon.
    Prepare for a minuscule death
    Don't even take a last breath
    Your quietus make
    as your life we Snopake
    'Tis come-uppance for stalking Gwyneth
    Salubrious parts of the town
    Are located quite a way down
    The old Royal Mile
    So go there with style
    With cigars, and dressed like a clown
    The pedantic ethnologist screamed
    For language was not as it seemed
    Since Phoenician vowels
    Would sound from the bowels
    And consonants emerge therefrom, steamed
    A disgusting limerick, to be sure
    Should be full of the stench of manure
    And filled up with sick
    jokes about Jackson's dick
    To dirty the minds of the pure
    Hypnosis with strawberry jam
    Can be undone with shortcake and ham
    Waved before one's left eye
    With a slice of Jewish rye
    And really not giving a damn!
    A cell that is eukaryotic
    That's steeped in substances narcotic
    Has a nucleotide
    Thats prone to divide
    To produce an antibiotic
    Prions in brains of mad bovinesc
    And the rancid remains of dead ovines (fifth line rhyme gauntlet laid down)
    If you think this is bad
    Then you must be mad
    And should be held in well-kept confines
    Yipsody yapsody yok
    Wha-a-a-a-?
    Whaaaaaat?
    The mouse ran up the clock Attempting a benign recovery. Must be going soft.
    The clock struck eleven
    The mouse went to heaven
    Yipsody yapsody yok It was the logical choice
    A cursory glance would suggest
    That this game has matured past its best
    Or perhaps that's just us
    'cos we do make a fuss
    C'mon all, it's all just in jest
    A limerick's no laughing matter
    It's more than mundane idle chatter
    It must be seriously taken
    And leaves some of us shaken My apologies.
    But time your illusions will shatter
    To the faithful - this game invariably goes through crap phases [like now]. Luckily, it usually dusts itself down and becomes occasionally brilliant without too much prodding.
    'Keep it simple' my tutor advised
    Complexity's to be despised
    The more succinct the better
    Good metre's no fetter
    To keeping your list'ner surprised
    My poofreader wrote I was wong,
    So I sent my first draught to Hong Kong
    And lo and behold
    The noodles were cold
    As was ym Eggy Foo Yong
    I've now installed an extractor . . . . getting into home dentistry
    A turbine and nuclear reactor
    But my house is still cold!
    Fission's best, I was told
    But forgot thermostats in to factor
    A centipede learned how to dance
    A fifty-leg pirouette prance
    But it just cannot jive
    With my big brother Clive
    As fast as these forty-odd ants
    Talking of centipedes, how about adding extra feet? (one per line)
    The earliest type of the Irish commode
    Was made from the skin of a leathery toad
    My grandfather used one for racing {is that right?]
    While virgins so chaste he was chasing{did he use a toad or a commode, and was he chaste?}
    But had to take care or the pot overflowed.
    Perhaps better as a glow centipede?
    The earliest type of the Irish commode
    Was made from the skin of a leathery toad
    Its warts gave one's nethers a jolly good scratch
    And when it wore out it was easy to patch.
    When my parachute did not quite open
    I plummeted down and kept hopin'
    The ground would be soft
    Where I stopped being aloft
    And for seconds it helped me with copin' [Raak] Isn't that more of a cleripede?
    [Projoy] Except a "cleripede" would be impossible, because you can't add feet to a poem with no metre, can you?
    The good folk of Minsk, Belarus
    Recently offered a truce (but to whom, to whom...?)
    To the men of Ukraine
    Who said, "What? Again?"
    "No! We think this is merely a ruse"
    [Darren] I was more referring to the way it used AABB rhyming structure instead of the ABCB of the glow worm. I perhaps meant "imposing feet upon the Clerihew".
    'Twas Clerihew Bentley, I think,
    Who caused the Belgrano to sink
    As he pulled out his plug
    And it started to glug
    He said "It's gone down in the drink."
    The Reverend Spooner, 'tis said
    Beamed when his queer dean was wed
    but not to Friar Tuck
    Who he called "fat duck"
    As he crushed their newly laid bed (matrimoni is not a sin!)
    He said: "I have sailed seven seas,"
    "In search of the perfect green cheese"
    But alas and alack
    Ive found blue, I've found black
    But none in the hue of green peas
    Tonight there's been lightning and thunder (Chalky) How did Edmond Clerihew Bentley cause the Belgrano to sink. I think we should be told.
    And a'tearing my garments asunder
    The humidity's high
    From my neck to my thigh
    And it's too hot to eat -- I'd just chunder!
    "Abracadabra !" said the wizard
    Dropping into his potion, a lizard
    And a piece of a frog
    Two fried balls of a hog
    And from his own pet warthog, the gizzard. Brothers and sisters, let us all puke.
    Quoth the hoary old priest, "Let us pray"
    "That the rain won't stop tennis this day"
    "It's God's favoured game"
    So take the Lord's name
    So that He can keep showers away"
    "I'm back!", cried the happy young man
    I survived the war in Iran
    But President Bush
    Kicked us all in the tush
    In the way that only he can.
    Resign if you must - I don't care!
    You can sue me in court -if you dare!
    But you must not try
    To poke me in the eye
    Or all of your sins I'll lay bare.
    I find, when I travel in vans
    That there's not enough room for my fans
    My groupies and flunkeys
    And trained helper-monkeys
    Are forced to stay over at Gran's
    Gran's last guests were Hansel and Gretel
    While Grandad's were Debbie and Petal
    While I entertained
    With arts unexplained (who's slash?)
    Bands: rock, punk, heavy metal.
    So what's Shangri-La when at home?
    It's to lie in a bathtub in foam
    And feast on the feeling
    Of pruning and peeling
    And arouse yourself with a comb.
    While trekking in Lhasa, Tibet
    I met a piano quintet
    The head lama played Liszt
    Another was pissed
    I'm taking one home as a pet
    I noticed my armpits got sweaty
    whenever I thought of my Betty
    My hyperhydrosis
    Backs up the prognosis
    That I need to cool off on the jetty.
    Last night as she entered her bed,
    My sweat glands started to shed
    Big globules of puss
    Puss?! As in cat? Priceless. Carry on chaps ...
    Ah med a reet fuss attempting a rescue.....
    'Bout disgusting lim'ricks - 'nuff said
    O to be a perfect type - ist
    And to be a flawless rhymist (the scansion, on the other hand...)
    That's a dream we all have, (Then tonite I’d want to get pissed!)
    As we sit on the lav There's only one direction this 'limerick' is going, and that's daaaahhhnnnn
    After riches (still top of the list)
    Let's all get in tune with the nation
    And channel our exasperation
    To make a wrong right
    We'll work through the night did think of "We'll kick the shite" but thought it might not pass the PC test.
    In a fever of pheromonation. There's a PC test?
    When you want to re-boot your PC
    Make sure the keyboard's not greasy
    Press "Ctrl-Alt-Del" pronounced "delete", not "del"
    And all will be well
    Let's try (It's a bit of a cheat) instead. [Raak] Do pay attention... ;-)
    So long as you press the right key, see? / So long as you press the right key, see?
    .. bifurcation to validate BOTH line 4s [mutt - I'm sure Raak knew exactly what he was doing]:-)
    A young chap from Horncastle, Lincs
    went once to see the Sphinx
    He loved his dear camel
    Whom he named after Pamel-
    a Anderson. Why? 'cause she stinks.
    A mad bomber from -- no, too soon for that I think.

    On a stroll in the gardens of Kew [Chalky] Well, I know now, I didn't see the middle two words.

    I discovered a cure for the 'flu
    Once I'd eaten the herb
    the bugs to disturb
    And it cured too my coeliac sprue
    "Play 'Misty' for me!", bellowed Wendy.
    To her new man - a Turkish effendi
    He played not a note
    Nor strummed his sarod
    Or blew on his brass horn so bendy.
    I know I've been gone for a while
    And left in a worrying style
    But I've now done my time
    And constructed a rhyme
    To puzzle, bemuse and beguile:

    My first letter looks like a tent
    My second's a coin oft spent
    Then ditto for three
    The fourth's a trainee
    And my last is the vowel in Lent

    [Chalks]*hasn't seen a doctor in months* (dammit, because some of them are actually quite good-looking)
    In a fairy tale that I once heard
    McDonalds serve fresh lemon curd
    Causing Little Miss Muffet
    To 'Go Large' on her tuffet Oblig.
    Until her-locution is slurred
    I stood in the nude and yelled "Stalin!"
    It didn't go down too well in Tallinn
    The Estonians booed
    The Lithuanians sued
    Made a great document'ry for Palin Is assonance allowed...?
    On this notable day for the French
    They set fire to a large garden bench
    It's forty foot high
    The flames reached to the sky
    But the smoke and the soot please don't mench'. (Bothere) Eh? I thought it was "Pay-lin".
    [Rosie] That's why I asked about assonance. In the word's of Rita, "Getting the rhyme wrong..."
    A lim'rick with dubious rhymes
    Is barely worth nickels and dimes I don't want this to develop into a punch-up but shurely "assonance" means getting the rhyme right. Did you mean "dissonance", as Google might patronisingly ask.
    It doesn't make cents My dictionary gives 'assonance' as 'partial correspondence; rough similarity', so Botherer is right about that, even if he doesn't know how to use apostrophes. *evil grin*
    [Irouléguy] Doh! It's a fair cop!
    And it's camp as pink tents
    Much in line with The Financial Times.
    I'm rowing the rivers for fun
    While attempting a painting in oils (Irouléguy) I'm not going to give this up. :-) My Concise Oxford Dictionary (1964) says of assonance that the vowels must be the same but not necessarily the consonants, this being the partial correspondence you mention. Since it's vowels we're talking about I claim victory, virtue and points, and what do points mean? Derailments.
    Oh, shit! Projoy, how dare you!
    My subject declares
    in four spades, no less . . . going with the flow
    "I'm so glad it wasn't a hornet!"
    A verse lacking reason or rhyme
    Can be seen around here all the time
    Just don't get involved [Rosie, IRG et al] Beyond the point of caring :-P
    Things are easily solved
    Just call it a victimless crime. (Raak) :-)
    I once met a man from Morocco
    where they don't get the scorching scirocco Meteorological correctness is all.
    Just a pleasant mistral
    Which slams doors in the hall yeah, yeah, I know it doesn't rhyme perfectly, but the picture in my head is nice :o)
    And winds up the chaps on our block oh

    What a pleasure it is to be given such challenging rhyming opportunities. And to get two such challenges in the one limerick! Appropos of everything - this may be of some interest to enthusiastic limerickators :-)

    To know when to keep ones mouth shut
    'Cos one's poesy don't make the cut
    A male attribute? raising the controversy level...
    No, that I'd refute (Chalky) I had thought of adding " . . and God help the fifth-liner" in the last limerick.
    The very idea,indeed, tut tut
    It is said that the pharaoh, King Tut
    Had a frantic aversion to fruit
    The mere thought of a plum
    Left him forlorn and glum
    And with bad indigestion to boot!
    The storms of the wild Southern Ocean
    Make a very unsettling commotion
    Whose effect on landlubbers
    Dustmen, nurses and clubbers
    Evokes tormentuous emotion
    O, list to these omens portentuous
    Yon Cassius' a Roman contemptuous
    But he has feet of Clay
    So send him away!
    And let's bring in Marcus Antonius
    While making his last bid for glory
    Michael Howard, the wily old Tory
    stripped anked and swam apologies to anyone eating their lunch
    Asking, "What's 'anked', kind Ma'am?"
    And displaying his assets, quite hoary.
    The weekend is finally here I couldn't decide whether Irouléguy had got the letters in the wrong order or simply left one out.
    Lawks m'm, it's the police
    I'll be loafing and vegging, right here [PM] we have nothing to hide but our genius ;o)
    Opening a bottle blushes deeply
    muttleee] It's the first one - a venial sin, not a mortal one.
    And binging, full throttle
    On the whisky and beer I've got here.
    While reading some tales Canterbury
    Of widows and others quite merry
    I marvelled at Chaucer's
    linguistic enforcers
    But thought the sex unnecessary. well .. someone had to finish it :-)
    [Chalks] Bravo!
    In my dreams, I'm a dustbin man's moll
    He whispers his love, "Aw'ight, doll?"
    "I'd like ta talk dirty"
    "'mong the garbage get flirty"
    I came top in the Binman's Moll Poll
    pen hates it when subordinates sulk
    So she buys pink highlighters in bulk
    She then hands them all out
    Before they all pout
    Or make stupid faces, or skulk. [RSnap] I think the pink pens caused the sulking ...
    The best time of year to grow leeks
    Are the three intermediate weeks What I want to know is, how did it realise I had spent so long thinking of a first line that Darren beat me to it and point it out?
    When Winter's well-spent
    and the first days of Lent I proof read with pink pen. I don't let anyone else use it, and I certainly don't hand them out!
    By calendars of Orthodox Greeks
    "The reason is clear" he explained
    "When the grime and the grease are ingrained unfini...
    In the prints on your fingers, Still unfin...
    and foul odour lingers
    It's time for your bath to be drained."
    He continued, "I think you will find
    "That a dirty bath cleanses the mind,"
    And, proving his point,
    He swivelled his joint
    and mounted the duck from behind.
    I've heard mud packs are great for complexion
    Along with a Botox® injection
    To the front of the brain
    Straight into a vein
    To give you that facial erection
    To poke fun at a pig in a poke
    One needs an insensitive bloke
    Who lunches on cats
    And wears bright purple spats
    Such as the men one finds in Stoke
    Your claims have no basis in fact
    Men of Stoke have oodles of tact
    And manners to spare
    So if you are there
    You'll see that their brains are intact
    Unfortunately, they are insane
    So is my scansion. Let's try again.
    Unfortunately, they're insane
    Or so say the folks from Brisbane
    But how would they know?
    Since they so seldom go
    Anywhere Northwest of Ukraine
    There was a young fellow called Keith
    Who sported elongated teeth
    He would prey in the night
    For morsels to bite
    And thusly his curse would bequeath
    There was a young feller called Ernie
    Who appeared in E.R. - on a gurney
    He hadn't a line
    But just let out a whine
    As he acted the end of life's journey No flowers please. Sniffle.
    When you become overly tired [continuing from "thusly" above]
    You may appear badly attired
    With two mismatched socks
    And your sisters best frocks
    (insert apostrophe wherever desired)
    and those black shiny stockings you hired.
    The sandman is coming, my dear
    Night drapes our celestial sphere
    If you shut your eyes tight
    And wish hard, you just might
    In the morning, with luck, still be here
    Are those French fries called French by the French?
    Ask that lady of wisdom, Dame Dench
    No, the French call then Frites
    Because of their heat
    And apply them to feet - cures the stench
    I drift in a boat on the ocean
    I drift in a boat on the ocean
    And rub, on my skin, suntan lotion
    My feet get Huile d'Frites [see above]
    As the French say, tout de suite,
    But my vomiting's due to the motion.
    And now let us celebrate summer
    Tho' the weather's a bit of a bummer
    We'll just be beach bums
    Each downing neat rums
    Before driving off in our Hummer
    If you want to impress an old flame
    Invite her to go on the game
    For cricket she'll love
    With bat, balls and glove
    But removing the stumps was a pain
    My favourite firework of all
    Is this rocket that stands six foot tall
    The touchpaper lit
    It then scares the shit
    out of children who stand under it
    In the beautiful waters so clear
    Fixing Starsky's F*uck-up

    Darren - My favourite firework of all
    Robin - Is this rocket that stands six foot tall
    Botherer - The touchpaper lit
    Rosie - It then scares the shit
    Software - Out of us as sparks from it fall

    Starsky - In the beautiful waters so clear

    Swam two little creatures quite queer
    Their antics and games
    Went up in flames
    Burning offshore oilrigs being near.
    The weekend's upon us at last!
    I'm sure we'll all have a blast!
    That's dangerous talk!
    Said Mindy to Mork
    "You're likely to get us both glassed"
    An odd-looking bird is the stork
    But tasty with onions and pork
    It delivers babies
    And can't transmit rabies
    But its voice is much better than Bjork
    A chicken which once crossed the road
    Fell in love with a natterjack toad
    It stopped for a chat
    Result, they begat
    A fowl in amphibian mode
    A chicken that's born with frog's legs
    Results from the scrambling of eggs
    When cloning goes wrong
    You'll find it's not long
    Before the gene pool is nothing but dregs
    A tune in the Dorian mode
    Sung by a natterjack toad
    Is likely to cause
    loud, ringing applause
    From the bloke in the pub 'cross the road.
    Unlike froggies, most toads are all warty
    Green, slimy and not very sporty
    They don't like to joke
    Or eat artichoke
    Or do anything cheeky or naughty
    By golly that just takes the biscuit!
    Ten quid for some gristly old brisket
    That's just taking the piss
    My arse you can kiss
    The feeling is nice if you risk it
    hmmm... didn't like that much, but oh well.
    When will my tomatoes be ripe?
    They go so well with custard and tripe
    Just place in the sun
    You'll know when they're done
    If you are a greenhousey type.
    Tomatoes make such great bruschetta
    With a glass of Peroni® much better
    Add some antipasta
    And Laetitia Casta [Simply scrumpotious!]
    Then gently bend over toiletta
    arrow_circle_down
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