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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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A gent who was sent up to Ghent
Caused havoc wherever he went
When he jourmeyed from Aix
"journeyed"...
He let loose a hex
Since his pronunciation was bent
You give me lager when I ask for beer
And cast me down when I just want good cheer Are we creating a new form, the limeronnet?
But give me a cider [Raak] No... ;)
Complete with dead spider Ahhhh! scrumpy..
And you just watch me disappear!
"Would you like an extra strong mint?"
As a chat-up line [maybe a hint?]
Can only be said
"I'd rather be dead!"
"Well, I'd buy you a beer, but I'm skint"
When you finish your call and ring off
I can't help but think "what a toff"
Your accent is posh
You talk utter tosh
From my list you will now be struck orff.
I once met a psychic named Beth
Who told me the date of my death
It was two months ago
Which just goes to show
Thou shouldst e'er ignore what Beth saith.
I died on the first day of Spring
And lay dead as a very dead thing
I nourish the worms
But can't come to terms
With r&b, swingbeat or bling
The one thing to remember is this:
Keep your feet wide apart when you piss sorrysorrysorry
Urine-soaked feet
For girl's is not neat
You'll not be number one for a kiss.
The good folk of Tierra del Fuego
Know just how to make a good play go
Their theatre's fame
Derives from its name:
"The Performers of Japanese Plays - No"
The insurance you sold me's no cushion
So don't come back round to me pushin'
With your foot in the door
Your patter's a bore
So scram, or I'll clobber yer mush in!
Let's open a new pack of verses
So cough up, chaps, and open your purses
They cost a pound each
The basics we'll teach
Of rhyming and meter and curses
The people who live down the road
Have cornered the market in woad
They paint themselves blue
An interesting hue
Then explode like a germanic toad (what a great story that was)
Actually; following on from the aborted bifurcating limerick...
As you eat this Duck à l'Uranium
To the sound of the sweet-toned harmanium (which is like a harmonium, but more harmanous)
You might catch a queck (which is like quick but more quacky)
peek at the old beck (which is like a bick, but sharper)
Or dig around inside its cranium. (which is a bit like a...oh, sod it.)
One holiday weekend in May
I went to a very strange play
Just an empty old stage
Holding Nicholas Cage
With music by John. Stay away.
I wish I could play violin
'Cos fiddling is said to be 'in'
Like fiddling the books
With too many cooks
Can lead to many a sin
rats misaligned
In politics, all is not fair
Unless you support Tony Blair
Whose radical stance
on invading France
Touched the heart of the public right there.
The wilderness threatens my garden
So in tactics I beg no one's pardon
I'll brandish this scythe
And Paraquat-ize
And wait for the green concrete to harden
Bordellos in Brighton-on-Sea
Actually, scrub that, probably has more potential as:
Bordellos on Frinton-on-Sea
Are the place where we'd all like to be
Yes, grab a granny
And then shag a trannie [oh dear- SO sorry - very naughty]
with no need to fear pregnancee. ©G & S
I bring you the following news:
The government's bought Rodney Bewes
They're selling Mo Mowlam
(She was just a golem)
And increasing the tax on left shoes [Chalks] Re: Rude line - I wrote almost the same one myself but then thought better of it and didn't post it!

[pen] ah yes, my 'bravery'. Look at the time of posting :-)
[Rosie] Top finishing btw
[K,UK,m,INJ,p] latest lim - bravo!
She attributes her high popularity
To her straightforward honest vulgarity
Her Je ne sais quoi
And the size of her bra Sorry...
Are the cause of much frequent hilarity.
Oh, woe and alas and alack!
My baby's been caught smoking crack!
I do hope her craving
Will stop her from shaving
The fur off our guinea pig's back.
I've been lost for a rather long time
Got stuck in the sunniest clime
It might sound inviting
But not when you're fighting
for rhyme so sublime it will chime.
Tomorrow, I think I'll go fishing
My Wife wont even know that I'm missing
I'll take stacks of beer
To the end of the pier
And over the end I'll be pissing oblig.
Of first lines, I'm heartily sick (six out of the last nine, including this one)
They really do get on my wick
So next time I'll wait
till I see the bait (pen) Isn't that rather difficult for the fair sex?
Then in my 10p's worth I'll stick!
[Rosie: a propos your comment to pen: my family and I (including my wife's mother) were out for a walk in the New Forest some while ago. Half way through the walk, my mother-in-law had to heed the call of nature and took herself off the path. My younger son, Sam, noticed her absence. "Where's Grandma Alice gone?", he asked. "She's gone to do a wee-wee", my wife told him. He absorbed this information and we moved on. After a few moments, he tugged at my sleeve. I leaned down and he whispered urgently into my ear: "how's she going to hit the tree?".
It seems I just can't stop this racket
Next time I may add one more bracket ;-)
and layers of felt (Kim) He knows too much. :-)
Pulled from my belt
And pockets I tore from your jacket a bit weak, but it seems nobody wanted to end this one...
I double-post here to spare Kim
For too many first lines is grim
But third line is easy
By the fourth, I am queasy
Now we're done, so back over to him
If you think this is me - well it's not
But quite who it is, I forgot
It certainly aint me
And I am not he
So let's explore who we are - in the cot.
Three hundred grams of hard cheese
Lovingly applied to the knees
Will server to save
A maid or a knave
From vicious attacks of large bees
While applying a nice coat of lacquer
My wrist just gets limper and slacker
But, once it dries off
I stiffen and cough
Up that lump of slimy chew-bacca
A frivolous lass from Manchester
Would go out wearing just a sou'wester
She said "I'm not cold, *open quote alert*
and I'm told I'm quite bold, *continues*
by the visiting fans up from Leicester."
I won't do it! No! You can't make me!!
I will not go into that teepee
I'll stay in my yurt
, my loins primly girt
I simply will not let you take me!
A Rabbi, a Priest, and a goat
Sought out the Conservative vote
For each was a Tory
A right fairy story
Politically, they've missed the boat.
The Cup has come back to North London
It's fashioned from polycarbundun - that means 'crappy old plastic'
It leaks like a sieve
But, as long as I live,
I'll boast that at least we have won one
To Bombay, a travelling circus Sorry... ;-)
Made think us, say! what if we lurk us?
So we hid in the corner
Right behind the sauna
So no one or nothing could irk us! :)!
There was a young lass from Old Sarum
Who found herself in a sheik's harem
Though worried at first,
She rallied and cursed: *open quotes implied*
"They don't know I'm a boy! That'll scare 'em!"
[R,i,J,I,B] Heheheheh!
It's not a good morning for all
Who stayed up too late at the ball
For wine has effects
On some types of sex
Male or female, this mess will appal
I met a harpoonist from Munich
Who was seeing a Swiss gnome from Zurich
He whimpered and whaled
Then simpered and sailed Open alert...
Away in his shocking pink tunic
Bangaladesh have collapsed
[UK] What sort of Line 1 is that?
For their use of good grammar has lapsed
Can we speak Bengali? I think that's their language.
The metre and length are there, and it's a reference to the first day's play in the first test match.
[UK] sorry, I did rather pounce on you. Just a build up of mild frustration that after some wonderful free-flowing limericks over the last couple of months, this game seems to have become clogged up by clever-arse rhyming challenges. Spelling it out: Bangladesh has only two 'a's' so you've inserted an extra syllable; using a proper singular noun, the line should read 'has collapsed'; how many rhymes are there for a word ending in '-lapsed' apart from other words ending in, er ... '-lapsed'?; finally, test match eh? whoopee-dee
Curses! Let down by my spelling! Oh bugger it.
Move along now, nothing to see Giving up the previous one for dead
Except for the glory of me
clad only in pants (Chalky) Uncle K's spelling mistake improved the scansion no end, whether by accident or design. I'd like to think the latter. Am I right, UK?
As I gyrate and dance Northern pronunciation invoked. (Rosie) Of course! Ahem... Well, as I said above, I felt the scansion was fine, and I defend my use of 'Bangladesh' as a plural noun to refer to a team of individuals!
A fine jig called 'The Maid of Tralee' [UK defence] quite right too! Now what about the '-lapsed' rhyme potential? teehee :-)
They say that obsession with cricket
Makes you throw a ball and not kick it
Start yelling "Howzat!"
And "Look at my bat!"
And "Read the new Lemony Snicket." For a slightly spooky experience, try Googling "The maid of Tralee" (with the quote marks).
A golfer with only one club [Irouléguy] Try clicking on the "repeat the search with the omitted results included" for a heavy dose of repetition.
Will oft find his ball in a shrub
This provides explanation
of tight-lipped vexation
Venting frustration o'er his flub
Don't ever play poker with Mice!
And don't let the cats near the dice!
Don't play a smidgen
Of chess with a pigeon
or brag with a goat. That's vice.
Avoid playing boule with a sloth
And don't trust a Romulan's oath
When he bellows, "Oh, blast!"
Get out of there fast!
Or else it's the end for you both.
There once was a fair maid from Skye
Who would bathe in a tub full of lye
She'd scrub with wire wool
(The naïve young fool)
those parts in which men like to lie.
The difference between you and me
Is obvious. What? Can't you see?
Just look down here
There's nothing to fear
I've filled up my basement with brie
I never eat lobster or crab
On the whole, I prefer food quite drab
Don't mention a taco
Tex-Mex gets me wacko
Yes, bread rolls (I say) are just fab.
A potter from Guadalajara
Was enamoured of Maureen O'Hara
So he threw a pot
In the shape of her bot
For use in films that don't star 'er.
There once was a lonely young Tsar [oh you brits and your adorable vowels]
Who searched for a bride wide and far
In the Urals and Steppes
He found some sales reps [Software] "Steppes" is a bloody hard rhyme.
Who were wider than his Bentley car
While charging my printer with ink
I said to my spouse with a wink
"How 'bout a quickie?"
it'll be nice "n" sticky
My inkjet is hard, stiff and pink." (yes, coat)
Whilst scanning the paper for news
as distinct from political views
I chanced on a story
Both funny and gory
Of pool players impaled on cues
So, pot all the reds and screw back
And try to get onto the black [obvious rhyme]
Then chalk your tip
And prepare to let rip
Damn it! Just can't get the knack!
Eheu Alack and Alas!
+ ,
Actually, let me take another run up at that, for a better rhyme...
Eheu, alas and alack!
A lass is, alas, what I lack
So I'll look for a lad
Can it be that bad?
if I don't mind what goes up my back? Ahem
[Rosie] Considering the available rhymes, I think you showed admirable restraint there!
Believe me, it's going to snow.
This is Antarctica, that's how I know
The penguins are huddled
But my mind is muddled
Watch out! It's just ready to blow
Uhu, alas and alack
, is the glue-sniffer's version of crack (Projoy) :-) I am capable of such. I thought it was about rude enough.
It sticks things together
Be they wood, steel or leather
Why doesn't it stick to the pack?
Uhuru, alas and alek!
That momma ain't got no respec'
She got soft-boiled heggs
And dem unshaven legs
And wrinkles all over her neck
Why, George, that's the best of the year!
Took an age, but worth waiting, my dear!
The thing I most like
Is an interest rate hike
And a drop in the price of my beer
My alias, Alec O'Hara
Wears orange and ocre mascara
His glitter-gel pen
Gives a rash, now and then
But makes him look like Che Guevara
Establish your characters first
The hero's dashing, the villian's the worst
The love interest's next
With scenes of hot sex
And the heroine's bodice all burst
Now send it straight to Mills and Boon
(whose office with virgins is strewn)
Their readers adore
Affairs by the score
And sex by the light of the moon.
Prepare for a minuscule death
Don't even take a last breath
Your quietus make
as your life we Snopake
'Tis come-uppance for stalking Gwyneth
Salubrious parts of the town
Are located quite a way down
The old Royal Mile
So go there with style
With cigars, and dressed like a clown
The pedantic ethnologist screamed
For language was not as it seemed
Since Phoenician vowels
Would sound from the bowels
And consonants emerge therefrom, steamed
A disgusting limerick, to be sure
Should be full of the stench of manure
And filled up with sick
jokes about Jackson's dick
To dirty the minds of the pure
Hypnosis with strawberry jam
Can be undone with shortcake and ham
Waved before one's left eye
With a slice of Jewish rye
And really not giving a damn!
A cell that is eukaryotic
That's steeped in substances narcotic
Has a nucleotide
Thats prone to divide
To produce an antibiotic
Prions in brains of mad bovinesc
And the rancid remains of dead ovines (fifth line rhyme gauntlet laid down)
If you think this is bad
Then you must be mad
And should be held in well-kept confines
Yipsody yapsody yok
Wha-a-a-a-?
Whaaaaaat?
The mouse ran up the clock Attempting a benign recovery. Must be going soft.
The clock struck eleven
The mouse went to heaven
Yipsody yapsody yok It was the logical choice
A cursory glance would suggest
That this game has matured past its best
Or perhaps that's just us
'cos we do make a fuss
C'mon all, it's all just in jest
A limerick's no laughing matter
It's more than mundane idle chatter
It must be seriously taken
And leaves some of us shaken My apologies.
But time your illusions will shatter
To the faithful - this game invariably goes through crap phases [like now]. Luckily, it usually dusts itself down and becomes occasionally brilliant without too much prodding.
'Keep it simple' my tutor advised
Complexity's to be despised
The more succinct the better
Good metre's no fetter
To keeping your list'ner surprised
My poofreader wrote I was wong,
So I sent my first draught to Hong Kong
And lo and behold
The noodles were cold
As was ym Eggy Foo Yong
I've now installed an extractor . . . . getting into home dentistry
A turbine and nuclear reactor
But my house is still cold!
Fission's best, I was told
But forgot thermostats in to factor
A centipede learned how to dance
A fifty-leg pirouette prance
But it just cannot jive
With my big brother Clive
As fast as these forty-odd ants
Talking of centipedes, how about adding extra feet? (one per line)
The earliest type of the Irish commode
Was made from the skin of a leathery toad
My grandfather used one for racing {is that right?]
While virgins so chaste he was chasing{did he use a toad or a commode, and was he chaste?}
But had to take care or the pot overflowed.
Perhaps better as a glow centipede?
The earliest type of the Irish commode
Was made from the skin of a leathery toad
Its warts gave one's nethers a jolly good scratch
And when it wore out it was easy to patch.
When my parachute did not quite open
I plummeted down and kept hopin'
The ground would be soft
Where I stopped being aloft
And for seconds it helped me with copin' [Raak] Isn't that more of a cleripede?
[Projoy] Except a "cleripede" would be impossible, because you can't add feet to a poem with no metre, can you?
The good folk of Minsk, Belarus
Recently offered a truce (but to whom, to whom...?)
To the men of Ukraine
Who said, "What? Again?"
"No! We think this is merely a ruse"
[Darren] I was more referring to the way it used AABB rhyming structure instead of the ABCB of the glow worm. I perhaps meant "imposing feet upon the Clerihew".
'Twas Clerihew Bentley, I think,
Who caused the Belgrano to sink
As he pulled out his plug
And it started to glug
He said "It's gone down in the drink."
The Reverend Spooner, 'tis said
Beamed when his queer dean was wed
but not to Friar Tuck
Who he called "fat duck"
As he crushed their newly laid bed (matrimoni is not a sin!)
He said: "I have sailed seven seas,"
"In search of the perfect green cheese"
But alas and alack
Ive found blue, I've found black
But none in the hue of green peas
Tonight there's been lightning and thunder (Chalky) How did Edmond Clerihew Bentley cause the Belgrano to sink. I think we should be told.
And a'tearing my garments asunder
The humidity's high
From my neck to my thigh
And it's too hot to eat -- I'd just chunder!
"Abracadabra !" said the wizard
Dropping into his potion, a lizard
And a piece of a frog
Two fried balls of a hog
And from his own pet warthog, the gizzard. Brothers and sisters, let us all puke.
Quoth the hoary old priest, "Let us pray"
"That the rain won't stop tennis this day"
"It's God's favoured game"
So take the Lord's name
So that He can keep showers away"
"I'm back!", cried the happy young man
I survived the war in Iran
But President Bush
Kicked us all in the tush
In the way that only he can.
Resign if you must - I don't care!
You can sue me in court -if you dare!
But you must not try
To poke me in the eye
Or all of your sins I'll lay bare.
I find, when I travel in vans
That there's not enough room for my fans
My groupies and flunkeys
And trained helper-monkeys
Are forced to stay over at Gran's
Gran's last guests were Hansel and Gretel
While Grandad's were Debbie and Petal
While I entertained
With arts unexplained (who's slash?)
Bands: rock, punk, heavy metal.
So what's Shangri-La when at home?
It's to lie in a bathtub in foam
And feast on the feeling
Of pruning and peeling
And arouse yourself with a comb.
While trekking in Lhasa, Tibet
I met a piano quintet
The head lama played Liszt
Another was pissed
I'm taking one home as a pet
I noticed my armpits got sweaty
whenever I thought of my Betty
My hyperhydrosis
Backs up the prognosis
That I need to cool off on the jetty.
Last night as she entered her bed,
My sweat glands started to shed
Big globules of puss
Puss?! As in cat? Priceless. Carry on chaps ...
Ah med a reet fuss attempting a rescue.....
'Bout disgusting lim'ricks - 'nuff said
O to be a perfect type - ist
And to be a flawless rhymist (the scansion, on the other hand...)
That's a dream we all have, (Then tonite I’d want to get pissed!)
As we sit on the lav There's only one direction this 'limerick' is going, and that's daaaahhhnnnn
After riches (still top of the list)
Let's all get in tune with the nation
And channel our exasperation
To make a wrong right
We'll work through the night did think of "We'll kick the shite" but thought it might not pass the PC test.
In a fever of pheromonation. There's a PC test?
When you want to re-boot your PC
Make sure the keyboard's not greasy
Press "Ctrl-Alt-Del" pronounced "delete", not "del"
And all will be well
Let's try (It's a bit of a cheat) instead. [Raak] Do pay attention... ;-)
So long as you press the right key, see? / So long as you press the right key, see?
.. bifurcation to validate BOTH line 4s [mutt - I'm sure Raak knew exactly what he was doing]:-)
A young chap from Horncastle, Lincs
went once to see the Sphinx
He loved his dear camel
Whom he named after Pamel-
a Anderson. Why? 'cause she stinks.
A mad bomber from -- no, too soon for that I think.

On a stroll in the gardens of Kew [Chalky] Well, I know now, I didn't see the middle two words.

I discovered a cure for the 'flu
Once I'd eaten the herb
the bugs to disturb
And it cured too my coeliac sprue
"Play 'Misty' for me!", bellowed Wendy.
To her new man - a Turkish effendi
He played not a note
Nor strummed his sarod
Or blew on his brass horn so bendy.
I know I've been gone for a while
And left in a worrying style
But I've now done my time
And constructed a rhyme
To puzzle, bemuse and beguile:

My first letter looks like a tent
My second's a coin oft spent
Then ditto for three
The fourth's a trainee
And my last is the vowel in Lent

[Chalks]*hasn't seen a doctor in months* (dammit, because some of them are actually quite good-looking)
In a fairy tale that I once heard
McDonalds serve fresh lemon curd
Causing Little Miss Muffet
To 'Go Large' on her tuffet Oblig.
Until her-locution is slurred
I stood in the nude and yelled "Stalin!"
It didn't go down too well in Tallinn
The Estonians booed
The Lithuanians sued
Made a great document'ry for Palin Is assonance allowed...?
On this notable day for the French
They set fire to a large garden bench
It's forty foot high
The flames reached to the sky
But the smoke and the soot please don't mench'. (Bothere) Eh? I thought it was "Pay-lin".
[Rosie] That's why I asked about assonance. In the word's of Rita, "Getting the rhyme wrong..."
A lim'rick with dubious rhymes
Is barely worth nickels and dimes I don't want this to develop into a punch-up but shurely "assonance" means getting the rhyme right. Did you mean "dissonance", as Google might patronisingly ask.
It doesn't make cents My dictionary gives 'assonance' as 'partial correspondence; rough similarity', so Botherer is right about that, even if he doesn't know how to use apostrophes. *evil grin*
[Irouléguy] Doh! It's a fair cop!
And it's camp as pink tents
Much in line with The Financial Times.
I'm rowing the rivers for fun
While attempting a painting in oils (Irouléguy) I'm not going to give this up. :-) My Concise Oxford Dictionary (1964) says of assonance that the vowels must be the same but not necessarily the consonants, this being the partial correspondence you mention. Since it's vowels we're talking about I claim victory, virtue and points, and what do points mean? Derailments.
Oh, shit! Projoy, how dare you!
My subject declares
in four spades, no less . . . going with the flow
"I'm so glad it wasn't a hornet!"
A verse lacking reason or rhyme
Can be seen around here all the time
Just don't get involved [Rosie, IRG et al] Beyond the point of caring :-P
Things are easily solved
Just call it a victimless crime. (Raak) :-)
I once met a man from Morocco
where they don't get the scorching scirocco Meteorological correctness is all.
Just a pleasant mistral
Which slams doors in the hall yeah, yeah, I know it doesn't rhyme perfectly, but the picture in my head is nice :o)
And winds up the chaps on our block oh

What a pleasure it is to be given such challenging rhyming opportunities. And to get two such challenges in the one limerick! Appropos of everything - this may be of some interest to enthusiastic limerickators :-)

To know when to keep ones mouth shut
'Cos one's poesy don't make the cut
A male attribute? raising the controversy level...
No, that I'd refute (Chalky) I had thought of adding " . . and God help the fifth-liner" in the last limerick.
The very idea,indeed, tut tut
It is said that the pharaoh, King Tut
Had a frantic aversion to fruit
The mere thought of a plum
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