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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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The battle for gold is intense
though tin's just as good, and less dense
The bronze age's agent
Was copper's reagent Basta*d rhyme, mutter, gripe
But steel wire's the best for a fence
I'm willing to negotiate
Please Joe, say it ain't so
argh, sorry...
  • Kim - I'm willing to negotiate
  • CdM - So tell me please, what's your best rate?
    • If we can agree [CdM] What a curious misspost - am wondering if it offers a window into your psyche :-)
    By quarter to three
    Then we can make it before its too late
    variation time:
    May we invite alternative last lines? [no offence, S'ware] It seemed to have so much potential ...
    I'll start with
    I'm willing to negotiate
    So tell me please, what's your best rate?
    If we can agree
    By quarter to three
    My ego won't over-inflate.
    [Chalky] Nothing so interesting; I just failed to notice when I previewed that I was also simulposted. :-)
    [CdM] I used to have a really patronising message warning you about that, but it upset snorgle so I turned it off.
    By four-o-clock I'll find a date
    This time I won't procrastinate
    So let's get it on
    Tuj] I may be wrong but I think the previous two lines were alternative endings - which is entirely my fault for over-complicating things ...however, it all fits so I'll follow ..
    Chalky - Before this mood's gone
    So to bed where we'll procreate [Suitable, Chalks?]
    [CdM, Chalks, Irouleguy, Softers, Juxtapose, Pen, Tuj] Most satisfactory. This should become a variation of the game, where a number of alternatives for lines 3, 4 and 5 are suggested (but 1 and 2 remain fixed).
    Now, if you'll just slip on this slip
    You may trip up just a bit Thanks for the accolade, Kim :-)
    And slide on the floor
    And collide with the door
    Taking care not to bite on your lip
    There once was an artist from Prague
    Who painted the central Camargue
    White horses galore
    Galloping along the shore
    Entre toute des grandes vagues
    There was a young lady from Tottenham (Softers) Je suis impressionné
    Short skirts - wow! She really looked hot 'n 'em
    With her legs e're so long
    And quadriceps strong
    And clogs, that she got straight from Rotterdam.
    A gent who was sent up to Ghent
    Caused havoc wherever he went
    When he jourmeyed from Aix
    "journeyed"...
    He let loose a hex
    Since his pronunciation was bent
    You give me lager when I ask for beer
    And cast me down when I just want good cheer Are we creating a new form, the limeronnet?
    But give me a cider [Raak] No... ;)
    Complete with dead spider Ahhhh! scrumpy..
    And you just watch me disappear!
    "Would you like an extra strong mint?"
    As a chat-up line [maybe a hint?]
    Can only be said
    "I'd rather be dead!"
    "Well, I'd buy you a beer, but I'm skint"
    When you finish your call and ring off
    I can't help but think "what a toff"
    Your accent is posh
    You talk utter tosh
    From my list you will now be struck orff.
    I once met a psychic named Beth
    Who told me the date of my death
    It was two months ago
    Which just goes to show
    Thou shouldst e'er ignore what Beth saith.
    I died on the first day of Spring
    And lay dead as a very dead thing
    I nourish the worms
    But can't come to terms
    With r&b, swingbeat or bling
    The one thing to remember is this:
    Keep your feet wide apart when you piss sorrysorrysorry
    Urine-soaked feet
    For girl's is not neat
    You'll not be number one for a kiss.
    The good folk of Tierra del Fuego
    Know just how to make a good play go
    Their theatre's fame
    Derives from its name:
    "The Performers of Japanese Plays - No"
    The insurance you sold me's no cushion
    So don't come back round to me pushin'
    With your foot in the door
    Your patter's a bore
    So scram, or I'll clobber yer mush in!
    Let's open a new pack of verses
    So cough up, chaps, and open your purses
    They cost a pound each
    The basics we'll teach
    Of rhyming and meter and curses
    The people who live down the road
    Have cornered the market in woad
    They paint themselves blue
    An interesting hue
    Then explode like a germanic toad (what a great story that was)
    Actually; following on from the aborted bifurcating limerick...
    As you eat this Duck à l'Uranium
    To the sound of the sweet-toned harmanium (which is like a harmonium, but more harmanous)
    You might catch a queck (which is like quick but more quacky)
    peek at the old beck (which is like a bick, but sharper)
    Or dig around inside its cranium. (which is a bit like a...oh, sod it.)
    One holiday weekend in May
    I went to a very strange play
    Just an empty old stage
    Holding Nicholas Cage
    With music by John. Stay away.
    I wish I could play violin
    'Cos fiddling is said to be 'in'
    Like fiddling the books
    With too many cooks
    Can lead to many a sin
    rats misaligned
    In politics, all is not fair
    Unless you support Tony Blair
    Whose radical stance
    on invading France
    Touched the heart of the public right there.
    The wilderness threatens my garden
    So in tactics I beg no one's pardon
    I'll brandish this scythe
    And Paraquat-ize
    And wait for the green concrete to harden
    Bordellos in Brighton-on-Sea
    Actually, scrub that, probably has more potential as:
    Bordellos on Frinton-on-Sea
    Are the place where we'd all like to be
    Yes, grab a granny
    And then shag a trannie [oh dear- SO sorry - very naughty]
    with no need to fear pregnancee. ©G & S
    I bring you the following news:
    The government's bought Rodney Bewes
    They're selling Mo Mowlam
    (She was just a golem)
    And increasing the tax on left shoes [Chalks] Re: Rude line - I wrote almost the same one myself but then thought better of it and didn't post it!

    [pen] ah yes, my 'bravery'. Look at the time of posting :-)
    [Rosie] Top finishing btw
    [K,UK,m,INJ,p] latest lim - bravo!
    She attributes her high popularity
    To her straightforward honest vulgarity
    Her Je ne sais quoi
    And the size of her bra Sorry...
    Are the cause of much frequent hilarity.
    Oh, woe and alas and alack!
    My baby's been caught smoking crack!
    I do hope her craving
    Will stop her from shaving
    The fur off our guinea pig's back.
    I've been lost for a rather long time
    Got stuck in the sunniest clime
    It might sound inviting
    But not when you're fighting
    for rhyme so sublime it will chime.
    Tomorrow, I think I'll go fishing
    My Wife wont even know that I'm missing
    I'll take stacks of beer
    To the end of the pier
    And over the end I'll be pissing oblig.
    Of first lines, I'm heartily sick (six out of the last nine, including this one)
    They really do get on my wick
    So next time I'll wait
    till I see the bait (pen) Isn't that rather difficult for the fair sex?
    Then in my 10p's worth I'll stick!
    [Rosie: a propos your comment to pen: my family and I (including my wife's mother) were out for a walk in the New Forest some while ago. Half way through the walk, my mother-in-law had to heed the call of nature and took herself off the path. My younger son, Sam, noticed her absence. "Where's Grandma Alice gone?", he asked. "She's gone to do a wee-wee", my wife told him. He absorbed this information and we moved on. After a few moments, he tugged at my sleeve. I leaned down and he whispered urgently into my ear: "how's she going to hit the tree?".
    It seems I just can't stop this racket
    Next time I may add one more bracket ;-)
    and layers of felt (Kim) He knows too much. :-)
    Pulled from my belt
    And pockets I tore from your jacket a bit weak, but it seems nobody wanted to end this one...
    I double-post here to spare Kim
    For too many first lines is grim
    But third line is easy
    By the fourth, I am queasy
    Now we're done, so back over to him
    If you think this is me - well it's not
    But quite who it is, I forgot
    It certainly aint me
    And I am not he
    So let's explore who we are - in the cot.
    Three hundred grams of hard cheese
    Lovingly applied to the knees
    Will server to save
    A maid or a knave
    From vicious attacks of large bees
    While applying a nice coat of lacquer
    My wrist just gets limper and slacker
    But, once it dries off
    I stiffen and cough
    Up that lump of slimy chew-bacca
    A frivolous lass from Manchester
    Would go out wearing just a sou'wester
    She said "I'm not cold, *open quote alert*
    and I'm told I'm quite bold, *continues*
    by the visiting fans up from Leicester."
    I won't do it! No! You can't make me!!
    I will not go into that teepee
    I'll stay in my yurt
    , my loins primly girt
    I simply will not let you take me!
    A Rabbi, a Priest, and a goat
    Sought out the Conservative vote
    For each was a Tory
    A right fairy story
    Politically, they've missed the boat.
    The Cup has come back to North London
    It's fashioned from polycarbundun - that means 'crappy old plastic'
    It leaks like a sieve
    But, as long as I live,
    I'll boast that at least we have won one
    To Bombay, a travelling circus Sorry... ;-)
    Made think us, say! what if we lurk us?
    So we hid in the corner
    Right behind the sauna
    So no one or nothing could irk us! :)!
    There was a young lass from Old Sarum
    Who found herself in a sheik's harem
    Though worried at first,
    She rallied and cursed: *open quotes implied*
    "They don't know I'm a boy! That'll scare 'em!"
    [R,i,J,I,B] Heheheheh!
    It's not a good morning for all
    Who stayed up too late at the ball
    For wine has effects
    On some types of sex
    Male or female, this mess will appal
    I met a harpoonist from Munich
    Who was seeing a Swiss gnome from Zurich
    He whimpered and whaled
    Then simpered and sailed Open alert...
    Away in his shocking pink tunic
    Bangaladesh have collapsed
    [UK] What sort of Line 1 is that?
    For their use of good grammar has lapsed
    Can we speak Bengali? I think that's their language.
    The metre and length are there, and it's a reference to the first day's play in the first test match.
    [UK] sorry, I did rather pounce on you. Just a build up of mild frustration that after some wonderful free-flowing limericks over the last couple of months, this game seems to have become clogged up by clever-arse rhyming challenges. Spelling it out: Bangladesh has only two 'a's' so you've inserted an extra syllable; using a proper singular noun, the line should read 'has collapsed'; how many rhymes are there for a word ending in '-lapsed' apart from other words ending in, er ... '-lapsed'?; finally, test match eh? whoopee-dee
    Curses! Let down by my spelling! Oh bugger it.
    Move along now, nothing to see Giving up the previous one for dead
    Except for the glory of me
    clad only in pants (Chalky) Uncle K's spelling mistake improved the scansion no end, whether by accident or design. I'd like to think the latter. Am I right, UK?
    As I gyrate and dance Northern pronunciation invoked. (Rosie) Of course! Ahem... Well, as I said above, I felt the scansion was fine, and I defend my use of 'Bangladesh' as a plural noun to refer to a team of individuals!
    A fine jig called 'The Maid of Tralee' [UK defence] quite right too! Now what about the '-lapsed' rhyme potential? teehee :-)
    They say that obsession with cricket
    Makes you throw a ball and not kick it
    Start yelling "Howzat!"
    And "Look at my bat!"
    And "Read the new Lemony Snicket." For a slightly spooky experience, try Googling "The maid of Tralee" (with the quote marks).
    A golfer with only one club [Irouléguy] Try clicking on the "repeat the search with the omitted results included" for a heavy dose of repetition.
    Will oft find his ball in a shrub
    This provides explanation
    of tight-lipped vexation
    Venting frustration o'er his flub
    Don't ever play poker with Mice!
    And don't let the cats near the dice!
    Don't play a smidgen
    Of chess with a pigeon
    or brag with a goat. That's vice.
    Avoid playing boule with a sloth
    And don't trust a Romulan's oath
    When he bellows, "Oh, blast!"
    Get out of there fast!
    Or else it's the end for you both.
    There once was a fair maid from Skye
    Who would bathe in a tub full of lye
    She'd scrub with wire wool
    (The naïve young fool)
    those parts in which men like to lie.
    The difference between you and me
    Is obvious. What? Can't you see?
    Just look down here
    There's nothing to fear
    I've filled up my basement with brie
    I never eat lobster or crab
    On the whole, I prefer food quite drab
    Don't mention a taco
    Tex-Mex gets me wacko
    Yes, bread rolls (I say) are just fab.
    A potter from Guadalajara
    Was enamoured of Maureen O'Hara
    So he threw a pot
    In the shape of her bot
    For use in films that don't star 'er.
    There once was a lonely young Tsar [oh you brits and your adorable vowels]
    Who searched for a bride wide and far
    In the Urals and Steppes
    He found some sales reps [Software] "Steppes" is a bloody hard rhyme.
    Who were wider than his Bentley car
    While charging my printer with ink
    I said to my spouse with a wink
    "How 'bout a quickie?"
    it'll be nice "n" sticky
    My inkjet is hard, stiff and pink." (yes, coat)
    Whilst scanning the paper for news
    as distinct from political views
    I chanced on a story
    Both funny and gory
    Of pool players impaled on cues
    So, pot all the reds and screw back
    And try to get onto the black [obvious rhyme]
    Then chalk your tip
    And prepare to let rip
    Damn it! Just can't get the knack!
    Eheu Alack and Alas!
    + ,
    Actually, let me take another run up at that, for a better rhyme...
    Eheu, alas and alack!
    A lass is, alas, what I lack
    So I'll look for a lad
    Can it be that bad?
    if I don't mind what goes up my back? Ahem
    [Rosie] Considering the available rhymes, I think you showed admirable restraint there!
    Believe me, it's going to snow.
    This is Antarctica, that's how I know
    The penguins are huddled
    But my mind is muddled
    Watch out! It's just ready to blow
    Uhu, alas and alack
    , is the glue-sniffer's version of crack (Projoy) :-) I am capable of such. I thought it was about rude enough.
    It sticks things together
    Be they wood, steel or leather
    Why doesn't it stick to the pack?
    Uhuru, alas and alek!
    That momma ain't got no respec'
    She got soft-boiled heggs
    And dem unshaven legs
    And wrinkles all over her neck
    Why, George, that's the best of the year!
    Took an age, but worth waiting, my dear!
    The thing I most like
    Is an interest rate hike
    And a drop in the price of my beer
    My alias, Alec O'Hara
    Wears orange and ocre mascara
    His glitter-gel pen
    Gives a rash, now and then
    But makes him look like Che Guevara
    Establish your characters first
    The hero's dashing, the villian's the worst
    The love interest's next
    With scenes of hot sex
    And the heroine's bodice all burst
    Now send it straight to Mills and Boon
    (whose office with virgins is strewn)
    Their readers adore
    Affairs by the score
    And sex by the light of the moon.
    Prepare for a minuscule death
    Don't even take a last breath
    Your quietus make
    as your life we Snopake
    'Tis come-uppance for stalking Gwyneth
    Salubrious parts of the town
    Are located quite a way down
    The old Royal Mile
    So go there with style
    With cigars, and dressed like a clown
    The pedantic ethnologist screamed
    For language was not as it seemed
    Since Phoenician vowels
    Would sound from the bowels
    And consonants emerge therefrom, steamed
    A disgusting limerick, to be sure
    Should be full of the stench of manure
    And filled up with sick
    jokes about Jackson's dick
    To dirty the minds of the pure
    Hypnosis with strawberry jam
    Can be undone with shortcake and ham
    Waved before one's left eye
    With a slice of Jewish rye
    And really not giving a damn!
    A cell that is eukaryotic
    That's steeped in substances narcotic
    Has a nucleotide
    Thats prone to divide
    To produce an antibiotic
    Prions in brains of mad bovinesc
    And the rancid remains of dead ovines (fifth line rhyme gauntlet laid down)
    If you think this is bad
    Then you must be mad
    And should be held in well-kept confines
    Yipsody yapsody yok
    Wha-a-a-a-?
    Whaaaaaat?
    The mouse ran up the clock Attempting a benign recovery. Must be going soft.
    The clock struck eleven
    The mouse went to heaven
    Yipsody yapsody yok It was the logical choice
    A cursory glance would suggest
    That this game has matured past its best
    Or perhaps that's just us
    'cos we do make a fuss
    C'mon all, it's all just in jest
    A limerick's no laughing matter
    It's more than mundane idle chatter
    It must be seriously taken
    And leaves some of us shaken My apologies.
    But time your illusions will shatter
    To the faithful - this game invariably goes through crap phases [like now]. Luckily, it usually dusts itself down and becomes occasionally brilliant without too much prodding.
    'Keep it simple' my tutor advised
    Complexity's to be despised
    The more succinct the better
    Good metre's no fetter
    To keeping your list'ner surprised
    My poofreader wrote I was wong,
    So I sent my first draught to Hong Kong
    And lo and behold
    The noodles were cold
    As was ym Eggy Foo Yong
    I've now installed an extractor . . . . getting into home dentistry
    A turbine and nuclear reactor
    But my house is still cold!
    Fission's best, I was told
    But forgot thermostats in to factor
    A centipede learned how to dance
    A fifty-leg pirouette prance
    But it just cannot jive
    With my big brother Clive
    As fast as these forty-odd ants
    Talking of centipedes, how about adding extra feet? (one per line)
    The earliest type of the Irish commode
    Was made from the skin of a leathery toad
    My grandfather used one for racing {is that right?]
    While virgins so chaste he was chasing{did he use a toad or a commode, and was he chaste?}
    But had to take care or the pot overflowed.
    Perhaps better as a glow centipede?
    The earliest type of the Irish commode
    Was made from the skin of a leathery toad
    Its warts gave one's nethers a jolly good scratch
    And when it wore out it was easy to patch.
    When my parachute did not quite open
    I plummeted down and kept hopin'
    The ground would be soft
    Where I stopped being aloft
    And for seconds it helped me with copin' [Raak] Isn't that more of a cleripede?
    [Projoy] Except a "cleripede" would be impossible, because you can't add feet to a poem with no metre, can you?
    The good folk of Minsk, Belarus
    Recently offered a truce (but to whom, to whom...?)
    To the men of Ukraine
    Who said, "What? Again?"
    "No! We think this is merely a ruse"
    [Darren] I was more referring to the way it used AABB rhyming structure instead of the ABCB of the glow worm. I perhaps meant "imposing feet upon the Clerihew".
    'Twas Clerihew Bentley, I think,
    Who caused the Belgrano to sink
    As he pulled out his plug
    And it started to glug
    He said "It's gone down in the drink."
    The Reverend Spooner, 'tis said
    Beamed when his queer dean was wed
    but not to Friar Tuck
    Who he called "fat duck"
    As he crushed their newly laid bed (matrimoni is not a sin!)
    He said: "I have sailed seven seas,"
    "In search of the perfect green cheese"
    But alas and alack
    Ive found blue, I've found black
    But none in the hue of green peas
    Tonight there's been lightning and thunder (Chalky) How did Edmond Clerihew Bentley cause the Belgrano to sink. I think we should be told.
    And a'tearing my garments asunder
    The humidity's high
    From my neck to my thigh
    And it's too hot to eat -- I'd just chunder!
    "Abracadabra !" said the wizard
    Dropping into his potion, a lizard
    And a piece of a frog
    Two fried balls of a hog
    And from his own pet warthog, the gizzard. Brothers and sisters, let us all puke.
    Quoth the hoary old priest, "Let us pray"
    "That the rain won't stop tennis this day"
    "It's God's favoured game"
    So take the Lord's name
    So that He can keep showers away"
    "I'm back!", cried the happy young man
    I survived the war in Iran
    But President Bush
    Kicked us all in the tush
    In the way that only he can.
    Resign if you must - I don't care!
    You can sue me in court -if you dare!
    But you must not try
    To poke me in the eye
    Or all of your sins I'll lay bare.
    I find, when I travel in vans
    That there's not enough room for my fans
    My groupies and flunkeys
    And trained helper-monkeys
    Are forced to stay over at Gran's
    Gran's last guests were Hansel and Gretel
    While Grandad's were Debbie and Petal
    While I entertained
    With arts unexplained (who's slash?)
    Bands: rock, punk, heavy metal.
    So what's Shangri-La when at home?
    It's to lie in a bathtub in foam
    And feast on the feeling
    Of pruning and peeling
    And arouse yourself with a comb.
    While trekking in Lhasa, Tibet
    I met a piano quintet
    The head lama played Liszt
    Another was pissed
    I'm taking one home as a pet
    I noticed my armpits got sweaty
    whenever I thought of my Betty
    My hyperhydrosis
    Backs up the prognosis
    That I need to cool off on the jetty.
    Last night as she entered her bed,
    My sweat glands started to shed
    Big globules of puss
    Puss?! As in cat? Priceless. Carry on chaps ...
    Ah med a reet fuss attempting a rescue.....
    'Bout disgusting lim'ricks - 'nuff said
    O to be a perfect type - ist
    And to be a flawless rhymist (the scansion, on the other hand...)
    That's a dream we all have, (Then tonite I’d want to get pissed!)
    As we sit on the lav There's only one direction this 'limerick' is going, and that's daaaahhhnnnn
    After riches (still top of the list)
    Let's all get in tune with the nation
    And channel our exasperation
    To make a wrong right
    We'll work through the night did think of "We'll kick the shite" but thought it might not pass the PC test.
    In a fever of pheromonation. There's a PC test?
    When you want to re-boot your PC
    Make sure the keyboard's not greasy
    Press "Ctrl-Alt-Del" pronounced "delete", not "del"
    And all will be well
    Let's try (It's a bit of a cheat) instead. [Raak] Do pay attention... ;-)
    So long as you press the right key, see? / So long as you press the right key, see?
    .. bifurcation to validate BOTH line 4s [mutt - I'm sure Raak knew exactly what he was doing]:-)
    A young chap from Horncastle, Lincs
    went once to see the Sphinx
    He loved his dear camel
    Whom he named after Pamel-
    a Anderson. Why? 'cause she stinks.
    A mad bomber from -- no, too soon for that I think.

    On a stroll in the gardens of Kew [Chalky] Well, I know now, I didn't see the middle two words.

    I discovered a cure for the 'flu
    Once I'd eaten the herb
    the bugs to disturb
    And it cured too my coeliac sprue
    "Play 'Misty' for me!", bellowed Wendy.
    To her new man - a Turkish effendi
    He played not a note
    Nor strummed his sarod
    Or blew on his brass horn so bendy.
    I know I've been gone for a while
    And left in a worrying style
    arrow_circle_down
    Want to play? Online Crescenteering lives on at Discord