mc5 - The Obligatory Limericks Game

I'll check if he's there.....oh he's gone

I can't look; if I do I am cursed

by those who despise Damien Hirst

Because he's preserved

A sheep dipped in derv

But you'll have to admit - that's a first.

As I stepped away from the urinal

I went arse-over-tit on the vinyl

Simons Mith

Then I slid to the sink

Set my nose in a kink

Now it smells just like Domestos pine'll

When dogs catch the scent of a pine

They'll either cock a leg or whine

Dujon

But the worst part is this

On your leg they may p*ss rising to the bait :-)

And the owners a £25 fine

There's going to be an election

So gentlemen, wear some protection

For what's coming up

From the depths of my cup

It's a wonder of nat'ral selection.

Knobbly

On this day of a right royal wedding

All adultrous stigma they're shedding

Snodgrass

But to just say 'Ones Sorry'

Kevin

For a 31-year foray

Would ignore many sessions of bedding

I bring you a new kind of drink

It is made with the musk of a mink

And, since it is fizzy,

You're bound to get dizzy (Oblig.)

And spill most of the drink down the sink

I did about half, then gave up

It's so hard to wash a whole cup

With hands that are soft

Irouleguy

I just lazily waft

Some Fairy suds in the general direction of the kitchen sink and then wander off to play with my Weimeraner pup

The battle for gold is intense

though tin's just as good, and less dense

The bronze age's agent

Was copper's reagent Basta*d rhyme, mutter, gripe

But steel wire's the best for a fence

I'm willing to negotiate

Please Joe, say it ain't so

argh, sorry...

Kim - I'm willing to negotiate

CdM - So tell me please, what's your best rate?

If we can agree [CdM] What a curious misspost - am wondering if it offers a window into your psyche :-)

Irouleguy

By quarter to three

Then we can make it before its too late

variation time:
May we invite alternative last lines? [no offence, S'ware] It seemed to have so much potential ...
I'll start with
I'm willing to negotiate
So tell me please, what's your best rate?
If we can agree
By quarter to three
My ego won't over-inflate.

[Chalky] Nothing so interesting; I just failed to notice when I previewed that I was also simulposted. :-)

rab

[CdM] I used to have a really patronising message warning you about that, but it upset snorgle so I turned it off.

By four-o-clock I'll find a date

This time I won't procrastinate

So let's get it on

Tuj] I may be wrong but I think the previous two lines were alternative endings - which is entirely my fault for over-complicating things ...however, it all fits so I'll follow ..
Chalky - Before this mood's gone

So to bed where we'll procreate [Suitable, Chalks?]

[CdM, Chalks, Irouleguy, Softers, Juxtapose, Pen, Tuj] Most satisfactory. This should become a variation of the game, where a number of alternatives for lines 3, 4 and 5 are suggested (but 1 and 2 remain fixed).
Now, if you'll just slip on this slip

You may trip up just a bit Thanks for the accolade, Kim :-)

And slide on the floor

And collide with the door

Taking care not to bite on your lip

There once was an artist from Prague

Who painted the central Camargue

Irouleguy

White horses galore

Galloping along the shore

Entre toute des grandes vagues

There was a young lady from Tottenham (Softers) Je suis impressionné

Short skirts - wow! She really looked hot 'n 'em

With her legs e're so long

And quadriceps strong

Néa

And clogs, that she got straight from Rotterdam.

A gent who was sent up to Ghent

Caused havoc wherever he went

When he jourmeyed from Aix

"journeyed"...

He let loose a hex

Since his pronunciation was bent

You give me lager when I ask for beer

And cast me down when I just want good cheer Are we creating a new form, the limeronnet?

But give me a cider [Raak] No... ;)

Complete with dead spider Ahhhh! scrumpy..

And you just watch me disappear!

"Would you like an extra strong mint?"

As a chat-up line [maybe a hint?]

Can only be said

"I'd rather be dead!"

"Well, I'd buy you a beer, but I'm skint"

When you finish your call and ring off

I can't help but think "what a toff"

Your accent is posh

Simons Mith

You talk utter tosh

From my list you will now be struck orff.

I once met a psychic named Beth

Who told me the date of my death

It was two months ago

Which just goes to show

Thou shouldst e'er ignore what Beth saith.

I died on the first day of Spring

And lay dead as a very dead thing

I nourish the worms

But can't come to terms

With r&b, swingbeat or bling

The one thing to remember is this:

Keep your feet wide apart when you piss sorrysorrysorry

Urine-soaked feet

For girl's is not neat

You'll not be number one for a kiss.

The good folk of Tierra del Fuego

Bif

Know just how to make a good play go

Their theatre's fame

Derives from its name:

"The Performers of Japanese Plays - No"

The insurance you sold me's no cushion

So don't come back round to me pushin'

Bigsmith

With your foot in the door

Your patter's a bore

So scram, or I'll clobber yer mush in!

Align

Let's open a new pack of verses

So cough up, chaps, and open your purses

They cost a pound each

Irouéguy

The basics we'll teach

Of rhyming and meter and curses

The people who live down the road

Have cornered the market in woad

They paint themselves blue

Snodgrass

An interesting hue

Knobbly

Then explode like a germanic toad (what a great story that was)

Knobbly

Actually; following on from the aborted bifurcating limerick...

As you eat this Duck à l'Uranium

To the sound of the sweet-toned harmanium (which is like a harmonium, but more harmanous)

You might catch a queck (which is like quick but more quacky)

peek at the old beck (which is like a bick, but sharper)

Or dig around inside its cranium. (which is a bit like a...oh, sod it.)

One holiday weekend in May

I went to a very strange play

irach

Just an empty old stage

Holding Nicholas Cage

With music by John. Stay away.

I wish I could play violin

'Cos fiddling is said to be 'in'

Like fiddling the books

With too many cooks

Kiwi Chris

Can lead to many a sin

Kiwi Chris

rats misaligned

In politics, all is not fair

Unless you support Tony Blair

Whose radical stance

on invading France

Touched the heart of the public right there.

The wilderness threatens my garden

So in tactics I beg no one's pardon

I'll brandish this scythe

And Paraquat-ize

ImNotJohn

And wait for the green concrete to harden

Projoy

Bordellos in Brighton-on-Sea

Projoy

Actually, scrub that, probably has more potential as:
Bordellos on Frinton-on-Sea

Are the place where we'd all like to be

Yes, grab a granny

And then shag a trannie [oh dear- SO sorry - very naughty]

I bring you the following news:

The government's bought Rodney Bewes

They're selling Mo Mowlam

ImNotJohn

(She was just a golem)

And increasing the tax on left shoes [Chalks] Re: Rude line - I wrote almost the same one myself but then thought better of it and didn't post it!

[pen] ah yes, my 'bravery'. Look at the time of posting :-)
[Rosie] Top finishing btw
[K,UK,m,INJ,p] latest lim - bravo!

She attributes her high popularity

st dogmael

To her straightforward honest vulgarity

Her Je ne sais quoi

And the size of her bra Sorry...

Are the cause of much frequent hilarity.

Oh, woe and alas and alack!

My baby's been caught smoking crack!

I do hope her craving

Will stop her from shaving

The fur off our guinea pig's back.

Ella

I've been lost for a rather long time

rab

Got stuck in the sunniest clime

It might sound inviting

But not when you're fighting

for rhyme so sublime it will chime.

Tomorrow, I think I'll go fishing

Snodgrass

My Wife wont even know that I'm missing

I'll take stacks of beer

To the end of the pier

And over the end I'll be pissing oblig.

Of first lines, I'm heartily sick (six out of the last nine, including this one)

They really do get on my wick

So next time I'll wait

till I see the bait (pen) Isn't that rather difficult for the fair sex?

Then in my 10p's worth I'll stick!

[Rosie: a propos your comment to pen: my family and I (including my wife's mother) were out for a walk in the New Forest some while ago. Half way through the walk, my mother-in-law had to heed the call of nature and took herself off the path. My younger son, Sam, noticed her absence. "Where's Grandma Alice gone?", he asked. "She's gone to do a wee-wee", my wife told him. He absorbed this information and we moved on. After a few moments, he tugged at my sleeve. I leaned down and he whispered urgently into my ear: "how's she going to hit the tree?".

It seems I just can't stop this racket

Marc

Next time I may add one more bracket ;-)

and layers of felt (Kim) He knows too much. :-)

Pulled from my belt

And pockets I tore from your jacket a bit weak, but it seems nobody wanted to end this one...