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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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Her Maj is appalled
Though he was pretty old
but now she'll have eggs sans pareil. All right, male quails don't lay eggs.
It's often been said, down our way Or often been Sid, as I typed before...
That male quails don't lay eggs, unless gay
And those that they do Mmm, this is getting quite surreal.
Are just filled with goo
Bollocks! That's all just hearsay.
There was a young lady from Camden
Who always liked to keep her hand in
Quite where, we don't know
We suspect it was Bow
(It's the sort of place she'd make one "stand" in)
I've been told that the Tottenham Court Road
Is a bad place to be for a toad
But frogs are OK
,lightly killed, they say, Rather crunchy.
Unlike ferrets, which tend to explode. It happened nine times yesterday...
There was a young gent lived in Fulham limerick syntax declared
A hit with girls - boy, could he pull 'em!
For he was well endowed opening for abuse....
And oft stood rather proud never knowingly underestimated
And his silken words always would lull 'em
I'm standing in two feet of rain
Yes, my basement is flooded again
The waters are lapping unfinished sentence al...
And the kids are all clapping
the Medway - it's won yet again.
Outside it is blowing a hooley More bloody rough weather, eh Rosie?
And the rain pisses down most unduly (Actually, it's quite fine here and now.)
But whether the weather
goes mad altogether (Softers) Yes. Nasty but not dire. This one's been hyped up a bit, but the barometer will go quite low, even so.
Would depend on 'Hurricane Julie' / Be sure to lag both of your goolies - Bifurcating, with slight force
Remember, when out in the rain / "I'll say it to you, straight and plain" No idea what happens next. Maybe this is just an advert for The Furcation Game. We'll see.
That hail would be causing more pain / "Bend your knees when lifting, don't strain"
It could be so much worse / For the weight of this purse
Then I’ll call my sweet nurse / We deliver this verse:
And we'll try that nice treatment again / By Virgin, the strain's on the train
Giving rise to much 'booing' and 'hissing'
For to Gerrymander
is but to pander
a sort of backhanded ar*e kissing
I'm off to an Anne Summers do! (not been to one before - should I be apprehensive?)
To see things...that are mainly see-through (oh yes)
Some of them wobble and buzz (can I come?)
Respectfully, Bm, might that scan a little better if it were:
Some wobble and buzz
Some light up - this one does!
Like my glowing vibrator does too.... (....well, not mine but maybe Anne Zummer's....?)
Now bin Laden is talking again, (does 'poetry' and politics unite?)
At least he has not got a plane *carpentry invoked*
His call to surrender
In bra and suspender
Show his smalls must be causing him pain LOL the mental picture of BinLaden in bra and suspenders is a disturbingly funny one...
There once was this horny old goat,
Who made an odd sound in his throat
Which sounded just like...
An old motor bike
That was pow'red by a treadmill-bound stoat.
I hide in the depths of this pear
Eating tunnels that go here and there A limerick narrated by a maggot?
On reaching the core
I start outward once more
So when you take a bite have a care (nothing worse than finding half a maggot in your pear)
Who cares about this election?
Cried the Chinese girl in my direction.
The whole politburo
standing leady, theil heads glow (what do I know about politicians….?)
Whatever - there's f**k-all selection.
The time to take action is now
The road ahead's blocked by a cow
And the bovine obstruction
(By simple deduction)
Is worse than that caused by a sow.
The omission of the letter 'K'
Is useful in one certain way
If you find that you kneed (Oh, a play on words... maybe I'm slowly getting better)
A Knurd knamed Knaveed
He's over on Knorthampton Way
In Knaresborough, knaves know about knickers
A Subject that sometimes sees snickers [Rosie] Fiendish Aliteration count there
When wearing white woolies
To ward off the bullies Nice one, Rosie :-)
Be braced for a big bloke that bickers
America civilised? Pah!
'Bout time we realised, yah?
George Bush has English roots
Thinks after he shoots
The Yank's guzzle more gas - by far.
In Arabia, baby, a girl
Whose umbrella refused to unfurl
Had a trouble with wind
'Cos her mother had sinned
by sitting with her feet on a sill
My tumour grows large in the Fall
My humour, by contrast, grows small
My gloags start to spread
(I hasten to point out, btw, that I wrote that line before I saw the news story about Mrs Edwards)
and click inside my head
Believe me, that's not nice at all.
So, reasons to not give a **** (you decide!)
Include rudeness, forgetfulness, thrift, This censorship is out of hand, at least if you don't get a Christmas present.
But my favourite excuse
To politely refuse
Which will leave grammar purists well-miffed.
So, reasons to not give a f*** (again, your choice)
That the Dems are so down on their luck (not beating about the bush, as it were)
It's only four years (Though imagine if Bush got assassinated - Cheney would get the rest of his term, then undoubtedly be elected for a new one, and could stand for yet another at the end...)
Yet I have many fears
, not least that the chimp runs amok
A radio drama is good
That's what you say - well you would
But give me a present
That is effervescent
And doesn't do more than it should.
Rememeber, when you're in the car
The four round things go on the tar
The pointier end
Should be first round a bend
And Ford means "Found On Road Dead," har har.
Bear in mind, when alighting the train
Look right, then left, then right again
"Is this Liskeard (for Looe)?"
"Or New Street (for Crewe)?"
"No. It's a roundabout and you are a pain!"
A splendour rose up in the sky
"Hey, big splendour!" I heard Shirley cry
The splendour replied:
"I'm small and on my side;"
Ne'er again will I stargaze while high.
A duck, and a coin, and a shoe
Are things I have fished from the loo.
tramp steamers and trains
(they're big, they block drains) Not the only thing, I've found. :-(
And a TARDIS mislaid by Doc. Who
If it's good, then give it no thought
Don't bother with "should I?" or "ought...?"
Just jump right on in
It can't be a sin
unless of course you get caught. (Raak) Amazing coincidence: - My first attempt was exactly the same as yours only you got in first. Great Minds . . .
[Raak, Rose] Great minds? I beg to differ. Anoraks... ;o)
Such a thrill to be breaking the law
So I think that I'll do it some more [Pen] I've met Rosie and I can assure you he is not/doesn't wear an anorak.
Oh. Hello Inspector!
My name's Doctor Lecter
Excuse me while I eat Al Gore.
My cholesterol levels are high
'cos I'm overly fond of Gore Pie
Except for the crust
all covered in dust
from cremating that Arafat guy.
The great thing 'bout this time of night (Softers) Cheers. I did have a duffel coat at one time.
Is that nobody else is in sight ;-)
They'll never find out
I'm tickling trout
But why do they put up a fight?
A double deep black cherry pie
A fruity delight to my eye
With thick double cream
And fish oils of bream
Has just made me puke down my tie.
Don't talk to the oiks, Pollyanna
They're bound to hate your jolly manner
And as for your hair,
Well, to be fair,
I would call it brunette, but I canna. Yeah, yer annoying wee gingernut....
[Projoy] so you had nothing better to do on Sunday afternoon than watch crappy films too?
Christmas is coming they say
So I think that I just skip that day
And just have New Year [pen] Yes, it was so utterly syrupy, I got stuck to the sofa. I cheered when she got run over.
With three gallons of beer
And lots of loose women, wahey!
An elephant kiss'd me, m'lud!
Its trunk was most clearly no dud!
It sought out the parts
For refreshment by tarts coat!
which sounds like a joke by Roy Hudd. I know one of his scriptwriters. So that's where he gets them.
Exhibit A: Elephant, one
Exhibit B: half a swiss bun
The jury will find
(if it's that way inclined)
The rest in a great pile of . . . "what's brown and sounds like a bell"
Douglas Adams wrote "The Salmon of Doubt"
Working title "Faith Haddock Without"
But the draft wasn't finished
Adams' strength was diminished
The light of his life flickered out.
Tim Berners-Lee said of the web
"It makes me look less of a pleb."
"For I now wear flash suits"
"Gone are those zoots"
"Don't you think I resemble a deb?" That's enough of that!
As he jumped from the wardrobe, he said:
"I am wearing my pants on my head."
"and my socks on my thumb"
Which has made them go numb
"And smell oddly like garlic bread"
In the middle of writing an ode
to the hard men who dig up the road
I spied a strange man
Making tea in a can
While his body was painted with woad.
While attending a conference in Ghent
I found that my briefcase was bent
Its titanium hinge
Had developed a fringe
Of no use to a business-like gent
The good folk of Buckfastleigh, Devon
All retire to bed around seven
For they get up at eleven (oops this is going to be an all lines rhyme limerick)
Read a book by Nye Bevan
and pray that they go to heaven
When standing alone in the dark
I disrobed, to my vest, for a lark.
I re-dressed in a hurry
when a truck load of slurry
Escaped (stained my shirt with a mark).
The trouble with loaning out bees
is thay always come back with strained knees Hern
Quite why this is so
I really don't know
But a physicist might for some fees (according to Physics, a bumblebee can't fly).
A stalactite falls from the roof
Wooky Hole provides us with proof quite splendid caves there, well worth a visit
That if no-one is there
does anyone care? - Who gives a Hern
Or are we completely aloof?
There once was a student in Leeds
Whose ambition was spreading his seeds
So of he went clubbing
while elm seeds dropping
And satisfied all of his needs.
"MY GOD" said her lady in waiting
"Her Ladyship's gorn out nude skating!"
"If she slips on her front"
"She may bear the brunt"
Of two Green Carpet Moths mating
It's about time I started a round I'm getting fed-up just drawing lines for other people.
"Frère Jacques" will do - nice sound.
"Sur le pont d'Avignon"
Si vous dirai-je mamman
Tut, tut. Our French is not good, I'll be bound!
There once was a frozen lake [previous limerick] it's not bad, and I'd know. I see bad French all the time - generally in my own notes. sigh.
Whose ice would many a maid take
The maids were not found (not aimed at anyone in particular, but players unsure of the best rhythm for a limerick might find this useful. (Rhymes are, luckily, more intuitive).
Actually, this page is a bit more user-friendly.
Above the cold ground
Sorry, it doesn't quite scan, so how about this, which keeps the original as much as poss -

There once was a large frozen lake
Whose ice would many maids take
The maids were not found
Above the cold ground
But below, astride the giant hake!

Huzzah! for brave snorgle; how quick!
She loves to display her new trick.
She scans like a dream
Just a pity the rest are so thick.
The man who came to fix my door [p,D,P,MD,B] Best for a while - the metric feet are dancing!
Left a ruddy great hole in the floor 'Twas on the Monday morning
His extremely large tool
He had placed in my stool ouch!
I'm still not quite sure what it's for.
The Alpha lost his Iota
Which took him beneath his set quota
The Beta protested
So the Gamma arrested
The Alpha for breaking the rota.
A Thesaurus is a very strange book
It won't help you garden or cook
Though Roget's compiling
often helps me when filing is no-one gonna complain about dodgy lines for a while then?
But it's no use to Peregrin Took
*grumble grumble*
Look at me! I can perfectly scan!
That he said as he shat in the fan!
Scatologically
There's an appology
For mistaking the fan for the pan. Honestly, I despair, sometimes!
Poor Kim's on the verge of despair
But truthfully, folks. Do you care?
For the world's never right
Full of envy and spite
And people with egg in their hair.
Let's all go and verb some new words!
And devariate a few herds
I've started to battle
With glaive and atlatl
I've joined the neologian nerds!
hmm - didn't actually intend to press the 'submit' button, but it's done now ... serves me right for multi-tasking
"I'm surrounded by fools!" I cried this is 100% true.
And, quite shortly after, I died
It just serves me right
For talking such shite
Now Hell's jaws, for my soul, open wide.
There was a young fellow from Barrow (Chalky) Wot - you got a cuppa tea there 'n' all.
Who grew a remarkable marrow
He took it to fair
But it could not compare
With Sid's prize-winning tap-dancing sparrow. [Rosie - yeah ... and the rest]
My job at the City Sperm Bank,....I'm very impressed by above sparrow-limerick, well done!
Makes use of a very large crank
When turned, it produces
A wide range of juices
And all for the price of a spank!
Fantastic!
When's the best time to eat bread?
While bathing or when you're in bed?
.. and as toast or just slices?
With jam or fried mices?
try rats and you'll just end up dead!
Clam up or start spilling the beans?
I'm sure you all know what that means!
Foul-spoken slang
with a south London twang I don't even need to try.
Is polite banter in Milton Keynes.
I live for the taste of curried beans
That just doesn't scan right, does it? How about...
I live for the hot taste of beans
Dripped over the neighbourhood queens
or bronx, brooklyn, staten
An' I'm estimatin'
oi u can't go around changing the start line! Where's the challange in that? I shall now sulk for the next 40 nights...........
[widey] We've only got one nights.
[SM] "One nights"?
Darren] ...and one Simons too.
widey - it didn't scan! And Simons - does that rhyme? Bah, I'm turning into Rosie!
The beans were produced by Peek Freans.
Today is the day that the bears... (unfinished sentence alert).
...will go hibernating downstairs, (do polar-bears hibernate?)
So lock up your fridge
To a nearby bridge
so as not to get court unawares [Marc] Of cause they don't, don't be silly, they do there best hunting in the dark, how else can they creep up on the Penguins?
With no more than a piece of elastic, [Puckoon] CAUGHT CAUGHT CAUGHT CAUGHT CAUGHT. Spleen vented; sorry.
I essayed a, épaulement fantastic
That's I essayed an épaulement fantastic
it delighted the crowds [everyone] STOP ARGUING! there's only one nights.
who hoisted their shrouds nights] What happened to the other one thousand then? More downsizing?
They don't know my hip's made of plastic.
I pulled, and I grunted, and groaned
And forgot my bold tags as well :-(
I tugged and I panted and moaned
But still I could not
shift Stonehenge one jot (snorgle) You'll need to acquire, ahem, certain features. But I'm sure you knew that anyway. :-)
So it's off to the Tor to get stoned
I essay a stunning jetée
(zhet-ay)
Followed through with a graceful plié (plee-ay)
But my battement tendu
Was pas bien comprendu
And everyone's calling me gay! boom-boom
When alone, with my "great" plans
I call in my legion of fans
They bow down before me
And all call me Normy
Disturbingly, most drive white vans.
On a recent visit to Devon
I refuelled at a small 7-11
I misread the sign
For the A339
and I'm now on the A327 help!
Be careful, be wary, be wise!
For all that they tell you is lies!
but I don't believe it
not one little bit
but they will ask, "Who ate all the pies?"
Oscar Wilde was a very great wit,
but others just think he was shit,
some like him a bit,
some call him a hit,
and others would cover him with grit.
Showing off I know but what the heck...
Now, Oscar, he's gone off to glory
That might be the end of his story
For those with such pride
(And Lions to hide)
the rest, I'm afraid, is too gory.
I'm looking out of my window
O'er the hillocks of blustery Findo
I must wear a hat
Made out of a cat
Or stay in and play my Nintindo.
"Pathetic!" I heard a man shout
"And you call yourself a Boy Scout?!"
"When in the BB" oblig. (BB is short for Boys' Brigade)
"It's apparent to me"
"You must NOT let your Troop be wiped out!"
Fall in!
He shouted "You 'orrible lot!"
"What a shower of shit that I've got!"
Shoulders back, stand up straight
And hold out your plate!
And eat it all up while it's hot.
The trouble with riding a horse
In traffic and not on a course!
Is unknown to me
However, I flee
In case it gives grounds for divorce.
I'm back in the saddle once more
not minding that it mkaes me sore
If I grip with my thighs
I get quite a surprise [pen'll know what I mean :-b]
For I've found an old apple core
A duck à l'orange, if you please!
And to follow, the board a la cheese!
And then, ice de cream
(I'll pass on the bream)
Try 'a runner' but lose my car keys.
I once saw a duck mount a moose
Perhaps she thought it was a goose
This sexual perversion
And cervine coercion
Demolished a Norwegian Spruce.
You can't fit a moose in your mouth
Unlike ungulates of the Deep South
Over in the East
Raw elk is a feast
but they still prefer haggis in Louth
Those sirens are driving me mad!
'Snot as if I've been really that bad...
If I give in to the law [Puckoon] Louth is my home town... I'll grant you a temporary poetic licence for that blatant untruth.
They'll sound them much more
And at our drowning we'll be glad using poetic license to switch between two meanings of sirens
'Tis the season of snow and good cheer
Though there ain't much of that around here
White stuff's not falling
I think that's appalling
"Oh shut-up and drink up your beer." -
So, only six months until Summer! Woo-hoo!
It's less than the wait for a plumber
But slightly more wet
There's much winter yet
Don't remind me, it is such a bummer
So is it a foot or an inch?
You'll see if you give it a pinch
I can tell by the scale
Because I'm a male
You need a ten horsepower winch.
So much for my expectations!
[Chalky] haven't you forgotten something?
Chalky - So much for my expectations!
The Wichita Lineman - T'is the season of good will to all nations (repair over)
In short supply
*confused* - thought I posted the first line to a limerick?
Well that's what it looked like on my browser :-S
And who is the Witchita Lineman?
This is all getting very confusing. The Witchita Lineman is probably attributable to Glen Campbell who is a particularly good example of the dreadful American "country music" genre.

So, shall we try again, and hope Chalky's browser has been de-bugged.

Chalky - So much for my expectations!
Software - I was expecting congratulations

Oh Lordy - woss goin' on?
SW - I like American country music, OK? :-)
Anyway, I'm going to start the Limerick again whilst waiting for the Witchita Lineman to reveal him/her self ..
Chalky - So much for my expectations!
I fear that all these castrations
Will hamper my search
For a ball-bearing perch blimey!
oh hell... forget the bold 'blimey'
And my hopes of infant relations. [Chalks], Oh, so you're the one ;-)
Well, that was all rather confusing
Is it HTML we're abusing? (comment test)
Looks like a </b> tag has gorn astray somewhere. I can't fix it from here unfortunately, as I fall foul of the Bad HTML detector
Ah, found it. There's a </b tag at the end of the "horsepower winch" move above.
Internet abuse
Such spurious code
Was that AXI's move? Maybe it was, so:

Uncle Korky - Well, that was all rather confusing
Projoy - Is it HTML we're abusing?
AXI - Internet abuse
Software - Is strictly no use

If the good guys always end up losing.
"Go away", I explode in my fury
Going nuclear like old Marie Curie
and do not come back
'Til you've found me that hack
That knobbled the judge and the jury.
"Stand back! It's a rabid mince pie!"
"One scratch from its fangs and you'll die!"
Though it's crust looks quite tasty
My decision was hasty
And now up in heaven I sigh. .. hmm .. bit wobbly on the tenses, that one.
Impartial advice is quite rare
And even then, to be fair
I seldom take heed
Carpe Diem's my creed
I just do what I want with my hair
Eating beans and fly fishing with Hartley
At a village in Wiltshire called Startley
I caused quite a stir
'cos I mimicked the burr
So the trout leapt and slapped my face smartly.
PLastic surg'ry to lengthen my spine
They said silicone implants were fine
But my facelift went "phutt"
Any now looks like my butt
Any --> And
Which is great! So I've no need to whine.
[SW] Do we really need all these hyperlinks?
Chalky - Buff up your German and write
'My German is shiny and bright!' - That's what you meant, isn't it, Chalky?
Then give him a roast
After that, you can boast: unfini...
'It's bangers and mash nächster zeit'
'My Bach is müch worse than my bite'. [alternative and much better ending - serves me right for getting distracted by that minx penelope when we're supposed to be hard at work. Anyway - apologies for hogging the game - over to you lot ...
A present is under the tree
I really hope it's for me
It's a very strange shape
and all are agape (Chalky) But is it verse zen your Cherman Bight?
So I'll open it and we will all see.
"..and so, in summation", he said,
"As thrilled as I am with this... head,"
"The other missing bits..."
(toes, teeth and tits)
"Will shortly mean I'll end up dead."
In a fight with the monster King Kong,
I realised something was wrong
For a start, he was tiny
and his nose it was shiny
And he emitted a terrible pong!
While paying for something by Visa
I was heckled by old Ebenezer
"Bah, humbug!" he cried
"I don't care who's died, This quote left deliberately open
cos I am a grumpy old geezer!" - this quote deliberately closed :D
I can't see the wood for the trees
And I can't see the pod for the peas
or the grass for the blades
Or my feet for the shades
I've got an oc-u-lar disease!
Prepare for the onslaught, my friend!
With pistols at dawn, make amend!
The revolution is here
Our aim? It's not clear
Oh just how will it all end.
With a bang, not a whimper, I fear!
That's how Iraq will end the old year
But not every place
With a US army base
will necessarily cheer.
And so, Merry Christmas to all!
I hope that you all had a ball
And all those at work
For whom it must irk
To be 24/7 on call.
So 2004's nearly done
I just wish it had been much more fun
In 2005
I will not deprive
The world of my second-best pun. oh yes - it's a killer ...
Happy New Year, to one and to all
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