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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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In the middle they will fiddle (not to rhyme with fiddle!)
Hey, diddle, diddle
At the end, they will shout 'Hello!'.... 'Hello!'
Clear the decks, light the lights, walk the plank
Load the guns, hoist the sails, get a spank
Shout "hello sailor"
To the next passing whaler
Then unload in next port at the sperm bank? (ever heard of sperm whales?)
There once was a whaler from Wales,
Who told many sea-faring tales
About living on blubber
and dressing in rubber (Marc) Ever heard of scansion?
While chopping the tails of the whales [Rosie] maybe we all need a lecture?
There once grew a Rose in this garden
Which, treated too roughly, would harden
With thorns thick and sharp
And a tough pericarp
He'd prickle, till you begged his pardon
The strange things which float in a bath
Do somtimes, make me giggle and laugh
Like my pink rubber duck
And the layer of muck
Simple tracks ‘long our primrose path
The snow is all turning to slush
And spring is approaching, with rush
Now the pollen count soars
And those pro-Winter bores :P
Will shut up and give us some hush!
While making a nice cup of tea Must be getting old. (Projoy) Too right! On uk.sci.weather (a newsgroup) you can almost hear the sound of toys being thrown out of prams when the snow melts, or doesn't arrive in the first place. :-(
I reached for the 'oil' to my knee
Which, swollen and red,
Suppurated and bled
So I ’oiled’ the inside of me! Tea and rum is a great lubri-hic’-ant!
There once was a Limerick forger
Who tried to rhyme "Lucretia Borgia"
The result, he found
Will forever astound
The folk of Atlanta Georgia
When directing traffic, beware
Try connecting me with, a prayer
John Sellar once said, challenge excepted
No traffic in bed!
Cause it's naughty directing it there!
The lies I have told in my time
In pursuit of an end so sublime
That I now laugh and gloat
And endlessly quote
How I bought Microsoft for a dime
There once was a horny old moose, Good (monday)morning all!
Who'd do anything, just for a goose
but his quests for a duck...
met with naught but a cluck
From a rather alarmed plat-y-pus.
nice one :-)
Today I am going to try
To greet everyone with a lie
It'll be such a whopper
You won’t see it’s improper
It's "My, you look nice, oh my my!"
I have just seen a long Chinese play
It lasted three weeks and a day
Now my bum is so sore
but I slept through one third
bugger siml-posts strikes again...
I really should have wore
Pink knickers and my fat butt toupee? what do I know, I wasn’t even there!
There once was a Chinese Chinese, (may one use the same word as adjective and as a noun?? Confucius would approve I’m sure!)
Who consumed chinese fleas with his peas
Which was fiendish, because
just by sweeping the floors
He filled up his spring rolls with ease.
There once was a strange type of fly
Which zipped down from shoulder to thigh
Revealing a torso
With no front, nor verso (sorry for the crappy rhyming)
a very strange insect, by and by. Naff I know but so what...
King Klaus can reclaim his old crown
and he did with a scowl and a frown
Unlike ol' King cole
Who just toyed wiyth his bowl
And enjoyed a good party in town!
Begorrah, 'tis St. Paddy's day! No offence to the Irish intended
(My apologies for the cli-shay)
There'll be drinking of Guinness Might as well kepp it going :)
There’ll be puking and illness (sorry!)
And a hangover for all of next day.
It's David's Day down here in Wales Really.
I bought my calendar, cheap in the sales
And I'm flying my flag
Lest my fervour should sag
I’ll fix it firm with a couple of nails? Ymddiheurwn am unrhyw anghyfleustra y mae hyn yn ei achosi.
She shivered when his hand touched her knee
Then recovered and quoted her fee
Which was four sticks of rock
and an old carriage clock
Three badgers and twenty-five pee
While whisking up Angel Delight (Marc) Ardderchog yw hwnna (Excellent, that). Phrasebook?
I gave all the angels a fright
By souring the mix
With two pheasant chicks [eeuw!]
And all had to take the next flight. [Rosie] No phrasebook, pure chance! (http://www.llgc.org.uk/)
There once was a chaste girl who said:
" I want to be chased into bed"
"Then chased up the aisle"
"(But chased with some style)"
"And, if not, chased with ardour instead"
A man's got to do, what his woman says,
Let's replay that in the correct rhythm as it's a first line ..
a'mouse - A man does what his woman says
Chalky - When his heart and his loins are ablaze
A man's got to do, what his woman says, ...please take it from here again, thx...
Whenever his heart and, his loins are ablaze
It cuts down on trouble
But leaves behind stubble [anonymouse/Chalky] I think the line does scan if you treat "woman says" as a feminine rhyme ("A man's got to do what his woman says", rather after the manner of "A marvellous bird is the pelican.
But it does mean players have to find something to rhyme with "woman says", which is arguably a bit of a mean challenge to set... as there aren't many rhymes for "woman" or "says".
anonymouse - if I'd wanted to post an 11- syllable line in a Limerick I would have done so and stretched even beyond sonnet metre. If you're offended then I apologise - helpful limer-rhythm hints have long been a feature of these games ... honest!
And then he will need a sharp raze -or
In order to drive out the blues
Lets order a vodka and juice We all must allow for the rule of 'cy pres'! (alternative ending on previous masterpieace, mening we must try doing our best, also pacing our fellow poets
I'll start again then .. and I promise to do my very very best
Chalky - It's high time you all went to see
The next pub, all drinks are on me! Sorry, my keyboard made an unexpected move ;-). My comment should have read: previous masterpeace (sic!), meaning we must all try doing our best, including pacing
For the barmaid's tattoos unfini...
Show two jugs full of booze
And she'll let you taste them for free!
In order to drive out the blues re-entering...
Let's order a Vodka and juice
four pints of Old Scrotum,
one shot antidotum
Nothing but sobriety to lose
Napoleon said to his men
”Don’t march like a newly screwed hen!” (sorry, maybe my translation is not exact...?)
"You must march upright"
"And only at night"
"And cluck when I tell you when."
Who my new doctor is, I don't know,
But nonetheless I'll boldly show
Where my problems lie Or should that be 'how'?
Whether low or high
For its either my eye or my toe
Subtract the first number you thought of
And you will get zero, or sort of
Then add what is left
With algebra deft
This defeats your average plus-four toff.
The youth of the heart, and the dew
Has left my back wet, déjà vu? Hi Projoy, nice line! http://sniff.numachi.com/~rickheit/dtrad/pages/tiYOUTHART.html
And old age shall dry
The spit on my thigh The orange gore-tex please...
As maturity changes one's view
Collating statistical data
Concerning spontaneous stigmata
Is what I do best
Dressed in just pants and vest Beg pardon. I've used the line before, but it's a favourite.
And my fee is just barely pro rata
In day-glo bikini and shoes Warnings against drinking Lucozade at this time in the morning
Mrs Thatcher began to peruse Sorry, couldn't resist it
A bazaar in Bangcock
where she had the key for a lock
To unleash a large herd of gnus
Ted Heath was renowned for his views
To express which he'd never refuse
Took no sinecure up
with his keenness on Europe (Projoy) Is this what you were looking for? Happy to oblige. :-)
And that is the end of the news.
one bright Sunday morning in May
I heard Edward Heath try to say
"Oi! Get off my face!" [Rosie] Yes, much obliged to you. :)
"I'm trying to race!"
“Before you find out that I’m gay!”
An MP once said to his wife:
"I will not do 'This Is Your Life'!
But next day in the Sun
On page number 1
"My childhood was rough" claims were rife
Is hist'ry repeating itself?
By getting all news off the shelf ?
Again and again?
it all seems the same!
All gone is our News Fairy Elf? (... if she ever existed?)
There once was a virgin in Brest
Whose secret was hid 'neath a vest
She never removed it
But there was s surfeit
Of hair, so she covered her chest.
I met with a man in a tent
In the garden of England, or Kent
But the Medway's in spate
And he may become late (As in, "the late Arthur Dent".)
Cause I noticed his wiener was bent
I’m sure that I’ve lived once before
For circa ten years and three score
t'was the life of a monk
To such depths had I sunk
-- Reincarnation is really a bore!
My brain is beginning to hurt
As soon as I look up a skirt
While I lie on the floor
'cos from there you see more
I'm the most extreme kind of flirt.
Can I get fifty kilos of cheese?
In my handbag? I can if I squeeze
Add twelve boxes of wine ...party time?
A large 'Party' sign ... oh yes!
And thus make a trap for John Cleese
Go on - do your funniest walk!
The one where you make like a stork
And bring in a baby.
Or make one? (well, maybe....)
or is it no action and all talk!.
Don't ply me with gifts and strong drink!
They impede my ability to think!
That I’m witty and wise!
And I have slender thighs
And alcohol makes my breath stink.
We're one hour late and we’re free!
We defected from old B.S.T
Now the evenings are lighter [pen] GMT, shurely?
And our future seems brighter
So why can't we stick with C.E.T?
When something just doesn't make sense
It's best not to get too intense
Say "La la, don't care!"
Or say a li’l prayer?
It's much better to sit on the fence.
Few things leave me sadder than this:
It's too long since I last had a kiss :o(
and it's not halitosis Perish the thought!
Or unflattering clotheses
I guess Cupid's arrow did miss.
A miss is as good as a mile
A wink is as good as a smile
But a mink is as good
As a corduroy hood
And far more elegant in style.
There once was a miss dressed in mink
Beneath, she wore lingerie, pink
. She wore sandals of teak
On her face, a false beak
And a carrot where no-one would think!
There once was a parrot named Jack (Good line Uncle!)
And the toughest of nuts he would crack
But he swore like a trooper or schoolgirls on the top of a bus
, was a real party pooper
And was rough with the chicks in the sack.
Beware, cause soon it’s April fools day
And tricks upon you they will play
Putting salt in your tea
Playing reverse MC
And telling your mother you're gay
Not that I'm planning anything...
Its fun to get back at your mate
And set him up with a blind date
Who is genuinely blind
And hopefully don’t mind
Going halves on whatever you ate
I sense that I came here before
And hope you forgive and ignore
My latest faux pas
When I called your mama
A nag and quite frankly, a bore
There once was a fellow called Eric
A really exceptional cleric
He had just one vice
He was frightened by mice
So he ate them and that is barbaric ! (says anony-mouse!)
A ravishing woman in need
Is something to treasure indeed
But no mere hussy
Would ere be so fussy
'bout choosing with whom she should breed! Coat!!!
A secret held by Michael Grade
A drink that makes old maidens laid: http://www.expressmedia.co.uk/malcrfl/grade.htm
Try with Baileys, it works
And one of the perks
Is you're paid if you sprayed when she's splayed
I have time for the old BBC
And, yet, it has no time for me
Disillusioned by Hutton,
I'll push the 'OFF' button,
and then explode in a fit of joy and glee!!
The great thing about Channel 4
Is you know that you've seen it before And now on Channel Four...Friends....
This is Global, you know! ... not only Channel 4, also Chanel 5!
And our favourite show
Will be screened several times more
When sick, ill or poorly, one should
Get hold of a quarter, one could?
Whatever that means
In hot fever dreams
Be a fraction more to the good
When faced with a barrage of lies
And attempts to pull wool o'er my eyes
I'll start screaming, in Welsh
And then loudly belch
"Mae hi wedi cachi arna i"s!"
The languages spoken in Wales
, As one pulls from ones eyes certain scales,
Seem quite out of tune
With 'Au Clair de la Lune
Though singing when telling Welch tales
His name was Llywelyn the Last
And he spoke in Welsh - very fast
His demise, it was gory
But it made a great story
With choruses sung by the cast.
His last name, 'tis true, was Llewellyn
He was known as a renegade felon
'though Polish by birth
he lived on Welsh earth
Ball kicking, but loves honey melon (o)(o) ! Gareth or Chris Llewellyn?
She played with his balls every night ...new ball game...?
Even tho' her interest was slight
But she found that the perks
Of sleeping with berks
Made playing with balls quite all right.
The sock hops I hold in my shed
Has made all my neighbours see red
There's blood up the walls
and stains on my balls!
Next time I will make them co-ed
He was told by his dear Uncle Andy:
"My boy, I am feeling quite randy"
He ran off with a cry
When I bit his thigh
Cause he feared I was after his candy.
In search of a drink alcoholic
To make my pet terrapin frolic
I chancéd upon
Spiked tea from Ceylon
For which all claims are quite hyperbolic. Worth a try, though, I'm sure. :-) (Chalky) V. classy!
These stories are utterly false
I’ve heard from the rear of the horse false rhyme warning!
They're a load of manure (Marc) Yeah, difficult, but there is a rhyme for "false", which I'm saving for line 5, unless someone else gets there first.
And their rhythm unsure though somewhat dancing, Rosie?
It sounds like a hesitant waltz.
The night-clubs of old Budapest (anonymouse, Darren) through which flows the Blue Danube, of course.:-)
Won't let anyone in in a vest
The dress code's so strict
And guests are handpicked
But once in, you can then get undressed.
The most famous thing about York (that last one was great!)
Was his monstrous penchant for 'pork' (Prince Andrew, Duke of York, and whichever form of pork you fancy)
But he fell on his sword
Whene'er he was bored
And then stabbed his fat rear with a fork
One morning they'd breakfast in bed,
The next they would play being dead
On the third, they'd be silly
By smearing hot chili
all over, including his head. Hot stuff!
There once was a woman who wrote:
"You can't beat good sex with a goat.
"The foreplay's not great,
But the horn is first rate
(Hang on while I go get my coat)
although there were a few inviting alternative rhymes if anyone wants to take another shot at that line...
A dancer named Lionel Blair
Had a secret and torrid affair
With Samantha and Sven
And Bills randy Ben
It broke up 'cos they wouldn't share
There once was a dwarf named Bertie
Whose thoughts was not great, mere dirty
His grammar was poor
His mind so impure ;-)
Girls puked when he tried to get flirty
I've found, by experimenting
That good beer is made by fermenting
hops and pork chops,
Old, used heads of mops
but I did work for Watneys. (Repenting).
Barkeep! A pint of Red Barrel! [T,K,T,s,R] Excellent.
For my hot new date, Colin Farrell! ;o)
Make that four pints for me, ...it's monday morn...
(That'll sure make me wee!)
And some waterproof under-apparel
Would my underwear put out a fire?
Said Marion to Tuck, the Gray Friar,
My incontinence pants
Are alive with red ants
And held up with telephone wire
A Telephone Line...
Whilst sitting in a nest of red ants
He hoped she would take off her pants
But her circumspection
Killed off his erection
And put paid to to her hopes for infants
Bravo all above!
An odd-looking cowgirl named Wendy
Had legs that wer 'specially bendy (don't fight it)
Astride a large horse
She performed intercourse
With a cowboy undressed very trendy.
There once was a horse in the nude
Who lived in a field near to Bude
He frolicked all day
In a meadow of hay
Tap dancing all day in good mood. ( "In the Mood"? http://www.budejazzfestival.co.uk/ )
The stompers are grouping in Bude,
The stompers are grouping in Bude,..sorry, my mind was already there...
The things they are doing are lewd
with a muted trombone
and an old mobile 'phone
It's a wonder they've never been sued
I’m off for vacation today
Meaning all of you should say 'Hooray'
Cause we’re free to work hard
With little regard ... just who is writing this lim now? you? me? all of you? we? they?
For what pointy-haired bosses might say.
I've just had a bitch of a day (I'm sorry, but I really have....)
So please, someone, lead me astray
I yearn to be kinky
SLip into something slinky
and bang away on my Bishop, okay!!.
The Bishop looked down and then said:
Just what is that lying in my bed?
The actress replied
"It can't be denied,"
"Now put your mitre back onto your head."
”Your Holiness this is too much!" ...interesting subject...?
"I'm trying to watch Starsky & Hutch"
"Your bishop, you bash it"
"It's mine, it's an asset!"
"Just keep it away from my crutch!"
He raised his finger and said
"This digit is made out of bread"
"If you're sceptical, suck it"
I did, then threw up in a bucket
And that's how I ended up dead. Obligatory really!
She greased him in balm of Gilead
Then nibbled his earlobes indeed
But the cedars of Lebanon "eed"?
Rose 'round them both,(skip beat) tall and strong "But the cedars of Lebanon" ?
To climb them would need all the will 'e 'ad It rhymes. It scans, more or less.
One reason for hiding in cedars
Seems to have escaped Guardian readers ... well rescued Rosie
But the Times' editorial Inviting obvious rhyme
Is more lavatorial hook, line & sinker
With paper so soft, quoting our leaders. ..imagine Tony Blair on the loo…
As a limerick line this isn't particularly good
But who says it has to scan all the time Dude
There once was a sweet little nun Sorry st dog, trying at the best of my ability. What about you?
Gorged herself on a HUGE sticky bun i am just trying, marc.
Her wimple exploded
Her corsets eroded
For penance, ten thousand "Hail Mary's", now run.
This flattery might turn my head
Keep on and my face will turn red ...from choking?
I'd rather you went
To a Chinaman's tent
And screw up all the sheets in his bed Turning heads and screwing, ...it’s not Friday yet!
Last year was the year of the whores ...as the Chinaman said...
I can tell you, that opened some doors
Of brothels, mayhap?
(For some lucky chap)
Who tasted temptation live ne'er before
There once was a girl in Hong Kong
Who rode on her (w)horse all night long ..obligatory...?
When daytime would break,
Her backside would ache
Because she'd been riding all wrong.
What sort of riding was she doing? ...coat time I think...
What sort of verse are you pursuing?
It's not quite a limerick
Never mind, we'll give it a lick
And know good writing we're eschewing.
Cheese is nice but it can smell quite bad....
Like the Black-Belted Stilton I once had…
It walked to my plate
Its blue eyes filled with hate
And said, "You're a terrible cad."
A penguin can make a good pet
Except that it won't see the vet
Appetite voracious Cost you a bomb in fish.
Oh yes, goodness gracious
The shit will cause trouble you bet!
Her penguin loved drinks ‘on the rocks’
And quaffed them, in slippers and socks
He liked, more than most,
Champagne, and would toast
Antarctica! a land he now mocks.
There once was a Boxer named Stu
Who’d swept many floors, quite a few
He polished and scrubbed
So much, he was dubbed
And then swept ‘cross the floor by Baloo http://www.njboxinghof.org/cgi-bin/henryseehof.pl?73
there once was a mailbox quite red
Its owner was someone who said:
"Penny stamps cost a pound,"
"there's inflation around,"
I'll just send an email instead
Sorry! :(
Once a copper with a huge scabby nose
Danced the Tango with a lass with no clothes
Said the lass to the copper,
Treat me nice... but improper,
And I'll lend you my best pantie-hose.
Is it proper to finish and start?
Is it right to set fire to a fart?
Done both in my time
But now, in my prime,
I'll just sit and tuck into this tart
This tart tastes awful you know.
But it's good enough in a face to throw....?
It's messed up my grammar
P-plays havoc w-with my st-stammer
And makes terrible rumblings below.
Give me ALL of your chocolate cake
Or I'll poke out your eyes with this stake
It may sound extreme
That I love cake and cream
And use violence to get what I take.
The charm of the Icelandic sagas
are great but they drive me Banana's
Think of Noggin the Nog
Or Hoggin the Hog? (never ‘eard of ‘im though)
While you sit eating cod round your agas
Widey... 'Bananas' to rhyme with 'Sagas'??? AND witha greengrocer's apostrophe? Come ON!! And Bigsmith - if you ain't heard of it and had to invent it, why put it in? There was lots of opportunity for a realistic and genuine rhyme there. Pffft. It's obvious I have Quality Issues but I'll get off my high horse now. By the way - did you know the Icelandic grow their own bananas and mangos in glasshouses on the SW coast, heated by geothermal springs?
Wha'd'I do?!
She teasingly said with a smile: hi penelope and thanks, 'making waves' will hopefully help us all lifting ourselves to a higher level (if possible ;-)
"What you're doing is utterly vile" I think Penelope meant to chide Marc rather than Bigsmith. However, "bananas" (correctly punctuated) is in my opinion a perfect rhyme for both "sagas" and "agas", unless you're American.
"Please put it away"
"Without further delay"
"For its size, it just isn't worthwhile!"
A Lim'rick without any chat
Is better than chewing the fat
But the temptation's there [pen] So that's just one greengrocer then... Apostrophes aren't easy to use flippantly!
To leave the line bare [Tuj] I don't like to prostitute myself around several greengrocers, doncha know!!
But everyone frowns upon that [pen] Come and see how the other half live our lives...
Whilst waiting for water to boil,
after a very long day of toil
We just sit by the fire
Planning soon to retire
To a bath with some lavender oil.
It is better not to discuss
The state of Anne Widdecombe's truss
or John Prescott's pants
or Tony Blair's stance
Or the route of the 43 bus.
'Tis thrice thrice thrice thrice thirty days
Since I last made her eyes go all glazed
When I put the pear
In the orifice where
There's a gap in the midst of her stays
When I go digging in the road
If lucky, sometimes I find a toad (?)
Who teaches me scansion
and limerick tension
But rhyme is too hard to be know'd.
The story of the Piltdown Man
Is hidden unknown in this flan
Just one tiny bite
Turned out to be right
The fact he had no pension plan
”Some day I’ll return!”, said his wife
Said he: "Yeah! Not on your life!"
"You're only an ant"
And your humour is scant
and your farts I could cut with a knife.
There once was a man from East Fife (wife, knife and life all barred)
Where strange prohibitions are rife
But some are allowed!
Like Flogging a crowd??
And banning three words in our strife???
There once was a man in Key West
Who wore a spectacular vest
Sort of bloomy with flowers
arbours and bowers How's the toothy-peg, Rosie?
Which, unwashed, did not smell the best.
There once was a hole in the ground (e.g. http://pineapple.homestead.com/Musa.html)
From which came an unspeakable sound
It sounded a bit
Simulposted, rats. You have just been saved from It went "grbthlkqtrrkpsqwlm"
Like "grbthlkqtrrkpsqwlm", and it
Was uttered with menace profound. ... scary stuff
Chalky - once had to witness the birth
buggeration .... I'll start again
Chalky - I once had to witness the birth
Of triplets from a mum full of mirth!
she pushed and she squirmed
And grimaced and gurned
and she now has a much smaller girth. As one does.
Giving birth is a hard way to diet
as not many mums are compliant
Though they foreplay a lot…..
Shelling a tot
Then eat as to feed a huge Giant hm... I’ll make no remarks, I’ll keep quiet!
There once was a man with a bike,
Who managed the Penge Spud-U-Like
He'd deliver hot tatties
Turn clients into fatties
'Til all of them looked quite alike
I once went to play with an eel
but mistook it for a bull seal
I threw a big ball
on the eel it did fall
Then bounced to the seal – No big deal?
There once was a girl who could drive
The third green using wood number five
But when she started putting
Her partner was tutting
It's a wonder that he's still alive!
I've just spent a cool thousand quid
On a barrel of rum-flavoured squid
It tastes quite disgusting
Last time I'll be trusting
That cockney-ish twat next door, Sid!
There's a man down our way who sells beer
Just walked of the end of a Pier
You have one – then pee three
Go swim before tea [ZK - last line above ....fab!]
And know that your drowning is near.
”Keep swimmin’”, she said to her child
. "I'll teach you to git yer Mum riled!"
But the kid replied "Pish!"
"I'll do what I wish"
“Like you, at my age, running wild!”
“What’s that standing up?” said the Blonde,
As she dangled her toes in the pond
"It looks very silly"
As she kicked at a lily
”The bloomers I gave you, James Bond!” You never know the imaginative logics by Blondes…
A virgin once stood on a hill http://www.crystalinks.com/glastonburytor.html
And pranced naked by moonlight until
The dew-dampened grass
Saw this come to pass:
She lost what she had, with great thrill ....and now it's all gone!
A virgin once said to her mother:
I wish that I had a big brother
Because he could beat
A Bach fugue with his feet
Whilst I try to whistle another
I've been at the coconut oil Almost made a very embarrassing typo!
It sootheth my skin and my boil
But my palms and my soles
Are as red as hot coals
Since from the oil they didst recoil
Chalky - Have courage! Be brave and stay strong
You won't be stuck here for too long
There's a train on the way
Will arrive end of May
Singing the Thomas the Tank Engine song!
Screwing the last screw on the plaque
Fasten it better than using tack
The brass bits will shine
If rubbed with red wine
, fresh garlic and damp bladderwrack. *phew*
Take notice of what teachers teach
However, when old preachers preach
You can blithely ignore
Leaning back (please don’t snore!)
On your own private pew made of beech.
I've been stuck in here for a week
With a Spangle stuck to my cheek.... to those too yound to remember Spangles were boiled sweets.
It's beginning to burn - I remember them being chewy...
Both afront and astern
And my hormones are starting to leak. Spangles? Boiled fruit sweet, surely?
Opal Fruits, Sharp's Toffees and Spangles
Flared trousers, the Beatles, and bangles
Are things I keep hid
When I was a kid (oblig)
We never had such – we'd chew rubbles
She said underneath she was nude
I said, "Don't tell me, I'm a prude!"
But she had the pictures
Which had her in strictures
To see these, lots of men, they had queued.
It's sweet and it's made out of string
But I'm sorry - it's just not my thing
Instead, I use plastic
It's rather fantastic!
Please wait, a new hanger I’ll bring.
She once was so sweet I’ve been told
Which made her quite sticky to hold
The more that I licked,
The more that she kicked
And she bucked and she squirmed and she rolled. Mine's the mac, please.
The day I dug up an old jar
I found I was richer by far
When I rubbed it, a genie
Appeared with a weenie for our U.S. readers
All covered in feathers and tar
“Oh gosh what is this?” said my wife,
My draw-ers with kittens are rife!
“So I’m off to the store,”
To get rid of some more!
I said: "It'd be quicker by knife!" door...
The pride of all London's at stake
All based on a common mistake:
"The Olympics make money"
And "Ben Elton's funny"
And the system of transport will break.
She thought for a while and then said:
"The voices are back in my head."
She then clobbered Marc [who seems to be fixated by 'she']
(It's the ol' monthly lark!) ducks to avoid the Chalkwhip.
And dragged him back home to her bed. ..where she mended his now swollen head!
There once was a nun from Tibet
Who took an old yak to the vet
The prognosis was grim
They castrated him
Though the yak hasn't been seen to yet.
There once was a miss from Montana
Who wore a most striking bandana
Its colour suggested
Her hair was infested
in a most disagreeable manner.
There once was a man with a big
- I'm sorry! I meant to say brig -
that's a goal, to the wise Jail, Goal, Brig, Prison.
First he lives – then he dies(?) ...my summerhouse is called The Brig cause once there lived an old inmate...
My Brig has a two-masted rig. ...how did we navigate to arrive here…?
He sailed ‘round the world with no stop,
in a boat, he bought from a shop?????
However, a leak [widey] Bold text please
And a worrying squeak
Meant the trip, on the whole, was a flop.
Keep it simple, it seems to work well
Said a greybeard who lived in a dell
Just like me and my goat
We’re not rocking the boat
But we're making a terrible smell
The words of this terrible song
Are meaningless, dire, just wrong
If only Jonathon King
The words of this terrible song
Are meaningless, dire, and just wrong
If Jonathon King
carry on...
Had played less with the thing I'm safe saying this with so many police about, eh?
He’d written for leather and thong.
The words of this terrible song
Are meaningless, dire, and wrong
And if Jonathan King
Had played less with his thing
He’d finished it not before long
There once was a Lim’rick Police
Who gave orders to sist and decease
But he came unstuck
His apostrophe
damn - simulpost. After you Darren...
…when hit by a ----(wrooom)--Truck---->
[KH - you were also hit I guess ?]
And the correction brings no real relief.
A frenchman, by name Apostrophe
Had daughters called Fifi and Sophie - assuming he was meant to be "Apostrophe"
Really charming damsels
Loved to kiss their dick-cissels
A sparrow-like bird (Spiza Americana) native to southern Ontario
And a chap by the name of Annan, Kofi
A line of the times
That last one didn't quite work :-) - never mind, tomorrow's another day ...

If questioned, I don't give a damn

What the menu says; just give me spam!
and eggs with fries
and what six fifty buys
Including one pint and a giant Dram. (... Cheers all!)
It seemed as he’d slept in his suite,
He sure wasn't tidy or neat [Marc - did you mean 'suit' I wonder?]
...sure KH, it was that huge Dram causing my keyboard to slip... sorry ;-)
...then maybe you would like to rhyme otherwise?
It seemed as he’d slept in his suit
He sure wasn't tidy nor cute
But somehow he charmed
All those that he harmed
With a whack from his oversized feet / With a jig on his badly tuned flute
P.S. antiknees is ashamed of his unemboldened text. he blames ignorance.
Antiknees is forgiven...
...this time
"Look here" he said, with a grin
as he flashed at the girl in the gym
His camera was bright [antiknees] For help with your bold quest, look here: http://mustela.phyast.pitt.edu/basichtml.html
It's love at first sight
Please watch how I’ve trained my fifth Limb! …he took the next flight to Berlin…?
One night as she played her Violin
Something went "twang" deep within
"It's my G-string!" she thought loadsa rhymes 'ere... take your pick!
"The one I just bought"
"From that flea market back in Berlin."
She was bored, so moved up to a harp
Cause her chin had been formed kind of sharp(...by squeezing the fiddle)
The harp cut it flat
forming a gap!
The blood sounded 'Splat'; And she gasped her new gap like a carp.
There once was a party in Lerwick
With whiskey, beer and grilled Slippery Dick
DAMMIT. Why can't people come up with things that even *approximately* rhyme and scan? I seem to remember that "Lerwick" rhymes with words like "Eric" and "hysteric", not to mention place names like "Berwick". "Slippery Dick" is never going to be a rhyme, not even if you put the stress completely wrongly on the "er" of "slippery".

Sorry about the rant, but I just also read the truly terrible ending by one or two Wideys to the previous one, in which again all scansion, rhyme and sense were completely lost... You can get away with perhaps mildly stretching *one* of rhyme, scansion, sense and stresses on the correct syllable of the word, but not more than that - for instance, you can't ask for the stress on the completely wrong syllable of "slippery" to make a rhyme *and* interpolate an extra syllable into the rhyme (an "-erick" sound with an "-eridick") at the same time, especially not while already having to stress the completely wrong word earlier in the line (in this case the "and"). It just doesn't make sense. Not only is Willie Rushton swirling in his urn, the rest of the ISIHAC team would be doing the same or turning in their graves if they were in fact dead.

Rant ends.

Fiddler - There once was a party in Lerwick and let's try again properly this time...
Where I started to go quite hysteric adding a second line that actually works...
I threw a full glass
erm, I hate to break in here, especially since I completely agree with JLE, but Lerwick is pronounced Ler-wik, not Lerrik. Sorry and all that.
It hit some bird's arse (Watty) Yep, it's Lur-wick. But JLE is dead right. Some of this stuff is truly awful, considering that this site is not a chatroom for spotty herberts. You can't be witty all the time, but at least you can play in tune, so to speak. Nnnnngh!
I had to hide from her quick
Obviously there are as many opinions of what are correct (wittiest or most exact or what?) Limerick rhyme and meter as there are contributors to this marvellous site. Let’s all face this and let us continue to do our very best in our mutual efforts to have fun and to, eventually, create the most perfect Limerick that has ever been seen!
There once was a party in Lerwick
Where things started go quite hysteric
I threw a full glass
It hit some bird's arse
All night then her bottom I’d to lick
Sorry to interrupt your harsh mood but anyway…
...my humble effort to give the 'Lerwick'-one a happy ending is way out of tune!
Let him without wit cast first line, http://www.ajokes.com/jokes/845.html
The lack of wit can be a sign Let's not descend into more scansion wars. The way I see it is, if you're getting annoyed by one game, then just play another instead. That's what I do these days.
of mind now far gone
With a nice butter'd scone ;-) - I'm on the fence about this one. Scansion wars definitely suck, but although there are a lot of opinions about what makes a good limerick, that doesn't mean there is no convergence, and that all conventions can safely be ignored. IMO, a good limerick is a successful interplay between form, coherence and humour - it's not necessary for all to be perfect and sometimes the one or the other takes precedence, but if all three are weak, why bother? And while it's true players can just look the other way for a while if the quality descends below their personal threshold, sometimes that means witty people don't bother to post any more and the enjoyment of the whole community can degrade a bit.
Definitely with Porojoy on this one, as I've often found myself substituting a less witty line for one that remotely scans, or even (horrors!) moving on without posting, which some seem loathe to do. Oh, and Rosie's point on "Spotty Herberts" is superb!
But the nurses all say I'll be fine
The courage to lurk and not post
Is managed quite swift by the most ...the cowards who lurk....?
Disgusting of beasts
(namely Jesuit priests) [Rosie] 'chatroom for spotty herberts' Love it :-)
who fear naught but the Holy Ghost. (Chalky, Tuj) You're very kind. I had thought the term might date me, but it seems to live on. :-)
There once was a world with no oil
No more could farmers till their soil Hi all! You've been very busy this weekend!
With tractors but horses
Applied all their forces
To replace it with all day long toil.
Tomorrow's the Transit of Venus
To miss it would really be heinous
From where I am standing
I can see the branding
A good tan I'll get as a bonus
There once was a girl with no luck
Although she was not short of pluck almost oblig
So she'd stand on the street Where will this lead...?
and the men she did meet
Would find themselves short of a buck.
I'm pressing the button marked "Panic"
Because the last verse was Satanic
They've issued a fatwa
I'll be boiled in a vat. Waah! Not easy, that, Raak.
[Rosie] Poetic necessity, I'm afraid.
Oh, Heavens! It's made me quite manic.
I once knew a lady from China. Help yerselves.
In swearing she trained her Hill Myna
This most vocal bird
Could quote Richard the Third
I've not seen a rendition finer.
Having partaken of a wee tipple. Yep, it's the same ploy as before.
an event that makes barely a ripple So you tell me. :-)
I like to find girls
With cute little curls Really!
Then try to get hold of a free nipple. …shame on you Darren!
There once was a girl, oh so daring!
With dresses much flesh she was baring
Her gossamer thong
To put on, took too long
so certain parts got a good airing.
At school I was most fond of Rugger Yep, still employing the same shameless tactic I'm afraid.
I earnt the nickname of "Tugger" [Thrax] Oh yes indeed!
When deep in the scrum
I'd never be glum
With my nose in the arse of ‘Fart Slugger”.
There once was a snobbish old fart
Who married a stuck-up young tart
But at the reception
her clever deception
convinced them she was all heart.
Some clams, that were quite indiscreet,
Would swap naughty jokes about feet
The toes they'd call smelly
belonged to Grace Kelly
,And Ginger, in "Follow the Fleet".
I felt that I started to wilt
The moment I looked up his kilt Sorry, sorry, sorry. It had to be done.
Beneath, was a mob
And the gay pooftah Bob,
Who'd immersed it, right up to the hilt Coat!
That was worse than I ever feared it would be. Shame on you all.
It came to me, all in a flash
A new way to make mountains of cash
Now my pimp I will call, (simulposted:That Scots, underneath, has a ‘lash’)
He can shove it all
where the Customs men look for his stash. Ouch.
Oh, bugger. Forgot:

A trick you can do for your friends
Involves unbelievable bends
And if properly mastered, I'm gonna force one o' you into an expletive if if it's the last thing I do!
by someone not plastered, Zounds! He would provoke profanity, the boundah.
You never will know how it ends.
There once was a maiden in Ealing
So tall she could head-butt the ceiling.
And thus she would duck, Indeed, Rosie.
And make her back ruck
Till her spine had lost all sense of feeling. Non-obscene limerick achieved!
Each morning, at half past the hour,
I make pancakes from eggs, milk and flour
I give them a toss
thus causing their loss
And till noontime the floors shall i scour.
Well would you believe it, those French
Woke up while we slept on the bench
In just a minute
They managed to win it
But our thirst for revenge we will quench
Hopefully this tournament, not something pathetic like Olympic shooting or somesuch!
Alas two-one down but not out
Of Portugal yet; there's no doubt
As a Swede I am proud! 5-0 against Bulgaria!
But lets hope the crowd
Will behave lest we get flung out!
This "football" of which you all speak
Is to my ears, sad to, say, all Greek.
I know it involves fighting
Kicking butts and some biting
And is likely to go on all week.
A week of Des Lyneham's too much!
but better than soaps out of touch!
But still, we'll ban sport.
Instead we will cavort !
hello?
hi pat
And skip (in your bed?) Double Dutch
Last night as she went to her bed,
Jade Goody thought hard and then said:
"Now, I ain't usually frugal"
"But I sleep with Dougal"
"Whilst Hamish is locked in the shed"
"Insert Strap B into Slot C"
I did, with smiles and with glee
But Tab A fell apart
Now I must restart
From D and I’ll follow plan B.
She’ll sail in a while with the tide, all aboard?
Shipshape, and her crew: Watch their pride!
Its so painful to think
Of the fearful stink
As the crew throw up o'er the side
I must have a triple espresso!
Mocha, latte, frapachino
My caffine is low
(Macchiato to go)
And I’ll have a huge Curacao! http://www.curacaoliqueur.com/pages/recipes.htm
He said, “Well it’s Irish for me”,
As we seem to be hooked on coffee
and strong beer and fags
Are used by old hags
It helps the complexion, you see.
There once was an Angel in Hell, Heavens Devils?
Who calomine lotion did sell
For skin that is burning
, cryogenically yearning
For some sort of Freeze Spray as well.
It seems that all cars sport a flag
Or remains of an old washing rag
They've all got a red cross
But who gives a toss?
The ghost of General Braxton Bragg? Defeated by Grant in the battle of Chattanooga (1817-1876)
There once was a Cho in Chattanooga,
whose favourite confection was nougat. Steam engines can burn anything. :-)
It got all hot and sticky
And looked a little tricky
But it still ran as fast as a cougar.
It always rains for Wimbledon
So ladies keep your wimple on.
It's raining on Centre Court 1
Our great sporting summer's begun!
Still, the Roo did us proud
But screamed very loud
When he that Martina had won
When he HEARD that Martina had won?
There was a young fellow called Rooney
Whose ears were stuck on by a loony
His skull was quite hollow
So when he went to swallow
The head rush made him go quite swoony
Oh, finish my marmalade, please!
I now have a preference for peas
I eat them with honey
Which makes them taste funny Oblig. Sorry Mr Belloc
But don't shoot out my mouth if I sneeze Not oblig. Sorry everyone!
I shall die all alone in my bed
With a postage stamp stuck to my head
Waiting for the Holy Ghost :o)
Who I like the most
But I'll settle for St Peter instead. Backs away waving incense and making sign of the cross, etc, etc...
I’ve run out of my e-mailing stamps,
And who stole my cut-and-paste clamps?
And where's my click wand?
(of which I am fond)
. My Recycle Bin - raided by tramps!
Oh dear, Oh dear, Oh dear
My undies have washed o'er the weir
And now they've got tangled
in a device so new-fangled
that provides endless glasses of beer.
Tim has got through to the quarters
Will there be an opponent he slaughters? ...ever? Nope, do it the hard way please!
Perhaps it's Sir Cliff
(He with the quiff)
And a penchant for railway porters
I have a confession to make
The prospect of which makes me quake What can this be?
I'm really your mother
'Tho I look like your brother
and these 38D's are quite fake.
[C, R, R, S, K] Disturbing. Oh well. Moving quickly on...
Why can't we have kippers for tea?
Freshly plucked direct from the sea?
Paint them brown (BFK) (BFK = Brown For Kippers, a standard colouring ingredient.)
Serve with bread on a tray
Don't hog them - leave plenty for me!
A rumour is going around
That Dubya said something profound
It's just propaganda
But it does make you wonder
If his feet are almost on the ground... Nah...
There once was one Linesman too much,
Who cried when the ball was in touch
The hue that ensued,
Led to language quite rude
Thankfully, spoken in Dutch
Despite having four hours to spare
Before their flight took to the air
They still turned up late
, Got stopped at the gate,
Though no-one really seems to care Mercy!
Once upon a time in the west,
A cowpoke was washing his vest
He used best manure
Which he'd always procure
From The Man With Bullshit On His Chest [a.k.a. Clint Eastwood]
You really must make up your mind
Before I grab at your behind
Or other protrusions
I might leave contusions
You see, I'm not that refined.
A chicken, when lacking a head [C,D,S,R,R] Bravo: one of the best for a while!
Is likely to hop 'til it's dead eeuww but true! [Tuj] thanks :-) they was good wasn't they?
which proves that its brain
while beginning to drain
Is thinking of skipping instead
I'm trying to learn all my lines
Err...prompt!
And in danger of incurring fines
The thespians art
Of stifling a fart Sorrysorrysorry
From the hole out of which the sun shines
"Please fondle my buttocks," he said
"Then slap them with fresh soda bread"
But instead, I grabbed hard
and rubbed them with lard!
And watched as he slid out the bed!
A suitcase contains many things So that's what you all get up to, is it?
Like toilet rolls, butter and springs
But you'd best leave it locked
and not at half cocked!
Just see what the chambermaid brings.
There was a young lass from Jakarta
Took a pint of good gin just to start her Apologies, oblig!
To finish her off
A cocktail Molotov
Was exchanged in a strange kind of barter
We’ve got the weather we deserve, ...we have?
And all because God had the nerve at the risk of stating the bleedin' obvious [altho' nothing surprises me in this game] UNFINISHED SENTENCE ALERT ...'
To take a day off
'Cause He had a bad cough
and leave us with Thor (first reserve).
The first thing you see in Valhalla
Are Vikings dressed up for a Gala
The men in nice frocks
With cross-gartered socks
Think nothing of mimicking Mahler ...taking the second of the 2 rhyming options
There was a great cat called Sylvester
'pon whose skin monstrous boils did fester
This great suppuration
-- viscous, pustuled libation --
Was caused by a visit to Chester.
A big killer whale named George
Whose fav'rite game was Cheddar Gorge
While eating some krill
said "this makes me ill"
'And causes my bowel to engorge' ...assuming whales *have* bowels. Even if they don't, at least I ended the damn thing *pats self on back*
To start with I need to point out
My left foot is swollen with gout
To astonishing size
It might win a prize
- A year's worth of claret and stout. ouch!
A sinister beast is the spider (pen) Ouch indeed. :-)
She's got miles of thick rope coiled inside her
So best to ensnare
little beasts in her lair
Replacing a health care provider
My horny Aunt Heather once said:
I'd rather be single than wed
But don't push your luck
Or a railway truck
Or soon you will wish you were dead
oops -
There was a young man from Okehampton (...back to a more traditional opening)
Who made the front page when he camped on unfinished sentence alert
the M25 Everyone should be alert. The country needs lerts.
by Chalfont St Giles. Mmmm, tough leave Rosie!
with (wait for it) Lucinda Lambton. (Snodders) Can't see the problem. Anything ending in -ive would do.
There once was a man writing verse , . [Rosie] but it had to scan with your short line 3!
All rhymes that he knew were perverse
To the innocent ear
They sounded quite queer
But seemed quite straight-laced in reverse
The mysteries of quantum mechanics (Snodders) Well, it's got 5 sillybubbles, which is about par. Don't want to start a fight, BTW. Yes, I do. :-)
Drove Einstein himself into panics
Cause he knew… but we don’t
That some particles won't
Listen to tunes by the "Manics"
Said Ringo, "I know what to do!"
In addition to counting 'One, Two!'
'These drums I will thrash'
And pocket the cash [Rosie] OK ok, it looked hard anyway!
And read Thomas the Tank Engine too.
Late last night, I lay in my bed
As a nightmare flew over my head
Who will it frighten? Well, grab me by the incubus
I felt myself tighten
'Calm Down Dear' the white haired man said .Everyone a Winner
I hear Nancy is throwing out Sven
They're all just the same. Bloody men!
Their cock's rule their heads!
Just screw – without threads,
They just don't understand us at all, these wo-men.
For breakfast I had two boiled eggs
To steady my long, wobbly legs
Unfortunate-ly [Software - you takin' the p*ss?]
Twenty cups of green tea
have reduced my digestion to dregs. (Chalky) W.S.Gilbert lives!
Whilst list'ning to the Mika-do
My cake mix flopped - needs thicker dough. (Bigsmith) I'll get you for this, you bastard. :-)
So I added some flour
And in just half an hour
My gateau was ready to go.
While practising scales on the 'cello (Snods/Raak) Blimey, that was quick. Have you got your own domestic blast furnace, or something?
In the basement of Bertha's Bordello
Strange sounds from above
One string snapped with a "twang" Great 'cello-playing cartoon on page 13 of this week's Private Eye
Shit - simulposted. Thought that couldn't happen on here. Ignore me.
Of erroneous love
'Twas the music of love (Bigsmith) It always happens when you think you've got a brilliant line, doesn't it?
(Sorry Celare - didn't see you in there - let's have a full recap:)

While practising scales on the 'cello
In the basement of Bertha's Bordello
Strange sounds from above
Of erroneous love
Have left me decidedly mellow
My 'cello string snapped with a "Twang!"[Per Bigsmith: it seemed too good a line to waste]
And my music stand collapsed with a "Bang!"
I let out an oath (Bigsmith) Saw the cartoon. :-)
About string and stand both
and kicked out at the bucket with a clang
Pray sing out with voice loud and clear!
And fill lowly peasants with fear.
As the hunt comes a-trampling
On poor Charlotte Rampling
And gives her a flea in her ear!
The holiday season is here
The time for sand, sea and beer
And drizzle, and fog
Campsites like Bog,
-nor Regis when rain clouds hang drear.
finally drawing a line under the -ear /-eer rhymes
Chalky - Resplendent in tangerine satin
I tango'd my way round Prestatyn oh what a picture that paints...
My partner, Miguel
, the Argie from Hell
, Just couldn't quite dance like a Latin...
Last Tango in Southend-on-Sea
a film I just don't want to see
It's nothing but dross
With Matt and Luke Goss (remember them? I bet you wish you didn't)
A mark out of five? Minus three.
And talking of towns on the coast
They say (though they don't like to boast)
That Yarmouth's the place
For black satin lace
And mushrooms and baked beans on toast.
When paying a visit to Durham hoho
I realised there's no rhyme for Durham Let alone two.
And so I left Durham
(A nice town that, Durham)
And ended up in Dover, which is vile.
Enough of this nonsense. Back to proper limerickese.
I once met a man with three legs
Who pushed out a basket of eggs
I said, "Hello, tripod", I can only think of one rhyme
"are you man or god?" was that the one?
And ended up in Dover, which was nowhere near as nice as Durham
An angel approached me and said:
"Permit me to point out you're dead"
"Your mortal life ended"
"Your ways you have mended" I still think the other place is more interesting.
So well send you to Durham instead
Ahem - "So we'll send you to Durham instead." Ay thang yew.
In Darlington, Durham and Dover
The law has a precedence over
The wearing of heels
But Judge often repeals
If promised a lay in the clover
One night on the beach down in Bognor
Recalling my visit to Durham
I thought of Prestatyn
and Winterbourne Abbas Anarchy in the UK
And all of the time spent in Ais Gill
There was a young man from Prestatyn
Who wore on his head a gold paten
When asked to describe
The drinks he'd imbibe
He slurred he will never leave Durham
Tonight I will take her, I swear, (To Durham, where else??)
To Durham, with wind in her hair
We'll get the eight-thirty
Get deep down and dirty
If anyone sees, I don't care ;-)
I've got to leave old Durham town
Opp north is getting me down
I'll head West-South-West
Wearing naught but a vest
And arm bands in case that I drown
While heading t'wards Stratford-on-Avon
, that well-known cultural haven
I stopped off in Warwick
To meet poor old Yorick (oblig., and thank you)
And paused for a pint in "The Raven".
There once was a writer called Poe
Who found it so hard to say "No"
His stutter got worse
Then he'd start to curse
He still wrote classic prose, though.
Oops, add a 'some' in after wrote...
He still wrote some classic prose, though.
Will Smith saves the world (yet again)
His heroics will drive us insane
Does no-one but me unfinished rhetorical question alert!
Eschew going to see
Bloody "Men in Black III"? What a pain!
I once stopped in Bangkok for the night
But left back to Durham with next flight (A short stay....)
Landed at Luton as you would
Put a new suit on [Fiddler] Is that the one-syllable pronunciation of Durham?
Like me it was a little too tight. (having to squeeze the extra syllable in to make it scan)
I've been staying oop north for two weeks
To study some birds with two beaks
Whilst quite advantageous
I find it outrageous
The language the two-beaked birds speaks ...a foul language not worthy to be published, not even here!
A chick may say no, meaning yes
But heed caution, nevertheless
For the cock, in his ardour
Tries all the harder
And it ends in a helluva mess
In Bolton, there lives a strange man
Who claims Jesus was born in Japan
And Mohammed was Greek
Tony Blaire smart and chic
And Bernard Levin a very nice man. Sadly missed
"Man" rhymed with "man"? Very odd.
Beware of the lim’rick cop squad [Darren: they may also count syllables so run while you can!]
If fault's found with your scansion
Their cellblock needs expansion (to get room for all sinners, including yours truly)
The trouble is some MC's patrol the scansion and the rhyme so closeley that you would think that when it comes to Limericks that they were God. 'nuf said.
See me! Watch me scan, pun and rhyme! *smug*
Though constrain'd to rhythm and time!
Like a well-crafted clock
Where tick follows tock
So make mine a Vodka and Lime . The sun is over the yard arm I assume! [Software] Give my regards to Belloc
There was a young fellow from Streatham "strettum"
Who cut off his testicles and ate 'em
a man with no balls
Makes squeaky phone calls
[merely a comment - I cannot do line 5] (plump) That's uncanny! I put up the same first line about 2 yrs ago in MCPants and the 2nd line was "who cut off his bollocks and ate 'em". Was that you? An even more shameless recycling than mine, and, ahem, it scans a bit better. :-)
But offers a pouch for a gem? [Play on kids, throwing sand in the eyes makes no one happy!]
His sex drive had started to wane
When he'd finished the case of champagne
So he had 3 Viagra
Leapt over Niagara
And had sex again and again.
The Queen dropped the Orb & the Sceptre
And deserted the people who'd kept her
she romped off with a lad
Twice as old as her dad
'cos at sex older men are adepter. Oh yes we are.
While recycling a piece of old glass [Rosie] I think it must have been so good a line my brain filed it away.Cannot be sure who posted it last time.
A heard a voice say, "what a farce!"
If it's brown, green or clear
It should not be put here!
Your glass belongs to the whiskey-class.
Today I'll buy me a used submarine, http://www.b-americanboats.com/whiskeysub.html
Including a deep-diving sex-machine
So diving for muff
Will not be so tough
as trying to persuade people that scansion is an essential ingredient of a Limerick - know what I mean?
So fuck off good scansion – you know what I mean?>[Rosie: Why destroying an almost finished limerick just to try teaching us common amateur poets something that you don’t respect yourself? Very bad manner in my humble opinion]
He once found a Rose on the heath
A mutant that sported sharp teeth
So for gnawing the bark [Rosie & Marc] Calm down dears, its only a bit of fun
Of itself, in the dark
He nibbled her buds underneath.
One day as he mounted his horse
The muse suddenly struck - "But of course!"
"To straddle a saddle"
"I must use a paddle"
"Some soap, a small fish and The Force™"
While trying to get through to my bank
To cash my check for a million Swiss Franc(tough to match your excellent scansion Rosie;-)
I got music on hold all too true, unfortunately :-(
And grew very old
Before I realised that you can't cash cheques over the phone

sorry - couldnt resist....


"Please press "star" key now twice and then hold"
By an anomyous voice I was told
This nameless deciever
                                                        sorry, meant to preview not submit. :(
I’m an asshole and need a good spank!
I haven't been here for a while
She said donning a satisfied smile
It all looks quite strange
It seems quite a change
But a Miss is as good as a mila
She read Kama Sutra, then said:
"Can you wrap both your legs round your head?"
I said, "Yes, and what's more, (dangling quote warning)
"I can spin on the floor"
She said, "that'll do, let's get wed".
The wedding went off with no hitch
'Cos both sides were equally rich. Ooh, cynical!
But soon it turned sour ,Cant you just see line 5 coming
For they differed in power
And she returned to her mother, the bitch! Satisfying Snod's prediction
I would just like to point out that the line above, to whit: "I'm an asshole and need a good spank" was not written by me and I would kindly ask whoever it was to not do that again.
Whilst walking the streets late at night
In my stilettos and miniskirt, tight Why not?
A copper approached me (Softers) I wouldn't try that in Croydon.
And offered a small fee
And showed me his helmet so bright . [st dog] Well whoever it wasclearly wanted to make a statement and it looks like it was true
There once was a cute little pup
So small he could fit in a cup
A pygmy chihuahua - [snodgrass] It would appear now that you are actually coming out with it and saying you think I am an asshole ? This is not really in keeping with the etiquette of this forum, and if you really took exception to my limerick line that seemed to have sparked the comment I would say you have a singular lack of humour. Also I would say "fuck you" but I won't, because that would not be in keeping with the etiquette of this forum. Watch your mouth.
Barking like a (mad) cacadua [st dog] Maybe you are not a real asshole but you certainly acted like one entering that lunatic 'phone'-line. Go wash your mouth!
How I wished he would shut the ^&*% up
To steal someone's "handle" is base
The forum police must give chase [St Dog] You misread my comment. It was the handle-napper who I was referring to as being deserving of the attribution of the term 'asshole'. They had made the comment disguising themselves with your handle but inferring the monika to themselves. I'm sorry if you took offence but you really didnt need to.
For we're a happy, brave few
There is me, him and you
Plus the assholes - but they're a disgrace.
*Phew* - what a relief that the misunderstanding has been unmisunderstooded.
"Disgusted" of Tunbridge Wells, Kent (Chalky) Unmisunderstanded, surely?
Where "A Room With a View” is for rent or have I unmisunderstanded your intentions?
These insinuations
Will hamper relations No Bushisms here please. Maybe the germ of a seed of an inkling of an idea for another game?
(Well, I hope so, for that's my intent)
snodgrass] well in that case I am very glad I didn't say "fuck you". Sorry for the confusion but it wasn't clear and seemed mightily unprovoked......ho humYou're an asshole and so is your horse
ooops!
You're an asshole and your horse is one too
This we’ve heard from the mouth of the whores assuming 'You're an asshole and so is your horse' is the line to be rhymed in best possible scansion mode....? Or if you like, replace it with: As was writ on the door to the loo....
Tho' Arse-hole we say o'er here
This one has lost its thread a little I fear. Yes the second one didn't really scan too well. Crivvens. What to do ? Lets start it again with a completely new line
My horsey's upset and offended
The mare, which it had intended
Now she'll have no truck
With the amorous buck
So sadly this Limerick ended. Alternatively for us whoresmen: Her ass though still looks very splendid.
You shouldn’t jump over the fence,
He said to a child who was dense
For you know not what
A deep pit I have got (the child had just jumped into his garden you see, and had landed in a large pit that the man had dug. It loses something in the explanation I think.)
Now I'm afraid that your corpse I must flense Because once in the pit this maniac has dug in his garden, stunned from the unexpected drop and helpless to ward of the mad neighbour's intentions, the child gets subjected to a "Silence of the Lambs" moment, dies a horrible death and becomes an Item of secret fetish-wear. You're right, it does lose something, doesn't it?
Kidnapped, drugged then dropped in my pit
It upset my schedule, a bit
Still, I did escape
To commit one more rape
'Cause I'm an insensitive git.
[Fiddler] not nice, and not even funny ...
Now let's all just cool off for a while [Chalky] No worse than child-skinning, surely? Hang on, I did that one. Much worse, I agree.
And rest while we wash off the bile
And the phlegm and the snot
I'd much rather not
For I'm base and I'm bad and I'm vile.
When learning the rules of a game
Let bad html take the blame
Ooh, she's so bold!
The learners she'll scold
Be kind to us please, it's a shame
Let fantasy flow we proclaim! [Chalky]...please remember our lines are not necessarily fiction, they may very well be, but you'll never know .... ;-)
Once Ella sang jazz with the Duke, (whoops, sorry folks, please see my unintentional 6:th line above as an alternative ending…)
She duetted with George on the uke
Her "Do-Be-Do-Doos"
They could never refuse
Now they're trapped in the ole’ box of Juke.
Today it is Monday - at last
By gum, you got that line in fast while I was "previewing" as it 'appens.
Hurry up! Time is flying!
My brain cells are dying!
And that's how every Monday is passed. (but that it were true)
'Tis Tuesday! A whole bright new day!
With Friday just three days away
And the full-moon is bright
and up there all night
Its just clouds that get in the way
Now Tuesday is almost all spent
Well it is if you live near to Kent - which I don't, you GMTist swine.
So let's give a cheer
And get out of here
I've given up Wednesdays for Lent NEXT!
Today is named after Wodin except on the Continent where it's named after element no. 80.
That's something that softies write code in Not in The Netherlands - Woensdag is
And Wodin, you see
Is hanged to his knee
So for some poor sod trouble is Bodin'
Well tried on that last limerick
Let’s hope that it gives us a kick (Rosie probably wants to kick my butt so I’ll try to stay away for a while…)
For Thursday is here
Time for a beer!
But not so much that we are sick.
Not for the first time I'm here
On the plus side: look, Friday is near!
with a full weekend ahead
And black silk-sheets in my bed
Soon we'll put ourselves in first gear!
One Friday (quite soon) I think that I will
On leaving work, put my hand in the till
To finance my fun
While I go on the run
I'll never get caught if I bung the Old Bill!
Two days free, so what shall I do?
Visit Blackpool, or far Timbuktu?
Alas, I am skint
Please give me a hint
How rude! And the same to you too!
Foucault's Nietzschean Historiography
Is a bloddy good read when you're lonely
But for those who have friends
Well, we know how it ends
- in a maze of verbose sub-pornography
But Durkheim, of course, is much clearer
In claiming that orgasm's comes nearer (sorry, my French isn't that good, maybe he meant organs?)
Using specialist aids
And a system of grades
that suited that buttonned-up era.
My Grandfathers clock has got tics
Which explains his success rate with chlicks (cloat.ha ha)
It also has fleas
And arthritic knees
But its name is Captain Hicks.
The trouble with women in cars ,Not going anywhere you understand
Is really they’re driving like stars Alternative ending of last one: The reason it strike and not kicks!
In Venus-like fashion
A shame they keep crashin' tortuous final syllable pronunciation required
Into men driving back from their bars
She was finding it hard to deny it
'Cos she knew that her drivin' was shy-it
So she let actions speak
And drove up the creek
and flooded the engine and had to walk-it!
There once was a lim’rick molester,
Named Widey, whose arse ought to fester,
His lines would not scan,
He rhymed like my gran,
Whose dyslexic verse made all detest her
If ever you have to submit
Make sure that you’ve poof-read your wit
For there's little that's worse
Than to feel a bit hearse
And everyone else calls you sh... bad.
Obvious I know, but I swallowed my pride
“Dear Sir, I have never been kissed,”
Said the young matchstick-seller to Lizst
"Not a lot, my young sir"
Though my looks cause a stir
But my moustache makes most men resist
I know this sounds weird but it’s true
I keep a bright turquoise cuckoo
The first day of each spring
It endeavours to sing
The entire score from "Cat Ballou"
Andrew Lloyd Webber's a brilliant man
And he keeps as a pet, a scarlet toucan
Called "Beaklight Express"
It will always impress
Far more than his musical scores ever can.
Don't look at me! The scansion was f*cked anyway ...
:-)
:-)
:-)
Chalky - Today I shall swear with rude words
Such as "frumjittle yaxlifrous knurds!"
And this precedent
Will surely cement
my status 'mongst top foul-mouthed birds. Dreadful sorry, m'dear; couldn't resist it.
Insults are all part of the game
That line is so bad and too lame ;-)
So turn up the heat
Make y'r enemies bleat
And give them back more of the same.
They say it's a form of respect
When by magpies you're violently pecked
For an avian mob
It's just part of the job
They don't care if your features are wrecked
Whatever became of Cock Robin,
I hear you cry, wailin' and sobbin'.
Well, don't look at me!
Don't do archeree
Just try feel the beat, get the throbbin’. Well, don’t blame me, blame Chalky, Darren or Merriam-Webster's!
There once was a redheaded blonde
Of whom I was terribly fond
Her green brown grey eyes
And roan skewbald thighs
Made me ask if she'd like to abscond.
The loveliest lady I know
Is a tranny called 'Leg-over Flo'
What she'll do for a pound
Will amaze and astound
But the therapy after will cost though
My wife’s wearing spurs – in our bed,
There's an odd wire thing on my head Well, a guy gets simulposted, what dost thou expect?
And I don't know whether
we should get it together
With the guests or each other instead *deploys coat*
The problem with most politicians
Is their penchant for loose coalitions
They plan and they plot
And care not a jot
When spending our bank depositions.
My taxes so gladly I'll pay,
If you'll take Michael Howard away
Call men in white coats!
While he cackles and gloats
And makes like he's god's gift next May. 2005. Nah - surely not. He won't really WIN, will he?
A serious lot are the Swedes
Much given to wearing of Tweeds
They hammer and screw (Assembling those IKEA furniture)
and turn the air blue (Assembling those IKEA furniture)
with fumes from the smoking of weeds.
A frivolous lot are the Welsh
For scansion is left on the shelf
The same goes for rhyme
And tune, most of the time
And drinking on Sunday's I'm told
The Welsh are a frivolous lot - let's try that last idea out in a way that can actually be rhymed without recourse to the Star Trek Klingon Dictionary™
For their clothing they care not a jot! True. I wrapped one in tin foil today.
They can often be seen Curse that simulposting!!
in peninsular Lleyn (Bif) Yes, but we are deeply frivolous. There's a difference, inni' aye.
Knitting sweaters from seaweed and snot. http://www.lleynsheep.com/
Believe in your faith and you’ll see, Also a humble apology to all honest, frivolous but hard-working Welsh women and men!
The Welsh dragging snot from the sea
It gets caught in their rowlocks
And then removed by their cox
who sells it to tourists. Tee-hee!
welsh sea snot] I take it that you guys just stumbled upon that one ? Or have you perhaps tried Lava Bread ? para 7. Its basically seaweed/algae or similar and they mix it with oatmeal and make little cakes with it fried for breakfast. Marvellous stuff, though in it's pre oat added form it looks like a big pile of darkish green MUCAS.
Make that 'mucus', st d ;o)
I bake cakes with the stuff in my nose
With a pinch of jam found 'twixt my toes
And then sprinkle some
Of the fluff from my tum
It's good as a cure for all woes -- probably because once you eat this all your other problems will seem small in comparison :)
He nibbled her earlobe, then said: (all this food-talk makes me hungry...)
"Can I put some of this on my bread?"
She said, "Cut that out!"
"Or your ear I will clout!"
"You can't, 'S been eaten, You've fed!"
She served him a hot pie in bed, ...more food, now breakfast...
And rubbed warm goose grease on his head don't ask me where that came from
But in places below an oportunity for depravity, perhaps?
Whee no foodstuffs should go
Where Bugger, sorry..
He was subjected to leeches and bledThis sounds like a Michael Winner film
Well if that's what you think, I don't care!
I don't give a jot for your stare
Be off with you, fool
And as for your tool
, well, must cause you the greatest despair.
I once knew a farmer who said:
"O'ive no problem wi' rain on me 'ead"
"Now get orf me land"
"W'your marchin' band
"Or my roifle will soon make you dead." a happy end for that one!
Dear Father, please send fifty quid.
'Though I can't bear to say what I did
Don't ask any questions
About nasty infections You can tell that the University students have gone back cant you?
And d'you know a good name for a kid?
rofl at that last one...
It happened in old Monterrey
While enjoying the bracing sea spray
Due to great land erosion My geography is fairly poor, but isn't Monterrey inland? ;-)
If Toutatis had hit...
And my ships huge corrosion Noah made it inland didn't he (?) and my yacht is made of glass reinforced plasics but what he heck…
I could sail over land every day.
Toutatis has tried to board us! [Raak] Thanks for the inspiration
So I'll pack and leave with the next bus! (Space shuttle buses may become more common one future day....)
But in the act of escaping [Howie] - I thought it was a Cheese, but then again I know Jack!
A cake I was baking
Was launched from the oven toward us
His body dropped down like a stone
hit the ground with great smashing of bone
One more mountaineer
Now flying, Oh dear!....like an angel?
Approaches the heavenly throne.
The well-heeled folk of Sevenoaks
Turn noses up at lim’rick jokes
But with I M Pentameter
Their footwork is amateur
And fun at them everyone pokes
She said: May I teach you safe sex?
He replied: I'm more into safe hex
But activities in Binary
despite all the finery
Beats anything by Posh and Becks
She said: May I give you a tip?
He said "Not just now; I'm in knip"
But if you'll lend me a token
I'll leave Thorpe-le-Soken
And thankfully kiss your red lip. ....or: Getting rid of your stiff upper lip?
It’s Friday, let’s meet at the Pub,
[Marc] Love to, but I'm off to my club
It's highly exclusive - don't ya know
Because I'm reclusive
But please don't take this as a snub!
wonderful stuff!
Chalky - My brain is too full - I'm in shock
I shall hide in this grandfather clock
I just hope that the bob-weights
don't tickle my knob, mates,
Then grandpa’s for sure starts to rock![Rosie]...I thought you were a honourable woman!?
She giggled and said: “What is that?”
"It's a teapot on top of my hat!"
"If I want some tea," [Marc] Did you really not know that Rosie's a man??
"you must bow to me" (Marc) Wildly wrong on both counts. :-) See http://www.geocities.com/pantsmcprofiles/profiles.html
Why did it come out with all those spaces, but not this time?
Then I’ll kick your ass, said Cheshire cat [Rosie] No wonder then that I thought the fading scent from your lines was more like ‘Axe Marine', but my smelling sense is not so good any more.....
John Howard will never be gone!
"He goes on and on". (Anon) (Marc) Yerssss. I do wash y'know. :-)
So here's what I think:
We could all use a drink - though this is probably true at any time and not just 'cos of the Aussie elections :)
To celebrate (down-under) erection’s withdrawn?
My butler is off for tonight, (sorry all, of course I meant election !)
And he's left the house looking a fright Of course you did Marc :)
Because it is haunted
By spooks I'll be taunted
But I'm Dracula so off for a bite
"Do you have to go, Laura?" I said
"I thought you'd like Dawn of the Dead"
"They look just like you."
"Have not got a clue,"
"How do you get a girl into bed?"
She will get into bed when she's ready
With curlers and mudpack and teddy
Phooar, sexy mudpacks! Mmm!
Her nightgown is woolly
And covers her fully sorry, couldn't resist
Cor blimey! This outfit is heady! Haaang on...are we talking Teddy as in skimpy diaphanous-yet-wooly garment held together with "strategically placed snap fastenings" (hurhurhur) or were you thinking more along the lines of a clockwork Ursus Somnolus that sings "Walzing Matilda"?
There once was a dimwitted poet,
A Crescenter. Wouldn't you know it?
The name - I'll reveal
His ineptitude Stress shift required.
BUGGER! Didn't see you there, Darren. I'll have another go.
Not David Baddiel? Tiresome git. This is my actual contribution, BTW.
But ------- BLUE PENCIL -------
Sorry can't allow that to be seem
So who let that censor in here?
There once were two dimwitted poets,
Who kept as pets boy and girl stoats "Poets"? Come on...
Their loud copulation (Puckoon) Who's the censor? You, matey, to judge by the message timing. If you can't think of a line then just sit this one out.
Was justification
For helping them on with their coats Needs a Lincolnshire accent for this one to rhyme, but it does work, honest. 'Coats' is 'Coo-arts', 'stoats' 'stoo-arts etc etc.

A return to more RP reciting
Does one not think these vowels sound inviting? Kudos to Darren for that nifty line 4
For rain falls in Spain
Ignore Michael Caine (Pen) That sounds more like Hartlepool to me, where the word "no" is two syllables, prounced "Noah" or "gnawer". Maybe it's an east-of-England thing.
Cause he’s more for free fiction writing.
Alas poor Yorick, my head I have lost,
Alas
It is mouldering in the compost
Its vacuous grin God, this is gruesome.
And this dastardly sin
Will be solvèd by Inspector Frost.
My thumb's fallen into my soup
Said Scoutmaster Bill, to his troop
"Don't shout too loud!"
Was the will of the crowd
"You'll get it back once you go poop."I have been silent too long. Just intervening to say I've been laughing along wit you [arteests] for some tyme now. *chuckle* Now carry on! [slinking back into the shadows] don't be alarmed by me raucous laughter.
The election's a fortnight away
And our nerves are beginning to fray
Now this time peace will win ...winning scansion forever!
'Cause Kerry's long chin
Will start charming people any day
Now
"Wear shiny plastic on your skin" gruntgrunt
And try to imagine you're thin good memory required
The semi-transparent
... just almost apparent ...
It looks like you're just wearing a grin.
The Cheshire Cat smiled and spoke thus:
"Because I just fade, there's a fuss"
"People wonder and stare"
''When I'm only part there''
"And that's why I'm wearing this truss."
For five hundred years I had thought
that happiness could always be bought (Projoy) the secret of your longevity being.....?
And was cheap at the price
....so much cheaper than rice…
But then I found I'd been "caught".
It's taken me ten years to find
The piece that fell out of my mind
It was here all the time
It must mean that I'm
What's left after Lechter had dined
To a nice piece of liver I'm partial
Before I'm up for my latest court martial
It'll cook up so fine
Judge and jury shall dine
and I my defences shall marshal.
Close reading of texts will reveal
The source of your minister's zeal
Chapter 3, verse 16
No, not that! You’re so mean!
You might get off on appeal
The problem with such hermeneutics
They're no match for the Gaul sage, Refutix
Cite chapter and verse
Till they rage, spit and curse
Then persist: they'll explode in a few ticks.
I read, in today's Daily Mail,
That Prince Philip's turned into a quail stranger things have happened
Her Maj is appalled
Though he was pretty old
but now she'll have eggs sans pareil. All right, male quails don't lay eggs.
It's often been said, down our way Or often been Sid, as I typed before...
That male quails don't lay eggs, unless gay
And those that they do Mmm, this is getting quite surreal.
Are just filled with goo
Bollocks! That's all just hearsay.
There was a young lady from Camden
Who always liked to keep her hand in
Quite where, we don't know
We suspect it was Bow
(It's the sort of place she'd make one "stand" in)
I've been told that the Tottenham Court Road
Is a bad place to be for a toad
But frogs are OK
,lightly killed, they say, Rather crunchy.
Unlike ferrets, which tend to explode. It happened nine times yesterday...
There was a young gent lived in Fulham limerick syntax declared
A hit with girls - boy, could he pull 'em!
For he was well endowed opening for abuse....
And oft stood rather proud never knowingly underestimated
And his silken words always would lull 'em
I'm standing in two feet of rain
Yes, my basement is flooded again
The waters are lapping unfinished sentence al...
And the kids are all clapping
the Medway - it's won yet again.
Outside it is blowing a hooley More bloody rough weather, eh Rosie?
And the rain pisses down most unduly (Actually, it's quite fine here and now.)
But whether the weather
goes mad altogether (Softers) Yes. Nasty but not dire. This one's been hyped up a bit, but the barometer will go quite low, even so.
Would depend on 'Hurricane Julie' / Be sure to lag both of your goolies - Bifurcating, with slight force
Remember, when out in the rain / "I'll say it to you, straight and plain" No idea what happens next. Maybe this is just an advert for The Furcation Game. We'll see.
That hail would be causing more pain / "Bend your knees when lifting, don't strain"
It could be so much worse / For the weight of this purse
Then I’ll call my sweet nurse / We deliver this verse:
And we'll try that nice treatment again / By Virgin, the strain's on the train
Giving rise to much 'booing' and 'hissing'
For to Gerrymander
is but to pander
a sort of backhanded ar*e kissing
I'm off to an Anne Summers do! (not been to one before - should I be apprehensive?)
To see things...that are mainly see-through (oh yes)
Some of them wobble and buzz (can I come?)
Respectfully, Bm, might that scan a little better if it were:
Some wobble and buzz
Some light up - this one does!
Like my glowing vibrator does too.... (....well, not mine but maybe Anne Zummer's....?)
Now bin Laden is talking again, (does 'poetry' and politics unite?)
At least he has not got a plane *carpentry invoked*
His call to surrender
In bra and suspender
Show his smalls must be causing him pain LOL the mental picture of BinLaden in bra and suspenders is a disturbingly funny one...
There once was this horny old goat,
Who made an odd sound in his throat
Which sounded just like...
An old motor bike
That was pow'red by a treadmill-bound stoat.
I hide in the depths of this pear
Eating tunnels that go here and there A limerick narrated by a maggot?
On reaching the core
I start outward once more
So when you take a bite have a care (nothing worse than finding half a maggot in your pear)
Who cares about this election?
Cried the Chinese girl in my direction.
The whole politburo
standing leady, theil heads glow (what do I know about politicians….?)
Whatever - there's f**k-all selection.
The time to take action is now
The road ahead's blocked by a cow
And the bovine obstruction
(By simple deduction)
Is worse than that caused by a sow.
The omission of the letter 'K'
Is useful in one certain way
If you find that you kneed (Oh, a play on words... maybe I'm slowly getting better)
A Knurd knamed Knaveed
He's over on Knorthampton Way
In Knaresborough, knaves know about knickers
A Subject that sometimes sees snickers [Rosie] Fiendish Aliteration count there
When wearing white woolies
To ward off the bullies Nice one, Rosie :-)
Be braced for a big bloke that bickers
America civilised? Pah!
'Bout time we realised, yah?
George Bush has English roots
Thinks after he shoots
The Yank's guzzle more gas - by far.
In Arabia, baby, a girl
Whose umbrella refused to unfurl
Had a trouble with wind
'Cos her mother had sinned
by sitting with her feet on a sill
My tumour grows large in the Fall
My humour, by contrast, grows small
My gloags start to spread
(I hasten to point out, btw, that I wrote that line before I saw the news story about Mrs Edwards)
and click inside my head
Believe me, that's not nice at all.
So, reasons to not give a **** (you decide!)
Include rudeness, forgetfulness, thrift, This censorship is out of hand, at least if you don't get a Christmas present.
But my favourite excuse
To politely refuse
Which will leave grammar purists well-miffed.
So, reasons to not give a f*** (again, your choice)
That the Dems are so down on their luck (not beating about the bush, as it were)
It's only four years (Though imagine if Bush got assassinated - Cheney would get the rest of his term, then undoubtedly be elected for a new one, and could stand for yet another at the end...)
Yet I have many fears
, not least that the chimp runs amok
A radio drama is good
That's what you say - well you would
But give me a present
That is effervescent
And doesn't do more than it should.
Rememeber, when you're in the car
The four round things go on the tar
The pointier end
Should be first round a bend
And Ford means "Found On Road Dead," har har.
Bear in mind, when alighting the train
Look right, then left, then right again
"Is this Liskeard (for Looe)?"
"Or New Street (for Crewe)?"
"No. It's a roundabout and you are a pain!"
A splendour rose up in the sky
"Hey, big splendour!" I heard Shirley cry
The splendour replied:
"I'm small and on my side;"
Ne'er again will I stargaze while high.
A duck, and a coin, and a shoe
Are things I have fished from the loo.
tramp steamers and trains
(they're big, they block drains) Not the only thing, I've found. :-(
And a TARDIS mislaid by Doc. Who
If it's good, then give it no thought
Don't bother with "should I?" or "ought...?"
Just jump right on in
It can't be a sin
unless of course you get caught. (Raak) Amazing coincidence: - My first attempt was exactly the same as yours only you got in first. Great Minds . . .
[Raak, Rose] Great minds? I beg to differ. Anoraks... ;o)
Such a thrill to be breaking the law
So I think that I'll do it some more [Pen] I've met Rosie and I can assure you he is not/doesn't wear an anorak.
Oh. Hello Inspector!
My name's Doctor Lecter
Excuse me while I eat Al Gore.
My cholesterol levels are high
'cos I'm overly fond of Gore Pie
Except for the crust
all covered in dust
from cremating that Arafat guy.
The great thing 'bout this time of night (Softers) Cheers. I did have a duffel coat at one time.
Is that nobody else is in sight ;-)
They'll never find out
I'm tickling trout
But why do they put up a fight?
A double deep black cherry pie
A fruity delight to my eye
With thick double cream
And fish oils of bream
Has just made me puke down my tie.
Don't talk to the oiks, Pollyanna
They're bound to hate your jolly manner
And as for your hair,
Well, to be fair,
I would call it brunette, but I canna. Yeah, yer annoying wee gingernut....
[Projoy] so you had nothing better to do on Sunday afternoon than watch crappy films too?
Christmas is coming they say
So I think that I just skip that day
And just have New Year [pen] Yes, it was so utterly syrupy, I got stuck to the sofa. I cheered when she got run over.
With three gallons of beer
And lots of loose women, wahey!
An elephant kiss'd me, m'lud!
Its trunk was most clearly no dud!
It sought out the parts
For refreshment by tarts coat!
which sounds like a joke by Roy Hudd. I know one of his scriptwriters. So that's where he gets them.
Exhibit A: Elephant, one
Exhibit B: half a swiss bun
The jury will find
(if it's that way inclined)
The rest in a great pile of . . . "what's brown and sounds like a bell"
Douglas Adams wrote "The Salmon of Doubt"
Working title "Faith Haddock Without"
But the draft wasn't finished
Adams' strength was diminished
The light of his life flickered out.
Tim Berners-Lee said of the web
"It makes me look less of a pleb."
"For I now wear flash suits"
"Gone are those zoots"
"Don't you think I resemble a deb?" That's enough of that!
As he jumped from the wardrobe, he said:
"I am wearing my pants on my head."
"and my socks on my thumb"
Which has made them go numb
"And smell oddly like garlic bread"
In the middle of writing an ode
to the hard men who dig up the road
I spied a strange man
Making tea in a can
While his body was painted with woad.
While attending a conference in Ghent
I found that my briefcase was bent
Its titanium hinge
Had developed a fringe
Of no use to a business-like gent
The good folk of Buckfastleigh, Devon
All retire to bed around seven
For they get up at eleven (oops this is going to be an all lines rhyme limerick)
Read a book by Nye Bevan
and pray that they go to heaven
When standing alone in the dark
I disrobed, to my vest, for a lark.
I re-dressed in a hurry
when a truck load of slurry
Escaped (stained my shirt with a mark).
The trouble with loaning out bees
is thay always come back with strained knees Hern
Quite why this is so
I really don't know
But a physicist might for some fees (according to Physics, a bumblebee can't fly).
A stalactite falls from the roof
Wooky Hole provides us with proof quite splendid caves there, well worth a visit
That if no-one is there
does anyone care? - Who gives a Hern
Or are we completely aloof?
There once was a student in Leeds
Whose ambition was spreading his seeds
So of he went clubbing
while elm seeds dropping
And satisfied all of his needs.
"MY GOD" said her lady in waiting
"Her Ladyship's gorn out nude skating!"
"If she slips on her front"
"She may bear the brunt"
Of two Green Carpet Moths mating
It's about time I started a round I'm getting fed-up just drawing lines for other people.
"Frère Jacques" will do - nice sound.
"Sur le pont d'Avignon"
Si vous dirai-je mamman
Tut, tut. Our French is not good, I'll be bound!
There once was a frozen lake [previous limerick] it's not bad, and I'd know. I see bad French all the time - generally in my own notes. sigh.
Whose ice would many a maid take
The maids were not found (not aimed at anyone in particular, but players unsure of the best rhythm for a limerick might find this useful. (Rhymes are, luckily, more intuitive).
Actually, this page is a bit more user-friendly.
Above the cold ground
Sorry, it doesn't quite scan, so how about this, which keeps the original as much as poss -

There once was a large frozen lake
Whose ice would many maids take
The maids were not found
Above the cold ground
But below, astride the giant hake!

Huzzah! for brave snorgle; how quick!
She loves to display her new trick.
She scans like a dream
Just a pity the rest are so thick.
The man who came to fix my door [p,D,P,MD,B] Best for a while - the metric feet are dancing!
Left a ruddy great hole in the floor 'Twas on the Monday morning
His extremely large tool
He had placed in my stool ouch!
I'm still not quite sure what it's for.
The Alpha lost his Iota
Which took him beneath his set quota
The Beta protested
So the Gamma arrested
The Alpha for breaking the rota.
A Thesaurus is a very strange book
It won't help you garden or cook
Though Roget's compiling
often helps me when filing is no-one gonna complain about dodgy lines for a while then?
But it's no use to Peregrin Took
*grumble grumble*
Look at me! I can perfectly scan!
That he said as he shat in the fan!
Scatologically
There's an appology
For mistaking the fan for the pan. Honestly, I despair, sometimes!
Poor Kim's on the verge of despair
But truthfully, folks. Do you care?
For the world's never right
Full of envy and spite
And people with egg in their hair.
Let's all go and verb some new words!
And devariate a few herds
I've started to battle
With glaive and atlatl
I've joined the neologian nerds!
hmm - didn't actually intend to press the 'submit' button, but it's done now ... serves me right for multi-tasking
"I'm surrounded by fools!" I cried this is 100% true.
And, quite shortly after, I died
It just serves me right
For talking such shite
Now Hell's jaws, for my soul, open wide.
There was a young fellow from Barrow (Chalky) Wot - you got a cuppa tea there 'n' all.
Who grew a remarkable marrow
He took it to fair
But it could not compare
With Sid's prize-winning tap-dancing sparrow. [Rosie - yeah ... and the rest]
My job at the City Sperm Bank,....I'm very impressed by above sparrow-limerick, well done!
Makes use of a very large crank
When turned, it produces
A wide range of juices
And all for the price of a spank!
Fantastic!
When's the best time to eat bread?
While bathing or when you're in bed?
.. and as toast or just slices?
With jam or fried mices?
try rats and you'll just end up dead!
Clam up or start spilling the beans?
I'm sure you all know what that means!
Foul-spoken slang
with a south London twang I don't even need to try.
Is polite banter in Milton Keynes.
I live for the taste of curried beans
That just doesn't scan right, does it? How about...
I live for the hot taste of beans
Dripped over the neighbourhood queens
or bronx, brooklyn, staten
An' I'm estimatin'
oi u can't go around changing the start line! Where's the challange in that? I shall now sulk for the next 40 nights...........
[widey] We've only got one nights.
[SM] "One nights"?
Darren] ...and one Simons too.
widey - it didn't scan! And Simons - does that rhyme? Bah, I'm turning into Rosie!
The beans were produced by Peek Freans.
Today is the day that the bears... (unfinished sentence alert).
...will go hibernating downstairs, (do polar-bears hibernate?)
So lock up your fridge
To a nearby bridge
so as not to get court unawares [Marc] Of cause they don't, don't be silly, they do there best hunting in the dark, how else can they creep up on the Penguins?
With no more than a piece of elastic, [Puckoon] CAUGHT CAUGHT CAUGHT CAUGHT CAUGHT. Spleen vented; sorry.
I essayed a, épaulement fantastic
That's I essayed an épaulement fantastic
it delighted the crowds [everyone] STOP ARGUING! there's only one nights.
who hoisted their shrouds nights] What happened to the other one thousand then? More downsizing?
They don't know my hip's made of plastic.
I pulled, and I grunted, and groaned
And forgot my bold tags as well :-(
I tugged and I panted and moaned
But still I could not
shift Stonehenge one jot (snorgle) You'll need to acquire, ahem, certain features. But I'm sure you knew that anyway. :-)
So it's off to the Tor to get stoned
I essay a stunning jetée
(zhet-ay)
Followed through with a graceful plié (plee-ay)
But my battement tendu
Was pas bien comprendu
And everyone's calling me gay! boom-boom
When alone, with my "great" plans
I call in my legion of fans
They bow down before me
And all call me Normy
Disturbingly, most drive white vans.
On a recent visit to Devon
I refuelled at a small 7-11
I misread the sign
For the A339
and I'm now on the A327 help!
Be careful, be wary, be wise!
For all that they tell you is lies!
but I don't believe it
not one little bit
but they will ask, "Who ate all the pies?"
Oscar Wilde was a very great wit,
but others just think he was shit,
some like him a bit,
some call him a hit,
and others would cover him with grit.
Showing off I know but what the heck...
Now, Oscar, he's gone off to glory
That might be the end of his story
For those with such pride
(And Lions to hide)
the rest, I'm afraid, is too gory.
I'm looking out of my window
O'er the hillocks of blustery Findo
I must wear a hat
Made out of a cat
Or stay in and play my Nintindo.
"Pathetic!" I heard a man shout
"And you call yourself a Boy Scout?!"
"When in the BB" oblig. (BB is short for Boys' Brigade)
"It's apparent to me"
"You must NOT let your Troop be wiped out!"
Fall in!
He shouted "You 'orrible lot!"
"What a shower of shit that I've got!"
Shoulders back, stand up straight
And hold out your plate!
And eat it all up while it's hot.
The trouble with riding a horse
In traffic and not on a course!
Is unknown to me
However, I flee
In case it gives grounds for divorce.
I'm back in the saddle once more
not minding that it mkaes me sore
If I grip with my thighs
I get quite a surprise [pen'll know what I mean :-b]
For I've found an old apple core
A duck à l'orange, if you please!
And to follow, the board a la cheese!
And then, ice de cream
(I'll pass on the bream)
Try 'a runner' but lose my car keys.
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