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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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Whatever - there's f**k-all selection.
The time to take action is now
The road ahead's blocked by a cow
And the bovine obstruction
(By simple deduction)
Is worse than that caused by a sow.
The omission of the letter 'K'
Is useful in one certain way
If you find that you kneed (Oh, a play on words... maybe I'm slowly getting better)
A Knurd knamed Knaveed
He's over on Knorthampton Way
In Knaresborough, knaves know about knickers
A Subject that sometimes sees snickers [Rosie] Fiendish Aliteration count there
When wearing white woolies
To ward off the bullies Nice one, Rosie :-)
Be braced for a big bloke that bickers
America civilised? Pah!
'Bout time we realised, yah?
George Bush has English roots
Thinks after he shoots
The Yank's guzzle more gas - by far.
In Arabia, baby, a girl
Whose umbrella refused to unfurl
Had a trouble with wind
'Cos her mother had sinned
by sitting with her feet on a sill
My tumour grows large in the Fall
My humour, by contrast, grows small
My gloags start to spread
(I hasten to point out, btw, that I wrote that line before I saw the news story about Mrs Edwards)
and click inside my head
Believe me, that's not nice at all.
So, reasons to not give a **** (you decide!)
Include rudeness, forgetfulness, thrift, This censorship is out of hand, at least if you don't get a Christmas present.
But my favourite excuse
To politely refuse
Which will leave grammar purists well-miffed.
So, reasons to not give a f*** (again, your choice)
That the Dems are so down on their luck (not beating about the bush, as it were)
It's only four years (Though imagine if Bush got assassinated - Cheney would get the rest of his term, then undoubtedly be elected for a new one, and could stand for yet another at the end...)
Yet I have many fears
, not least that the chimp runs amok
A radio drama is good
That's what you say - well you would
But give me a present
That is effervescent
And doesn't do more than it should.
Rememeber, when you're in the car
The four round things go on the tar
The pointier end
Should be first round a bend
And Ford means "Found On Road Dead," har har.
Bear in mind, when alighting the train
Look right, then left, then right again
"Is this Liskeard (for Looe)?"
"Or New Street (for Crewe)?"
"No. It's a roundabout and you are a pain!"
A splendour rose up in the sky
"Hey, big splendour!" I heard Shirley cry
The splendour replied:
"I'm small and on my side;"
Ne'er again will I stargaze while high.
A duck, and a coin, and a shoe
Are things I have fished from the loo.
tramp steamers and trains
(they're big, they block drains) Not the only thing, I've found. :-(
And a TARDIS mislaid by Doc. Who
If it's good, then give it no thought
Don't bother with "should I?" or "ought...?"
Just jump right on in
It can't be a sin
unless of course you get caught. (Raak) Amazing coincidence: - My first attempt was exactly the same as yours only you got in first. Great Minds . . .
[Raak, Rose] Great minds? I beg to differ. Anoraks... ;o)
Such a thrill to be breaking the law
So I think that I'll do it some more [Pen] I've met Rosie and I can assure you he is not/doesn't wear an anorak.
Oh. Hello Inspector!
My name's Doctor Lecter
Excuse me while I eat Al Gore.
My cholesterol levels are high
'cos I'm overly fond of Gore Pie
Except for the crust
all covered in dust
from cremating that Arafat guy.
The great thing 'bout this time of night (Softers) Cheers. I did have a duffel coat at one time.
Is that nobody else is in sight ;-)
They'll never find out
I'm tickling trout
But why do they put up a fight?
A double deep black cherry pie
A fruity delight to my eye
With thick double cream
And fish oils of bream
Has just made me puke down my tie.
Don't talk to the oiks, Pollyanna
They're bound to hate your jolly manner
And as for your hair,
Well, to be fair,
I would call it brunette, but I canna. Yeah, yer annoying wee gingernut....
[Projoy] so you had nothing better to do on Sunday afternoon than watch crappy films too?
Christmas is coming they say
So I think that I just skip that day
And just have New Year [pen] Yes, it was so utterly syrupy, I got stuck to the sofa. I cheered when she got run over.
With three gallons of beer
And lots of loose women, wahey!
An elephant kiss'd me, m'lud!
Its trunk was most clearly no dud!
It sought out the parts
For refreshment by tarts coat!
which sounds like a joke by Roy Hudd. I know one of his scriptwriters. So that's where he gets them.
Exhibit A: Elephant, one
Exhibit B: half a swiss bun
The jury will find
(if it's that way inclined)
The rest in a great pile of . . . "what's brown and sounds like a bell"
Douglas Adams wrote "The Salmon of Doubt"
Working title "Faith Haddock Without"
But the draft wasn't finished
Adams' strength was diminished
The light of his life flickered out.
Tim Berners-Lee said of the web
"It makes me look less of a pleb."
"For I now wear flash suits"
"Gone are those zoots"
"Don't you think I resemble a deb?" That's enough of that!
As he jumped from the wardrobe, he said:
"I am wearing my pants on my head."
"and my socks on my thumb"
Which has made them go numb
"And smell oddly like garlic bread"
In the middle of writing an ode
to the hard men who dig up the road
I spied a strange man
Making tea in a can
While his body was painted with woad.
While attending a conference in Ghent
I found that my briefcase was bent
Its titanium hinge
Had developed a fringe
Of no use to a business-like gent
The good folk of Buckfastleigh, Devon
All retire to bed around seven
For they get up at eleven (oops this is going to be an all lines rhyme limerick)
Read a book by Nye Bevan
and pray that they go to heaven
When standing alone in the dark
I disrobed, to my vest, for a lark.
I re-dressed in a hurry
when a truck load of slurry
Escaped (stained my shirt with a mark).
The trouble with loaning out bees
is thay always come back with strained knees Hern
Quite why this is so
I really don't know
But a physicist might for some fees (according to Physics, a bumblebee can't fly).
A stalactite falls from the roof
Wooky Hole provides us with proof quite splendid caves there, well worth a visit
That if no-one is there
does anyone care? - Who gives a Hern
Or are we completely aloof?
There once was a student in Leeds
Whose ambition was spreading his seeds
So of he went clubbing
while elm seeds dropping
And satisfied all of his needs.
"MY GOD" said her lady in waiting
"Her Ladyship's gorn out nude skating!"
"If she slips on her front"
"She may bear the brunt"
Of two Green Carpet Moths mating
It's about time I started a round I'm getting fed-up just drawing lines for other people.
"Frère Jacques" will do - nice sound.
"Sur le pont d'Avignon"
Si vous dirai-je mamman
Tut, tut. Our French is not good, I'll be bound!
There once was a frozen lake [previous limerick] it's not bad, and I'd know. I see bad French all the time - generally in my own notes. sigh.
Whose ice would many a maid take
The maids were not found (not aimed at anyone in particular, but players unsure of the best rhythm for a limerick might find this useful. (Rhymes are, luckily, more intuitive).
Actually, this page is a bit more user-friendly.
Above the cold ground
Sorry, it doesn't quite scan, so how about this, which keeps the original as much as poss -

There once was a large frozen lake
Whose ice would many maids take
The maids were not found
Above the cold ground
But below, astride the giant hake!

Huzzah! for brave snorgle; how quick!
She loves to display her new trick.
She scans like a dream
Just a pity the rest are so thick.
The man who came to fix my door [p,D,P,MD,B] Best for a while - the metric feet are dancing!
Left a ruddy great hole in the floor 'Twas on the Monday morning
His extremely large tool
He had placed in my stool ouch!
I'm still not quite sure what it's for.
The Alpha lost his Iota
Which took him beneath his set quota
The Beta protested
So the Gamma arrested
The Alpha for breaking the rota.
A Thesaurus is a very strange book
It won't help you garden or cook
Though Roget's compiling
often helps me when filing is no-one gonna complain about dodgy lines for a while then?
But it's no use to Peregrin Took
*grumble grumble*
Look at me! I can perfectly scan!
That he said as he shat in the fan!
Scatologically
There's an appology
For mistaking the fan for the pan. Honestly, I despair, sometimes!
Poor Kim's on the verge of despair
But truthfully, folks. Do you care?
For the world's never right
Full of envy and spite
And people with egg in their hair.
Let's all go and verb some new words!
And devariate a few herds
I've started to battle
With glaive and atlatl
I've joined the neologian nerds!
hmm - didn't actually intend to press the 'submit' button, but it's done now ... serves me right for multi-tasking
"I'm surrounded by fools!" I cried this is 100% true.
And, quite shortly after, I died
It just serves me right
For talking such shite
Now Hell's jaws, for my soul, open wide.
There was a young fellow from Barrow (Chalky) Wot - you got a cuppa tea there 'n' all.
Who grew a remarkable marrow
He took it to fair
But it could not compare
With Sid's prize-winning tap-dancing sparrow. [Rosie - yeah ... and the rest]
My job at the City Sperm Bank,....I'm very impressed by above sparrow-limerick, well done!
Makes use of a very large crank
When turned, it produces
A wide range of juices
And all for the price of a spank!
Fantastic!
When's the best time to eat bread?
While bathing or when you're in bed?
.. and as toast or just slices?
With jam or fried mices?
try rats and you'll just end up dead!
Clam up or start spilling the beans?
I'm sure you all know what that means!
Foul-spoken slang
with a south London twang I don't even need to try.
Is polite banter in Milton Keynes.
I live for the taste of curried beans
That just doesn't scan right, does it? How about...
I live for the hot taste of beans
Dripped over the neighbourhood queens
or bronx, brooklyn, staten
An' I'm estimatin'
oi u can't go around changing the start line! Where's the challange in that? I shall now sulk for the next 40 nights...........
[widey] We've only got one nights.
[SM] "One nights"?
Darren] ...and one Simons too.
widey - it didn't scan! And Simons - does that rhyme? Bah, I'm turning into Rosie!
The beans were produced by Peek Freans.
Today is the day that the bears... (unfinished sentence alert).
...will go hibernating downstairs, (do polar-bears hibernate?)
So lock up your fridge
To a nearby bridge
so as not to get court unawares [Marc] Of cause they don't, don't be silly, they do there best hunting in the dark, how else can they creep up on the Penguins?
With no more than a piece of elastic, [Puckoon] CAUGHT CAUGHT CAUGHT CAUGHT CAUGHT. Spleen vented; sorry.
I essayed a, épaulement fantastic
That's I essayed an épaulement fantastic
it delighted the crowds [everyone] STOP ARGUING! there's only one nights.
who hoisted their shrouds nights] What happened to the other one thousand then? More downsizing?
They don't know my hip's made of plastic.
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