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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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Exhibit B: half a swiss bun
The jury will find
(if it's that way inclined)
The rest in a great pile of . . . "what's brown and sounds like a bell"
Douglas Adams wrote "The Salmon of Doubt"
Working title "Faith Haddock Without"
But the draft wasn't finished
Adams' strength was diminished
The light of his life flickered out.
Tim Berners-Lee said of the web
"It makes me look less of a pleb."
"For I now wear flash suits"
"Gone are those zoots"
"Don't you think I resemble a deb?" That's enough of that!
As he jumped from the wardrobe, he said:
"I am wearing my pants on my head."
"and my socks on my thumb"
Which has made them go numb
"And smell oddly like garlic bread"
In the middle of writing an ode
to the hard men who dig up the road
I spied a strange man
Making tea in a can
While his body was painted with woad.
While attending a conference in Ghent
I found that my briefcase was bent
Its titanium hinge
Had developed a fringe
Of no use to a business-like gent
The good folk of Buckfastleigh, Devon
All retire to bed around seven
For they get up at eleven (oops this is going to be an all lines rhyme limerick)
Read a book by Nye Bevan
and pray that they go to heaven
When standing alone in the dark
I disrobed, to my vest, for a lark.
I re-dressed in a hurry
when a truck load of slurry
Escaped (stained my shirt with a mark).
The trouble with loaning out bees
is thay always come back with strained knees Hern
Quite why this is so
I really don't know
But a physicist might for some fees (according to Physics, a bumblebee can't fly).
A stalactite falls from the roof
Wooky Hole provides us with proof quite splendid caves there, well worth a visit
That if no-one is there
does anyone care? - Who gives a Hern
Or are we completely aloof?
There once was a student in Leeds
Whose ambition was spreading his seeds
So of he went clubbing
while elm seeds dropping
And satisfied all of his needs.
"MY GOD" said her lady in waiting
"Her Ladyship's gorn out nude skating!"
"If she slips on her front"
"She may bear the brunt"
Of two Green Carpet Moths mating
It's about time I started a round I'm getting fed-up just drawing lines for other people.
"Frère Jacques" will do - nice sound.
"Sur le pont d'Avignon"
Si vous dirai-je mamman
Tut, tut. Our French is not good, I'll be bound!
There once was a frozen lake [previous limerick] it's not bad, and I'd know. I see bad French all the time - generally in my own notes. sigh.
Whose ice would many a maid take
The maids were not found (not aimed at anyone in particular, but players unsure of the best rhythm for a limerick might find this useful. (Rhymes are, luckily, more intuitive).
Actually, this page is a bit more user-friendly.
Above the cold ground
Sorry, it doesn't quite scan, so how about this, which keeps the original as much as poss -

There once was a large frozen lake
Whose ice would many maids take
The maids were not found
Above the cold ground
But below, astride the giant hake!

Huzzah! for brave snorgle; how quick!
She loves to display her new trick.
She scans like a dream
Just a pity the rest are so thick.
The man who came to fix my door [p,D,P,MD,B] Best for a while - the metric feet are dancing!
Left a ruddy great hole in the floor 'Twas on the Monday morning
His extremely large tool
He had placed in my stool ouch!
I'm still not quite sure what it's for.
The Alpha lost his Iota
Which took him beneath his set quota
The Beta protested
So the Gamma arrested
The Alpha for breaking the rota.
A Thesaurus is a very strange book
It won't help you garden or cook
Though Roget's compiling
often helps me when filing is no-one gonna complain about dodgy lines for a while then?
But it's no use to Peregrin Took
*grumble grumble*
Look at me! I can perfectly scan!
That he said as he shat in the fan!
Scatologically
There's an appology
For mistaking the fan for the pan. Honestly, I despair, sometimes!
Poor Kim's on the verge of despair
But truthfully, folks. Do you care?
For the world's never right
Full of envy and spite
And people with egg in their hair.
Let's all go and verb some new words!
And devariate a few herds
I've started to battle
With glaive and atlatl
I've joined the neologian nerds!
hmm - didn't actually intend to press the 'submit' button, but it's done now ... serves me right for multi-tasking
"I'm surrounded by fools!" I cried this is 100% true.
And, quite shortly after, I died
It just serves me right
For talking such shite
Now Hell's jaws, for my soul, open wide.
There was a young fellow from Barrow (Chalky) Wot - you got a cuppa tea there 'n' all.
Who grew a remarkable marrow
He took it to fair
But it could not compare
With Sid's prize-winning tap-dancing sparrow. [Rosie - yeah ... and the rest]
My job at the City Sperm Bank,....I'm very impressed by above sparrow-limerick, well done!
Makes use of a very large crank
When turned, it produces
A wide range of juices
And all for the price of a spank!
Fantastic!
When's the best time to eat bread?
While bathing or when you're in bed?
.. and as toast or just slices?
With jam or fried mices?
try rats and you'll just end up dead!
Clam up or start spilling the beans?
I'm sure you all know what that means!
Foul-spoken slang
with a south London twang I don't even need to try.
Is polite banter in Milton Keynes.
I live for the taste of curried beans
That just doesn't scan right, does it? How about...
I live for the hot taste of beans
Dripped over the neighbourhood queens
or bronx, brooklyn, staten
An' I'm estimatin'
oi u can't go around changing the start line! Where's the challange in that? I shall now sulk for the next 40 nights...........
[widey] We've only got one nights.
[SM] "One nights"?
Darren] ...and one Simons too.
widey - it didn't scan! And Simons - does that rhyme? Bah, I'm turning into Rosie!
The beans were produced by Peek Freans.
Today is the day that the bears... (unfinished sentence alert).
...will go hibernating downstairs, (do polar-bears hibernate?)
So lock up your fridge
To a nearby bridge
so as not to get court unawares [Marc] Of cause they don't, don't be silly, they do there best hunting in the dark, how else can they creep up on the Penguins?
With no more than a piece of elastic, [Puckoon] CAUGHT CAUGHT CAUGHT CAUGHT CAUGHT. Spleen vented; sorry.
I essayed a, épaulement fantastic
That's I essayed an épaulement fantastic
it delighted the crowds [everyone] STOP ARGUING! there's only one nights.
who hoisted their shrouds nights] What happened to the other one thousand then? More downsizing?
They don't know my hip's made of plastic.
I pulled, and I grunted, and groaned
And forgot my bold tags as well :-(
I tugged and I panted and moaned
But still I could not
shift Stonehenge one jot (snorgle) You'll need to acquire, ahem, certain features. But I'm sure you knew that anyway. :-)
So it's off to the Tor to get stoned
I essay a stunning jetée
(zhet-ay)
Followed through with a graceful plié (plee-ay)
But my battement tendu
Was pas bien comprendu
And everyone's calling me gay! boom-boom
When alone, with my "great" plans
I call in my legion of fans
They bow down before me
And all call me Normy
Disturbingly, most drive white vans.
On a recent visit to Devon
I refuelled at a small 7-11
I misread the sign
For the A339
and I'm now on the A327 help!
Be careful, be wary, be wise!
For all that they tell you is lies!
but I don't believe it
not one little bit
but they will ask, "Who ate all the pies?"
Oscar Wilde was a very great wit,
but others just think he was shit,
some like him a bit,
some call him a hit,
and others would cover him with grit.
Showing off I know but what the heck...
Now, Oscar, he's gone off to glory
That might be the end of his story
For those with such pride
(And Lions to hide)
the rest, I'm afraid, is too gory.
I'm looking out of my window
O'er the hillocks of blustery Findo
I must wear a hat
Made out of a cat
Or stay in and play my Nintindo.
"Pathetic!" I heard a man shout
"And you call yourself a Boy Scout?!"
"When in the BB" oblig. (BB is short for Boys' Brigade)
"It's apparent to me"
"You must NOT let your Troop be wiped out!"
Fall in!
He shouted "You 'orrible lot!"
"What a shower of shit that I've got!"
Shoulders back, stand up straight
And hold out your plate!
And eat it all up while it's hot.
The trouble with riding a horse
In traffic and not on a course!
Is unknown to me
However, I flee
In case it gives grounds for divorce.
I'm back in the saddle once more
not minding that it mkaes me sore
If I grip with my thighs
I get quite a surprise [pen'll know what I mean :-b]
For I've found an old apple core
A duck à l'orange, if you please!
And to follow, the board a la cheese!
And then, ice de cream
(I'll pass on the bream)
Try 'a runner' but lose my car keys.
I once saw a duck mount a moose
Perhaps she thought it was a goose
This sexual perversion
And cervine coercion
Demolished a Norwegian Spruce.
You can't fit a moose in your mouth
Unlike ungulates of the Deep South
Over in the East
Raw elk is a feast
but they still prefer haggis in Louth
Those sirens are driving me mad!
'Snot as if I've been really that bad...
If I give in to the law [Puckoon] Louth is my home town... I'll grant you a temporary poetic licence for that blatant untruth.
They'll sound them much more
And at our drowning we'll be glad using poetic license to switch between two meanings of sirens
'Tis the season of snow and good cheer
Though there ain't much of that around here
White stuff's not falling
I think that's appalling
"Oh shut-up and drink up your beer." -
So, only six months until Summer! Woo-hoo!
It's less than the wait for a plumber
But slightly more wet
There's much winter yet
Don't remind me, it is such a bummer
So is it a foot or an inch?
You'll see if you give it a pinch
I can tell by the scale
Because I'm a male
You need a ten horsepower winch.
So much for my expectations!
[Chalky] haven't you forgotten something?
Chalky - So much for my expectations!
The Wichita Lineman - T'is the season of good will to all nations (repair over)
In short supply
*confused* - thought I posted the first line to a limerick?
Well that's what it looked like on my browser :-S
And who is the Witchita Lineman?
This is all getting very confusing. The Witchita Lineman is probably attributable to Glen Campbell who is a particularly good example of the dreadful American "country music" genre.

So, shall we try again, and hope Chalky's browser has been de-bugged.

Chalky - So much for my expectations!
Software - I was expecting congratulations

Oh Lordy - woss goin' on?
SW - I like American country music, OK? :-)
Anyway, I'm going to start the Limerick again whilst waiting for the Witchita Lineman to reveal him/her self ..
Chalky - So much for my expectations!
I fear that all these castrations
Will hamper my search
For a ball-bearing perch blimey!
oh hell... forget the bold 'blimey'
And my hopes of infant relations. [Chalks], Oh, so you're the one ;-)
Well, that was all rather confusing
Is it HTML we're abusing? (comment test)
Looks like a </b> tag has gorn astray somewhere. I can't fix it from here unfortunately, as I fall foul of the Bad HTML detector
Ah, found it. There's a </b tag at the end of the "horsepower winch" move above.
Internet abuse
Such spurious code
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