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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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There once were two dimwitted poets,
Who kept as pets boy and girl stoats "Poets"? Come on...
Their loud copulation (Puckoon) Who's the censor? You, matey, to judge by the message timing. If you can't think of a line then just sit this one out.
Was justification
For helping them on with their coats Needs a Lincolnshire accent for this one to rhyme, but it does work, honest. 'Coats' is 'Coo-arts', 'stoats' 'stoo-arts etc etc.

A return to more RP reciting
Does one not think these vowels sound inviting? Kudos to Darren for that nifty line 4
For rain falls in Spain
Ignore Michael Caine (Pen) That sounds more like Hartlepool to me, where the word "no" is two syllables, prounced "Noah" or "gnawer". Maybe it's an east-of-England thing.
Cause he’s more for free fiction writing.
Alas poor Yorick, my head I have lost,
Alas
It is mouldering in the compost
Its vacuous grin God, this is gruesome.
And this dastardly sin
Will be solvèd by Inspector Frost.
My thumb's fallen into my soup
Said Scoutmaster Bill, to his troop
"Don't shout too loud!"
Was the will of the crowd
"You'll get it back once you go poop."I have been silent too long. Just intervening to say I've been laughing along wit you [arteests] for some tyme now. *chuckle* Now carry on! [slinking back into the shadows] don't be alarmed by me raucous laughter.
The election's a fortnight away
And our nerves are beginning to fray
Now this time peace will win ...winning scansion forever!
'Cause Kerry's long chin
Will start charming people any day
Now
"Wear shiny plastic on your skin" gruntgrunt
And try to imagine you're thin good memory required
The semi-transparent
... just almost apparent ...
It looks like you're just wearing a grin.
The Cheshire Cat smiled and spoke thus:
"Because I just fade, there's a fuss"
"People wonder and stare"
''When I'm only part there''
"And that's why I'm wearing this truss."
For five hundred years I had thought
that happiness could always be bought (Projoy) the secret of your longevity being.....?
And was cheap at the price
....so much cheaper than rice…
But then I found I'd been "caught".
It's taken me ten years to find
The piece that fell out of my mind
It was here all the time
It must mean that I'm
What's left after Lechter had dined
To a nice piece of liver I'm partial
Before I'm up for my latest court martial
It'll cook up so fine
Judge and jury shall dine
and I my defences shall marshal.
Close reading of texts will reveal
The source of your minister's zeal
Chapter 3, verse 16
No, not that! You’re so mean!
You might get off on appeal
The problem with such hermeneutics
They're no match for the Gaul sage, Refutix
Cite chapter and verse
Till they rage, spit and curse
Then persist: they'll explode in a few ticks.
I read, in today's Daily Mail,
That Prince Philip's turned into a quail stranger things have happened
Her Maj is appalled
Though he was pretty old
but now she'll have eggs sans pareil. All right, male quails don't lay eggs.
It's often been said, down our way Or often been Sid, as I typed before...
That male quails don't lay eggs, unless gay
And those that they do Mmm, this is getting quite surreal.
Are just filled with goo
Bollocks! That's all just hearsay.
There was a young lady from Camden
Who always liked to keep her hand in
Quite where, we don't know
We suspect it was Bow
(It's the sort of place she'd make one "stand" in)
I've been told that the Tottenham Court Road
Is a bad place to be for a toad
But frogs are OK
,lightly killed, they say, Rather crunchy.
Unlike ferrets, which tend to explode. It happened nine times yesterday...
There was a young gent lived in Fulham limerick syntax declared
A hit with girls - boy, could he pull 'em!
For he was well endowed opening for abuse....
And oft stood rather proud never knowingly underestimated
And his silken words always would lull 'em
I'm standing in two feet of rain
Yes, my basement is flooded again
The waters are lapping unfinished sentence al...
And the kids are all clapping
the Medway - it's won yet again.
Outside it is blowing a hooley More bloody rough weather, eh Rosie?
And the rain pisses down most unduly (Actually, it's quite fine here and now.)
But whether the weather
goes mad altogether (Softers) Yes. Nasty but not dire. This one's been hyped up a bit, but the barometer will go quite low, even so.
Would depend on 'Hurricane Julie' / Be sure to lag both of your goolies - Bifurcating, with slight force
Remember, when out in the rain / "I'll say it to you, straight and plain" No idea what happens next. Maybe this is just an advert for The Furcation Game. We'll see.
That hail would be causing more pain / "Bend your knees when lifting, don't strain"
It could be so much worse / For the weight of this purse
Then I’ll call my sweet nurse / We deliver this verse:
And we'll try that nice treatment again / By Virgin, the strain's on the train
Giving rise to much 'booing' and 'hissing'
For to Gerrymander
is but to pander
a sort of backhanded ar*e kissing
I'm off to an Anne Summers do! (not been to one before - should I be apprehensive?)
To see things...that are mainly see-through (oh yes)
Some of them wobble and buzz (can I come?)
Respectfully, Bm, might that scan a little better if it were:
Some wobble and buzz
Some light up - this one does!
Like my glowing vibrator does too.... (....well, not mine but maybe Anne Zummer's....?)
Now bin Laden is talking again, (does 'poetry' and politics unite?)
At least he has not got a plane *carpentry invoked*
His call to surrender
In bra and suspender
Show his smalls must be causing him pain LOL the mental picture of BinLaden in bra and suspenders is a disturbingly funny one...
There once was this horny old goat,
Who made an odd sound in his throat
Which sounded just like...
An old motor bike
That was pow'red by a treadmill-bound stoat.
I hide in the depths of this pear
Eating tunnels that go here and there A limerick narrated by a maggot?
On reaching the core
I start outward once more
So when you take a bite have a care (nothing worse than finding half a maggot in your pear)
Who cares about this election?
Cried the Chinese girl in my direction.
The whole politburo
standing leady, theil heads glow (what do I know about politicians….?)
Whatever - there's f**k-all selection.
The time to take action is now
The road ahead's blocked by a cow
And the bovine obstruction
(By simple deduction)
Is worse than that caused by a sow.
The omission of the letter 'K'
Is useful in one certain way
If you find that you kneed (Oh, a play on words... maybe I'm slowly getting better)
A Knurd knamed Knaveed
He's over on Knorthampton Way
In Knaresborough, knaves know about knickers
A Subject that sometimes sees snickers [Rosie] Fiendish Aliteration count there
When wearing white woolies
To ward off the bullies Nice one, Rosie :-)
Be braced for a big bloke that bickers
America civilised? Pah!
'Bout time we realised, yah?
George Bush has English roots
Thinks after he shoots
The Yank's guzzle more gas - by far.
In Arabia, baby, a girl
Whose umbrella refused to unfurl
Had a trouble with wind
'Cos her mother had sinned
by sitting with her feet on a sill
My tumour grows large in the Fall
My humour, by contrast, grows small
My gloags start to spread
(I hasten to point out, btw, that I wrote that line before I saw the news story about Mrs Edwards)
and click inside my head
Believe me, that's not nice at all.
So, reasons to not give a **** (you decide!)
Include rudeness, forgetfulness, thrift, This censorship is out of hand, at least if you don't get a Christmas present.
But my favourite excuse
To politely refuse
Which will leave grammar purists well-miffed.
So, reasons to not give a f*** (again, your choice)
That the Dems are so down on their luck (not beating about the bush, as it were)
It's only four years (Though imagine if Bush got assassinated - Cheney would get the rest of his term, then undoubtedly be elected for a new one, and could stand for yet another at the end...)
Yet I have many fears
, not least that the chimp runs amok
A radio drama is good
That's what you say - well you would
But give me a present
That is effervescent
And doesn't do more than it should.
Rememeber, when you're in the car
The four round things go on the tar
The pointier end
Should be first round a bend
And Ford means "Found On Road Dead," har har.
Bear in mind, when alighting the train
Look right, then left, then right again
"Is this Liskeard (for Looe)?"
"Or New Street (for Crewe)?"
"No. It's a roundabout and you are a pain!"
A splendour rose up in the sky
"Hey, big splendour!" I heard Shirley cry
The splendour replied:
"I'm small and on my side;"
Ne'er again will I stargaze while high.
A duck, and a coin, and a shoe
Are things I have fished from the loo.
tramp steamers and trains
(they're big, they block drains) Not the only thing, I've found. :-(
And a TARDIS mislaid by Doc. Who
If it's good, then give it no thought
Don't bother with "should I?" or "ought...?"
Just jump right on in
It can't be a sin
unless of course you get caught. (Raak) Amazing coincidence: - My first attempt was exactly the same as yours only you got in first. Great Minds . . .
[Raak, Rose] Great minds? I beg to differ. Anoraks... ;o)
Such a thrill to be breaking the law
So I think that I'll do it some more [Pen] I've met Rosie and I can assure you he is not/doesn't wear an anorak.
Oh. Hello Inspector!
My name's Doctor Lecter
Excuse me while I eat Al Gore.
My cholesterol levels are high
'cos I'm overly fond of Gore Pie
Except for the crust
all covered in dust
from cremating that Arafat guy.
The great thing 'bout this time of night (Softers) Cheers. I did have a duffel coat at one time.
Is that nobody else is in sight ;-)
They'll never find out
I'm tickling trout
But why do they put up a fight?
A double deep black cherry pie
A fruity delight to my eye
With thick double cream
And fish oils of bream
Has just made me puke down my tie.
Don't talk to the oiks, Pollyanna
They're bound to hate your jolly manner
And as for your hair,
Well, to be fair,
I would call it brunette, but I canna. Yeah, yer annoying wee gingernut....
[Projoy] so you had nothing better to do on Sunday afternoon than watch crappy films too?
Christmas is coming they say
So I think that I just skip that day
And just have New Year [pen] Yes, it was so utterly syrupy, I got stuck to the sofa. I cheered when she got run over.
With three gallons of beer
And lots of loose women, wahey!
An elephant kiss'd me, m'lud!
Its trunk was most clearly no dud!
It sought out the parts
For refreshment by tarts coat!
which sounds like a joke by Roy Hudd. I know one of his scriptwriters. So that's where he gets them.
Exhibit A: Elephant, one
Exhibit B: half a swiss bun
The jury will find
(if it's that way inclined)
The rest in a great pile of . . . "what's brown and sounds like a bell"
Douglas Adams wrote "The Salmon of Doubt"
Working title "Faith Haddock Without"
But the draft wasn't finished
Adams' strength was diminished
The light of his life flickered out.
Tim Berners-Lee said of the web
"It makes me look less of a pleb."
"For I now wear flash suits"
"Gone are those zoots"
"Don't you think I resemble a deb?" That's enough of that!
As he jumped from the wardrobe, he said:
"I am wearing my pants on my head."
"and my socks on my thumb"
Which has made them go numb
"And smell oddly like garlic bread"
In the middle of writing an ode
to the hard men who dig up the road
I spied a strange man
Making tea in a can
While his body was painted with woad.
While attending a conference in Ghent
I found that my briefcase was bent
Its titanium hinge
Had developed a fringe
Of no use to a business-like gent
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