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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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They plan and they plot
And care not a jot
When spending our bank depositions.
My taxes so gladly I'll pay,
If you'll take Michael Howard away
Call men in white coats!
While he cackles and gloats
And makes like he's god's gift next May. 2005. Nah - surely not. He won't really WIN, will he?
A serious lot are the Swedes
Much given to wearing of Tweeds
They hammer and screw (Assembling those IKEA furniture)
and turn the air blue (Assembling those IKEA furniture)
with fumes from the smoking of weeds.
A frivolous lot are the Welsh
For scansion is left on the shelf
The same goes for rhyme
And tune, most of the time
And drinking on Sunday's I'm told
The Welsh are a frivolous lot - let's try that last idea out in a way that can actually be rhymed without recourse to the Star Trek Klingon Dictionary™
For their clothing they care not a jot! True. I wrapped one in tin foil today.
They can often be seen Curse that simulposting!!
in peninsular Lleyn (Bif) Yes, but we are deeply frivolous. There's a difference, inni' aye.
Knitting sweaters from seaweed and snot. http://www.lleynsheep.com/
Believe in your faith and you’ll see, Also a humble apology to all honest, frivolous but hard-working Welsh women and men!
The Welsh dragging snot from the sea
It gets caught in their rowlocks
And then removed by their cox
who sells it to tourists. Tee-hee!
welsh sea snot] I take it that you guys just stumbled upon that one ? Or have you perhaps tried Lava Bread ? para 7. Its basically seaweed/algae or similar and they mix it with oatmeal and make little cakes with it fried for breakfast. Marvellous stuff, though in it's pre oat added form it looks like a big pile of darkish green MUCAS.
Make that 'mucus', st d ;o)
I bake cakes with the stuff in my nose
With a pinch of jam found 'twixt my toes
And then sprinkle some
Of the fluff from my tum
It's good as a cure for all woes -- probably because once you eat this all your other problems will seem small in comparison :)
He nibbled her earlobe, then said: (all this food-talk makes me hungry...)
"Can I put some of this on my bread?"
She said, "Cut that out!"
"Or your ear I will clout!"
"You can't, 'S been eaten, You've fed!"
She served him a hot pie in bed, ...more food, now breakfast...
And rubbed warm goose grease on his head don't ask me where that came from
But in places below an oportunity for depravity, perhaps?
Whee no foodstuffs should go
Where Bugger, sorry..
He was subjected to leeches and bledThis sounds like a Michael Winner film
Well if that's what you think, I don't care!
I don't give a jot for your stare
Be off with you, fool
And as for your tool
, well, must cause you the greatest despair.
I once knew a farmer who said:
"O'ive no problem wi' rain on me 'ead"
"Now get orf me land"
"W'your marchin' band
"Or my roifle will soon make you dead." a happy end for that one!
Dear Father, please send fifty quid.
'Though I can't bear to say what I did
Don't ask any questions
About nasty infections You can tell that the University students have gone back cant you?
And d'you know a good name for a kid?
rofl at that last one...
It happened in old Monterrey
While enjoying the bracing sea spray
Due to great land erosion My geography is fairly poor, but isn't Monterrey inland? ;-)
If Toutatis had hit...
And my ships huge corrosion Noah made it inland didn't he (?) and my yacht is made of glass reinforced plasics but what he heck…
I could sail over land every day.
Toutatis has tried to board us! [Raak] Thanks for the inspiration
So I'll pack and leave with the next bus! (Space shuttle buses may become more common one future day....)
But in the act of escaping [Howie] - I thought it was a Cheese, but then again I know Jack!
A cake I was baking
Was launched from the oven toward us
His body dropped down like a stone
hit the ground with great smashing of bone
One more mountaineer
Now flying, Oh dear!....like an angel?
Approaches the heavenly throne.
The well-heeled folk of Sevenoaks
Turn noses up at lim’rick jokes
But with I M Pentameter
Their footwork is amateur
And fun at them everyone pokes
She said: May I teach you safe sex?
He replied: I'm more into safe hex
But activities in Binary
despite all the finery
Beats anything by Posh and Becks
She said: May I give you a tip?
He said "Not just now; I'm in knip"
But if you'll lend me a token
I'll leave Thorpe-le-Soken
And thankfully kiss your red lip. ....or: Getting rid of your stiff upper lip?
It’s Friday, let’s meet at the Pub,
[Marc] Love to, but I'm off to my club
It's highly exclusive - don't ya know
Because I'm reclusive
But please don't take this as a snub!
wonderful stuff!
Chalky - My brain is too full - I'm in shock
I shall hide in this grandfather clock
I just hope that the bob-weights
don't tickle my knob, mates,
Then grandpa’s for sure starts to rock![Rosie]...I thought you were a honourable woman!?
She giggled and said: “What is that?”
"It's a teapot on top of my hat!"
"If I want some tea," [Marc] Did you really not know that Rosie's a man??
"you must bow to me" (Marc) Wildly wrong on both counts. :-) See http://www.geocities.com/pantsmcprofiles/profiles.html
Why did it come out with all those spaces, but not this time?
Then I’ll kick your ass, said Cheshire cat [Rosie] No wonder then that I thought the fading scent from your lines was more like ‘Axe Marine', but my smelling sense is not so good any more.....
John Howard will never be gone!
"He goes on and on". (Anon) (Marc) Yerssss. I do wash y'know. :-)
So here's what I think:
We could all use a drink - though this is probably true at any time and not just 'cos of the Aussie elections :)
To celebrate (down-under) erection’s withdrawn?
My butler is off for tonight, (sorry all, of course I meant election !)
And he's left the house looking a fright Of course you did Marc :)
Because it is haunted
By spooks I'll be taunted
But I'm Dracula so off for a bite
"Do you have to go, Laura?" I said
"I thought you'd like Dawn of the Dead"
"They look just like you."
"Have not got a clue,"
"How do you get a girl into bed?"
She will get into bed when she's ready
With curlers and mudpack and teddy
Phooar, sexy mudpacks! Mmm!
Her nightgown is woolly
And covers her fully sorry, couldn't resist
Cor blimey! This outfit is heady! Haaang on...are we talking Teddy as in skimpy diaphanous-yet-wooly garment held together with "strategically placed snap fastenings" (hurhurhur) or were you thinking more along the lines of a clockwork Ursus Somnolus that sings "Walzing Matilda"?
There once was a dimwitted poet,
A Crescenter. Wouldn't you know it?
The name - I'll reveal
His ineptitude Stress shift required.
BUGGER! Didn't see you there, Darren. I'll have another go.
Not David Baddiel? Tiresome git. This is my actual contribution, BTW.
But ------- BLUE PENCIL -------
Sorry can't allow that to be seem
So who let that censor in here?
There once were two dimwitted poets,
Who kept as pets boy and girl stoats "Poets"? Come on...
Their loud copulation (Puckoon) Who's the censor? You, matey, to judge by the message timing. If you can't think of a line then just sit this one out.
Was justification
For helping them on with their coats Needs a Lincolnshire accent for this one to rhyme, but it does work, honest. 'Coats' is 'Coo-arts', 'stoats' 'stoo-arts etc etc.

A return to more RP reciting
Does one not think these vowels sound inviting? Kudos to Darren for that nifty line 4
For rain falls in Spain
Ignore Michael Caine (Pen) That sounds more like Hartlepool to me, where the word "no" is two syllables, prounced "Noah" or "gnawer". Maybe it's an east-of-England thing.
Cause he’s more for free fiction writing.
Alas poor Yorick, my head I have lost,
Alas
It is mouldering in the compost
Its vacuous grin God, this is gruesome.
And this dastardly sin
Will be solvèd by Inspector Frost.
My thumb's fallen into my soup
Said Scoutmaster Bill, to his troop
"Don't shout too loud!"
Was the will of the crowd
"You'll get it back once you go poop."I have been silent too long. Just intervening to say I've been laughing along wit you [arteests] for some tyme now. *chuckle* Now carry on! [slinking back into the shadows] don't be alarmed by me raucous laughter.
The election's a fortnight away
And our nerves are beginning to fray
Now this time peace will win ...winning scansion forever!
'Cause Kerry's long chin
Will start charming people any day
Now
"Wear shiny plastic on your skin" gruntgrunt
And try to imagine you're thin good memory required
The semi-transparent
... just almost apparent ...
It looks like you're just wearing a grin.
The Cheshire Cat smiled and spoke thus:
"Because I just fade, there's a fuss"
"People wonder and stare"
''When I'm only part there''
"And that's why I'm wearing this truss."
For five hundred years I had thought
that happiness could always be bought (Projoy) the secret of your longevity being.....?
And was cheap at the price
....so much cheaper than rice…
But then I found I'd been "caught".
It's taken me ten years to find
The piece that fell out of my mind
It was here all the time
It must mean that I'm
What's left after Lechter had dined
To a nice piece of liver I'm partial
Before I'm up for my latest court martial
It'll cook up so fine
Judge and jury shall dine
and I my defences shall marshal.
Close reading of texts will reveal
The source of your minister's zeal
Chapter 3, verse 16
No, not that! You’re so mean!
You might get off on appeal
The problem with such hermeneutics
They're no match for the Gaul sage, Refutix
Cite chapter and verse
Till they rage, spit and curse
Then persist: they'll explode in a few ticks.
I read, in today's Daily Mail,
That Prince Philip's turned into a quail stranger things have happened
Her Maj is appalled
Though he was pretty old
but now she'll have eggs sans pareil. All right, male quails don't lay eggs.
It's often been said, down our way Or often been Sid, as I typed before...
That male quails don't lay eggs, unless gay
And those that they do Mmm, this is getting quite surreal.
Are just filled with goo
Bollocks! That's all just hearsay.
There was a young lady from Camden
Who always liked to keep her hand in
Quite where, we don't know
We suspect it was Bow
(It's the sort of place she'd make one "stand" in)
I've been told that the Tottenham Court Road
Is a bad place to be for a toad
But frogs are OK
,lightly killed, they say, Rather crunchy.
Unlike ferrets, which tend to explode. It happened nine times yesterday...
There was a young gent lived in Fulham limerick syntax declared
A hit with girls - boy, could he pull 'em!
For he was well endowed opening for abuse....
And oft stood rather proud never knowingly underestimated
And his silken words always would lull 'em
I'm standing in two feet of rain
Yes, my basement is flooded again
The waters are lapping unfinished sentence al...
And the kids are all clapping
the Medway - it's won yet again.
Outside it is blowing a hooley More bloody rough weather, eh Rosie?
And the rain pisses down most unduly (Actually, it's quite fine here and now.)
But whether the weather
goes mad altogether (Softers) Yes. Nasty but not dire. This one's been hyped up a bit, but the barometer will go quite low, even so.
Would depend on 'Hurricane Julie' / Be sure to lag both of your goolies - Bifurcating, with slight force
Remember, when out in the rain / "I'll say it to you, straight and plain" No idea what happens next. Maybe this is just an advert for The Furcation Game. We'll see.
That hail would be causing more pain / "Bend your knees when lifting, don't strain"
It could be so much worse / For the weight of this purse
Then I’ll call my sweet nurse / We deliver this verse:
And we'll try that nice treatment again / By Virgin, the strain's on the train
Giving rise to much 'booing' and 'hissing'
For to Gerrymander
is but to pander
a sort of backhanded ar*e kissing
I'm off to an Anne Summers do! (not been to one before - should I be apprehensive?)
To see things...that are mainly see-through (oh yes)
Some of them wobble and buzz (can I come?)
Respectfully, Bm, might that scan a little better if it were:
Some wobble and buzz
Some light up - this one does!
Like my glowing vibrator does too.... (....well, not mine but maybe Anne Zummer's....?)
Now bin Laden is talking again, (does 'poetry' and politics unite?)
At least he has not got a plane *carpentry invoked*
His call to surrender
In bra and suspender
Show his smalls must be causing him pain LOL the mental picture of BinLaden in bra and suspenders is a disturbingly funny one...
There once was this horny old goat,
Who made an odd sound in his throat
Which sounded just like...
An old motor bike
That was pow'red by a treadmill-bound stoat.
I hide in the depths of this pear
Eating tunnels that go here and there A limerick narrated by a maggot?
On reaching the core
I start outward once more
So when you take a bite have a care (nothing worse than finding half a maggot in your pear)
Who cares about this election?
Cried the Chinese girl in my direction.
The whole politburo
standing leady, theil heads glow (what do I know about politicians….?)
Whatever - there's f**k-all selection.
The time to take action is now
The road ahead's blocked by a cow
And the bovine obstruction
(By simple deduction)
Is worse than that caused by a sow.
The omission of the letter 'K'
Is useful in one certain way
If you find that you kneed (Oh, a play on words... maybe I'm slowly getting better)
A Knurd knamed Knaveed
He's over on Knorthampton Way
In Knaresborough, knaves know about knickers
A Subject that sometimes sees snickers [Rosie] Fiendish Aliteration count there
When wearing white woolies
To ward off the bullies Nice one, Rosie :-)
Be braced for a big bloke that bickers
America civilised? Pah!
'Bout time we realised, yah?
George Bush has English roots
Thinks after he shoots
The Yank's guzzle more gas - by far.
In Arabia, baby, a girl
Whose umbrella refused to unfurl
Had a trouble with wind
'Cos her mother had sinned
by sitting with her feet on a sill
My tumour grows large in the Fall
My humour, by contrast, grows small
My gloags start to spread
(I hasten to point out, btw, that I wrote that line before I saw the news story about Mrs Edwards)
and click inside my head
Believe me, that's not nice at all.
So, reasons to not give a **** (you decide!)
Include rudeness, forgetfulness, thrift, This censorship is out of hand, at least if you don't get a Christmas present.
But my favourite excuse
To politely refuse
Which will leave grammar purists well-miffed.
So, reasons to not give a f*** (again, your choice)
That the Dems are so down on their luck (not beating about the bush, as it were)
It's only four years (Though imagine if Bush got assassinated - Cheney would get the rest of his term, then undoubtedly be elected for a new one, and could stand for yet another at the end...)
Yet I have many fears
, not least that the chimp runs amok
A radio drama is good
That's what you say - well you would
But give me a present
That is effervescent
And doesn't do more than it should.
Rememeber, when you're in the car
The four round things go on the tar
The pointier end
Should be first round a bend
And Ford means "Found On Road Dead," har har.
Bear in mind, when alighting the train
Look right, then left, then right again
"Is this Liskeard (for Looe)?"
"Or New Street (for Crewe)?"
"No. It's a roundabout and you are a pain!"
A splendour rose up in the sky
"Hey, big splendour!" I heard Shirley cry
The splendour replied:
"I'm small and on my side;"
Ne'er again will I stargaze while high.
A duck, and a coin, and a shoe
Are things I have fished from the loo.
tramp steamers and trains
(they're big, they block drains) Not the only thing, I've found. :-(
And a TARDIS mislaid by Doc. Who
If it's good, then give it no thought
Don't bother with "should I?" or "ought...?"
Just jump right on in
It can't be a sin
unless of course you get caught. (Raak) Amazing coincidence: - My first attempt was exactly the same as yours only you got in first. Great Minds . . .
[Raak, Rose] Great minds? I beg to differ. Anoraks... ;o)
Such a thrill to be breaking the law
So I think that I'll do it some more [Pen] I've met Rosie and I can assure you he is not/doesn't wear an anorak.
Oh. Hello Inspector!
My name's Doctor Lecter
Excuse me while I eat Al Gore.
My cholesterol levels are high
'cos I'm overly fond of Gore Pie
Except for the crust
all covered in dust
from cremating that Arafat guy.
The great thing 'bout this time of night (Softers) Cheers. I did have a duffel coat at one time.
Is that nobody else is in sight ;-)
They'll never find out
I'm tickling trout
But why do they put up a fight?
A double deep black cherry pie
A fruity delight to my eye
With thick double cream
And fish oils of bream
Has just made me puke down my tie.
Don't talk to the oiks, Pollyanna
They're bound to hate your jolly manner
And as for your hair,
Well, to be fair,
I would call it brunette, but I canna. Yeah, yer annoying wee gingernut....
[Projoy] so you had nothing better to do on Sunday afternoon than watch crappy films too?
Christmas is coming they say
So I think that I just skip that day
And just have New Year [pen] Yes, it was so utterly syrupy, I got stuck to the sofa. I cheered when she got run over.
With three gallons of beer
And lots of loose women, wahey!
An elephant kiss'd me, m'lud!
Its trunk was most clearly no dud!
It sought out the parts
For refreshment by tarts coat!
which sounds like a joke by Roy Hudd. I know one of his scriptwriters. So that's where he gets them.
Exhibit A: Elephant, one
Exhibit B: half a swiss bun
The jury will find
(if it's that way inclined)
The rest in a great pile of . . . "what's brown and sounds like a bell"
Douglas Adams wrote "The Salmon of Doubt"
Working title "Faith Haddock Without"
But the draft wasn't finished
Adams' strength was diminished
The light of his life flickered out.
Tim Berners-Lee said of the web
"It makes me look less of a pleb."
"For I now wear flash suits"
"Gone are those zoots"
"Don't you think I resemble a deb?" That's enough of that!
As he jumped from the wardrobe, he said:
"I am wearing my pants on my head."
"and my socks on my thumb"
Which has made them go numb
"And smell oddly like garlic bread"
In the middle of writing an ode
to the hard men who dig up the road
I spied a strange man
Making tea in a can
While his body was painted with woad.
While attending a conference in Ghent
I found that my briefcase was bent
Its titanium hinge
Had developed a fringe
Of no use to a business-like gent
The good folk of Buckfastleigh, Devon
All retire to bed around seven
For they get up at eleven (oops this is going to be an all lines rhyme limerick)
Read a book by Nye Bevan
and pray that they go to heaven
When standing alone in the dark
I disrobed, to my vest, for a lark.
I re-dressed in a hurry
when a truck load of slurry
Escaped (stained my shirt with a mark).
The trouble with loaning out bees
is thay always come back with strained knees Hern
Quite why this is so
I really don't know
But a physicist might for some fees (according to Physics, a bumblebee can't fly).
A stalactite falls from the roof
Wooky Hole provides us with proof quite splendid caves there, well worth a visit
That if no-one is there
does anyone care? - Who gives a Hern
Or are we completely aloof?
There once was a student in Leeds
Whose ambition was spreading his seeds
So of he went clubbing
while elm seeds dropping
And satisfied all of his needs.
"MY GOD" said her lady in waiting
"Her Ladyship's gorn out nude skating!"
"If she slips on her front"
"She may bear the brunt"
Of two Green Carpet Moths mating
It's about time I started a round I'm getting fed-up just drawing lines for other people.
"Frère Jacques" will do - nice sound.
"Sur le pont d'Avignon"
Si vous dirai-je mamman
Tut, tut. Our French is not good, I'll be bound!
There once was a frozen lake [previous limerick] it's not bad, and I'd know. I see bad French all the time - generally in my own notes. sigh.
Whose ice would many a maid take
The maids were not found (not aimed at anyone in particular, but players unsure of the best rhythm for a limerick might find this useful. (Rhymes are, luckily, more intuitive).
Actually, this page is a bit more user-friendly.
Above the cold ground
Sorry, it doesn't quite scan, so how about this, which keeps the original as much as poss -

There once was a large frozen lake
Whose ice would many maids take
The maids were not found
Above the cold ground
But below, astride the giant hake!

Huzzah! for brave snorgle; how quick!
She loves to display her new trick.
She scans like a dream
Just a pity the rest are so thick.
The man who came to fix my door [p,D,P,MD,B] Best for a while - the metric feet are dancing!
Left a ruddy great hole in the floor 'Twas on the Monday morning
His extremely large tool
He had placed in my stool ouch!
I'm still not quite sure what it's for.
The Alpha lost his Iota
Which took him beneath his set quota
The Beta protested
So the Gamma arrested
The Alpha for breaking the rota.
A Thesaurus is a very strange book
It won't help you garden or cook
Though Roget's compiling
often helps me when filing is no-one gonna complain about dodgy lines for a while then?
But it's no use to Peregrin Took
*grumble grumble*
Look at me! I can perfectly scan!
That he said as he shat in the fan!
Scatologically
There's an appology
For mistaking the fan for the pan. Honestly, I despair, sometimes!
Poor Kim's on the verge of despair
But truthfully, folks. Do you care?
For the world's never right
Full of envy and spite
And people with egg in their hair.
Let's all go and verb some new words!
And devariate a few herds
I've started to battle
With glaive and atlatl
I've joined the neologian nerds!
hmm - didn't actually intend to press the 'submit' button, but it's done now ... serves me right for multi-tasking
"I'm surrounded by fools!" I cried this is 100% true.
And, quite shortly after, I died
It just serves me right
For talking such shite
Now Hell's jaws, for my soul, open wide.
There was a young fellow from Barrow (Chalky) Wot - you got a cuppa tea there 'n' all.
Who grew a remarkable marrow
He took it to fair
But it could not compare
With Sid's prize-winning tap-dancing sparrow. [Rosie - yeah ... and the rest]
My job at the City Sperm Bank,....I'm very impressed by above sparrow-limerick, well done!
Makes use of a very large crank
When turned, it produces
A wide range of juices
And all for the price of a spank!
Fantastic!
When's the best time to eat bread?
While bathing or when you're in bed?
.. and as toast or just slices?
With jam or fried mices?
try rats and you'll just end up dead!
Clam up or start spilling the beans?
I'm sure you all know what that means!
Foul-spoken slang
with a south London twang I don't even need to try.
Is polite banter in Milton Keynes.
I live for the taste of curried beans
That just doesn't scan right, does it? How about...
I live for the hot taste of beans
Dripped over the neighbourhood queens
or bronx, brooklyn, staten
An' I'm estimatin'
oi u can't go around changing the start line! Where's the challange in that? I shall now sulk for the next 40 nights...........
[widey] We've only got one nights.
[SM] "One nights"?
Darren] ...and one Simons too.
widey - it didn't scan! And Simons - does that rhyme? Bah, I'm turning into Rosie!
The beans were produced by Peek Freans.
Today is the day that the bears... (unfinished sentence alert).
...will go hibernating downstairs, (do polar-bears hibernate?)
So lock up your fridge
To a nearby bridge
so as not to get court unawares [Marc] Of cause they don't, don't be silly, they do there best hunting in the dark, how else can they creep up on the Penguins?
With no more than a piece of elastic, [Puckoon] CAUGHT CAUGHT CAUGHT CAUGHT CAUGHT. Spleen vented; sorry.
I essayed a, épaulement fantastic
That's I essayed an épaulement fantastic
it delighted the crowds [everyone] STOP ARGUING! there's only one nights.
who hoisted their shrouds nights] What happened to the other one thousand then? More downsizing?
They don't know my hip's made of plastic.
I pulled, and I grunted, and groaned
And forgot my bold tags as well :-(
I tugged and I panted and moaned
But still I could not
shift Stonehenge one jot (snorgle) You'll need to acquire, ahem, certain features. But I'm sure you knew that anyway. :-)
So it's off to the Tor to get stoned
I essay a stunning jetée
(zhet-ay)
Followed through with a graceful plié (plee-ay)
But my battement tendu
Was pas bien comprendu
And everyone's calling me gay! boom-boom
When alone, with my "great" plans
I call in my legion of fans
They bow down before me
And all call me Normy
Disturbingly, most drive white vans.
On a recent visit to Devon
I refuelled at a small 7-11
I misread the sign
For the A339
and I'm now on the A327 help!
Be careful, be wary, be wise!
For all that they tell you is lies!
but I don't believe it
not one little bit
but they will ask, "Who ate all the pies?"
Oscar Wilde was a very great wit,
but others just think he was shit,
some like him a bit,
some call him a hit,
and others would cover him with grit.
Showing off I know but what the heck...
Now, Oscar, he's gone off to glory
That might be the end of his story
For those with such pride
(And Lions to hide)
the rest, I'm afraid, is too gory.
I'm looking out of my window
O'er the hillocks of blustery Findo
I must wear a hat
Made out of a cat
Or stay in and play my Nintindo.
"Pathetic!" I heard a man shout
"And you call yourself a Boy Scout?!"
"When in the BB" oblig. (BB is short for Boys' Brigade)
"It's apparent to me"
"You must NOT let your Troop be wiped out!"
Fall in!
He shouted "You 'orrible lot!"
"What a shower of shit that I've got!"
Shoulders back, stand up straight
And hold out your plate!
And eat it all up while it's hot.
The trouble with riding a horse
In traffic and not on a course!
Is unknown to me
However, I flee
In case it gives grounds for divorce.
I'm back in the saddle once more
not minding that it mkaes me sore
If I grip with my thighs
I get quite a surprise [pen'll know what I mean :-b]
For I've found an old apple core
A duck à l'orange, if you please!
And to follow, the board a la cheese!
And then, ice de cream
(I'll pass on the bream)
Try 'a runner' but lose my car keys.
I once saw a duck mount a moose
Perhaps she thought it was a goose
This sexual perversion
And cervine coercion
Demolished a Norwegian Spruce.
You can't fit a moose in your mouth
Unlike ungulates of the Deep South
Over in the East
Raw elk is a feast
but they still prefer haggis in Louth
Those sirens are driving me mad!
'Snot as if I've been really that bad...
If I give in to the law [Puckoon] Louth is my home town... I'll grant you a temporary poetic licence for that blatant untruth.
They'll sound them much more
And at our drowning we'll be glad using poetic license to switch between two meanings of sirens
'Tis the season of snow and good cheer
Though there ain't much of that around here
White stuff's not falling
I think that's appalling
"Oh shut-up and drink up your beer." -
So, only six months until Summer! Woo-hoo!
It's less than the wait for a plumber
But slightly more wet
There's much winter yet
Don't remind me, it is such a bummer
So is it a foot or an inch?
You'll see if you give it a pinch
I can tell by the scale
Because I'm a male
You need a ten horsepower winch.
So much for my expectations!
[Chalky] haven't you forgotten something?
Chalky - So much for my expectations!
The Wichita Lineman - T'is the season of good will to all nations (repair over)
In short supply
*confused* - thought I posted the first line to a limerick?
Well that's what it looked like on my browser :-S
And who is the Witchita Lineman?
This is all getting very confusing. The Witchita Lineman is probably attributable to Glen Campbell who is a particularly good example of the dreadful American "country music" genre.

So, shall we try again, and hope Chalky's browser has been de-bugged.

Chalky - So much for my expectations!
Software - I was expecting congratulations

Oh Lordy - woss goin' on?
SW - I like American country music, OK? :-)
Anyway, I'm going to start the Limerick again whilst waiting for the Witchita Lineman to reveal him/her self ..
Chalky - So much for my expectations!
I fear that all these castrations
Will hamper my search
For a ball-bearing perch blimey!
oh hell... forget the bold 'blimey'
And my hopes of infant relations. [Chalks], Oh, so you're the one ;-)
Well, that was all rather confusing
Is it HTML we're abusing? (comment test)
Looks like a </b> tag has gorn astray somewhere. I can't fix it from here unfortunately, as I fall foul of the Bad HTML detector
Ah, found it. There's a </b tag at the end of the "horsepower winch" move above.
Internet abuse
Such spurious code
Was that AXI's move? Maybe it was, so:

Uncle Korky - Well, that was all rather confusing
Projoy - Is it HTML we're abusing?
AXI - Internet abuse
Software - Is strictly no use

If the good guys always end up losing.
"Go away", I explode in my fury
Going nuclear like old Marie Curie
and do not come back
'Til you've found me that hack
That knobbled the judge and the jury.
"Stand back! It's a rabid mince pie!"
"One scratch from its fangs and you'll die!"
Though it's crust looks quite tasty
My decision was hasty
And now up in heaven I sigh. .. hmm .. bit wobbly on the tenses, that one.
Impartial advice is quite rare
And even then, to be fair
I seldom take heed
Carpe Diem's my creed
I just do what I want with my hair
Eating beans and fly fishing with Hartley
At a village in Wiltshire called Startley
I caused quite a stir
'cos I mimicked the burr
So the trout leapt and slapped my face smartly.
PLastic surg'ry to lengthen my spine
They said silicone implants were fine
But my facelift went "phutt"
Any now looks like my butt
Any --> And
Which is great! So I've no need to whine.
[SW] Do we really need all these hyperlinks?
Chalky - Buff up your German and write
'My German is shiny and bright!' - That's what you meant, isn't it, Chalky?
Then give him a roast
After that, you can boast: unfini...
'It's bangers and mash nächster zeit'
'My Bach is müch worse than my bite'. [alternative and much better ending - serves me right for getting distracted by that minx penelope when we're supposed to be hard at work. Anyway - apologies for hogging the game - over to you lot ...
A present is under the tree
I really hope it's for me
It's a very strange shape
and all are agape (Chalky) But is it verse zen your Cherman Bight?
So I'll open it and we will all see.
"..and so, in summation", he said,
"As thrilled as I am with this... head,"
"The other missing bits..."
(toes, teeth and tits)
"Will shortly mean I'll end up dead."
In a fight with the monster King Kong,
I realised something was wrong
For a start, he was tiny
and his nose it was shiny
And he emitted a terrible pong!
While paying for something by Visa
I was heckled by old Ebenezer
"Bah, humbug!" he cried
"I don't care who's died, This quote left deliberately open
cos I am a grumpy old geezer!" - this quote deliberately closed :D
I can't see the wood for the trees
And I can't see the pod for the peas
or the grass for the blades
Or my feet for the shades
I've got an oc-u-lar disease!
Prepare for the onslaught, my friend!
With pistols at dawn, make amend!
The revolution is here
Our aim? It's not clear
Oh just how will it all end.
With a bang, not a whimper, I fear!
That's how Iraq will end the old year
But not every place
With a US army base
will necessarily cheer.
And so, Merry Christmas to all!
I hope that you all had a ball
And all those at work
For whom it must irk
To be 24/7 on call.
So 2004's nearly done
I just wish it had been much more fun
In 2005
I will not deprive
The world of my second-best pun. oh yes - it's a killer ...
Happy New Year, to one and to all
And may your big things not grow small
If this should occur
due to alcohols blur
then piss up against that there wall. Plunge the knife, then, Chalky.:-)
Your target is 30 feet high
(For the Jolly Green Giant must die!)
I'll take my pea-shooter
(Blow legumes up his hooter)
And cook up his veg in a pie!
In spite of the blustery weather
I'm off for a tramp through the heather
'Cos the wind up my kilt
When I run at full tilt
Will toughen my scotum to leather oh dear oh dear oh dear....
I must say that I'm shocked and appalled! Nah, not really.
not to mention disgusted and galled [pen] what's a scotum? have I got one?
At the thought that someone
Should feel moved to con - [hey snorgs - where you beeeeen?]
us to thinking that this game had stalled! [nights] probably not yet, as you're still only very young ;o)
It was wrong, I admit and I'm sorry
To take her to a disused quarry ...bit dark perhaps?
But in my defence
I gave her ten pence
Then let her get out of the lorry dark indeed....
It's dark, deeply sordid, and wrong
Let's lighten the mood with a song
About fluffy chicks
Who go to the flicks
In pink feather boa and thong
The judge stood up straight and orated - Chalky - here and Dublin - just haven't had time to post!
The verdict that I had awaited:
"On the charge of fraud - guilty!"
And 'though not well-built, he
Smiled like a man being fellated
innocent whistling
My feet are too big for my shoes !
I've been wearing a pair of canoes!
But they haven't, as yet unfini...
Let me down in the wet
So I've booked for a trans-urban cruise. .. bon voyage
My balls itch so bad...
Stimpy, that line is WAY too short. It should be AT LEAST 7 syllables. Unless it was just a general comment - in which case, see your doctor!
If you find that your balls have an itch
Dip them into a tub of hot pitch
While it might make them swell
it's just as well
that your sex life was never that rich. (Raak) you're a sadist, man/
I find proper grammer attractive
Which suggests that my sex life's inactive
When I see a subjunctive
(Would it were conjuctive)
My libido becomes hyperactive
there once was a man from tashkent
Who, somehow, contrived to invent
A portable hole
and an inverted pole
And a corkscrew that was straight and not bent.
meanwhile, an old woman in Essex see how pretty things can be on these things?
Lay a claim to the Duchy of Wessex
The root of her title
Was a deed to a pightle
(bought with numerous fraudulent checks) (nights)What things?
at the same time, in darkest frome [snorgle] these forums on the INTarWeB, they can be so pretty when everyone works together
A maiden was lured to her doom [nights] we've visited frome before... ;o)
A talll man in black
who smelt like a yak and had a 50% excess in the "L" department. Better than three buttocks, I suppose.
Tickled her bits with a broom
A one-legged man from porthcawl as we are in this mode
Got pinned up against a brick wall
But with one mighty hop
He sprung into a shop
and gave the police a call [pen] what on earth FOR?
A disabled old bailiff from York
Had a peg-leg, capped off with a cork [nights] To argue about its pronunciation, of course!
His hand was a hook
His belly - it shook
whenever threatened with a spork [pen] there's no point - somerset people rarely see reason...
A train bound for South Abertawe
Was last seen en route to Malawi Hi all.
The points were set wrong Now, does everybody know that the last two syllables (out of the 4) of Abertawe rhyme, more or less, with the first 2 syllables of "sou' wester" and, furthermore, it's only bloody Swansea in Welsh anyway. I'll get the breakdown gang. :-)
Just outside Kampong
When some hitchikers yelled "Going our way?"      No, Rosie - well at least not me.
Hitchikers are normal people but they do occasionally drop their aitches.
*grumble* Banter Game?

Chalky - If you race round the M25

Between 4 and a quarter to 5 [Rosie] This site says ta weh. I did check...honest. :-)
You might see the ghost
Of the last man to post
That is, if Chalky's left him alive! *enters Witness Protection Programme*
Come on, guys, pay attention to the correct stresses of the syllables in the scansion... that last line *simply* *does* *not* *work* in any way, shape or form. Please learn how a limerick works.
I know that I'm quite the offender
When I go on a fifty day bender
But my very besht friend
Tries to pretend
That he is my staunchest defender.
The trouble with being a pedant JLE] It could work (possibly) without that rogue comma - stress on if and left, that is more like that's?
Is you're less well beloved than a red ant
And as hierarchies go
Red ants score quite low
So ease up and you'll be more pleasant. =)
Quite terrible things will occur
should it be that you fail to concur
So now you'll agree
You really want me
Even though I'm a "he" not a "her"
If you wish to determine my sex
You'll have to sign seven blank cheques
Stick three up your arse,
At the others, throw darts
And give both my cheeks sev'ral pecks
'A new lease of life' is a phrase
That is true in just so many ways
But it doesn't apply
To the mote in my eye
That afflicts me today of all days
I gambled, and now it's all lost
as they say in Brum, it's all "bost"
It's back to the streets
Dressed in re-cycled sheets
of old wallpaper, nicely embossed.
Playing golf, I am twelve over par
'Cos I can't hit the ball very far
I find when I swing
(and now, here's the thing)
I'm losing control of the car
My handicap now is just four
little mites crawling 'round on the floor
Must find a solution
To nappy pollution
Perhaps I'll just show 'em the door...
Some music has ended the day
The Birdie Song sent us away
Although it was naff
A friendly chiff-chaff
Set all our hips asway.
Instead of complaining all day
The Birdie Song is what we'll play
Or perhaps Agadoo
or Kajagoogoo
or 'Shaddup your face' by Joe Dolcé.
I can't get it out of my head
My brain (which is really learned)
This heavy gold mind
Is a burden, I find
So I never get up out of bed.
I once wrote a line that was good
And hid it in my Christmas pud
I poured custard on it
And then ate my sonnet
And now 'writer's block's understood
I opened the cupboard to find
I've clearly gone out of my mind
the jams and the sauces
And other resources
Are gone - all I have's bacon rind.
Your starter for ten runs like this:
What's the pH of elephant piss?
And if no-one knows
I shall have to suppose
The answer lies in the abyss
These Limericks are making no sense
Any more than pounds, shillings and pence
But the payment we get
Shows demand's being met
For rhyme that's banal, crass and dense.
Book early to get the best fare
Let the train take the strain if you dare
But if your destination
Is a Northern Line station
Dress boldly - clothe yourself in Edgeware!
Reselling my clothes on ebay
I blindly gave myself away
When I sold my best garter
I fumbled the barter
I went to the grocery store yesterday
The key to a pithy last line
Was lost on the banks of the Tyne
The poet, ashamed,
on dyslexia blamed,
His failure to lyrically shine
There's naught I like more than to shout
At the lads "C'mon, get it out!"
I'm sometimes surprised [nice one muttleee :-)]
That something so prized
Is so rarely bandied about
You'll get your extremities cold T/s/C/D/C - excellent!
Unless you will do what you're told
So I'm telling you now
Stick your hands in a cow © Dunx
Or a maiden from Stow-on-the-Wold
Cotswold ladies can react quite badly
When seduced by a schoolboy from Radley
They throw up their arms
And expose all their charms
Which are not all that charming, quite sadly
Until now I had never known fear
But my arm is now stuck up the rear unfinished sentence alert
Of a gestating cow
and what I need now
Is a booking on Brighton's West Pier
I've booked a half-page colour space bloody newspapers
(On which to emblazon my face)
It may cost a lot
but I'll give it a shot
My address is attached - just in case.
I threw up my arms in dismay
Distraught at the death of Fay Wray
at the hands of a monkey
So sprightly and spunky
a girl was gorilla paté.
The disturbance this evening in Maine god, I hope nothing's actually happened in Maine
For news of which we search in vain If we're that sad.
I am told was a shocker
It took place in a locker
But no trace of events do remain. ... bugger
Explosive and dangerous stuff
is Marmite stains on a shirt cuff
For, when they ignite,
Not even "Allbrite"
Can douse the flames quite well enough.
When rain stops play at Trent Bridge
I immediately dive for the fridge
In its depths I discover
My previous lover
That's Mary (with Mungo and Midge)
A cloak of the finest azure
With sequins and feathers galore
Is the best thing to wear
When you have an affair
And it beats 'doing it' on the floor
A dog and a cat and a hat
An ice-skate and large cricket bat
A man, a canal,
A plan quite banal
The result? An unsolved dingbat.
Most people who went to my school
Epitomised liminal cool
The rest of the nerds
Who travelled in herds
Are the ones who are destined to rule.
It's true that us nerds have an edge nice finish, Raak
In signing the temperance pledge
Because we can't drink
We think we can think
With more than our meat and two veg.
Confucius said: “This new year,”
just adding a tiny syllable ...
Confucius he said: "This new year
Will bring forth a glorious fruit beer.
It's flavoured with lichees
And, doing your tai chis,
will get you slung out on your ear.
Whilst on the razz, dressed as a nun
I happened upon a shotgun
I'd no need to worry
As I was in Surrey
A great place to be 'on the run'
Your honour, I plead mitigation
Because of this strange litigation
I'm stuck in this dock
Because of my cock a doodle doo
which I exposed at East Croydon station. What's the problem? Nobody would notice because they're all wittering into their sodding mobiles. (Tuj) Bad luck!
The judge showed no mercy at all continuing the story...
and had me chained up to a ball
He duly proclaimed Rosie] for the sake of decency, it could still be an animal...
I deserved to be blamed
For the rate of exchange in Nepal
The answers which all of us seek
Will be broadcast on telly next week
When Richard and Judy
And an overweight foodie
Will consume a quarter-ton leek
Whilst overindulging on veg
I managed to fall into a hedge
Beneath which, I found
ten dollars, one pound
And an ageing gay rocker named Reg
A predisestablishmentarian
Said this, to a parliamentarian
"The Bishop of Ely (snorgle) Are you absolutely certain that Parliament existed in the predisestablishment era? I only arsk. :-)
Just gave me a feely
Which proves he's a humanitarian."
And copped an incredibly hairy one
sorry - Simulpost Carry on
'On a course aimed at self-cultivation
We learned about auto-cremation
So give me a match
And a nicorette® patch
Self-esteem, Self-respect, immolation!
Exteleologicalism (that's better, I was trying to find a word that would take up a whole line).
*sigh*
Exteleologicalism
When spelled wrong can cause rheumatism
But with letters correct
It is not, I suspect
A reason for triumphalism
Proper spelling's a thing that's essential
Lest your writing's deemed inconsequential
So practise with letters
As do all good typesetters hope that's spelt right . . .
When slinging the lead to their betters.
Vary the rhyme scheme for kicks!
Or instead of just five lines, write six!
Yes, lengthening's one of our tricks.
When we get to the middle
Of the Rhymsterists's riddle
Attempting to fiddle
Around with the form, and to mix
In even more words, making the whole structure very hard to fix.
*Bing-bong* An announcement for you:
Pink will henceforth be sky-blue
Red is now Green
Fergie is now Queen
And all that was false is now true.
This lim'rick, in truth, is a lie
It was written by him on the sly
While him on the swings
Eating butterfly wings
Was sitting there wondering why.
While binning a pile of junk mail
I bumped into Donna McPhail
She's lived in my bin
With her patrilineal kin
writing jokes which invariably fail
My golden retriever once said
I fancy a trip to the Med
I sent him at once
'cos they've now banned the hunts
Which makes it hard keeping him fed.
On a bus into town one morning
A huntsman jumped on, without warning
, yelled, "Follow that Fox!"
Pointed at my red socks
I said, "They're pinks, now stop all that fawning"
While murdering a Chopin Mazurka
Veiled in her secretmost bhurka
The lady concerned
Amusingly gurned
And dreamed of her broad-chested Gurkha.
The cast of Auf Wiedersehen Pet
doubled as stagehands building the set
Their cry was, "Oh Lordie!" [setting up a rhyme there]
"We're almost all Geordie!"
"Except for that daft Brummy get!"
^^^^ Very good one! ^^^^

In time, we will look back and laugh

At the day we got stuck in the barf
As the water was rising
What we found most surprising
was the vulgar response of the staff.
Simplicity runs in my veins
I don't care for lacquers or stains
I like everything plain
I'll say it again:
I use spoons to hack off my chilblains.
The rain in Spain's mainly on plains
As stated by those with large brains
But the snow in Oslo
As any fule kno
Is there in spite of the Danes
The frost in Spain's mainly on cars
And the ex-pat's are mainly in bars
They get drunk most nights
And dress up in red tights
And dance like there's frost in their drawers
For those who are cymbocephalic
Cries of "egghead" ("oeuftête" if you're Gallic)
You look like a Martian
Much less than a Spartan Bastard rhyme, Rosie
All in all, you look really quite phallic.
Some people, it seems, like the snow (Softers) As I realised too late. :-(
But what I like, I really don't know
I've tried asking my
psychoanalyst why
I'm so fond of the stuff. He don't know Sorry for the grammar,but had to be done.
My fav-our-ite colour is blue
Dunno why, strange but it's true snorgs] simulposted, but I agree with you ;]
And that sky blue pink
I what most people think
arrow_circle_down
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