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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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"I can spin on the floor"
She said, "that'll do, let's get wed".
The wedding went off with no hitch
'Cos both sides were equally rich. Ooh, cynical!
But soon it turned sour ,Cant you just see line 5 coming
For they differed in power
And she returned to her mother, the bitch! Satisfying Snod's prediction
I would just like to point out that the line above, to whit: "I'm an asshole and need a good spank" was not written by me and I would kindly ask whoever it was to not do that again.
Whilst walking the streets late at night
In my stilettos and miniskirt, tight Why not?
A copper approached me (Softers) I wouldn't try that in Croydon.
And offered a small fee
And showed me his helmet so bright . [st dog] Well whoever it wasclearly wanted to make a statement and it looks like it was true
There once was a cute little pup
So small he could fit in a cup
A pygmy chihuahua - [snodgrass] It would appear now that you are actually coming out with it and saying you think I am an asshole ? This is not really in keeping with the etiquette of this forum, and if you really took exception to my limerick line that seemed to have sparked the comment I would say you have a singular lack of humour. Also I would say "fuck you" but I won't, because that would not be in keeping with the etiquette of this forum. Watch your mouth.
Barking like a (mad) cacadua [st dog] Maybe you are not a real asshole but you certainly acted like one entering that lunatic 'phone'-line. Go wash your mouth!
How I wished he would shut the ^&*% up
To steal someone's "handle" is base
The forum police must give chase [St Dog] You misread my comment. It was the handle-napper who I was referring to as being deserving of the attribution of the term 'asshole'. They had made the comment disguising themselves with your handle but inferring the monika to themselves. I'm sorry if you took offence but you really didnt need to.
For we're a happy, brave few
There is me, him and you
Plus the assholes - but they're a disgrace.
*Phew* - what a relief that the misunderstanding has been unmisunderstooded.
"Disgusted" of Tunbridge Wells, Kent (Chalky) Unmisunderstanded, surely?
Where "A Room With a View” is for rent or have I unmisunderstanded your intentions?
These insinuations
Will hamper relations No Bushisms here please. Maybe the germ of a seed of an inkling of an idea for another game?
(Well, I hope so, for that's my intent)
snodgrass] well in that case I am very glad I didn't say "fuck you". Sorry for the confusion but it wasn't clear and seemed mightily unprovoked......ho humYou're an asshole and so is your horse
ooops!
You're an asshole and your horse is one too
This we’ve heard from the mouth of the whores assuming 'You're an asshole and so is your horse' is the line to be rhymed in best possible scansion mode....? Or if you like, replace it with: As was writ on the door to the loo....
Tho' Arse-hole we say o'er here
This one has lost its thread a little I fear. Yes the second one didn't really scan too well. Crivvens. What to do ? Lets start it again with a completely new line
My horsey's upset and offended
The mare, which it had intended
Now she'll have no truck
With the amorous buck
So sadly this Limerick ended. Alternatively for us whoresmen: Her ass though still looks very splendid.
You shouldn’t jump over the fence,
He said to a child who was dense
For you know not what
A deep pit I have got (the child had just jumped into his garden you see, and had landed in a large pit that the man had dug. It loses something in the explanation I think.)
Now I'm afraid that your corpse I must flense Because once in the pit this maniac has dug in his garden, stunned from the unexpected drop and helpless to ward of the mad neighbour's intentions, the child gets subjected to a "Silence of the Lambs" moment, dies a horrible death and becomes an Item of secret fetish-wear. You're right, it does lose something, doesn't it?
Kidnapped, drugged then dropped in my pit
It upset my schedule, a bit
Still, I did escape
To commit one more rape
'Cause I'm an insensitive git.
[Fiddler] not nice, and not even funny ...
Now let's all just cool off for a while [Chalky] No worse than child-skinning, surely? Hang on, I did that one. Much worse, I agree.
And rest while we wash off the bile
And the phlegm and the snot
I'd much rather not
For I'm base and I'm bad and I'm vile.
When learning the rules of a game
Let bad html take the blame
Ooh, she's so bold!
The learners she'll scold
Be kind to us please, it's a shame
Let fantasy flow we proclaim! [Chalky]...please remember our lines are not necessarily fiction, they may very well be, but you'll never know .... ;-)
Once Ella sang jazz with the Duke, (whoops, sorry folks, please see my unintentional 6:th line above as an alternative ending…)
She duetted with George on the uke
Her "Do-Be-Do-Doos"
They could never refuse
Now they're trapped in the ole’ box of Juke.
Today it is Monday - at last
By gum, you got that line in fast while I was "previewing" as it 'appens.
Hurry up! Time is flying!
My brain cells are dying!
And that's how every Monday is passed. (but that it were true)
'Tis Tuesday! A whole bright new day!
With Friday just three days away
And the full-moon is bright
and up there all night
Its just clouds that get in the way
Now Tuesday is almost all spent
Well it is if you live near to Kent - which I don't, you GMTist swine.
So let's give a cheer
And get out of here
I've given up Wednesdays for Lent NEXT!
Today is named after Wodin except on the Continent where it's named after element no. 80.
That's something that softies write code in Not in The Netherlands - Woensdag is
And Wodin, you see
Is hanged to his knee
So for some poor sod trouble is Bodin'
Well tried on that last limerick
Let’s hope that it gives us a kick (Rosie probably wants to kick my butt so I’ll try to stay away for a while…)
For Thursday is here
Time for a beer!
But not so much that we are sick.
Not for the first time I'm here
On the plus side: look, Friday is near!
with a full weekend ahead
And black silk-sheets in my bed
Soon we'll put ourselves in first gear!
One Friday (quite soon) I think that I will
On leaving work, put my hand in the till
To finance my fun
While I go on the run
I'll never get caught if I bung the Old Bill!
Two days free, so what shall I do?
Visit Blackpool, or far Timbuktu?
Alas, I am skint
Please give me a hint
How rude! And the same to you too!
Foucault's Nietzschean Historiography
Is a bloddy good read when you're lonely
But for those who have friends
Well, we know how it ends
- in a maze of verbose sub-pornography
But Durkheim, of course, is much clearer
In claiming that orgasm's comes nearer (sorry, my French isn't that good, maybe he meant organs?)
Using specialist aids
And a system of grades
that suited that buttonned-up era.
My Grandfathers clock has got tics
Which explains his success rate with chlicks (cloat.ha ha)
It also has fleas
And arthritic knees
But its name is Captain Hicks.
The trouble with women in cars ,Not going anywhere you understand
Is really they’re driving like stars Alternative ending of last one: The reason it strike and not kicks!
In Venus-like fashion
A shame they keep crashin' tortuous final syllable pronunciation required
Into men driving back from their bars
She was finding it hard to deny it
'Cos she knew that her drivin' was shy-it
So she let actions speak
And drove up the creek
and flooded the engine and had to walk-it!
There once was a lim’rick molester,
Named Widey, whose arse ought to fester,
His lines would not scan,
He rhymed like my gran,
Whose dyslexic verse made all detest her
If ever you have to submit
Make sure that you’ve poof-read your wit
For there's little that's worse
Than to feel a bit hearse
And everyone else calls you sh... bad.
Obvious I know, but I swallowed my pride
“Dear Sir, I have never been kissed,”
Said the young matchstick-seller to Lizst
"Not a lot, my young sir"
Though my looks cause a stir
But my moustache makes most men resist
I know this sounds weird but it’s true
I keep a bright turquoise cuckoo
The first day of each spring
It endeavours to sing
The entire score from "Cat Ballou"
Andrew Lloyd Webber's a brilliant man
And he keeps as a pet, a scarlet toucan
Called "Beaklight Express"
It will always impress
Far more than his musical scores ever can.
Don't look at me! The scansion was f*cked anyway ...
:-)
:-)
:-)
Chalky - Today I shall swear with rude words
Such as "frumjittle yaxlifrous knurds!"
And this precedent
Will surely cement
my status 'mongst top foul-mouthed birds. Dreadful sorry, m'dear; couldn't resist it.
Insults are all part of the game
That line is so bad and too lame ;-)
So turn up the heat
Make y'r enemies bleat
And give them back more of the same.
They say it's a form of respect
When by magpies you're violently pecked
For an avian mob
It's just part of the job
They don't care if your features are wrecked
Whatever became of Cock Robin,
I hear you cry, wailin' and sobbin'.
Well, don't look at me!
Don't do archeree
Just try feel the beat, get the throbbin’. Well, don’t blame me, blame Chalky, Darren or Merriam-Webster's!
There once was a redheaded blonde
Of whom I was terribly fond
Her green brown grey eyes
And roan skewbald thighs
Made me ask if she'd like to abscond.
The loveliest lady I know
Is a tranny called 'Leg-over Flo'
What she'll do for a pound
Will amaze and astound
But the therapy after will cost though
My wife’s wearing spurs – in our bed,
There's an odd wire thing on my head Well, a guy gets simulposted, what dost thou expect?
And I don't know whether
we should get it together
With the guests or each other instead *deploys coat*
The problem with most politicians
Is their penchant for loose coalitions
They plan and they plot
And care not a jot
When spending our bank depositions.
My taxes so gladly I'll pay,
If you'll take Michael Howard away
Call men in white coats!
While he cackles and gloats
And makes like he's god's gift next May. 2005. Nah - surely not. He won't really WIN, will he?
A serious lot are the Swedes
Much given to wearing of Tweeds
They hammer and screw (Assembling those IKEA furniture)
and turn the air blue (Assembling those IKEA furniture)
with fumes from the smoking of weeds.
A frivolous lot are the Welsh
For scansion is left on the shelf
The same goes for rhyme
And tune, most of the time
And drinking on Sunday's I'm told
The Welsh are a frivolous lot - let's try that last idea out in a way that can actually be rhymed without recourse to the Star Trek Klingon Dictionary™
For their clothing they care not a jot! True. I wrapped one in tin foil today.
They can often be seen Curse that simulposting!!
in peninsular Lleyn (Bif) Yes, but we are deeply frivolous. There's a difference, inni' aye.
Knitting sweaters from seaweed and snot. http://www.lleynsheep.com/
Believe in your faith and you’ll see, Also a humble apology to all honest, frivolous but hard-working Welsh women and men!
The Welsh dragging snot from the sea
It gets caught in their rowlocks
And then removed by their cox
who sells it to tourists. Tee-hee!
welsh sea snot] I take it that you guys just stumbled upon that one ? Or have you perhaps tried Lava Bread ? para 7. Its basically seaweed/algae or similar and they mix it with oatmeal and make little cakes with it fried for breakfast. Marvellous stuff, though in it's pre oat added form it looks like a big pile of darkish green MUCAS.
Make that 'mucus', st d ;o)
I bake cakes with the stuff in my nose
With a pinch of jam found 'twixt my toes
And then sprinkle some
Of the fluff from my tum
It's good as a cure for all woes -- probably because once you eat this all your other problems will seem small in comparison :)
He nibbled her earlobe, then said: (all this food-talk makes me hungry...)
"Can I put some of this on my bread?"
She said, "Cut that out!"
"Or your ear I will clout!"
"You can't, 'S been eaten, You've fed!"
She served him a hot pie in bed, ...more food, now breakfast...
And rubbed warm goose grease on his head don't ask me where that came from
But in places below an oportunity for depravity, perhaps?
Whee no foodstuffs should go
Where Bugger, sorry..
He was subjected to leeches and bledThis sounds like a Michael Winner film
Well if that's what you think, I don't care!
I don't give a jot for your stare
Be off with you, fool
And as for your tool
, well, must cause you the greatest despair.
I once knew a farmer who said:
"O'ive no problem wi' rain on me 'ead"
"Now get orf me land"
"W'your marchin' band
"Or my roifle will soon make you dead." a happy end for that one!
Dear Father, please send fifty quid.
'Though I can't bear to say what I did
Don't ask any questions
About nasty infections You can tell that the University students have gone back cant you?
And d'you know a good name for a kid?
rofl at that last one...
It happened in old Monterrey
While enjoying the bracing sea spray
Due to great land erosion My geography is fairly poor, but isn't Monterrey inland? ;-)
If Toutatis had hit...
And my ships huge corrosion Noah made it inland didn't he (?) and my yacht is made of glass reinforced plasics but what he heck…
I could sail over land every day.
Toutatis has tried to board us! [Raak] Thanks for the inspiration
So I'll pack and leave with the next bus! (Space shuttle buses may become more common one future day....)
But in the act of escaping [Howie] - I thought it was a Cheese, but then again I know Jack!
A cake I was baking
Was launched from the oven toward us
His body dropped down like a stone
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