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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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And ended up in Dover, which was nowhere near as nice as Durham
An angel approached me and said:
"Permit me to point out you're dead"
"Your mortal life ended"
"Your ways you have mended" I still think the other place is more interesting.
So well send you to Durham instead
Ahem - "So we'll send you to Durham instead." Ay thang yew.
In Darlington, Durham and Dover
The law has a precedence over
The wearing of heels
But Judge often repeals
If promised a lay in the clover
One night on the beach down in Bognor
Recalling my visit to Durham
I thought of Prestatyn
and Winterbourne Abbas Anarchy in the UK
And all of the time spent in Ais Gill
There was a young man from Prestatyn
Who wore on his head a gold paten
When asked to describe
The drinks he'd imbibe
He slurred he will never leave Durham
Tonight I will take her, I swear, (To Durham, where else??)
To Durham, with wind in her hair
We'll get the eight-thirty
Get deep down and dirty
If anyone sees, I don't care ;-)
I've got to leave old Durham town
Opp north is getting me down
I'll head West-South-West
Wearing naught but a vest
And arm bands in case that I drown
While heading t'wards Stratford-on-Avon
, that well-known cultural haven
I stopped off in Warwick
To meet poor old Yorick (oblig., and thank you)
And paused for a pint in "The Raven".
There once was a writer called Poe
Who found it so hard to say "No"
His stutter got worse
Then he'd start to curse
He still wrote classic prose, though.
Oops, add a 'some' in after wrote...
He still wrote some classic prose, though.
Will Smith saves the world (yet again)
His heroics will drive us insane
Does no-one but me unfinished rhetorical question alert!
Eschew going to see
Bloody "Men in Black III"? What a pain!
I once stopped in Bangkok for the night
But left back to Durham with next flight (A short stay....)
Landed at Luton as you would
Put a new suit on [Fiddler] Is that the one-syllable pronunciation of Durham?
Like me it was a little too tight. (having to squeeze the extra syllable in to make it scan)
I've been staying oop north for two weeks
To study some birds with two beaks
Whilst quite advantageous
I find it outrageous
The language the two-beaked birds speaks ...a foul language not worthy to be published, not even here!
A chick may say no, meaning yes
But heed caution, nevertheless
For the cock, in his ardour
Tries all the harder
And it ends in a helluva mess
In Bolton, there lives a strange man
Who claims Jesus was born in Japan
And Mohammed was Greek
Tony Blaire smart and chic
And Bernard Levin a very nice man. Sadly missed
"Man" rhymed with "man"? Very odd.
Beware of the lim’rick cop squad [Darren: they may also count syllables so run while you can!]
If fault's found with your scansion
Their cellblock needs expansion (to get room for all sinners, including yours truly)
The trouble is some MC's patrol the scansion and the rhyme so closeley that you would think that when it comes to Limericks that they were God. 'nuf said.
See me! Watch me scan, pun and rhyme! *smug*
Though constrain'd to rhythm and time!
Like a well-crafted clock
Where tick follows tock
So make mine a Vodka and Lime . The sun is over the yard arm I assume! [Software] Give my regards to Belloc
There was a young fellow from Streatham "strettum"
Who cut off his testicles and ate 'em
a man with no balls
Makes squeaky phone calls
[merely a comment - I cannot do line 5] (plump) That's uncanny! I put up the same first line about 2 yrs ago in MCPants and the 2nd line was "who cut off his bollocks and ate 'em". Was that you? An even more shameless recycling than mine, and, ahem, it scans a bit better. :-)
But offers a pouch for a gem? [Play on kids, throwing sand in the eyes makes no one happy!]
His sex drive had started to wane
When he'd finished the case of champagne
So he had 3 Viagra
Leapt over Niagara
And had sex again and again.
The Queen dropped the Orb & the Sceptre
And deserted the people who'd kept her
she romped off with a lad
Twice as old as her dad
'cos at sex older men are adepter. Oh yes we are.
While recycling a piece of old glass [Rosie] I think it must have been so good a line my brain filed it away.Cannot be sure who posted it last time.
A heard a voice say, "what a farce!"
If it's brown, green or clear
It should not be put here!
Your glass belongs to the whiskey-class.
Today I'll buy me a used submarine, http://www.b-americanboats.com/whiskeysub.html
Including a deep-diving sex-machine
So diving for muff
Will not be so tough
as trying to persuade people that scansion is an essential ingredient of a Limerick - know what I mean?
So fuck off good scansion – you know what I mean?>[Rosie: Why destroying an almost finished limerick just to try teaching us common amateur poets something that you don’t respect yourself? Very bad manner in my humble opinion]
He once found a Rose on the heath
A mutant that sported sharp teeth
So for gnawing the bark [Rosie & Marc] Calm down dears, its only a bit of fun
Of itself, in the dark
He nibbled her buds underneath.
One day as he mounted his horse
The muse suddenly struck - "But of course!"
"To straddle a saddle"
"I must use a paddle"
"Some soap, a small fish and The Force™"
While trying to get through to my bank
To cash my check for a million Swiss Franc(tough to match your excellent scansion Rosie;-)
I got music on hold all too true, unfortunately :-(
And grew very old
Before I realised that you can't cash cheques over the phone

sorry - couldnt resist....


"Please press "star" key now twice and then hold"
By an anomyous voice I was told
This nameless deciever
                                                        sorry, meant to preview not submit. :(
I’m an asshole and need a good spank!
I haven't been here for a while
She said donning a satisfied smile
It all looks quite strange
It seems quite a change
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