mc5 - The Obligatory Limericks Game

My 'cello string snapped with a "Twang!"[Per Bigsmith: it seemed too good a line to waste]

Deek

And my music stand collapsed with a "Bang!"

I let out an oath (Bigsmith) Saw the cartoon. :-)

About string and stand both

????

and kicked out at the bucket with a clang

Pray sing out with voice loud and clear!

And fill lowly peasants with fear.

As the hunt comes a-trampling

On poor Charlotte Rampling

And gives her a flea in her ear!

The holiday season is here

The time for sand, sea and beer

And drizzle, and fog

Campsites like Bog,

-nor Regis when rain clouds hang drear.
finally drawing a line under the -ear /-eer rhymes

Chalky - Resplendent in tangerine satin

I tango'd my way round Prestatyn oh what a picture that paints...

My partner, Miguel

, the Argie from Hell

JLE

, Just couldn't quite dance like a Latin...

Last Tango in Southend-on-Sea

a film I just don't want to see

It's nothing but dross

With Matt and Luke Goss (remember them? I bet you wish you didn't)

A mark out of five? Minus three.

And talking of towns on the coast

They say (though they don't like to boast)

That Yarmouth's the place

Nick

For black satin lace

And mushrooms and baked beans on toast.

When paying a visit to Durham hoho

I realised there's no rhyme for Durham Let alone two.

And so I left Durham

(A nice town that, Durham)

And ended up in Dover, which is vile.

Enough of this nonsense. Back to proper limerickese.
I once met a man with three legs

Who pushed out a basket of eggs

I said, "Hello, tripod", I can only think of one rhyme

Puckoon

"are you man or god?" was that the one?

And ended up in Dover, which was nowhere near as nice as Durham

An angel approached me and said:

"Permit me to point out you're dead"

"Your mortal life ended"

"Your ways you have mended" I still think the other place is more interesting.

So well send you to Durham instead

Ahem - "So we'll send you to Durham instead." Ay thang yew.

In Darlington, Durham and Dover

The law has a precedence over

Vida

The wearing of heels

But Judge often repeals

If promised a lay in the clover

One night on the beach down in Bognor

Recalling my visit to Durham

I thought of Prestatyn

and Winterbourne Abbas Anarchy in the UK

And all of the time spent in Ais Gill

st d

There was a young man from Prestatyn

Who wore on his head a gold paten

When asked to describe

The drinks he'd imbibe

He slurred he will never leave Durham

Tonight I will take her, I swear, (To Durham, where else??)

To Durham, with wind in her hair

The Obligatory Line Fanatic

We'll get the eight-thirty

rab

Get deep down and dirty

JLE

If anyone sees, I don't care ;-)

I've got to leave old Durham town

Opp north is getting me down

I'll head West-South-West

Wearing naught but a vest

And arm bands in case that I drown

While heading t'wards Stratford-on-Avon

, that well-known cultural haven

Irouleguy

I stopped off in Warwick

To meet poor old Yorick (oblig., and thank you)

And paused for a pint in "The Raven".

There once was a writer called Poe

Who found it so hard to say "No"

His stutter got worse

Then he'd start to curse

Flix

He still wrote classic prose, though.

Flix

Oops, add a 'some' in after wrote...

Linesman

He still wrote some classic prose, though.

Will Smith saves the world (yet again)

His heroics will drive us insane

Does no-one but me unfinished rhetorical question alert!

Eschew going to see

Robin

Bloody "Men in Black III"? What a pain!

I once stopped in Bangkok for the night

But left back to Durham with next flight (A short stay....)

Landed at Luton as you would

Put a new suit on [Fiddler] Is that the one-syllable pronunciation of Durham?

Like me it was a little too tight. (having to squeeze the extra syllable in to make it scan)

Angus Prune

I've been staying oop north for two weeks

To study some birds with two beaks

Flix

Whilst quite advantageous

I find it outrageous

The language the two-beaked birds speaks ...a foul language not worthy to be published, not even here!

A chick may say no, meaning yes

But heed caution, nevertheless

For the cock, in his ardour

Tries all the harder

And it ends in a helluva mess

In Bolton, there lives a strange man

Who claims Jesus was born in Japan

And Mohammed was Greek

Tony Blaire smart and chic

And Bernard Levin a very nice man. Sadly missed

"Man" rhymed with "man"? Very odd.

Beware of the lim’rick cop squad [Darren: they may also count syllables so run while you can!]

If fault's found with your scansion

Their cellblock needs expansion (to get room for all sinners, including yours truly)

The trouble is some MC's patrol the scansion and the rhyme so closeley that you would think that when it comes to Limericks that they were God. 'nuf said.

See me! Watch me scan, pun and rhyme! *smug*

Though constrain'd to rhythm and time!

Like a well-crafted clock

Nebs

Where tick follows tock

So make mine a Vodka and Lime . The sun is over the yard arm I assume! [Software] Give my regards to Belloc

Newcastle Underline

There was a young fellow from Streatham "strettum"

Who cut off his testicles and ate 'em

a man with no balls

Makes squeaky phone calls

[merely a comment - I cannot do line 5] (plump) That's uncanny! I put up the same first line about 2 yrs ago in MCPants and the 2nd line was "who cut off his bollocks and ate 'em". Was that you? An even more shameless recycling than mine, and, ahem, it scans a bit better. :-)

But offers a pouch for a gem? [Play on kids, throwing sand in the eyes makes no one happy!]

His sex drive had started to wane

When he'd finished the case of champagne

So he had 3 Viagra

LotUS

Leapt over Niagara

And had sex again and again.

The Queen dropped the Orb & the Sceptre

And deserted the people who'd kept her

she romped off with a lad

Twice as old as her dad

'cos at sex older men are adepter. Oh yes we are.

While recycling a piece of old glass [Rosie] I think it must have been so good a line my brain filed it away.Cannot be sure who posted it last time.

A heard a voice say, "what a farce!"

If it's brown, green or clear

Projoy

It should not be put here!

Your glass belongs to the whiskey-class.

Today I'll buy me a used submarine, http://www.b-americanboats.com/whiskeysub.html

Joyce

Including a deep-diving sex-machine

So diving for muff

Will not be so tough

as trying to persuade people that scansion is an essential ingredient of a Limerick - know what I mean?

So fuck off good scansion – you know what I mean?>[Rosie: Why destroying an almost finished limerick just to try teaching us common amateur poets something that you don’t respect yourself? Very bad manner in my humble opinion]

He once found a Rose on the heath

A mutant that sported sharp teeth

So for gnawing the bark [Rosie & Marc] Calm down dears, its only a bit of fun

Of itself, in the dark

Joyce

He nibbled her buds underneath.

One day as he mounted his horse

The muse suddenly struck - "But of course!"

"To straddle a saddle"

"I must use a paddle"

"Some soap, a small fish and The Force™"

While trying to get through to my bank

To cash my check for a million Swiss Franc(tough to match your excellent scansion Rosie;-)

I got music on hold all too true, unfortunately :-(

And grew very old

Before I realised that you can't cash cheques over the phone

sorry - couldnt resist....

"Please press "star" key now twice and then hold"

By an anomyous voice I was told

This nameless deciever

sorry, meant to preview not submit. :(

I’m an asshole and need a good spank!

I haven't been here for a while

She said donning a satisfied smile

It all looks quite strange

It seems quite a change

Tinker

But a Miss is as good as a mila

Lining up

She read Kama Sutra, then said:

"Can you wrap both your legs round your head?"

I said, "Yes, and what's more, (dangling quote warning)

"I can spin on the floor"

She said, "that'll do, let's get wed".

The wedding went off with no hitch

'Cos both sides were equally rich. Ooh, cynical!

But soon it turned sour ,Cant you just see line 5 coming

For they differed in power

And she returned to her mother, the bitch! Satisfying Snod's prediction

I would just like to point out that the line above, to whit: "I'm an asshole and need a good spank" was not written by me and I would kindly ask whoever it was to not do that again.

Whilst walking the streets late at night

In my stilettos and miniskirt, tight Why not?

A copper approached me (Softers) I wouldn't try that in Croydon.

And offered a small fee

And showed me his helmet so bright . [st dog] Well whoever it wasclearly wanted to make a statement and it looks like it was true

Line for spankings here

There once was a cute little pup

Tina

So small he could fit in a cup

A pygmy chihuahua - [snodgrass] It would appear now that you are actually coming out with it and saying you think I am an asshole ? This is not really in keeping with the etiquette of this forum, and if you really took exception to my limerick line that seemed to have sparked the comment I would say you have a singular lack of humour. Also I would say "fuck you" but I won't, because that would not be in keeping with the etiquette of this forum. Watch your mouth.

Barking like a (mad) cacadua [st dog] Maybe you are not a real asshole but you certainly acted like one entering that lunatic 'phone'-line. Go wash your mouth!

How I wished he would shut the ^&*% up

To steal someone's "handle" is base

The forum police must give chase [St Dog] You misread my comment. It was the handle-napper who I was referring to as being deserving of the attribution of the term 'asshole'. They had made the comment disguising themselves with your handle but inferring the monika to themselves. I'm sorry if you took offence but you really didnt need to.

For we're a happy, brave few

There is me, him and you

Plus the assholes - but they're a disgrace.
*Phew* - what a relief that the misunderstanding has been unmisunderstooded.

"Disgusted" of Tunbridge Wells, Kent (Chalky) Unmisunderstanded, surely?

Where "A Room With a View” is for rent or have I unmisunderstanded your intentions?

These insinuations

Will hamper relations No Bushisms here please. Maybe the germ of a seed of an inkling of an idea for another game?

(Well, I hope so, for that's my intent)

snodgrass] well in that case I am very glad I didn't say "fuck you". Sorry for the confusion but it wasn't clear and seemed mightily unprovoked......ho humYou're an asshole and so is your horse

ooops!

You're an asshole and your horse is one too

This we’ve heard from the mouth of the whores assuming 'You're an asshole and so is your horse' is the line to be rhymed in best possible scansion mode....? Or if you like, replace it with: As was writ on the door to the loo....

Softwasre

Tho' Arse-hole we say o'er here

st d

This one has lost its thread a little I fear. Yes the second one didn't really scan too well. Crivvens. What to do ? Lets start it again with a completely new line

My horsey's upset and offended

The mare, which it had intended

Now she'll have no truck

LotUS

With the amorous buck

Putting up a fence-line here...

So sadly this Limerick ended. Alternatively for us whoresmen: Her ass though still looks very splendid.

You shouldn’t jump over the fence,

He said to a child who was dense

For you know not what

st doorbell

A deep pit I have got (the child had just jumped into his garden you see, and had landed in a large pit that the man had dug. It loses something in the explanation I think.)

Now I'm afraid that your corpse I must flense Because once in the pit this maniac has dug in his garden, stunned from the unexpected drop and helpless to ward of the mad neighbour's intentions, the child gets subjected to a "Silence of the Lambs" moment, dies a horrible death and becomes an Item of secret fetish-wear. You're right, it does lose something, doesn't it?

Kidnapped, drugged then dropped in my pit

It upset my schedule, a bit

Still, I did escape

To commit one more rape

'Cause I'm an insensitive git.
[Fiddler] not nice, and not even funny ...

Now let's all just cool off for a while [Chalky] No worse than child-skinning, surely? Hang on, I did that one. Much worse, I agree.

And rest while we wash off the bile

And the phlegm and the snot

I'd much rather not

For I'm base and I'm bad and I'm vile.

howie

When learning the rules of a game

Let bad html take the blame

Ooh, she's so bold!

Irouleguy

The learners she'll scold

Be kind to us please, it's a shame

Let fantasy flow we proclaim! [Chalky]...please remember our lines are not necessarily fiction, they may very well be, but you'll never know .... ;-)

Once Ella sang jazz with the Duke, (whoops, sorry folks, please see my unintentional 6:th line above as an alternative ending…)

She duetted with George on the uke

Her "Do-Be-Do-Doos"

Poisoned Pigeon

They could never refuse

Now they're trapped in the ole’ box of Juke.

Today it is Monday - at last

By gum, you got that line in fast while I was "previewing" as it 'appens.

Hurry up! Time is flying!

My brain cells are dying!

And that's how every Monday is passed. (but that it were true)

'Tis Tuesday! A whole bright new day!

With Friday just three days away

And the full-moon is bright

and up there all night

Its just clouds that get in the way

.

Now Tuesday is almost all spent

Well it is if you live near to Kent - which I don't, you GMTist swine.

So let's give a cheer

And get out of here

I've given up Wednesdays for Lent NEXT!

Not Tuj

Today is named after Wodin except on the Continent where it's named after element no. 80.

That's something that softies write code in Not in The Netherlands - Woensdag is

And Wodin, you see

Is hanged to his knee

So for some poor sod trouble is Bodin'

Well tried on that last limerick

Let’s hope that it gives us a kick (Rosie probably wants to kick my butt so I’ll try to stay away for a while…)

For Thursday is here

Time for a beer!

But not so much that we are sick.

Newkid

Not for the first time I'm here

On the plus side: look, Friday is near!

with a full weekend ahead

And black silk-sheets in my bed

Soon we'll put ourselves in first gear!

One Friday (quite soon) I think that I will

On leaving work, put my hand in the till

To finance my fun

While I go on the run

irouleguy

I'll never get caught if I bung the Old Bill!

Two days free, so what shall I do?

Visit Blackpool, or far Timbuktu?

Alas, I am skint

Please give me a hint

How rude! And the same to you too!

Foucault's Nietzschean Historiography

Is a bloddy good read when you're lonely

But for those who have friends

Well, we know how it ends

Projoy

- in a maze of verbose sub-pornography

But Durkheim, of course, is much clearer

In claiming that orgasm's comes nearer (sorry, my French isn't that good, maybe he meant organs?)

Using specialist aids

And a system of grades

that suited that buttonned-up era.

My Grandfathers clock has got tics

Which explains his success rate with chlicks (cloat.ha ha)

Poisoned Pigeon

It also has fleas

And arthritic knees

Dr. Johnson

But its name is Captain Hicks.

Dr Linesman

The trouble with women in cars ,Not going anywhere you understand

Is really they’re driving like stars Alternative ending of last one: The reason it strike and not kicks!

In Venus-like fashion

A shame they keep crashin' tortuous final syllable pronunciation required

Into men driving back from their bars

She was finding it hard to deny it

'Cos she knew that her drivin' was shy-it

So she let actions speak

Dr. Johnson

And drove up the creek

and flooded the engine and had to walk-it!

Dancing a riverline here

There once was a lim’rick molester,

Prancer

Named Widey, whose arse ought to fester,

Tina

His lines would not scan,

He rhymed like my gran,

Whose dyslexic verse made all detest her

If ever you have to submit

Make sure that you’ve poof-read your wit

For there's little that's worse

Than to feel a bit hearse

And everyone else calls you sh... bad.

Obvious I know, but I swallowed my pride

“Dear Sir, I have never been kissed,”

Said the young matchstick-seller to Lizst

"Not a lot, my young sir"

Chris

Though my looks cause a stir

But my moustache makes most men resist

I know this sounds weird but it’s true

I keep a bright turquoise cuckoo

The first day of each spring

It endeavours to sing

The entire score from "Cat Ballou"

Andrew Lloyd Webber's a brilliant man

And he keeps as a pet, a scarlet toucan

Called "Beaklight Express"

It will always impress

Far more than his musical scores ever can.
Don't look at me! The scansion was f*cked anyway ...
:-)
:-)
:-)

Chalky - Today I shall swear with rude words

Such as "frumjittle yaxlifrous knurds!"

And this precedent

Will surely cement

my status 'mongst top foul-mouthed birds. Dreadful sorry, m'dear; couldn't resist it.

Insults are all part of the game

That line is so bad and too lame ;-)

So turn up the heat

Make y'r enemies bleat

And give them back more of the same.

Howie

They say it's a form of respect

Irouleguy

When by magpies you're violently pecked

For an avian mob

It's just part of the job

They don't care if your features are wrecked

Whatever became of Cock Robin,

I hear you cry, wailin' and sobbin'.

Well, don't look at me!

Don't do archeree

Just try feel the beat, get the throbbin’. Well, don’t blame me, blame Chalky, Darren or Merriam-Webster's!

There once was a redheaded blonde

Of whom I was terribly fond

Her green brown grey eyes

And roan skewbald thighs

Made me ask if she'd like to abscond.

The loveliest lady I know

Horatio Townsend

Is a tranny called 'Leg-over Flo'

What she'll do for a pound

Will amaze and astound

But the therapy after will cost though

linin' up again

My wife’s wearing spurs – in our bed,

There's an odd wire thing on my head Well, a guy gets simulposted, what dost thou expect?

And I don't know whether

we should get it together

With the guests or each other instead *deploys coat*

The problem with most politicians

Is their penchant for loose coalitions

They plan and they plot

And care not a jot

When spending our bank depositions.

My taxes so gladly I'll pay,

If you'll take Michael Howard away

Call men in white coats!

While he cackles and gloats

And makes like he's god's gift next May. 2005. Nah - surely not. He won't really WIN, will he?

A serious lot are the Swedes

Much given to wearing of Tweeds

Marc (the Swede)

They hammer and screw (Assembling those IKEA furniture)

and turn the air blue (Assembling those IKEA furniture)

Jens

with fumes from the smoking of weeds.

A frivolous lot are the Welsh

For scansion is left on the shelf

Ziggy

The same goes for rhyme

Stevie

And tune, most of the time

And drinking on Sunday's I'm told

The Welsh are a frivolous lot - let's try that last idea out in a way that can actually be rhymed without recourse to the Star Trek Klingon Dictionary™

For their clothing they care not a jot! True. I wrapped one in tin foil today.

They can often be seen Curse that simulposting!!

in peninsular Lleyn (Bif) Yes, but we are deeply frivolous. There's a difference, inni' aye.

Knitting sweaters from seaweed and snot. http://www.lleynsheep.com/

Believe in your faith and you’ll see, Also a humble apology to all honest, frivolous but hard-working Welsh women and men!

The Welsh dragging snot from the sea

It gets caught in their rowlocks

And then removed by their cox

who sells it to tourists. Tee-hee!

welsh sea snot] I take it that you guys just stumbled upon that one ? Or have you perhaps tried Lava Bread ? para 7. Its basically seaweed/algae or similar and they mix it with oatmeal and make little cakes with it fried for breakfast. Marvellous stuff, though in it's pre oat added form it looks like a big pile of darkish green MUCAS.

Make that 'mucus', st d ;o)
I bake cakes with the stuff in my nose

With a pinch of jam found 'twixt my toes

And then sprinkle some

Of the fluff from my tum

a beachline of seaweed, snot and other deli's

It's good as a cure for all woes -- probably because once you eat this all your other problems will seem small in comparison :)

He nibbled her earlobe, then said: (all this food-talk makes me hungry...)

"Can I put some of this on my bread?"

She said, "Cut that out!"

"Or your ear I will clout!"

"You can't, 'S been eaten, You've fed!"

She served him a hot pie in bed, ...more food, now breakfast...

And rubbed warm goose grease on his head don't ask me where that came from

But in places below an oportunity for depravity, perhaps?

Whee no foodstuffs should go

Where Bugger, sorry..

He was subjected to leeches and bledThis sounds like a Michael Winner film

Puckoon

Well if that's what you think, I don't care!

Ye olde gong farmer

I don't give a jot for your stare

Sir Joseph Bazalgette

Be off with you, fool

And as for your tool

, well, must cause you the greatest despair.

I once knew a farmer who said:

"O'ive no problem wi' rain on me 'ead"

"Now get orf me land"

"W'your marchin' band

"Or my roifle will soon make you dead." a happy end for that one!

Dear Father, please send fifty quid.

'Though I can't bear to say what I did

Don't ask any questions

About nasty infections You can tell that the University students have gone back cant you?

And d'you know a good name for a kid?

rofl at that last one...

It happened in old Monterrey

While enjoying the bracing sea spray

Howie

Due to great land erosion My geography is fairly poor, but isn't Monterrey inland? ;-)

If Toutatis had hit...

And my ships huge corrosion Noah made it inland didn't he (?) and my yacht is made of glass reinforced plasics but what he heck…

I could sail over land every day.

Simons Mith

Toutatis has tried to board us! [Raak] Thanks for the inspiration

So I'll pack and leave with the next bus! (Space shuttle buses may become more common one future day....)

Snodrass

But in the act of escaping [Howie] - I thought it was a Cheese, but then again I know Jack!

A cake I was baking

Was launched from the oven toward us

His body dropped down like a stone

Ye olde gong farmer

hit the ground with great smashing of bone

One more mountaineer

Now flying, Oh dear!....like an angel?

Approaches the heavenly throne.

The well-heeled folk of Sevenoaks

Turn noses up at lim’rick jokes

But with I M Pentameter

Their footwork is amateur

And fun at them everyone pokes

She said: May I teach you safe sex?

He replied: I'm more into safe hex

But activities in Binary

despite all the finery

Beats anything by Posh and Becks

She said: May I give you a tip?

He said "Not just now; I'm in knip"

But if you'll lend me a token

I'll leave Thorpe-le-Soken

And thankfully kiss your red lip. ....or: Getting rid of your stiff upper lip?

It’s Friday, let’s meet at the Pub,

[Marc] Love to, but I'm off to my club

It's highly exclusive - don't ya know

Because I'm reclusive

But please don't take this as a snub!

wonderful stuff!
Chalky - My brain is too full - I'm in shock

I shall hide in this grandfather clock

I just hope that the bob-weights

don't tickle my knob, mates,

Then grandpa’s for sure starts to rock![Rosie]...I thought you were a honourable woman!?

She giggled and said: “What is that?”

"It's a teapot on top of my hat!"

"If I want some tea," [Marc] Did you really not know that Rosie's a man??

"you must bow to me" (Marc) Wildly wrong on both counts. :-) See http://www.geocities.com/pantsmcprofiles/profiles.html

Why did it come out with all those spaces, but not this time?

Then I’ll kick your ass, said Cheshire cat [Rosie] No wonder then that I thought the fading scent from your lines was more like ‘Axe Marine', but my smelling sense is not so good any more.....

John Howard will never be gone!

"He goes on and on". (Anon) (Marc) Yerssss. I do wash y'know. :-)

So here's what I think:

We could all use a drink - though this is probably true at any time and not just 'cos of the Aussie elections :)

To celebrate (down-under) erection’s withdrawn?