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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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Is managed quite swift by the most ...the cowards who lurk....?
Disgusting of beasts
(namely Jesuit priests) [Rosie] 'chatroom for spotty herberts' Love it :-)
who fear naught but the Holy Ghost. (Chalky, Tuj) You're very kind. I had thought the term might date me, but it seems to live on. :-)
There once was a world with no oil
No more could farmers till their soil Hi all! You've been very busy this weekend!
With tractors but horses
Applied all their forces
To replace it with all day long toil.
Tomorrow's the Transit of Venus
To miss it would really be heinous
From where I am standing
I can see the branding
A good tan I'll get as a bonus
There once was a girl with no luck
Although she was not short of pluck almost oblig
So she'd stand on the street Where will this lead...?
and the men she did meet
Would find themselves short of a buck.
I'm pressing the button marked "Panic"
Because the last verse was Satanic
They've issued a fatwa
I'll be boiled in a vat. Waah! Not easy, that, Raak.
[Rosie] Poetic necessity, I'm afraid.
Oh, Heavens! It's made me quite manic.
I once knew a lady from China. Help yerselves.
In swearing she trained her Hill Myna
This most vocal bird
Could quote Richard the Third
I've not seen a rendition finer.
Having partaken of a wee tipple. Yep, it's the same ploy as before.
an event that makes barely a ripple So you tell me. :-)
I like to find girls
With cute little curls Really!
Then try to get hold of a free nipple. …shame on you Darren!
There once was a girl, oh so daring!
With dresses much flesh she was baring
Her gossamer thong
To put on, took too long
so certain parts got a good airing.
At school I was most fond of Rugger Yep, still employing the same shameless tactic I'm afraid.
I earnt the nickname of "Tugger" [Thrax] Oh yes indeed!
When deep in the scrum
I'd never be glum
With my nose in the arse of ‘Fart Slugger”.
There once was a snobbish old fart
Who married a stuck-up young tart
But at the reception
her clever deception
convinced them she was all heart.
Some clams, that were quite indiscreet,
Would swap naughty jokes about feet
The toes they'd call smelly
belonged to Grace Kelly
,And Ginger, in "Follow the Fleet".
I felt that I started to wilt
The moment I looked up his kilt Sorry, sorry, sorry. It had to be done.
Beneath, was a mob
And the gay pooftah Bob,
Who'd immersed it, right up to the hilt Coat!
That was worse than I ever feared it would be. Shame on you all.
It came to me, all in a flash
A new way to make mountains of cash
Now my pimp I will call, (simulposted:That Scots, underneath, has a ‘lash’)
He can shove it all
where the Customs men look for his stash. Ouch.
Oh, bugger. Forgot:

A trick you can do for your friends
Involves unbelievable bends
And if properly mastered, I'm gonna force one o' you into an expletive if if it's the last thing I do!
by someone not plastered, Zounds! He would provoke profanity, the boundah.
You never will know how it ends.
There once was a maiden in Ealing
So tall she could head-butt the ceiling.
And thus she would duck, Indeed, Rosie.
And make her back ruck
Till her spine had lost all sense of feeling. Non-obscene limerick achieved!
Each morning, at half past the hour,
I make pancakes from eggs, milk and flour
I give them a toss
thus causing their loss
And till noontime the floors shall i scour.
Well would you believe it, those French
Woke up while we slept on the bench
In just a minute
They managed to win it
But our thirst for revenge we will quench
Hopefully this tournament, not something pathetic like Olympic shooting or somesuch!
Alas two-one down but not out
Of Portugal yet; there's no doubt
As a Swede I am proud! 5-0 against Bulgaria!
But lets hope the crowd
Will behave lest we get flung out!
This "football" of which you all speak
Is to my ears, sad to, say, all Greek.
I know it involves fighting
Kicking butts and some biting
And is likely to go on all week.
A week of Des Lyneham's too much!
but better than soaps out of touch!
But still, we'll ban sport.
Instead we will cavort !
hello?
hi pat
And skip (in your bed?) Double Dutch
Last night as she went to her bed,
Jade Goody thought hard and then said:
"Now, I ain't usually frugal"
"But I sleep with Dougal"
"Whilst Hamish is locked in the shed"
"Insert Strap B into Slot C"
I did, with smiles and with glee
But Tab A fell apart
Now I must restart
From D and I’ll follow plan B.
She’ll sail in a while with the tide, all aboard?
Shipshape, and her crew: Watch their pride!
Its so painful to think
Of the fearful stink
As the crew throw up o'er the side
I must have a triple espresso!
Mocha, latte, frapachino
My caffine is low
(Macchiato to go)
And I’ll have a huge Curacao! http://www.curacaoliqueur.com/pages/recipes.htm
He said, “Well it’s Irish for me”,
As we seem to be hooked on coffee
and strong beer and fags
Are used by old hags
It helps the complexion, you see.
There once was an Angel in Hell, Heavens Devils?
Who calomine lotion did sell
For skin that is burning
, cryogenically yearning
For some sort of Freeze Spray as well.
It seems that all cars sport a flag
Or remains of an old washing rag
They've all got a red cross
But who gives a toss?
The ghost of General Braxton Bragg? Defeated by Grant in the battle of Chattanooga (1817-1876)
There once was a Cho in Chattanooga,
whose favourite confection was nougat. Steam engines can burn anything. :-)
It got all hot and sticky
And looked a little tricky
But it still ran as fast as a cougar.
It always rains for Wimbledon
So ladies keep your wimple on.
It's raining on Centre Court 1
Our great sporting summer's begun!
Still, the Roo did us proud
But screamed very loud
When he that Martina had won
When he HEARD that Martina had won?
There was a young fellow called Rooney
Whose ears were stuck on by a loony
His skull was quite hollow
So when he went to swallow
The head rush made him go quite swoony
Oh, finish my marmalade, please!
I now have a preference for peas
I eat them with honey
Which makes them taste funny Oblig. Sorry Mr Belloc
But don't shoot out my mouth if I sneeze Not oblig. Sorry everyone!
I shall die all alone in my bed
With a postage stamp stuck to my head
Waiting for the Holy Ghost :o)
Who I like the most
But I'll settle for St Peter instead. Backs away waving incense and making sign of the cross, etc, etc...
I’ve run out of my e-mailing stamps,
And who stole my cut-and-paste clamps?
And where's my click wand?
(of which I am fond)
. My Recycle Bin - raided by tramps!
Oh dear, Oh dear, Oh dear
My undies have washed o'er the weir
And now they've got tangled
in a device so new-fangled
that provides endless glasses of beer.
Tim has got through to the quarters
Will there be an opponent he slaughters? ...ever? Nope, do it the hard way please!
Perhaps it's Sir Cliff
(He with the quiff)
And a penchant for railway porters
I have a confession to make
The prospect of which makes me quake What can this be?
I'm really your mother
'Tho I look like your brother
and these 38D's are quite fake.
[C, R, R, S, K] Disturbing. Oh well. Moving quickly on...
Why can't we have kippers for tea?
Freshly plucked direct from the sea?
Paint them brown (BFK) (BFK = Brown For Kippers, a standard colouring ingredient.)
Serve with bread on a tray
Don't hog them - leave plenty for me!
A rumour is going around
That Dubya said something profound
It's just propaganda
But it does make you wonder
If his feet are almost on the ground... Nah...
There once was one Linesman too much,
Who cried when the ball was in touch
The hue that ensued,
Led to language quite rude
Thankfully, spoken in Dutch
Despite having four hours to spare
Before their flight took to the air
They still turned up late
, Got stopped at the gate,
Though no-one really seems to care Mercy!
Once upon a time in the west,
A cowpoke was washing his vest
He used best manure
Which he'd always procure
From The Man With Bullshit On His Chest [a.k.a. Clint Eastwood]
You really must make up your mind
Before I grab at your behind
Or other protrusions
I might leave contusions
You see, I'm not that refined.
A chicken, when lacking a head [C,D,S,R,R] Bravo: one of the best for a while!
Is likely to hop 'til it's dead eeuww but true! [Tuj] thanks :-) they was good wasn't they?
which proves that its brain
while beginning to drain
Is thinking of skipping instead
I'm trying to learn all my lines
Err...prompt!
And in danger of incurring fines
The thespians art
Of stifling a fart Sorrysorrysorry
From the hole out of which the sun shines
"Please fondle my buttocks," he said
"Then slap them with fresh soda bread"
But instead, I grabbed hard
and rubbed them with lard!
And watched as he slid out the bed!
A suitcase contains many things So that's what you all get up to, is it?
Like toilet rolls, butter and springs
But you'd best leave it locked
and not at half cocked!
Just see what the chambermaid brings.
There was a young lass from Jakarta
Took a pint of good gin just to start her Apologies, oblig!
To finish her off
A cocktail Molotov
Was exchanged in a strange kind of barter
We’ve got the weather we deserve, ...we have?
And all because God had the nerve at the risk of stating the bleedin' obvious [altho' nothing surprises me in this game] UNFINISHED SENTENCE ALERT ...'
To take a day off
'Cause He had a bad cough
and leave us with Thor (first reserve).
The first thing you see in Valhalla
Are Vikings dressed up for a Gala
The men in nice frocks
With cross-gartered socks
Think nothing of mimicking Mahler ...taking the second of the 2 rhyming options
There was a great cat called Sylvester
'pon whose skin monstrous boils did fester
This great suppuration
-- viscous, pustuled libation --
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