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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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Last year was the year of the whores ...as the Chinaman said...
I can tell you, that opened some doors
Of brothels, mayhap?
(For some lucky chap)
Who tasted temptation live ne'er before
There once was a girl in Hong Kong
Who rode on her (w)horse all night long ..obligatory...?
When daytime would break,
Her backside would ache
Because she'd been riding all wrong.
What sort of riding was she doing? ...coat time I think...
What sort of verse are you pursuing?
It's not quite a limerick
Never mind, we'll give it a lick
And know good writing we're eschewing.
Cheese is nice but it can smell quite bad....
Like the Black-Belted Stilton I once had…
It walked to my plate
Its blue eyes filled with hate
And said, "You're a terrible cad."
A penguin can make a good pet
Except that it won't see the vet
Appetite voracious Cost you a bomb in fish.
Oh yes, goodness gracious
The shit will cause trouble you bet!
Her penguin loved drinks ‘on the rocks’
And quaffed them, in slippers and socks
He liked, more than most,
Champagne, and would toast
Antarctica! a land he now mocks.
There once was a Boxer named Stu
Who’d swept many floors, quite a few
He polished and scrubbed
So much, he was dubbed
And then swept ‘cross the floor by Baloo http://www.njboxinghof.org/cgi-bin/henryseehof.pl?73
there once was a mailbox quite red
Its owner was someone who said:
"Penny stamps cost a pound,"
"there's inflation around,"
I'll just send an email instead
Sorry! :(
Once a copper with a huge scabby nose
Danced the Tango with a lass with no clothes
Said the lass to the copper,
Treat me nice... but improper,
And I'll lend you my best pantie-hose.
Is it proper to finish and start?
Is it right to set fire to a fart?
Done both in my time
But now, in my prime,
I'll just sit and tuck into this tart
This tart tastes awful you know.
But it's good enough in a face to throw....?
It's messed up my grammar
P-plays havoc w-with my st-stammer
And makes terrible rumblings below.
Give me ALL of your chocolate cake
Or I'll poke out your eyes with this stake
It may sound extreme
That I love cake and cream
And use violence to get what I take.
The charm of the Icelandic sagas
are great but they drive me Banana's
Think of Noggin the Nog
Or Hoggin the Hog? (never ‘eard of ‘im though)
While you sit eating cod round your agas
Widey... 'Bananas' to rhyme with 'Sagas'??? AND witha greengrocer's apostrophe? Come ON!! And Bigsmith - if you ain't heard of it and had to invent it, why put it in? There was lots of opportunity for a realistic and genuine rhyme there. Pffft. It's obvious I have Quality Issues but I'll get off my high horse now. By the way - did you know the Icelandic grow their own bananas and mangos in glasshouses on the SW coast, heated by geothermal springs?
Wha'd'I do?!
She teasingly said with a smile: hi penelope and thanks, 'making waves' will hopefully help us all lifting ourselves to a higher level (if possible ;-)
"What you're doing is utterly vile" I think Penelope meant to chide Marc rather than Bigsmith. However, "bananas" (correctly punctuated) is in my opinion a perfect rhyme for both "sagas" and "agas", unless you're American.
"Please put it away"
"Without further delay"
"For its size, it just isn't worthwhile!"
A Lim'rick without any chat
Is better than chewing the fat
But the temptation's there [pen] So that's just one greengrocer then... Apostrophes aren't easy to use flippantly!
To leave the line bare [Tuj] I don't like to prostitute myself around several greengrocers, doncha know!!
But everyone frowns upon that [pen] Come and see how the other half live our lives...
Whilst waiting for water to boil,
after a very long day of toil
We just sit by the fire
Planning soon to retire
To a bath with some lavender oil.
It is better not to discuss
The state of Anne Widdecombe's truss
or John Prescott's pants
or Tony Blair's stance
Or the route of the 43 bus.
'Tis thrice thrice thrice thrice thirty days
Since I last made her eyes go all glazed
When I put the pear
In the orifice where
There's a gap in the midst of her stays
When I go digging in the road
If lucky, sometimes I find a toad (?)
Who teaches me scansion
and limerick tension
But rhyme is too hard to be know'd.
The story of the Piltdown Man
Is hidden unknown in this flan
Just one tiny bite
Turned out to be right
The fact he had no pension plan
”Some day I’ll return!”, said his wife
Said he: "Yeah! Not on your life!"
"You're only an ant"
And your humour is scant
and your farts I could cut with a knife.
There once was a man from East Fife (wife, knife and life all barred)
Where strange prohibitions are rife
But some are allowed!
Like Flogging a crowd??
And banning three words in our strife???
There once was a man in Key West
Who wore a spectacular vest
Sort of bloomy with flowers
arbours and bowers How's the toothy-peg, Rosie?
Which, unwashed, did not smell the best.
There once was a hole in the ground (e.g. http://pineapple.homestead.com/Musa.html)
From which came an unspeakable sound
It sounded a bit
Simulposted, rats. You have just been saved from It went "grbthlkqtrrkpsqwlm"
Like "grbthlkqtrrkpsqwlm", and it
Was uttered with menace profound. ... scary stuff
Chalky - once had to witness the birth
buggeration .... I'll start again
Chalky - I once had to witness the birth
Of triplets from a mum full of mirth!
she pushed and she squirmed
And grimaced and gurned
and she now has a much smaller girth. As one does.
Giving birth is a hard way to diet
as not many mums are compliant
Though they foreplay a lot…..
Shelling a tot
Then eat as to feed a huge Giant hm... I’ll make no remarks, I’ll keep quiet!
There once was a man with a bike,
Who managed the Penge Spud-U-Like
He'd deliver hot tatties
Turn clients into fatties
'Til all of them looked quite alike
I once went to play with an eel
but mistook it for a bull seal
I threw a big ball
on the eel it did fall
Then bounced to the seal – No big deal?
There once was a girl who could drive
The third green using wood number five
But when she started putting
Her partner was tutting
It's a wonder that he's still alive!
I've just spent a cool thousand quid
On a barrel of rum-flavoured squid
It tastes quite disgusting
Last time I'll be trusting
That cockney-ish twat next door, Sid!
There's a man down our way who sells beer
Just walked of the end of a Pier
You have one – then pee three
Go swim before tea [ZK - last line above ....fab!]
And know that your drowning is near.
”Keep swimmin’”, she said to her child
. "I'll teach you to git yer Mum riled!"
But the kid replied "Pish!"
"I'll do what I wish"
“Like you, at my age, running wild!”
“What’s that standing up?” said the Blonde,
As she dangled her toes in the pond
"It looks very silly"
As she kicked at a lily
”The bloomers I gave you, James Bond!” You never know the imaginative logics by Blondes…
A virgin once stood on a hill http://www.crystalinks.com/glastonburytor.html
And pranced naked by moonlight until
The dew-dampened grass
Saw this come to pass:
She lost what she had, with great thrill ....and now it's all gone!
A virgin once said to her mother:
I wish that I had a big brother
Because he could beat
A Bach fugue with his feet
Whilst I try to whistle another
I've been at the coconut oil Almost made a very embarrassing typo!
It sootheth my skin and my boil
But my palms and my soles
Are as red as hot coals
Since from the oil they didst recoil
Chalky - Have courage! Be brave and stay strong
You won't be stuck here for too long
There's a train on the way
Will arrive end of May
Singing the Thomas the Tank Engine song!
Screwing the last screw on the plaque
Fasten it better than using tack
The brass bits will shine
If rubbed with red wine
, fresh garlic and damp bladderwrack. *phew*
Take notice of what teachers teach
However, when old preachers preach
You can blithely ignore
Leaning back (please don’t snore!)
On your own private pew made of beech.
I've been stuck in here for a week
With a Spangle stuck to my cheek.... to those too yound to remember Spangles were boiled sweets.
It's beginning to burn - I remember them being chewy...
Both afront and astern
And my hormones are starting to leak. Spangles? Boiled fruit sweet, surely?
Opal Fruits, Sharp's Toffees and Spangles
Flared trousers, the Beatles, and bangles
Are things I keep hid
When I was a kid (oblig)
We never had such – we'd chew rubbles
She said underneath she was nude
I said, "Don't tell me, I'm a prude!"
But she had the pictures
Which had her in strictures
To see these, lots of men, they had queued.
It's sweet and it's made out of string
But I'm sorry - it's just not my thing
Instead, I use plastic
It's rather fantastic!
Please wait, a new hanger I’ll bring.
She once was so sweet I’ve been told
Which made her quite sticky to hold
The more that I licked,
The more that she kicked
And she bucked and she squirmed and she rolled. Mine's the mac, please.
The day I dug up an old jar
I found I was richer by far
When I rubbed it, a genie
Appeared with a weenie for our U.S. readers
All covered in feathers and tar
“Oh gosh what is this?” said my wife,
My draw-ers with kittens are rife!
“So I’m off to the store,”
To get rid of some more!
I said: "It'd be quicker by knife!" door...
The pride of all London's at stake
All based on a common mistake:
"The Olympics make money"
And "Ben Elton's funny"
And the system of transport will break.
She thought for a while and then said:
"The voices are back in my head."
She then clobbered Marc [who seems to be fixated by 'she']
(It's the ol' monthly lark!) ducks to avoid the Chalkwhip.
And dragged him back home to her bed. ..where she mended his now swollen head!
There once was a nun from Tibet
Who took an old yak to the vet
The prognosis was grim
They castrated him
Though the yak hasn't been seen to yet.
There once was a miss from Montana
Who wore a most striking bandana
Its colour suggested
Her hair was infested
in a most disagreeable manner.
There once was a man with a big
- I'm sorry! I meant to say brig -
that's a goal, to the wise Jail, Goal, Brig, Prison.
First he lives – then he dies(?) ...my summerhouse is called The Brig cause once there lived an old inmate...
My Brig has a two-masted rig. ...how did we navigate to arrive here…?
He sailed ‘round the world with no stop,
in a boat, he bought from a shop?????
However, a leak [widey] Bold text please
And a worrying squeak
Meant the trip, on the whole, was a flop.
Keep it simple, it seems to work well
Said a greybeard who lived in a dell
Just like me and my goat
We’re not rocking the boat
But we're making a terrible smell
The words of this terrible song
Are meaningless, dire, just wrong
If only Jonathon King
The words of this terrible song
Are meaningless, dire, and just wrong
If Jonathon King
carry on...
Had played less with the thing I'm safe saying this with so many police about, eh?
He’d written for leather and thong.
The words of this terrible song
Are meaningless, dire, and wrong
And if Jonathan King
Had played less with his thing
He’d finished it not before long
There once was a Lim’rick Police
Who gave orders to sist and decease
But he came unstuck
His apostrophe
damn - simulpost. After you Darren...
…when hit by a ----(wrooom)--Truck---->
[KH - you were also hit I guess ?]
And the correction brings no real relief.
A frenchman, by name Apostrophe
Had daughters called Fifi and Sophie - assuming he was meant to be "Apostrophe"
Really charming damsels
Loved to kiss their dick-cissels
A sparrow-like bird (Spiza Americana) native to southern Ontario
And a chap by the name of Annan, Kofi
A line of the times
That last one didn't quite work :-) - never mind, tomorrow's another day ...

If questioned, I don't give a damn

What the menu says; just give me spam!
and eggs with fries
and what six fifty buys
Including one pint and a giant Dram. (... Cheers all!)
It seemed as he’d slept in his suite,
He sure wasn't tidy or neat [Marc - did you mean 'suit' I wonder?]
...sure KH, it was that huge Dram causing my keyboard to slip... sorry ;-)
...then maybe you would like to rhyme otherwise?
It seemed as he’d slept in his suit
He sure wasn't tidy nor cute
But somehow he charmed
All those that he harmed
With a whack from his oversized feet / With a jig on his badly tuned flute
P.S. antiknees is ashamed of his unemboldened text. he blames ignorance.
Antiknees is forgiven...
...this time
"Look here" he said, with a grin
as he flashed at the girl in the gym
His camera was bright [antiknees] For help with your bold quest, look here: http://mustela.phyast.pitt.edu/basichtml.html
It's love at first sight
Please watch how I’ve trained my fifth Limb! …he took the next flight to Berlin…?
One night as she played her Violin
Something went "twang" deep within
"It's my G-string!" she thought loadsa rhymes 'ere... take your pick!
"The one I just bought"
"From that flea market back in Berlin."
She was bored, so moved up to a harp
Cause her chin had been formed kind of sharp(...by squeezing the fiddle)
The harp cut it flat
forming a gap!
The blood sounded 'Splat'; And she gasped her new gap like a carp.
There once was a party in Lerwick
With whiskey, beer and grilled Slippery Dick
DAMMIT. Why can't people come up with things that even *approximately* rhyme and scan? I seem to remember that "Lerwick" rhymes with words like "Eric" and "hysteric", not to mention place names like "Berwick". "Slippery Dick" is never going to be a rhyme, not even if you put the stress completely wrongly on the "er" of "slippery".

Sorry about the rant, but I just also read the truly terrible ending by one or two Wideys to the previous one, in which again all scansion, rhyme and sense were completely lost... You can get away with perhaps mildly stretching *one* of rhyme, scansion, sense and stresses on the correct syllable of the word, but not more than that - for instance, you can't ask for the stress on the completely wrong syllable of "slippery" to make a rhyme *and* interpolate an extra syllable into the rhyme (an "-erick" sound with an "-eridick") at the same time, especially not while already having to stress the completely wrong word earlier in the line (in this case the "and"). It just doesn't make sense. Not only is Willie Rushton swirling in his urn, the rest of the ISIHAC team would be doing the same or turning in their graves if they were in fact dead.

Rant ends.

Fiddler - There once was a party in Lerwick and let's try again properly this time...
Where I started to go quite hysteric adding a second line that actually works...
I threw a full glass
erm, I hate to break in here, especially since I completely agree with JLE, but Lerwick is pronounced Ler-wik, not Lerrik. Sorry and all that.
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