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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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Giving birth is a hard way to diet
as not many mums are compliant
Though they foreplay a lot…..
Shelling a tot
Then eat as to feed a huge Giant hm... I’ll make no remarks, I’ll keep quiet!
There once was a man with a bike,
Who managed the Penge Spud-U-Like
He'd deliver hot tatties
Turn clients into fatties
'Til all of them looked quite alike
I once went to play with an eel
but mistook it for a bull seal
I threw a big ball
on the eel it did fall
Then bounced to the seal – No big deal?
There once was a girl who could drive
The third green using wood number five
But when she started putting
Her partner was tutting
It's a wonder that he's still alive!
I've just spent a cool thousand quid
On a barrel of rum-flavoured squid
It tastes quite disgusting
Last time I'll be trusting
That cockney-ish twat next door, Sid!
There's a man down our way who sells beer
Just walked of the end of a Pier
You have one – then pee three
Go swim before tea [ZK - last line above ....fab!]
And know that your drowning is near.
”Keep swimmin’”, she said to her child
. "I'll teach you to git yer Mum riled!"
But the kid replied "Pish!"
"I'll do what I wish"
“Like you, at my age, running wild!”
“What’s that standing up?” said the Blonde,
As she dangled her toes in the pond
"It looks very silly"
As she kicked at a lily
”The bloomers I gave you, James Bond!” You never know the imaginative logics by Blondes…
A virgin once stood on a hill http://www.crystalinks.com/glastonburytor.html
And pranced naked by moonlight until
The dew-dampened grass
Saw this come to pass:
She lost what she had, with great thrill ....and now it's all gone!
A virgin once said to her mother:
I wish that I had a big brother
Because he could beat
A Bach fugue with his feet
Whilst I try to whistle another
I've been at the coconut oil Almost made a very embarrassing typo!
It sootheth my skin and my boil
But my palms and my soles
Are as red as hot coals
Since from the oil they didst recoil
Chalky - Have courage! Be brave and stay strong
You won't be stuck here for too long
There's a train on the way
Will arrive end of May
Singing the Thomas the Tank Engine song!
Screwing the last screw on the plaque
Fasten it better than using tack
The brass bits will shine
If rubbed with red wine
, fresh garlic and damp bladderwrack. *phew*
Take notice of what teachers teach
However, when old preachers preach
You can blithely ignore
Leaning back (please don’t snore!)
On your own private pew made of beech.
I've been stuck in here for a week
With a Spangle stuck to my cheek.... to those too yound to remember Spangles were boiled sweets.
It's beginning to burn - I remember them being chewy...
Both afront and astern
And my hormones are starting to leak. Spangles? Boiled fruit sweet, surely?
Opal Fruits, Sharp's Toffees and Spangles
Flared trousers, the Beatles, and bangles
Are things I keep hid
When I was a kid (oblig)
We never had such – we'd chew rubbles
She said underneath she was nude
I said, "Don't tell me, I'm a prude!"
But she had the pictures
Which had her in strictures
To see these, lots of men, they had queued.
It's sweet and it's made out of string
But I'm sorry - it's just not my thing
Instead, I use plastic
It's rather fantastic!
Please wait, a new hanger I’ll bring.
She once was so sweet I’ve been told
Which made her quite sticky to hold
The more that I licked,
The more that she kicked
And she bucked and she squirmed and she rolled. Mine's the mac, please.
The day I dug up an old jar
I found I was richer by far
When I rubbed it, a genie
Appeared with a weenie for our U.S. readers
All covered in feathers and tar
“Oh gosh what is this?” said my wife,
My draw-ers with kittens are rife!
“So I’m off to the store,”
To get rid of some more!
I said: "It'd be quicker by knife!" door...
The pride of all London's at stake
All based on a common mistake:
"The Olympics make money"
And "Ben Elton's funny"
And the system of transport will break.
She thought for a while and then said:
"The voices are back in my head."
She then clobbered Marc [who seems to be fixated by 'she']
(It's the ol' monthly lark!) ducks to avoid the Chalkwhip.
And dragged him back home to her bed. ..where she mended his now swollen head!
There once was a nun from Tibet
Who took an old yak to the vet
The prognosis was grim
They castrated him
Though the yak hasn't been seen to yet.
There once was a miss from Montana
Who wore a most striking bandana
Its colour suggested
Her hair was infested
in a most disagreeable manner.
There once was a man with a big
- I'm sorry! I meant to say brig -
that's a goal, to the wise Jail, Goal, Brig, Prison.
First he lives – then he dies(?) ...my summerhouse is called The Brig cause once there lived an old inmate...
My Brig has a two-masted rig. ...how did we navigate to arrive here…?
He sailed ‘round the world with no stop,
in a boat, he bought from a shop?????
However, a leak [widey] Bold text please
And a worrying squeak
Meant the trip, on the whole, was a flop.
Keep it simple, it seems to work well
Said a greybeard who lived in a dell
Just like me and my goat
We’re not rocking the boat
But we're making a terrible smell
The words of this terrible song
Are meaningless, dire, just wrong
If only Jonathon King
The words of this terrible song
Are meaningless, dire, and just wrong
If Jonathon King
carry on...
Had played less with the thing I'm safe saying this with so many police about, eh?
He’d written for leather and thong.
The words of this terrible song
Are meaningless, dire, and wrong
And if Jonathan King
Had played less with his thing
He’d finished it not before long
There once was a Lim’rick Police
Who gave orders to sist and decease
But he came unstuck
His apostrophe
damn - simulpost. After you Darren...
…when hit by a ----(wrooom)--Truck---->
[KH - you were also hit I guess ?]
And the correction brings no real relief.
A frenchman, by name Apostrophe
Had daughters called Fifi and Sophie - assuming he was meant to be "Apostrophe"
Really charming damsels
Loved to kiss their dick-cissels
A sparrow-like bird (Spiza Americana) native to southern Ontario
And a chap by the name of Annan, Kofi
A line of the times
That last one didn't quite work :-) - never mind, tomorrow's another day ...

If questioned, I don't give a damn

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