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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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It sounded a bit
Simulposted, rats. You have just been saved from It went "grbthlkqtrrkpsqwlm"
Like "grbthlkqtrrkpsqwlm", and it
Was uttered with menace profound. ... scary stuff
Chalky - once had to witness the birth
buggeration .... I'll start again
Chalky - I once had to witness the birth
Of triplets from a mum full of mirth!
she pushed and she squirmed
And grimaced and gurned
and she now has a much smaller girth. As one does.
Giving birth is a hard way to diet
as not many mums are compliant
Though they foreplay a lot…..
Shelling a tot
Then eat as to feed a huge Giant hm... I’ll make no remarks, I’ll keep quiet!
There once was a man with a bike,
Who managed the Penge Spud-U-Like
He'd deliver hot tatties
Turn clients into fatties
'Til all of them looked quite alike
I once went to play with an eel
but mistook it for a bull seal
I threw a big ball
on the eel it did fall
Then bounced to the seal – No big deal?
There once was a girl who could drive
The third green using wood number five
But when she started putting
Her partner was tutting
It's a wonder that he's still alive!
I've just spent a cool thousand quid
On a barrel of rum-flavoured squid
It tastes quite disgusting
Last time I'll be trusting
That cockney-ish twat next door, Sid!
There's a man down our way who sells beer
Just walked of the end of a Pier
You have one – then pee three
Go swim before tea [ZK - last line above ....fab!]
And know that your drowning is near.
”Keep swimmin’”, she said to her child
. "I'll teach you to git yer Mum riled!"
But the kid replied "Pish!"
"I'll do what I wish"
“Like you, at my age, running wild!”
“What’s that standing up?” said the Blonde,
As she dangled her toes in the pond
"It looks very silly"
As she kicked at a lily
”The bloomers I gave you, James Bond!” You never know the imaginative logics by Blondes…
A virgin once stood on a hill http://www.crystalinks.com/glastonburytor.html
And pranced naked by moonlight until
The dew-dampened grass
Saw this come to pass:
She lost what she had, with great thrill ....and now it's all gone!
A virgin once said to her mother:
I wish that I had a big brother
Because he could beat
A Bach fugue with his feet
Whilst I try to whistle another
I've been at the coconut oil Almost made a very embarrassing typo!
It sootheth my skin and my boil
But my palms and my soles
Are as red as hot coals
Since from the oil they didst recoil
Chalky - Have courage! Be brave and stay strong
You won't be stuck here for too long
There's a train on the way
Will arrive end of May
Singing the Thomas the Tank Engine song!
Screwing the last screw on the plaque
Fasten it better than using tack
The brass bits will shine
If rubbed with red wine
, fresh garlic and damp bladderwrack. *phew*
Take notice of what teachers teach
However, when old preachers preach
You can blithely ignore
Leaning back (please don’t snore!)
On your own private pew made of beech.
I've been stuck in here for a week
With a Spangle stuck to my cheek.... to those too yound to remember Spangles were boiled sweets.
It's beginning to burn - I remember them being chewy...
Both afront and astern
And my hormones are starting to leak. Spangles? Boiled fruit sweet, surely?
Opal Fruits, Sharp's Toffees and Spangles
Flared trousers, the Beatles, and bangles
Are things I keep hid
When I was a kid (oblig)
We never had such – we'd chew rubbles
She said underneath she was nude
I said, "Don't tell me, I'm a prude!"
But she had the pictures
Which had her in strictures
To see these, lots of men, they had queued.
It's sweet and it's made out of string
But I'm sorry - it's just not my thing
Instead, I use plastic
It's rather fantastic!
Please wait, a new hanger I’ll bring.
She once was so sweet I’ve been told
Which made her quite sticky to hold
The more that I licked,
The more that she kicked
And she bucked and she squirmed and she rolled. Mine's the mac, please.
The day I dug up an old jar
I found I was richer by far
When I rubbed it, a genie
Appeared with a weenie for our U.S. readers
All covered in feathers and tar
“Oh gosh what is this?” said my wife,
My draw-ers with kittens are rife!
“So I’m off to the store,”
To get rid of some more!
I said: "It'd be quicker by knife!" door...
The pride of all London's at stake
All based on a common mistake:
"The Olympics make money"
And "Ben Elton's funny"
And the system of transport will break.
She thought for a while and then said:
"The voices are back in my head."
She then clobbered Marc [who seems to be fixated by 'she']
(It's the ol' monthly lark!) ducks to avoid the Chalkwhip.
And dragged him back home to her bed. ..where she mended his now swollen head!
There once was a nun from Tibet
Who took an old yak to the vet
The prognosis was grim
They castrated him
Though the yak hasn't been seen to yet.
There once was a miss from Montana
Who wore a most striking bandana
Its colour suggested
Her hair was infested
in a most disagreeable manner.
There once was a man with a big
- I'm sorry! I meant to say brig -
that's a goal, to the wise Jail, Goal, Brig, Prison.
First he lives – then he dies(?) ...my summerhouse is called The Brig cause once there lived an old inmate...
My Brig has a two-masted rig. ...how did we navigate to arrive here…?
He sailed ‘round the world with no stop,
in a boat, he bought from a shop?????
However, a leak [widey] Bold text please
And a worrying squeak
Meant the trip, on the whole, was a flop.
Keep it simple, it seems to work well
Said a greybeard who lived in a dell
Just like me and my goat
We’re not rocking the boat
But we're making a terrible smell
The words of this terrible song
Are meaningless, dire, just wrong
If only Jonathon King
The words of this terrible song
Are meaningless, dire, and just wrong
If Jonathon King
carry on...
Had played less with the thing I'm safe saying this with so many police about, eh?
He’d written for leather and thong.
The words of this terrible song
Are meaningless, dire, and wrong
And if Jonathan King
Had played less with his thing
He’d finished it not before long
There once was a Lim’rick Police
Who gave orders to sist and decease
But he came unstuck
His apostrophe
damn - simulpost. After you Darren...
…when hit by a ----(wrooom)--Truck---->
[KH - you were also hit I guess ?]
And the correction brings no real relief.
A frenchman, by name Apostrophe
Had daughters called Fifi and Sophie - assuming he was meant to be "Apostrophe"
Really charming damsels
Loved to kiss their dick-cissels
A sparrow-like bird (Spiza Americana) native to southern Ontario
And a chap by the name of Annan, Kofi
A line of the times
That last one didn't quite work :-) - never mind, tomorrow's another day ...

If questioned, I don't give a damn

What the menu says; just give me spam!
and eggs with fries
and what six fifty buys
Including one pint and a giant Dram. (... Cheers all!)
It seemed as he’d slept in his suite,
He sure wasn't tidy or neat [Marc - did you mean 'suit' I wonder?]
...sure KH, it was that huge Dram causing my keyboard to slip... sorry ;-)
...then maybe you would like to rhyme otherwise?
It seemed as he’d slept in his suit
He sure wasn't tidy nor cute
But somehow he charmed
All those that he harmed
With a whack from his oversized feet / With a jig on his badly tuned flute
P.S. antiknees is ashamed of his unemboldened text. he blames ignorance.
Antiknees is forgiven...
...this time
"Look here" he said, with a grin
as he flashed at the girl in the gym
His camera was bright [antiknees] For help with your bold quest, look here: http://mustela.phyast.pitt.edu/basichtml.html
It's love at first sight
Please watch how I’ve trained my fifth Limb! …he took the next flight to Berlin…?
One night as she played her Violin
Something went "twang" deep within
"It's my G-string!" she thought loadsa rhymes 'ere... take your pick!
"The one I just bought"
"From that flea market back in Berlin."
She was bored, so moved up to a harp
Cause her chin had been formed kind of sharp(...by squeezing the fiddle)
The harp cut it flat
forming a gap!
The blood sounded 'Splat'; And she gasped her new gap like a carp.
There once was a party in Lerwick
With whiskey, beer and grilled Slippery Dick
DAMMIT. Why can't people come up with things that even *approximately* rhyme and scan? I seem to remember that "Lerwick" rhymes with words like "Eric" and "hysteric", not to mention place names like "Berwick". "Slippery Dick" is never going to be a rhyme, not even if you put the stress completely wrongly on the "er" of "slippery".

Sorry about the rant, but I just also read the truly terrible ending by one or two Wideys to the previous one, in which again all scansion, rhyme and sense were completely lost... You can get away with perhaps mildly stretching *one* of rhyme, scansion, sense and stresses on the correct syllable of the word, but not more than that - for instance, you can't ask for the stress on the completely wrong syllable of "slippery" to make a rhyme *and* interpolate an extra syllable into the rhyme (an "-erick" sound with an "-eridick") at the same time, especially not while already having to stress the completely wrong word earlier in the line (in this case the "and"). It just doesn't make sense. Not only is Willie Rushton swirling in his urn, the rest of the ISIHAC team would be doing the same or turning in their graves if they were in fact dead.

Rant ends.

Fiddler - There once was a party in Lerwick and let's try again properly this time...
Where I started to go quite hysteric adding a second line that actually works...
I threw a full glass
erm, I hate to break in here, especially since I completely agree with JLE, but Lerwick is pronounced Ler-wik, not Lerrik. Sorry and all that.
It hit some bird's arse (Watty) Yep, it's Lur-wick. But JLE is dead right. Some of this stuff is truly awful, considering that this site is not a chatroom for spotty herberts. You can't be witty all the time, but at least you can play in tune, so to speak. Nnnnngh!
I had to hide from her quick
Obviously there are as many opinions of what are correct (wittiest or most exact or what?) Limerick rhyme and meter as there are contributors to this marvellous site. Let’s all face this and let us continue to do our very best in our mutual efforts to have fun and to, eventually, create the most perfect Limerick that has ever been seen!
There once was a party in Lerwick
Where things started go quite hysteric
I threw a full glass
It hit some bird's arse
All night then her bottom I’d to lick
Sorry to interrupt your harsh mood but anyway…
...my humble effort to give the 'Lerwick'-one a happy ending is way out of tune!
Let him without wit cast first line, http://www.ajokes.com/jokes/845.html
The lack of wit can be a sign Let's not descend into more scansion wars. The way I see it is, if you're getting annoyed by one game, then just play another instead. That's what I do these days.
of mind now far gone
With a nice butter'd scone ;-) - I'm on the fence about this one. Scansion wars definitely suck, but although there are a lot of opinions about what makes a good limerick, that doesn't mean there is no convergence, and that all conventions can safely be ignored. IMO, a good limerick is a successful interplay between form, coherence and humour - it's not necessary for all to be perfect and sometimes the one or the other takes precedence, but if all three are weak, why bother? And while it's true players can just look the other way for a while if the quality descends below their personal threshold, sometimes that means witty people don't bother to post any more and the enjoyment of the whole community can degrade a bit.
Definitely with Porojoy on this one, as I've often found myself substituting a less witty line for one that remotely scans, or even (horrors!) moving on without posting, which some seem loathe to do. Oh, and Rosie's point on "Spotty Herberts" is superb!
But the nurses all say I'll be fine
The courage to lurk and not post
Is managed quite swift by the most ...the cowards who lurk....?
Disgusting of beasts
(namely Jesuit priests) [Rosie] 'chatroom for spotty herberts' Love it :-)
who fear naught but the Holy Ghost. (Chalky, Tuj) You're very kind. I had thought the term might date me, but it seems to live on. :-)
There once was a world with no oil
No more could farmers till their soil Hi all! You've been very busy this weekend!
With tractors but horses
Applied all their forces
To replace it with all day long toil.
Tomorrow's the Transit of Venus
To miss it would really be heinous
From where I am standing
I can see the branding
A good tan I'll get as a bonus
There once was a girl with no luck
Although she was not short of pluck almost oblig
So she'd stand on the street Where will this lead...?
and the men she did meet
Would find themselves short of a buck.
I'm pressing the button marked "Panic"
Because the last verse was Satanic
They've issued a fatwa
I'll be boiled in a vat. Waah! Not easy, that, Raak.
[Rosie] Poetic necessity, I'm afraid.
Oh, Heavens! It's made me quite manic.
I once knew a lady from China. Help yerselves.
In swearing she trained her Hill Myna
This most vocal bird
Could quote Richard the Third
I've not seen a rendition finer.
Having partaken of a wee tipple. Yep, it's the same ploy as before.
an event that makes barely a ripple So you tell me. :-)
I like to find girls
With cute little curls Really!
Then try to get hold of a free nipple. …shame on you Darren!
There once was a girl, oh so daring!
With dresses much flesh she was baring
Her gossamer thong
To put on, took too long
so certain parts got a good airing.
At school I was most fond of Rugger Yep, still employing the same shameless tactic I'm afraid.
I earnt the nickname of "Tugger" [Thrax] Oh yes indeed!
When deep in the scrum
I'd never be glum
With my nose in the arse of ‘Fart Slugger”.
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