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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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But Ricky is just
Earning a crust
Aboard that knackered old boat on the Humber . . . thought I'd administer a swift but humane killing. Ricky obviously didn't capture imaginations. Moving swiftly on . . .
Emblazoned across the wall
Are the words, "This is nothing at all"
"There is nothing to see"
"If you don't pay a fee"
But fork out and the sight will appall
Nasturtiums are an edible bloom lovely in salads!
Which are currently enjoying a boom
But pansies, they say
Will make you turn gay This is one of those oblig ones, isn't it
And a tulip's a portent of doom.
A great metropolitan man
Alighted the train at East Ham
He walked several miles
Towards Chalfont St Giles
And declared Mrs Trellis a sham
I'm not taking prisoners today
I will eat all who get in my way
"Any chance of a fork?"
I asked of a dork
Then I tucked into him straight-away!
When exposing a snake in the grass
Be careful you act with some class
Otherwise, keep it schtum
By inserting your thumb
And heading it off at the pass
It's painful to make the admission
That your power is from nuclear fission
But it's safer than coal
But on the whole
just leave it to your electrician
Garden sparrows, wrens, finches and tits
Can all be assembled from kits
Using small bits of wire
And an old rubber tyre
And a car engine, taken to bits.
The beauty of avian construction
Is the match of its form to its function
You must get this right
For the things to take flight
Lest they plummet on down to destruction.
The terrible thing about crows
Is that I've got three stuck up my nose
They peck at my eyes
Unbutton my flies
and crap all over my toes
My budgie looks terribly strange
I think it's got some sort of mange
It's purple and green
It's lost all its sheen
And it's singing "Oh, Home on the Range"
To make sense of the birds and the bees
one must crawl on one's hands and one's knees
And look for a clue
About what to do
Re. the mating behaviour of fleas
In Ottawa, during the blackout, (Just got back)
I got my adventuring pack out [UK] Love the last line of the budgie one.
My Leatherman tool
My good old slide rule
And a Packet of three (just about) My good old slide rule
It was just as the night turned to dawn
When I decided to blow on my horn
I woke up the neighbours
By tossing them cabers
I sell it as DIY porn
A spider just ran up my leg just to creep certain people out..:)
And left, in my knickers, an egg (there are certain recurring themes here...)
For warm incubating . . . assuming the knickers are warm
And the chance of creating
Thousands of spiders - oh smeg!
A wasp laid its eggs in my foot
Then stung me, the ungrateful brute What is this? David Cronenberg Limerick hour? yeuugh...
[blamelewis] I'll spare you "There are maggots infesting my brain" then.
Its progeny hatched - Does Software not know about the magic of the >b< tag?
>b< even.
I give up.
and were swiftly despatched . . . having problems Darren? hehehe.
By a blow to the head from my boot - How about the magic <b> tag, Darren? - I find it works better :)
With killer bugs eating my face,
I sprayed myself well with some Mace
Then to cut out the pain
I cut out my brain
And replaced it with Chantilly lace . . . like you do :-)
Thus spake Zarathrustra (to me):
"It's lovely to be a Parsee"
For when you are dead
You get breakfast in bed
and in mid-afternoon, you get tea.
"Ecce homo!" he cried to the crowd
"How dare you?" I replied aloud
He said, "Ooh get her!"
Then his fists were a blur
Thus to prove his manhood and stand proud.
With a deafening cry of "Eureka!"
Duncan Smith took a swing at the Speaker.
He took up the Mace
Wiped the egg off his face
And became the Commons' first streaker.
I've run up a slate at the bar
As a Silk this is just about par.
Then I ran down a bike,
Ran into a dyke,
Which won't take my career very far slack... but a mercy killing.
The rich make their to Cancun
Gah! YES! let's try again..
The rich make their way to Cancun
The poor remain stuck in Rangoon
And that's where they'll stay
'Til they make their way
to their graves, with their rice bowl and spoon.
There's nothing like bright merry laughter
For post-coital gloom the day after
So tickle me pink
With a blinky wink wink
On the other hand - just go and shaft 'er. - COAT!!!
Oh, dear! I appear to be dead.
I wish I was living instead.
I should not have jumped
Can I claim I was bumped?
Or I sleepwalked off of Beachy Head?
Your Honour, the verdict is clear.
And I tell you, without any fear
The defendant's a duck
At him throw the book
- he's guilty of rhymes worse than Lear. phew!
The trouble with Britain today
Is the Gummint won't do things my way
If I were dictator
I'd sort out this state, or
sulk, pout and call you all "Gay"!
The head of Alfredo Garcia
Is, sadly, now missing an ear
It got pulled right off
By a dodgy old toff
Who'd had far to many crates of Beer
Announcing my can-di-da-cy,
I'd like to become an MP
I've reached the right weight
Appeared on 'Blind Date'
And now, Captain Peacock, I'm free-eee
Alighting the train in Pristina
I met a cute girl called Christina
She was going my way
(and we did have all day)
But all she would drink was Ribena
The best way to piss off a rhino
Is to tweak him and call him a wino
Then pull down your pants
Do the St Vitus dance
Mind the horn, though 'cos it can be final! (employing "Cockney Cheeky Chappy" convention)
While out in the bush, hunting dik-dik,
I ran from a snake, very quik-quik
However, the beetle
Though not eating meat'll
Still make a bloke feel quite sick-sick.
Let's all go and moon David Blaineyarr..
Yes! We could meet up on the train! Arrr!!
We'll stand in a line Avast! what a sight we be! Yarrr!
And drink buckets of Wine
And drop all our pants in the rain
[Sorry to hog two lines, but I have to know...]
Will somebody kindly explain
The point of this tit, David Blaine
Is it just show biz
Does anyone know? Is
It worth bringing him up again?
If you swallowed him bring him up quick!
He'll be right if you make yourself sick!
Your face went quite red
At the mention of Fred
Have you eaten him too, you great prick? - I'll be needing that coat after all.
Well, now that I've broken my wrist - and will be in agonising pain for the next 4-6 weeks thanks to some idjit learner driver...
You'll be spared the caress of my fist[MF] Commiserations. Sue!
And the way that I pass
my hand over your ass sorrysorrysorry - I don't know what's come over my this morning ...
To fondle your sebaceous cyst - yughk ! [pen] Don't call Martha, Sue, he doesn't like it.
I hate that I've become a mute I've still got no voice!
But still I am sexy and cute
The sight of my curves
And my shimmying swerves
Is sweeter than the sound of a lute.
[D, UK, R & Bm] dead right too :o)
Discovered "in flagrant delight",
I am on display every night
Flagrante delicto
With my fragrant big toe
Who says such a thing can't be right?
I've recorded my thoughts onto tape
on the music from "The Great Escape"
This suicide note
I leave in your coat
as you seem to have mislaid your cape
Come workers, and throw off your chains!
Let's go, and destroy all the trains!
Our bold insurrection
Means we'll miss our connection
And we we'll wait for three hours at Staines
When you find yourself gasping for air
And no-one around seems to care
Take a deep mental breath
be prepared for your death
And kiss farewell to your derriere oblig.
Let's all go out with a bang
And a zoom and a whizz and a clang
For with any luck
We'll hit more than a duck
And the rest of the world can go hang!
It was twenty years ago today
Sgt.Pepper thought Lennon was gay
So he tried a test
And then pulled off his vest
And found Yoko Ono in play!
I'd like to be under the sea
And take part in the Whale's Jamboree
The octopus can
make mincemeat of man
With tentacles one, two and three
But tentacles four, five and six to continue a second verse...
are for en-tire-ly separate tricks
Pick a card, any card...
... study it, long and hard
And the tentacles will beat you with sticks.
Now, tentacles seven and eight (Oblig.)
(the subjects of fiercesome debate)
Are they just spares? (Chalky) Fearsome? Fierce? :-)
Used only on stairs?
or just put on show in the Tate? -like dead sheep...
But all the tentacles have suckers The grand finale! :)
When aroused, every one of them puckers
into shape most beguiling
The creature is smiling
No wonder! It's caused a great ruckus. [Rosie - re. above] yeah - one of my invented words.
While making a nice good thick gravy Without lumps, I'll have you know.
An art which I learned in the navy
I dropped in the pot
A crusty old Scot
- when he came out, his curlies were wavy. There is no alternative ...
We were sad when Pants went away Yes, we were :-(
It was oh such a very sad day
For both players and vicars Hmm... anyone in a real 'Friday afternoon' frame of mind care to follow on...?
Are bereft of their knickers ... wondering if there was a ruder word I could have used . .
As they squat in the cats litter tray
If you catch a whiff of ammonia,
You should travel at once to Livonia
Eùmist kõrd mierdõ (Carpe Diem invoked)
You've pissed up me 'airdo Er . . .Will this do?
And now I've got double pneumonia ... best I could do - given the bizarre switch to 'first person'.
I don't mind the getting up early
When the dawn is tendrilled and pearly
But what I can't stand
Is the touch of your hand
That's caressing my Curly Wurly
I once was attacked by a squirrel
Whilst using an epidural only 2 rhymes left, unless someone uses their imagination..
Which I had received
in my dire hour of need (snorgle) Where's Birkenhead?
from a backstreet old quack, name of CyrilScouse avoidance invoked
To make a relationship work
IDS must convince us he's sane - uphill struggle in Blackpool
Bugger, simulpost, Hi Chalks, BTW
One must not act up like a jerk - going with Chalks, on this one.
To make a relationship work
One must not act up as a jerk
By groping those bits
That the hand nicely fits
you'll drive any female berserk. (Uncle K) Birkenhead - Wirral, squirrel. :-)
A microwave oven will cook
An elk, a badger, or rook
But if you try bison .. oh dear - more animal cruelty. See Orange - NB. not for the squeamish
or even Mike Tyson
It could get quite ugly - don't look!
The loveliest boy in the school
Is usually gay, as a rule Squirrel and Wirral don't rhyme to me!
You can tell by his satchel
He hangs out with Tatchell (thanks for the feed, Chalky)
He's as gay as a damsel Oh, dear, Chalks, another duff rhyming word
Bugger simulpost
At Eton, being camp is thought cool might as well get this over with.
Never mind, Softers. Rest assured, I would never post anything that didn't have a rhyme - but in this case, there was really only the one which rab picked up. Now for linesperson duty ...
When simulposted, I just stare
At a line which ain't meant to be there
My brilliance is wasted!
My genius untasted!
And my fine words are all rendered spare.
While studying a map of Belgrade
On my yacht (for I'm rather well paid)
There's a gaping big hole
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