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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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but his quests for a duck...
met with naught but a cluck
From a rather alarmed plat-y-pus.
nice one :-)
Today I am going to try
To greet everyone with a lie
It'll be such a whopper
You won’t see it’s improper
It's "My, you look nice, oh my my!"
I have just seen a long Chinese play
It lasted three weeks and a day
Now my bum is so sore
but I slept through one third
bugger siml-posts strikes again...
I really should have wore
Pink knickers and my fat butt toupee? what do I know, I wasn’t even there!
There once was a Chinese Chinese, (may one use the same word as adjective and as a noun?? Confucius would approve I’m sure!)
Who consumed chinese fleas with his peas
Which was fiendish, because
just by sweeping the floors
He filled up his spring rolls with ease.
There once was a strange type of fly
Which zipped down from shoulder to thigh
Revealing a torso
With no front, nor verso (sorry for the crappy rhyming)
a very strange insect, by and by. Naff I know but so what...
King Klaus can reclaim his old crown
and he did with a scowl and a frown
Unlike ol' King cole
Who just toyed wiyth his bowl
And enjoyed a good party in town!
Begorrah, 'tis St. Paddy's day! No offence to the Irish intended
(My apologies for the cli-shay)
There'll be drinking of Guinness Might as well kepp it going :)
There’ll be puking and illness (sorry!)
And a hangover for all of next day.
It's David's Day down here in Wales Really.
I bought my calendar, cheap in the sales
And I'm flying my flag
Lest my fervour should sag
I’ll fix it firm with a couple of nails? Ymddiheurwn am unrhyw anghyfleustra y mae hyn yn ei achosi.
She shivered when his hand touched her knee
Then recovered and quoted her fee
Which was four sticks of rock
and an old carriage clock
Three badgers and twenty-five pee
While whisking up Angel Delight (Marc) Ardderchog yw hwnna (Excellent, that). Phrasebook?
I gave all the angels a fright
By souring the mix
With two pheasant chicks [eeuw!]
And all had to take the next flight. [Rosie] No phrasebook, pure chance! (http://www.llgc.org.uk/)
There once was a chaste girl who said:
" I want to be chased into bed"
"Then chased up the aisle"
"(But chased with some style)"
"And, if not, chased with ardour instead"
A man's got to do, what his woman says,
Let's replay that in the correct rhythm as it's a first line ..
a'mouse - A man does what his woman says
Chalky - When his heart and his loins are ablaze
A man's got to do, what his woman says, ...please take it from here again, thx...
Whenever his heart and, his loins are ablaze
It cuts down on trouble
But leaves behind stubble [anonymouse/Chalky] I think the line does scan if you treat "woman says" as a feminine rhyme ("A man's got to do what his woman says", rather after the manner of "A marvellous bird is the pelican.
But it does mean players have to find something to rhyme with "woman says", which is arguably a bit of a mean challenge to set... as there aren't many rhymes for "woman" or "says".
anonymouse - if I'd wanted to post an 11- syllable line in a Limerick I would have done so and stretched even beyond sonnet metre. If you're offended then I apologise - helpful limer-rhythm hints have long been a feature of these games ... honest!
And then he will need a sharp raze -or
In order to drive out the blues
Lets order a vodka and juice We all must allow for the rule of 'cy pres'! (alternative ending on previous masterpieace, mening we must try doing our best, also pacing our fellow poets
I'll start again then .. and I promise to do my very very best
Chalky - It's high time you all went to see
The next pub, all drinks are on me! Sorry, my keyboard made an unexpected move ;-). My comment should have read: previous masterpeace (sic!), meaning we must all try doing our best, including pacing
For the barmaid's tattoos unfini...
Show two jugs full of booze
And she'll let you taste them for free!
In order to drive out the blues re-entering...
Let's order a Vodka and juice
four pints of Old Scrotum,
one shot antidotum
Nothing but sobriety to lose
Napoleon said to his men
”Don’t march like a newly screwed hen!” (sorry, maybe my translation is not exact...?)
"You must march upright"
"And only at night"
"And cluck when I tell you when."
Who my new doctor is, I don't know,
But nonetheless I'll boldly show
Where my problems lie Or should that be 'how'?
Whether low or high
For its either my eye or my toe
Subtract the first number you thought of
And you will get zero, or sort of
Then add what is left
With algebra deft
This defeats your average plus-four toff.
The youth of the heart, and the dew
Has left my back wet, déjà vu? Hi Projoy, nice line! http://sniff.numachi.com/~rickheit/dtrad/pages/tiYOUTHART.html
And old age shall dry
The spit on my thigh The orange gore-tex please...
As maturity changes one's view
Collating statistical data
Concerning spontaneous stigmata
Is what I do best
Dressed in just pants and vest Beg pardon. I've used the line before, but it's a favourite.
And my fee is just barely pro rata
In day-glo bikini and shoes Warnings against drinking Lucozade at this time in the morning
Mrs Thatcher began to peruse Sorry, couldn't resist it
A bazaar in Bangcock
where she had the key for a lock
To unleash a large herd of gnus
Ted Heath was renowned for his views
To express which he'd never refuse
Took no sinecure up
with his keenness on Europe (Projoy) Is this what you were looking for? Happy to oblige. :-)
And that is the end of the news.
one bright Sunday morning in May
I heard Edward Heath try to say
"Oi! Get off my face!" [Rosie] Yes, much obliged to you. :)
"I'm trying to race!"
“Before you find out that I’m gay!”
An MP once said to his wife:
"I will not do 'This Is Your Life'!
But next day in the Sun
On page number 1
"My childhood was rough" claims were rife
Is hist'ry repeating itself?
By getting all news off the shelf ?
Again and again?
it all seems the same!
All gone is our News Fairy Elf? (... if she ever existed?)
There once was a virgin in Brest
Whose secret was hid 'neath a vest
She never removed it
But there was s surfeit
Of hair, so she covered her chest.
I met with a man in a tent
In the garden of England, or Kent
But the Medway's in spate
And he may become late (As in, "the late Arthur Dent".)
Cause I noticed his wiener was bent
I’m sure that I’ve lived once before
For circa ten years and three score
t'was the life of a monk
To such depths had I sunk
-- Reincarnation is really a bore!
My brain is beginning to hurt
As soon as I look up a skirt
While I lie on the floor
'cos from there you see more
I'm the most extreme kind of flirt.
Can I get fifty kilos of cheese?
In my handbag? I can if I squeeze
Add twelve boxes of wine ...party time?
A large 'Party' sign ... oh yes!
And thus make a trap for John Cleese
Go on - do your funniest walk!
The one where you make like a stork
And bring in a baby.
Or make one? (well, maybe....)
or is it no action and all talk!.
Don't ply me with gifts and strong drink!
They impede my ability to think!
That I’m witty and wise!
And I have slender thighs
And alcohol makes my breath stink.
We're one hour late and we’re free!
We defected from old B.S.T
Now the evenings are lighter [pen] GMT, shurely?
And our future seems brighter
So why can't we stick with C.E.T?
When something just doesn't make sense
It's best not to get too intense
Say "La la, don't care!"
Or say a li’l prayer?
It's much better to sit on the fence.
Few things leave me sadder than this:
It's too long since I last had a kiss :o(
and it's not halitosis Perish the thought!
Or unflattering clotheses
I guess Cupid's arrow did miss.
A miss is as good as a mile
A wink is as good as a smile
But a mink is as good
As a corduroy hood
And far more elegant in style.
There once was a miss dressed in mink
Beneath, she wore lingerie, pink
. She wore sandals of teak
On her face, a false beak
And a carrot where no-one would think!
There once was a parrot named Jack (Good line Uncle!)
And the toughest of nuts he would crack
But he swore like a trooper or schoolgirls on the top of a bus
, was a real party pooper
And was rough with the chicks in the sack.
Beware, cause soon it’s April fools day
And tricks upon you they will play
Putting salt in your tea
Playing reverse MC
And telling your mother you're gay
Not that I'm planning anything...
Its fun to get back at your mate
And set him up with a blind date
Who is genuinely blind
And hopefully don’t mind
Going halves on whatever you ate
I sense that I came here before
And hope you forgive and ignore
My latest faux pas
When I called your mama
A nag and quite frankly, a bore
There once was a fellow called Eric
A really exceptional cleric
He had just one vice
He was frightened by mice
So he ate them and that is barbaric ! (says anony-mouse!)
A ravishing woman in need
Is something to treasure indeed
But no mere hussy
Would ere be so fussy
'bout choosing with whom she should breed! Coat!!!
A secret held by Michael Grade
A drink that makes old maidens laid: http://www.expressmedia.co.uk/malcrfl/grade.htm
Try with Baileys, it works
And one of the perks
Is you're paid if you sprayed when she's splayed
I have time for the old BBC
And, yet, it has no time for me
Disillusioned by Hutton,
I'll push the 'OFF' button,
and then explode in a fit of joy and glee!!
The great thing about Channel 4
Is you know that you've seen it before And now on Channel Four...Friends....
This is Global, you know! ... not only Channel 4, also Chanel 5!
And our favourite show
Will be screened several times more
When sick, ill or poorly, one should
Get hold of a quarter, one could?
Whatever that means
In hot fever dreams
Be a fraction more to the good
When faced with a barrage of lies
And attempts to pull wool o'er my eyes
I'll start screaming, in Welsh
And then loudly belch
"Mae hi wedi cachi arna i"s!"
The languages spoken in Wales
, As one pulls from ones eyes certain scales,
Seem quite out of tune
With 'Au Clair de la Lune
Though singing when telling Welch tales
His name was Llywelyn the Last
And he spoke in Welsh - very fast
His demise, it was gory
But it made a great story
With choruses sung by the cast.
His last name, 'tis true, was Llewellyn
He was known as a renegade felon
'though Polish by birth
he lived on Welsh earth
Ball kicking, but loves honey melon (o)(o) ! Gareth or Chris Llewellyn?
She played with his balls every night ...new ball game...?
Even tho' her interest was slight
But she found that the perks
Of sleeping with berks
Made playing with balls quite all right.
The sock hops I hold in my shed
Has made all my neighbours see red
There's blood up the walls
and stains on my balls!
Next time I will make them co-ed
He was told by his dear Uncle Andy:
"My boy, I am feeling quite randy"
He ran off with a cry
When I bit his thigh
Cause he feared I was after his candy.
In search of a drink alcoholic
To make my pet terrapin frolic
I chancéd upon
Spiked tea from Ceylon
For which all claims are quite hyperbolic. Worth a try, though, I'm sure. :-) (Chalky) V. classy!
These stories are utterly false
I’ve heard from the rear of the horse false rhyme warning!
They're a load of manure (Marc) Yeah, difficult, but there is a rhyme for "false", which I'm saving for line 5, unless someone else gets there first.
And their rhythm unsure though somewhat dancing, Rosie?
It sounds like a hesitant waltz.
The night-clubs of old Budapest (anonymouse, Darren) through which flows the Blue Danube, of course.:-)
Won't let anyone in in a vest
The dress code's so strict
And guests are handpicked
But once in, you can then get undressed.
The most famous thing about York (that last one was great!)
Was his monstrous penchant for 'pork' (Prince Andrew, Duke of York, and whichever form of pork you fancy)
But he fell on his sword
Whene'er he was bored
And then stabbed his fat rear with a fork
One morning they'd breakfast in bed,
The next they would play being dead
On the third, they'd be silly
By smearing hot chili
all over, including his head. Hot stuff!
There once was a woman who wrote:
"You can't beat good sex with a goat.
"The foreplay's not great,
But the horn is first rate
(Hang on while I go get my coat)
although there were a few inviting alternative rhymes if anyone wants to take another shot at that line...
A dancer named Lionel Blair
Had a secret and torrid affair
With Samantha and Sven
And Bills randy Ben
It broke up 'cos they wouldn't share
There once was a dwarf named Bertie
Whose thoughts was not great, mere dirty
His grammar was poor
His mind so impure ;-)
Girls puked when he tried to get flirty
I've found, by experimenting
That good beer is made by fermenting
hops and pork chops,
Old, used heads of mops
but I did work for Watneys. (Repenting).
Barkeep! A pint of Red Barrel! [T,K,T,s,R] Excellent.
For my hot new date, Colin Farrell! ;o)
Make that four pints for me, ...it's monday morn...
(That'll sure make me wee!)
And some waterproof under-apparel
Would my underwear put out a fire?
Said Marion to Tuck, the Gray Friar,
My incontinence pants
Are alive with red ants
And held up with telephone wire
A Telephone Line...
Whilst sitting in a nest of red ants
He hoped she would take off her pants
But her circumspection
Killed off his erection
And put paid to to her hopes for infants
Bravo all above!
An odd-looking cowgirl named Wendy
Had legs that wer 'specially bendy (don't fight it)
Astride a large horse
She performed intercourse
With a cowboy undressed very trendy.
There once was a horse in the nude
Who lived in a field near to Bude
He frolicked all day
In a meadow of hay
Tap dancing all day in good mood. ( "In the Mood"? http://www.budejazzfestival.co.uk/ )
The stompers are grouping in Bude,
The stompers are grouping in Bude,..sorry, my mind was already there...
The things they are doing are lewd
with a muted trombone
and an old mobile 'phone
It's a wonder they've never been sued
I’m off for vacation today
Meaning all of you should say 'Hooray'
Cause we’re free to work hard
With little regard ... just who is writing this lim now? you? me? all of you? we? they?
For what pointy-haired bosses might say.
I've just had a bitch of a day (I'm sorry, but I really have....)
So please, someone, lead me astray
I yearn to be kinky
SLip into something slinky
and bang away on my Bishop, okay!!.
The Bishop looked down and then said:
Just what is that lying in my bed?
The actress replied
"It can't be denied,"
"Now put your mitre back onto your head."
”Your Holiness this is too much!" ...interesting subject...?
"I'm trying to watch Starsky & Hutch"
"Your bishop, you bash it"
"It's mine, it's an asset!"
"Just keep it away from my crutch!"
He raised his finger and said
"This digit is made out of bread"
"If you're sceptical, suck it"
I did, then threw up in a bucket
And that's how I ended up dead. Obligatory really!
She greased him in balm of Gilead
Then nibbled his earlobes indeed
But the cedars of Lebanon "eed"?
Rose 'round them both,(skip beat) tall and strong "But the cedars of Lebanon" ?
To climb them would need all the will 'e 'ad It rhymes. It scans, more or less.
One reason for hiding in cedars
Seems to have escaped Guardian readers ... well rescued Rosie
But the Times' editorial Inviting obvious rhyme
Is more lavatorial hook, line & sinker
With paper so soft, quoting our leaders. ..imagine Tony Blair on the loo…
As a limerick line this isn't particularly good
But who says it has to scan all the time Dude
There once was a sweet little nun Sorry st dog, trying at the best of my ability. What about you?
Gorged herself on a HUGE sticky bun i am just trying, marc.
Her wimple exploded
Her corsets eroded
For penance, ten thousand "Hail Mary's", now run.
This flattery might turn my head
Keep on and my face will turn red ...from choking?
I'd rather you went
To a Chinaman's tent
And screw up all the sheets in his bed Turning heads and screwing, ...it’s not Friday yet!
Last year was the year of the whores ...as the Chinaman said...
I can tell you, that opened some doors
Of brothels, mayhap?
(For some lucky chap)
Who tasted temptation live ne'er before
There once was a girl in Hong Kong
Who rode on her (w)horse all night long ..obligatory...?
When daytime would break,
Her backside would ache
Because she'd been riding all wrong.
What sort of riding was she doing? ...coat time I think...
What sort of verse are you pursuing?
It's not quite a limerick
Never mind, we'll give it a lick
And know good writing we're eschewing.
Cheese is nice but it can smell quite bad....
Like the Black-Belted Stilton I once had…
It walked to my plate
Its blue eyes filled with hate
And said, "You're a terrible cad."
A penguin can make a good pet
Except that it won't see the vet
Appetite voracious Cost you a bomb in fish.
Oh yes, goodness gracious
The shit will cause trouble you bet!
Her penguin loved drinks ‘on the rocks’
And quaffed them, in slippers and socks
He liked, more than most,
Champagne, and would toast
Antarctica! a land he now mocks.
There once was a Boxer named Stu
Who’d swept many floors, quite a few
He polished and scrubbed
So much, he was dubbed
And then swept ‘cross the floor by Baloo http://www.njboxinghof.org/cgi-bin/henryseehof.pl?73
there once was a mailbox quite red
Its owner was someone who said:
"Penny stamps cost a pound,"
"there's inflation around,"
I'll just send an email instead
Sorry! :(
Once a copper with a huge scabby nose
Danced the Tango with a lass with no clothes
Said the lass to the copper,
Treat me nice... but improper,
And I'll lend you my best pantie-hose.
Is it proper to finish and start?
Is it right to set fire to a fart?
Done both in my time
But now, in my prime,
I'll just sit and tuck into this tart
This tart tastes awful you know.
But it's good enough in a face to throw....?
It's messed up my grammar
P-plays havoc w-with my st-stammer
And makes terrible rumblings below.
Give me ALL of your chocolate cake
Or I'll poke out your eyes with this stake
It may sound extreme
That I love cake and cream
And use violence to get what I take.
The charm of the Icelandic sagas
are great but they drive me Banana's
Think of Noggin the Nog
Or Hoggin the Hog? (never ‘eard of ‘im though)
While you sit eating cod round your agas
Widey... 'Bananas' to rhyme with 'Sagas'??? AND witha greengrocer's apostrophe? Come ON!! And Bigsmith - if you ain't heard of it and had to invent it, why put it in? There was lots of opportunity for a realistic and genuine rhyme there. Pffft. It's obvious I have Quality Issues but I'll get off my high horse now. By the way - did you know the Icelandic grow their own bananas and mangos in glasshouses on the SW coast, heated by geothermal springs?
Wha'd'I do?!
She teasingly said with a smile: hi penelope and thanks, 'making waves' will hopefully help us all lifting ourselves to a higher level (if possible ;-)
"What you're doing is utterly vile" I think Penelope meant to chide Marc rather than Bigsmith. However, "bananas" (correctly punctuated) is in my opinion a perfect rhyme for both "sagas" and "agas", unless you're American.
"Please put it away"
"Without further delay"
"For its size, it just isn't worthwhile!"
A Lim'rick without any chat
Is better than chewing the fat
But the temptation's there [pen] So that's just one greengrocer then... Apostrophes aren't easy to use flippantly!
To leave the line bare [Tuj] I don't like to prostitute myself around several greengrocers, doncha know!!
But everyone frowns upon that [pen] Come and see how the other half live our lives...
Whilst waiting for water to boil,
after a very long day of toil
We just sit by the fire
Planning soon to retire
To a bath with some lavender oil.
It is better not to discuss
The state of Anne Widdecombe's truss
or John Prescott's pants
or Tony Blair's stance
Or the route of the 43 bus.
'Tis thrice thrice thrice thrice thirty days
Since I last made her eyes go all glazed
When I put the pear
In the orifice where
There's a gap in the midst of her stays
When I go digging in the road
If lucky, sometimes I find a toad (?)
Who teaches me scansion
and limerick tension
But rhyme is too hard to be know'd.
The story of the Piltdown Man
Is hidden unknown in this flan
Just one tiny bite
Turned out to be right
The fact he had no pension plan
”Some day I’ll return!”, said his wife
Said he: "Yeah! Not on your life!"
"You're only an ant"
And your humour is scant
and your farts I could cut with a knife.
There once was a man from East Fife (wife, knife and life all barred)
Where strange prohibitions are rife
But some are allowed!
Like Flogging a crowd??
And banning three words in our strife???
There once was a man in Key West
Who wore a spectacular vest
Sort of bloomy with flowers
arbours and bowers How's the toothy-peg, Rosie?
Which, unwashed, did not smell the best.
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