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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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Which show when the geezers wear vests [I don't think I'm particularly lewd or saucy. Not compared to most other people, anyway. In what way should the lewdness and sauciness be curtailed? Any suggestions?]
You're not. T'was a joke.
Such pendulous mounds [Nowt wrong with a touch of sauciness. It all depends on where the line that shouldn't be crossed lies, and that everyone is in agreement with it]
Should be hid, on the grounds
Of upsetting our VIP guests
They say we're all getting obese
But really we're just wearing fleece
On our stag nights we leap
right into the heap...
of roast lamb laced with oodles of grease.
The heat is still on Tony Blair
And his lying colleague Alistair
Now that wasn't quite true
What they claimed they could do
But at least they both tried, for a dare.
Forgive me - for asking you this . . .
Can you hold this while I have a p*ss
it is nothing rude!
although slightly chewed
But beware, it's a mess when I miss.
Whenever you start a new day
Take a deep breath and yell, "Hip Hooray!"
Then take off your pants
Check your recent implants
And your morals will then go astray
I lay myself down now to sleep
On this couch that I found going cheap
But the springs aren't quite right
I'll be up most the night
Installing the ones from my jeep
At lunchtimes, I eat quite a lot
from the buffet - both cold food and hot
My mid-afternoon snack
Matches my brown anorak
Which I flash in, more often than not.
I noticed, whilst having a shower,
That I'd developed my own super power
"Eureka," I cried
As I started to slide . . .oo-er
On the soap for at least half an hour
"She said she was nineteen, yer honour
If I'd known, I would not have lain on her
And bumped up and down (very highbrow!)
And spun round and round
It was later I knew t'was Madonna
It's a 'rollover' weekend again
And so I shall be stripping for men
And then let them grope
In the misguided hope
*with a great effort of will, resists temptation to post line ending in "pen"*
That their fumblings'll score ten out of ten. [CdM - am assuming that the above isn't line 5]
The outcome is certain, that's true [CdM] You're too kind :o)
A bed made especially for two Ooer, missus
With a whip and a rope I'm in a funny mood..;)
Plus some carbolic soap [snorgle :-)]
And a drop of the best superglue.
If you wear a hat, you should know
That it brings you nothing but woe
For when the wind blows
From your head off it throws
Thereby leaving your bald patch on show.
Whilst driving a red Kia Pride
I found a dead body inside
It stank to high heaven
So I drove down to Devon
Where 'twas easier than Oxford to hide.
I do hope that I am not overstepping the line
Oh no! I've done it again!
I've been caught 'below decks' with a WReN
She gave her consent
When our passion was spent
To reveal all I knew to the men.
In an effort to be more appealing
I have plastered myself to the ceiling
From this lofty abode
O'er the family Spode
I would welcome a cup of darjeeling [very Lewis Carroll]
All above - muddy rarvellous!
A mishap while I hoovered the floor
Caused the hoover to suck up the door
The windows and walls
and even my smalls
not to mention my Greenwing Macaw
It's rainy and windy and wet well in Cardiff, anyway, and I'm going to damn well make you all suffer as well!
No respite from that curry, as yet Terrible thing, IBS...
I can still smell the sauce
'Cos I'm farting in Morse sorry people - Uncle K's fault :-)
So best dash, Dot, in case it should set
They say that it's rude to stare
But I really don't care
Also, I smell
Like the cesspits of Hell
'Cause I bathed in yak's milk for a dare [Darren - that's your second smelly third line!]
I suffer from awful BO
You'll smell it wherever I go [That's my third!]
My pox scabs are rotting [Darren - shame - I was feeding you a third line and we simulposted]
And my groin is hotting [Hint: up]
up by the hour, it's gonna blow!! [rab - hint taken, v subtly done :-)]
I cannot believe it's not butter
is not easy to say with a stutter
So I'll spread it with jam
Or bake it with ham
Or beat it at golf with a putter.
I appear to be missing a ball
Said Adolph Hitler, to us all
I'll take one of Goering's
Cute spherical nose-rings
And clip it to Eva Braun's shawl.
I don't like the way that it sounds
When love-making strays out of bounds
And I'm in the next room
On top of a broom
But at least for divorce I have grounds
I'm a hundred and twenty today!
So unless I drop dead
Oh dear - taking rudeness to faint new depths...*Don't I deserve head?*
Before I waste slowly away [Don't be coy, pen - I'm sure we were all thinking the same :-)]
Nothing wrong with a bit of bawdiness.
That's not a limerick line, btw
Now bawdiness just ain't my style lies, lies and more lies ;o)
We'll leave that to Chalky and Kayl
They prefer, so it's said,
To say this instead:
"I love how you shunt as I strile" (Have I had Kayl's pronounciation wrong all this time - i took it to rhyme with shale...? No criticism intended, just curious!)
[blamelewis] I was never too sure, myself, but decided that Kayl is the only MC player I could think of whose name might rhyme, so I used a bit of limeretic licence. And are you telling me your name isn't pronounced bla-melloo-iss?

It's high time that I wrote a first line

You did a good job - that one's fine!
The next one is bad
The fourth one is trad
And this last? Just call it asinine!
Today I must trim all my warts
So I can look good in my shorts
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