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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
The opening of a new site - Looks good so far.
Hurrah I'm the second one here!
I'm right behind, never fear
Take your hand off my knee
Or that expression of glee
Let's move things up to second gear
[erm...why wasn't I bold?]
let's see if this works
As the lim'ricks on rabs site got started
It wasn't for the squeamish or faint-hearted
But those that were bold
Let their talents unfold
While the rest of us merely farted! Mine's the purple velvet one with faux fur trim..
In 1775,
When MC at York first went live
The first move, they say
Was old Hendon Way
(An unusual place to arrive)
You're shutting your lids with a sigh Tupperware's UK offices were based on the top floor of the building I used to work in!
as people have found
for under a pound
You can get blown off by a guy! um, the dirty mac, please..
In the darkest recesses of Whitehall
The PM is holding a ball
It's Alistair Campbell's -
(His member's a shambles)
All mangled and terribly small
I can't get a date for tonight
Is my hair really that bad a sight?
My pheromone spray
Has a pungent bouquet
And the dog has run off in a fright
Lord Limerick is,sadly, deceased
he was last seen travelling East
To the end of line three
With the Maid of Tralee
And a horrible, slavering beast
'Well, it's not worth the effort,' she said
Whilst putting her husband to bed
"He seldom displays..."
"He usually just lays..."
"There and pretends that he's dead"
The baby is starting to crawl
so far his out in the hall
Reaching five miles an hour
WIth formidable power
Uh-oh - he's just stopped for a bawl
I've cleared a space under the stairs
For magic and other strange wares
Next door to a potion
I've some unknown lotion
That makes my hands covered in hairs
I've got a grenade in my case
So you'd better get out of my face!
Lest the Mad Pineapple
burst it to shrapnel I know it don't quite rhyme.
Sorry but it's a can of MACE! - sorry no one else was going to finish it.
Making sense over scansion and rhyme
Is often a complete waste of time
Cos if the words don't fit
They will in a bit
Hell, using too many syllables isn't a crime!
I've taken to riding a horse
but it's a pain in the bum, of course. Ouch!
But enough fiddle-faddle!
Take those spikes off the sdaddle!
[pen] 'blinkered', shurely?
And bloody well show some remorse!
I once had a wonderful dream
That I was passing a stream possible unfinished sentence alert
Of fine single malt whisky
Without taking the piss. Wee unfinished and dubious sense sentence alert...
Badger, quite drunk, shouted "FLEEM!"
Was that the exhaust that fell off?
I asked of a top hatted toff
He sneered down his nose
Out of which grew a rose
And caused the poor top toff to cough
My feeezer's encrusted with ice
And the pantry is chock full of mice Your feeezer? sounds painful
And as for the breadbin,
as well as the dustbin,
is covered completely with lice!
I have no sense of how to behave
Or indeed the way that I should shave
I have a good strop
and a rub down with a mop
And then I am oiled by my slave.
Adding a line because I was gazumped.
Whilst mowing the lawn in the nude
I was spied by my neighbor, the prude
With shears a-flashing
She came, a-dashing
And chopped off my daffodils, how rude!
On a whim today, I decided
To change sex again," he confided
But male or female?
He pondered by email
"Or perhaps I am just miss-guy-ded".
Whilst searching for sun, I found
A Kiwi, gagged and bound
I took off his helmet Oblig.
Which I nailed to the pelmet (In lack-of-rhyme mode there)
As he uttered a whimpering sound
It's spring, and the sap starts to rise!
A tumescence of frightening size !
*Break in space-time continuum*
Leaves me looking like I ate the pies
It came to me all in a flash
Why shouldn't I print my own cash?
It takes not much skill
To knock up a bill
And wait for the next Wall Street Crash
By jove, the weekend is here!
A cause, as ever, for cheer!
I shall gambol and caper
And read the newspaper
Until - no, it's Monday! Oh dear
And so we all trudge off to work
Dressed up like a crude, apeish berk.
It would be less bad
If only I had
Time to play moves, not just lurk
My passport is way out of date
The photo shot when I was eight
I was a boy in those days
Before a difficult phase
And, of course, 'twas before I met Kate.
I believe it's quite hard to rhyme orange
Yes, it is, and we've been there before.
Penelope has killed off one more
The blatant, man-eating whore! just kidding pen..
Her tastes are voracious
Her dress sense ... audacious? but what do I know ...
And I've heard that she consumes them raw You rotten swines :o)
I've invented a new kind of boot:
It sometimes emits a loud hoot
The heel is explosive
When touched by corrosive
but frankly, it costs too much loot.
Mohammed Said al-Sahaf I confess I sniggered when I spotted his name was an entire limerick line. The rhymes, of course, are up to you ...
Gave us all a jolly good laff
By always insisting
Iraq is resisting
And he's appearing on Saddam's behalf.
My friends, I have something to say.
My emotions can't get in the way.
I'm speaking with candour
I've got a big gander.
But sadly, I've nothing to lay. Now then, that's quite enough of all that. Move along now, please.
A green token at Notting Hill Gate
Is a tactic you can use to abate
A Circle Line Inversion
Without use of subversion
And lower the Harston Freem Rate
This technical talk is all greek
It's conventional wisdom I seek
For advice on a hat
Or which breed of cat
Or even the day of the week
  • The best breed of cat is the Moggy
    • I eat four when I feel a bit groggy
    I fry them with cheese Welcome Peneloope.
    After spraying the fleas
    Though I do find that makes them go soggy
    I want sausage, egg, chips and a tea
    That's for a friend, it's salad for me
    I'll have it with spam
    Washed down with a dram
    Of battery acid or three
    In case of emergency, you should
    Supply us with cold Yorkshire Pud
    A pint of warm ale,
    Which we slowly inhale
    Though we know it won't so any good

    ack! *do* any good... not "so"...

    I can spell but my proofreading sucks (drawing inspiration from ineptitude...)
    Eggs like a grandmother clucks
    Disapprovingly when
    are you coming? At ten?
    Those white-coated in their trucks.

    I remember the very first time
    Apologies - previous last line should read "Those white-coated men in their trucks" so much for proof-reading.
    Start again
    I remember the very first time
    I wrote my first limerick line
    It began with a word
    Writer's block then occurred
    A writer cried as he ran past
    "The monster that follows is vast"
    "So pick up your pen"
    "And let me know when"
    "It has finished its morning repast"
    There was a young lady from Crewe
    Who said not 'Good-day' but 'Adieu'
    For she went 'fore she came *parka please*
    She was never the same
    And I wouldn't like that - would you?
    The first day of summer is here
    And it's made my petunias go queer!
    They're drooping right over
    My four-leaféd clover
    Though I watered them with the best beer
    I've been stuck in the office all day
    With a pitchfork, a horse and some hay
    The resulting output *sidling towards coat rack*
    Means there's something afoot...
    The Amish have joined the twins Kray.
    Whenever I go to the shops
    Dow Jones rises but our FTSE drops
    One Euro is worth
    A fortnight in Perth (Scotland or Australia - you choose...)
    Or a ticket to Top of the Pops
    The kroner, peseta and lira
    Are no use on a trip to Madeira
    Not even escudos
    (Though they may earn you kudos)
    Will buy you a few pints of beer
    Enumerative Combinatorics
    Read at night, with a big mug of Horlicks,
    Is the very best thing
    To get back in the swing
    And to make you all true alcoholics
    A hairy young Vicar from Perth
    Should be given a very wide berth
    Lest his big hirsute mits
    Which are cold - he admits
    Be employed to assist giving birth
    Again unemployment is down
    Since everyone's becoming a clown
    simulposted - spooky! for I have a new job as a clown
    I perform in the House
    Where often I douse unfinished sentence alert..
    My wife, when she's in her best gown
    I wish I could be a buffoon
    And dance by the light of the moon
    I would prance like an elf
    Casting spells at myself
    And play Mahler on the bassoon
    A wonderful sight to behold
    Is rab (or so I am told)
    But snorgle, however
    (when clad all in leather)
    Makes poor Uncle Korky feel old I'm just asking for trouble, aren't I?
    [snorgle] Sounds like I owe your source a fiver.

    It seems pen's asking for trouble

    As I'm not quite as old as my double
    aside [rab] Can't bring yourself to write pen is on your own site to make it scan, eh? Why on earth not? ;o)
    But the double I've seen is
    [pen] Um... I was drinking a cup of tea at the time, which threw my scansion into disarray. Obviously.
    Now on The Tweenies invoking dubious rhyme
    And now my double is double bubble
    Whilst walking one day in Bangkok
    I happened upon Doctor Spock -- Keeping it clean; well, so far. :-)
    I asked his advice
    About pubic lice Sorry, Dujon, couldn't resist
    And then "Got the time on ya, cock?"
    Eurovision's come round again!
    So let's have a big hand for Spain
    'Cos they know how to dance
    So much better than France
    And list'ning to Norway's a strain
    And talking of strain:
    My diet is lacking in fibre a nice easy rhyme...
    My innards now flow like the Tigre
    It's not at all funny
    Why can't it be runny?
    And it's really not fun for my wiper. [I'm the Prince of Wales y'know]
    I'm in dire need of good advice!
    About the cost of herb and spice
    For I make pot pourri
    And I brew it like tea.
    Does it work to eradicate lice?
    Tonight, in the Big Brother House
    There will be an arrogant louse
    Who claims to know
    That Anouska will go
    OK, make that That Scott will soon go (who is from Liverpool)
    But will he talk or is he a mouse.
    sorry forgot a line.
    Is it fair to talk of mice and men?
    D'no. Good question Pen'.
    Why not speak of blatant floozies?
    Or of Tommy guns and Uzis
    Or of when we'll have lim'ricks again sorry, sorry -- I'm not usually a CAMREL activist ... but we are setting new records here. I don't think any of those lines scans appropriately for a limerick.
    In the quest for new methods of scansion
    < Mode= Huff >Oi, Oi, Oi!!! My line goes thus
    Is it fair to talk of mice and men... and I really don't see a problem with that or with any of the other lines.
    OTH, you are entitled to your opinion, but in your haste to make a point, you have chosen a line in which you have had to delete a syllable to make it scan. Perhaps you can now start us off on a suitable new scheme? ;o) < / Huff>
    We now return to our regular schedule... sorry to interrupt Uncle K, but I was simulposted.
    [pen] I really don't want to start another scansion war; god knows we have had enough of these. And I agree (and almost said, and should have said) that your line was ok except for the peculiar stress on a preposition. (Maybe you meant to set a limerick in which we would contrast talking of mice and men with talking to them? :-) ) But the other lines ... I'm sorry, but even with a lot of squeezing and twisting, they really can't be made to work. And, yes, I deleted a syllable. So what?
    Each line becomes prone to expansion
    The longer they get [pen] To be fair, I read your opener about 12 times and couldn't get it to fit what I consider a limerick pattern. But as CdM says, we don't want to go down the road of another scansion war (see the York archives for what happens when things get really ugly).
    The less well they vet
    And it all gets too ugly to mantion </scansion war> <pararhyme war> ...
    If you find yourself short of a rhyme
    Or your syllables all out of time
    Don't panic - just doodle
    Or suck on a noodle
    Or large Gin with tonic and lime
    Hurrah!

    When pen's full of derring and do

    s'funny, smells more like some poo. sorry Pen...
    No, in better light.. unfinished sentence alert
    the resemblance to shite
    Is this lim'rick. Now what shall we do?
    I once had a haddock called frank
    That I'd use to give children a spank
    The fish didn't mind
    Hitting a behind Yes, the maroon windbreaker. Thankye.
    cause he laughs all the way to the bank.
    "Stop thief!" came the cry from the bank
    said the man who was driving a tank
    Quite why he should yell
    well, no-one could tell
    but I suppose we've New Labour to thank
    Jonny Ball's a strange man on TV UK TV that is... I first remember him on Playschool.
    He said "Think of a number!" to me I always enjoyed his programmes!
    In refusing his game I wanted the car off choc-a-block
    I was only to blame Johnny Ball is a great man, and it is a tribute to him and to the dire state of contemporary children's TV that he would never make it today, on account of being over 12.
    For the subsequent puddle of wee
    It doesn't take a genius, you know
    to be able to write in the snow continuing the theme
    but calligraphy
    Whilst having a pee oblig, really.
    May result in a word overflow
    That President Bush is so smart!
    He gave Saddam Hussein quite a LART! LART = Luser Attitude Readjustment Tool, e.g. a sledgehammer.
    but Saddam's disappeared,
    behind a big beard
    And Osama Bin Laden's a tart lame, I know. *shrug*
    I'm so sorry, the news isn't good
    But we did everything that we could
    The defibrilator
    was unable to cater
    For a heart that was made out of wood
    A ride on the night bus to Romford
    Is a journey devoid of all comford [Yeah? Yeah? Wanna make something of it?]
    You part with your fare
    travel as far as you dare
    Then leap off and dash home just like Tom would [well - that's what HE told me and I have no reason to doubt him]
    On moving to Nik's shiny server
    We could scarcely contain our great fervour
    Our bookmarks are updated
    Download time truncated
    We're finally off that Bluecurve-r.
    D'oh! Forgot the bold!
    DrQu+xum is a forgetful chap
    That's why he suffered this mishap:
    He left out a tag
    But tags aren't my bag (qua pantsmc)
    He'll get it right next time, mayhap.
    Ignore not the rules of scansion
    Whether trochees, iambs or dipthong
    When being quiet anal
    When being quite anal obviously, although quiet anal possibly deserves some examination as a concept
    Complaints are morainal (OK, I used Rhymezone to find that one.)
    So fill out your lines with aplomb.
    A game of Celebrity Shares
    Will attract the bulls and the bears
    The trading is brisk [a gift of a rhyming opportunity]
    But better not risk
    All your assets. (But frankly - who cares?)
    While walking to work in the rain
    I danced as I felt quite insane
    [Bifurcating]I felt like Gene Kelly/I jumped in a puddle
    (as opposed to George Melly) / found a stranger to cuddle
    And sang out THAT well-known refrain / Then suggested acts base and profane [oo-er]
    The day you install a new bath
    Should be marked by drinking a swift half,
    But - beer or bathwater?
    Should I drink? Well I oughtta - weren't expecting that eh?
    Before I go down the bath path
    To make the best beef and veg. stew,
    First kill your cow. Then take two
    Bushels of sweet potatoes
    Fry them on a hotplate, close
    The oven, wait, serve, spear and chew - I like the creative scansion going on here!
    I once met a young plain-clothes nun
    Disguised as Attila The Hun
    Yet I (to my shame)
    Thought she was on the game
    Now Attila the Nun's on the run!
    I got caught out today in the rain
    With an outcome of very great pain
    I was poked in the eye
    And was told "Get me dry!"
    By the great and irate Michael Caine
    I wonder where porcupines sleep?
    On cliffs? In a cave? In the deep?
    Laying still and supine
    (All their quills must align)
    Else the prickles will tickle their feet.
    Be careful when you knock on doors
    Especially in the Azores
    You just never know
    You'll find on the loo
    P'raps Andrea or Jim from The Corrs... some well dodgy rhyming going on there!
    Do the light bulbs need changing in here?
    Who'll do it? And what's their career?
    The task is quite tricky
    The end might be sticky
    Let's just put it off till next year.
    Awww... and I thought someone would pick up on my feed line re: How many (people of a particular walk of life) does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Uncle Korky is feeling let down [mea culpa]
    And Chalky a bit of a clown
    Our lim'ricks lack wit
    Our rhyming is crap
    So it's good that our scansion is sound
    Penance complete! Further self-flagellation not required! :-)
    Take a deep breath, and let yourself go
    down to London on a very slow
    train, that breaks down
    In a Devonshire town
    Just south of Westward Ho
    Now, not wishing to come over all Westcountry on you... I believe Mr Ho is in Somerset, not Devon...
    Not that that need preclude somewhere lying just south of that. And in any case if moi geographee be nart in the roight koinda areahh, there's definartlee one ah them thassavam exclumashion markie jarbies afer 'Ho'. Oh God I wish I hadn't grown up in Carrrnwalll...
    Westward Ho! is indeed in North Devon. The main failing in the above the the absence of a railway line in the area Ho! Hum!
    Calamity! Apologies for the drunken outpourings. That'll learn me.
    Let's draw the line under that then :-)
    Geographical know-how is fine [but....]
    But where would you all like to dine?
    I know a good spot
    Where it won't cost a lot
    Though I hope you enjoy drinking brine
    I got lost on my way in to work
    My boss will think I'm on the shirk
    But my caravanette
    Is slippy and wet
    I went tits-up and felt a right berk
    That evening, I felt a right tit
    It was soft, warm and round, though a bit
    droopy, although
    I would like to know
    Which girl was the owner of it.
    Some men have remarkable breasts [hmmm . . must be open season on lewd sauciness - PantsMC is similarly obsessed. I blame Darren]
    Which show when the geezers wear vests [I don't think I'm particularly lewd or saucy. Not compared to most other people, anyway. In what way should the lewdness and sauciness be curtailed? Any suggestions?]
    You're not. T'was a joke.
    Such pendulous mounds [Nowt wrong with a touch of sauciness. It all depends on where the line that shouldn't be crossed lies, and that everyone is in agreement with it]
    Should be hid, on the grounds
    Of upsetting our VIP guests
    They say we're all getting obese
    But really we're just wearing fleece
    On our stag nights we leap
    right into the heap...
    of roast lamb laced with oodles of grease.
    The heat is still on Tony Blair
    And his lying colleague Alistair
    Now that wasn't quite true
    What they claimed they could do
    But at least they both tried, for a dare.
    Forgive me - for asking you this . . .
    Can you hold this while I have a p*ss
    it is nothing rude!
    although slightly chewed
    But beware, it's a mess when I miss.
    Whenever you start a new day
    Take a deep breath and yell, "Hip Hooray!"
    Then take off your pants
    Check your recent implants
    And your morals will then go astray
    I lay myself down now to sleep
    On this couch that I found going cheap
    But the springs aren't quite right
    I'll be up most the night
    Installing the ones from my jeep
    At lunchtimes, I eat quite a lot
    from the buffet - both cold food and hot
    My mid-afternoon snack
    Matches my brown anorak
    Which I flash in, more often than not.
    I noticed, whilst having a shower,
    That I'd developed my own super power
    "Eureka," I cried
    As I started to slide . . .oo-er
    On the soap for at least half an hour
    "She said she was nineteen, yer honour
    If I'd known, I would not have lain on her
    And bumped up and down (very highbrow!)
    And spun round and round
    It was later I knew t'was Madonna
    It's a 'rollover' weekend again
    arrow_circle_down
    Want to play? Online Crescenteering lives on at Discord