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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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It'll be such a whopper
You won’t see it’s improper
It's "My, you look nice, oh my my!"
I have just seen a long Chinese play
It lasted three weeks and a day
Now my bum is so sore
but I slept through one third
bugger siml-posts strikes again...
I really should have wore
Pink knickers and my fat butt toupee? what do I know, I wasn’t even there!
There once was a Chinese Chinese, (may one use the same word as adjective and as a noun?? Confucius would approve I’m sure!)
Who consumed chinese fleas with his peas
Which was fiendish, because
just by sweeping the floors
He filled up his spring rolls with ease.
There once was a strange type of fly
Which zipped down from shoulder to thigh
Revealing a torso
With no front, nor verso (sorry for the crappy rhyming)
a very strange insect, by and by. Naff I know but so what...
King Klaus can reclaim his old crown
and he did with a scowl and a frown
Unlike ol' King cole
Who just toyed wiyth his bowl
And enjoyed a good party in town!
Begorrah, 'tis St. Paddy's day! No offence to the Irish intended
(My apologies for the cli-shay)
There'll be drinking of Guinness Might as well kepp it going :)
There’ll be puking and illness (sorry!)
And a hangover for all of next day.
It's David's Day down here in Wales Really.
I bought my calendar, cheap in the sales
And I'm flying my flag
Lest my fervour should sag
I’ll fix it firm with a couple of nails? Ymddiheurwn am unrhyw anghyfleustra y mae hyn yn ei achosi.
She shivered when his hand touched her knee
Then recovered and quoted her fee
Which was four sticks of rock
and an old carriage clock
Three badgers and twenty-five pee
While whisking up Angel Delight (Marc) Ardderchog yw hwnna (Excellent, that). Phrasebook?
I gave all the angels a fright
By souring the mix
With two pheasant chicks [eeuw!]
And all had to take the next flight. [Rosie] No phrasebook, pure chance! (http://www.llgc.org.uk/)
There once was a chaste girl who said:
" I want to be chased into bed"
"Then chased up the aisle"
"(But chased with some style)"
"And, if not, chased with ardour instead"
A man's got to do, what his woman says,
Let's replay that in the correct rhythm as it's a first line ..
a'mouse - A man does what his woman says
Chalky - When his heart and his loins are ablaze
A man's got to do, what his woman says, ...please take it from here again, thx...
Whenever his heart and, his loins are ablaze
It cuts down on trouble
But leaves behind stubble [anonymouse/Chalky] I think the line does scan if you treat "woman says" as a feminine rhyme ("A man's got to do what his woman says", rather after the manner of "A marvellous bird is the pelican.
But it does mean players have to find something to rhyme with "woman says", which is arguably a bit of a mean challenge to set... as there aren't many rhymes for "woman" or "says".
anonymouse - if I'd wanted to post an 11- syllable line in a Limerick I would have done so and stretched even beyond sonnet metre. If you're offended then I apologise - helpful limer-rhythm hints have long been a feature of these games ... honest!
And then he will need a sharp raze -or
In order to drive out the blues
Lets order a vodka and juice We all must allow for the rule of 'cy pres'! (alternative ending on previous masterpieace, mening we must try doing our best, also pacing our fellow poets
I'll start again then .. and I promise to do my very very best
Chalky - It's high time you all went to see
The next pub, all drinks are on me! Sorry, my keyboard made an unexpected move ;-). My comment should have read: previous masterpeace (sic!), meaning we must all try doing our best, including pacing
For the barmaid's tattoos unfini...
Show two jugs full of booze
And she'll let you taste them for free!
In order to drive out the blues re-entering...
Let's order a Vodka and juice
four pints of Old Scrotum,
one shot antidotum
Nothing but sobriety to lose
Napoleon said to his men
”Don’t march like a newly screwed hen!” (sorry, maybe my translation is not exact...?)
"You must march upright"
"And only at night"
"And cluck when I tell you when."
Who my new doctor is, I don't know,
But nonetheless I'll boldly show
Where my problems lie Or should that be 'how'?
Whether low or high
For its either my eye or my toe
Subtract the first number you thought of
And you will get zero, or sort of
Then add what is left
With algebra deft
This defeats your average plus-four toff.
The youth of the heart, and the dew
Has left my back wet, déjà vu? Hi Projoy, nice line! http://sniff.numachi.com/~rickheit/dtrad/pages/tiYOUTHART.html
And old age shall dry
The spit on my thigh The orange gore-tex please...
As maturity changes one's view
Collating statistical data
Concerning spontaneous stigmata
Is what I do best
Dressed in just pants and vest Beg pardon. I've used the line before, but it's a favourite.
And my fee is just barely pro rata
In day-glo bikini and shoes Warnings against drinking Lucozade at this time in the morning
Mrs Thatcher began to peruse Sorry, couldn't resist it
A bazaar in Bangcock
where she had the key for a lock
To unleash a large herd of gnus
Ted Heath was renowned for his views
To express which he'd never refuse
Took no sinecure up
with his keenness on Europe (Projoy) Is this what you were looking for? Happy to oblige. :-)
And that is the end of the news.
one bright Sunday morning in May
I heard Edward Heath try to say
"Oi! Get off my face!" [Rosie] Yes, much obliged to you. :)
"I'm trying to race!"
“Before you find out that I’m gay!”
An MP once said to his wife:
"I will not do 'This Is Your Life'!
But next day in the Sun
On page number 1
"My childhood was rough" claims were rife
Is hist'ry repeating itself?
By getting all news off the shelf ?
Again and again?
it all seems the same!
All gone is our News Fairy Elf? (... if she ever existed?)
There once was a virgin in Brest
Whose secret was hid 'neath a vest
She never removed it
But there was s surfeit
Of hair, so she covered her chest.
I met with a man in a tent
In the garden of England, or Kent
But the Medway's in spate
And he may become late (As in, "the late Arthur Dent".)
Cause I noticed his wiener was bent
I’m sure that I’ve lived once before
For circa ten years and three score
t'was the life of a monk
To such depths had I sunk
-- Reincarnation is really a bore!
My brain is beginning to hurt
As soon as I look up a skirt
While I lie on the floor
'cos from there you see more
I'm the most extreme kind of flirt.
Can I get fifty kilos of cheese?
In my handbag? I can if I squeeze
Add twelve boxes of wine ...party time?
A large 'Party' sign ... oh yes!
And thus make a trap for John Cleese
Go on - do your funniest walk!
The one where you make like a stork
And bring in a baby.
Or make one? (well, maybe....)
or is it no action and all talk!.
Don't ply me with gifts and strong drink!
They impede my ability to think!
That I’m witty and wise!
And I have slender thighs
And alcohol makes my breath stink.
We're one hour late and we’re free!
We defected from old B.S.T
Now the evenings are lighter [pen] GMT, shurely?
And our future seems brighter
So why can't we stick with C.E.T?
When something just doesn't make sense
It's best not to get too intense
Say "La la, don't care!"
Or say a li’l prayer?
It's much better to sit on the fence.
Few things leave me sadder than this:
It's too long since I last had a kiss :o(
and it's not halitosis Perish the thought!
Or unflattering clotheses
I guess Cupid's arrow did miss.
A miss is as good as a mile
A wink is as good as a smile
But a mink is as good
As a corduroy hood
And far more elegant in style.
There once was a miss dressed in mink
Beneath, she wore lingerie, pink
. She wore sandals of teak
On her face, a false beak
And a carrot where no-one would think!
There once was a parrot named Jack (Good line Uncle!)
And the toughest of nuts he would crack
But he swore like a trooper or schoolgirls on the top of a bus
, was a real party pooper
And was rough with the chicks in the sack.
Beware, cause soon it’s April fools day
And tricks upon you they will play
Putting salt in your tea
Playing reverse MC
And telling your mother you're gay
Not that I'm planning anything...
Its fun to get back at your mate
And set him up with a blind date
Who is genuinely blind
And hopefully don’t mind
Going halves on whatever you ate
I sense that I came here before
And hope you forgive and ignore
My latest faux pas
When I called your mama
A nag and quite frankly, a bore
There once was a fellow called Eric
A really exceptional cleric
He had just one vice
He was frightened by mice
So he ate them and that is barbaric ! (says anony-mouse!)
A ravishing woman in need
Is something to treasure indeed
But no mere hussy
Would ere be so fussy
'bout choosing with whom she should breed! Coat!!!
A secret held by Michael Grade
A drink that makes old maidens laid: http://www.expressmedia.co.uk/malcrfl/grade.htm
Try with Baileys, it works
And one of the perks
Is you're paid if you sprayed when she's splayed
I have time for the old BBC
And, yet, it has no time for me
Disillusioned by Hutton,
I'll push the 'OFF' button,
and then explode in a fit of joy and glee!!
The great thing about Channel 4
Is you know that you've seen it before And now on Channel Four...Friends....
This is Global, you know! ... not only Channel 4, also Chanel 5!
And our favourite show
Will be screened several times more
When sick, ill or poorly, one should
Get hold of a quarter, one could?
Whatever that means
In hot fever dreams
Be a fraction more to the good
When faced with a barrage of lies
And attempts to pull wool o'er my eyes
I'll start screaming, in Welsh
And then loudly belch
"Mae hi wedi cachi arna i"s!"
The languages spoken in Wales
, As one pulls from ones eyes certain scales,
Seem quite out of tune
With 'Au Clair de la Lune
Though singing when telling Welch tales
His name was Llywelyn the Last
And he spoke in Welsh - very fast
His demise, it was gory
But it made a great story
With choruses sung by the cast.
His last name, 'tis true, was Llewellyn
He was known as a renegade felon
'though Polish by birth
he lived on Welsh earth
Ball kicking, but loves honey melon (o)(o) ! Gareth or Chris Llewellyn?
She played with his balls every night ...new ball game...?
Even tho' her interest was slight
But she found that the perks
Of sleeping with berks
Made playing with balls quite all right.
The sock hops I hold in my shed
Has made all my neighbours see red
There's blood up the walls
and stains on my balls!
Next time I will make them co-ed
He was told by his dear Uncle Andy:
"My boy, I am feeling quite randy"
He ran off with a cry
When I bit his thigh
Cause he feared I was after his candy.
In search of a drink alcoholic
To make my pet terrapin frolic
I chancéd upon
Spiked tea from Ceylon
For which all claims are quite hyperbolic. Worth a try, though, I'm sure. :-) (Chalky) V. classy!
These stories are utterly false
I’ve heard from the rear of the horse false rhyme warning!
They're a load of manure (Marc) Yeah, difficult, but there is a rhyme for "false", which I'm saving for line 5, unless someone else gets there first.
And their rhythm unsure though somewhat dancing, Rosie?
It sounds like a hesitant waltz.
The night-clubs of old Budapest (anonymouse, Darren) through which flows the Blue Danube, of course.:-)
Won't let anyone in in a vest
The dress code's so strict
And guests are handpicked
But once in, you can then get undressed.
The most famous thing about York (that last one was great!)
Was his monstrous penchant for 'pork' (Prince Andrew, Duke of York, and whichever form of pork you fancy)
But he fell on his sword
Whene'er he was bored
And then stabbed his fat rear with a fork
One morning they'd breakfast in bed,
The next they would play being dead
On the third, they'd be silly
By smearing hot chili
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