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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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A pint of warm ale,
Which we slowly inhale
Though we know it won't so any good

ack! *do* any good... not "so"...

I can spell but my proofreading sucks (drawing inspiration from ineptitude...)
Eggs like a grandmother clucks
Disapprovingly when
are you coming? At ten?
Those white-coated in their trucks.

I remember the very first time
Apologies - previous last line should read "Those white-coated men in their trucks" so much for proof-reading.
Start again
I remember the very first time
I wrote my first limerick line
It began with a word
Writer's block then occurred
A writer cried as he ran past
"The monster that follows is vast"
"So pick up your pen"
"And let me know when"
"It has finished its morning repast"
There was a young lady from Crewe
Who said not 'Good-day' but 'Adieu'
For she went 'fore she came *parka please*
She was never the same
And I wouldn't like that - would you?
The first day of summer is here
And it's made my petunias go queer!
They're drooping right over
My four-leaféd clover
Though I watered them with the best beer
I've been stuck in the office all day
With a pitchfork, a horse and some hay
The resulting output *sidling towards coat rack*
Means there's something afoot...
The Amish have joined the twins Kray.
Whenever I go to the shops
Dow Jones rises but our FTSE drops
One Euro is worth
A fortnight in Perth (Scotland or Australia - you choose...)
Or a ticket to Top of the Pops
The kroner, peseta and lira
Are no use on a trip to Madeira
Not even escudos
(Though they may earn you kudos)
Will buy you a few pints of beer
Enumerative Combinatorics
Read at night, with a big mug of Horlicks,
Is the very best thing
To get back in the swing
And to make you all true alcoholics
A hairy young Vicar from Perth
Should be given a very wide berth
Lest his big hirsute mits
Which are cold - he admits
Be employed to assist giving birth
Again unemployment is down
Since everyone's becoming a clown
simulposted - spooky! for I have a new job as a clown
I perform in the House
Where often I douse unfinished sentence alert..
My wife, when she's in her best gown
I wish I could be a buffoon
And dance by the light of the moon
I would prance like an elf
Casting spells at myself
And play Mahler on the bassoon
A wonderful sight to behold
Is rab (or so I am told)
But snorgle, however
(when clad all in leather)
Makes poor Uncle Korky feel old I'm just asking for trouble, aren't I?
[snorgle] Sounds like I owe your source a fiver.

It seems pen's asking for trouble

As I'm not quite as old as my double
aside [rab] Can't bring yourself to write pen is on your own site to make it scan, eh? Why on earth not? ;o)
But the double I've seen is
[pen] Um... I was drinking a cup of tea at the time, which threw my scansion into disarray. Obviously.
Now on The Tweenies invoking dubious rhyme
And now my double is double bubble
Whilst walking one day in Bangkok
I happened upon Doctor Spock -- Keeping it clean; well, so far. :-)
I asked his advice
About pubic lice Sorry, Dujon, couldn't resist
And then "Got the time on ya, cock?"
Eurovision's come round again!
So let's have a big hand for Spain
'Cos they know how to dance
So much better than France
And list'ning to Norway's a strain
And talking of strain:
My diet is lacking in fibre a nice easy rhyme...
My innards now flow like the Tigre
It's not at all funny
Why can't it be runny?
And it's really not fun for my wiper. [I'm the Prince of Wales y'know]
I'm in dire need of good advice!
About the cost of herb and spice
For I make pot pourri
And I brew it like tea.
Does it work to eradicate lice?
Tonight, in the Big Brother House
There will be an arrogant louse
Who claims to know
That Anouska will go
OK, make that That Scott will soon go (who is from Liverpool)
But will he talk or is he a mouse.
sorry forgot a line.
Is it fair to talk of mice and men?
D'no. Good question Pen'.
Why not speak of blatant floozies?
Or of Tommy guns and Uzis
Or of when we'll have lim'ricks again sorry, sorry -- I'm not usually a CAMREL activist ... but we are setting new records here. I don't think any of those lines scans appropriately for a limerick.
In the quest for new methods of scansion
< Mode= Huff >Oi, Oi, Oi!!! My line goes thus
Is it fair to talk of mice and men... and I really don't see a problem with that or with any of the other lines.
OTH, you are entitled to your opinion, but in your haste to make a point, you have chosen a line in which you have had to delete a syllable to make it scan. Perhaps you can now start us off on a suitable new scheme? ;o) < / Huff>
We now return to our regular schedule... sorry to interrupt Uncle K, but I was simulposted.
[pen] I really don't want to start another scansion war; god knows we have had enough of these. And I agree (and almost said, and should have said) that your line was ok except for the peculiar stress on a preposition. (Maybe you meant to set a limerick in which we would contrast talking of mice and men with talking to them? :-) ) But the other lines ... I'm sorry, but even with a lot of squeezing and twisting, they really can't be made to work. And, yes, I deleted a syllable. So what?
Each line becomes prone to expansion
The longer they get [pen] To be fair, I read your opener about 12 times and couldn't get it to fit what I consider a limerick pattern. But as CdM says, we don't want to go down the road of another scansion war (see the York archives for what happens when things get really ugly).
The less well they vet
And it all gets too ugly to mantion </scansion war> <pararhyme war> ...
If you find yourself short of a rhyme
Or your syllables all out of time
Don't panic - just doodle
Or suck on a noodle
Or large Gin with tonic and lime
Hurrah!

When pen's full of derring and do

s'funny, smells more like some poo. sorry Pen...
No, in better light.. unfinished sentence alert
the resemblance to shite
Is this lim'rick. Now what shall we do?
I once had a haddock called frank
That I'd use to give children a spank
The fish didn't mind
Hitting a behind Yes, the maroon windbreaker. Thankye.
cause he laughs all the way to the bank.
"Stop thief!" came the cry from the bank
said the man who was driving a tank
Quite why he should yell
well, no-one could tell
but I suppose we've New Labour to thank
Jonny Ball's a strange man on TV UK TV that is... I first remember him on Playschool.
He said "Think of a number!" to me I always enjoyed his programmes!
In refusing his game I wanted the car off choc-a-block
I was only to blame Johnny Ball is a great man, and it is a tribute to him and to the dire state of contemporary children's TV that he would never make it today, on account of being over 12.
For the subsequent puddle of wee
It doesn't take a genius, you know
to be able to write in the snow continuing the theme
but calligraphy
Whilst having a pee oblig, really.
May result in a word overflow
That President Bush is so smart!
He gave Saddam Hussein quite a LART! LART = Luser Attitude Readjustment Tool, e.g. a sledgehammer.
but Saddam's disappeared,
behind a big beard
And Osama Bin Laden's a tart lame, I know. *shrug*
I'm so sorry, the news isn't good
But we did everything that we could
The defibrilator
was unable to cater
For a heart that was made out of wood
A ride on the night bus to Romford
Is a journey devoid of all comford [Yeah? Yeah? Wanna make something of it?]
You part with your fare
travel as far as you dare
Then leap off and dash home just like Tom would [well - that's what HE told me and I have no reason to doubt him]
On moving to Nik's shiny server
We could scarcely contain our great fervour
Our bookmarks are updated
Download time truncated
We're finally off that Bluecurve-r.
D'oh! Forgot the bold!
DrQu+xum is a forgetful chap
That's why he suffered this mishap:
He left out a tag
But tags aren't my bag (qua pantsmc)
He'll get it right next time, mayhap.
Ignore not the rules of scansion
Whether trochees, iambs or dipthong
When being quiet anal
When being quite anal obviously, although quiet anal possibly deserves some examination as a concept
Complaints are morainal (OK, I used Rhymezone to find that one.)
So fill out your lines with aplomb.
A game of Celebrity Shares
Will attract the bulls and the bears
The trading is brisk [a gift of a rhyming opportunity]
But better not risk
All your assets. (But frankly - who cares?)
While walking to work in the rain
I danced as I felt quite insane
[Bifurcating]I felt like Gene Kelly/I jumped in a puddle
(as opposed to George Melly) / found a stranger to cuddle
And sang out THAT well-known refrain / Then suggested acts base and profane [oo-er]
The day you install a new bath
Should be marked by drinking a swift half,
But - beer or bathwater?
Should I drink? Well I oughtta - weren't expecting that eh?
Before I go down the bath path
To make the best beef and veg. stew,
First kill your cow. Then take two
Bushels of sweet potatoes
Fry them on a hotplate, close
The oven, wait, serve, spear and chew - I like the creative scansion going on here!
I once met a young plain-clothes nun
Disguised as Attila The Hun
Yet I (to my shame)
Thought she was on the game
Now Attila the Nun's on the run!
I got caught out today in the rain
With an outcome of very great pain
I was poked in the eye
And was told "Get me dry!"
By the great and irate Michael Caine
I wonder where porcupines sleep?
On cliffs? In a cave? In the deep?
Laying still and supine
(All their quills must align)
Else the prickles will tickle their feet.
Be careful when you knock on doors
Especially in the Azores
You just never know
You'll find on the loo
P'raps Andrea or Jim from The Corrs... some well dodgy rhyming going on there!
Do the light bulbs need changing in here?
Who'll do it? And what's their career?
The task is quite tricky
The end might be sticky
Let's just put it off till next year.
Awww... and I thought someone would pick up on my feed line re: How many (people of a particular walk of life) does it take to change a lightbulb?
Uncle Korky is feeling let down [mea culpa]
And Chalky a bit of a clown
Our lim'ricks lack wit
Our rhyming is crap
So it's good that our scansion is sound
Penance complete! Further self-flagellation not required! :-)
Take a deep breath, and let yourself go
down to London on a very slow
train, that breaks down
In a Devonshire town
Just south of Westward Ho
Now, not wishing to come over all Westcountry on you... I believe Mr Ho is in Somerset, not Devon...
Not that that need preclude somewhere lying just south of that. And in any case if moi geographee be nart in the roight koinda areahh, there's definartlee one ah them thassavam exclumashion markie jarbies afer 'Ho'. Oh God I wish I hadn't grown up in Carrrnwalll...
Westward Ho! is indeed in North Devon. The main failing in the above the the absence of a railway line in the area Ho! Hum!
Calamity! Apologies for the drunken outpourings. That'll learn me.
Let's draw the line under that then :-)
Geographical know-how is fine [but....]
But where would you all like to dine?
I know a good spot
Where it won't cost a lot
Though I hope you enjoy drinking brine
I got lost on my way in to work
My boss will think I'm on the shirk
But my caravanette
Is slippy and wet
I went tits-up and felt a right berk
That evening, I felt a right tit
It was soft, warm and round, though a bit
droopy, although
I would like to know
Which girl was the owner of it.
Some men have remarkable breasts [hmmm . . must be open season on lewd sauciness - PantsMC is similarly obsessed. I blame Darren]
Which show when the geezers wear vests [I don't think I'm particularly lewd or saucy. Not compared to most other people, anyway. In what way should the lewdness and sauciness be curtailed? Any suggestions?]
You're not. T'was a joke.
Such pendulous mounds [Nowt wrong with a touch of sauciness. It all depends on where the line that shouldn't be crossed lies, and that everyone is in agreement with it]
Should be hid, on the grounds
Of upsetting our VIP guests
They say we're all getting obese
But really we're just wearing fleece
On our stag nights we leap
right into the heap...
of roast lamb laced with oodles of grease.
The heat is still on Tony Blair
And his lying colleague Alistair
Now that wasn't quite true
What they claimed they could do
But at least they both tried, for a dare.
Forgive me - for asking you this . . .
Can you hold this while I have a p*ss
it is nothing rude!
although slightly chewed
But beware, it's a mess when I miss.
Whenever you start a new day
Take a deep breath and yell, "Hip Hooray!"
Then take off your pants
Check your recent implants
And your morals will then go astray
I lay myself down now to sleep
On this couch that I found going cheap
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